Robinski

Arrgghhh, rookie mistake, sorry about that, now reissued complete with attachment.

Some action in this part at last after a very slow 'burn' - I hope it's worth the wait.

Super, thanks!

I enjoyed reading this, and I'm assuming there is more to come, although the file isn’t titled as Part 1 of X (I see now that the post is). At the end, I found myself wondering about the programmable ink, which seemed like a neat idea with more to be revealed about its function, but hasn’t appeared again – yet. I felt as if that was going to be a plot point, and maybe it is! I think it’s a Chekhov’s guns situation, as WE would tell us. The mains issues for me were the lack of description of the city (just a little bit here and there, instead of quiet area, noisy area, etc.; lack of description of the room, team and mission at the briefing, to the point of it being confusing; the seemingly low threat level; Kate’s motivations, and her ease of taking charge. As an engineer, I’ve got a tendency to line edit, so forgive me if some of the detailed comments below sound pedantic, but I think they are still worth considering. Looking forward to the next instalment, although as some have mentioned, it would need more character development / time spent in their heads (or Kate’s anyway) and detailed set-up to work at novel length. More please! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Firstly the title, ‘Heist’ made me nervous, I'm not big into ‘capers’ (I like the little pickle, not so much the story form), but putting it with ‘Paladin’ intrigued me. I don’t think you need ‘suggestive’ when you’ve already described the body suit as skin-tight, my imagination is already at work (cough), I think that comes under Show Don’t Tell. Also, surely blending in and drawing attention are polar opposites? But if everyone stands out then no-one does? ‘Evelyn surprised her by kissing the back of her hand...’ I'm intrigued here, I'm wondering if it foreshadowing, if the ink’s programmable, has the kiss disrupted the tattoo’s function in some way? Then I'm starting to realise I don’t know enough about programmable ink at this point. Perhaps another clue is needed to hint (without detailed exposition) at how powerful the technology is, or what is does exactly? ‘...the busy district of the city.’ Which district is it? Is it the only busy district? ‘...to a more quiet part of the city.’ How do we know it’s quieter (I'm no English Major, but ‘more quiet’ didn’t sound right to me, like more good) until they get there? I'm not sure about the p.o.v. there. ...in a well traveled part of the city...’ I'm having a problem with this now. Other than the police vehicles, there is no mention of what the street looks like and whether there are any people around. I presume it’s night, but I'm having trouble picturing the scene, I’ve got something in my head, but there aren’t many visual cues to tell me if I'm close. I think using one word to describe generic parts of the city must be telling not showing, and I'm rebelling against that as I read it. ‘...gripped the handle of her flechette pistol tightly...’ That would be pretty obvious to anyone looking at her, surely, somehow doesn’t seem very stealthy or subtle. ‘...followed the girl into a well lit room...’ Is it right off the street? My impression is we have a lighted room full of people in a closed cafe. I'm thinking the light must be visible from the street if they’re in the first room and this might arouse suspicion unless there was a pretext set up - a private party or dinner? Or perhaps they are in back? But I don’t think that’s clear. I don’t know how old the man is, I'm picturing someone older than all of them, but only because he is clearly the one with authority. In the section about the codeword, the dialogue sounds a bit expositional to me. ‘Kate walked into the room at the back of the cafe...’ I think there’s a disconnect now, is this the same room? They didn’t seem to walk through to the back before, and yet the ‘boss’ man is still here, and I don’t know how many people there are in the room or how they are arranged, what they’re doing, etc. ‘Must be some expensive drone to justify our hiring price’ I would have thought military research would be hundreds of millions at least, as it is in our world, so surely their price must be easily justified. Also, I think ‘hiring price’ would be ‘fee’. ‘Xykon whistled...’ he seems to be surprised and amazed by everything, I'm starting to think he’s not much of a specialist. ‘...tossing disks to each team member...’ seems a bit archaic, and a source of evidence for those investigating. ‘...felony charges...’ If they are stealing military state secrets, would that not be treason? ‘“Well, boys and girls and kiddies of all ages, we are in!’ then goes to ‘...that's how much time you've got to get in and out...’ At this point, I don’t really know what’s happening. They seem to have broken in somewhere, but then they are not in yet. I get that they are going into a Virtual Reality situation, but why do they have to break into a building to do that? I think it could be clearer how their mission is going to work physically, they did not discuss that at the initial meeting. ‘...carefully rolling her onto her back...’ The process and the fact that she needs someone else to hook her up, seems a bit clumsy for cutting edge modern tech. That said, I'm reminded of Cronenberg’s biotech from eXistenz, which worked in pretty much the same way. ‘...let you bleed out here until you wake up.’ Is that the worst that can happen? Suddenly threat level has been dialled way down. Kate’s sudden outburst seems out of character. She has been totally in control up to now. Somehow, it’s not foreshadowed. We don’t really know what her motivation is for doing the job. Is it just money? Maybe at the end of the para, if we knew she needed the money for her brother’s vital operation (for example), it would explain why she would let her control slip, unless she has a problem with her temper, which could also be explained, maybe it has got her in trouble in the past, maybe she was cashiered from her unit - or is she really just frustrated with Arrogance? ‘...stuck here until the lot of you wake up...’ Again, the stakes don’t seem that high. ‘“Better than I've got. Any problems with Specs taking over, Duchess?”’ Steel doesn’t convince me as a leader, he seems to relinquish control immediately that the plan hits a bump, without any tension between him and Kate. Same with Duchess, even though there seemed to be a moment when there was some tension between her and Kate, she’s all sweetness and light at this point. ‘damnation Paladin, AI's aren't supposed to let people get hurt in here...’ But we heard earlier that Paladins were banned for being deadly so this should not come as a surprise to them, surely. ‘...that had suddenly appeared out of the floor.’ If the AI can change the environment to suit its programmes, can it not just drop all the buildings to leave them totally exposed? ‘This was certainly not how she wanted to go.’ But from earlier the worst that would happen is that she would wake up? ‘...as gravity asserted itself,...’ Why does this happen? Seems convenient ‘...making sure we knew to design stuff to bounce.’ Is she a designer? I didn’t get that sense before. ‘...firing his grappling hook past the manhole cover in the wall...’ I'm disoriented now, I thought gravity had reasserted itself?

