Robinski

Okay, boss, let's say 'some time in June'.

Good chapters. I would have liked a bit more description of the city, but I've still got a picture in my mind, even if it's quite generic. I like the introduction of Pascal and Oscar's reaction to her. Also, I am enjoying the 'secret' messages that Oz is getting on his pings, and the fact that he's loaded, which is at odds with Pascal's situation. It's always effective (I think) when the reader shares a secret with the m/c like that nobody else knows. I am looking forward to reactions when that comes out, and hope that it's used to maximum effect. What did not work so well for me was the dialogue with Pascal after Oz's encounter with the streetwalker. I found it disjointed and rather unclear. I think you could more clearly show what effect the enzyme has on the female body. Nice end to the chapter. Looking forward to the next submission. <R> ------------------------------- How does 'the black anvil sail(s) away on a distant tide'? I don't know what that's describing - seems confused. Certainly a mixed metaphor! "beneath the tear-bright sky" - I think this should be hyphenated. "I have the vaguest of memories of Eleanor mentioning a Brick" - I don't, but it might be WRS, still, perhaps consider a more complete reminder? Or not - maybe I should remember. Also, where did the van come from? Yes, it's WRS, and I did miss a week. Love the description of the golf cart, btw, but not exactly sure of the blocking. "It takes me a full minute to process what's she's said" - Really? That's a long time. Is he really that sheltered? I challenge your 60 seconds and suggest 10.

The water is going... uphill?! No, I did not get that, or the 'unnatural' propulsion, but the flow is still contained by natural materials, or maybe it's not. Anyway, I'll let it go! You're going to review, after all. My work here is done Love your pitch. I think you've captured her narcissism very well.

Your suggestion about him spotted in the distance sounds ideal to me. Hey, you know I had forgotten about his old 'habit' of thinking everything. Good job kicking that! For the avoidance of doubt, I do enjoy your stuff. I always feel I'm in that rugged, icy, winter 'wilderness' sort of setting. I'm always able to imagine/picture a real atmosphere.

Erm, well my last week in Canada and first week home were pretty much write offs (not in a good way!), but at least I'm back critiquing. I'm hoping to catch up on that then finish my first edit of Hold The Bridge. Then, I'm going to do a fast edit of it, meaning a quick read-through for flow. Then I'll submit it. Probably November ;op

"Yussssssss!!! Gee's a swatch at that, big man!" (As is sometimes heard to be said in Glasgow. Rougly translated - 'I am very much looking forward to reading a new story in the Dissolutionverse.').

Fair comment, but your description does not convey that it's the roar of water filling a lock. At the distance that Lissa is away from the lock, I'm not at all convinced she would hear a roar, unless it was a distant one, and therefore rather faint. Locks are filled (generally) by fairly small sluices. Not enough to produce a roar, in my view, unless we're talking the Panama Canal!! Why should you pay any attention to my opinion on this matter? A reasonable question to ask. I am a Civil Engineer of almost (not quite!) 30 years experience and completed my degree diseration on water engineering and hydraulic related issues. As Krystalynn says, I do know a reasonably amount about this stuff.

Lol - Kaisa, are you familiar with the phrase 'glutton for punishment'? Sorry, Kam, I couldn't resist than one ;o)

