Robinski

Lol. There are 5 each in the novel, novella and novelette categories. Neal Stephenson has included his entire novel Seven Eyes, the others are excerpts. The novellas (including a Brandon Sanderson) and the Novelettes (including a Steven King) are complete. There seem only to be 4 shorts stories, but one of the nominees may have chosen not to include their nominated piece in the pack. The other categories are Related Work; Graphic Story (BIIIG Zip file!!!); Professional Editor; Pro Artist; Semiprozine; Fanzine; Fancast; Fan Writer; Fan Artist and John W. Campbell Award. I have my work cut out here!!

I joined Worldcon as a non-attending member, which entitles me to vote for the Hugo Awards. I can sign in and download all the 'materials' in the Voting Pack. This includes all the short stories, novellas, novelettes, novels, artwork, etc. that are nominated for awards. In other words I have a lot of reading to do before the end of July!!!

Just started downloading my Hugo voting pack. #feelinggrownup Thought I would start reading the first short story. This turned out to be a bad idea when editing one of your own. Man, they are good :-/ #feelingsmall #stiffupperlip #beaman #bichok #amediting

That's outrageous, so sorry to hear that. I can only hope that bad karma will follow the perpetrators for the rest of their lives. Thanks for acknowledging the comments when it must be the furthest thing from your mind at the moment, and don't be too harsh on your story. I don't think you need to start over personally. Everyone needs to edit, it doesn't mean issues are fatal.

Got it, thank you! I have learned a lot already and I haven't even pitched yet

...that was 'V' for voyeurism btw.

Possibly on a different forum from this one, one that has a 'V rating...

I have no problem that she's good with numbers but not forceful or shrewd enough to negotiate with traders. I thought that the main criticism (and forgive me if I'm restating the obvious) was that she is intelligent enough to know her limitations and not to exceed her abilities. I will rest on the fact however that her actions reduced their losses by 80% (20 instead of 25), so it's Prot's analysis that she barely exceed what they would have got if the spices were dumped that seems uncharacteristically off-base to me for a shrewd operator like he is supposed to be.

Okay, the more I think about this, the more I want to try something, just for the experience. So, I decided to write a 'Twitch' (see what I did there?) for Hold the Bridge. Here's what I came up with: #PitMad-F Hold the Bridge The last thing Harth expected was to wake. A soldier robbed of peace by a god from whom he must earn deliverance. (1) I'd be really interested to hear any thoughts on this. To be honest, I'm slightly intimidated by the audience over at Pitmad. Don't shoot me for saying this, but looking at the posts for Pitmad, I suspect that the audience is not in what is likely to be my core demographic for a story like HtB.

I just never feel like I've got anything ready, or that anything that I'd be willing to submit was publishable. I see Pitmad's requirements include 'polished', so that's enough to put me off. Also, good advice in the guidance to lead with what makes your story unique, but I just don't feel that anything I've written is unique. How many of us can says that? After I finished Waifs and Strays Draft 1 (about December), I set myself the goal of writing and submitting shorts, but I'm not there yet. Helpfully, Pitmad runs 4 times a year, so I'll catch it net time - promise. But, Kaisa, really appreciate you putting this post up, I think we all need this kind of boost and targets to aim for to take things forward - thank you!

Cool, it's a beautiful part of the world. I've been to Creston 10 or 12 times over the years - from duty in a sense, but I'm fine with that, love it there. Why did they go and put Canada so far away though?

Yes, absolutely right of course. This was a winning combination of me not reading just reference properly and then misspeaking into the bargain.

Special requests: -Does the conversation flow naturally? - Not really. I found him annoyingly pushy and her annoyingly arrogant, and I don't believe real people talk that way, even though it does flow pretty smoothly, I just didn't think it was especially natural. -Is there too much/too little description? - Yes, I thought it was heavy on the info dump in places. I can see the attempt to disguise it as a conversation.

