JWerner

Ahem. Forgive me for my delayed critique. This was for the most part well-written (barring a few mechanical bugs) but kinda slow story-wise. Q and M don't do much but sit around talking and seeing the sights. The pacing could use a jump-start, and I definitely agree with the notion that it would be better served cut-down and combined with another chapter. There's also a fair amount of re-capping info the reader would already know. Though there's nothing necessarily catastrophic here, I just think it could use some tidying up. Notes: (pg. 4) -M's latest model s® had replaced the wrecked original, E, the remains of which probably were now buried in moon dust.—I'm afraid I'm going to have to toss the advice you gave me back your way and ask that you avoid uncertain language. Are the remains buried in moon dust or are they not? If he did not actually see it buried, please say so. -Again Q wondered that he had ended up with a fourteen-year-old ex-convent orphan as his sole employee (androids not being on payroll)—The 'again' is partially in italics. Is that on purpose? Also, why is he wondering? The phrasing is confusing. -I wouldn't recap the last book/story. That's something I only ever see in children's books. (pg. 5) -damnation. Q’s hand was shaking.—This feels like it ought to be the start of its own paragraph. -We need to make tracks, remember? Calgary tomorrow; Friday, Toronto; Cayambe by Saturday; six days to Geostation One and home to Aldiss Station.” —Expository. Could maybe instead, she could show him some kind of schedule he could read? I just feel like conveying this info via dialogue feels a bit awkward. (pg. 5-6) -M held out her hands palms up as if testing for rain, her shoulders hunched, lightly-shadowed eyes wide.—Again, no hyphens after 'ly' adverbs. (pg. 6) -Q watched as M read R’s message, tucking her nearly-black, bobbed hair behind her right ear in that way she did when she was concentrating.—You already mentioned that her hair was bobbed. -The hair fell out almost immediately, in that way it did because it was hair, and it didn’t give a rust, because it was dead already.—I think this gives the hair a bit too much personality for its own good. This read as silly to me. —What does 'up some lost property' mean? (pg. 7) -M was open about her nature, not like J with her creeping insinuations and evil duplicity.—I think 'evil' is a bit much. -M continued to press him on the subject of his ex-wife, but now he countered by asking why they called her M.—I can't tell if this is happening now, or if it's a recollection. (pg. 8) -The girl just scowled and the android clearly deduced that silence was preferable.—Corrected typo (pg. 9) —'DP'. Heh heh. -In the beginning he had counted the seemingly countless days until he would be shot of M, now his emotions were less clear cut, dammit.—Shot? What? You mean 'rid'? (pg. 11) -The call failed to find R on his handset, and so Q went in search of him through the man’s contact list.—Added a comma and Q's name for flow's sake. -Q confessed to the grizzled, serious man...—Why is this in italics? (pg. 12) -The presence provided some entertainment for the locals it seemed.—Got some more uncertain language here. Would you be willing to change it? -Clouds darkened the clear...—Corrected typo and refrained from making a bad Final Fantasy joke. -Q amused himself by arguing affably against whatever policy was thrust in his face for the simple joy of being perverse, until the cutting wind or M tugging on his arm persuaded him it was time to move on.—I think 'contrary' would work better than 'perverse.' -The contract tied M to him until she was twenty-one.—You already said this. -Still, he needn’t reveal that to M.—'Reveal' I think is a bit too dramatic. It's not a secret, it's a frame of mind he finds embarrassing. (pg. 13) -Q felt warm satisfaction spread through his mind like an intellectual orgasm—That does not sound like an orgasm. And I think that's too big of a reaction to figuring out a work schedule. -Casual cruelty came so easily to the girl.—How is smiling cruel? -Perhaps a bit much for a casual meeting, but the poor girl didn’t deserve M’s thinly-veiled scorn.—There's not enough detail regarding M's behavior to make me interpret it the same way Q is. (pg. 14) -T departed—This is missing either a period or an 'and' (pg. 15) -“Q is quite entitled to inquire, as a dutiful guardian,” said E—Replaced period with comma. -Q blew out his cheeks, preparing for battle—Added a comma

Thank you both for your critiques! They are much appreciated. I will definitely agree on the telling going a bit overboard, which I'll revise (I don't think I'll be re-submitting this chapter again). As for how the Western bits and Greek bits mix, I'll delve into that more in-depth in chapter 3. Response to a couple points below: May I ask when do you think he shot her? Because I was trying to convey (as he fired at her right as she charged him) that he did hit her the moment he revealed himself to her, but she didn't notice she'd been shot the whole time she'd been attacking (note his dialogue: “Fightin’ for a near-straight minute with three bolts in ya?”). I'm not sure, but it looks to me like you think she was shot towards the end of the fight. It would be helpful if you could please clarify to me how you interpreted it. 'Clip' is old American mafia slang for 'kill.' So 'clipper' is made up on my part. That event was the original (planned) prologue, but would have meant two time skips within the first fifty pages. I'll re-consider other ways to add that info back in more organically. Please note that the line says that they're her spares, not the originals.