I was disappointed by this submission - I expected better of certain key element. Several events were obvious or not effectively delivered, I thought. Kang’s escaping the guards on his fake leg was unconvincing and the reveal of the assassin was, if I'm harsh, rather clumsy. I know that Aspik doesn’t know that Kang has spoken to Lumi, but if he’s that badly wounded, why is he receiving people? Why would he pull a blind when it’s so hard for him? Just to reveal that he’s the assassin seems to be the answer. I think you need to trust that reader to see the signs of Aspik’s wound, and make their reveal much more subtle. Readers are much more observant than you give them credit for here. Suggestion: Personally, I would hide the first wince more, but let the reader detect it, and let Kang notice it. Then, he could ask Aspik to draw the blinds for them, that way Kang looks clever for drawing Aspik out and the blind is closed for a reason, rather than for the purposes of the plot. Just my 2 cents on the plot in this submission. The other thing I would comment on is that Kang’s addiction could be made more of. Maybe that will come later in the story, but I wonder if it might start to affect him more at critical times. Shaking, headaches? I don’t know how it manifests, but I don’t think it’s clear how he’s using the Essence of Fire at this point, or whether he’s only taking it to control his ‘symptoms’. I'm hoping the next submission is more convincing, but I'm still on board with the story. <R> --------------------------------------------------------- “vast open plains of the subglacial cavern” – How can a cavern have vast open plains? I don’t get it. ‘Vast plains’ sounds like mile after mile – all enclosed in a cavern?! Sounds impossible to me. “work out” – There are one or two modern expressions, which I always find stand out uncomfortably for me. I know there are different schools of thought on this, but I still believe these modern expressions take people out of the story. There are always more ‘period’ sensitive alternatives. Here for example, you could have used ‘exercise’ or ‘train’. “the vote will fail” – I can’t remember what they're voting for. Maybe it’s Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS), but maybe a short reminder here would be useful? “Might find out who forged it” – This kind of thing bothers me. It’s quite a common trope in detecting stories, searching out the origin of some piece of evidence. That dagger could have been in the killer’s family for decades, and he could have come from thousands of miles away. The chances of some smith in town being able to tag it are (or should be) tiny. How does Kang evade the guards when he slides down the rope? They have two legs, but he just hobbles away from them? Not convinced by that at all. Back to the dagger – why would any assassin trying to protect his identity use a weapon that marked out his place of origin? Not a very good assassin, unlessssss, it’s a ploy by someone else to direct attention towards another country. Hmm, okay, I hope it’s the latter, because otherwise it’s a Drakkon, it’s bit too easy. “I simile” – ROFL Sorry, but it’s like a writer springing into action. “The beast came forward, growling, unscathed by my hail of metaphors.” “Did you figure out how the assassin disappeared from the privy?” – I'm confused around here and following paragraphs who is speaking. I think a dialogue tag is required. I was confused when there are suddenly two guards in front of them. I got no sense that they were walking anywhere. Also, it’s not far away from where they met. “Rakella’s elbow digs into my ribs. “You’re a knight remember.”” – I don’t think you need this. All you need is Kang starting to speak then correcting himself after her nudge. It’s more subtle, slicker – I think. “Just the hidden blade then please” – This is a really overused trope (there must be another word for that). How many times have we seen and read it? Man is searched but has a hidden weapon. I think if you're going to use that it needs to be delivered way better. What is it supposed to tell us? “He pulls aside the heavy fur door covering and lets out a wince” – This seems to be a clear indication that he is wounded and it therefore the assassin. If it’s true, or if it’s misdirection on your part to make us think that, either way it’s still too obvious a sign. I think it should be disguised more. “Aspik winces and pulls down the hem of his emerald tunic as he reaches for the hanging above the second window. A dark red spot peeks out the bottom of his black vest.” – Really? I find this ‘reveal’ really unsubtle. Kang should have noticed the first wince if he’s even remotely observant. “He…he killed himself” – This does not need saying. The reader has just observed it. I think she should say something else. She’s not that dense, surely. It’s an opportunity to deliver some other line that adds something to the scene, rather than this nothing statement.

