Robinski

All I can think of to say... Is whip-crack away, whip-crack away, whip-crack awayyyyyy.

Yeah, at the end of the day there is no quick way around just reading the thing again. Another good tip, which maybe you use already, is to read out loud - even if it's just the dialogue - which helps with believability of speech, and I guess would help pick up the tags.

Hey, hang on. I gave you 5 cents. Is it only 2? Can I have my change, please?

Somewhere in amongst the confusing dialogue and slow plot development, there may be an interesting story, but I'm just not seeing it. The interaction between Salane and Moon annoys me, because I don’t believe anyone speaks that way. To me, there is way more dialogue than is necessary to convey a given thought and it slows everything down to a crawl. It would be different if it was funny and charming, but I don’t find it either of those. Considering the events that have taken place, we are introduced to the character of Moon, we meet Salane and the make a trip into the forest to go up a tower. The ritual itself was pretty short so, in the end, I think you could quite easily cover the ground we’ve been over so far in one introductory chapter, by tightening up the dialogue significantly, which would not hurt it. Such is my opinion, I hope there is something of use in there. Reading the others' comments now, I see that I'm not alone here! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- “and almost killed myself” “Of course I don’t?!” “do you know the significance of equilibrium in reference to the moon’s energy?” – or moons’ if it’s both. “Yeah, why? it means that the is in...” I don’t understand the triangle with the sun. If it’s night, the sun is nowhere to be seen, and yet both moons are visible, so what kind of triangle are we talking about? “My black hair turns shock white. My hair is the exemption exception, Ae and Iu hairs intermingle within it.” – These sentences seem mutually exclusive. “Just like Father father taught me how to” – If he’s just referring to his biological father, there’s no reason to capilatise this. If he is referring a priest, use of the capital is in the sense of a title and requires the name with it, because it’s a reference to a particular priest, otherwise it would just be ‘father’. “I can see, but only in shades of white” – there are no shades of white, but grey surely. “I’ve never done that before.” – That’s never happened before. “I feel power courses through me” – Or, I feel power coursing through me. [i'm stopping flagging typos here, there are too many.] “I refuse it, and stand up, slowly. Eclipse nods at my show of strength” – That is not a show of strength, it’s a show of ‘I don’t like you. If Eclipse’s respect is so easily won, it’s not worth having. “but was rather impressed by my stupidity” – That just doesn’t make sense. The dialogue is confusing here, and overcomplicated, I think. They are not saying anything that is important, that I can tell.

I remember the mackerel sky thing now, I think I have heard it once before, it's to do with the stripes, I think. Fair enough, but maybe it's a wee bit obscure. In terms of tension, I should have said that I certainly don't expect a story to be tense from start to finish, so maybe it was more that my interest was flagging. You can have my 5 cents on editing. Anything that you submit to any forum forms an impression for any reader who comes across it. My approach is to keep both spelling and grammar checker on at all times. I am highly attuned to those annoying little red and green squiggles (in Word at least), and root them all out before submitting anything anywhere. This does not avoid all errors, but tends to limit them to 'right spelling, wrong word'. In doing this, once I get to the end of my first draft, I hope all that is left are content and style issues. The QED on this is that whatever people think of my plot, style, narrative, etc., they are usually surprised (in a good way) to hear that something is a first edit. I think it's one way to make a good impression on readers at any level of a work's development, showing that you are thorough in your process. And all that time it's your computer that's doing most of the work.

