kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

Chapter 1

This window is my only sanctuary. 

The sky is dark and unfeeling, glaring at the glacial winds that rattle gates and wagon wheels, sending squirrels skittering to the comfort of a nest. I watch silently as the sky’s tears emphatically smack the cold panes, dribbling down the glass like blood. It’s been nothing but freezing rain for days, threatening to slick down our cobbled streets or ice over door hinges, but never cold enough to snow.

And thus begins our fleeting Elysian summer. 

Inwardly sighing, I turn away from the Big Window, brushing tendrils of my long red hair out of my eyes. I’m already late for Training, and the punishment will only get worse the longer I wait. 

Tarkien is not particularly patient, or understanding. And then he goes and wonders why we prefer Hawke. 

Not bothering to change out of my morning clothes, I scramble downstairs to the kitchens to snag a hot biscuit for the walk to Eidshire’s barracks. The servants freeze up when they see me, straightening their clothes and their posture, but I dismiss their formalities with a wave of my hand and a smile. I’m down here often enough to know most of the servants better than I know the lords and ladies of my own court.

“Mrs. Farr?” My voice carries even through the clatter of pots and pans. A stout woman with frizzy orange hair and bushy eyebrows jumps. “Hadley, is that you?” Her thick accent drops most of the consonants and smashes the words together, something most nobles would wrinkle their little noses at.

She whirls around to look me in the face, startled to see that it really is me. “Heavens, child! What do you want at this hour? I’m busy. And–why haven't you changed?” She goes on muttering about how lucky it is that Turner was born before me, that someone sensible and put-together should lead the country. But she gives me a biscuit nonetheless, slathered with a little extra butter, before promptly kicking me out of her kitchen. “Heaven help my soul! There you are, child. Now scram before Tarkien butchers your classmates!”

“Thank you, Mrs. Farr,” I call over my shoulder, my words muffled by an undignified bite of hot, flaky goodness. 

Reina grimaced. The timeline had crashed.

What were foreseen to be good things took a turn for the worse. Houses, built and burned in a day. Cities, destroyed at the flick of a dictator’s hand. Countries on their knees, at the mercy of each other. People, sold to evil people for evil things. 

Humanity, abolished.

And it was the worst it had ever been. 

Families tore each other apart for money or power, friends betrayed one another for the ones who seemed better, the undesirable or lesser ones experimented on or simply destroyed, the ones in power corrupted beyond anything the Gods had seen.

And now, as the last skyscraper groaned, shuddered, and collapsed, the last bleeding hearts silenced, they knew this would not work again. Something had to change. But what?

Show choir camp was honestly a blast. Though it wore me out physically, mentally, and emotionally, it was so so good for me. My improvement in this past year is honestly shocking!!!

While I’m still not necessarily built to be a star dancer (having long legs and arms can get in the way sometimes—and I have broad shoulders and big hands so I tend to look—and be—a little clumsy hahaha), I’m on the road to be a good one. I even got blocked in the front for our whole opener!!!

I talked to Mal a lot since he was in my group, and we honestly had a really fun time (at least I did. Who knows about him lol). Blocking auditions were fun, and then on Thursday—well, I’ll touch on this in the next drop down. Cuz birthday.

At the end of our show on Friday, my director found me and told me, “I am so proud of you. I know you’ve been struggling a little lately,” (how he knows this I am baffled—unless he was talking strictly about my ankle) “but you pushed through it, and I’m very proud of you.” It was all I could do not to cry… I will miss seeing him (almost) every day. At least I’ll still see him sometimes!

Ankle was not great, but that deserves its own drop-down hahaha. 

YAY!!! I’ll still be the youngest in all of my friend groups, but at least I’m not as young as I felt before. (Not that I actually feel any different. But whatever. That’s besides the point.) 

Started out the day by almost being late to show choir camp—my sister and I neglected to set an alarm and woke up a half hour before we needed to be there. We scrambled to get ready and had to grab breakfast on the way (McDonald’s sausage biscuits? Yum.), but we still made it on time. During our first block (combo—which means choreo and vocals), my director was like “We HaVe A bIrThDaY tOdAy!!! It’s Kajsa’s birthday!!!!” I had known it was coming, but it still instilled a bit of half-pleased “oh no xD”. So all 61 kids in the gold group sang happy birthday at me (and Mal made funny faces at me all the while, LOL) while I stood in the middle of the risers, not knowing what to do with myself. Lol. 

mentally this was not the greatest day for me—unless it was the day before. Anyway. That’ll get touched on later.

