shatteredsmooth

I'd like to submit on Monday June 22, if there is room. Chapter 8 is more or less ready to go, but its about 5700 words right now. I'm going to try to trim as much as I can over the weekend, but if I can't get it down to 5,000, can I still submit the whole thing?

Overall, this draft was a much smoother read. The prologue and the first chapter feel much more closely related. My one complaint about the prolouge was that I kept having to re read to make sure I knew who was who. The two prominent characters had very similar voices and alternating between referring to them by titles as well as names didn't help. The POV also seemed distant. In chapter 1, I have a decent idea of what A wants and his voice is a lot more distinct. The POV was tighter. There was a good balance of dialogue, description, and internal thought. As I read: "He was not cold." This line seems to have come out of nowhere. On a second read through, I realized it was related to a line from earlier, but I didn't make that connection until I read twice. "A knew he needed answers..." Clear motive. Good! "Fit some desert artifact into T orthodoxy or find another career." This line has good voice and tells me what the stakes are. "triskelion" Every time I see this word, I think of the S.H.I.E.L.D. triskelion in Cap America: Winter Soldier "Prince A..." Wait, he is a prince? Then why is he so worried about a job? "...give me the artifact if they wanted it distanced from the royal family..." I didn't get this impression on my first read through. "For a moment, he'd felt his worries ease." I hadn't noticed his worries really ease at all. "job on the line, maybe even his life." Nice stakes, but I might need a little more about why he needs a job doing research if he is a prince. Is it because this is his passion and he'll be distraught if he looses it? Or is he disowned from the royal family and needs the income? There are hints he is more invested in research than politics, but I think I would feel more grounded if I had a slightly more concrete idea about what losing the job would mean for him. "Experiments could wait until tomorrow." Not a bad last line, but I also feel like my expectations for a first chapter were somewhat unfulfilled. There is a purpose, and stakes. A gets information that moves him towards the purpose, but there isn't any big push to move us along. There isn't something to really push me into the next chapter.

Awesome! Thank you. I'm not in a big hurry, so whenever you get to it is fine.

Maybe. It means asexual. Someone who lives in the same suite. This might be regional phrase. Good observation. I'll work on this when I revise. Other angels might not. He is a little too into humans for his own good, though I'm not sure if that bit of info is relevant to the book or not. I'll definitely work on showing more when I revise. Yeah, this definitely is not one of my strongest chapters, and one of the tougher ones to jump into. Still, you made some good points that will certainly help me make it stronger. Thank you very much!

You've given me a lot to think about here. I've been writing M through the lens of how I felt towards certain things at that age, but with quite a bit more awareness of different orientations and identities than I ever had. I was very naive and immature at 18 when I was a college freshmen and way behind my peers, so I'm not surprised that she is coming across that way. I think because of how she was raised, she might be a little behind, socially, when it comes to interacting with people who are not part of the supernatural world. However, I did not intend it to sound like she'd still developing / figuring out the physical side of how things work. I definitely need to re examine that. I wonder if I'm trying to explain or tell the ace-spec side of it too much and in the process am completely misconstruing certain feelings and ideas. Maybe if I cut back on the telling, explaining, and internal monologue around it, and try to show it more organically, she won't come across so young. I'm a little worried about how readers who aren't ace would see her, and maybe I've been overcompensating too much. I guess what I meant was she was drawing a line about not mixing mind reading and sexy times. She hasn't talked to T & A about it in version you read. There were conversations, but I kept thinking they felt forced and cutting them. I did actually add a conversation about it with her and Mi in Ch.6 after rewrote the boundaries conversation He has a similar orientation, but is a few years older than her, and has already been through everything she is struggling with (minus the telepathic complications, obviously). I think there needs to be a scene where she talks to T & A about it, but I'm not quite sure where to put it. She really isn't, but is worried that T & A are going to be a thing without her and leave her behind. I'm not sure if that motive was clear. Before I sent it, this was all on the same day. Switching it so the match was a couple days later was a last minute change. I think I'll put it back so it all happens on Tuesday. I can bring this up sooner. It might actually work out well if I introduce it in Ch. 3, maybe have it lead up to the out of control healing of Tasha's arm. Makes sense. Thank you very much for the comments. I definitely have a lot to think about now not just for this chapter, but the whole book. :-)

I have to write a thing before I revise this, so more than likely, 2nd half of July would be okay. But if not, that's fine too.

July is fine. I'll send it to you at some point this week! Thank you! That will be good! I loved the robots, but they did not show up until the second half, and really didn't fit with the first part of the story. It was like it switched from quiet story with family drama and intrigue to some action packed pulp story. Maybe one day I'll write a different story with the giant killer robots.

