Robinski

I had to go back and add the addendum because I felt as if I had blasted the chapter somewhat first time, and yet as time went by I realised that the tone and the setting had stayed with me, I think you've got something there for sure, and Layna has good potential as a lead character. (Hey, what do you know, I didn't shut up afterall... how unusual)

Well enough written, evoking some interesting images but story itself is not particularly surprising and ends up where most people would expect it to go, I think. I know now that you’ve answered this already, but I found myself asking ‘Is it part of a larger piece? I'm not quite sure what its function is.’ It’s not really long enough for us to learn much about Hal’s character or to develop a theme and comment on it, in fact my reaction was quite the opposite, instead of finding our something about the ‘death’ character as you noted, I found myself wanting to know more about Hal. His background sounds harrowing, and a longer piece on the psychological effects and a scene about how he interacts with a ‘normal’ person I think would have been very interesting. Just spit-balling, but perhaps the first time he is brought to the door by someone seeking refuge from the storm, then the following night there’s another knock and this time it’s death. Okay, maybe that’s going off on the wrong track, but I just felt this was so short that I did not have time to glean much of anything from it. Well enough written, evoking some interesting images but story itself is not particularly surprising and ends up where most people would expect it to go, I think. I know now that you’ve answered this already, but I found myself asking ‘Is it part of a larger piece? I'm not quite sure what its function is.’ It’s not really long enough for us to learn much about Hal’s character or to develop a theme and comment on it, in fact my reaction was quite the opposite, instead of finding our something about the ‘death’ character as you noted, I found myself wanting to know more about Hal. His background sounds harrowing, and a longer piece on the psychological effects and a scene about how he interacts with a ‘normal’ person I think would have been very interesting. Just spit-balling, but perhaps the first time he is brought to the door by someone seeking refuge from the storm, then the following night there’s another knock and this time it’s death. Okay, maybe that’s going off on the wrong track, but I just felt this was so short that I did not have time to glean much of anything from it.

...yes, perhaps instead it's a kind of inverse purgatory...

Come on, let's be honest, internet must be close to being classed as one of the elements by now, Earth, Water, Air, Fire, Internet surely, and not necessarily in that order...

I have a 45 minute commute too, but if I was reading during it I think I might get pulled over ;o) I am enjoying 'Seeds of Dissolution' too, but I've afraid you're not going to get my comments for a while yet - sorry! I'm a slow reader even once I get the chance. I'm managing about one chapter a night when I get the chance to reader, so about two / three a week, but I'm getting there - it's very readable, it's my time that's the problem... And I want to read Shrouds too, perhaps my comments will be in time for Christmas (arrgghh!)...

Well done! Let's be having that novel now, no excuses!!

This has stayed with me over the days since I read it, and I realised that there is something that I don't think I said. I really liked the tone of the chapter, the mood of it. The transition from family gathering to threat and violence was nicely timed, and as I think back on it I really did like the atmosphere, in particular the impression of Layna and Emmy being out in the fields in the dark, and yet it not feeling threatening until Layna noticed the fire. I'll shut up now.