Disclaimer: I don't read flash-fiction. This is incredibly threadbare, and despite it being designated as flash-fiction, I don't think that saves it. Our protag doesn't have a name. There is no feeling of time or setting, with the barest hints of a genre. There is no dramatic weight, because I am not given any reason to care. And you preemptively killed off your own twist ending in your prologue! The best part about this is the idea of a mother who frightens her child into something as simple as wearing shoes by telling them a tall tale of blood-magic-wielding-wizards. That doesn't even need to have any actual magic; you can mine a whole story about an abusive relationship out of that. Otherwise, as a story about a mother telling her child about a real threat that the child doesn't believe (and the mother getting caught destroying a building in order to stave off said threat) it doesn't satisfy. And it reminds me too much of Terminator 2. This needs more. More detail, more character, more lore, more setting. More words, to sum it up. Please expand it! Notes below: (pg. 1) —Here's a problem right off: your intro is two sentences. I have no sense of time, place and setting. What kind of world is this? Is it urban? Fantasy? You have a character identified as magical, but I have zero sense of what I'm reading. -Light from the street lamp dances across the sharp edges of a broken beer bottle until I place it in the shadow of a torn paper bag.—Is this on the ground? A bench? A table? Is someone supposed to step on this bottle? How well can a paper bag even hide it? -Once they have your blood, they can use it to use you.—I would delete the bolded part. -They can boil you from the inside or make blood congeal in your arteries.—I would replace bolded part with 'clot' -If I didn’t move soon, my muscles would lock in place.—What? Why? When would this ever happen? Why would this kid think this? How old is this kid, anyways? They seem young, but you give zero details about them. -She pocked the glass.—'Pocketed' -My tight muscles didn’t relax—So, is the kid relaxed, but their muscles aren't? That's odd. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say 'I didn't relax'? -The smell of vinyl seats and sweat and disinfectant drew the remaining tension from my shoulders.—That smells gross. Why would this relax the kid? What emotional reason is there? -“That your other mother?” J's blond curls tumbled down his face as he peered over the seat, cute as a chipmunk.—Whoa, and suddenly, we're inside the bus and the kid is apparently sitting in a seat. They might as well have teleported. Is J in front or behind our protagonist? -“I don’t think she meant to burn the building down, but the police found her with matches and gasoline.”—This is clumsy exposition. -“Do you think the wizards are real?”—Added a 'you'. -I stared at the galaxy screen printed on his shirt.—The what now? A literal screen? Like a phone? Or a pane of glass? On his shirt? You desperately need to describe this world for us. -Even though I was afraid to admit it—Believing in blood-mages as a kid seems like something you ought to be more embarrassed about than afraid. (pg. 2) -So, when does this 'epilogue' happen? Because it immediately follows a recollection from the protag that implies they're recounting their story to someone, but this apparently follows the prologue. -If your whole twist is that blood magic does exist, you undermined it in the prologue immediately with M's title. -Why is M having the narrator file off nail shavings? They're shavings. Shavings are not scary. Why aren't they just pulling out nails or staples if they want to set up traps for people to wound themselves on?

Greetings all, Just sent out an e-mail with my submission for this week (it's scheduled to be mailed in a few hours from now). I've revised my second chapter that I submitted last week, trying to take in as much feedback into account in order to flesh out the world, clear up confusion between Channels and Enhancements, and hopefully make R a more cohesive character. However, like the last time I revised a chapter, this meant the chapter has become significantly longer. Like, 1,400 words longer. Sorry about that. If you like it, awesome! If not, I'm positive you'll all let me know why, which is why this group is so damnation awesome. Recap: In chapter 1, ranchers J. and her Uncle D went out hunting for a hydra that killed one of their herd. Using a Channel—a drink that gives humans animal attributes—they find the hydra, only to discover it's been killed by a man belonging to a feared outlaw band called the BRs. The R kills Uncle D, and J kills the R in turn by using Channels. Doing so, however, takes a dire toll on her body.

Ooooh, that's a cool idea!