I'm right back into the action and engaged again straight away. I find some of the action disorienting, because of the sudden shifts in scale. She slashes and enemy then someone throws a spear, but it impacts a sun and destroys the system they were in (presumably). I find it a jolt when something like that happens. The confrontation with the big others is good at first, but they disappear too easily when Uldomiel arrives – that didn’t convince me. Sara and Uld fighting was a nice development however, highlighting her fallen nature. There is some confused wording in her transition at the end, and I feel that it could be prolonged slightly, and given more power, but it’s a good ending. The last line, I felt, was less satisfying than hoped. She is the Lord now, is she not? So why would she express the thought in this way? I just felt the end could have been grander somehow. All in all though, and enjoyable story, the cosmic scale worked well for me. The action, for the most part, was fierce and vivid, and there were some nasty passage and phrases that helped to dial up the evil. Some of the blocking and descriptions could be tightened up, I think, but I feel that you will end up with a strong and satisfying story with an ending that is surprising, but inevitable. Good job! ----------------------------------------------------- “The unease she felt” – This felt strange – they’re under attack from the enemy and all she is feeling is unease?! “Saraphiel’s star-fire sword cut through tentacles and the outsider blurred away, leaving Illiriel behind. Or what was left of him, a skeleton and torn robes. The skull grinned and a black worm wriggled out between the upper and lower jaws like a tongue” – Yay, tentacles! Also, a very gruesome image – good job. “even Lucifer could would(?)stand a chance” “The celestial body was made up out of pure holy energy” You refer to Lucifer as Light-bringer, then his sword by the same name – it’s a bit disorienting. “After his fall from grace the sword’s blade became had become black” – This happened in the past. “A flash of light went off in front of her visor, overwhelming her visor’s capabilities” = awkward phrasing. I don’t understand where the outsider came from. “watch him and then check out examine the second chill” – check out seems totally out of context. You have a powerful, epic story and this sounds like a guy checking out a girl in a coffee shop. “Sometimes I talk too much” – Great line. My problem here is with the first outsider not being remarkable or scary enough (his appearance was too casual), and the second one just popping out of nowhere because the story seemed to want it. “Saraphiel reacted and brought herself in her way” – awkward wording – suggest much shorter and clearer. “She landed with an oomph” – Oh no, please. Something other than that – a grunt, maybe. Anything, but an oomph. “Instead the shorning shearing caught her by surprise” – or severing maybe, shorning is not a word. “Beg me to spare you,” the outsider whispered. His voice was like an oily caress. “Beg me with your eyes” – Fantastic line. You’ve really got some excellent threat going on here. “The outsider screamed as more white fire coursed along his body, then it vanished from the chamber.” Is ‘it’ referring to He Who Is Hate? And he is dispelled by one blow from Uldomiel?! I don’t buy that for one second. “Through heavy arms she met his blade with hers” – Awkward. ‘With heavy arm’ maybe? “The two locked-away suns” – I don’t really get what this means. Her war form is a comet – now she’s a sun? Confusing. “Before she even landed she had Her sword was ready to parry before she landed, but Uldomiel hadn’t moved” – suggestion, I found the original awkward. “The white space between them loomed” – gaped? Not sure a vacant space can loom. “Her lieutenant howled in shock and she lunged at him” – I don’t understand why she doesn’t go for the singularity here. Effectively, he is down, I feel. “In front of the singularity she stopped, feeling a sudden need to speak one more time” – Bah, it’s like evil villain expositioning unnecessarily before striking the final blow. “Maybe if the call was mine” – Again, a word in the modern idiom. Something like ‘choice’ instead would be more effective, more weighty, I think. “She felt all their hatred at the clean slate inside the barrier, a clean slate she denied them.” – This line is confusing – I can’t follow it.

