Robinski

Ha ha, I understand, head on keyboard syndrome, certainly been there. It's absolutely fine. There's no point in me getting kind words ffrom everyone all the time (as if!). Seriously though, if something turns you off I need to know that of course, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't struggled through some submissions over the last year. Sorry I haven't yet got to reviewing your next sumission or anyone else's for that matter. It's purely down to the workload for Write About Dragons; lectures; 9 critiques and 2,000 words of my own each week, it's almost like work.

That's excellent - like the birds (vultures?) circling - nice touch.

I omittted replying to this point before (was waiting for Steve Earle to come on stage, bit distracted). It does state in Covelle's pov that Benam goes into The Crowded Inn, which we know is the first one where Ahma works. I go back to my previous point that I think there is more of a disconnect in reading shorter submission a week apart, I'm hoping this follows better in the full form.

I'd like to submit again if there is room.

@JP: Appreciate the comments. I'm glad that things are working for you in the scene. I'm also glad that you enjoy Covelle more than Benam, in the sense that you're attaching to a different character than other people, which was was part of the idea. There is a leap of logic in the scene which hasn't come off it seems, so I'll fix that. As noted, this scene is not finished, so it will play out more. Thanks again.

"I gave him similar grief about this section over at the WaD submissions." Ooh, I can hardly wait, I haven't got to that stuff yet.

@Manaheim: firstly, thanks for persevering. On description, I gotta say I don't see it quite that way. I'll accept that there'd could be more dialogue, although the characters don't spend much time together to begin with, and I don't won't generate pointless conversations. These are solitary people to a large extent. Also, I'd note to all that I've only submitted 5,000 words so far because of the pattern for WaD, which I think is hampering the flow. These are not excuses btw, they're reasons!! My point being that the conflict will come more quickly if it was being read through. I appreciate your comments. I certainly wouldn't want anything other than your honest opinion. We're obviously going to agree to differ on some of these points (I hope!). And please, don't feel you have to read it because I read yours, I will not by offended if you don't comment.

@Asmodemon: Thank you. The cutoff for this submission is artificial, since I'm limited by the limit for the Write About Dragons group and don't want to get out of sync. Suffice to say, the scene is not finished, although I suppose it could be a cliffhanger, but its not my intention, and there will be more to Covelle's pov in this chapter. The main part of the story will have one or two pov's, I feel I need the three main characters to be introduced and they do not start together. I'm glad that Ahma and Benam seem to be convincing most people. I accept the last scene is confused at present. For one thing, it's not finished, but I'll be rewriting and I might start with it next week, once rewritten. Thank you for reading.

@Andy: I hear you on those things, thank you. I note what you say about Covelle, but can't help thinking that if you were reading through you would have less of an issue. Acutally, considering that he was in disguise the first time you encountered him, perhaps I should be gratified that you don't remember him. Yes..., I think this might just be the perfect outcome! The last scene is the newest bit, so I haven't been through it again, but will be soon. On Ahma's day, I'm hoping that in a read through that won't dwell on the mind. The cut point is a bit unfortunate - I was constrained by the Write About Dragons submission limit (not constrained enough, eh James? ;-) Much appreciated.

Many thanks, chaps, great stuff. I will respond to each of your comments in instalments, as I am on the road today. @Shiv - Very pleased that you found the characters accessible, and that I seem to be getting them across. On Page 8, I swithered over homely for a while, thought about comely, tried a couple of other things and went back to homely. I agree it's not right - I will revisit this again. On the 'S' thing, well, maybe their letter 'glump' happens to look like our 'S'. I know what you mean, I think I'll take them under advisement. I've added a paragraph covering Benam parting from the young man, who has returned when Benam returns to the bar. A couple of ideas came from it actually. Ah, now, on Page 11 Benam is talking to Ahma. I toiled over stout too, still don't like it and will change, but... Ahma is described in the once Prologue as not being sylphlike, she's curvacious, definitely not thin. Definitely in the Marilyn Munroe / Joan from Mad Man mold. Please you enjoyed the chapter, more on its way.

LOL : o )

Ah, now, it's only 2,391 if you don't count the section that you've read already, which seems reasonable to me - and anyway, Erika only submitted 719, so I'm just using a little of her surplus..., and another thing, what about (mumble, mumble, mumble)..., hey, what's that out of the window? <hurried exit.... stage left>

Yes, totally!

Thank you Shivertongue, no such thing as late comments, just more (useful) comments - thank you. YOu've picked up some good ones there. Response as follows; I think you have nicely summed up what almost everyone has said about the prologue when you say it needs to "set something up that cannot be set up anywhere else in the story". I had decided before now to bring that first section into Chapter 1 and replace it with another prologue. I had an idea for this, but your comment his just cemented it. Thank you. "skipped out..." - yes, I'll accept that - I think a person can could separate their anger from their action, but I agree that the tone is in conflict - I'll try to replace. On "sylph-like", I know what you're saying and I'm alive to that one (usually). In this case, I see not reason for there not to be legends of sylphs in this neck of the woods, so I'm going to keep it. Yeah, the who-said-what stuff has all been overhauled. Thanks again, very helpful

I have edited my first submission with your excellent comments. One of the changes was a reordering of a couple of scenes, resulting in the ‘thought sequence’ – which did not find favour in the middle of Chapter 1 (quite rightly) – relocating to the start of Chapter 2 – which means you get to read it again. I hope you don’t mind. Apologies for any disorientation the change may cause. Chapter 1 introduced Ahma (the barmaid); Benam (the dock ganger and former kingsman) and Covelle (the smuggler?). It also introduced the notion that casting exists, but someone/thing has outlawed it. Last week’s submission now contains the following sentence; “King Menalothen would not pick Benam for his elite regiment now.” ...intended to define ‘kingsman’ and introduce King Menalothen. Just pretend you read it last week. All comments greatly appreciated.

Woo hoo! It feels a tiny, tiny, tiny bit like getting published... ; o )

Thank you, Jaga - you are also a star. These sound like really good pieces of advice, and it's something we don't really talk about here, the next steps and strategies for rejection - so the benefit of your experiences is much appreciated.

Andy, you's a star - thank you.

Woo hoo!

Yeah, what he said.

Will do! Just you though, obvs starts to lose its value if we tell anyone else...

Never say never.

Hee, hee - nice on the hat. Yeah, work's a real inconvience, I'm going out back to water my money tree (still steadfastly refuses to bear fruit).

Your comment about word count caught my interest, so I did a little research. The Great Gatsby is renowned as a short novel, its word count is about 47,000, but not a great example. I then tried to think of other renowned novels, and came up with; - Frankenstein = 75,000 - HP and the Philosopher's Stone = 76,944 - The Hobbit = 95,022 So, I suppose my point is, don't freak about the word count. I've seen advice that 'first time' writers should keep word count down.

Cool beans.