Kartys

Thank you both for the comments. Extremely helpful. In retrospect this definitely could be considered more of a prologue. Lord Juugastu, I definitely understand what you mean by the "cheap" hook. At one point I had the scene continue a little further, but I really wanted to get some heavy mystery notes to flush out the detective feel of the book. But again I do agree it comes across as the a cheap hook. Definitely something to look into. Mandamon, I am really happy you picked up on the bits about her age because that is a big plot thread that ties up in the climax. Again thank you both for such great comments.

Hello everyone, So this is my first submission to the Reading Excuses site. Really looking forward to all types of feedback. Here is a quick pitch of the story: What does a centuries dead wizard, a faceless gang of assassins, and an over-zealous group of magical law enforcement have in common. They are all standing in James “Griffon” Bates way of doing his job; keeping his latest client, archaeologist Juliet Westings, alive. With only days before she is marked for death, the clock is ticking, but the secrets his client is keeping may be more lethal than he could ever imagine.

I would like to submit the first chapter of a piece this Monday if that is all right. (First Submission)

I will start off saying that I really enjoy your style of writing. It flows very nicely and works well drawing a scene that feels darker without being feeling depressing - ie Till is walking through the Barrow which is basically a depressing slum but the writing still has an almost "cheerful" wit. That said I feel that Till was the only person in the Barrows. You do briefly mention other people (the hungry faced and the footpads) but it felt as if they really weren't there. There is no interaction with the world around him in the early parts of chapter two - He is walking down an empty street surrounded by empty houses etc. If this is what you wanted than great but I felt that the slums would be pretty populated. My next thing is a little bit of a nit pick. You have a moment when you are talking about footpads - the wise and the unwise. I feel that the two examples should be switched - an observant footpad would notice more about the surrounds including the fact that Till's shadow wasn't normal while an unobservant one would focus merely on their target and change their mind based on the body language. I know, nit pick right? (Also side note - I was getting really attached to the story UNTIL I saw the f-word. I don't know what it is but it creates a wall between the setting and me. I think "don't mess with me" would be any less powerful honestly). I really did like the character Darvy but I got mixed signals about the whole tavern scene. On one hand you have this completely rundown, bottle-of-the-barrel place that before Till became "owner" actually had a clientele. I had an image of this patrons as similar to the tavern itself - back ally people that you wouldn't want to run into in a dark ally. Than juxtapose to them you have a barkeep that doesn't seem to have much of a spine. I would either like to see Darvy with a little more backbone - OR - you could create a wonder dynamic between him and Roa. Him the owner her the muscle basically. I feel this could be done well with merely a line or two. The next thing that threw me a bit about the tavern was - again - you have this rundown, bottle-of-the-barrel place yet it seems to serve fantastic ale. To me a place would serve whatever strong beverage it could brew and sell to its hardy clientele. Two things came to mind to address this - One would be a quick line about Darvy's father's secret ale recipe that allowed the place to stay in business so long despite the location or you could have another link to the "Till loves the Barrows because its his home - warts, dung, spoiled ale and all." I must say I loved reading the part about his drawings - I could picture every bit of it and it was fantastic until we got to Ayami and Surr - both of them draw complete blanks in my head (well Surr I see currently as a red blob). I feel that there isn't enough information to even start to picture either of them. Even without a lengthy description (please don't do I hate those) there isn't any cultural information to imagine them myself. Are the people mainly white/darker/skinny/tall/etc. This could be done by a brief line about Surr and a comparison of them as siblings - two birds on stone (or sentence). My last thing is again a VERY SMALL nit pick. The line about Roa reading a book. I had an image of a haggish brute of a woman until that line and she turned into just an ugly girl. I think the image would be more consistent if she doing something like carrying a cask of ale up from the basement or something manual labor-ish. ----------- Overall I really did enjoy the start of this story. In the future I would definitely like to see some part of Till's criminal background (why he was one - just for kicks / to get back at the elite / robinhooding etc). I also hope that there is some background to phrases and words that are used in your setting - ie the Remains (from ch 1) and the use of Death as someone/something that frequently is sworn to.