Great to read something from your, Neon, as it’s been quite a while, February 2014 according to my extensive records So, I enjoyed this to some extent, more so after I got further into it. I like the tone, and I thought you did a good job of conveying a family ‘down on its luck’, so to speak. The rather shabby nature of their lives came across for me quite well – again, once further into the submission. There were some notes that sounded off to me, and hopefully I have detailed those sufficiently below, however my main concerns were as follows. (1) too much detail at the start which threatened to lose me in the first couple of paragraphs instead of engaging me with the character, and (2) the main character being rather selfish and not especially endearing within the submission but, to be honest, I don’t mind that. I'm willing to accept that if it’s well written, and I think your story is that, with some tidying up. In summary, I'm on board and looking forward to seeing where it goes, although not head-over-heels just yet. <R> p.s. On your questions, I would answer as follows: Were you particularly confused by anything? – The opening, too much info to retain or properly understand. What did you think of Lasila? – Slightly annoying, but with reason to be bitter, I suppose. How about Varinen? – Rather spineless when it comes to his sister, which detracted from my impression of him as an important senate guard given a special duty. Transition to Varinen? – No problem for me. --------------------------------------------------------------- Good first line, I'm engaged straight away to find out what is going on. As I read on, she almost instantly dismisses the death of the goddess for some time, and never really puts it into context. “A bit of water sloshed onto her feet, but most of it stayed put” – unnecessary. “and she was old enough now” – but you don’t explain how old. At this point, she could be 15 or 35, or whatever. I'm feeling quite disoriented after the first two paragraphs. There is a lot of information in there, but not in a good way, I think. I don’t know enough to be able to put it in context. For me, it’s too much too soon. Also, it sounds like she moves in quite elevated circles, so what the heck is she doing carrying buckets? Later, you mention “how far the family had fallen” – I could have done with that much sooner. “burning some of the ugliest furniture just to keep warm” – If you have to burn furniture, I would imagine that practicality is the most important thing. Let’s say you have ten chairs and one table. You don’t burn the table because it’s uglier than the chairs. You have to have a table, you don’t need 10 chairs!! “one of the great canals that spiraled upward through the city. It was still in use, by the sound, but the constant roar she remembered from her childhood” – Canals don’t roar, by definition, in canals the water is essentially static and the vessels require an independent source of propulsion. If water is flowing, these are aqueducts. Even then, they are not well designed. Roaring water implies large amounts of energy, which results in big problems for the designers, water with big energy imposes massive loads on structures carrying it. Bad design. “The last time the goddess had died was just before Lasila had been born” – For such a rare occurrence she seems particularly unmoved by it. It’s an inconvenience to her, nothing more, judging from her reaction. “There was half a taenosil that should be used up before it went off” – What is this? Animal, vegetable? You describe the garnish, but I don’t know what is being cooked. I think this is indicative of the main problem I'm having. Lots of information is thrown out, but there is little explanation, so I'm left with many questions as facts and remarks fly past. I'm not convinced by her taking a random book. Anyone interested in reading is going to choose a book before they sit down. I would accept this if she sat down and found the book on the table, but her actions tell me she does not actually care for reading. “There was, however, a very great deal of poetry devoted to the author's sword. She was fairly certain it was not a metaphor.” – I think you mean metaphorical. I don’t see how a collection of poetry can be a single metaphor. “She piled up the taenosil meat on top of thick slices of the last of the bread, and used a good slosh of water and oil to make a quick sauce, which she poured on top” – I’d like to see the reference to ‘meat’ at the first mention of ‘taenosil’. Also, that bread is going to be really mushy by the time her brother gets home. Wouldn’t she be more likely to wait until he was back before dishing the food? “but it was just more dusting that neither she nor Varinen really cared to bother with more often than they had to” – really awkward wording. “She rose, wings flexing with irritation” – Huh? Since when has she had wings? “She cleared her throat twice and said, projecting from the bottom of her stomach” – People don’t actually do this when they shout, they just shout, seems unnecessary and distracting. “at least if you weren't familiar enough with both of them” – awkward wording, and referring to ‘you’ feels like breaking the 4th wall in a rather strange way. “and she'd never been blessed with a lack of confidence in her looks” – I skipped past this after failing to work out what it meant on the first pass. “It seemed almost an insult that the trends of the moment had gone in a direction that was literally impossible for her” – Wow, she is really shallow. “At least the bread had thoroughly soaked up the sauce and juices during the wait” – That bread must have been hard as a rock originally, based on the time span – I think. “There's are not enough hours in the day” – grammar. “Is there anything at all I can do?” – He is really weak with his sister – not an attractive quality, and her poor reception of his news makes her look selfish, which is maybe what you were looking for. “'Fine' seemed like a terrible ideal.” – Did you mean ‘idea’? Even if so, it’s not a great last line, imho.

Lol - MRK meets Herman Wouk! (Btw - If you don't know who Herman Wouk is, Wiki him. 101 years old and published his last book in January 2016 at the age of 100.)

I concur. I must admit I wasn't comment on a line-by-line basis. That wall of text due to the single line formatting is quite off-putting to the eye. Also, I'm trying to catch up two weeks here!!

Welcome Arne, great to have you onboard. I'm looking forward to reading some of your stuff. In fact, I see there's a link on your email... ...I read the first one and it definitely didn't stink. I look forward to reading your first submission

Okay, but I really should put it up on the Entertainment forum so that all can participate. We at RE are a happy band, but small.

Huh? /k, do I look like I need more stuff to do? And is there a particular reason that I have been chosen for this mission?