I enjoyed this chapter in some parts, and in the overall idea, but there were some things I had real problems with. I'm still looking forward to reading more, but I'm having issues that are troubling me. Nothing unfixable, if you think some of these are valid. Page 1: a hundred different smells, but you only mention three, these seem to overpower the others, so how are the rest detectable? Seemed incongruous. ‘the’ belly What is Ruachain? ‘drunk on ale and a completed harvest’ didn’t make sense to me at first, perhaps ‘...and the thrill of a completed harvest’? ‘everyone’ Page 2: ‘Auntie Mae’ made me think of Spider-man, sorry! Even more scents than a hundred?! Page 5: ‘unexpectedly’? We find out here that Talmon is ‘Father or all’, but when his name is taken in vain earlier, we don’t know that he is a deity (presumably), could be anybody. ‘blessings yon measure’, beyon(d) measure? I would say that ‘yon’ is more commonly a contraction of ‘yonder’. Is Richard’s plate really bare? He has not been given any food? Page 6: ‘sang like broken glass’ – does broken glass sing? I’m not feeling that simile. Neither ‘The boy’s fingers broke into an unsteady melody’ nor ‘his adolescent tenor began to sing’ sound right to me. These phrases sound as if the parts of the boy have sentience of their own. Also, is the song about weed, because it sure sounds like it is? Page 7: At the end of the page, we have another mystery in terms of what is in Layna’s past, but I'm still wondering about Richard, and why he is not participating. Somehow, these hints feel in conflict. Page 8: I don’t like the word ‘dripped’ there, I think it has connotations that are more adult. ‘...a bird’s gonna rust on it...’ That’s not nice, I find myself liking Layna less and less as I read on, she should be setting any example to the youngster. Perhaps a bird might ‘sit’ on her lip? Page 9: Emmy’s whining does not seem particularly mature. ‘...steep enough to be implausible for farming...’ – ‘implausible’ doesn’t sound right to me, ‘unsuitable’? I think ‘plopped’ is the sort of word that would be used in a children’s book. Brandon has used the word ‘squished’ more than once and I hate it, it’s not Sesame Street, Brandon, we’re grown-ups here! (Sorry, rant over). What’s wealthy about having a bonfire? Page 10: ‘The strong scent of stony earth and the sky before a storm’ What about the scent? The thought is incomplete, for example, ‘She smelled the strong scent of...etc.’ Page 11: ‘...practiced her corners’ mask since she was young...’ I don’t understand that use of the word ‘corners’, maybe it’s an expression I don’t know. ‘In a furrow of her brow, a twitch of her mouth.’ Is this not a continuation of the previous sentence? ‘Except it couldn’t have been Alest. The town was too far and in the other direction.’ Would it really take this long for Layna to notice that town was in completely the other direction from the light? I wasn’t convinced by that. ‘The word slipped out of her mouth like a greased pig.’ What?! I don’t think this is supposed to be a comic moment, is it? ‘But the sinking weight in her chest told her true.’ Grammar, to me the narrative should have a neutral voice rather than what sounds like a country accent. Page 12: ‘They would have posted watch on the river—that was obvious. Maybe the pond too. The irrigation channels! There were dozens spread across hundreds of acres; there was no way to guard every one. And while the fallow grass barely came up to Layna’s knee, it might be enough to conceal Emmy.’ – I'm really confused now. Who is guarding the water sources and why? Why does she need to hide Emmy? Surely she needs to get her home safely a raise the alarm? For me there is too much going on that is not explained and only barely implied. Now Layna is telling Emmy to hide when there is a fire that is presumable approaching, possibly at great speed? Maybe I’ve read the situation wrong, but that seems like madness to me, I now have little respect for Layna’s judgement, there must be someone who can look after Emmy, surely she needs to be with people? Page 13: ‘The tinkling of steel against sheath’ – tinkling? Page 14: ‘He knew what he was about.’ This seems to imply he has some expertise in this situation, but he then charges a man with a knife to his wife’s throat, that seems like a very poor choice, he seems to have brought about her death by his own action. Who is the struggling lump and the wriggling mass? We aren’t told. Are we supposed to assume it is Emmy? If so, I don’t think it’s clear. ‘And though no one was there to see...’ where did they all go, weren’t they all gathered around? Maybe that was just my impression, but it seems to me they would be gathered around Aunt Mae’s body. ------------ I have two main issues with the chapters so far. Firstly, in this chapter, I think there are too many things hinted at and implied that are not sufficiently outlined, namely (1) Richard’s mysterious behaviour; (2) Layna’s past, where I think the hints could be more informative but still retain mystery; (3) all the references to guarding the water, which completely distracted my from the climactic chapter ending; and (4) the vague hints at the bundle. To me these things felt a bit like holes rather than mysteries. The other issue I'm having so far is that I don’t feel engaged with Pate, and I seem to have taken a dislike to Layna. Neither has shown any competence or strength of character yet, and I think the reader needs more to latch onto and to root for. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I was quite frustrated by these things. I think the arc of the chapter is ideal, and Auntie Mae’s death and a kidnapping is a perfect way to end it, and to create strong conflicts and motivations for the character, and desire in the reader to read on. I just think there are some points that need some more thought, but I'm still keen to read on to see how things develop. And, reading through this again, I wonder if we get enough of a look at the raiders to develop a sufficient loathing of them, they are not really given enough sunstance for the reader to latch onto. I hope there's something useful here that doesn't duplicate too much.