I’ve done a certain amount of carping at the detail of the story (below), and have several questions that I was uncertain about, however I did enjoy it. I liked the tone of the narrative and I like Kaya’s relationship with her familiars, whose own characters came out pretty well, I thought, and were reasonably distinctive. While I am developing some interest in the characters, I'm not gripped by the story yet, which I would prefer to be. Some stolen pearls – not very stimulating. Clearly, there is something bigger going on, and the initial tension with the men in the cafe was good, but that has slipped away. Following Kaya and finding the body at night was good, retaining the tension, but everything has become rather cosy since then. The reference to Sherlock is verging on cliché. Not even a reference to Sherlock Holmes, but to the newer TV shows? I feel it’s lazy. Does your detective stand on their own or not? There’s a good set up for Kaya with her familiars, but I think you need to reveal more up front about her mysterious nature and whatever powers she might have, to hook the reader in. I'm hoping that the tension and mystery crank up again quickly in the next submission, but decent job so far. --------------------------------------------------------- Clearly, the protagonist is a foreigner – no authentic French person would spread butter on a croissant. The blocking is a bit unclear. I thought the woman was much closer than she is. Is she across the street? How wide is that street? “The Stranger said” – why do the capitalise stranger? If this person is on some higher level of existence, and the head of the secret organisation in which his title is ‘The Stranger’, do you need or mean to reveal it in the first instance of his appearing? If this isn’t a formal title or have some wider cosmic significance, why not just call him stranger? I'm on a quest to rid the world of the fad unnecessary and mannered capitalisation. How is it the guy’s cigarette is grape-flavoured, a weird random detail. If he was vaping, I would not give this a second thought, but you used the term cigarette, so I'm thrown out of the story trying to figure that one out. “soft, flaky side of the croissant” – This sound like one side of the croissant is soft and flaky and the other isn’t, but in reality they are the same all over, in my experience. “sipped some of his tea” – what does this add? “The list keeps growing, as it seems” “looking straight at the two in the café” – I'm bothered by the angles here. Street lights are normally pretty high, especially in city/town centres, compared to residential areas, for example. So, the logistics seem, doubtful shall we say. Maybe you can chalk it up to artistic license. Maybe it wouldn’t snag for most people, or you could sit the crow on something else. Why are all the people grumpy – seems like a blanket statement. Surely, some of them are happy? Unless there is something you’re not telling us. I'm not keen on the description of the air on the mountain, it seems too mobile and fast moving, not to mention the way it is heavily anthropomorphised with uncertainty and then courage. Do you intend for the air to be a character? It puts me in mind of Wheel of Time openings, which are well done of course, and they use the wind effectively to create mood, but they don’t I think actually personalise the wind at all (I checked a couple, not all). “An antique-looking portrait” “where the sky was still mackerel” – huh? So, are the animals’ words actually spoken out loud? It seems that way. Ah, ok, you confirm that later, and the mouse has an American accent, hmm, it’s Fievel Goes West all over again. Also, how are you pronouncing Mus? I'm feeling ‘muzz’. “his bad combover had survived whatever had happened to him” – ROFL, hilarious line. “but at this point it didn’t matter” – So why does she do it? “she felt like the door to her cage was open” – Love this line. “were like stones that she imagined she threw in the lake” – This metaphor does start to stretch towards being tortured. “used her leg as a ladder” – Ouch, this seems to imply little claws digging into her skin. “and poured generously. in it” “Why don’t we do standard procedure” – This part gave me a problem. Searching for a name on a computer is one of the easiest things for anyone to do, and the most obvious. There’s no way it’s worth a discussion. Writing computer scenes is a thing that is consistently weak in fiction (and cinema), I think. Remember all the scenes of loading or downloading bars advancing across a screen – rubbish. I would suggest staying away from making computing an important part of your story unless you can bring something fresh to it. Trying to think of good examples, it’s done well in the movie Margin Call (fantastic film), where computing appears as, ‘Look, you’re not going to understand all this stuff on the screen, but I'm an expert, so believe me when I tell you this is bad’ – I'm paraphrasing, of course. “it had been stopped parked smack in the centre” “Mr. Randall” – “Mr. Bourke” – abbreviation, needs a ‘.’

Lol, yes, I got that - clearly Veil is intended to be speaking in a cockney accent, judging from his use of 'love' as a term of endearment. Hopefully not a Dick Van Dyke cockney accent though ;o)

