JWerner

I don't have much in the way of feedback for this submission. I do think one thing to keep an eye is just how much info-dumping there is about how the world works. It really slows the pace down. In other words, more showing, less telling, please. Other than that, good job. Notes below: Pg. 2 "So I might be safe from your allies, bit have become a target of your enemies?"—First clause is fine, second feels clunky. I'd take another look at it. Pg. 3 I'm not seeing why P and A are romantically attracted to each other. I'm not getting much of a spark. Pg. 4 I like the creature name you have here. Feels like something you'd find in a fairy tale. Pg. 5 'P had never been great at stealth, and they'd probably gotten worse since in the human world, as an academic success coach at the community college, they'd never really had to be stealthy.'—I'd split this into two sentences. Pg. 6 'Going out into the halls at night went again much that P had been taught in faerie...'—Not sure what you're trying to say here. I'd rephrase. Pg. 7 '...speaking for the first time in what felt like a while but was probably only five minutes.'—I'd recommend deleting the bolded portion. It feels cheesy to me. Pg. 8 & 9 P's old name is on both pages.

All of the problems from previous submissions are still here. Clashing tones, lots of punctuation and other writing mistakes, clunky dialogue. And the plot feels, for the most part, like it's spinning its wheels; there's so much repetition. More eye-rolling. More torture scenes that don't seem to have any real traumatizing effect on J. More eyeballing bad food. More empty threats of death and doom. I sincerely encourage you to take some extra time for your next submission and take our feedback into account. Say your dialogue out loud. Give actions time to breathe. Reflect on what a real person's reaction would be to circumstances like these. Reach out for help if you're willing to. Notes below: Pg. 2 "We'll relocate the remainder to the compound."—I would not recommend Nazi parallels unless you are confident that you can treat topics like genocide and concentration camps with the necessary skill, nuance, and seriousness. Pg. 3 "Can you make sure my girlfriend and her family are on the list of the ones we keep?"—Wow, he went from defending the un-g to screwing them over in, what, ten seconds? Pg. 4 "I'm sure the three of us can figure something out."—Really? The three of them are going to come up with something that will stop a genocidal plan? I don't buy it. 'I pick up my pillow and scream into it, then I turn to F. "Thanks for your help, but I'd like to be alone right now."' Major emotional whiplash right here. Pg. 6 J's revealing of an impending genocide should have a much greater reaction than one character gasping. Pg. 7 "What's she doing?" "Concocting a plan." "Silence, I'm thinking."—I doubt that children would talk like this. The part where J eats the crappy food might be the most relatable, genuine thing that's happened so far. The story would improve a lot if you gave, say, her realizing her family is in mortal peril this degree of detail and pacing. "I've got the beginnings of a plan. Let's wait the discuss it."—Why? Why not brainstorm right now? Pg. 8 "Won't we get in trouble if we're caught sneaking about?"—She's snuck about already, why is she worried about that now? N just got told that there's an impending genocide and she seems to be a lot more upset over not being given chocolate. Pg. 9 Pretty sure you need an actual eyeball for a retina scan. If this place's tech can be fooled with a picture—where would they get it from, anyway?—then that would continue to undermine what little threat the G currently have. Pg. 10 'I glance over at C and roll my eyes.'—Please, no more eye-rolling. Pg. 12 "I figured cutting off C's belt would be the easiest way to get it off her."—And probably the most conspicuous way to do it. I may be missing something about the Ts here, J is making some big logical leaps. Why can't everyone have been brought when they were young, and A when she was already old? Pg. 13 'I cross my arms...'—Someone's first reaction to be threatened with agonizing torture—that they've already experienced—should not be to cross their arms. Pg. 14 J kicking L in the groin is completely devoid of tension or emotion. This should be a triumphant, exhilarating moment. But it's very clinical in how it's written. It needs more emotion. "You shouldn't be celebrating. You've only made things worse for yourself."—How does she know J is celebrating? J hasn't done anything. 'I would laugh if I wasn't terrified.'—NOW she's terrified? That took a while. 'L, worried that a fifteen-year-old girl will kick him in the nuts.'—Of course he's worried, you literally just did that to him. Pg. 15 'Did my pain receptors overload or something?'—Not how pain receptors work. And I don't believe that J would be knowledgeable enough about pain receptors to make that mistaken assumption in the first place. Pg. 16 'Why did the pain stop so long before he stopped inflicting it?'—So at some point, the pain stopped, and he spent something like ten or so minutes thinking he was torturing her when he wasn't? Shouldn't her lying still for that long have tipped him off to the fact that something was wrong? 'I resist the urge to roll my eyes.'—Please give your character a trait other than this. She's going to cut off a belt with scissors?