Thank you for the comments Andy. I can definitely accept the point about dialog tags, I have a tendency to overdo those, as I have learned from Writing Excuses. A good learning point. The need for me to address the rationale for the negotiation is clear, I think I can do that with a sentence here and there, or perhaps one passage leading into it. I'm delighted that you found the place names effective. None of them my own work I'm afraid. If I haven't said before the setting is entirely real and located in the County of Rutland, and eveything is pretty much where I say it is. I changed one of two of the major names around just to make it slightly less blatent, but if the Rutland Blacklake story is ever a best seller (ha!), they can run tours. I was also pleased that you found relevance and effect in the circumstances around his breaking into the house. I think I could be doing more with his emotional state, as you mentioned before, and there is something to build on with him unexpectedly reaching for faith. I clearly have some foreshadowing to do, and I will take your comment on board about Blacklake having to work harder to justify his continued existence. I really can't thank you enough for all your comments. My first experience of sutmitting his been incredibly positive and I'm very grateful for your interest. Time now for another draft! Best, R

Thank you Andy, good points well made. I'm on board with all of these. Wordiness is my folly, and I think I've managed to address it somewhat in the years since I wrote Tontine. Since the last part of Blacklake's story was my NaNoWriMo last year, I might put that up for Alpha reading if that thread gets going again. That will test how well I've addressed it (or not!). Since the previous comment on the POV shift, I've read David Gemmell's 'First Chronicles of Druss the Legend' and he does exactly what you describe, in that he put's a scene break in to mark a POV shift although the action continues without a break. On Sabine permitting the embrace, it's supposed to be a tell-tale, but it might be buried a bit too deep. I haven't flagged it even a little, so it obviously doesn't work. Looking forward to finding what you thought of the ending, which I'm about to read!

I've been seeing 'Seeds of Dissolution' pop up from time to time, but that was quite some blanket coverage! Even though I haven't read a word of it, only signing up at Chapter 10 or so, I though I would read cj's comments and now I'm total intrigued. Sounds to me likes it's an ideal candidate for alpha reading, put me down for a copy too.

I'm sorry to say I haven't picked up on Shrouds, I think you had just posted Chapter 5 or 6 when I joined, and I was a bit nervous about offering comments on something that I hadn't followed from the start. Having a post on Alpha Reading is a great idea. Presumably it would be easy enough to 'follow' the post to get notifications when a novel had been put in the dropbox. I guess it might tend to take some readers away from weekly submissions, but there would obviously be longer timescale involved in alpha reading anyway. I's sign up for alpha reading.

Thank you Asmodemon, for those very helpful comments, sorry it took me so long to reply. I would not disagree with anything you say. The 'Joshua' thing links to another of the stories in the series, but that doesn't help you here of course! I'm beginning to think that the whole thing is two or three novels rather than a series of stories. Blacklake's arc is certainly longer than what is in Tontine, and I'd like to think that he comes out better at the end of 'The Mathematical Bridge', which is easiet to think of as the sequal to Tontine. I finished the first draft of TMB late last year, so it needs another go through before I would post it here - and it's 64k, so a different animal to this. Many thanks again, much appreciated.

