TheDwarfyOne

I highly recommend him. The man makes prose seem like poetry. I will warn you that his third book in the series has been going to come out this year for the past ten years. XxxXxXxX XxXxXxX XXxXxXxX xXxXxXxX / XXxXxXxXxX xXxXXxXxX xXxxXxXxXx xxXxXxxXxX Lots of anapest and dactyls!

Written a while back: Kvothe's Walk Bled red of heart and hand Kvothe stands as King Alone before last season’s emperor; The scissor-tree which makes a warrior. Then sudden seizes wind’s imagining, Spins it into a tale of Taborlin, Remembers the mythologies of age. Such whips as these could make a mage Or raise the wind in channels, brim The bunching wind in blustering of hearts Until there lies a silence, deep as any inn’s Where memory is wrought by light of sins. The scissor-tree falls flat by namer’s arts And Kvothe walks through no-one’s applause to ease The knotted tree exhaling in the breeze. Based off Rothfuss' Name of the Wind

Tone and type of story: Pg. 1: Science fiction. Spacecraft, aliens. ‘Ship’ made me initially think of a naval, Pirates of the Caribbean-esque setting. Pg. 2: Slightly comedic? Glowing faces, obviously joking narration involving Frankenstein and Sherlock. Elements you’d expect to see: Pg. 1: An exploration of humanity’s superiority. The human is a pet. His agency is circumscribed. I expect to see his reaction to this. Pg. 2: Humanity’s place explored. The band showing he’s ‘tame.’ Also expect to see why there is a security need. Pirates? Pg. 3: Him caring for other species. Big, bad, and soft? Pg. 7: Kind of expecting a political element now. What climax: Pg. 1: Some form of battle to the death? Or perhaps an accidental death? Pg. 2: A slightly comical death? Something involving the security risk? Pg. 5: Gulliver’s travels vibe. In sum: There are elements of comedy, sci-fi, and (perhaps) political intrigue. I imagine it will be a comedic romp through space in which S is a perpetual klutz, culminating in a final confrontation. We’re definitely going to get more politics in the future. Humanity’s place will be explored, and the protagonist will meet the narrator. This will spell the latter’s doom, but likely unintentionally. The climax will likely tie this together. S will meet the narrator. The loss of his job is – presumably – the inciting incident which propels him to this meeting. I believe it will address the reader’s assumption that humans are superior. That being said, I don't know what shape the climax will take. I can guess what it will address and that it will involve the narrator and protagonist. Other than that, I don't know how the interaction of the two will bring out themes such as humanity's place.

Firstly, thank you all for reading through and critiquing! I am very, very grateful for your insightful - and honest - remarks. Secondly, I can see I read too much theory (and listened to a certain podcast...) too much without having the practical experience to understand its application. I'm glad I realised this before working on later, similarly flawed chapters. @aeromancer My username is working against me here. I sense context is the dominant theme between all critiques; will work on this. Sort of. Helios is the Ancient Greek embodiment of the sun, so 'sun-study.' I thought I made the word up, but apparently it is an actual field of study. Who knew? Don't be overly afraid of exposition. Gotcha. The problem being, of course, what you mention later; too much exposition. I'll attempt to inject it subtly. No idea how, yet. But we'll get there. Great review! Thank you. By the way, there's no such thing as 'Just a Historian.' @Mandamon I tried to do that with the discussion of the campaign, hoping that would hint what's to come. Apparently unsuccessfully! The 'people' here meaning the 'folk,' the citizen body as a whole. More clarity needed, I see. Yep. I'm beginning to see some overarching problems with my writing. Such as: Iron is fairly rare. But a good piece would have built that up somewhere without dropping it on the audience without context. Hold on, I think you summed it up: Very insightful, thanks. I haven't got around to reading your pieces yet, Mandamon, but everyone's criticism reminds me of last week's scholarly character. Certainly there was much dialogue. There was undoubtedly exposition. But it all tied together. @kais 15 minutes long because you're in a hurry, and I'm not that smart I notice you pasted the MC's name in your final quote! Would you mind taking it out, please? Edit: Just noticed Ha's name in same place. Thanks for the warning about epilogues and prologues. I love prologues, personally, because it serves to contextualise everything else that happens. I think I may remove this one and just keep the epilogue, though. It seems to do much the same job. Many of your later criticisms revolve around the D&H thing. I obviously need to clean up characterisation. H, in my mind, is like a beekeeper who cares for the hive but not the individual bee. The exception being D and others of her kind. She will become important to later stuff. If she is coming across as easily replaced by a lamp, that's v. bad. Ah, well, tried to make him feel good about himself in a way which shows her own complete misunderstanding of the situation. Or such was my intent. The point of L was to provide context on Chasm, which will be important later. In particular, this sentence shows the difference between the two nations. That being said, A's own hair is described in the same part, I believe. In the prologue, it's noted that D's head is shaven. I can't remember if I described Ha's hair, but I gave a rundown of his physical characteristics. Bulbous nose. Short. Wide. Glasses. I honestly don't understand this criticism, but I welcome further explanation! I... also don't understand this criticism. She's a student assistant. Who feels bad about letting a giant platypus into the room (now there's a sentence I didn't think I'd ever write). Then, when there is a true emergency, she becomes much more efficient than the male protagonist. Once more - I welcome further explanation! I think your criticism largely identifies poor characterisation on my part. Definitely something to work on - thanks for the feedback. This is probably not the right place for this, but congratulations on the wood working book! It's a hobby I keep meaning to take up myself. @Sarah B Thanks for taking the time to read it! Confusion is definitely a recurring reaction. I'm gonna need to do a lot of work, but at least now I have a firm idea of what's wrong. @Snakenaps This was actually a very useful comment. It helped me see and analyse the promises I was making without even realising it. Yay, someone noticed! Ahaha. The rest of your comments highlight my need for context and the questions I raised but didn't answer. Thank you for your post; it is very, very helpful.