I was very interested to see how the story proper opened after your prologue. Here is my answer! So, on with the critique. Detailed comments below in my normal fashion. I have not picked out much on the grammar front because there is too much to contend with in the way of run-on sentences, punctuation and some wording, etc. That can all be corrected in the future, so I've tried to concentrate on story and character. You throw around many terms at the beginning, like lictor, quaestor, etc. I don't know what any of these mean, but you assume that I do, so I'm still none the wiser. Also, the two fall into a very intense dialogue straight away, which felt odd to start with, but I'll run with it for now. Also, his repartee was rather cliched, I thought. In summary, I thought the pacing clipped along and, if I blocked out the grammar issued I could read through smoothly. I think you've set up a decent conflict with her tutor, and a sort of conflict with her suitor. I don't yet have a character to root for, as they are none of them likeable as yet, to me anyway, but I'm happy enough to keep reading as I am being entertained thus far. <R> ---------------------------------------- "but romance was a part of Laurea’s plans" - Did you mean was not in her plans? It sounds like that from the context. "legal Academy" - this is my favourite hobby horse at the moment. You can't capitalise one of thee, it both or neither. If you are not referring to a single named one, it should be legal academy. If it was the Harvard Legal Academy then it's a single named example and should be caps. "If he’d asked whether she would like a guide, Laurea might have accepted, but to acknowledge needing one was not in her nature" - I like this sort of attention to detail and she certainly has ably demonstrated how stubborn she is. To be honest, I find Laurea annoying and rather presumptuous so far, and I'm hoping that soon she encounters some situation to show her the value of humility. "This dandy was the almost legendary quaestor she’d decided to model her ambitions on?" - Excellent, in almost the next line her confidence is shaken by this surprise. I like you've set up what seems to be a conflict of sorts here really early on. Again, I don't really know what this term fibula refers to, I don't think it was clearly explained when first mentioned. "in less than the time needed to cough thrice" - this is a weird and awkward phrase. "Merciful Dhé, you’re a prideful one" - I agree, and it's not an endearing quality, but maybe that's what you're going for, of course. "bringing in a person accused of harassment and yelling at them to find out whether there was any truth to the claim" - Really, this is their method? Or is this just what Laurea in her naïveté things quaestors do? "She didn’t see his concern at seeing the pale shadow of the fiery young woman he had flirted with earlier" - I don't really get the impression that she is a pale imitation, only slightly deflated. "She would get the salting credit for doing it" - what does 'salting' mean in this context? It sound like it's being used as a 'cuss' word.

Alas, Mandamon, I remember the days when we used to agree on everything, but you've got a new critique buddy now... ;op As those who have read my earlier work (Rutland Blacklake - that's you, Man!) know, I'm always up for some minutiae! I'll champion this brave new genre of spreadsheet fiction!!

