Robinski

Thought struck me (ouch!) on reading your response. Maybe a straightforward way to show that Candace is bad would be a prologue where she steals something, showing how capable and unscrupulous she is. I think Paul pulls her up for stealing holy relics. You could have her in a church, and it looks like she's there to worship, then priest / minister leaves or whatever and she swipes something, or she's casing the joint, or some such. Or, maybe's she's in discussion with her fence and he's chatting, "This is nice, where'd you get it?" and she's "Oh, I stole it from some old lady in a wheelchair." (Bit extreme, maybe). Then again, you've got to go from there to the end of Chapter 1 where she's remorseful, so need to have passage of time. Just a thought (Ouch! Stop doing that!!).

I'd like to post the next section of "Waifs and Strays" please.

This is an interesting idea - I would have commented before now, but I think your post is maybe the victim of unfortunate timing. I might have picked up on this (although time difference might be a problem), but I've just started the Write About Dragons course with a few others on here, and we're now on a 15 week programme taking us into October, watching the lectures, writing a novella and submitting 2/3K words on a Monday. I guess the people that might have been takers for the online group are kind of committed to WaD for a spell. I know I could not commit to both. Out of interest, how far behind (ahead? not sure of your location) GMT are you? I tend to assume that most on here are in the US, so apologies if you're not!, but your 10:00am Saturday (for example) will be between 15:00 to 18:00 for me, which would tend to be a problem. Good idea though, thanks for posting : o )

These are great comments, thank you. It's really interesting to put together the comments from the Write About Dragons readers and you guys (accepting that a couple are on both) and seeing where the comments overlap - it gives an excellent focus on the bits that are really causing issues. And glad you got the Slap Fight thing, it's probably a bit self-indulgent, but hey ho.

I like "Moving Parts" from Swimingly, and Jaga's "Like Clockwork", I think Mandamon's right about referring to or emphasising the movement aspect. Some further notions; - Riding the Mainspring - The Science of Movement - Escapement* - The Movement of Buildings - Harmonic Motion+ - Gearing Up * Wiki: A mechanism that allows the wheel train to advance, or escape, a fixed amount with each swing of the balance wheel or pendulum. + Wiki: A harmonic gear is a specialized gearing mechanism often used in industrial motion control, robotics and aerospace for its advantages over traditional gearing systems.

I'm not a publisher, but I would have thought that 'Communication' (or Insert snappier title here) would be very publishable. Have you submitted it before? It's not something I've ever tried, because I've never had the confidence in any of my stories (and from what I've learned from WE, I'm right!), but it strikes me that this is exactly the sort of snappy, quickfire, edgy story with a clear and satisfying arc that would be in demand for anthologies. Jagabond is the man with the inside knowledge though - what do I know!