I enjoyed this very much. I like the way that the opening paragraphs have a travelogue style. So often stories start with some kind of combat situation, frequently during wartime, but this is quite different. There is still conflict, but it seems more subtle, an underlying tension between neighbouring societies at a political level. From there we move on to the more personal conflicts between the academics and the native population (and each other!), but it’s more thoughtful than martial combat, and it seems to go directly to the heart of the story. I know others have said ‘info dump’, but I don’t agree. The first couple of pages or so put me in mind of Jack Vance, who was the first author I read that made me want to write. Some of my points are mentioned by others, so apologies for repetition, but maybe with a different slant. I have various lesser grammatical comments (noted below) my main issue however is that Lithomancy is really quite reminiscent of Alomancy. I know you’ve responded on that, but I think it’s a valid point, especially taken with the fact that there are a defined number of Lithomantic pulses, and a mysterious additional one that no-one knows about. Also, the use of Lithomancy (although I appreciate you are still developing) has a similar 'feel' to that of Alomancy. Can all geologists use the power of Lithomancy, or have the latent ability, and it’s only Crillon’s prohibition that prevented Marcos or him from opening the tomb? Also, there is mention of Luther being the only one with training in oration because he is a noble. I know it’s not directly related to the Lithomancy, but it did strike another chord that resonated with the occurrence of Alomantic ability in the Mistborn books. A – You use several terms such as ‘tent like’, which made the reading disjointed, rather than writing them as ‘tent-like’, which I think they should be. B – Some words were capitalised when I don’t think they should be, like ‘Emperors’ (page 3) when not referring to any specifically named emperors, and ‘Scribe’ (page 5). C – There are some instances of word repetition close together, which I think sounds awkward when reading. (e.g. mid Page 3 ‘along’; mid Page 8 ‘now’; Page 10 para 2 ‘plates’ and ‘huge’; mid Page 11 ‘just’). D – There is reference to Crillon staying home (Page 4), and yet we find later that he is out on the mountain. When I read Page 4, my impression was that he had remained back in Atlantis and had sent his juniors out on the field expedition to do all the work. E – Near the end of Page 5, I was confused between the ‘answer’ and ‘question’ in the discussion between Gana and Luther. F – On Page 8, I'm not sure what Luther is aligning to the second pulse, is it his thoughts, his heartbeat, some inner force? G – There are various places where I think it would be better to have commas between different parts of sentences where it is natural to pause, for example, ‘It was unsurprisingly an ordered affair.’ versus, ‘It was, unsurprisingly, an ordered affair.’ Overall, I really enjoyed your writing. We learn a lot about the back story, the political situation and the characters without anything that I would call an info dump. There was good tension throughout most of Parts 1 and 2, and good personal conflicts, without a blow being struck, and this is despite there being no war involved and no military personnel. I'm not sure whether I'm reading a novel or part of a novella or short story, but I hope it’s a novel, since I'm looking forward to reading more, my only hesitation is over how similar Lithomancy and Alomancy might be.

I haven't been on RE long, but I think I've read 8-10 pieces now, but I've been writing for ages, so I know I've developed a lot of habits of my own. I'm interested to know about the tools that people use, and the approach. I know that writing is not about the tool, and Writing Excuses taught us (very early on) to ignore the tool and write!!, but I can't help being curious. Best, R