Having got into the story now, I was looking forward to this submission, and I was not disappointed. It’s not brimming with rip-roaring action, tension and suspense (yet) and I like that change of pace. I like that we’re not dealing with the fate of the world in this story (yet, anyway), but the things at stake are making a viable living, retaining family status, passing exams – these are real things and no less important in the context of one person. I'm enjoying this. One point, I'm starting to struggle with Varinen’s demeanour. Maybe he’s just this way around Lasila, but he’s very timid. I can’t imagine him being very effective as a bodyguard. Also, he doesn’t seem very bright. It could have been worse, he could have got her a dog, which would need more feed, but the kitten will still need to be fed, because it hasn’t learned to hunt – at least it won’t eat all that much, but surely this is still a daft thing for him to do. As I not scrutinise Varinen’s parts more closely, his tone of voice seems rather prissy – which you’ve given an explanation for in this submission, so I guess that’s consistent, but I'm now starting to question the picture of him that I have as a bodyguard. I'm not saying I disagree, I'm saying I would have like more about him earlier on, when he first appeared so that I don’t form the wrong impression. Still on board and looking forward to the next submission. <R> ----------------------------------------------------------- “I'm no more a Senator's son than you are” – When you are referring to a generic senator, I believe it should be small ‘s’, with capital ‘S’ reserved for when it’s the title of a particular senator. See, you do it here “contemplated the effigy of a woman a god had once loved.” “Oh, Lissa,” – This is the third instance of using an ‘oh’ or an ‘ah’ with the character’s name in addressing the other. Once I can live with, but people don’t really speak like this – it sounds completely melodramatic, in a bad way (for me). “But she had been possessed, by a terrible fire-demon, and once it had been purged of her, she repented of her wicked ways. The God himself-- not yet sleeping, of course-- had been impressed by the purity of her untarnished spirit, and brought her to sit by his side” – If she was possessed, then it was hardly her fault – so she didn’t actually have wicked ways, it was the possession. I find this description confused. “The priest bent forward at her just slightly, head lowering just so” – awkward wording. “It was patently untrue” – Maybe she is overstating it, but she made a comment earlier to Varinen to something like this effect, that she didn’t want him to go, so is this not partly true? “Stay strong, sweet thing” – This sounds a bit too much like ‘sweet thang’ to me, it seemed an odd phrase for a priest to use, even though I'm sure it was genuinely meant. “she felt confident managing on her own” – Why, what changed in those few minutes? “pallid little wisp” – Awesome phrase – love it. “Does he at least talk about things besides swords?” – lol. “I suppose that would have been a deal-breaker” – modern expression, breaks my immersion in the setting. “A senator's brother would be a bit much for such as you or I. Right now, anyway. You and he aren't...?” – I don’t understand what she’s saying here. How would it be a bit much? I see you are also revealing here where Varinen’s proclivities lie – fair enough – I think that worked quite well. It would have been better if it wasn’t sitting next to a comment that I don’t understand. “Tell me, do you think we have enough water to spare on another pot of tea?” – I just love this line. Lines like this, which are woven through the narrative, just cement the tone of the story for me, and do more than a paragraph of exposition to define Lissa’s character. “It was almost a relief to hear a precise honorific for once” – Here’s another one – this really appeals to my own rather fussy sense of, well.... everything! “Lasila was taken off-guard by the notion that the bank was putting women in charge of accounts” – lol, and she is totally sexist too, a nice wrinkle. “She'd find out soon enough, at any rate.” – I think I mentioned it last time. Phrases like these are totally superfluous, in my view, they just add word content and nothing else. ‘Bimonthly’ means twice per month. Why would there be two payments in the shorter months, would it not be the long months? I'm a bit puzzled by the economics of the situation. I thought Varinen’s assignment was quite prestigious, and yet he doesn’t seem to be getting paid a great deal. Presumably, he would be supported by the state on his travels, so doesn’t really need any money himself. Also, seems like she would have a much easier time if she just got a job. I know she has other priorities, and you do mention that she needs to take training in certain things, but presumably, if she worked in the bank for example, her training would be on-the-job. I’ll reserve judgement here, but I remain to be convinced of the economics of her situation. “Oh, bother,” – This line is weak, for me, and there is the appearance of ‘oh’ again, which sounds like something you would hear in a kids show twenty years ago. I think a more grown-up expression is called for. Even ‘bother’ on its own would be better. ‘Confound it’, ‘dash it all’, I don’t know. “The alternative would have been going to the bank with a pair of buckets, and she certainly couldn't let herself be seen like that.” – lol. “I'm not fool enough to argue with a cat.” – lol.

Wikipedia is a good starting point for this. ISBN stands for International Standard Book Number. Wiki says "ISBN issuance is country-specific, in that ISBNs are issued by the ISBN registration agency that is responsible for that country or territory regardless of the publication language. The ranges of ISBNs assigned to any particular country are based on the publishing profile of the country concerned, and so the ranges will vary depending on the number of books and the number, type, and size of publishers that are active. Some ISBN registration agencies are based in national libraries or within ministries of culture and thus may receive direct funding from government to support their services. In other cases, the ISBN registration service is provided by organisations such as bibliographic data providers that are not government funded. In Canada, ISBNs are issued at no cost with the stated purpose of encouraging Canadian culture. In the United Kingdom, United States, and some other countries, where the service is provided by non-government-funded organisations, the issuing of ISBNs requires payment of a fee."