I would say what happened previously... except nothing has.

I'd like to submit as well, please. I have an introduction of 1000 odd words and a first chapter. Should I submit only one or both?

Edit: Not sure, but I think internet problems caused a double-post. Apologies.

Well written. I look forward to reading more, which is the goal of any author. Pg. 1. Her stomach knotting painfully? “In thinly veiled impatience.” This doesn’t strike me as a necessary sentence. Pg. 2. “The proud, determined C was non-existent.” ‘Non-existent’ is probably too strong a word! XD ‘I nodded mutely before swooping’ might flow better. Pg. 4. “The freshly signed contracts a vivid imagine.” Memory? Image?

I have little to work on, having only read this chapter so far. Some thoughts: I liked the characterisation of M. His thoughts and personality were both clear. Dialogue in general was good. Pg. 1. Earthen walls? Pg. 3. “Though they looked uncertain at being here.” Maybe say something like “though they shifted under his gaze anyway” instead? Pg. 6. Sprang, not spring. Although I’m not convinced by this verb. Coalesced around? Formed around? Pg. 7. ‘The aura of green came alive.’ This feels too wordy to me. Without the rest, I can't really comment on how it fits within the wider narrative, but I liked it.

Reading the last through posts again before I posted this, I realised that there was some mighty strange juxtaposition between the last two posts XD When the Dwarven armies cry And stones are brought to light When the anvil sings and glory dreams When the Dwarven armies fight. Ten times ten thousand jewels gleam Beneath the mountain in our hoards of gold. The smiths are pouring molten metal to the beat Of soldiers marching in the street And axe and hauberk, chain and steel Are crafted in our halls of stone, Our halls where cowards crack their skulls And foes are like the new-mined stone. We are the Dwarves, we hold the depths And write our poems in the light of flame. What other race can you recall So full of honour, lacking shame? And when will heart be filled with joy, Or caught by beauty crafted well? When will your eyes be filled with tears And mind a brand a-flaming? When the Dwarven armies cry And stones are brought to light When the anvil sings and glory dreams When the Dwarven armies fight.

Beautiful as always.

Raoden again!

Thanks for the pronunciation tips - I tend to form my own and then get stuck with them. In a world like Sanderson's, you could go insane trying to remember all the different pronunciations. But still, I should perhaps look it up when writing verse. e-LANT-ris would be my pronunciation. I suspect we each form our own internalised ways of voicing the words depending on our own localities.

