shatteredsmooth

For most of the interrogation scene, I was fairly engaged. I didn't get confused at all--things seemed pretty clear in terms of world-building, what was said, and what was happening. There is a distinct voice. The first scene didn't really work. I didn't find myself super interested in the dialogue and some of the reactions felt missing or blank. I'm starting to like S though I would engage more with him if he reacted more to certain things. I like D. She seems like a colorful character. Not sure about M. The talk at the begining didn't seem all that interesting or important, though for all I know it has some key detail that just isn't registering as important to me yet. As I read: P1 "The palace doctors said that his condition [CSA1] was why" Being intersex or does he have a learning disability? I’m not sure which condition you are referring too? P2 “Might as well put your deadbeat sister to use somehow. Good thing his empath link told him that there was no real judgment there" Could there be a little more reaction to this? It feels incomplete. P3 "...eyewitness accounts, there could be something to it. Thanks, D. I know you’ll figure something out.” Is d doubting S really saw it here? And if so, does S understand that? And how does S feel about the doubt? P6 “Let’s go,” S said. “It only stays open for about fifteen seconds, and I’m not about to watch you get crushed by the floor coming back together.” Doesn’t saying this take up a lot of those seconds? P10 "The feeling was like she was playing a tactics game against a toddler. Wonderful. This line made me laugh a little. Also a moment where the voice felt strong. P11 "Samai looked up at her." feel like you could use more reaction here "Well, if she needed to get this off her chest, stopping her might not do any good." Something felt off about this line. P15 I wonder if you end the chapter a tiny bit sooner. It feels like it drags on just a little too long and doesn't quite have enough of a hook at the end. Overall, I'm happy to see a little more forward motion but I feel like I might be missing something about what the plot / goals are and I'm not sure it's just that I forgot already from Ch 1 or if something is actually missing. However, I'm more engaged now than I had been before. I'm also glad the interrogation was humane and did not result in torture. I feel like torture is a little overdone in fantasy sometimes. Though I won't say I'm not guilty of contributing to it's overdoneness. Still, I like interrogation scenes that are conversations where no one is maimed or beaten. Looking forward to the next chapter!

A little over is fine with me

I have something I'd like to submit, if that is okay. A chapter from one of my many books in progress.

Most of this chapter was pretty good. It was really just the opening scene that gave me trouble. A lot of the first two pages kind of felt like filler with the important part being the last line of the scene. I think it could be trimmed and rolled into the second scene. The next scene got good once A was with her spouse. I like that there is some emotional tension in this scene, and that you get to finally get to really see these characters as people.I also liked seeing the tension between one person excited to land and another not. Also, I'm curious about the physical affects suddenly being in gravity will have. "She hadn’t fit the biology she’d been born with" So she’s trans? Part of me likes it put this way but something about it also feels a little off. Like is it erring to close to the "wrong body" thing? Probably not. I liked J's intro through. A snapshot of someone excited about the landing. :-) When we got to Frank's POV, I was a little wary of another POV, but you had set up the group as a friend group, so it is okay. I do like seeing how different people view the landing. Each has an interesting take on it. Something about the opening to the game night scene had me very briefly disoriented but after a few paragraphs I was very engaged with it and liked seeing the group come together. Towards the end, the V escalated to physical violence, very very quickly which makes me dislike the whole admin thing and feel like there might be dystopian vibes coming soon though based on the short story I'm not sure that s actually the case. Overall I thought this was a good chapter and probably only needs some minor adjustments at the begining.

I was really laughing too hard to critique too seriously, and since I think making people laugh is the point, I decided not to go back and do a an addition read through to try and think of more specific things to critique. There were too many funny lines to list all the ones that made me laugh, really. I did have two sort of big picture concerns though. The client claims she is trying to be subtle...but she stole her sisters dildo. Won't she notice it's missing? I guess she might not connect it back to the sister, but it doesn't seem subtle or anything. It seems like the client is doing more work than I expect. Which makes me suspicious of said client. Y is hilarious, and A Trope, especially when interacting with D, but I almost wonder if the contrast is dialed up too high? Or maybe there is no such thing as too much of anything in this book. That part was a little distracting. Is there a different timing or spot for the introduction maybe? Something about where it happened seemed off. I can see what you're going for with it but something about it isn't quite landing right to me. Something is just a little off. Maybe it's just the placement. It does feel kind of tacked on at the end. Otherwise, it is hilarious.