Yup. There were way more at one point. I made concerted effort to cut down on them. It ruins her assignment bcause F is a conflict of interest; a journalist can't write a story about someone they know personally. Bit of an ethical no-no. Otherwise, no, the link wasn't affected. She just basically got taken outta the zone. Thank you both for your feedback! I might add a headline and byline to Q's story to make it a bit clearer that it's her article.

Hello, Here's chapter 4 and 5 for The Witch and the Ostrich. Last time, Q—journalist and witch—and her companion F—once a powerful necromancer, now an ostrich—made it into QW and discovered that the town is, putting it politely, a pit. After finding lodgings, Q heads over to the C, QW's gladiator pit, and takes some notes for her article. When she returns to the inn, she discovers, much to her pleasure, that F has been bird-napped. I hope you all enjoy this one, and I apologize for it being a bit over the limit. I did try to cut down as much fluff as I could. Also, bit of a content warning: Things get bloody. Nobody is safe. Kids included.

Seems to be a consensus here that chapter 3 drags, so I'll try and fix it up.

I'd like a slot for the 'morrow, please.

She is; I'm just using 'paw' as a synonym. Fair enough. I'm not sure I want to pivot and make Q go after F, because that's not really the characterization that I'm going for with her, and it would probably be difficult to reconcile with the rest of the story. But I'll definitely think about it. Basically, it happened offscreen during chapter 2, while B and J were in their tower. It's why Q and F are covered in ash (well, really soot). I'll try to make that clearer. I'll try to make that clearer too, but basically, as far as F is aware, Q is his only chance to turn back into a human. So he's keeping an eye on her. As for why Q keeps F around, again, that will be revealed further down the line. Thanks again for reading, everyone! I'll definitely address the mechanical mistakes (so sorry about that) and will probably adjust chapter 3's pacing. I'm hoping my next submission will convince you to keep up with the plot.

I'm not sure if it pulled me out necessarily, but it reminded me of the whole brouhaha around Attack on Titan. In case you haven't read it or were unaware, that story pivoted to a Holocaust analogue, complete with characters living in ghettos and wearing armbands. A significant portion of its readership felt that it was exploitative of history, and some interpreted it as the author being pro-fascist. Now, you may not have to worry about that because you don't have a built-in readership of millions already. But when you deal with these kinds of themes, you're pretty much expected to delve into it with as much care and respect as possible. And even if you do, there'll always people who think that you're not doing enough, or that you shouldn't be doing it to begin with. I'd recommend considering whether this is something you have the finesse or willingness to tackle. And if your answer is yes, then just be careful with how you treat the topic.

The major issues from the previous chapter are still here, and have already been mentioned. Terrible things are happening to these characters, and none of them act like it. J and co. are being tortured and re-educated, but still finds plenty of time to talk about candy and relationship drama. It makes what's happening to them impossible to take seriously. And it doesn't help that J isn't a very interesting character. She doesn't do anything. I feel like all she does is think about how much she wants to punch people. She's all talk/thought and no bite. She needs a purpose. She needs to act like a person actually would under her circumstances. She can't get tortured and go have lunch with her fellow prisoners and have a lively conversation with them about who her sister's dating. Plot-wise, this felt like a repeat of the last chapter. It hit pretty much all of the same plot beats: re-education, torture, lunch. Otherwise, there was no other forward momentum. As a reader, I'm really not interested in whether J's sister is dating the prez's kid. I don't think J should be either. She's being tortured. The punctuation still needs work. Dialogue isn't written like this: 'Greg sniffs, "That's a big building."' 'Nods' or 'grins' or whatever verbs followed by a comma is not how dialogue attribution works most of the time, which is what a lot of the dialogue looks like by using commas instead of periods. The correct version would be: 'Greg sniffs. "That's a big building."' Also, there are still plenty of errors throughout. Uncapitalized first words, missing periods, incorrect use of apostrophes (ex: the plural for reaper is reapers, not reaper's), periods being used where commas should be and vice versa. Robinski has already said something to this effect, but please check your documents before you submit them. I would really recommend taking some more time to work on your submissions before you submit. Take a week or two to really go over your work. Run it through a spell-checker. Have a friend read it and give you their thoughts. Read your dialogue aloud to check whether it's something someone would feasibly say. Notes below: Pg. 3 "Here's the deal. You cooperate, and your family is safe. You misbehave, and they die."—This is so evil that it comes across as goofy instead of genuinely threatening. J's immediate cry of "No!" doesn't help. 'Would he sinks so low as to resort to violence?'—Says the girl who's always thinking how much she wants to punch people. 'The gs are supposed to be perfect.'—Why is she still hung up on this? She already realized that they weren't last chapter. Pg. 6 'I pop one into my mouth and relish the sweetness.'—She seems awfully trusting for someone who was just recently tricked. Pg. 8 'The worst that can happen is that she gets reported.'—Considering the torture going on, no, it's not the worst thing that can happen. Pg. 11 'I cross my arms, "I'm not letting L punish me, and you can't make me."'—This sounds like something a toddler would say. Pg. 13 I do not see why F has latched on to J. Why does he care? Why is he trying to bond with her? Pg. 18 'Fs face falls, "Aren't you at least a little curious why the president and his son are here?"—Jeez dude, she just said no. Take the freakin' hint.