I think this is an excellent story. We dive straight into the situation, but the set-up is so neat that it feels like we’ve read a hundred pages and arrived at this point (in a good way). The characters are clear, there’s loads of conflict, even though we only hear about a lot of the events, there feel real because we experience the immediately after affects. There is even a rather touching and convincing romance in there, all in six pages. I think this is some very accomplished writing. I would have said ‘Fire in the Blood’ was your best writing that I’ve read, but this – albeit a different form – is so tight in its plotting that it elevates it above that. I love the noir tone, and yet it stills feels futuristic. You present aliens as fact, but make them convincing with only hints about their nature, only enough to make the story work, which after all is all that’s needed. Actually, I feel disappointed that there isn’t more. Not that I would wish for anything in this story to be changed, but Julian is a good character, with a good premise. Have you thought of writing any more of his exploits? And whatever anyone says (not read the other comments yet), don’t change the slightly rude and bawdy style, it’s spot on. There are some minor detailed points noted below, but a line edit would mop those up. My significant problem is I don’t buy that what has passed and what the alien has experienced would bring the war to an end, then again, I don’t think you need to end that way. --------------------------------------------------------- I kind of agree with the others about wanting more, but I'm hesitant as to where would lengthen the story. I think you would need to be cautious about that. Titles? If it’s titles you want, that’s one of my favourite parts (not saying I'm any good at them though...) Mr. Atticus has a Bad Day Three’s Company Negotiations and Love Songs (oh, that’s been done) Communication Breakdown Where Was I? Entente Cordial Peace Talks My Body and Me Ménage a Trois Freeloader --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Wow, that was a great opening. There were at least two conflicts there, it was all very immediate, like jumping into the middle of a story, and yet enough was revealed in passing statements to indicate the situation in general terms. This felt like a very accomplished opening page. Page 2 – It’s a very interesting concept, the parasite as conduit for the Veng consciousness, simple yet elegant and, I think, novel – although I am not the most widely read contributor on RE, I'm sure. Page 2 – I am really enjoying this. It’s an interesting premise, a very simple set up, and the writing flows very nicely. I like that it has an edge to it, I think that’s important. People swear and talk about sex, so if a story can reflect that in a realistic way it definitely adds authenticity. Plus, “losing self-will mid-wank” is my favourite phrase of the year! Page 2 – “The damned slug hadn’t bothered getting undressed” – This line made me think. I would imagine that Julian would still think of himself as himself, in that, when he is controlled by the Veng it is him being controlled by another, as opposed to him ceasing to exist. My point being, I wonder if he wouldn’t think in terms of “The damned slug hadn’t bothered to undress him.” I mean, it’s not really a body swap – is it? His consciousness is not inside the Veng... or is it? I am really enjoying this. Page 3 – I don’t quite understand what’s intended by the section... “ ‘She called you Mister Atticus.’ ‘You call me Mister Atticus.’ ‘But I think it’s a nice name.’ ” – Is Hannah implying that it must be important because Canning called him Mr. Atticus? I don’t think it’s clear. Also, does he leave Hannah in the room or does she leave before he does? Page 3 – “...was stood by the window...” – standing? Page 3 – “It’s almost as if the Veng didn’t want peace” – why the past tense? Page 4 – “Was my parasite getting lucky behind my back?” – There are some beautifully noir-ish quips running through this, I do like the tone. Page 5 – “Someone was having a great time, and they were using my body to do it.” – New best line of the year! Page 5 – “...and took used the moment to take control” – Suggestion, to avoid the doubling up of ‘take’. Page 6 – “I nodded, sipped at my tea.” – Laugh-out-loud funny!! Page 6 – “It’ll be so relieved we’ll have peace within days.” and “After that experience, they won’t want what we’ve got.” – I'm struggling with this leap. A whole alien race is going to turn tale and abandon an inter-planetary war because one of its number (okay, a hive mind, but still) got pissed, did reefer and got his (albeit borrowed) end away? In relation to the second line, I'm presuming they weren’t fighting the war because they wanted our distilleries, or ganja and our women, I assumed that they would have wanted to annexe Earth, eat us all and use the planet to ease their overcrowding, or some such loftier aims.