I have a story (about 10,000 words long) I just pulled it from an anthology and was thinking of doing another revision on it before trying to find a new home for it or just putting it on kindle unlimited. The story got some positive mentions in reviews, but I want to distance it a little more from the anthology and its editor. I don't want to sub it through the group in installments because I'm trying to get a novel through right now, but I was wondering if anyone would be willing to take a look and see if you can think of anything I could change. I don't need a super quick turn around since I probably won't get to the revision for another month or two. A year or two ago, I did put this story through the group, twice actually, under the title the Mindless Nine. Now it's called Death Marked, and I've changed so much of the content that it's almost a completely different story now than it was the last time I submitted it. It's adult science fantasy with political intrigue at a royal party. There is some action, but the story is more character driven and focused on the relationship between two estranged siblings. The main character is trying to protect their sister from assassins and rebuild their friendship with her. EDIT: For those who did read the original version, the giant robots that had given this story its first title are completely gone. There is no mindless nine, no big battle, and no one dies.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just take the triangle out. I keep going back and revising earlier chapters so there is more romantic tension, but then I get to new ones like this which have been revised along with the earlier chapters, and it still isn't there. That makes I wonder if actually fixed it in the other chapters, He can take on a gendered form with the necessary equipment, but does not naturally have a gender. I'll try to clarify. Or just take that line about gender out. I'm not sure which yet. So in my first version of this chapter, when the Dad left, Mi was there asking who she had been talking too, because he heard her talking, but didn't see anyone, so she had quickly turned around with her phone and said she was talking to her dad. I took it out because I wanted T to be more of the focus, and the conversation Mi and M had was awkward in a bad way an didn't add to the plot. Thank you for the feedback!

I don't believe I read the last one. I remember the last time you sent something, I was overwhelmed with work and never got to it. Anyway, I didn't have any issues with having not read the other. This feels like the start of its own story, not any kind of sequel. My overall impression was that not much happened until the end. I didn't know what Z's motives were. He had no real goal and no agency. He just kind of stumbled into a situation. As far as themes go, there seemed to be something about the importance of faith, about false stereotypes and assumptions, and some symbolism about light and dark. Most of the world building was really well done, but I agree with @Robinski that it wasn't really clear what a S--ker is. One of the strongest parts of the worldbuilding was how you introduced the witches. A lot came through in the dialogue with out any major info dumps. I'm not sure about the mystery element since T claims that Z already knows who did it. T is one of my favorite elements about the whole piece. He's adorable and adds some humor. I liked the song, but the person who sung it seemed to come out of nowhere. The last line made me want to read on.

Content Warnings: S and N for kissing, removal of tops, and wandering hands. The kissing and partial nudity is on page 7 and 8 if you need to skip it. There is a somewhat suggestive sparring match before it. Hi, Sorry for this being late. My brain wasn't behaving this weekend, especially yesterday when my anxiety got pretty bad. The actual submission is 4058 words, but there is a short excerpt from the revised Ch. 5 at the end because there are a few lines of dialogue in this that might not make sense without it. That excerpt is about 400 words, so the total is still under 5,000. Anyway, whatever comments you have on this chapter are welcome. It might be a disaster. Focusing on any editing was more of a struggle than usual. I almost wasn't going to send it at all, but I feel stuck really need feedback to move on. Thanks! Sara P.S. I have made a lot of changes to the M, T, A dynamics in the first six chapters. I think I fixed some of the issues with M not seeming interested enough, but Recap: Ch. 1 The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes the guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). Ch. 2 (revised) M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, A, and the girl she met in class. Ch. 3 (revised) M meets Mi on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals Tasha's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy. M flees to her room, but Ally has company. Ch. 4 (revised) M missed the masquerade because Mi's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. M almost died fighting them. Ch. 5 (Revised): Mike said the ghost hunters are alive. M goes out for pizza with Ally and Tasha, where there is lots of flirting. Mi shows up and begs her to go with him to meet the ghost hunters. Fearing he's in danger, she goes, but their office was empty, and then a possessed driver tried to run Mi over with a car. Ch. 6 (last time). M was alone with Mi. They cuddle and talk a little about feelings and a lot about the paranormal. Ch. 7 (this time): Hurt feelings over breakfast with A and T. A sparring match with T turns spicy. M's mental shields and telepathy malfunction at a very inconvenient time.

After watering the garden, I came into the house with my hands full of strawberries that I'd just picked. My spouse looked at them, then up at me, and said, "Is that your serving of fruit for the week?" My response was, "No, there will be more ready to pick tomorrow."

I'm not a huge fan of snakes, but Virgil is cute!

I cannot function or accomplish anything if the TV is on. Either it is off or I am completely sucked into whatever I am watching. Anything in between literally makes my brain hurt. So my spouse watches a lot of shows now on his laptop with headphones on. That is awesome!

I heard that too. I never watched the clone wars show though.

I've heard this too, but it probably won't be the ones I really want (because they will be from the TV show, not the clone wars era books) The Mando show was actually pretty good. My in-laws got D*sney + so we use their account. My spouse basically said he was watching that show with or without me so I decided to watch it since it had been at least 6 months, maybe longer, since I had watched any kind of TV series.

