JWerner

Holy mother, constructive feedback! Finally! You have no idea how long I've waited for someone to tell me straight that my writing is flawed. In all my years of creative writing, I seriously have never gotten a critique this extensive and in-depth. Not once. It's a breath of fresh air. I'll take all your feedback into account and use it to improve the excerpt, as well as keeping everything you've said in mind for future editing on the rest of the draft. It's all extremely helpful. I knew that the work wasn't exactly up to snuff, but it's great to finally get an outside perspective on why. I'm not sure if it's bad form to respond to criticism, so I ask: Is it all right if I say something about your point on the italics?

Hello, This be my thread for The Scarlet Saber, my first novel. I've been working on this bugger for about three years now (not constantly) and it has proven to simultaneously be a joy and an incredible thorn in my side. I have had this thing professionally edited and read by a screenwriter, but I am most interested to hear all of your feedback, since I assume (considering whom the site is in tribute to) that most of you read fantasy. What you have is chapter 1 of my fourth-something draft. You do not have to point out spelling or grammatical mistakes to me, as I believe I will eventually find those anyway. I'm most interested in stuff like characterization, dialogue, world-building, pacing, all that good stuff that makes a book fun. I implore you to give me your honest opinion(s), even you think my work is not up to snuff. Tell me if there's stuff you think is nonsensical or stupid. I spent too many years writing embarrassing garbage and getting next to no criticism from beta-readers, which tricked me into thinking I was a good writer when in actuality, they just didn't have the heart to tell me I stank. With that said, I hope you enjoy this story.

Hi all. So, first off, apologies for sending my bit in early. Second of all, even more apologies, but I'm going to have to resubmit it tomorrow because I found a continuity error that I had to edit out. I'm still not quite sure how the submission process works, but if you have all received my bit already and are bothered by such egregious, damning errors like a character being described as hairless and then suddenly having hair, I would refrain from reading it.

I guess my first question would be—having not read the first part—is this cyberpunk plus steampunk? Blasters and holograms suggest cyberpunk, and the repeated description of the machinery having pistons implies to me that it's steampunk. Also, what kind of perspective are you trying to use here? It mostly feels like a restrained 3rd person, confined to E, but sometimes there are moments of omniscience that clash with this. Also, there were quite a few spelling and grammatical mistakes present. If you want, I can send you a version of the file with them highlighted. Here are some notes I wrote while reading. pg. 2 -E's sudden noticing of the mouse drone is quite abrupt. I'd at least add a sentence before "E held a hand out" like "A gray blur darted out of the corner of her vision." It would make the transition between "U opened her mouth to answer" and "E held a hand out" smoother. pg. 3 -"They darted around a cluster of young people tripping over gowns as they ran towards the castle." I do not think this is important enough to warrant being a single-sentence paragraph. I would combine it with the subsequent sentence. -"R rushed towards J and caught him in a hug." Unless these two know each other intimately, "caught him in his arms" might be more fitting than "hug." -“The uniform is all that’s damaged, and the blood isn’t mine.” This comes across as stilted; I would convey this information in a different manner. Ex: Having him say, "I'm not injured," and then letting E figure out that it's not his blood. -"E clicked the rings on their index fingers together, projecting holographic schematics of all the bots in the area." That's a cool image, projecting holograms via rings. pg. 4 -"“They jammed our comms once they realized we’d spotted them,” said J." If the bad guys were going to attack the good guys, why would they wait until they were spotted to jam their comms? -"R patted J on the back and jogged towards the castle walls. Those injured were lead away on stretchers that had folded out of the med bots. J and the others who had been on ranger duty with him remained with E." I'd combine these into a single paragraph; again, they're not important enough on their own to warrant being their own separate paragraphs. -"One could only access them from the control room and a handful of panels throughout the secret tunnels and passageways." Who exactly are these tunnels and passageways secret to, if there are panels installed in them? Could you clarify this, please? -“This is U, the person you all came to see.” Does she really need to tell them that? pg. 5 and 6 -“E, none of them are responsible for the mouse drones.” U stepped forward and put a hand on E's metal-clad shoulder. “How do you know that?” asked E. I feel like E should not be realizing U actually knows who's responsible quickly. She should be taking it as U being combative, and then U needs to hammer it home that she knows who was responsible. If that makes sense. pg. 6 -"U's words just didn’t make sense." But they do make sense. I think that you should emphasize that E is feeling disbelief, rather than confusion. -"A bot dropped a helmet on their head, so U didn’t see E’s lip curl into a snarl." I feel like E is accepting this information as true way too fast. -"E shook their head, but it accomplished nothing." This reads awkwardly. In my opinion, "E could barely believe it" would be punchier. pg. 7 -The dialogue preceding "TWO HOSTILE BOTS" is in need of attribution. pg. 9 -"That was too easy." And too quick! A mechanical dragon swoops in on the attack, and it only gets one sentence? I feel something as cool and metal as that needs, at minimum, one paragraph. And E's sentiment on the easiness of its defeat would hit home better if you went into more detail with how the bot was destroyed. -"“Are anyone’s comms working?” They shouted through their helmets microphone. A volley of no echoed all around E." I am confused here. Is E amplifying their voice and all the guards are shouting 'no', or is E shouting into their comm mic and is only being greeted with silence? -"Panic was ice shooting through E’s veins." I'd change this to "Icy panic shot through E's veins." -"E assigned half the guards to program the drones and provided coordinates for entrances to the tunnels. “J, your three rangers, and the senior officers are coming with me to location 53.” E pointed towards a small opening in the trees at the edge of the garden and ran." I think this should be one paragraph. Also, how did E do this if the comms are out? pg. 10 -"R skidded to a halt beside E." Huh? Where'd he come from? -"Their saliva slowly sank into the dirt, hitting a DNA sensor installed after a group of hostiles had infiltrated the tunnel." I feel like the history of the DNA sensor is unnecessary. pg. 11 -"“Sorry,” E said to J and the other guards. E kept walking, hoping they’d find U, leading everyone out of the castle. There was no sign of the N down here, but there were no fleeing survivors either, just ghosts and memories E wasn’t ready to face." I feel like this all ought to be one paragraph. -Your transition into the flashback is incredibly abrupt. I'd either describe it as E remembering the event (Ex: "E grit their teeth as memories of rebounding screams pierced their mind") or separate it with a paragraph break. pg. 12 -"Grappling, punches and kicks blurred, then E got a knife between the person’s ribs." Wouldn't it be simpler to say that E stabbed the assailant in the ribs? pg. 17 -"R, still in his party clothes because he was just in a control tower, not engaging in combat," An instance of my confusion of the perspective. Would E really know all this info?