Detailed comments below. I wasn’t especially bowled over by this chapter, and the ending became apparent in advance, but not too far for me, since you kept the revelation about Nakamoto back to the last page or two. My main problem was that the characters didn’t engage me. I wasn’t interested in what happened to them. Part of the difficulty, I think, is because they are already dead, so what happened to them is in the past, and the only thing in their future is going on the door and fading into nothing. The writing could be tightened up, some of the phrasing is awkward, and some of the philosophising is pat – i.e. unsurprising and verging on cliché. There isn’t much description. I think that’s okay for the setting, since most readers will know what the inside of a bar looks like, but there’s almost nothing to give the reader a picture of the characters. I think you have a real challenge ahead to write a novel in this vein, and I don’t see how you can create enough different stories to engage the reader for 100k words, especially if the characters don’t have a through line. Maybe there are a couple of short stories here, but I couldn’t stick with this in long form. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Hmm, I'm sorta confused straight away. So Samantha and the person she’s speaking to are both bartenders in supernatural bars? Curious. “she had grown into drinking it” – I think. ‘Incandescent’ usually refers to fierce/strong light (or fierce rage), I think. I felt it a bit odd that it created a warm effect. “That place of employment had felt so gaudy” – You’ve already said she worked there – this is awkward – but maybe ‘workplace’ is you want to stress the point. Also, how can something be gaudy and sterile at the same time – that really stopped me in my tracks. “stopped herself from responding to the sound” – Awkward wording for me. You easily could replace this phrase with the word ‘turning’. I find wordiness distracting, personally, (which is rich coming from me. “nearly fell out of her seat” – seems overdramatic to me, almost introducing (unintended) humour to what I feel is meant to be a serious situation. Three instances of the word ‘bar’ in about 12 words. Nakamoto’s English seems fine – it seems weird that he can’t pronounce ‘Manhattan’. I think the dialogue between Samantha and Nakamoto could be tightened up. The bits about the Manhattan and the whisky don’t add anything, imho. The action around the van felt improbable to me. (1) A van parked outside a bar would be some distance away from someone inside. I doubt that a person behind or near the counter could see someone in a vehicle on the kerb. (2) If the guys outside are staking out the joint, it seems unlikely they would be in plain sight, or caught looking into the bar. (3) ‘Several gentlemen on either side of him’ makes the door sounds enormously side. Don't they in fact have to come through one or two at a time? “He cratered to the floor” – not cratered, I think. “And his actions reflect on me.” – Back to my point about the Manhattan – this guy’s English is good – I don’t buy he can’t pronounce that, especially if it’s his favourite drink. “We don't have Hibiki like you asked for.” – Unnecessary, and I just don’t care about these details, they’re in the way of the story. “Samantha's laughter began with a polite feigned laughter that she had practiced so many times as a cocktail waitress, but soon it faded into a genuine laugh” – convoluted and confusing wording. “The walls could have ears” – this is the latest of several phrases in this chapter that I find rather clichéd. They include his heart racing, which isn’t much of a revelation, and forbidden fruit being the sweetest. I like to be surprised when I'm reading, but this kind of pat philosophy is rather groan-inducing. I get no sense from anything so far that Samantha’s job was oppressive. “"Spunk," said Samantha.” – Lol, was that line meant to be laugh-out-loud funny? “Samantha, you don't have to can stop pretending” – Or ‘don’t have to pretend’. “Yes, all those 'business meetings' that I sat in on” – This is surprising. Why would he let her sit in? Her role in his organisation in unclear, passing envelopes is one thing, but if she can’t speak Japanese, then why was she sitting in? “A smile creeped crept over Nakamoto's face” “"So that means the real Nakamoto—"” – this line makes her look dumb. He’s just explained it and she’s just repeating what he said. How is it that Interpol is operating in the US? I find that hard to believe. Also, how is it that Interpol can offer immunity in the US? I find that very, very hard to believe.

Yup, old HP sure does have a way with unspeakabe, unfathomable, unreletning horror. And tentacles, so many tentacles...

I'd just like to thank everyone again for the excellent comments. I think I've 'harvested' the most important points (and the line edits), from those two weeks of quality critiquing and I'm about to embark on 'The Edit'. Hopefully, if I can get to a satisfactory place in the next couple of weeks, I will seek to put the story up again - maybe on the Alpha thread - to see if anyone thinks I've managed to salvage something from it!

No, not boiled alive. Deadpool is a much better movie than Charles Dickens' little-known original manuscript ;op

Well, I must say that I was thoroughly entertained. I love this kind of formal, intricate language and that alone would have kept me reading. It’s an interesting set up and a clever idea. I do feel that the premise for Mrs Royall running off after Andrew Jackson is rather vague. The world is going to end, take my word for it, seemed to be about as much as we got. I got past it, but it was a bit frustrating at the time. For me, I would take out all the references, or rather add them as an appendix so that I can skip past them in the text. There’s no way I won’t to be distracted by the temptation to digress off into the bear pit that is the WWW while I'm clipping alone through an entertaining story. I would much rather suspend my disbelief, which I'm uncommonly good at, to the point of sheer dumbness on many occasions. Keen to read more, post again soon! -------------------------------------------------------- My first thought is Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter “I'm glad Mr. Adam's Adams’ messenger” “London gin is poison” – Indeed not, I must protest this falsehood most vigorously! Everything, in moderation, can be pleasurable and a tonic.