I didn't watch Indiana Jones until the later end of college. I don't know if I ever admitted it to the forum or not, but I watched the Star Wars prequels before the original movies. Revenge of the Sith came out during my junior year of high school and I had never watched Star Wars movie ever. I remember renting DVDs of the first two prequels then going to the midnight opening of RoS. People went in costume. There were light saber battles in the parking lot. It was epic. Then I watched the originals on VHS and went on an Expanded Universe binge read where I did a lot jumping back and forth between clone wars era books, books set right after the original movies, and books that should've inspired the story line for the new movies. I will never forgive Disney for not including Jaina Solo and Mara Jade in the movies.

OK, really random. I don't like lawns, and I like to let them grow longer than my neighbors deem acceptable, but my spouse just bought a new electric lawn mower, which has a battery instead of a cord, and I am actually really excited about it. I had a corded one that my mom had bought it at a yard sale for $10 or $20 at least ten years and I took it with me when I moved out seven years ago. It was starting to die. We thought about taking it apart to try and figure out if the wiring was worn out or if the motor was dying, but decided the thing had run its course and it was time to get a new one. I'll miss the old one, but I like not having to worry about running over the cord. And the wheels are bigger on the new one, so it doesn't get stuck places.

This first time I watched it, I only saw the pilot episode and took a few years before I watched the rest. But that probably had something to do with the situation during which I watched the pilot... There was this guy my friend and I were sort of dating ( or not? Over a decade later I really don't understand what that short relationship was) when we were in college (I think r sophomore year) and I watched it with him. But shortly after that the relationship got toxic because he was an <insert a-word I can't write on the forum> and it ended. My friend and I are still friends, but neither of us talked to the guy again after it ended. At that point in my life, I just didn't buy DVDs and streaming wasn't a thing yet, so I didn't buy or stream the series. Eventually, after I met the person I eventually ended up marrying, I saw he had it DVD, and I finally got to see the rest of the series.

Ahh! She is missing out on so much!

I have done things like this many times. It sucks, especially when you have so much else to do. My most recent mishap involved a whole box of small dog treats spilling all over the kitchen floor. I was not happy, but for the dogs, it was the best day ever. I'm laughing out loud because it took me way to long to figure out what you were saying. Sometimes I am so slow.

I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I enjoyed it. After some of the more tense chapters, it was nice to have a more relaxing one. However, when I stop and really think about it, not much really happened. There is a lot of world building, but not much tension. There is almost an arc, but it doesn't quite land. I think we need a chapter like this to show us what her new job is, but something needs to happen during that chapter. It needs to have a purpose beyond just showing the reader about her job and the world. Something needs to happen to push the story forward more. I don't know enough about the story to really make a specific suggestions. p. 3 "This would all work out. It had to." This kind of line always makes me think it won't work out. I'm thinking of the end of Thor: Ragnarok, when Thor says something along the lines of having a feelings things will work out just fine, and then the next movie starts after Thanos killed half of the Asgardians. p. 4 "She didn’t wish to add the embarrassment of getting lost" I would get lost. "Being beheaded for tactlessness was not on her to-do list." Not on mine either, LOL. p.s. I love I's voice! P. 5 "The Black King is fond of a clear justice system, unlike the previous monarch." Either P is filling I with propaganda or BK isn't as bad as I thinks. p. 6 "and the stupid mundane animals" I laughed at this, but I don't think I was supposed to. I'm wondering if maybe "stupid" isn't the best word to use here. p. 7 "The cow began bringing nuts, dried fruits, and cubes of hard cheese. " For a minute, I was having trouble picturing this. I mean, I can see P carrying a basket in her mouth, but I was having trouble picturing her get all the food gathered. Then I was picturing it covered in cow slobber. Then, thankfully, I remembered she had telekinesis and things made a lot more sense, p. 8 "He walked in front, wearing nothing but a simple gold necklace" For a minute, I forgot he was a unicorn and was picturing naked human, thinking, whoa, they really don't care about nudity. But then that and the earlier comment about nudity got me thinking, would it be acceptable in this world for humans to just walk around naked? Does that ever happen? p. 9 "on a stolen boat loaded with gold." I am really starting to think I like BK better than the old guy. p. 10 "...An expensive illusion charm he keeps activated at all times.” “Thanks P. What’s next?” I think I needs to have more of a reaction to this. She seemed pretty certain he was Fae, but P just said she was pretty sure he wasn't. The last line is cute, but it doesn't really carry much weight. It doesn't drive the narrative forward. If I had picked it up off the shelf at the bookstore or library and was just reading for fun, its not a line that would entice me to keep reading no matter how late it was. Overall, this chapter had a lot of nice moments between P and A. It had some descriptions that evoked a real sense of wonder. I enjoyed it. But it needs more of an arc or a beat. It needs a little more tension.

That could help.

Yeah. Him agreeing to help is important, but I think ending with something more focused in Re would complete the arc better.

If WordCon 2021 in DC happens, and COVID is under control, I will probably go. If I can't get myself on plane, it's about an 8 hour drive for me. I did fly there once when I was in college, on this little plane that had two seats on one side, a center aisle, and then single seats on the other side. I liked that plane because I got to sit in a single seat, having both the aisle and the window. The idea of a plane itself doesn't scare me, but all the people give me anxiety. With that little plane, the people factor wasn't so bad. On a big plane, I think I would be fine if I forked up the money for first class or something.