Hello, I'm JWerner, I've been writing for a while now. At the moment, I'm researching how to participate with this forum because I have a fantasy novel (about 130,000 words) that I wrote three years ago and have been editing off-and-on since. I think it's on the fourth or so draft by now, and only two people have read the whole thing, so I'm looking to get more feedback on it. Other than that, I've also completed a first draft of a YA soft-sci-fi western novel and am currently trying to juggle several other projects: two fantasy novellas, a re-write of my first (and last) NaNoWriMo project, and just for funsies, a screenplay adaptation of the Final Empire (I'm only five pages in and I don't expect to be finished with it any time soon).

damnation, awesome Inquisitor sketches.

Farcett, Mennis. "Steelpush Skateboards Announces Plastic Axles to Combat Delinquent Coinshots." The Elendel Daily 6th of Dox. 480: B1. Print. It's possible, right?

Greetings! I did a sketch. I was thinking the other day what Mistborn Era 3 might end up being like, and then it hit me: Allomancy-powered skateboarding. I'm still practicing as an artist, so yeah, I apologize for the sketch itself not being of the greatest quality. If anyone wants to give me a scathing critique, I be all ears. Oh, and credit to SenshiStock for the pose: https://www.deviantart.com/senshistock/art/Test-Shot-Aug-2012-Shoot-318955463. I'd be lost without her.

Trace it all back to That lost place of serpent's steel, The white world of God.

I read Infinity Blade: Redemption to keep up with the series' story before Infinity Blade III. It was a good e-novella, but Brandon slipped off my radar for a good four years afterwards. When I decided I needed a new fantasy series to read, I tried The Way of Kings, but it didn't quite take with me. It was when I got The Final Empire from a used bookstore that really made me a fan of his work, and I managed to read all the canon Cosmere within about eight or so months.

Thanks! Vagabond is definitely the most similar. It is also a historical seinen series with impressive art and a protagonist who goes on a somewhat similar journey of self-discovery.

Thank you! I have no doubt I will.

Yello, Bit of a disclaimer. Yes, I know Brandon did not create Infinity Blade. He did, however, contribute substantially to its lore, story and characters through his two novellas set in the series—Infinity Blade: Redemption was the first book of his I read. So I thought I'd write an Infinity Blade story (with a wee bit of Cosmere tossed in for good measure). Now, I've only got chapter 1 finished at the moment, but the rest is planned and I do intend on writing it—should only be about 4-5 chapters total. The story, for those of you who played the games, takes place AFTER Infinity Blade III. Yeah, it's kinda limiting in that regard. Apologies. If you do happen to read it, feel free to give me whatever criticism you can think of; I'm always looking to improve as a writer. With that, I hope you enjoy. The Eye of Galath—Chapter 1.pdf

Thank you!

Thanks! I do indeed like chocolate. Hm...it's a toss-up between Raoden and Wayne. Nowadays, I'm trying to go through as many of my local library's comics and manga as humanly possible. My favorite discovery was undoubtedly Vinland Saga.

Nnyello, fellow Sanderson fans. Moniker's JWerner, happy to be here. Got into Mr. Sanderson's works several months back; I've read most Mistborn-related schtuff, Elantris, Vol. 1 of White Sand (which I happened to read AT White Sands, NM), and I am currently making my way through The Way of Kings. The very first thing I read from him, however, was the second Infinity Blade novella. And so because I felt like it, I'm writing an Infinity Blade fan-fic right now that has a wee bit of Cosmere thrown into it. Now, I have a feeling that's probably been done before, but...ah well. Might post it somewhere, might not. Anyhoo, looking forward to getting to know some of ya.