I like this a bit more than the last excerpt with Q, because it's a lot more clear-cut this time around what he's up to and what he wants. Moth didn't quite seem like a 14-year-old to me based on some of her own inner dialogue (and I've noted one offender down below), but it's not a huge issue. Overall, I don't have much to say because this was written pretty damnation well, though I do think that towards the end, G fell into a bad villain cliché that made it impossible for me to take him seriously and was an easy indicator of his imminent defeat. I know their fight hinges a long on Q's pass-phrase, but I think if you could rewrite it to put Q in more immediate danger, the tension would be considerably amplified. Notes below: (pg. 1) -The warming gloves Q had bought her in town were all very well—I feel like 'warming' is a bit redundant. That is, after all, what gloves do. -She let herself stumble the last few metres and clutched the thick trunk of the last tree; a paper birch, she thought from the way its bark crinkled under her gloves.—Personal grammatical suggestion. (pg. 2) -All because Q’s finely-chiselled face fit the storming story, he gets the easy end of the deal; again!—I have trouble believing anyone, especially a teenage girl, would describe anyone's face as 'finely chiselled.' Also, delete the bolded hyphen; hyphens after adverbs ending in 'ly' are incorrect. (pg. 5) -She storming hated Canada, storming hellhole.—If TV Tropes has taught me anything, it's that a Precision F-Strike goes a long way. I would try to conserve that ammo and delete one of the bombs in this sentence. (pg. 6) -She shuddered as someone tickled her grave with a feather.—I would rephrase to 'she shuddered as though someone had tickled her grave with a feather. (pg. 7) -She flung off her $179 super-gloves—That's all? That sounds pretty cheap for 2099. (pg. 13) -“Too bad you didn’t bring him along, he could have told you this is Heckler & Koch 56M-3 laser pistol; the most effective, publicly-available laser pistol on Earth.—Expository dialogue that comes across as clunky to me. -“This pistol will shoot you with two hundred Watts, double the power of a surgical laser and enough to stop you caring about anything very much.”—This guy is falling into the bad cliché of the villain who spends so much of his time talking that it allows the hero to take him out. In the immortal words of the Ugly, "When you have to shoot, shoot! Don't talk." If Q would at least acknowledge this, I think it could alleviate the cliché. (pg. 14) -The barbecue lurched and crashed onto its side as M planted her feet apart, unzipped her parka revealing a white-on-black...—I would replace the bolded word with 'to reveal'.

Mechanically, this is all well and good. I'm gonna agree though that I feel like this is in dire need of expansion for the sake of fleshing out the characters. Part 2 suffers from sudden, whiplash-inducing jumps in time and space that leave me confused. Why don't we get to see A harvesting the sea monster? Did nothing important happen on her journey home? I want to read about those parts more than I do anything about the oneirophage, which might be a consequence of the fact that you started with A's journey and left out K. I also think it wraps a bit too neatly; A didn't lose anything in her quest, there were no consequences. The lack of any kind of twist—which is something that short fiction often benefits from, in my experience—also left me wanting. Other than that, I think you've done a great job with sensory detail—the world is pretty easy to picture—and there's enough interesting ideas (the monster, the phage, A) for you to expand on upon. Please do so! Minute amount of notes below: (pg. 3): -A stumbled backward, bruised the backs of her thighs against a crate.—I'd replace 'bruised' with a different verb that suggests more immediacy. I also think a gerund would not go amiss. (pg. 5): -“Are you in need of a bodyguard?”—I'm not sure I buy that they are this close that T would offer herself as a bodyguard to A.

'Allo. I would like a spot for Monday, please.

I'd argue that it's not hair-splitting, as steampunk and cyberpunk are two different sub-genres of sci-fi with entirely different aesthetics (Industrial Revolution v. advanced futuristic technology). Also, I apologize if I came across as insulting in that post (I should have worded it differently), that was not my intention; I am genuinely curious as to what kinds of steampunk you have read that you find similar to what I wrote. Nothing to apologize for; I didn't interpret it as any kind of shot. Again, nothing to apologize for. I just wanted to clarify.