I have mixed feelings about this one, right from the opening scene. I like the imagery of the ships in space because it reminded me of a star wars opening scene, which tends to open with spaceships. But I like that better in movies than books and want a character in the first paragraph, but we're in the last paragraph, close to the end of page one before we meet A. And then when we meet him, he is fussing about planet names and looking at charts, and it's not terrible but it's not super interesting, though the "Steve" line did make me laugh a little. I got a little confused in the second scene. Is that an organism (I think I might know what it is based on your short story) from the planet watching the ship? What is the difference between A and Processor A? Why is he sometimes just A and other times Processor A? I like how A really doesn't want to land planetside. This third scene is where stuff finally seems to be happening, but it still is building to it a bit slowly. J waking up kept me engaged throughout. And I like how her attitude about being planetside is so different from A's. Though I wonder if her reaction to the time lost could be a little stronger. Right now, I feel like the background and exposition is overpowering the characters. It's interesting, and needs to all get conveyed early on, but with more world-building than character, I'm not as hooked as I'd want to be were I paying to read. Edited to add: Keep in mind that I am saying this after reading three adult sci-fi books (including one that I almost DNF'ed) and coming to the realization that the pacing of adult sci-fi isn't exactly my favorite.

Positive qualities I feel very grounded in the world. It's detailed and the magic system is clearly explained and makes sense. I feel like you have just enough exposition and world building to set it up for me but not so much I get bogged down. What's not working for you or is confusing? Overall, I felt a little lost because not much happened until the end. In the opening scene, I thought Z was leaving to go on a mission with the other character, but then Z was just wandering around the street looking at bird until the person in red showed up. So in general, that left me a little confused about what was going on. Right before the fight with the person in red, I was almost ready to give up on the chapter. The fight gave it some direction, but it would've been more satisfying if it hadn't felt so accidental that Z stumbled upon that person. I also felt like it was over very quickly and easily. I wasn't worried during it. The stakes didn't feel super high. Though I am guilty of doing this with every fight I write, so maybe I shouldn't be criticizing it. Characters I'm not sure how I feel about them. Z's optimism and general acceptance of everything is a little hard for me to buy into, particularly in the begining when she is talking about her partner being captured and doesn't seem worried at all. I know you explain why, but it feels forced, and even with the explanation I almost don't believe it. But this could be because I am so prone to anxiety and worry that it's a me problem and not a the character problem. The other one doesn't seem like a problem, but also didn't come across super vivid to me either. Neutral feelings. Z's role If you're not sure with what to do with her right away, it's probably okay to wait a few chapters before you introduce her. Side note: Based on my "for fun" reading, I notice that I have a much harder time engaging with at least half the adult sci-fi and high fantasy than with YA, so if disengaged, it could be a me thing. I haven't read the other comments to know if they had similar or different experiences with me, but I know with your other book (which I LOVED) I tended to have opposite reactions to everyone.

Nice to meet both of you!!

The middle section in the market and near the end, the exchange with the brother were the most engaging parts for me. You also do a good job bringing in details about the world at a good pace. I felt a little overwhelmed by the first few pages for some reason and didn't engage right away, but I wan't really confused. I thinking the minimal exposition worked pretty well. I would probably trim the begining. Maybe open with the mc in the market already. I would also try to re-word the discussion about transness if you kept it. Maybe not use the "born in the wrong body" thing as a way to explain it. I felt like it worked better than the last version of this story. I got more vibes of it being a fictional culture this time and not specifically an arabic culture put in a fictional setting. But I'm not part of the people you're referencing either, so I'm not sure how much authority I have on the topic. I didn't really make notes while reading. My overall reaction was I got a little bogged down in the opening and almost wonder if you spent too much time explaining the character's body before actually getting to the plot, motivations, and stakes. That was the one part where you had a lot of exposition and it felt a bit heavy handed, or it just came too soon. I think it's fine to have that explanation, but once the story is a little more underway. Once we got to the market part, the character was working towards an objective. But then he got the info he needed, and the the scene with the brother introduced some new issue that may or may not be related. But other than those few things, I am intrigued and looking forward to reading more (and hopefully being more timely next time).