I once came down from Kae to see Elantris shining on its hill of gold, I came to see the people there For healing at their hands. I left with beauty on my mind, In my heart. Since then I have not seen a thing More beautiful indeed that it was then When waters flowed beneath the well And Aons shone with light. I long for beauty to return To this land. See here how dreams have been debased! See now this ruined husk of lifeless clay The dregs of Old Elantris gone, Last remnants of their art. It faded like a summer mist On the wind. I stand here now and curse my lot, The leader Raoden, or Spirit, tall But skin of mottled black and white Is hidden ‘neath my shawl. I ruled a Kingdom with my heart That won’t beat. But I can see it yet, the Light And how the people flocked to see it shine Like me when I was young, a child Who wept and knew true love. Oh Domi, if you hear my plea Bring it back. I really quite like Elantris (the book), not sure if that comes through

Raoden - Million Dreams (Greatest Showman) I close my eyes and I can see The place that's lighting up for me That I call my own Through the slime, through the Gate Through what were once flames of hate But it feels like home They can say, they can say that I am hoed They can say, they can say I've lost my soul I don't care, I don't care, so call me hoed We can live in a world that we design 'Cause every day I fight the pain The threat of being made insane A million dreams are keeping me aware I think of what the world could be A vision of the place I see A million dreams is all it's gonna take A million dreams for the world we're gonna make There's a place we can build Elantris, silver-lit and filled With things from far away The special things I compile Each one there to make you smile On a slime-filled day They can say, they can say we’ll all be hoed They can say, they can say we've lost our souls I don't care, I don't care if they call us hoed Runaway to a world that we design 'Cause every day I fight the pain The threat of being made insane A million dreams are keeping me aware I think of what the world could be A vision of the place I see A million dreams is all it's gonna take A million dreams for the world we're gonna make However big, however small We will be part of it all Share your dreams with me We may be right, we may be wrong But I swear that I’ll bring you along To the world I see To the world where there’s no pain Finally free and not insane, 'Cause every day I fight the pain The threat of being made insane A million dreams are keeping me awake A million dreams, a million dreams I think of what this place could be A vision of the thing I see A million dreams is all it's gonna take A million dreams for the world we're gonna make For the world we're gonna make.

I will now speak to you of something fair, Though words are crystalline and false - How else could I describe the fountain hair Of she whose fancied love I could not catch? Yes, I will speak, and it is false yet true That when I saw her first her eyes were light, Pure as the mountain air, the piercing blue, And sweet with joy that comes with youth. I could describe a beauty for your thought And you would see her dancing, caught in muse - Ah. I can almost see myself the lithe-like grace Of she who greets the mildest morning dews! But she is not so easy caught with words And so I dance around my subject's core - What would I say? Symmetry graces her With features men can't help but love, adore? No. I will not be known as one who caught in ice The truth of her - to freeze is here to kill. Instead, I'll tell you this - I loved her well, And venture that my spirit loves her still But I do not know her. I. Can. Not. Write. For she is fair, and beautiful, and swift But more is there beneath that surface-sight! Much more awaiting truth to lift Into the light. I sought her love, yet sought in vain For though I loved her well There's more beneath the surface than I know... Or that she'd freely tell.

With very little word-altering, this could fit Or, given the scientific bit at the start, her sister's original bonding.

*Sigh* Every time I visit this page, I seem to upvote your latest post. It's like a tax.

Ye gods, that was a good one.

Ye gods how did I not know that existed.

The Traveller? I don't know what/who that is, I'm afraid. Unless you mean Hoid, in which case, yes. It's meant to be Hoid.

I have to agree with Hoid. I am no artist except in the most basic sense, so it's nice to see it being done right. My favourites are Vin and El, and the sideview of the Parshendi. Very well done.

I seem to have forgotten to respond, but I really liked those. Good work! The jester sets his case upon the stone. Beneath a peaked rim, light eyes scan And note each undulation of the land. Notes, too, that wind and crem are all The audience that he will have. He sighs, then smiles a secret smile Meant for himself alone. No lesson to impart, No life to change with words. Just art And surety in its practise. The case is opened without flair, No stoop or bow or coloured hair Hide him from his bare crowd Of wind and crem. No artifice nor design Impinge upon his rhyme. And so he plays his pipe and sings The song of wind and sun Of gods in battle far and high Beyond the outer limits of the sky. He sings of love possessed And worlds in flame. But most of all he sings Of his own shame. He finishes with that same secret smile And knows There won't be tears nor pleas To sing his song again From wind and crem.

Moash /\

Hah, thanks. Out of curiosity, do you write yourself?