Hi Hawkedup, This chapter has a two major problems. First off, as has already been pointed out, everything about E's leering of M (and her disappointing characterization as little more than a temptress) is somewhat creepy and in need of revising. Please try to write her as someone who's more than just an object of the older male's desire. You also have a LOT of exposition; characters telling other characters things they probably already know. I would honestly recommend adding some flashbacks for the sake of your pacing, if possible. Anything to integrate the information in a more organic fashion; for instance, anything revolving around C, maybe you have a character reading a report. It would come across as more natural than characters saying out loud what they already know. (pg. 1) -Agent E's first gray hair appeared three weeks ago, but his sideburns were already completely white—I don't think the colors are distinct enough that you can honestly differentiate between the two, if you're asking me to believe his 'first' graying hair is coming when his sideburns are white. Sideburns are hair too. -That… … and M.—Trying to create a dramatic pause this way works against you. (pg. 2) -She said he had been an inspiration to her when she was back in the academy.—Change to 'back when.' Current grammar makes it seem like he's an inspiration to her when she's at the academy, at present. -M was short for a woman—Delete bolded part -Her eyes were large in a deceptively soft face—How do you tell when a face is 'deceptively soft?' -a trait shared amongst true rift chasers—Added 'amongst' (pg. 3) -The smell of the hair dye was also suddenly very pungent to his own nostrils.—Delete bolded part. What else would it be pungent to? -“I understand,” she said, and gestured down at her own person.—I would change 'own person' to 'herself.' -Despite their significant age difference, thirteen years, M flirted with him like a woman with no shame. He wasn’t delusional, though. A young beauty like her had no real interest in a washed out old questioner.—For reasons already raised, please rewrite this. (pg. 5) -Back then, he had been the youngster everyone of the old blood hated—Talented character who rises through the ranks and becomes universally despised by jealous old guard? You're straying into Sue territory here; take it from someone who wrote a character like this and continues to regret it. I would at least edit out that EVERYONE hated him. -Once he learned how...or hide—Exposition. -He knew in his heart that this would be his final case.—Why? You've gone several pages with keeping us in the dark. (pg. 6) -After giving us nothing but low level appraisal jobs for the past few months, trying to force you into retirement?—Exposition. -a greasy looking man named M who rarely spoke and always stared down his nose, behind.—Behind what? (pg. 7) -despite being a scribe from the Great Library, M carried a dagger with red ruby in the hilt.—Why despite? Are they not allowed to have weapons? You haven't explained. -J returned her salute halfheartedly, without stopping, barely registering the woman.—I would change to 'her' (pg. 9) -“What I meant was--” He paused for emphasis. “--you’re coming with me.”—What did he say prior that was supposed to mean 'you're coming with me'? I am confused. (pg. 13) -“The plan was for the God King to wait another month before taking G as a host"—Exposition -You are arguing against the God King’s will even after nearly half a decade in his service. Especially after he was benevolent enough to give you, both of you, the title of general.—Exposition -Everybody in the room knew she was lying.—If this narration is not omniscient, how does she know this? And why lie, if she knows she isn't going to be believed? -It’s been less than a month since the last time the God King used C as a siphon—Exposition -The last C died when he reached twelve feet, and we don’t have another siphon ready to take his place—Exposition (pg. 14) -G and Z had been special...where C came in.—Exposition.

May I ask what steampunk you're reading? Because steampunk usually has steam, pistons, gears, etc. Technology that evokes the Industrial Revolution. Batteries going in necks to fuel superhuman abilities is something I pulled from cyberpunk. That was the idea (and it's not the same hydra), but it's not all that particularly significant. It's gone in the revision. Nope. Never read those. I just thought the name sounded cool. It's not magical, but it is indeed a system. I'm trying my best to clear up any confusion between the two in the revision. Thank you @shatteredsmooth and @Robinski for your critiques! Hopefully, you'll find the revision an improvement. Right now, I'm behind on my critiques (I have done two for last week and two for this week) and hope to have everything in by Friday to justify my re-submission.

Right then. I'm doing some catching up here, so here are my notes on ch.4, and will be posting notes on ch. 5 right after. (pg. 2) -Not only was Mother G the only person in the pueblo with the pale skin and light hair of a northerner, but, with the exception of her white clerical collar, she wore black from neck to toe.—The 'not only' makes me expect a 'but also,' or just an 'also' at the very least, and it feels odd to me when it doesn't come. -On the first night of the fiesta, G was burned to ash while fire dancers spun flaming batons and the crowd cheered his demise.—Some nice world-building right there. (pg. 3) -She had already forgotten about them as she turned and shouted orders at someone else.—I would rephrase this, simply because the narration sounds close to omniscient. How does Z really know that the priest has forgotten them? -“Fine by me,” Z said, feeling her cheeks heating.—Just say 'flushing.' (pg. 4) “Even now, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that there will be no fiesta this year.”—I can't picture anyone saying 'even now' un-ironically. It seems awkward. To me, at least. "They’re the enemy. They’ve done nothing but terrorize humanity for generations.”—Obvious exposition. All these characters would already know this. (pg. 5) -“I use sarcasm when I should be afraid.”—Someone already mentioned this as an instance of telling and not showing; I'd rewrite it to something like "Usually," at the bare minimum. (pg. 6) -She didn’t say we, she noticed. She said not to get him in trouble.—I'd delete the bolded part. We did just read that, after all. Also, I'd combine it with the next paragraph. -She loves him. -The thought came almost unbidden.—I would combine as one paragraph. They don't quite feel like they need to be their own separate paragraphs. (pg. 6-7) -Things that were obvious to others...Mama was long gone.—All exposition. See critiques above for better commentary on ableist language than I could write. (pg. 7) -Z did as she was bidden, putting a board into slats that would keep the door from opening, and then climbed down the ladder on the inside of the well.—I'd delete the bolded part. What else would the slats do? (pg. 9) -Z and M followed slower—I'd rewrite bolded part to "crept up behind him." -Z blinked. What had that been?—I'd combine these into one paragraph. (pg. 10) -Those boys like to run their mouths.—More exposition. -“It can make you feel things,” M offered.—That doesn't feel like an offering. Try to default to 'said' as much as possible. (pg. 11) -It doesn’t know about the rift or the Front or demons—Added 'r' (pg. 12) -“Safe?” R offered.—Noticeable amount of offering. (pg. 13) -If you can hear me, it’s probably already too late. T is here.—Nice twist, but I think it would have more punch if this chapter's epigraph were much earlier. (pg. 15) -Z shivered at the thought. “We must face it head on,” Z said.—This should be one paragraph. -“What?” “There’s no other way out of here?” The pounding continued. “No.”—All this dialogue needs attribution. Who's speaking?