Thank you for the feedback!

I'm glad to hear I'm getting closer, and after I read all the comments, I think I have a pretty good idea of what the story needs. Thank you so much for reading!!

Hi Everyone! Here is the revised version of Misbound Proposal. I think I need a different title, but I haven't figured out a better one yet. I tried to sprinkle more hints about and set up for the haunting throughout the beginning. I also added scenes of J and A working together to clear out the tracks. I think it's getting closer, but still not quite there yet. I'm back at the point where I look at it and think "something isn't quite right but I don't know what." I'm open to any feedback, but a few questions I have are: Which emotional beats are still missing or still need to be cranked up? Does the set up work better for the haunting? Should I add more visual description of the setting? Is the end more earned now? Thank you!

This is making me think I definitely will need to trim the opening. There could be some debate with his parents about whether or not he can go if there are some strange things happening on Earth. That might be a good way to introduce it if I don't start on Earth. I had actually plotted this with a Save the Cat beat sheet, which does call for the opening to show the character at home before the big adventure. And even in Beowulf, you are told some of what Beowulf's home life as a hero is before he crosses the sea. And you know what? I was mixing things up when I replied to one of the other comments (I think @Mandamons). The swim with the sea monsters came up in the boast to Unferth later. He took a boat to the danes because he had his other men with him. The last time I read it was when a new translation came out right before I drafted this last year, so my chronology was a little messed up. I think there is a boast about a fight with lake monsters though, between Ben and one of the bullies. Which...him and Becca's adventure with the lake monsters could be a different way to start. And then they're in trouble for skipping practice to swim somewhere they weren't supposed to instead of the vandalism. It's not the same level of trouble and doesn't introduce Ned though. And he needs to be mentioned before they leave the planet because otherwise he comes out of nowhere later. I'm just throwing ideas out. I'll figure it out eventually, and I'm stalled on my read through of Ch. 2, so I'm not 100% sure I'm working on this right now or saving it for the summer. It seems like a good project to work on during my swimming season in the lake.

I have a revision of the train story if it's okay to go a little over the word count and have a spot for next week. After I added the things people said were missing, it came to 5480 words.

This isn't really a perspective I've thought about before. I think this is the first time I've made a school authority figure a villain. I'll see if there is some other role Ned can play. This is good to know! It's more in-line with how I was as a kid. I swam in elementary and middle school and did not take it seriously at all. Granted, I could not have been a character in a sports book because I did not care enough about my sport. I was trying to make B someone who's goal is to go to his universe's equivalent of the olympics when he's old enough. And I'd read two mg sports books where the kids had a similar goal and were super intense about the sport. I wrote this as mg, but I am wondering if maybe there would be benefits to aging it up to YA. I was going for something that should have gotten him ban from competing or even kicked off the team, so the stakes were high with him still being allowed to go. However, I'm also wondering if this is something that should change. I'm not sure if I'm starting in the right place, and if I move the opening up so he is on his way or already there, then this set up might not be needed. Thank you so much for the feedback!