We went about the day as usual, though I iced my ankle a lot more because, well, it HURT a lot more. But then, at the end of the day, we had a HUGE water balloon fight that was a ton of fun. My sister slipped and fell in the mud (hahahhahahaaaaaa) and people dumped trash cans full of water on my director. Poor guy was soaked to the bone xD my cousin surprised me with Kit Kats and a happy birthday card and hug at the end of the day  

then we went home and ate cupcakes and did gifts (a few of note were as follows: genuine leather bound sketchbook embossed with dragons; fantasy tunic, skirt, and corset/stays; and a hundred thousand Kit Kats and art supplies.)

And then we slept!

well… everyone else did. Lol.

This has actually been a lot better lately. Things have been 110% more chill. My mom has been quieter, less condescending, more understanding—almost gentler. My parents have been more lenient with what we can do and we’ve had more friends over. My older brother is gone a lot, and when he’s around, he’s worn out from biking so he’s not as… you know. Antagonistic. My little brother still annoys the actual heck out of me, but he’s 8. Like what can you do xD

anyways yes. Also my parents are getting me a therapist and I got some anxiety meds to take when I can feel myself getting ramped up. I’d also be getting depression medication if I hadn’t lied on the test.

…whoops.

To be honest, this thing HURTS. A lot. Every day. I’m likely going to be put in a cast and given either a knee roller (heaven help me, I don’t need to be THAT freshman) or crutches (please please please not the knee roller). This is problematic because SCATS choreo week is two weeks from now, and if I can’t dance… I will physically die out of sads. And stress. And overwhelm. 

Hmmm.

I’ve been better and worse lately. There was one day at show choir camp that wore me out a lot, and I don’t know what all it was, but… it was BAD. Bad bad bad bad bad. Like suicidal thoughts bad. Sometimes I still get random impulses or thoughts but I’ve blocked them out enough that it’s easy now.

some days I feel worthless and ugly and crappy and idiotic.

other days I feel happy and beautiful and smart and talented.

it honestly just depends.

it makes me wonder if this is regular depression or bipolar. 

I lied on the form the doctor gave me to see if I had depression. I still scored pretty high, but not “high enough” on the right questions for it to be considered neurochemical. But then again, of course, I lied. I’d be getting meds for it if she knew I’d hurt myself before, let alone that it had become a habit. And that I’d had suicidal thoughts. And my mom would have absolutely grilled me.

But I didn’t tell the truth, and some days I’m glad. Some days I’m mad about it. Yesterday I laid on the kitchen floor by the window with Oslo on my lap and told myself over and over and over that I was a bad person for making stupid mistakes and all the lying.

my appetite has also been bad lately. Dinner today was the first time in five days I’ve drank water. I’m rarely hungry, but when I am, I crave sweets. I can’t go on like this.

I still obviously need help, but I think therapy will help me work some of this out and help me summon the courage to talk to my parents about the self-harm. 

wish me luck.

*pants*

I WAS SO SCUDDING SCARED I THOUGHT I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY

And I wasn’t even going to get on the shard today either 

BUT IM SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE NOW I CAN SAY HAPPY SCUDDING BIRTHDAY YOU LITTLE… *tries to think of any Cosmere term to fill blank but comes back empty*

But all chaos aside, Calano, you are rare. People like you are rare. People who care infinitely with no strings attached, people who make one feel worthy of love and respect. (Gawsh, I’m already butchering this )

You we’re always there for me. When things got rough, suddenly you were there. Your incredible words have made me smile and laugh and cry. You make me feel like I am not alone. Thank you.

Ykw we’re gonna do an acrostic poem yup here we go

Caring (this little word bugs me because it really doesn’t—can’t—say enough)

Acceptant (of any and all)

Loving/light-hearted (especially when speaking of Luna)

Aspiring (and inspiring, for that matter)

Non-judgemental

O… o… oh well. I don’t have a dictionary and I can’t think of a word that starts with O to describe someone as incredible as you.  

Anyway, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPPPPYYYYY BIRTHDAY!!! To another year!!!  

-Your adopted sister, Kajsa <3