Read through this twice, and I think you're overall off to a good start. Visual and plot details are pretty clear. I'd agree with Mandamon that a clearer hook/direction is needed. The bit about the armbands immediately brought the Holocaust to my mind, so if that's what you're going for, I'd recommend being careful about how you treat the subject of prejudice towards an entire people. It's the type of topic where people expect you to tackle it with care and insight. Notes below: Pg. 1 '...he subtly thickened the calluses on his hands...'—I think you can take out the bit about it being subtle. I can't imagine what un-subtle callus-thickening would be like. 'a breeze brought in the scent of the bay...'—I'd describe what the bay smells like. Overall, the pier is very easy to visualize. Well done on the sensory detail. 'One slip-up, and it was all over for him.'—"All over for him" sounds a bit generic. I'd try to specify the potential consequences. Pg. 2 'One of the many names his client had supplied to him.'—If D wants people to believe A’s disguise, wouldn’t he at least tell him about people like B, so as to not risk giving away the illusion? D seems somewhat careless otherwise. Pg. 3 I'd give some more detail about the detained m, other than the fact that they're young. Pg. 4 'Shackled?'—Not sure why that's supposed to be surprising. The m is clearly being detained. Pg. 7 A seems a lot older than 18. 'He felt bad about it of course...'—Why 'of course?' I don't think we've learned enough about A's sense of morality yet to earn an 'of course.' Pg. 8 'D's face peeked into the alley.'—I'd provide more description of D, personally. There's a fair amount of repetition of 'the man' over this page and the next. I'd just use D's name.

Hello, First off, sorry for not changing the date in the email; that's my bad. Anyhoo, here's the 2nd half of chapter 2, and all of chapter 3. Last time, Q—journalist and witch—and her companion F—once a powerful necromancer, now an ostrich—were heading to the town of QW to view its gladiator pit, the C, for uncertain reasons. They were jumped by two highwaymen along the way who quickly met their doom, and when Q discovers the highwaymen had passes to compete at the C, she gets a feeling that the place is desperate for combatants. After an explosive event within the forest they're traveling through, they're met at QW's front gate by B and J, two town watch whom Q bribes to let them into town. Hope you enjoy!

Thanks for reading everyone! I admit, the same-y-ness of the characters/dialogue is probably my biggest weakness as a writer. I'll see what I can do about that moving forward. I'll clarify that in edits. Yes. Q's a redhead. Replaced the squirrel line with: "It was like trying to convince an art critic that a painting of a tree was just a painting of a tree, and not a metaphor for the current state of political discourse or whatever bull----." If the nature of Q's job is still unclear in later chapters, please let me know. F's really just along for the ride. I removed the comma; for stylistic reasons, I didn't do italicized thoughts. It's something close. The dag-goo-row is B's way of saying daguerreotype. All will be revealed. In however many weeks from now.