I enjoyed this, and I'm looking forward to reading more. In the mean time, here are my comments, which I hope are useful. Page 1: It’s Miller puffing, not the pipe, presumably. I like the initial tension between Miller and Pate. The dialogue and Pate’s thoughts are short and snappy, which is effective. However, the tossing of the knife seems a bit childish. I doubt that a serious/competent person would do this, so the first opinion I have about Pate is that he’s perhaps not competent and is rather naive, or has a (misplaced) need to try and show off to his superior. Page 2: Technically, I think ‘He forgot how hungry one became...’ I appreciate that using ‘one’ sounds very formal, but ‘...you got...’ doesn’t sound right to me. ‘The place had stood...’ There are several names thrown at the reader here, and we don’t know what any of them are. Is ‘Rostho Faldera’ the house or building? Is ‘Terec’ a person? Is ‘Carmine’ a country? I think ‘Dyron’s Conquest’ is okay because it seems obvious, but I don’t know if ‘Charing’ is a country or a city. Why would the palace not be beautiful because it is old? Also, I would say that ‘old’ and ‘dignified’ tend to go together, so the notion that these things oppose each other seems odd. I'm puzzled that there are men who appear to be guests leaving through the servant’s entrance to the reception room, especially since we don’t hear anything about them. Then again, maybe I’m supposed to be puzzled. Then again, again, if they are trying not to create suspicion why not just leave by the front door? Unless they are potentially recognisable to someone outside, dunno, just seemed odd. Page 3: The sentence about Faruco doesn’t make sense. Do you mean ‘teetotaller’ to refer to his sexual habits? That would be celibacy. I didn’t know what a caracal was. Googling it, I see is it is the desert lynx. I'm not sure that many people would know that, so I think it’s going to make them break out of the story to Google it, or at least be puzzled before they move on. Not sure about the phrasing in relation to Rugier’s reputation. I think ‘Diplomacy was (is) a difficult enough realm without being preceded by your reputation...’ is clearer. Can a hand be proud? Perhaps ‘...raised a hand in a prideful gesture’? Similarly, I don’t think his voice can be pedantic, maybe his tone? (How’s that for pedantry?!) And surely it’s not pedantic to state either of the two facts that he gives? I do like Rugier’s reaction, (nae messin’, as they say in Glasgow). It would be tempting to let him make a speech, but by omitting that, you show us something about Rugier’s character, nicely done. Page 4: ‘I don’t like ‘Uh-oh’, sounds like Scooby Doo, but I do like the twist, I was definitely suckered by Rugier’s feigned reaction to Pate. Page 5: I don’t like the doors opening ‘eagerly’ they’re wooden doors without emotions, how about ‘readily’ or ‘easily’? The use of ‘forth’ seems out of place when none of the rest of the language is that formal, ‘pulled out a chair’ would seem to fit better with the general style. I don’t think you need to say ‘as expected’, the Terecs are the hosts, where else would they sit? Page 6: I like the double reverse of Miller and Pate being placed under arrest after all, it’s almost unexpected now, after what seemed like a joke by Rugier initially. We are not told what Latern is, it could be a country, a religious order? Page 7: Using the words ‘resistance’ and ‘futile’ in the same sentence only has one effect, everyone looks over their shoulder for Borg, I think it’s a cliché now. Page 8: This is the first mention that Miller and Pate are rebels. To me, it felt shoe-horned in. Page 9: What is ‘Yléz’, a curse? And ‘Alysians’ is dropped into the conversation at the end of the chapter and unexplained, we can work out it’s the nationality of Pate and Miller – presumably, but it’s another example of a ‘foreign’ word that is not explained, and I think it distances the reader from the action. The end of the chapter is effective, I'm keen to know what happens, although since Pate is the p.o.v. character, I am presuming that he lives, so I don’t think that’s the biggest concern, but I'm interested in what is going on. I know I’ve mentioned names not being explained several times. I suppose you could look at it as creating a wider sense of mystery and disorientation, but it seems to be leading to a big info dump where we learn what all these names are, and that could be a problem as an opening for Chapter 2. Overall, I like the writing. There could be some grammatical polishing and there are a few typos, but I was carried along by the pace of the action, and there were a couple of surprises that bode well for unexpected and interesting things continuing to happen through the story. Pate seems a bit ineffectual so far, but I appreciate that is because he is in a learning situation. Presumably, he has some kind of skill or ability that will make him seem a bit more competent as we go forward.

I like the idea of the story, but I think there are some fairly significant questions that need to be answered, and issues addressed, which would make it a much stronger story. Page 1: The first line is engaging, and we are quickly into the action with an ‘in late’ approach. The notion of ants conducting gladiatorial combat is intriguing, although battles between anthropomorphised creatures are not completely original, of course (I'm thinking of ‘A Bug’s Life’ and ‘Antz’ – but also the book ‘Empire of the Ants’ by Bernard Werber). Page 3: After three pages, we are well into the combat, and I am still keen to know the outcome of the contest. There are some grammar points that are a little distracting in places, but not to the point that I was taken out of the story, but still worth fixing. In a classic underdog situation like this, I am expecting the grasshopper to win, otherwise the story would not seem to be going anywhere, but it has already been indicated that the rules are not likely to be honoured, so I know that victory is not enough, and that there is a ‘plan’, nothing of which has been revealed other than its existence. All in all there is enough background to keep me interested, and reading, an enough action to divert me away from scrutinising the situation, which I know little about, too closely. Page 4: Despite his pessimism, Corkle (like the name), didn’t seem to have too much trouble getting an advantage, albeit a small one, and the fight seems more balanced than was indicated through Corkle’s thoughts. Page 5: Both the ant queen and the mantis seem to die rather easily. Page 6: I'm not keen on the new ant queen ‘showing up’; I think a more specific comment (without going into detail) would sound better there. Also, some of the behaviour seems a little odd, and I'm not sure whether I should be thinking in terms of the ants and grasshoppers following the behaviour of their genus as we know it, or more humanoid behaviour patterns. For example, is the red ant likely to turn and run when grievously wounded? Is that human or ant behaviour, and is it consistent? Page 7: I like the reveal of the ant king..., Page 8: ...but I don’t like the word ‘swordsbug’. Overall, I like the idea of Corkle suffering a reverse after beating the odds, because the first outcome is pretty much a given, since he is the protagonist. The victories, first over the mantis, and then over the ant queen, do not seem to be very difficult to achieve, they happen so quickly. My other concern is that I am judging the behaviour of the various species against what little I know of them in nature and, while that is not very much, I found myself doubting some aspects. That said, having an ant king is interesting, because (as another noted) it brings something new, but then there is no explanation of his role in the colony, which I think was the biggest frustration for me. I think you’ve got a good idea here, but some of the aspects need some reworking.