Thanks to everyone for their critiques! I won't be submitting this week, but next time I do, I'm thinking it'll be a revision of this chapter that'll take the feedback into account.

@industrialistDragon I can recommend some modern manga if you're so inclined.

Also very good point from @kais. I think this would help with the lack of tension I felt at the very end of the chapter. I actually wrote this exact scenario initially, but I wasn't quite able to make the ensuing verbal confrontation work. I'll give it another go. Model 3 Surveillance Lenses—zeroed in on the diggers." --Is this the same tech level as in the first chapter? Superior. C tech is top-tier sci-fi kinda stuff. Rifle-bows, not so much. Thank you both for your critiques! I might send in a revision for next week, depending on what other feedback I get.

Hi all, I just completed chapter 2 today. I apologize if it comes across as rough; this is not original to the first draft, unlike chapter 1/prologue 1 (I decided to just call this chapter 2). Writing this chapter was part of my goal to make some of the characters and their objectives a bit more fleshed out and clear-cut; they weren't as much in the first draft. Let me know if I succeeded or failed. As always, feel free to tear the bloody thing to ribbons, and I will take the feedback and use it for chapter 3 (which I am 95% sure I won't have to make from scratch). In chapter 1: Ranchers J. and her Uncle D went out hunting for a hydra that killed one of their herd. Using a Channel—a drink that gives humans animal attributes—they find the hydra, only to discover it's been killed by a man belonging to a feared outlaw band called the BRs. The R kills Uncle D, and J kills the R in turn using Channels. Doing so, however, takes a dire toll on her body. P.S. Sorry to all who received, I forgot to put 'Reading Excuses', the word count and the content ratings in my submission e-mail. I apologize; it just slipped my mind. P.P.S.: My avatar is this chapter's POV character. P.P.P.S. And SOMEHOW I ended up posting this twice! All I did was hit 'edit,' and a second thread popped up! I clicked 'hide', but I don't know if that hid it for everyone else. So in case anyone still sees the duplicate thread, apologies, and if anyone has the capability of deleting it, please do so.

Ditto, I'd like a spot too, please. I might submit late Monday, though.

Hi Kraken's Daughter, For some reason, when I transfer the doc from my e-mail to my Google drive, the format gets really messed up. So the pages are in printer order. Overall, I liked this story, and am looking forward to part 2. I think you make pretty clear from the start what A (cool name, by the way) wants by showing her going around to the different pubs, listening to stories. Even if it's just research, I like the idea of a character collecting folklore. Her motivation is solid and believable, and the dialogue is fairly snappy and clear-cut. I think some of your transitions are a little abrupt, though; without any paragraph breaks, suddenly falling into these stories gives a slight case of whiplash. Sorry, brief critique. Liked it muchly. (page 1): -"There were a number of taverns in the city of A, ranging from upscale establishments where nobles sipped fine wines from crystal glasses, to dockside taprooms where sailors swigged beer from chipped mugs between brawls."—Added a comma. (page 2): -Every children's storybook talks about sea serpents.—Moved the apostrophe. Childrens' is used for when you're talking about a specific group of children. (page 3): -She ambled over to the group, acting as if she'd overheard them by chance.—This is my own personal suggestion for replacing 'trying to act.' As Yoda says, 'do, or do not. There is no try.' Saying she's trying implies she's failing. (page 4): -“You already heard the story—don’t think I didn’t catch you eavesdropping."—Is it really eavesdropping if she was openly listening? (page 5-6): I would either separate the story with visible paragraphs or tell it as ordinary dialogue, for flow's sake. (page 5): -She couldn't get a good look.—Who's the she in this case? The captain or the night watcher? (page 6): -A raised her eyebrows at the captain's wistful tone.—Has he been identified as a captain by this point? If so, I've missed it. (page 9): -He pushed past P—Careful! That's a Wheel of Time character name. (page 13): -A supposed a hardened sailor like Tandil would laugh at her for sneaking into the galley in the middle of the night, looking for willow bark to chew.—Added a comma. (page 15): -"And what makes you think I'd go along with you asking us to do something different..."—Not sure why he's saying this. She hasn't asked anything of him yet.