Right now, I think the main thing you have going for you is your worldbuilding, because I can definitely see it developing. But right now, the YA, Giver-esque tropes are working against the story. Setting up a dystopian setting like this one automatically cues us in that the G (I think that ought to be capitalized, by the by) are the bad guys, so when the MC finally manages to figure that out for herself, there's a temptation to say, "Well, duh." Not only that, but her muted reactions to everything that's happening to her—lotta eye-rolling and eyebrow-raising—even after being tortured is undermining any tension you're trying to set up. She doesn't seem to think that much of what's happening to her, why should we? So far, her strongest reaction to anything is that she's upset that her sister likes boys. I would definitely recommend imagining yourself in this setting, and if you experienced the same things that the MC did, how would you feel? Incorporate that into the story to humanize her. Also, I would recommend making new paragraphs when you shift the focus to a new character or have another character start speaking. Otherwise, it gets confusing. I made line edits to this one, so if you want a PDF, lemme know. Notes below: Pg. 1: 'They get up and moving towards the door, somehow I know they're leaving too.'—I mean, why else would they use the door? '...my hand crashes through his with a crunch...'—Through his hand? That's a helluva punch. But then her fists connects with A's face. So her hand destroys his, then she clocks him? And it's the same punch? I know it's a dream, but goddamn. Pg. 2: "What. Did. You. Do. To. Me?"—Punctuating for emphasis like this is usually best used for conveying that a character is really pissed off, not groggy. I would punctuate this normally and keep "I say slowly." That'll get the info across. "I'm not letting you control me, you can't just manipulate me with your powers, not like A manipulated my sister."—I can't imagine a person saying something like this. If you want to make the MC sound defiant, I'd reconsider this dialogue. Pg. 3: 'A part of me wants to yell at J, and tell her that A was definitely using his powers to manipulate my sister.'—But she just did this. Minus the yelling. 'I know that's not it.'—Not it? Not it how? Pg. 4: 'Everyone in this crowd makes me frustrated...'—Already said that she's frustrated. 'It's not fair to the rest of us who have to actually try.'—Already said this too. 'The tornado rises in the distance, hungry, ready to devour.'—This is the former tornado enthusiast in me speaking; I think you can do more to sell just how pants-shittingly scary tornadoes are (let's see how the site censors that). 'It slides down my cheek...'—I'm not sure that's how gum works. Pg. 5: 'A shimmer-haired...'—What would that look like? 'I shouldn't be judging her yet, but I already don't like her.'—Uh, why not? C hasn’t said or done anything that would make them unlikable. C literally only has four details about her thus far. Hardly enough to make a judgment call. (Side note, there are multiple instances in this chapter where people purse their lips. I'd cut down on that.) Pg. 6 I think that overall, you could have a stronger end to this chapter. How’s the MC feeling? Exhausted? Scared? This moment would be better served as an instance for reflection. Pg. 7: I think that a silver marker would be very difficult to see on a whiteboard. Also, how is the text C writes bold if there's no other text? If it's the only text, it's just text. Pg. 8 'The g man glances around.'—Why? They're in a room, aren't they? '...hope starts to take root.'—I'd rephrase this. It's kinda corny. 'Maybe this man can help me escape the compound and get back to my family.'—I don't think this needs to be said directly. We can figure it out. Overall, this 'escape' doesn't have a lot of emotion or detail behind it. We're told that the MC is sprinting, but that's it. Are her lungs burning? Is she terrified? Is she imagining what the outside world will taste like after captivity? Pg. 9 "Why don't you open the door and find out."—In hindsight, this probably ought to have tipped her off that she was being tricked. 'I roll my eyes...'—Again, undercutting the tension. Why does the g who tricked her vanish? He was in on it, so why does he need to pull a Batman? "If it's needless to say that I failed, why did you tell me I failed? Seems a bit contradictory to me."—This seems like too muted of a reaction to being tricked after being given hope of escape. Pg. 10 'I roll my eyes, but raise my wrist.'—You'd think that the eye-rolling would lead to another reprimand. "But why?"—She literally just told you why. Pg. 11 'Maybe this is where I have to clean toilets.'—It's pretty obvious that she's about to be tortured. Pg. 12 'The man snaps his hands into fists.'—How do hands 'snap' into fists? 'I can't see anything, all I can feel is pain.'—I would add some more sensory detail about the torture. Otherwise, we're very detached from it. 'I don't think I'm standing anymore. I writhe on the floor...'—You can probably take out the bit about her standing, since you give us the answer next sentence. 'I hurry to my feet, hurrying to obey lest he subject me to the agony again.'—Cut out one 'hurry'. Also, this comes across as a bit too formal. The MC's realization about the gifted feels very awkward. And again, considering the authoritarian, dystopian setting allows us to draw these conclusions ourselves, it makes the MC seem kind of dim when it takes her this long to figure things out. Pg. 13 'As time goes on...'—I would specify how long she was in there for. Pg. 14 'There shouldn't even be this many Triported here...'—Why not? '...most of the Triported look around my age, give or take five years.'—Already mentioned that they look young. '...there's at least fifty. This doesn't make sense.'—Again, why not? Pg. 15 '...I can see their ribs through their pale blue T-shirts.'—The shirts would have to be either extremely tight or practically transparent for her to see that. Pg. 17 I hope that R's title is meant to be these kids' way of taking the piss out of R. If not, I'd seriously reconsider coming up with a new name for the dude, because 'The Lord of S' isn't exactly an intimidating moniker. 'She's the only T that looks a day over twenty.'—This implies that she looks twenty. 'C' smile annoys me.' That seems like a pretty trivial emotion to be having right now, seeing as how C just had her tortured.