“but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise” - I think I had strikethrough text but it well off I think - it's 'make' not 'makes' A cricket is a type bug like a grasshopper. LOL - I do know about crickets, we have grasshoppers in the UK, and my wife is Canadian. My (tongue in cheek) comment was meant to highlight that I didn't understand they were eating crickets when the reference was made to the sheds, or even when the first reference was made to cricket bars - but I did not express it very well!

Really awesome post, Kaisa. I've been fascinated watching the pitches float past, some really great ones that I would start reading from the pitch/tag line.

... (stupid phone)

So, I'm over there watching the pitches roll and a lot of them seem to have little to do with marginalised issues so, what makes an author marginalised?

Hmm, I took it that it was to do with looking at subjects or protagonists that highlight marginalised groups. Is it pitches from marginalised writers? That can't be it, because when you're pitching or submitting, who knows whether you are marginalised or not (as a writer). It must be the subject matter, surely? Edit: Writers' Digest says it's an event for 'marginalized authors + diverse books', however the leader seems to suggest it is just marginalised authors. What's the point in that? What does more to raise the profile of marginalised groups, a disabled author who writes the worst kind or derivative/generic nonesense or any author whose protagonist is in a wheelchair? Sorry for the extreme example, but you can see what I'm getting at, I trust, and I am genuinely interested in the views of the group. I feel like they are missing the point. On another angle, where do you stand on positive discrimination? Positively discriminate in favour of subjects and characters that challenge marginalisation, by all means, but why would the industry discriminate against authors of colour/race; disabled authors, etc. if their work makes the grade?

Interesting story, especially given the territory that I am treading in with my own current project, ‘Hold the Bridge’. I enjoy the scale of your story, which comes across well. My brain did start to itch when were contemplating going back in time. I think that just turns everything upside down and puts you into the heart of a conundrum that often doesn’t end well (if it ends at all). I started to skim over the battle sequence when Sara was fighting. I know there was significant stuff in there, and I think I caught it all, but the cutting and thrusting seemed rather mechanical. You might consider cutting that down a bit, although maybe others are fine with it. All-in-all, I am interested and want to see where the story winds up. There are some big themes involved here, which sets the little grey cells going. Some are maybe glossed over a little in favour of action, but I'm keen to see where it all ends up! ----------------------------------------------------- It was a bit of a jump to learn that she was not alone on the moon. The blocking confuses me, I don’t know anything about this Starpool, and so I can’t picture the impact on it. “The power gathering within the Starpool grew by the minute” – Seemed repetitive to me. “When ready, the celestial ring would create an inescapable gravitational pull” – I've been getting dinged a lot recently about my comma use, to the point that I'm expecting a group of well-meaning colleagues to institute some kind of grammatical intervention any day now. For better or worse, while applying my own judgement, I tend to default to accepting suggestions from MS Word, because I loathe those little green squiggles under my text. I also stick them in where I want to pause in reading, like here. Again, a blocking issue, I can’t picture where the Straaxi are. Are they all on this moon? It sounds like shots are being fired on a planetary scale, and yet the Straaxi feel closer than that. I like the lines about chaos being faster than light and seeing by chaos. “Wings were the best. The Elder Gods had taught her that when they’d made her eat her own wings.” – Yikes! That’s a really effective line – quite the gut punch. “Less Fewer than a hundred remained” I do enjoy the celestial scale of the action and the references to mythical things like Argus’ eyes. It puts me in mind of Marvel stories involving Galactus and the Silver Surfer. Are the canals in the floor different from the narrow conduits in the floor? “They clasped each other’s forearms.” – Argh, bit clichéd. I wrote this myself once, but I like to think I wouldn’t now, unless in an ironic way, or to highlight some warrior cliché.

No, but at least I know what it is now, thanks to your post!