Page 1: Good first sentence, right away I'm wondering why the captain is apprehensive. Minor style point, ‘the ship’ is used a lot in the first few lines - as others have said - distracting. Again, ‘Jared’ used three times in quick succession, also a bit distracting. I am intrigued now about the mutiny however, wondering about the circumstances surrounding it. Four uses of ‘side’ in the last paragraph. Page 2: I'm not keen on the line about his feet being sentient in their own right, dangerous notion! Page 5: ‘Dear Lord in Heaven, Bryon thought. That may make up for Jared's helpfulness all by itself.’ I'm not quite sure what he means here, also the underline seems a bit strange, is that a formatting issue? He seems to mean that Jared’s words will have a counterproductive effect. That becomes evident from what happens next, but I wasn’t entirely clear on that from the captain’s words. My first assumption was that the two shots together were both Jared’s, however it seems that it was one each, maybe it’s just me or perhaps it’s worth clarifying. This must be the least I’ve written about any story that I’ve comment on so far. I thought the writing was tight, my only quibble was the word repetition at the beginning, a minor point, but I think it’s worth changing as it does catch the attention. The main point I would make though, as others have said (please excuse repetition), is I think that the ending is easy to predict. The piece is so short that there is only one strand, so the most obvious scope for a plausible twist is for Jared to be double-crossing the captain. I would say I was starting to think that way at Page 2, because of how often the captain thinks about how helpful Jared is being, it becomes the classic Shakespeare line, ‘The lady doth protest too much’, okay not a lady, but you get my point. I then started thinking what you might do to fix that if you felt it was necessary. Perhaps it’s a double bluff and the captain suspects, and is ready for the fact, that Jared is planning the double cross. Or perhaps the captain is ready for the double cross, but in fact, Jared was genuine all along, and the captain is left in gnawing, unresolved doubt. Just a couple of notions to ponder, but putting that aside, I thought the writing was good, the action skipped along, not giving the reader much time to settle, the fighting scene is snappy and exciting. Good writing for me, but worth thinking about the ending which I think lets the rest down.