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter, plenty of action and I enjoyed the different setting, which I was able to picture well enough from the description you gave us. I had some issues however, with some of the details, as noted below. My main problem, I guess, was that certain things seemed to exist just to serve certain elements of the story. Ryan happens to be about to steal a sword; which happens to be very poorly protected. He happens to know how to use a sword. Notwithstanding my concerns about these details, I though the chapter flowed well, had good elements it in, pretty good description (occasional off word choice, I thought). I did feel a bit let down by the climactic face/off between Ryan and Candace. You went to a fair bit of trouble to set up a sword fight and then we don’t get even a short one, which I had been expecting – felt a bit let down by that. I was a little surprised to see Ryan's POV as well, but the biggest thing for me was his reaction, which I thought was a bit tame. Still with it though, roll on Chapter 5. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – “She was trouble alright...” – This sentence tripped me up, could be smoother. Page 2 – I like the idea of touching physical things being painful, but the wind is a physical thing, so I'm wondering how that works. Is that why she wonders why her feet don’t hurt? I didn’t that was clear. Page 3 – Why is his job pointless? That seems unlikely to me. I guess it’s not pointless to him, since he earns income from it, and I guess he is serving customers at a gas station, which I wouldn’t say is pointless. I would beware of denigrating everything about a character just because they have done something bad. Perversely, if a reader perceives a reference like that to be unjust, they might start to feel sympathy for the guy. Page 3 – “She had no choice. But then, she never really did.” – Not sure why she never really did. I read this as she has no choice now that she’s dead, but she never did when she was alive. Page 3 – Hmm, where did this revenge ‘speech’ come from? There’s no foreshadowing of that in the three chapters previous. Despite the fact that I like Candace, I'm not sure I’ve had any sympathy for her from the start, but if there was some tragedy in her life, I would have thought we would have head about it before now. I think that’s a problem. Also, I don’t buy criminals who didn’t have a choice, B.S. This speech and the sentiment feel right out of place for me. Page 4 – I like the description of her getting inside, I found that effective. Page 4 – I'm not saying it’s inaccurate, but “stuffed trash bags and empty pizza boxes” feels clichéd. Not everyone who lives alone is a slob. Also, Candace’s thought is beneath her, there’s no way she’s so dumb as to think that rationale is in any way possible. Page 8 – “He pulled off much of his own clothesclothing...” Page 11 – “No Alarms didn’t sounded.” Page 12 – I don’t buy unimaginable wealth. If any of this stuff constituted unimaginable wealth, it would be much better protected than by one drunken guard with no locks on the doors and no remote alert in a commercial alarm company’s office. This is not convincing me. Millions of dollars? No, that’s not how the world works. Even hick museums (which I presume you are going for here), know the value of things and would protect them. Page 13 – More of a portal than a barrier to the king’s hall, I would have thought. Page 14 – Would human hands ‘soil’ the blade if it was designed by humans, for human use? Page 14 – I'm still trouble by the set up of the museum that allows them to possess this stuff, but not to protect it. I don’t see how any insurance company would insure these treasures, given the woeful level of security. Page 15 – Okay, you give us a rationale for the lack of security, but it still bothers me. Wouldn’t they lend out their priceless artefacts to other museums that were perhaps willing to pay something? Ok, I realise that it’s possible for these circumstances to occur, and the ‘coincidence’ of Ryan’s friend being the guard, but, for me, it just feels arrange to fit the needs of the story. Page 16 – “He wished he had an opponent to spar with” – This is a really leading statement – very ‘on the nose’. Page 18 – This goes back to my comment about the security decisions being for the convenience of the story. They seem to have decided to keep paying the bills for the maintenance of the fire alarm system.