I'd like to submit for tomorrow, please.

I haven't read the earlier chapters, so I was very lost. Because of that, I don't have a whole lot of feedback for you, I'm afraid. I did make some line edits in the Word version; if you want me to send you a PDF with tracked changes, shoot me message. I think that, overall, you have a good sense of setting, and it's obvious that you're trying to develop a specific culture for the fae. Interested to see where you go with that. Though I would also recommend on focusing on your characters, to make them more distinct from each other and to give them a stronger sense of emotional investment in what's going on around them, if that makes any sense. Also, something I noticed was that C didn't have consistent pronouns. Was that intentional? Light notes below: Pg. 1 "Who needed cell phones when you could enchant mirrors to work two ways."—I get what you're saying, but I feel like you can say something stronger than just 'work two ways' Pg. 2 "It definitely came from a steed."—Why definitely? I'd add some analysis from P's end. "Though I imagine my guard’s beings are smart enough to take out the rarest color steed if they’re betraying me."—No idea what A is saying here. “Unless they did on purpose, to send you a message,” C said with a bright grin.—Why is C grinning? Not picking up any emotional cues here. Pg. 3 "Sometimes P hated humans too."—This seems like a childish sentiment. How old is P supposed to be?

Hello everyone, Happy to be back, thanks for reading. This is an adult-oriented fantasy novella I finished a draft of recently. Right now, my biggest concerns are fairly standard. Is it easy to follow the scenes? Do you know what's going on? Do you have a sense of place, of atmosphere? Are the characters vivid? Also, this is my attempt at writing comedy. So if you hit a joke or gag that's just downright not funny, lemme know and I'll see if I can fix it. Let me know if you think anything else could use improvement. I've decided that I just want to have something published, so I'd like to make sure that this is in the best shape it can be before it's out there in the world. Thanks in advance for reading!

Hi. I'd like to submit for Monday, please (also, may I be put back on the email list?).

The first-person narration was definitely well-done. I didn't notice any instances where it verged into past-tense. i strongly dislike this protagonist. Which I am sure has nothing to do with how J reminds me way too much of how I tried to convince people on the first fandom forum I perused for several years how much of an edgy teenager I was. Yes indeed, absolutely nothing. If this is an angle you're intentionally going for, by all means, play to it. Though our edge-lord protag trying to convince us of how edgy they are exposes what I think is this story intro's central problem. From J's edgelord act to the expository dialogue, there's an over-reliance of telling, with little showing. Though I think in this case, it can possibly be overlooked if you're aiming for 5k words, max. But the dialogue suffers as a consequence, coming off as overly expository and stiff. If you can tip the scales of this imbalance, I think it would do wonders for the story. Line by lines notes (and bolded suggestions) below: Pg. 1, par. 1: "But not really because I'm not old enough to have old friends."—I wouldn't use two negatives in the same sentence. I suggest: "Then again, I'm not old enough to have old friends. I act all flattered, but in my head, I know that's utter crem dung.—Something I feel is worth noting is that J's language comes across as somewhat elevated, with the lack of contractions and non-conversational vocab. I think if you edit the language to make it more conversational, it would make them seem more like an actual teenager. Pg. 1, par. 4: "I'm an awkward, anxious, angsty asshole..."—Example of where we need to be shown, not told. Pg. 3, par. 3: "Like Medusa, they've turned me into stone."—I think having J talk immediately after this line undercuts its sentiment. Pg. 4, par. 4: "They lean forward, passing my yearning lips with their own brushing my ear..." Pg. 5 par. 4: "Righteous warmth pools in my stomach and floods my body."—What's righteous warmth? Pg. 5, par. 7: "...all I feel are their lips and their warmth and that satirisation of just..." That what now?