Hi Silk, Can I just check if I'm submitting on Monday? From the posts above, I count Trizzee, CJ and Turos, but you mentioned three after Trizzee and CJ. Totally, happy to sit out as noted before.

Thank you Mandamon, once again excellent comments. This is my first submission to any writing group, indeed my first real toe in the water outside my family circle, and each time one of you guys comments I am blown away by what a positive experience it is - I hope I'm not overstating it, but it just makes me want to read everything that is posted up here and contribute to this great atmosphere of constructive cooperation. Sorry, that was a bit gushing, not like me really, back to the subject... Good point about the words, even if I can get away with "tweeness" and "legér-de-main", putting them close together has got to be a no-no, agreed. When you paste the sentence about eating habits into a post it does jar - but I think there's a consistency issue here as well. He has dined with these people before - so he's already familiar with their eating habits, so I should at least have said 'become reacquainted' - academic anyway, that bit's for the chop, or at least a short back and sides, along with the whispering passage. I am greatly heartened to hear that you like the style - as I noted earlier, I think this was very much an exercise in style and that the substance needs the same amount of attention for it to go any further than critiquing. Indebted again, best, R

Thank you both for your comments, very valuable. Asmodemon, I can't disagree with any of your observations and, again, it's good to hear them from an objective source. I submitted Tontine as my first toe in the water for Reading Excuses, but knowing it needed to be fixed. Back when I wrote it I did tend towards writing as an expression of the style I was aiming for without considering the story points closely enough, something I hope I am learning from W/E. I was conscious of the lack of likeability of the characters, but that does not excuse the lack of basis for sections of dialogue - I will certainly (try to) fix that when I come to re-writing Tontine, and the hostility thing I can see now, and will address. Sorry about misspelling 'soul', criminal! And using 'dwam', a temptation that I should not have given in to. andyk, I accept completely the point about pacing of the story overall. In reality, it is probably only a short story that has become rather bloated by my weakness for wordiness. I am sharpening the knife! There is some action in the second half, and I won't say any more at this point. Cheers, Robinski

Please excuse the prompt posting, I'm away for the next couple of days and didn't want to miss the window. Cheers, Robinski

Good luck!

Hi there, I'm new here too, and loving it! but enough chat and on to the story... Firstly, the title seems a bit vague and didn’t really grab me. Not bad set up, seems like a standard sort of military engagement so far, think I would have liked to learn more about Arias' character in the first section, and there is a fair amount of technical description. Good to have the two perspectives so early on, and intriguing for there not to be an obvious villain at this stage, despite the two lead characters being on opposing sides. I think that there is danger of confusion from having two names beginning with 'A', especially since the country is Assar also. Even if Alexis and Arias are close in rank (and I wasn’t sure about that), and have been friends for a long time, when on duty her physical show of affection would seem likely to undermine his authority with his troops, even if only subconsciously. I'm not suggesting she wouldn't do it, but it seems a bit naive of him not to see it as a problem if he has any kind of command experience (even coming up through the ranks), and perhaps react negatively to it (or at least be conflicted about it), even if he keeps that thought to himself. But maybe I was the only one that stood out for. On the ‘aggressive’ or ‘defensive’ point, I would have thought a good captain would have a plan for both situations although, as you say, which choice he makes will determine the outcome, but he should be thinking about having options to choose from. I like the sequence where Soli jumps to the raptor, exciting. I was starting to query the logic of that, but the scene pulled me along. ‘You and I both know we can't keep our raptors out in a storm.’ If they both know it, why would he say it? You have a tendency to use the same word twice close together. I noticed several instances in this chapter. I think it stands out, and isn’t necessary. I didn’t get a great sense from the dialogue between Soli and Navin that there were deep-seated differences between them. To me, a few strong words don’t necessarily mean a long-standing antipathy, so when Navin expresses the thought it felt like exposition to me, something planted in the story for later use. Then suddenly they are grinning at each other – their emotions in this scene feel inconsistent to me. I do like the last line, great ending line for the chapter. Overall, I enjoyed this start. I don't think that the characters have clearly different personalities so far. There is enough that I want to read on, and I like the pacing, I think it reads well (with some grammar quibbles), but you haven’t grabbed my attention yet. Still looking forward to the next instalment though!

Fair comment, I do recognise most of these traits in my writing, but I think one needs to be told this stuff for it sink in, so thank you! As far as commas go, well there are rules for those, not that I'm an expert (obvs). Setting-wise it is Earth - none of the names are made up - surely doesn't need to be another world for 'magic' to make an appearance? In relation to the characters, there are few likeable ones agreed, and they are peripheral, that was a conscious decision (risk) - a bit of a challenge that I set myself because of the other writing that I had done at the time (the first draft was completed in 2008). I do appreciate your comments, thank you.

Of course, completely understand!

Very useful comments, thank you, my alpha reader has been telling me about the descriptions for some time - definitey guilty, but trying to mend my ways. No arguement about the dialog point as well, a fault I need to be better at catching. The most helpful thing coming across to me is the characters to tending towards stereotype, I'm very glad that people seem to be finding them interesting to some degree, but it's probably not enough at the target level, must consult the relevant WE 'cast! Thank you again - lots of good stuff to think about.

