kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ
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Everything posted by kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ
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I think maybe this whole time
I
was
the problem
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QuoteAlso, @shortcake, I’ve been freckle-free now for about a week and a half.
Sometimes the places they were still sting, but you can’t see them too easily and I think it’s more a brain thing, not them actually hurting.
I'm so proud of you!! You got this, Kajsa! <3 We'll always be here for you, no matter what happens <33
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DAYS WON
93
Can I just say….
bruh
one more week and you’re at 100
HOW
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Hey guys. I’ll post updates on camp a little later because right now I need to vent lol
SpoilerI just spent the last 25 minutes cleaning cat puke out of my carpet. Oslo has been sick for h the past few days and it’s stressing me out a little bit.
My mom wants to take us all out today, get us out of the house before we do leisure stuff. She wants to take us to the zoo or to Mahoney or somewhere where we have to be around people and walk a lot. In the heat. But I. Am. EXHAUSTED. I worked my ass off this whole week, around too many loud people, and everything hurts. It feels like I have cold knives and shrapnel in my swollen ankle. My bones ache and I have the worst scudding headache. I’m also experiencing a high level of hormones and it’s increasing my anxiety.
And of course I don’t want to be with my mom. I wanted to go to the College World Series with my dad even though I can’t help fundraise (it’s a fundraiser for show choir, long story) just because I’m so tired of being around Mom. Last night when she was taking me to my friend’s birthday party, she basically just weighed my mind down with all the many things we have to do this week. Like why is she even telling me? It’s not like I’m even going to have anything to say, and she knows it.
Every time words come out of her mouth, it’s nebulous and lengthy. Something that should take five minutes to say takes her thirty. Which is weird because she’s supposed to be good with words.
This has been “Rant with Kajsa”. Thanks for tuning in. *salute*
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Soooo… Mal’s girlfriend is having a rethink about her feelings for him… but she hasn’t told him yet and I’m not supposed to know 0.o it honestly kind of scares me…
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When I’m dancing with you, nothing else matters.
It‘s just you and me, singing and dancing until the lights die and our lungs give out.
thank you.
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…2,000 rep? :eyes:
THANK YOU GUYS I LOVE YOU ALLLL
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Holy crap I’m SPENT… day three of show choir camp was just downright exhausting. Tomorrow is probably gonna be my breaking point, I can just feel it >.<
like I almost passed out after walking up a flight of stairs. I can’t imagine what choreo week for high school is gonna be like… lol
We’re singing a song for our opener at camp that emulates my very being. It’s a medley of “You Say” by Lauren Daegle, “Fix You” by Coldplay, and “Drown” by Bring Me The Horizon.
Spoiler“I’ve been hearing voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low (hoo-whoa)
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
And I will try
To fix you
*cue dance break*
what doesn’t kill you
makes you wish you were dead
got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
and I can’t take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
and the weight of the world is getting harder to hold up
it comes in waves
i close my eyes
hold my breath and let it bury me
im not okay, and it’s not alright, won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?
Who will fix me now?
dive in when I’m down?
save me from myself
dont let me drown
who will make me fight?
drag me out alive?
save me from myself
dont let me drown
*cue dance break* *then, fortissimo, “borderline INSANITY”*
I’VE BEEN HEARING VOICES IN MY HEAD!
It’s a song that gives me chills every time we sing it.
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fix you by coldplay is ahdheoBsuegshevdue i love that song you all know why but gosh i love it
why did I try to pronounce the keyboard smash before I realized it that that's what it was-
Anyway, all three of those songs are *inhale* (mmmm keyboard smashing time) dalskjnasldknsa SO GOOD
I believe in you, Kajsa <3
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I love the things he does, the things he says.
The way he walks and the sparkle in his eyes when he flashes that beautiful smile.
His clumsy movements make my heart dance.
The scent of his familiar cologne drives me to wish I had a shirt of his, so that when I’m lonely I can lift it to my face, and the fragrance will leave me feeling less alone.
And his beautiful voice, the voice that called me “baby”, even if it was for show.
And his imperfections are my favorite part of him. They drive me near insanity because I wish so badly that he could be mine.
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"When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn't true
Give me a day or two to think of something clever
To write myself a letter
To tell me what to do, mm-mmmDo you read my interviews?
Or do you skip my avenue? (My avenue)
When you (when you) said you were passing through
Was I even on your way?I knew when I asked you to (when I asked you to)
Be cool about what I was telling you
You'd do the opposite of what you said you'd do (what you said you'd do)
And I'd end up more afraidDon't say it isn't fair
You clearly weren't aware that you made me miserable
So if you really wanna knowWhen I'm away from you (when I'm away from you)
I'm happier than ever (happier than ever)
Wish I could explain it better (wish I could explain it better)
I wish it wasn't true (wish it wasn't true), mmm-mmm"-Billie Eilish -
I can’t.