Thank you, Mr. Complex! I'm going to keep the descriptions of Ahma, I'm with you on the colour, but JagaB is right in that I need to add something to describe the men folk, for balance and to help distinguish them. Good tip on the Leigh Butler - something else for me to read (arrgghh!). p.s. Sorry about the map, I couldn't figure images on Google Docs, but should have mentioned the map. I'll get that sorted for next Monday.

I'm not a great fan of lyrical poetry, strange perhaps, since I'm a big music fan - so I preferred "Showers" to "Garden". "Garden" for me was a bit too oblique, and I didn't want to have to search online for the meaning. In "Showers", I liked the idea and the progression, and I felt it did reach a conclusion. I would agree with JP's comment about syntax - I might not use the word amazing, but I'd certainly say 'tighter' and/or more 'precise', but I think with some work it could be a more affecting piece. I really appreciate you sharing, if nothing else, it does us good to be faced with something different to comment on, and you inspired me to go back and look at thew few poems I've written (about 25 years ago), which was a bittersweet experience.

Thank you for the comments, guys, much appreciated. I'm reassured to hear that some of the things that bothered you were things that were not sitting easily with me. I've written a couple of novellas before about 300 years ago, before I had the slightest clue what I was doing, as opposed to now, when I just have very little idea, so pacing will need some work, I suspect. I find your comments really helpful though, they're giving me focus and confirming some of my concerns - that's excellent. @Jagabond: I take your point about the 'sexist' comments. On the place names, Matwess has no direct bearing and could be dropped, and I deliberately didn't name the capitol in this chapter for that reason. The magic is vague, in part because I didn't want to dump detail. Your dialect observation is interesting, I'll think on that, as some seem okay with it. @AndyK: Glad you liked the setting. As most of you guys know by now, I a bit of POV junkie, but I'm hoping to keep it to two here, but I don't like putting side characters with main characters just so the reader (through the protagonist(s)) can witness events or learn things, so there will be the occasional side POV. @JP: I'm hearing you and others on the prologue and I agree. I'm going to change that, probably bring the Flaming Slap Fight (anyone get the Writing Prompt reference?) into Chapter 1 or drop it. I still feel, that I want a prologue, but I need to be very clear about its purpose. @Asmodemon: You and others mention the resolution of mini conflicts being quick, and also the setting being a bit generic. Right on both counts of course, and the reason why. It is intended to be a character piece. I'm not a big world-builder, and if I'm only getting 30,000 on this course, I want them to concentrate on character. There is a big conflict coming, and I have introduced it, you just don't know it yet, perhaps! Comments greatly appreciated, many thanks...<rolls up sleeves, cracks knuckles>

Well, it feels like a while since I submitted something, can't remember the last time my palms were sweating (oh, wait, Chapter 8 of Without Honour...). Anyway, this is the Prologue and Chapter 1 of my latest project, 'Waifs and Strays', which is planned as a 30,000 word novella, which I'm writing as part going through Brandon's 'Write About Dragons' on-line writing course, which a group of about six of us on RE are doing between now and October. All comments gratefully received. I feel bound to say that this is a very first draft. I've already slated some problems and enhancements to go back and fix/do, so apologies if there are any bloopers in there. Cheers, Robinski [Okay, so it's 23:11 on Sunday - so sue me.]

