Turin Turambar

P1 - so her dad's an archangel. That's really cool. P2 - I feel like I'd like to hear her conversation with her grandfather. P4 - grandmpa...nun?!?! P5 - "in a long time" - now I'm really confused as to her families genealogy. P7 - I try not to do a real line edit, but "but the most unsettling part, though, lay" P8 - the paragraph about telepathy seems shoehorned in here. P8 - shoot me down if you'd like, but can you come up with something cooler than hybrid, or ignore the parts, and call them only a hybrid, as in a race. P8 - does she need sleep at all? P11 - I don't feel the emotion I'd expect her to feel when preventing her grandfather from dying. P11 - "Evanstar" - nice reference

Hi p1-p2 - infodump. It isn't too long, but is a bit distracting. p2 - so they'd just let her roam around at this point? p3 - don't the theriothropes have different name than their un-uplifted counterparts? p6 - conversation about breaking the law with P seems stilted. p6 - how does she not know the job that she's in charge of? p10 -ohh p11 - isn't this the definition of nondisclosure? p13 - I doubt P would say 'nibble' p13 - are they really all that patriotic? It's starting to feel like it's being rubbed in my face. p13 - how would they know to offer her the restaurant back? p15 - the internal monologue begins to lose me. p18 - so the first thing she does after signing a nondisclosure agreement - is tell people. Overall: I liked the scene - things happen! Still there's too much internal monologue for this scene to flow IMO. Unless the all of her thoughts are later important? But even if they are, I feel like she was thinking the same things over and over.

Hi, So angels are people enough to live a "mortal life"? Dialogue on page 3 feels stilted. Gets better soon after though. As a whole, I like the whole thing with the telepathy. I really need to learn to do more thorough Alpha critiques.

Hi I'm only going to agree that this chapter could use a ton of work because you said it first. 1) perhaps try to do the restaurant scene as a flashback? It may be cheap, but perhaps if you slip in some detail about the beginning of the black kings assaults, it may work out. 2) there tends to be - erm - easily available work specifically for desperate women. I think it would be the opposite of the tone of the book right now 3) if the castle would require her, they wouldn't leave a note, they'd send guards, and if she wasn't there, the guards would wait. Probably.

Hi and welcome back! That's one of the most interesting openings I've ever seen. It was radical enough to nearly throw me off, but worked out. While I felt for L, I didn't care about her, merely her situation which is...interesting? I also have no idea why she doesn't run at that point to save her child. At the same time, I appreciate her death; I get the feeling that most authors would give the protagonist plot armor, and this situation warranted the death. Again, welcome back, and I look forward to the rest of the novel.

Hi 1) her father, one day - first comma throws me off 1) got hung over from healing someone - if this was shown, great! I can't remember if you did. Otherwise, it's still a cool detail, but probably should be shown. 1) intent gaze - intense gaze 2) M's didn't - it's unclear. perhaps M didn't? 5) flirty - flirtatious? (if I spelled that right) 6) you have any clue about the supernatural - I'm not sure a person would say that with such conviction - most people would try to phrase it as if they don't believe it so people don't thin that they're insane. This part sounds stilted. 9) like a frozen computer - that analogy doesn't fit how I picture M 9) small of it made her - ? what's that supposed to mean? 10) <> - first time I've ever seen that! : ) 11) ships' - what's with the apostrophe 11) new friends - one day is awfully fast for making friends. unless the time span is longer? 12) it was less time than she - I'm having trouble following this sentence. I have the time and energy to do a line edit here, but I don't usually do them so I hope this was helpful. Overall, I like the pacing of the two separate chapters more than before, but the party seemed glossed over and could have used more detail.

I can totally imagine a mature teenager saying/thinking that.

hi Would there be issues of mixed dining, say a person would be offended that a dragon orders lightly roasted maidens and all that? Also, I like the POV of A, he seems like he's in control and is plucky. pg 1 - back pain would follow - so chiropractors are in high demand and rich? pg 4 - Gun! - is she throwing herself in front of the unicorn, or is she getting out of the way? pg 6 - fire was crawling up - I think that's passive voice, but I'm not even sure if I can identify passive voice so take this with a carton of salt.

Hi I like the first paragraph with the Crunches interspersed between each sentence. It flowed well and carried weight. pg 1 - scabbard strapped to her thigh - if she's been wearing a dagger for any length of time, and I assume she has, wouldn't she have callused over? pg 1 - I can't I wont - the dialogue tag there repeats itself pg 2 - leave the human alone - this line makes me cringe inside. Why doesn't she just attack; why does she waste her element of surprise

What time?