Thank you very much for those comments, very helpful. You have me bang to rights on the flowery prose and adjectives. There are failings of mine that I am trying to work on, my excuse here is that this is an older piece, but I agree that I have probably not pruned enough in revising. I shall also consider cutting the first paragraph, or revising with a better hook. The 'single-mindedness' of the characters is another good point - not something I've picked up to date, but I will certainly pay attention to that in revising down the line. The whole thing is written, so be prepared for some more adjectives!, but hopefully you'll find the pace quickening due to the adjectives thinning out a bit. Thanks again!

Lol, you got me there - I get my fashion advice from Howard Wolowitz! Thank you very much for your kind words.

He was good, wasn't he - well cast all round, no 'obviously attractive' people - I did find Jessica Hyde rather annoying though, seemed sometimes to be trying a little too hard to be cookie and mysterious.

Yup, I'll agree with you there. I fear Matt Smith leaving might be the start of a second decline comparable with the departure of Tom Baker in the original run - no offence to Peter Davidson. Sorry to continue off topic, but I'm interested to know where you stand on 'Utopia'? (Apart from, not too close to the edge of course. Boom, boom!!)

I'm sorry for jumping in so quickly, but I'm keen to submit the 4 parts of my Novella in 4 consecutive weeks, if that's okay? In which case I'd like to submit Part 2 of Tontine Inn on Monday 8th July.

Hi All, This is the first of four parts of a novella (by SFFWA standards) that runs to over 17,000 words. It (the novella) is the second part of a six story series, but the first to introduce the characters featured, so you're not missing anything. As to genre, I'll admit to not being sure how to describe it exactly. I won't say anything more here other than that it has a loosely implied period. I hope that you find something to enjoy in it, and I would very much welcome any comments that you have. Many thanks. Best, Robinski

Hi, my name is Robin, I am a transport engineer by profession, and have been writing for a very long time. In the last year however I discovered Writing Excuses, and then NaNoWriMo, and have upped my game considerably in terms of trying to my stuff out there. I'm on a mission! Amongst the various things I've been working on for some time is an adventure trilogy (doubtful I could call it fantasy, as there are no fantastical elements in it). First novel is finished at 225,000 words, with 100k of the second one down and about 50k of the third. I've also finished the first draft of a 100k word contemporary story set in the place that I live. My goal for this year is to finish catching up with Writing Excuses podcasts, which I take notes on, and apply these in my writing. I hope to submit to Reading Excuses a historical 'horror' series (6 stories) that I'm working on, although I not entirely convinced about it direction-wise, I do like the characters - so I'm really looking forward to hopefully getting some feedback, which will be very much appreciated. My favourite authors are Jack Vance, Robert Jordan, our man Brandon ('natch), David Gemmell, Peter Hamilton, Iain Banks (r.i.p.), Jeff Noon, David Wingrove, etc. Great to meet you all. (p.s. I submit the excellent 'Sherlock' to counter Andy's suggestion that UKTV is inferior, although it might just be the exception that proves the rule (Games of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Firefly, X-Files, West Wing, Mad Men, True Blood uniformly brilliant) - I'm in two minds about Doctor Who and Torchwood since Russell Davies moved on.)