Hi Kais, sure thing. Would you like the version that was already sent, or the new update that accounts for some of the above suggestions?

Many thanks to everyone who read the story! I'm going to take the remaining edits and suggestions into consideration when I do my last edit. (Thanks especially to Robinski for the in-depth look at the language.)

Quick run down: Same story as last week, but with feedback edits. Most are focused around the ending. For those who haven't read it yet, be forewarned: the story contains a suicide. Right, if you haven't read it yet, I hope you enjoy it. If you have, I hope you find it improved.

I would also like to submit my story's additions/revisions for Sept. 21, pleas.e

Note: Every time you have a paragraph break, make sure the first paragraph after that is aligned with the left margin, not indented. Also, in instances where dialogue is cut off by an n-dash, I'd replace those with m-dashes. Also, Jaisom's dialogue could use more contractions. If you're trying to make him sound stiff and formal, then I'd remove them altogether. The mix is somewhat distracting, and makes his dialogue seem unnatural. I really liked the sensory details of your world. It feels quite lived-in. Everyone else's advice on your portrayal of politics is something I think you really ought to listen to and consider. Notes below, corrections in bold: Pg. 1: Rain poured down from a sky painted in a million shades of grey.—How many E.L. James sequels is that? People placed odd little creations...cascade of sounds.—Loved this detail. Pg. 2: “And she has more hair on her head than a horse,” P berated for incompetence, stripped of her position and demoted. Pg. 4: Small glass beads were sewn here and there to give a sensation of water droplets.—I'd replace 'sensation' with 'illusion.' Had her nerves not been getting the best of her—I'd reword this as 'If it weren't for her nerves' ...she would have definitely found.... Pg. 6: I can quiet them, but I would really not like to.—I'd italicize 'really', because this bit of dialogue feels stiffly worded. I gratefully accepted it and—Removed comma. Pg. 7: ...sparkling with prosperous olive trees of jade and polished wood...—Huh? Are they fake olive trees? Nearly-translucent—Note: It's grammatically incorrect to add a dash after a word ending with 'ly' Pg. 8: He was dressed in flowing midnight blue silk, imported from half a... Instead, he turned his golden eyes to the stage, to see the wonders of music, dance, and poetry.—Since this is the BK's POV, I would not mention his eye-color. It feels weird that a character would mention their own physical traits. Also, I haven't read much else of this story, but be careful about gold/yellow eyes. Take it from someone who's been guilty of this: if your character isn't Scut Farkus-levels of evil, it's a Mary Sue flag. Pg. 9: ...but instead her jaw was set like someone who knew what they had to do and wanted to do it perfectly.—Deleted comma. Pg. 11: The success of the S of R burned like a lantern inside her.—I'd replace with 'torch.' A lantern isn't exactly supposed to burn that brightly. Pg. 12: "Sounds perfect. Should I bring anything?" I thought. “A cask of wine?” “I can do that.”—I like this dialogue. Feels natural. Pg. 14: ...and the larger the gathering, the more the fun to be had... Pg. 17: ...how playing a twelve-note ocarina was similar to the pendant ocarina. ...from T by the fifty-mile wide... Pg. 19: J said, equally strongly—Replace one of the last two words, so that the sentence isn't ending with two words that end in 'ly.' Pg. 21: …” he said, “but I know..." But he takes creatures trying to overthrow him with deadly seriousness.—Removed 'like' Pg. 22: S doesn’t exactly stay calm when it comes to the matters of this country!—I'd reword this dialogue to make it sound a little more natural. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken the bait. I'm sorry I didn't listen."—I don't think he should apologize that quickly. It doesn't feel earned. “They’re risk-takers.