Hi, I really like her character - I have a feeling that she and I are going to get along great. Plus, being part half everything magical part psych is really cool. Mi seemed a bit cardboard, but that might just be me. I did get confused with the whole pronoun thing at the beginning, and didn't catch on until page 10.

Thanks.

Hey, I don't know where else to ask this, but is there a thread or a way to post about overarching plots, writing excuses stuff but not actual chapters, etc.

Hello! 1) Excellent first line. 2) This may have been intentional, but here there was a lot of showing, and honestly, I'm not invested in I (the character, not a type) enough to care yet. 3) The same applies for her sisters joining. I understand that people in world would care, but I don't. I don't see what difference this BK matters at this point. They all seem fine. 4) In war or right after a war, wouldn't there be shortages of just about everything? the restaurant seems fine, and the family might lack a little, but they still have firewood, water that can easily be purified and enough supplies to make food on a consistent basis. Please tell me if any of my critiques are unfounded.

Once we're going on writing experience, I've completed a rough draft of one novel with a friend for NaNoWriMo, and am currently trying to write another which will hopefully end up under the lens of reading excuses.

Of Author and Agents (a riff on "of mice and men") I hope that makes sense for a thread name.

I don't think it's ever revealed entirely how the magic system works. There are tidbits sprinkled throughout the series, though.

Even so, she's got several centuries to figure it out, if she can buy herself that long. And worst case scenario, they fortify Far Madding or a Stedding with or without a dreamspike. Have some paralis nets to set up any necessary channeling defenses, and some walls (especially when made of cuendillar) should do something against most armies.

OK, this is going to be a full spoiler post. So a couple of days ago I was considering how the "known world" (basically the whole mainland MINUS the Seanchan) would fight off the Seanchan, given that just about everyone considers it an inevitability. The Seanchan have a number of advantages, including huge numbers of channelers, and the ability to steal opponents channelers. With this in mind, it's possible for the rest of the world to prevent any invasion at all from the Seanchan. First, remove Mat. you could even wait for him to die, if you can stall the conflict long enough. You probably can use the time before the conflict to prepare, anyways. Mat with all of his memories would probably be enough to skew the whole conflict though, and that's an advantage that cannot be left alone. Second, get Elayne LOTS of angreal. Very specific ones. She would need to create a fixed dreamspike, focused on wherever (let's assume that we're only trying the defend Caemlyn for the moment). Next, have Elayne build a series of guardians around Caemlyn like there is around Far Madding, which now neutralizes channeling entirely. If you want, you could build in little passes to ignore the system. I know that that's possible, because the person who is bonded to the dreamspike can still make gateways. Instead of having a person bond the dreamspikes, perhaps create little amulet angreal that if they are bonded to aes sedai or asha'man like warders, they let a person ignore the effects of the guardians and dreamspikes. For basic physical deterrants, just beef up the wall, perhaps turning large swathes of it into cuendillar Next, for offensive capability, create a series of tied off gates that can be moved via a series of levers. Put these gateways outside, but make sure that they are portable, like deathgates except maneuverable. The side in Caemlyn should be locked in size and mostly in place. Back the ground underneath and directly behind in Cuendillar so nothing can get in. Then, position rows of archers behind the portal on the Caemlyn side. With these innovations, you've taken control of channeling, and created a series of highly mobile strike forces that can't really be touched by anything. Tell me what you think.

Sorry about that! I didn't realize it would be a problem.

Pg.5 - He spent many long nights ... in equal measure Pg. 7 - The prince looked at his loves, (plural) Pg. 8 - And if, occasionally, the prince’s favorite horse ... the way he doted on it? Pg. 8 - two mares... with a stallion None of this is hard proof, but it does seem an indication.

I could have misread it, but I got the impression that the Prince knew what was going on.

Now that Aes Sedai and Asha'man know (or at least Pevara and Androl do) that bonding each other leads to heightened warder bonds, control of the opposite saidar/saidin without a circle and telepathy, will it become common? What are the practical applications? Will the Aes Sedai and Asha'man be able to overcome their natural prejudice?

Interesting stoy. I'm not going to critique much, as I'm not fluent enough in fairy tale to do so, but I liked it. Did your dream come from a rather literal take on Animal-Groom (Whatever the actual term is)?

After thinking a bit, I was wondering: what's the reason for the love triangle? I couldn't think of one, especially because he doesn't even "resolve" it. They just all agree to "share" him? J