I can’t.
I want to scream. I want to scream and cry and bang my head against a wall until I go unconscious.
I want to tear everything she loves to SHREDS and take away everyone she loves. She’s supposed to love me, but she doesn’t even care. SHE DOESN’T EVEN CARE! AND SHES SO DAMN BLIND AND EVERYBODY LOVES HER SO MUCH BECAUSE SHES JUST A LITTLE PERFECT ANGEL WHO MAKES NO MISTAKES AND GETS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE SHE WANTS. AND I HATE HER.
I want to twist her perfect little world into what I see, make her feel how I feel. This pain and loneliness and agonizing hollowness in my chest would become hers, and then I would be the one laughing.
and i can’t keep living like this because it makes me want to die.
I
am
not
worth
anything
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don’t know if this is useful, but i just thought i’d add my input, from the point of view of someone whose brother has said words to this effect about them before. (i’m not in the same position as you though - i have (mostly) fair and loving parents)
i have to be the perfect golden daughter else i don’t feel enough. i’ve based my entire self-worth, my entire life, around pleasing my parents. and, for some reason, it works, which sometimes means they disregard my brother to support me. and i hate it and i wish they’d help my brother, a legitimate human being with real hopes and desires, instead of me, a fake liar putting on an act. but i can’t do anything about it.
what i think i’m suggesting is, idk if you’ve tried this before and it sounds obvious and cliche, but try talking to her and putting her in your position. you never know, she might have her own monsters that she just hides well.
(sorry for the mini-rant)
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kajsa you say you aren’t worth anything.
but that’s a damn lie.
that’s the biggest damn lie from Shallan saying smth like “I’m fine :3”
you are worth so much. to me, to your Father in Heaven, and i don’t know if your religious, but i swear to you, He cares about you so much. He loves you.
everyone here loves you too. living like this is not the way to live, i completely agree, but i need you to trust that things will get better. they always do. it might take a bit longer than you expect, but i swear to you that things will get better.
i promise you, kajsa, someday you will feel love as you completely should and as you completely deserve. when that day happens, know that there were and are people here for you every single damn step of the way.
i love you, sister, and i promise things will improve.
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(Sorry I’m late) I feel that, Kajsa. I feel it to my bones. But you know the most beautiful thing? It’s not true. It’s. Not. True. This anger is strong, it’s overpowering, and it turns off everything else. It burns so hot and the only way to get rid of it is to shove it out and destroy. But like picking a scab, it only gives the anger more reason and room to thrive. It’s hard to make the feelings leave, and if there’s anything I can do, please let me know.
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Grrr I didn’t think this day could get much worse.
…it did.
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Holy crap, that was SO good. I don’t even have words. And I’m glad I could help!!
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Fate keeps trying to push me and Mal closer together, I SWEAR. Does it mean something?
…maybe.
Am I scared to admit it?
um, YES.
Do I really like him that much?
Gosh dang it yes I do.
full update coming a little later but for now I gtgalso, 40 notifications, guys? Really? (Haha I’m joking love y’all)
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I’m a human
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Can’t sleep. Frankly I’m not even sure that I’m tired. Hmm.
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Also I'm going to do a cover of "Bad Dreams" (stripped) by Faouzia and if you wanna hear it I'll *maybe* put it in the replies if enough of you want to hear lol and if it turns out okay (My belt is rly good today but idk how it's gonna sound on a recording lol especially in a small space)
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rethinking inviting mal and the boys to my party... gosh it's all just so back and forth back and forth like xD maybe I invite the girls first and then see what they think about having the boys there or not... or is that totally weird? like i'm totally overthinking it and i need to just invite the boys but gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................
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one time in choir my director was like "i HATE facial hair. HATE it. so if you ever see me with facial hair i'm not okay."
he said it kind of jokingly but HE HAS FACIAL HAIR WTC
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new makeup look today, and it's kind of a slay
feeling weirdly emotional as well. my mom was talking about like nothing in particular and I almost burst into tears xD I think it might be hormones - _-
we're having pizza for dinner! and my birthday party is gonna be on friday! and i've decided that i'm gonna invite mal and just hope that all goes well. eek.