Quite a bit of detail below, but I enjoyed these chapters more than the first two. Some of the word choices are a bit off, in my view (mostly noted below). Also, the blocking in the shed where he meets the Bride with the fire is disorienting. I didn’t get that there was a table, and I don’t think you described the contents well enough. Where did the wire come from in Oz’s pocket, and how big must the fire have been to make a detectable difference to the oxygen content that quickly? Various quibbles aside, the exchange between Oz and Hayden is good, that really drew me in more to his character, and is more engaging than cheese-courting bravado. Good work, I'm on for the ride now. --------------------------------------------------------------- [+3] “but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise” I love the Brides’ tattoos for the Rex kills – brilliant. Totally evokes the kills that WWII fighter pilots had marked on their planes. “the glacier-cut hill gave give way to” – I think, to preserve present tense, or ‘have given’ if it’s already happened. “Filling the long the slope down” “used to be a private airport”” I’m not sure lakes have banks; I think they have shores and rivers have banks. Even if someone proves me wrong, I think shore sounds more correct. I feel that six-wheeler should be hyphenated. I almost commented on it last time. Dunno, anyone else? And sorry about the line edits. You know by now I am physically incapable of commenting without doing this. Just tell me to stop and I will! (p.s. I see a hyphenated version later on). I don’t follow what ‘their Greens’ are. The use of ‘chute’ disorients my slightly. A chute is for sliding down where I come from, like in a play park. ‘rushes in’ gives me the impression Calgary is panicked, whereas the context suggests more angry, like ‘stormed in’. ‘sidestepping’ is one word. “almost doesn’t seem real” – This phrasing is indirect and leaves me wondering what to take from it. “I’m about to grab another bar” – A third? That’s just greedy, and what the heck is a cricket bar, or a cricket shed for that matter? Where I come from, cricket is a sport played with bats, where the players take tea half way through. “It’s the Rex’s blood in the creases of my knuckles” – My first thought was that Rexism might be contagious, like zombification, but there’s been no real indication of that. I presume there are no new Rexs being made? Still don’t know what the Greens are – I don’t think. “His smile is tentatively back” – grammar. I presume it’s a tentative smile, back at protagonist. Nice detail and background with the gloves, simple = effective. “the hose in Greenhouse Six is clogged” – since it’s the name of the greenhouse. “So I run through my routine: pull-ups, rope climbing, toes-to-bar” – Feels like a rather cheesy montage, in filmic terms. “my hammock is uncomfortably slung to the right” – Ooh, err – more tea, Vicar? (Sorry, couldn’t resist!) “After grabbing food from the canteen, I sit down with my laptop and my pings.” “Because before the comet hit, 70% of the earth’s oxygen came from marine plants. It’s nearly impossible to make that up.” – Whoa, you drop this line then move on, but I'm reeling from a series of massive questions. Is the 70% true? What happened to the oceans? How big was the comet? Comet, really, not asteroid? All these questions rip me out of the story and send me off to start researching these fascinating questions. A cursory look at this online seems to suggest a 50/50 split between phytoplankton and land-based vegetation. Does this mean that there was a huge change in the split before the comet strike? Another cursory piece of ‘research’ indicates that, on average, asteroids are much smaller larger than comets. I'm asking now whether a comet impact would be sufficient to cause... what? We don’t yet know what the source of the environmental catastrophe is. At the risk of resorting to a minor info-dump, I would like to know more right here in this test so that I can move beyond it without breaking off from the story. Oz’s interest in girls seems to manifest quite suddenly considering he was in a six-wheeler full of Brides. I guess you would say that he reasonably did not consider them as members of the opposite sex in the same way, but why not? This reference to girls seems to mark him as a fairly standard adolescent boy. The testing sequence is good, even a trifle brief. The brevity makes me feel it is cursory, not much of a challenge. I would have like to see a couple more questions, maybe ones that were difficult, perhaps presenting a moral dilemma to which there was no correct answer. Maybe that comes later, however it seems to me that many people could have passed the test that Oz sat. Quibbles aside, I like how the test tunes into the YA trope of being tested, and that the story puts us on a testing / training progression. It’s a very common dystopian trope, verging on cliché, but I honestly don’t mind. “When I hold them up to my face, they alight” – I think light up or illuminate is more appropriate, alight means ‘to land on’ or ‘descend from’ (like a bus). “I remove the pings one at a time” – How else would you do it? [+4] “but when I lean and peer past the boxes” ?? Yeah, there’s chute again – Online definition has my understanding “a sloping channel or slide for conveying things to a lower level” “spiraling upward in an upward fountain” – I reckon that’s the only kind of fountain there is, and maybe upward is in the wrong place. “picking up one object after the next” – grammar, you can’t pick up something after the next. “but one that says I caught her by surprise” – But how can it be a surprise, he made the same comment not a couple of minutes ago? “flood lights” – one word.