Ha ha, well, the Bonzo reference just shows how old I am, so I probably shouldn't have put my hand up for that one. As for the cup and the cloth, any Indy fan should get that... : o )

Hey Tal, I've got an opinion about EVERYTHING, not sure what I say will be any help, but I'll sure say something!! I've written some poetry (of the love-lorn variety) in my time, but probably not of any great merit, other than personally. That said, if you need any moral support, I'd be happy to stick a couple of pieces up - we could have a poetry corner! Seriously though, very interested to read your submission.

Yay, Dominar Rygel! "Nothing a good meal won't solve, I'm sure."

Oh man, you've totally blown his cover (C.*.A......, shhhh).

I would like to submit about 3,000 words if possible - the beginning of my new fantasy novella 'Waifs and Strays'.

For me, it begs the question, 'Why do the family deserve it?', so it's possibly a can o'worms, but I think it's along the right lines. Then again, I think it probably needs a check on most of her reactions in the first chapter to see if there are any other opportunities to reinforce or support the position, without overdoing it, of course.

I’ve emailed you tracked comments which go into some detail, but I’ll post some of the main points I had below. In summary though, this is an excellent opening chapter, I'm happy to echo what others have said. I'm very keen now to read the rest of your book, and I hope that we’ll get it all posted her in due course. Is it finished? If so, you might want to consider putting on the Alpha Readers thread (or not), but either way, I would happily read the whole thing. When I read that Calum was going to make Becsi beautiful, I got a bit nervous. Beauty is, of course, very much in the eye of the beholder. Who is to say she wasn't beautiful before? Is he only going to transform her into some stereotype of conventional beauty (or obvious beauty as Ross Geller would say!!). I must say you did an excellent job of confounding my reaction. I still held my concern when you described her getting taller, fuller-figured, hair 'blonder' - if you'd stopped there I think I would have had a problem, but you didn't, and that was the clincher. The thoughts that I'm left with are, what exactly has he made her into? Is she a wavepainter now, or do other people in this society have the ability to 'fly' by using their Influence? I have loads of questions, and that’s good, because I will need to read on to get the answers. I think there are a lot of promises to the reader in here, and I'm looking forward to you meeting them (I hope). I think the magic was very well described, really impactful, great energy, not a mechanical process but an emotional and physical experience. Also, I thought the pacing of the chapter was very good, building nicely through the personal interactions introducing the characters, to a magical crescendo (literally), and then a bitter after-note of conflict to propel the reader into the next chapter. Very well done. I found the ending very engaging. You could have finished on the upbeat and exciting note of the audiences adoration of Calum, but that would have been less satisfying than the ending you provide, which gives us a conflict to focus on. In Iain, we seem to have a protagonist with purely negative associations at the moment, confirmed in his reaction to Calum’s triumph, which is to go off a condemn him in his review. I like that, I'm not even sure if Iain is the protagonist or the antagonist, as Calum doesn’t seem to have done anything other than be wildly successful. Clearly, there is more to it, however. More, please! --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 - The opening line confuses me a little. Does it mean 'success must be certain' or 'the chance of success must be guaranteed' - i.e. the availability of a successful outcome is guaranteed? I'm not sure that the promise of success can be certain. Page 1 - Kudos on adopting the Scottish ‘variety’ of whisky (as opposed to the Irish whiskey) - a Glaswegian doffs his cap. Page 2 - Wicked opening line of dialogue (okay, 2nd), it's absolutely crammed with backstory. Lemila obviously knows him well, no need for pleasantries, and she comes right out with a veiled criticism right off the bat. I'm completely hooked. Page 2 - I've pretty much weaned myself off listing physical attributes to described characters, but it so often sounds like just that, a list. There's a touch of that here, but I think you get away with it because you are describing a beautiful woman. Page 4 - Lemila speaks very formally. I've got no objection to that, she seems to be well educated, not against the law, but sometimes it verges on sounding like a legal submission or a news report - like "debacle did little to halt". Page 4 - I think the tension in Lemila and Fyla’s arrival is implicit - does it need to be stated explicitly? Their sparring is very spiteful, I'm undecided if it’s a bit melodramatic. I'm almost expecting them to start pulling each other's hair. Page 5 – “If my husbands caught you looking at me like that…” I love these little pearls of strange that you cast out in passing. Even if it's not significant to the story, it's great colour for your world, very effective strange-and-familiar. Page 6 - This section bothered me. Iain's behaviour hasn't been rude up to this point, in my mind, but 'swiping' and 'chewing' sounds crude. Main issue was that he did not stop the man and allow his companion to choose something before eating himself. Not chivalrous - I would expect her to be unimpressed. Page 8 - I finding Iain’s manners towards Fyla interesting. Are they together, or has he just walked off and left her? If he has any romantic inclination toward her, experience tells me he'll need to up his game if he wants to get anywhere. From what happens next, clearly she trailed along behind him into the auditorium, but it's written in the previous section as if he just left her standing. He needs to respect her more. There's a danger that she becomes a pretty object, who speaks her lines when required, but otherwise does not get in the way - danger. Page 12 – I think there is confusion in the description of who climbs the platform and who stays on the stage. I was thinking one thing then another before it was clarified later in the scene, I think that needs to be tidied up, certainly at the first reference.