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Good morning my wonderful humans!
life update:
SpoilerWhat we’ve been doing:
SpoilerThursday:
we did a lot of yard work that day. The lawn needed to be mowed, so that also meant it was time to weed the flowerbeds, sweep the mulch back into the garden, pick up lots and lots of sticks, move around the trampoline a lot, etc etc. I got stung by a stinging nettle plant and it still bothers me a little. It hurt and swelled up a lot and I could feel my heartbeat in it xD but after a while it kind of calmed down and now it’s just a little itchy. After that, I spent an hour ish getting ready to go to Sioux City to see Nate Bargatze’s comedy show! He was hilarious. On the way, my mom bought us soft pretzels and drinks from Sonic (limeade for her, milkshake for me), and we stopped at Palmer’s candy store to just “look around”. …we brought home 40 pounds of chocolate. :3 We got some burgers and fries from Hardee’s and ate dinner in the car while watching and episode of Downton Abbey, and we finished just in time to get in line at the Orpheum. The show was amazing, and then we got back in the car and went home. We made it back around 11 and I absconded with my phone again to play Luna Ravel lol. I fell asleep around 2.
Friday:
Started out kind of just a chill day, yk? My family went garage sale-ing and I stayed home to draw and drink hot chocolate and all the things. They got home and we ate lunch, then had some downtime, in which I convinced my little brother (we’ll call him… hmm… Brett) to let me give him a makeover
he has to be the best little brother on the entire planet. Then he did a makeover on my little sister (let’s say Prya), and she did my makeover. Lol. Never give an 8 year old eyeliner and lipstick. Same goes for an uneducated 11 year old xD but hey, it was a ton of fun! Then we ate dinner and played Jackbox games until late at night. Brett and Prya got sent to bed, and my mom and older brother and I finished the last episode of This Is Us. :loudly-crying: I took that time to work on Calano’s commission, and I got some pretty good work done. Eventually we got sent to bed too. I cried myself to sleep.
How it’s been:
SpoilerIt’s been a lot better. Easier. Less tense. It’s felt lighter.
mental/emotional update:
SpoilerStill not doing great, but I’m on a higher platform, and I’m really working on refraining from freckles. Crying myself to sleep last night was really really good for me. Just to release everything. You know? I’m still not doing good, and it’s all still a little overwhelming. But I’m *better*.
How are you guys?
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Yikes Alphy good luck with that
Thanks Calano
well… if I’m being completely honest, I’m kind of being forced into it since we’re gonna go on a family reunion soon which means pools and swimming and also next week is show choir camp which means tank tops because it gets HOT in there xD but yes I am making a tally on the front of my sketchbook for each day I don’t do it
also I’m glad you’re near Luna again! (Is that creepy to say? I feel like that’s maybe creepy to say…)
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Y’all, idk what to do.
I gotta get help but idk how or when or who…
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- school counsellor if you have one
- online services (i use kooth, which is great)
- friends
- friends’ parents
- doctors, once you’re 18 (idk how long away that is for you and therefore if it’s a viable option)
- helplines/hotlines
- social media (be careful with this one, but you don’t need me to tell you that haha)
- religion
i hope that helps. sending love and hugs, i really hope things get better for you soon <33
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How does testing for anxiety and depression work?
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I don't know...hmmm
I think @The Aspiring Archivist does
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Well, you basically just get a bunch of surveys to fill out. And you answer them as best you can. If you do take a test, don't be too worried about your answers being perfect, a few unsure responses doesn't ruin a test. Also, I'm pretty sure you generally have the option of confidentiality at all steps. The specific responses you give won't be shared with anyone, although issues of suicide and self harm do probably have to get discussed.
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Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!
kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ replied to Curious Anamaximder's topic in General Discussion
Don’t be sorry. *hugs* Its so so sad that you have to go through this. The pain, the loss, it’s awful. And it’s even sadder to hear that your mom has torn you down trying to build you up. I’m really sorry that you have to go through all this, and it sucks. Gosh, I really wish I knew what else I could say to help. Just know that we’re here for you and that we care for you deeply. <3 also, a tip for rediscovering the joy in creative writing (I myself have been writing for nearly my whole life, but I’ve been consistent with it for the past 8 or so years, and I’ve been struggling with it lately, so I like to use this) is something I like to call automatic writing. It’s a lot like automatic drawing, where you let your pencil follow wherever your hand wants to go. If you can, try to find time—even five minutes a day—to just write words. It helps me to write on paper, and even just a few sentences a day has helped me feel not so lost. I hope this helps. And if you ever want to talk about anything at all, my PMs will always be open. Good luck, my friend. <333 -
Good morning, my fellow humans! (At least, I hope so.)
im going to try to do better with complaints and rants. Maybe I’ll start putting them in spoilers or write them out somewhere else because I’ve kind of started getting real whiny xD so yah
also today my mom and I are going to Sioux City to see Nate Bargatze as an early birthday present. I’m excited
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I LOVE THESE! They’re all so good!!! My favorites though have to be the one of you and then the one with the blue hair. awesome job!!!!
Sometimes the places they were still sting, but you can’t see them too easily and I think it’s more a brain thing, not them actually hurting.
you’re making me blush lol