First off, I'd cut down on the use of the word 'slime.' It shows up over 20 times in this chapter. I'm not sure it's wholly necessary to keep reminding the reader of it. The fragmented dialogue is enough to remind us of its presence and its effect on M. Also, I think the dialogue could use another pass. Reading how these characters talk, very little of it seems to me like how actual people would talk. It's somewhat stilted, and could use some more flavor and personality. I didn't see much difference, if any, in the way that A and T talked. I recommend looking to the real people in your life, listening to how they speak, and seeing if you can apply their patterns and vernacular to your characters. To answer your questions, yes, it's obvious that M's was affected by her fight. But I don't know why she's gravitating towards A and T. Neither of them seem all that particularly interesting. I'm not sensing any chemistry. At least Mi seems to have an interesting past. (Though bear in mind, this is only the second chapter of this story that I've read, so take that thought with a grain of salt.) Notes below. Corrections in spelling and grammar are bolded. Pg. 2: "The trail tilted until water..." Pg. 3: “You’re hurt. What happened?” She reached for his pocket. Didn’t move to touch her shirt.—I'd personally leave out 'move to' Pg. 4 “M, you hate parties. That's why you didn't come to begin with."—I'd add that there's some kind of note of disbelief in his voice. Otherwise, dialogue's expository nature is noticeable. Pg. 5: "Not really, but I'm safe. I think."—There are subtle changes in M's dialogue here and there where she becomes more articulate. Why? I'd note this at least once. Might be interesting. "What did you say?" Mi gasped, face turning pale, white-knuckled grip on M's phone.—I think this reaction needs to be toned down. It's a lot of tropes in sequence that comes across as overdramatic. Pg. 6: "Dark energy your scanner picked up."—Your cell phone bill, the Jedi Council will cover. Mrm? No critique, just wanted to make a Yoda joke. "I walked to my car and somehow made it here without getting pulled over for speeding and running red lights."—Why is it important that he walked to his car? Pg. 8: "People hurt me because of it. Broke me."—This is more telling than it is showing. Perhaps consider putting more emphasis into his body language? Pg. 10: "...her body temperature ran a few degrees hotter."—If she doesn't want him to know that, why hasn't she pulled her hand away by now? Pg. 11: "She tightened her sweater..."—What does that mean? How do you tighten a sweater? Maybe it wanted her to kill herself from trying to burn all its slime from her head. M glanced up, letting herself get lost in the depths of T' blue eyes.—I would heavily consider replacing or rewriting this. It comes across as cheesy instead of romantic. Pg. 13: "...they meant rocket-powered grenade launcher." Pg. 14: "M, I'm so sorry."—Considering what M just told her, this seems like a muted reaction. In this instance, you can totally afford to go big with your character's emotion. "I don't like cops..."—This comes across as expository. I think something like, "I'm not calling any f'ing cops" would get the idea across without having to explicitly tell. "They probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway, and arrest some innocent person."—Dialogue here feels somewhat mechanical. "Arrest somebody innocent" sounds more natural, in my mind. Pg. 15: “But it might be good to make an appointment with one of the school therapists soon. Your body might be okay, but things like that are traumatic."—Dialogue seems mechanical here. T’s lips were pressed together and her eyes narrowed. “Something like this happened to you?” T nodded.—Looks like A got replaced by T by accident here. Pg. 16: "Maybe there is more to reality than science can explain."—This comes across as mechanical. “After,” M muttered.—Unnecessary paragraph break after this line. Pg. 17: She synched her breathing with A’s. Let the beating and swooshing fill her head and soothe her. T held the phone to one ear and covered the other. ...it was like cotton laced with Novocain was stretched through her brain... Pg. 18: "If you take advantage of her, I will find out and you will find out how mean my uppercut is. Then I'll report you."—If she's honestly concerned he'll do that, then why is she letting M leave with him? "...If you need a reminder of that, we can spar after breakfast.”

Glad you all liked it! 1) That's fair. 2) Also fair. (But...but how else will I show off my middling knowledge of the American Civil War?!) I'll consider condensing it. They weren't actually knives, I failed to make clear that it was the monster's fingers were coming through the gate to try and get S. The ghosts possessed O and killed the creature. I'm going to be annoying and claim that that was intentional. But I'll definitely give the hook another look-over when I go back to the story. Well, OBVIOUSLY—I'm going to need to go back and fix the ending up a tad so it's not confusing. Thanks for the feedback everyone, I will take it all into consideration and see if I can maybe make some additions/edits for next week. Especially the ending, since that appears to be the largest point of criticism thus far. Yes, I'd like to submit this to a magazine. I was planning on submitting to Dream Foundry's contest, but their website is currently kaput, so who knows what's going on there.