Summary below, straight into the inline comments. I'm not going to comment on the grammar. I laughed when I saw your explanation of the ‘G’ rating, but really, do you not read through submissions before you put them up? What is your strategy for correcting it, because grammar issues are rife through the whole text? “examining the great tabard depicting the exile of the gods” – Okay, I had to bite on this one, since we had a whole tabard conversation a couple of weeks ago. I guess you mean tableau, or possibly even tapestry. The opening of the dialogue between Kang and Rakella sounds like two young teenagers who’ve been raised on bad soap operas. It steers away from it a bit after the first two clichés, but thereafter there is a deluge of dialogue with barely any space for breath as different characters come and go. I thought that was a real pacing issue. There is a lot of description, which is good up to a point, but there are a couple of places where it feels odd, and that I am reading only description and nothing else. (Krystalynn makes a good point about the eyes – I think maybe you get away with one of those). Overall, I quite like being in Kang’s company again, possibly just because of the familiarity after going through Essence of Fire with him. There are good aspects and less good ones. I like the set up of an unknown murderer. There are some details that feel odd, and certain turns of phrase sound out of place because of their modernity, I think. The big issue of course is the lack of correction in the submission, which makes it hard to read, for me anyway.

Hey /k, no, this is FIL, GFIL was a big Zane Grey fan, and Agatha Christie - I think. But don't write FIL off, he was a Fellow of the British Interplanetary Society, regularly attended the Space Studies Institute conference at Princeton, including giving papers on medicine in space, and wrote over 750,000 words of SF of his own. He had planned an SF series of stories and novels that ran to 32 entries, although 'only' wrote about 10 of them. FIL and GFIL went on a trip to South America in the 90's for a total solar eclipse on which FIL met Poul Anderson, who he stayed acquainted with and visited in California. (* FIL = father-in-law, GFIL = grandfather-in-law) Sorry King - this is off-topic.

Yeah, King.You said you were going to replace 'rotten' with g/d, but I would reconsider that. You've already used g/d several times. It may be your new favourite word, but overuse is going to tick off any reader once it gets to a certain level. Also, f-bombs are crude, but they refer to a natural, biological function - which is one thing, however g/d is touching on a religious nerve which is likely to be more sensitive for a fair proportion of readers. (My favourite word for today is 'syzygy' - I've been combing through my late father-in-law's SFF book collection, which covers the two long walls of his study. Both Michael G. Coney and Frederick Pohl have written books with this title. There are others too, I believe.)

Good to have you back submitting. I'm interested to see how your style has developed since the last time, which was February – not all that long ago actually. Summary at the end. “One minute I’m in bed, and the other next I’m waking up” “it just goes ape rust” – I think this phrase means angry, rather than crazy. “What, with all those blood sucking bugs and crazy predators roaming around?” – I think you need the comma after ‘what’ to make this a question rather than a statement. “I’m wearing some sporting clothes or whatever” – This doesn’t add anything, for me, I think it can be deleted. “I guess if whoever they were, had the nerve of taking to take me” – grammar. “You obey us. Else, we keel you.” – Rofl – Mexican bandits, maybe Colombian? I love it. “repeating this for like a million times” “this other guy calming him up down” “You’re now a part of an human experiment we’re conducting” – This troubled me a bit. It suggests that either they are not human, or they conduct other experiments on beings that are non-human. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t see that someone would include this word. To them, it’s just an experiment, I would have thought. “We’re an evil organization seeking to control the world” – Rofl, excellent! “I can’t even. Just kill me already.” – Can’t even what? Not a complete sentence. “I think you will have more pressing stuff to worry about than that” – This word doesn’t sit well in the sentence. The evil guy’s grammar is quite precise, but this word is kind of lazy. ‘things’ would be more consistent with his grammatical tone – I think. “This can’t be happening right now” – This sort of implies there is a better time for it to happen – which seems an odd thing to say. “and this rotten back pain” – Where did this come from? Is this the medical condition he’s supposed to have? I don’t recall this from before; I think it needs to be foreshadowed before this point if it’s something that Mark suffers from habitually. ---------------------------- Summary: I enjoyed this a good deal. I'm comfortable saying that it’s the best story (part of) that I’ve read from you and I think you're writing is the cleanest that I’ve read from you. Okay, there are some word choices and a couple of grammar things that are snaggy, but I think that overall it is quite clean. I think it flows well, I believe the m/c’s reactions. The evil baddies were especially effective. Jorge is maybe a bit of a caricature, but I think you can get away with that, because you are not overly derogatory to him. The matter-of-fact evil genius delivering the plot in that rather tired way worked well, I got a good laugh from that. I think perhaps some of the swears are unnecessary, but I don’t mind them being there, I just felt there were a couple that sound awkward. Good job, keen to read more and see what happens! <R>