I guess I have to be more careful of how I describe this story. Winning the swim competition is B's goal--the magic / beowulf inspired stuff (like kids disappearing at the competition B saving them ) gets in the way of that. He essentially has to fight the "monsters" / save the missing kids to stop the thing from getting cancelled. I haven't re-read the whole thing since wrote it last year, so my memory / what I actually wrote might vary. The Beowulf text actually does not start with that, though it is where the story itself actually gets going. My memory of it is that it starts with a bard in the hall giving a giant info dump, then there is description of what is happening to the people Beowulf has to save, but he isn't there yet. After we learn of his background, Beowulf has to swim across a sea, fight a bunch of sea monsters on the way there, then after a lengthy conversation with the coast guard, he is lead to the hall where there is boasting and drinking and once everyone falls asleep, then Grendel shows up to snack on some people and Beowulf fights him. It takes a while to get to that fight. Tangent aside, it is possible I'm not starting my story in the right place. I thought the inciting incident was B accepting the invitation to go swim in the competition. There are a few more scenes on planet, then by 10% through he is leaving for his adventure. Instead of fighting monsters in the sea he has to deal with bullies on a spaceship. And once he is on Earth, that is when kids start disappearing and there are clearer Beowulf connections. Throughout the story, there are specific plot points they hit, but also lots of deviation/twists on them. Maybe the story needs to start on Earth with the first disappearances. Or maybe it's fine if I start where I do as long as I reframe the scene so some things are clearer and it doesn't feel so resolved by the end. It's definitely something I will think on more as I re-read more of what I wrote. I think how I actually want describe and pitch the book will influence where I start it. Thank you for reading and critiquing!!

TW mention of animal (duck) death This chapter has been revised a few times already, but could still use more feedback from people who haven't seen the old version of it and I'm concerned some of my latest changes resulted in some clunky-ness. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, but I do have some questions. 1. Does this hook you into the story? 2. Does the character sound like a kid? Is the voice strong enough? 3. What about world-building? Too much? Too little? Just right? 4. Based on this opening, what do you expect the book to be about? What promises is the narrative making? Thank you!! P. S. If you want some background about the story, it is science fantasy. Part sports story, part Beowulf re-imagining.

Thanks! I probably will post a re-write in a couple weeks. I'm starting to get ideas about revising it now that it's rested almost a week. I have some ideas about this. :-) I've got ideas for this now. :-) I'm going to keep them together, I think. The letter can wait. Thank you @Sarah B @Mandamon and @C_Vallion!!

Tentatively me. I'm going to revise a book while I'm on semester break, and cannot decide which one...have it down to three options. So submitting one and seeing how I react to the feedback is a good way to know if I'm ready to revise it or not.

Thanks!!! Words are words. :-)

TW ghosts, language Hi All! It's been a while since I sent anything out!! Here is a 3,040 word story I wrote using a random word generator for a prompt. It's an early draft, so I'm sure it needs a lot of work. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, but also have some specific questions: 1. What kind of emotions does the story need more of? 2. Where is it most important to add those emotions? 3. Any thoughts on character and plot? 4. When J clears the road, I kind of skim over it. Do you think it works for J to do it alone? Or would you rather see her and A work together to do it? How detailed should it be? 5. Does it end in the right place? Or do I need to add more? 6. Both J’s and A’s pronouns are she/her/hers. If I use different pronouns, it was an accident. If you see any slips (most likely to they), feel free to point them out. Thank you!!! Sara

Now I have more motive to figure out how this short story ends, lol. I guess if I don't figure it out I can submit part of it and maybe the feedback will help me figure out how to end it.

Hi!! I'm back (I think), after a rather long hiatus. After months of revising on deadlines for various things that kept me away from here at times, and some major anxiety issues, I got very burnt out and had to take a break from all things writing. But I think I'm getting back on my feet now in terms of writing and mental health. I published a book last month--Earth Reclaimed! Some of you read my opening chapters a while back when I was working on developmental edits. If you want to read the whole book, here is a link to places you can buy it: https://books2read.com/earthreclaimed I drafted a brand new novel for NaNoWriMo (it isa terrible draft, but it exists). And now I'm working on some short fiction while I decide what to revise next. How have you all been? -Sara

If I finish the thing I'm working on and critique the thing that was posted for this week by the end of the night, I'll submit, assuming the other 4 slots don't fill

This I strongly agree with this. Though I have a completely opposite reaction to W. I find W extremely relatable and likeable. I think her getting tangled in the drama and complaining about is a very teenage thing. Or at least it is based on what I remember from middle school and high school. To me it seems to fit the character. I also like N. I also like W unintentionally creating problems for herself. Maybe this is the one I was thinking of when I said something felt off about the dialogue but couldn't remember where. Agree I also liked this. A is getting toxic and it seems healthy to step away from that.