I really enjoyed the story, having read three of yours now (Silence of Second Street, and Beta Three Leader) I think this one is the best in terms of style, setting and character. The narrative really clips along and, despite one or two minor phrasing issues for me, I think it reads really well. I have some specific minor comments below, but it was the outcome that I had the most trouble with, I can’t bring myself to believe that one woman could walk onto a foreign diplomat’s dirigible and take a highly prized, top secret war manual without encountering any resistance. Where are his guards, why has he brought the critical war manual into (soon to be) enemy territory? How is it that China can be rendered powerless without this one book? I'm afraid that premise did not convince me. But even though that aspect bothered me, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. Tao and Zhai are good characters and their interaction is for the most part very convincing. ------------------------------------ Pg2 – This first indication of the husbands being present felt disjointed to me. I didn’t understand who Bao Yong was until I had read further. There are a lot of names to keep straight in just over a page. Again, my impression was that the ladies were alone, with the husbands being elsewhere. ‘tiny double take’ sounded comical to me. If Zhai is practised in restraint as a diplomat’s wife perhaps she would do nothing more than blink? One or two of her reactions seem a little artless for someone in such a sensitive position. Pg5 – I really like the tension in the exchange around the book, and the poorly concealed excitement that Zhai displays. I did wonder if she might not have made more of an effort to disguise her injuries, perhaps with some powder, since she would presumably go to considerable lengths to avoid the acute embarrassment of that being discovered. At first I felt that Tao’s reaction (outrage, ‘terrible’) was naive for someone who seemed to be a spy, again on Pg9, where she feels guilt at deceiving a woman whose country would conquer hers. Pg6 – This is the first mention of China/Chinese and it pulled me out of the story for a moment. I have no knowledge of any of the other names, so my assumption to this point was that we were dealing with different kingdoms within China, or possible some fictitious oriental setting. I think it would help some readers to confirm the setting on Page 1. Pg11 – It seems too convenient that Zhai has such a compelling reason to turn against her husband, and that Tao shares it.

Thanks for those photo links, very interesting. I guess people don't really think about that, I know I didn't. Your story obviously got me thinking about fire-fighting too, which can't be a bad thing. Also been thinking about the story since I read it, and the practicalities of every day for a gorgon in modern society - many challenges I'm sure, and I'm wondering now if there are other mythical creatures leading 'hum-drum' lives in that world?

How do you pronounce 'Siane'? I like the first paragraph, I'm asking questions like, 'Why is she the lynch-pin?' and 'What is her heritage?', which of course makes me want to read on. The voice of the narrative is rather informal in places, which I find brings me out of the story a bit at the start, for example in para.1 - 'a pain' rather than an inconvenience; para.3 - 'job turned' rather than 'job became', I guess it's maybe just a style thing though - my problem not yours! Does it really take four to manoeuvre the hose, increasing to 5 when Mel joins? Seems inefficient - I have a picture of them all standing there like a tug-o-war, but I guess I am reading this incorrectly? There is some negative phrasing in relation to Mel in the first couple of pages. There's mention of her taking it easy and abandoning her post, not that she is as such, but the association of those phrases made me think negatively. I like the feeling of urgency, very effective, And when the time starts ticking up (even though I'm not quite sure what is due to happen in the 5 minutes allotted, the tension is great. And then the twist, nice one! I really enjoyed that, very effective. Completely unexpected and yet the title of the story falls nicely into place. There were a few grammatical points that I noticed, but the flow of the action so effective that I was pulled past them at a good rate by the story, and my desire to reach the end. I liked the pacing, and there were some nice points of details, such as the boy holding a llama rather than a teddy bear. As the Writing Excuses team would say, I thought you kept all the promises made to the reader at the beginning and I was left feeling satisfied by the story. Overall, very good, definitely enjoyed it. I agree completely with the others on the he/it thing. Flipping over to using 'it' and 'the statue' would be interesting, but because she knows the boy can be reanimated(?) perhaps 'he' is the more likely, not sure. More please! I still want to read 'Elephantine vs. The Stoat'!

Yes Silk, I would like to submit on Monday please. First part of four of what the SFFWA would say is a novella.

The gender mix didn't phase me, I thought it was state quietly and not overtly drawn attention to. Greater threat from the pursuers would certainly distract from the central relationship. Good news on the 'ain'ts'! I think that sentence form (length and grammar) and word choice (vocabularly as opposed to accent or dialect) are good ways to distinguish between voices, and can be more subtle than accent. The danger would be becoming too wordy (a real failing of mine), but I think it only takes one word to draw a distinction between a character that tries to use words proper, and another who uses language correctly (or thinks they do!!).