So, this time, I'm going to try and read through with a light touch on the grammar and not get into the amount of detail I usually do. Take it as read that there are grammar things that bugged my but I didn’t stop to highlight them, just kept going to try and get the full effect. Okay, after the first section and lots of phrasing, word choice and grammar issues that I'm trying to block out, the writing certainly has the same tone as Chapters 1 and 3. The thing that slaps me in the face like a wet mackerel is that, although these are completely different characters, the dynamic between them is almost exactly like that between Ellora and Jakob; weird girl child with armour meets older, more experienced fighter and they have strange banter together in a traumatic situation. I’d also say that, in both cases, the girl’s dialogue is more sophisticated than it should be, certainly the 8 year-olds, although I suppose she is not an ordinary 8 year old. I really struggle to see how you meld these two threads together, but I feel like you are writing the same character dynamics all over again as in Twin Moon and Chapters 1 and 3. There is some good stuff too. I quite like the idea here, there’s some good humour, like when she says ‘eight’ when he says she’s seven, but these feel like two different (but with distinctly similar dynamics) novels. One comment on the detail is that the pov seems to shift about quite a bit, which is a bit disorienting. Okay – second point of detail from me – he has to wash the stew bowls and pot, they are not clean and will end up infecting him with mould spores or some such. Having finished, another thing that stands out for me is the powers, which seem a bit loose in their application. Child’s ability to change fate is immensely powerful, and yet I'm not convinced it’s being applied consistently. It seems that she can essentially do anything she wants, the limits are not defined and that makes it hard to accept. To summarise, I would have stopped reading by now if I had bought or borrowed this book. For me personally, there is too much in the set-up, style and the dialogue that I'm not keen on. I think there is an interesting story in there, but I believe it needs a thorough overhaul, including the characters – in particular including characters that are not essentially the same as each other. <R>

Lol - that sounds like fun - where do I sign up?

So, I finished reading Roamwald at the end of April and said I would ruminate a bit on the story before posting in this thread (no spoilers, of course). My first reaction was that I very much enjoyed the story. I thought it steered away from the worst of the clichés that I was somewhat afeared of at certain points. I thought the two main characters were engaging, and also complementary, which worked well, making their POV sections distinctive. I found the supporting players unremarkable, but still solid and just well-drawn enough to be recognisable without being especially engaging - although Granny Jane is probably the exception to that, and Uncle Leon almost, although he didn't get a lot of screen time. I felt that I could picture the setting well enough, although there wasn't all that much description, but given that it was a cottage in the woods; a town by a river; a cave in the mountains, etc. it was easy enough to imagine these places with the amount of description that was given. I found the pacing very good. I always felt that the story was progressing and that there was something interesting happening. I never felt my attention wandering. Tension also was steadily increased, and I felt at times that I didn't know what was going to happen in certain scenes, which was good. The end, for me, was satisfying. I thought that promises were kept. There were some mechanical issues in an area close to my engineering specialism, so I commented on those in some detail (and at considerable length, sorry Krystalynn!) - however those did not spoil my enjoyment of the story, and can of course be adjusted in the edit. All round, it was an enjoyable and satisfying read. The concepts at play were by no means complex, but basic human challenges. Nonetheless, they were handled well and the writing was very good, both enjoyable and easy to read - I never felt that I was toiling at any point. Thank you for the sneak preview, Krystalynn. I'll try to keep pasting my comments into the weekly threads to prompt / contribute to the debate, although I guess others may be getting a version that is slightly newer than what I have read. Gosh darn it, I'll need to read the final draft again before you submit it - which I hope you will, because I think this well told story could find a readership quite easily.

Soooo, for Monday 16th we have the following requests: - Kammererite; - Krystalynn; - Shadowfax; - Aeromancer; and - King007 That makes five (I've run out of fingers! - on my counting hand, anyway.) The drill as I understand it is that a new submitter would trump (pardon me) someone who has been submitting a lot. The thing is, I believe Silk gets PMs from new submitters to request a spot, but obviously I won't see those. Soooo, if you are a new submitter and reading this, you could post up here. The problem will be that I can't add you to the circulation list for '[email protected]', so we're going to have a bit of a technical issue until Silk returns. Sorry! (Hey Silk, you okay? Hope things are okay.)

Hmm, better tags for the scribe's viewpoint. I was surprised that they would debate this for hours. The queen's decision felt like one made on the instant, a panicked reaction a few minutes after hearing this terrifying proclamation. Maybe that's just me.