LOL

You will rue that statement - I promise you ;-)

I hope you don't object, but since you've provided a Word file, I thought I would put comments into it, which to me is easier to follow. I will also post impressions here too though.

I like the sound of a prologue, I agree that nothing is irreparably broken, and a prologue sounds like a good way to put everything into context without demolishing what you've submitted so far, which I definitely feel has good conflicts, decent action and a nice flow to it. I think you've got a good protagonist too in and interesting situation. It might helped more if I'd finished writing some of the comments that I put in as early bullets!! Not to mention checking my post for typos (sorry). Here are those early points that I ment to go back and flesh out. Page 1 – parchments - I was going to say that I was surprised they were carrying such a lot of paper work, and that Tillian had put tactical information in a personal letter. Page 1 – Transporting Axian injured - I was wondering about how difficult it would to transport all those Axian injured - does Solomon have wagons or multiple pack animals? How many horses do the Axians have? Maybe I'm over-thinking that, but it did pop into my head as I was reading.

I like the personal conflicts. I think the main one between Solomon and Tillian is well handled, and the byplay with Bryth is good, he and Solomon have a conflict too, although it is an amicable one. I also like how you convey Solomon’s lack of experience. I had some issues with the section as detailed below. My main difficulties are (1) I'm struggling with the geography and the numbers, which I think could be tightened up. (2) I felt Jessi’s character was mishandled, she behaves childishly and doesn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation, I felt that she wasn’t credible. (3) We could do with a clearer vision of the technological situation, and there is one reference to a fantastical (fictitious) creature, but nothing else to suggest that this is a fantastical setting, that knocked me out of the story. I like the pace of the story, I think there are good conflicts, but I think the set-up could be tightened up and helped significantly by defining (without info dumping, of course) the geography of the situation. I think the language has a direct YA sort of tone. I'm not getting a great deal of complexity in the plotting or the character development yet, as evidenced by some of the minor (at present) characters. Obviously, it’s your story, so please don’t take this as a criticism of your approach, but the sort of think that I would pick up and keep reading would take longer to develop the characters and the situation. Given, that you’ve only submitted 3,000 words to date, I'm not feeling this as epic fantasy, but that’s not to say that we couldn’t have a very effective novella about a relatively small and localised conflict with massive implications for the region, country, etc. I hope that these comments are useful. I'm certainly looking forward to reading more. I'm interested in how Solomon (not sure about that name, it has so many other connotations) fares against the seemingly insurmountable odds. --------------------------------------------------------- I agree with Andy and Mandamon on the description, just some bits of colour. Good advice from some author (OSC?) via Writing Excuses, consider all of the senses - are there smells in a room, sounds, colours? I echo Shivertongue's comment about some of the grammar, although I was less direct (read, hedging) about it :-) I can see what JP is saying, but I would not put it that strongly - this said, Brandon, in Writing About Dragons course that some of us on here are going through at the moment, talks about making things unqiue, combining strange and familiar, etc. I think you could give some thought to that when you tackle the setting. And I'll stress again here, because I find it sticking in my mind, I really think Jessi needs to be more interesting, mature, different - make her a bee-keeper or something (sorry, that was flippant!). --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – So Paul has been renamed Solomon? Page 1 – parchments Page 1 – Transporting Axian injured Page 1 – Sorry, it’s a style point, but in the section ‘How many Bryth?” Solomon’s heart was starting to beat faster, wondering how many archers had died because of his orders.’ I think you are telling after showing. We know from his question why Solomon’s heart is beating faster, you don’t need to explain it. Page 4 – I like the conflict introduced by the deaths at the fort, and this Pine killing some of his own men, including Tillian’s son. I find the numbers surprising. I'm okay with 70 men ambushing 100 Axians, and even 300 men in a fort, I suppose, but Solomon talks about turning them back at the fort with, at most, 370 men. I imagine the invading Axian force to be in the thousands, otherwise it would be more like a raid, but I feel it’s described as an invasion. Page 7 – Solomon’s teachers can’t be very good, you’ve mentioned them not really preparing him for some of the potential realities of war, and I'm surprised that he’s surprised that Pine has 5,000 men. Maybe I'm not remembering things well enough from the previous submission, but my recollection was that this was war (his father being way fighting elsewhere) maybe my recollection is wrong. Even if Pine had 500 or 250 – Solomon only has 48 remaining in his party. Does he have more forces at Greenpyke? I'm feeling that the numbers don’t stack up – or certainly that I'm confused by them – where are all the defenders? Page 8 – Again, if his father only has 500 men with him, there are all the Krytian soldiers? Page 8 – I find myself swithering about Solomon’s ineptitude or inexperience, I'm not sure he has the right to consider himself ‘mostly no inept’. Page 8 – Whoa, I feel that this is the first reference to a fantastical creature. It disoriented me, as I don’t think there has been anything else to suggest it is a fantastical setting. I think an earlier clue as to what type of setting we are in would be useful – similar to comments made about the pistol in relation to the previous submission. Chapter 2 Page 10 – I think you should change ‘daughter under me’. Page 10 – I'm uncertain about Bryth’s position. I find myself wondering how he can argue with a Baron, but seemingly kowtowed to Solomon in the field even though he thinks his tactics are wrong? It goes on to Page 11, where Bryth is desperate for soldiers – isn’t it Solomon who is desperate for soldiers? Page 11 – The phrase ‘some of an army’ is a rather childish expression. Solomon’s had training, surely he should refer to a platoon or a squad or something more specific. Page 11 – Back to my earlier point, not Bryth is ordering the Baron around, and then on Page 12 looking at him for guidance. Page 12 – Jessi comes across rather childish to me – she seems to be all grins and winking when hundreds of men are dying, the tone of that exchange bothered me. Page 12 – To reinforce the earlier point, I don’t think the stage of technological development is entirely clear. My impression is that firearms are quite new, they only seem to have a handful. How many do the Axians have? No doubt, we’ll discover that. Page 13 – So Ky’lan is in Comperio? I'm getting confused with the geography and the feudal system (if that’s what it is), who owes fealty to whom, where the places are and how big they are? I think this also ties in to the number of soldiers. Page 13 – I predict that I will be confused by Bryth and Gryth further into the story, assuming that the both play a part going forward. Page 13 – There are a few bits of grammar that are problematic, but I haven’t mention them, because we’re not about line editing, of course. This said ‘We just need to hold out several more days.’ stopped me in my tracks. It doesn’t make sense. Bryth needs to be specific – 3 or 4 days or some such. Page 14 – Sorry, I'm really struggling now, Kryth, Gryth and Bryth – okay Kryth’s a place, but I don’t see any reason for having names that are so similar, I think it’s the sort of thing that societies avoid, I can’t think of any examples in Caucasian naming conventions that is as close as that. Page 15 – I'd be interested to know what Bryth’s plan would be – surely if they don’t harry Pine they would need to evacuate Greenpyke. Page 16 – I like the end of the chapter where Bryth makes a vain attempt to prevent Solomon from going to fight. I think it’s clear that he fears the earl’s son will be lost (in fact they all will). It’s a great example of how one word can show so much, completely dispensing with any need to tell. For me that word is the ‘just’ – in ‘Bryth just nodded’, nicely done.

Hey Helwar, Totally understand what you're saying, that's too bad. For what it's worth, you're email is very clear (I've read less clear submissions on this site before over the year I've been a member) - but the investment of time is an understandable drawback. I for one would be happy to exchange ideas and comments if you keep posting on this thread - if you're going through the course at the same time as the rest of us. I like the sound of your story, it's intriguing. I'm a fan of post apocalytpic stuff, and I'm already interested to find out what effect could have brought such a change about and how your characters will cope with it.