I'm up and running straight out of the gate with the title. Escapade in Silence? Somehow ‘of’ bugged me. Anywho, I'm nicely engaged by the tension of the scene, and the bookkeeper’s emotions come across nicely, but the p.o.v. character is harder to pin down. I see that he’s nervous, but I'm not really getting as strong a sense of his character as I would like. Now I'm at the end of the first section and I'm engaged. You’ve played that lever trick of separating the group early on, for very good reason, but in that way that makes the reader think ‘Oh-oh. This situation could go south very quickly.’ With there being five characters, it’s hard to connect to them all or even picture them distinctly. My first big issue the economics around the spices. Their discussion when Amra sold them is way off for me. If they dump the spices they get nothing, so any money that she can make on that baseline is good, but they both accept his position that she has made a loss. She has, but she has massively reduced the loss that they would have made from dumping the spices, so she has rescued a much more dire situation. I really think you need to review that section. Second large issue is the timing. When Prot jumps down to speak to Amra when the cargo section appears, it feels like only minutes have passed from them arriving first at the warehouse. In fact it must be at least an hour, because she needs time to meet and trade off between two families then off load all the spices before travelling to the warehouse. But, when Prot jumps down, the boiler is still cooling. Also, surely the cargo unit is slower under its secondary power than the main unit, so that’s more time that Prot and the others have to kick their heels before Amra arrives. I think you need to show the passage of time with Prot and the others spent in waiting for Amra. These problems can of course be fixed, the third difficulty I have is that none of the others ask what the mysterious cargo is. I don’t buy that at all, I think it would be the first question out of their mouth. I think these are significant issues, and I significantly dislike use of the word ‘mafia’, but I still enjoyed the submission greatly. I'm very pleased to be back in the Dissolutionverse. Bring it on! <R> ------------------------------------------------------------------- “and, yes, war, between (among?) the ten species that make up our coalition of worlds” – I'm thinking ‘between’ sounds like they are all fighting, whereas among could be just a couple, which I thought was more what you intended. In fact, ‘wars among’ might be closer still. “down the length of the old cargo train from which we sold our goods” – I'm not quite picturing this. What I imagine when you use the word ‘train’ is an old fashioned train carriage, a la Murder on the Orient Express. Is that right? If so, they would be quite high up above the level of the street. Later, I see you mean wagon train (I think!), so I'm back to not quite grasping the blocking. “dryer that than most” “I was told it was the height of summer.” – lol. After the first page, I'm intrigued by the character’s willingness to blow a profit, but I'm not quite clear on what’s going happening or expected. He is awaiting a delivery from the Frente family, which he is then going go transport off-world? “to keep from getting caught up in the display” – This makes me think of their window display, but you mean caught up in the protest, I think. I feel there is a better word here. “But the Sureriaj were the most xenophobic, one of the least populous, and the slowest to reproduce” – The Sureriaj planet would be the least populous, but the race themselves would be the least numerous, would they not? I'm a bit puzzled why they have to dump the spices. Can they not just pack them up and