Yeah, I suppose it's close to being fully negative... What I didn't do was note anything that I liked, so I'll think on that now. I liked the pacing. There was always something happening, and I did get the sense of time being critical for Moon to get to the top of the Spire. I didn't know why, but I got the sense, and you can add the why. I'm not saying a character needs to be vulnerable or outmatched from the start, but his attitude didn't seem to leave any room for vulnerability. Doubt or fear, lack of confidence, can be present in small quantities, and hinted at in actions and reactions. The appearance of Eclipse offered the opportunity for this, although you need to get the reader to that point of course, which I was, but would I have taken your book to the till in a book store after reading a few pages? Probably not in it's current form - but it's a tester, so I would read a more writerly version.

So, hey, I guess this is welcome to Reading Excuses. Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this point. I'll dive straight into comments as I read, with summation at the end. The "Never mention..." line is odd. 'Not to mention...' is the usual phrasing of the sense that I think you meant, but "Never mention..." sounds like an instruction. I don't get him using the terms morning sky and afternoon sky together. It's one or the other, surely. "I internally groan" - this sounds odd because it's a split infinitive. 'I groan internally' would be more correct. I'm trying not to quibble about grammar, but this stands out like a sore thumb for me. I'm a bit frustrated by the things that Moon focuses on. Kebabs are playing a very prominent part in the story so far, as is sarcasm. I can't imagine that these things are actually important, they seem frivolous. Yeah, in fact as I read on, the sarcasm thing is getting really annoying. The first rule of sarcasm is don't talk about sarcasm. I know, I'm British. I find the dialogue rather unsophisticated. What age are these two? It sounds like they are maybe 16 or so, like they are trying to sound more mature than they are. I don't care what things cost, or about the tip. Moon seems obsessed with tipping and paying for things. Again, this seems like something that should not be so prominent so early in a story, or at all. I don't get the hair being mad thing. Is he feeling something physical, or is it in his head? Either way, it's strange. What?! Whoa, I'm totally on the other guy's side in this. Somebody walks into me in the street then blanks me. I don't see how the other guy started it and, since I don't understand why Moon won't speak, I can't find any sympathy for him. I think I've put my finger on the trouble I'm having with both the dialogue and a lot of the narrative. It seems very heavy on the telling, and doesn't allow the reader to work much out for themselves. We're told what to think about pretty much everything. Climbing the spire is dangerous because there is no safety equipment. Salane is panicking. Her clinging to his back is still him carrying her. The tenses seem a bit mixed up in places. "She did so..." instead of 'does so'. "A man named..." for me, this is really quite cheesy, like everyone is holding their breath. The one-to-another and did-this-by-that stuff is quite annoying, it's really melodramatic. Also, it's very repetitive, like the sarcasm stuff, it gets boring pretty quickly. And then there is a bunch more telling as Moon explains this to Salane so the reader can know it. Then the chapter closes on Moon being really dense about the kiss. Is he really that naive and innocent? --------------------------------- To sum up, I had various problems with this, I'm afraid. The biggest of these was the amount of repetition in the 'word games'. For me, that got old really quickly. The sarcasm thing turned me off by the third mention of it, but the word sarcasm or sarcastic is used 13 times. Protagonist, for me at least, was rather one note, lacking depth. I don't want to read a story about which potion to take, or have the character explaining stuff to me all the time, I want to see him or her being vulnerable, challenged by circumstances, trying and failing. I'm just not interested in him at this point, and after two chapters, I would expect to be. Sorry to be the bad guy.