Hi guys, First off, thank you very much for critiques! I appreciate them muchly. Going forth into the edits and revisions, I will try to mesh the Old West vibes and Greek Mythology aspects better. @kais mentioned BSG, and while I don't have the time to re-watch the reboot, I'll keep that world in mind. Thank you all for the recommendations for Silver on the Road! I'll see if I can get my hands on it, but it might have to wait until I finish The Gentlemen Bastards. I will also try to put some more detail to make the world and characters more vivid. Couple points of clarification: The rifle-bow is functionally a crossbow. Aesthetically, it's a Henry repeater combined with a crossbow, and can be assembled/disassembled in two pieces. It's long and narrow. I will try to describe it as such in revisions. The setting is supposed to be far into the future. Very far. There's magic (the Channels), technologically advanced bodily enhancements, hovercrafts, etc. I think the best way I can summarize the world is Firefly, but just on Earth. 'Stack of books' is meant to imply the extent of Uncle D's gastric protrusion. In others words, he's got a considerable gut. Thank you all again!

Hi Alderant, You have some pretty big problems here: the prologue is deliberately vague to the point that I have no idea what is happening, the dialogue is stilted, and the use of time and space leave me wanting. To sum up my answers to your bullet-point questions, I implore you to give us a better picture of what the characters (especially P) wants and why, without being so deliberately vague. I would also like a better sense of where and for how long events happening outside the room were happening. And the dialogue needs an overhaul; to me, it felt like the characters spoke almost entirely in clichés. I would try to make it seem more militaristic without having to resort to exposition and medieval-like speech. How do you feel about the conflict? Why?—I was indifferent to it. There were no clear stakes, I had no idea who was fighting what, where, in what amount, with what weaponry and tactics and magic. Is what I’ve written interesting? What about it (if anything) is interesting to you? If not, why?—The one thing I found myself interested is in Descending; what it is, how it works. What questions does this makes you ask (if any)? If the answer is no, why?—I just kept thinking to myself, 'What the heck is going on?' Is there anything you feel I do well? If nothing, how can I improve?—Please make things clearer. I want a cleaner, sharper picture of what is happening and why. It is obvious that you are holding back a lot of information here, and that does not motivate me to want to keep reading. It is frustrating. Is there anything you feel I do poorly? If nothing, what can I strengthen?—Please make your characters' intentions clearer. Also, I had little sense of time and space; how far away was this battle taking place? How quickly were the monsters approaching? The world did not feel tangible. Most importantly, does this intrigue you enough to want to continue reading?—Honestly, no. It did not. But I think it could, with revisions. My notes are below: (page 1): -...he studied the blue-tinted, holographic map—Okay, but what's the map of? -Red dots abounded the image, each one a critical that could not...—A critical of what, exactly? The Ws have seized the binding points as ordered. They hold, though their fight is desperate.—This dialogue feels awfully stilted and medieval for something taking place in a world with holograms. (page 2): -He pulled on it, zooming it in to a surface level and revealing a lone W being overrun by the monstrous horde of D.—Since we don't know the scale of this map yet, it leaves me wondering just how precise/imprecise this map is. -They’ll seize the very lifeblood of this planet and use it against the innocent masses.—Some narm-heavy exposition here. It feels way too over-the-top to be natural. (page 3): -“Fighting where the situation is most dire, more than likely,”—Why doesn't V just give a direct answer? (Page 4): -The door opened with a loud groan as a battered-looking W pushed their way through the heavy, reinforced door of the S.—Why not just identify her as the P now? It's pretty obvious who she is. -Tried to force her, I’ll bet, P thought with some measure of amusement. Novice mistake.—Italicized P's thoughts. -“Why did you call me from the defense?” the P asked, her weary voice tinny from inside the large helm that obscured her face.—Deleted 'the' and 'feminine.' -"...you sorry lot will find out just how terrifying these monsters can be.”—But I'm not getting much sense of danger around these monsters. -“But there is a matter that requires your attention…as FW.”—So is P or A the First Warden? It's not clear. (page 5): -To his left, E gasped.—I feel like this should be before 'The P' cocked her head to the side. -The tall, armored woman flinched. Visibly.—I'd just say 'The P' instead of 'tall, armored woman.' You've already established that about her. Also not sure 'visibly' is necessary. -"She would see all of humanity, the civilians and both of our peoples, fall to the creatures you so valiantly fight."—Pretty sure the P already knows she's fighting them. -“She is at direct odds with the best interests of humanity, and so I invoke the FW’s Oath.”—This dialogue needs attribution. Also, why doesn't the P ask for proof? She just takes him at his word? Why? -It was the only check on the Council’s authority—The ONLY check? This does not sound like a stable governing body to me. (page 6): -“When A kills E, both of you Descend and bind her. If our plan is to succeed, A cannot be allowed to escape.”—First off, why is he saying this out loud where she can hear, even if she is distracted? Also, don't V and H already know this? Why does P have to remind them? -When it finally came off, she hunched forward and vomited across the ground.—In my experience, 'ground' is always outdoors and 'floor' is always indoors. -she was caught by surprise as one of her arms suddenly flew to the side—I would replace the bolded 'she' with 'P' -"Release me! I must return to the fight!”—How did she get back from the fight, anyways? (page 7): -“I know you view the Ws as your children,”—Obvious exposition. -Her eyes went wide with horror. “You bastard. You’re going to kill everyone!”—I don't see why she doesn't just refuse outright immediately, even if she has no choice? -Could no one else see how dire things were?—I don't. (page 8): -A deafening boom filled the chamber moments later.—From what? The realm of life, a reflection of the planet’s own soul.—Sounds like the lifestream from Final Fantasy VII. (page 9): -He raised his hand, the blue-green key glowing in his palm,—Wait, what? When and how did he get that? (page 11): -P turned to the other two, the only survivors of the D assault on their city.—Added 'the'. I absolutely believe you can improve upon what you've already written, and I look forward to reading it again if you re-submit. Please do so!