leave? I would have thought a merchant would be more of spendthrift and look to win on both counts. So, there must be some reason that they cannot take the spices too, but I haven’t been provided with it. “but the profit’s bigger than anything we’ve sold in one day” – Sounds like one thing – is it rather ‘one day’s takings’? Another reason I might be hazy about the need to dump the spices is my lack of grasp of the size of their vehicle and how they are travelling. “and kept our little enterprise afloat, but she had no sense for a good deal. If I had let her run our little shop-on-wheels,” – Repetition. Back to the spice dumping thing, I count that there are five of them? That seems like a lot for one wagon. What do all the others do? Does it really take five of them to run this show? Do they in fact have more than one wagon? Will I ever stop asking questions? The wagon has a corridor?! There goes my perspective again; I'm back to considering a train carriage. “squidhead’s foot” – lol, but makes me think of Star Wars. “I said, without any real hope of that happening” – Phrasing, this kind of seems to mean without hope of no arguing happening. It feels like a double negative. “which lent a lot of weight to her words. Or at least a lot of violence” – It’s only potential violence, or the threat of violence, not actual violence that’s leant. “pronouncing her vowels thoroughly” – lol. “I had no problem with their odd pairing, unlike some others” – This sounds like he has problems with some other pairings. “I had used benefited from their skills more than once” – I think. “With such a large profit from this contract…” she began, looking wistful” – I'm confused here. Amra seems to have changed her tune, but he says ‘Don’t start’ as if she hasn’t. I see that resolves into a discussion about something else, but I feel she should say ‘Even if we made a large profit from this contract...’ “We have to be at a warehouse in the city” – This sounds like the first warehouse they come across. “and windblasted buildings flow buy by” “the Naiyul. It consisted of those Sureriaj from all families, large and small, who had been disowned” – Fantastic notion, even the disowned must belong to a family – a new family. “mafia groups” – this clashed for me. I feel there is too much history in fictional and factual baggage associated with the actual Mafia. When you drop this word, I instantly think of Robert de Niro and Ray Liota, spaghetti and Tommy guns. To be honest, I think it’s too easy to use the word ‘mafia’ as shorthand, when a more elegant description of organised crime would be more original. “purposefully misinterpreting” – purposely? “You might also remind me what assurance we have these goods will sell” – I think, before anyone asks this question, they reasonably would ask ‘What are the goods?’ It could well be contraband and the lack of information from Prot should be making them suspicious. I feel like you might be holding that back for a reveal, but it’s starting to feel unnatural. “to get her to do something” “The cargo section of my wagon rolled up a little while later” – I found this imprecise. How much later, half an hour? It feels it’s only minutes, but how can Amra have sold or tried to sell the spices in so short a time? In fact, “I was the last out of the main wagon, to a chorus of hisses and creaks from the cooling engine” – There’s something wrong here. There’s isn’t time for her to do the bargaining if the engine on the main unit is still cooling down, I think you need to tag the time better. Another thing, Prot is completely wrong. If they dump the spices they get... nothing, so giving her a hard time is completely wrong. She has also protected them from the risk of being fined or arrested from dumping the spices in the street somewhere.