I hope that I'm not repeating too much what the others have said, or that I'm at least giving a slightly different slant, I don't like reading the other comments before I write my own, so this is a cut-and-paste job. I'm not keen on the title. A gourd is not a very impressive thing to be able to smash. As a name for a skycraft it seems like an ironic insult. I appreciate that it’s just a working title though, but then the same comment applies to the name of the ship, I think. Page 1: For me the first page has some strong imagery, there is action and peril, and it’s interesting enough that I want to read on. I was a bit distracted by some of the grammatical issues, at least one typo, etc. but nothing that would stop me reading on. Page 2: What is a ‘murn’? We’ve got murns, riarks and humans, and at this point, we don’t understand much about the relationships between them, other than who’s fighting with and against whom. Later evridins are introduced, and again the relationship isn’t clear. The captain seems to be relying on hope and doesn’t have a back-up plan to cover more than one option. He doesn’t seem all that well prepared for the mission. Some of the phrasing doesn’t sound right to me. At this point I'm thinking as much about the writing as the content. I think the story would benefit greatly from some polishing of the writing. Grammar checking in Word (etc.) can be annoying, but it usually does have a point to make. Page 3: With the flash to Diro in his thoughts about Rin (can he be having these thoughts if his mind is vacant?) I'm getting disoriented, are we are two time frames, or are these linear events with disconnects? Page 4: ‘The silence had plenty of reason to be.’ To be what? ‘He saw as the murnish skycraft hammered its way into the volcano.’ Saw what? ‘watched’? Page 5: ‘it’s’ is not possessive, but a contraction of ‘it is’ – sorry, but that’s a hobby-horse of mine. So riarks are demons? I think the reader should learn this earlier. ‘In a wave that resembled a furious scream of failure,’ is it an explosion? I thought the image was unclear because of the comparison to a scream. ‘The stranger's shoulder's bent into a frown.’ I'm not sure how that works as an image, also ‘shoulders’ (no apostrophe). By the end of the prologue, I am full of questions. There are lots of big, geological images, fire and brimstone, etc. which is good. There are also some potentially interesting characters. I want to know about the stranger, so I'm geared up to keep reading. The grammar is quite distracting in places and definitely needs to be polished/corrected. There is also some tense confusion in here and there. Page 6: I am wondering why is Firstrid unaware that Gourd-smasher took out the riark ship, did no one other than the stranger see it happening, or deduce from the relationship of the wreckage what had happened, or did the lava conceal the remains? I don’t think it’s clear. What is the relationship between his name (Fistrid) and his title (General Fist)? Page 7: ‘Can not’ is one word. An example of one phrasing issue is ‘...a part of his mind felt relieved for an excuse...’ rather to have an excuse. Page 8: "Sir? I am well rested." She’s making the same mistake she pointed out to him, is she not? ‘sky captain’ makes me think of the film ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’. Page 9: Phrasing, ‘A suiting task...’ suitable, surely. Page 10: So I get the name of the ship now, but my earlier comment stands. Why would they wait so long to respond if this Iron Devil had been for two days towards Grister City? Also, the main definition of ‘veer’ is to change direction suddenly, so I don’t think a vessel could spend two days veering. Page 12: What does the reference to ‘your people’ mean? What does Diro have against society, are they not his people too, as the son makes out? Phrasing: Why is the statue on the estate waiting? For someone in such a big rush, there is a lot of description of surroundings as she hurries along. We know that she is easily distracted, apparently, but the description waters down the supposed pace of this section. Page 13: ‘It was silly how much they focused on the role,’ who is they? What about the king? Overall, I think there is quite a bit to be positive about. I like the scale of the ideas and the imagery. At the end of Chapter One, we have three or four main characters in Maren, Fistrid and the stranger, although Diro seems still to exist, and I'm interested to find out more about them. The spelling and grammar errors are quite distracting. There is a spelling error on every page, I think, and it’s easily avoided by using a spellchecker, even if it’s only just before submission. As I mentioned, I think some of the phrasing needs revision or clarity. I think some of the descriptions could be more effective and shorter at the same time. We still don’t know how humans relate to murnish, and I don’t think it’s entirely clear what effect the riarks have had on the world. How big is the world, are there many nations preparing or guarding against another invasion? Looking forward to seeing how it goes. In terms of your question about organisation, I think everyone is both a discover writer and an outliner, everyone needs to know where they are going to some degree, even it is a single sentence for an idea, that is still the most basic outline. Then again, even the most ardent outliner has to stop and will in the gaps and 'discover' the how the events and arcs they have set down come to pass. I tend to have a spine for the story, and the starting traits of the characters and an idea of how they will react, then hit them with the events and see what happens. Either they will react predictably based on their characteristics, or the events will change them. Hopefully it's the latter, otherwise it probably won't be as interesting a story as it could, or should, be.

All good points, thank you, and certainly fixable, I will see to these in the re-write. Encouraged that you enjoyed it best so far, but I accept earlier points that there is a fair bit of 'leg work' before the action arrives, another good point for me to address. Delighted that you found the reversal effective. In relation to Clement, I think I was conscious of how unpleasant everyone was, and trying to give the reader a different tone, but it is short and I agree it doesn't add. He features immediately at the start of the last part, but that doesn't mean that his pov bit is right.

All good and very useful, plenty to work with when I re-write this, which I will at some point, but perhaps not until the other parts are finished. I will definitely take all of this on board, and your comments on the other parts, which are all very helpful. Overall, I take a lot of encouragement from what's been said, and that the character is interesting (if perhaps a bit overblown in this, the first part that I wrote), but I can tone some of that down, and trim the introspection and plodding, as suggested. Thank you again.

The final part of this story.