Hi hawkedup, Apologies for the delay in my critique. My notes are below. Overall, I'm glad to see you incorporated feedback from the first chapter regarding the portrayal of the military commanders. I'm not finding myself all that particularly invested in L, though; her end-goal is still too vague for me to get a solid grasp on what she wants. I liked the ending twist, though, if nothing else because it moved the plot along. I'd really like to know soon what L wants and why. (page 1): -“They’re like your lists,” L had said, with all the pride a child could muster. “Like the ones you make when you have an attack.” “Yes, my dear,” J had replied. —Added 'had' to indicate that this is dialogue is from the past. -As a result, L now had a plan for almost every situation.—I don't quite see what lists have to do with plans. (page 3): -She felt a prick of searing heat that immediately spread to every appendage of her body.—I would delete the bolded part. What other appendages would you be talking about? -He got his off arm up but otherwise hit the ground face first.—This is awkward phrasing. I think it would be clearer to just say if it's his left or right arm. (page 4): -He nodded at the shed and L ducked, even though they couldn’t see her.—Added comma. -I was just here to water and feed the mother when… when I heard you coming.”—I could be wrong here, but I don't think that W needs to be capitalized. -J’s eyes climbed General C like a mountain.—I would say his eyes climbed 'the mountain-like General C.' It kinda reads awkwardly, otherwise. (page 5): -“No, sir.”—Shouldn't he be saying 'yes' to affirm her point? -"Before you answer, keep in mind that if you’re lying, I’ll have the good general here tear off your arm.”—But how can she tell that he's lying? (page 6): -she took a knee before J—I would say she took a knee 'beside' him. 'Before' implies a reverent action. -He clutched at his leg, which bent the wrong way, and looked up at her, red-faced.—Added comma and n-dash. -She held her off hand up above her head; the turquoise gemstones on her rings were very green in the morning light.—Added semi-colon. Also, again, please consider saying right or left instead of 'off.' -J eyelids drooped and his torso wavered.—Why just his torso? -“Shh,” General Y said. “I know.”—Added an 'h.' 'Shh' typically has at least two h's. -Every child in the Empire knew all 360.—Closed up space between '360' and the period. Also, if the invocations are all as long as the epigraph, I don't buy that any kid could memorize that many. I'm not sure I would even buy 100. Assuming they're all around the same length, that's around 14,000 words. That's almost half of The Emperor's Soul! (page 7): -“I’m glad, too. I hate having to kill kids first thing in the morning. I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”—You're trying way too hard to tell us this woman's bad. I would replace this dialogue with something more subtle. -She poked her head around the hedge wall and watched as Generals C and Y and Captain V disappeared through a set of tall doors at the back of the main keep.—I would replace the bolded part with 'the three officers' for brevity's sake. (page 8): -Theoretically, releasing a spell after or a day or a year shouldn’t take more energy, but she had heard horror stories about spectrals who died because of less.—This sentence confuses me, and that's mostly because of the phrasing. I don't know what time scale you're trying to establish here. -then crouched down, and with a practiced movement hooked a bucket on either end.—Added a comma -She grunted with effort and almost blacked out once she was in an upright position again.—Moved 'again' -Luckily, the doors were propped open. The East Tower housed political delegations who were in the city temporarily, but who were too important to stay at an inn.—Added commas (page 9): -She momentarily contemplated using the dumbwaiter for the water, but decided she trusted her legs more than her arms.—Moved 'momentarily.' In its original meaning, it looked like she was considering using it only for a moment. Added a comma -The woman had a white scar along the side of her face that splintered off into smaller scars that spider-webbed their way down her cheek.—Added an n-dash. -L had seen scars like that before--a demon scar.—How is it demonic? -A short sword hung at her belt with a dragon hilt with blue glowing eyes.—I need more detail here. Is it dragon-shaped? Made from dragon? Why are the eyes glowing? Are they actual eyes? Gemstones? Is it because of magic? -She had rehearsed this response in her head on the way up.—Does a response that simple need to be memorized? -“That explain why you’re sweating like a rift chaser?”—Deleted the s at the end of 'explains' (page 10): -M’s face broke into a grin and then she repeated a fact L had heard from her a dozen times:—Deleted 'no fewer than' (page 11): -The shadow lay on a four-post bed with red silk sheets.—Added an n-dash -“a messenger was up here earlier, maybe an hour ago. Wanted to make sure she--” Despite the bluecoat’s earlier proclamation, she never looked directly at the shadow. “--was ready for a formal visit—There is no reason for this dialogue to be broken up this way. (page 12): -L hoped with all hear heart that she wouldn’t have to kill her.—Replaced 'the woman' -Afterwards, she walked to the bed and took the shadow’s soft hand in hers.—Added on to first word -I know how much you like eating breakfast a bit earlier so you can watch the sun come up.”—Could you re-tell this information in another way? It comes across as expository. -all while explaining her run-in with I earlier.—Added an n-dash (page 13): “I know I’m not supposed to, but today is an important day. I need to rest... my eyes… Just for a minute? Just… for…”—This makes her look shockingly incompetent. She's going to risk her plan to take a nap? She just said it's an important day! Is there a better way to transition between scenes than this? (page 14): -L’s heart raced as her eyes fell on Prince G who was also fourteen years old—Deleted the n-dashes (page 16): -C opened her mouth, but closed it without saying anything else—Added a comma