I enjoyed this submission. It’s a bit slow in places, but I'm okay with it at this early stage, and matters are still progressing. I'm hoping that there will be some variation in pace, some faster sections to give contrast and excitement / tension / drama. I like elaborate language, but sometimes I feel that the phrasing is over-elaborate, and would flow much better if streamlined in some places. Complexity is fine, I think, but when there are excess words that don’t add anything in terms of style or meaning, then it’s time to get the shears out! I think you said this was a first draft, in which case it’s entirely normal of course for pruning to take place later – so I won’t harp on about it. Use of the word ‘unto’ did bother me though – too much, I think. I'm intrigued to see if Alisa can make her way in this rarefied world of political manoeuvring without resorting to deploying feminine wiles, if indeed she attempts to avoid this. I don’t think you can ignore that issue, because there are bound to be predators in such circles (as life proves only too well). Good job, I'm looking forward to the next submission. <R> ---------------------------------------- "With luck they would prove to be in better shape in that state of benign neglect than if they'd been living directly from the funds therein" - I find your style very readable and easy to enjoy. I think that, generally, it has maturity and depth, and a line like this illustrates that very well. 'Benign neglect' is an excellent phrase. "It was meant to home a full family" - I don't like 'home' used in this way. It is a verb, of course, in terms of homing pigeon, but it would be more correct to use 'house' as the verb in relation to a family. I think 'accommodate' would be a better word here. "not just because of feelings" - This phrase is rather basic, I would prefer something like 'not just for emotional reasons', which retains the more complex and mature tone of the writing, I think. "if it went on too long the damage would be unrecoverable" - This word struck me as odd. Why would one want to recover the damage. I feel that the word needed is 'irrevocable'. "It just seemed that if there was more water in general, it might be easier" - This thought seems blindingly obvious and therefore beneath her. I don't think it needs to be stated. "hide the damage picking them would take" - would do. “The question was, was she liable to run into anyone from those circles today?” – Awkward. “Things were still fairly quiet here” – This is a very imprecise word. I think you could do better, using a word that is more descriptive. “Lasila picked up the pace as she drew near them” – Another modern phrase. I would appeal to you to use something more in keeping with the overall tone. “walking back as quickly as she could without sacrificing dignity” – This sounds like she’s returning home, unless she’s walking backwards, which doesn’t seem likely. “When she got more onto a main thoroughfare” – Another awkward phrase. “market stands turning a brisk business” “two austerely-dressed men” – You said earlier that everyone was a ‘sister under the light’ – I thought at that point that perhaps only females were permitted to enter the goddess’s temple. Presumably, men are brothers under the light? “it was a relief on her back to sit” – When did she hurt or strain her back this morning? “the tip was open, allowing sunlight to fall shining through” – By definition, that is going to be a small aperture at the top of the spire. The amount of time during the day that any decent amount of light is going to come through that makes me think the interim would be quite dim. There’s a perfect example of this in the Pantheon in Rome which has an oculus (I think). It’s about 40 feet up at the centre of the Pantheon’s dome. My hesitation is that a spire would be much higher up, maybe double the height or more if it pierces the sky, therefore the amount of light admitted could be significantly less. I'm struggling to picture a harsh light shining on the alter unless the sun was in the precise single position overhead that would shine directly on the altar. That might happen only once a year. “Her small bouquet of flowers felt small and sad in her hand. Hanging above the altar... there hung the shell of what had once been a goddess.” – Awkward wording here due to two instances of repetition. “than much many of the other floral offerings” “Instead, the priestess pressed one hand to the small of her back” – Instead of what? “To adorn beauty so simply” – The use of adorn here trips me up. To me, it’s a positive action, not a passive word, as used here. I don’t think it’s the right word. She might wear beauty so simply, or be adorned by beauty. “there was somewhat something in her voice” “The priestess must have gotten her name from the attendants” – But she seemed aware that the chimes were transmitting the words spoken into them; why would this be puzzling? “rubbing the sweat that beaded on the side of the glass” – Beads on the side of the glass will be condensation, caused by water vapour in the warm air condensing on the colder surface of the glass – unless you mean that it is sweat from Alisa’s hand, in which case, I still don’t think it would be beading on the glass. “to attend such an event would poise her higher than she had ever dreamed” – position, I think, poise being a noun. “Then I shall commend unto you the name of a seamstress” – I enjoy elaborate language, but your frequent use of ‘unto’ is bothering me. I think it’s too much. It might be the sort of archaic language used in formal scripture, but its use in everyday conversation is over the top, I think. “enmasked” – this is not a word.