Thank you for those comments, I am very heartened that you found the transformation effective. I will fix those other passages. No foreshadowing of the supernatural element needs to be addressed for sure. I fired a pistol that no-one knew was there! My biggest concern was the gamble of making Blacklake so unlikeable, so it is very encouraging to hear that you still found him interesting. As it sits at the moment, this is Part 2 of a 6 story series, which in practical terms would probably be better presented as a trilogy. You don't get Blacklake's origin story until Part 4, which in some ways seems too late, although it does mean that you get the chance to develop a healthy dislike for him before learning why he is the way he is. That part (The Mathematical Bridge) was my NaNoWriMo last year, so I might submit it down the line sometime. All round very helpful, as ever, and much appreciated.

If there is a slot left when we get to Sunday night, I'd love to submit the last part of Tontine Inn.

I note from what other's have said that you are not writing in your first language, so what you have achieved is quite something, then again, as another said, you will be judged by the standard you are aiming at, so I've commented accordingly. At the end of page one, I am engaged. The writing style is good. Just enough description to paint the picture, but moving quickly, giving me enough background to hold my interest and explain what’s happening. As other's have said, it’s not an unusual set-up, we’ve seen it before frequently on screen and in fiction, but if the style is good enough then I have no problem with the theme at all. So far, I have a clear image, a tense situation, the right amount of background and the urge to keep reading. One observation though, we’ve got black soot and a mistbarrel – in the back of my head I'm wondering if this is Mistborn FanFic. The word ‘seeker’ instantly makes me think of Harry Potter and Quidditch, I wonder if there’s another title that could be used for what he does? Same for me, Steamtown seems very ‘on the nose’ as a place name given that it is a Steampunk story. I would suggest something a bit less direct, although as a I read on I think that this is aimed at YA? ‘...between a rock and a hard place...’ cliché 'Henley turn [turned] and started walking towards the door. As he opened the door he turned and looked back...’ There is turn x2 and door x2 very close together, sounds clumsy. Lack of comma use in general. Good section here, I like the way you casually reveal that he is an elf, and that there are merfolk (however again very like Harry Potter). The section with the dog is quite cute, but it took me out of the story. We’ve just gained some momentum from the initial scene of Henley’s visit, but the tension is suddenly dissipated. I would have thought Treeborn (a very literal name for an elf) would be bursting to look in the envelope or, if he doesn’t want to, then we should hear about his trepidation / reluctance. ‘...to fetch the envelope that Henley had left me on the night stand and see what this was all about. So after fetching the envelope I got a cup of tea and some toasted bread from...’ The repetition is really unnecessary. And ‘toasted bread’ is toast, surely! ‘...time is always crucial in missing person cases and[,] going by the papers I had gotten[,] enough time had already been wasted.’ I think it would be worth looking at comma use which is something I think is important. It stood out for me in various places up to this point, but none more so than the second example in this sentence, where it is harder to read without the natural pause that the comma gives you, also separating out different phrases, in this case the qualification about the papers. The description section on Page 7 has an awful lot of streets and pipes and seeping, it sounds a bit cluttered. ‘She used to be a singer...’ Does he know she’s dead? If she’s still alive presumably, she is still a singer. ‘...the [F]estival of the [W]inds...’ Capitals because it’s a name ‘...when me and Ehrik...’ Ehrik and I, unless she is rather common of speech, which I don’t get from the rest of her dialogue ‘...have heard em.’ Surely she is properly spoken and would say ‘them’ ‘I know 'cause [because] I had...’ the rest of her speech is quite proper, I don’t think a contraction sounds right here. ‘when they where [were]...’ Good ending to Chapter 2, I'm definitely intrigued and want to find out what is happening, so looking forward to the future chapters. I found your style very readable and enjoyable, and I think that you write well; what really slowed me down were the frequent grammatical and spelling errors. Do you use MS Word, or equivalent? I really would recommend switching on spelling and grammar check. You don’t have to accept all the grammar suggestions, but it would make your writing tidier. If the simple errors had been fixed in these first two chapters I would have ripped through it really quickly, but as it was I found myself interrupted by these glitches. The subject itself seemed to me to be aimed at a younger audience. There’s nothing terribly dark, despite the fact that the protagonist was threatened with a weapon by a gangster, and a woman has disappeared. The noir style is enjoyable, but the feeling is more of a mystery than a thriller, so far anyway.