All good. It happens.

Yeah, I clearly see now I need to go back and fix the tattoos first; I really don't want my work to have any kind of negative racial undertones. I don't know where you got 'swarthy' though; I never used that word. The only word I've used to describe skin tones thus far was 'pale.' I always envisioned this story as being post-apocalyptic; they are ignorant because there's nobody left alive to teach them. C's Point is pretty much an island in an ocean of nothing, apart from the S, which they attack on the regular. Though I did a poor job of conveying that. Thank you for your critique! I appreciate it, because I really don't want to release crap into the world.

Hi all, This is the prologue to my second novel (the title of which is tentative), which I finished a first draft of a few months ago. I plan on revising the characters and plot somewhat. I would describe this story as a YA sci-fi-fantasy western, and hopefully it will come across as less opaque than The Scarlet Saber. Yes, this is prologue 1; there are two prologues. But let me reassure you that they're not supposed to be vague and esoteric. They're each supposed to show inciting incidents in the main characters' lives before a one-year time-skip. With that said, I hope you like it. And if not, please say so.

I have less than an elementary understanding of Scrivener's compiler function. That's definitely something I ought to pay more attention to. I can see that. It's something I tried to do in my second book, which is more grounded. Real-world slang for diarrhea. I didn't convey well enough that this was a half-hearted attempt at a joke on his part. This has been a re-occurring criticism, so I obviously need to amend it. I'd explain the joke, but then it wouldn't be funny. Hence, the joke sucks. Will amend. Yup, I'd agree there wholeheartedly. I'll take yours and everyone's criticisms into account—on the mechanics, pacing, characterization etc.—and use it to improve this chapter and the next. Though a lot this has me thinking I probably ought to re-edit the whole draft (mostly for mechanics) but also for story-related elements. My revisions to chapter 1 caused me to rewrite a lot of the plot in this chapter (95% of the third scene was written in the week before submission) and chapter 3 will have to be pretty much entirely rewritten, because the original has a fight scene that I don't buy anymore, and I'm positive the rest of you won't either. Therefore, I might take some more time to edit this and make it more interesting, and in the meantime submit some stuff from my second novel, which has a basis in real-world mythology and history that I think will be a bit more relatable—character and setting-wise. I might change my on that mind on that, but for now, thank you all for your critiques! I appreciate them, because I finally feel like I belong to a group that has insights on how to improve my work.