I think we've had this conversation before - aren't you in Fernie or some equally exotic place? Yes, we did get some r'n'r in during our time there, but it's also relaxing in a way to be home and back into the old routine. Thanks for you kind thoughts.

Yeah, that works well too. Mandamon and I were in an online writing group that used Google Docs and it operated very well. I thought the in-line comment bubbles / discussion were better than Word, actually, now that you remind me of it.

Agreed. And you know you can change the colour of the tracked changes to a more sensitive and caring green, if you want to. I remember reading an article a few years backs about teachers using green pen instead of red to avoid psychological damage to tender young minds. Bah, toughen them up, is what I say.

Creston, BC. My in-laws have lived there since 1970 (before they were my in-laws!!). Sadly, my father in-law died, so wife and I were there for the memorial and to help out with estate stuff. It was a 4 weeks trip, which was great, but for a sad reason. Creston is typical small town Canada - big fruit growing region in wide valley between the Selkirks and the Purcells - only 6 miles from Idaho border.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, Eagle. I've seen you around the forums, but it's great that you've stepped in here to start submitting. I always think there must be many more budding authors on 17th Shard who never look this way for one reason or another... Anyway, I digress, sorry, on with the critique! I enjoyed the set up, but the writing could certainly do with some polishing, for me. There are quite a few run-on sentences which, I think it’s clear, should be broken into two. The description is rather wordy in places, and I became a bit frustrated by that when I really wanted to get on with following events. You might consider boiling the description down a bit and editing the text for better flow by taking the word-count down, which can be done quite easily without losing meaning. I’ll put this detail up here instead of below the line because I'm interested in any thoughts others have on this. “messing with people” – This is a modern phrase. There are two schools of thought about this. I am in Dan’s camp (if I recall the old Writing Excuses cast correctly) that such phrases damage the reader’s immersion in the story because they are out of context. I think Brandon was of the view that you can use such phrases because they are part of modern parlance, but the problem is, they are not part of everyone’s parlance. Also, there is always a better alternative using more setting-appropriate language. Lastly, the phrase ‘messing with people’ doesn’t convey anything what Clupean has done. To sum up, I liked this as an introduction to the setting, although the details are sparse, but it’s a prologue, so that’s fine. The main character (of the prologue) doesn’t come over as having much character at all, but maybe he is not the protagonist, so I'm treating him as disposable for the moment. I would not say I'm beside myself to read more because, although I have some questions like wondering about the priestess, and what Clupean might have done, I don’t feel any connection to any grand theme or plot thread in the story. For that reason, I might be in two minds about whether to read any further, but this is Reading Excuses, so of course I will, but I think you could do with a better hook in your prologue. <R> -------------------------------------------------- I like the first paragraph, I'm drawn into asking questions about the man’s purpose and about the patricians and their propensity for wearing masks. The route marked by a map of the graffiti is also a nice touch. I'm intrigued. “through deserted corridors” – To my mind, corridors are internal, so I started off thinking he was indoors. You compound this by saying “The one he was there to see was in that room” – Normally, I feel one would go from an alleyway into a building or house, rather than a room. “Only a short time had passed before a change in the flickering light told him someone had relit the torch” – Your tenses get mixed up here. You seem to have fallen into past tense. The second ‘had’ is probably ok, although it robs the scene of immediacy, but the first one should be deleted. “he decided not to pay look too closely at any” – extra word. “this was all make-believe, of course., in In the official temples far overhead the priests performed their craft” – Run-on sentence. “Failing to find anything, he fixed his gaze on the figure sitting on a low crate in the middle of the room” – This is an issue for me. If a person walks into a room, the first thing their attention goes to is any person in that room – I think. I appreciate that there is a lot of weird stuff to look at in here, but if there is a Fury Priest sitting smack in the middle, I think the newcomer needs to look at him first to assess any threat or evaluate posture / mood / emotional state before glancing at inanimate artefacts. I think there is too much description of the priest. The main character walks into the room and there is a big slug of text before anyone says anything. I think this dissipates all the tension. I find it hard to stay in the scene as a wade through the description. “that croak had changed to a screech, like the woman couldn’t decide which fake voice to adopt” – Great line – I really like that, clever reveal of information with humour. “He noticed that he was sitting up straight, like his mother had forced into him as a child. Must be something in the voice, he thought” – I would consider dropping this. The reader will be able to work this out. They’ll make that connection from your reference to the mother. Give the reader credit and they will feel more satisfied by reading things into your writing. “But first there is the matter of… compensation” – This is not the word here, I think. Compensation is ‘something, typically money, awarded to someone in recognition of loss, suffering, or injury’. The priest is not suffering a loss, but performing a service, which would require payment or remuneration, if you want to use a fancier word. Sorry to be picky, but this sort of thing stands out for me.