Mandamon

Thanks @C_Vallion, @Silk, and @Ace of Hearts! Thanks for all the corrections! Those will go into the next rounds of edits. I'll go back and look at F's reaction too, see if I can rationalize that better. More that it was really tall, but away from the wall. They hadn't cut back the length of the tower away from the wall. I can clarify. Good point. Can do. Yeah, this has been in the back of my mind the whole time. I'm changing up the delivery system a little in the second draft so spores aren't so dangerous. I'll look into this on the next edit. There's a little bit about this in the next chapter! It's a bit of each...which will have more ramifications in the second book ;-)

Thanks @Ace of Hearts! I'll be working on the emotions in the second draft, so hopefully will fill this out. This is another thing I'll be adding in, with more pushback from the other Admins.

If everyone's alright with it, I can submit the whole thing this week and see how it goes. That would be four slots with you and @jamesbondsmith, which is still technically below the 5 sub limit. If we get anyone more, I'll only do half.

Submitting again for the 25th. This will be part 1 of part 9. Unless... If I'm the only one submitting, does anyone mind if I take up two sections and submit the whole section? It's about 9100 words total and can easily be broken into multiple sections while reading. Only 4 parts left in the book and if I can do it this way, I'll be done mid-May.

Thanks @Sarah B Good to know. That's sort of what I was intending here. I see if I can make it clearer. Noted I'll check this part out.

Thanks @kais! I'm going to have to prop this up a lot in the book. Maybe they get spritzed with goop derived from the parents? Immunized to certain common diseases? And fed lots of sounds and sensations. I'll need to add some more at the beginning but I don't want to weight it down too much. I'm pulling the inspiration for this from Bujold's Vorkosigan saga, and because it frees up all genders in relationships. So I want to keep it, but I need to make sure it works. Sounds like this is consistent, so I'll adjust. Partially WRS. They did both agree, but I'm also working on upping A's emotions a lot during this rewrite to make that clearer. Do they not? I swear I've heard them do so...

OOoooooo. You know this is going right in the book. Pink bees! Thanks @kais!

Thanks @Warmacky! Most of that happened in a previous chapter, but there will be some more repercussions moving forward. Interesting. I can change this around if needed. I'll see what others say. Mainly I was thinking this was something outside the doctor's area, so he wasn't as confindent. Ah, that was in the previous submission! Another good point and another one I'll need to see what others say. It might be this is because you haven't read the previous sections, and it might be that I'm just missing some emotion here. Drones: yes. There's a bit earlier about that. On burial customs, This is actually a point I was planning to change, as those from the fleet would be used to recycling their dead into the ship's systems. Thanks again!

Whoof. So, here's the second half of chapter 8, and only one POV. That thing that's been foreshadowed with a giant neon sign? That happens here, so plan on emotions accordingly. You'll also notice I've started marking each section with the date. I'll be doing this throughout the book, and I'm changing the "chapters" to "parts" because they're so long. Let me know of any thoughts on this. Also tell me thoughts on anything else, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Sarah B and @shatteredsmooth! Sounds like this one went pretty well. I'm interested to see what you think of the next one. Ah, I can clear this up. I think I meant N had been taking care of the Vagals and Gens for a year, regarding them as "children." I'll see what I can do with this section too.

@Silk tagging to help out.

Thanks @C_Vallion and @Sarah B! Will fix. Also, glad it comes across as the end of an act! Thanks for the comments. I'm working on revisions now and clarifying Ag's thoughts toward kids Also working on J to add a lot more tension to her character! Another place I'm adding some more information on ship life to the beginning so this will make more sense. I'll clear this up. More that the fungus is growing into the turbines and clogging them. Another good point. I'm adding in some more resistance from the other Admins. Great catches overall. I usually end up missing a lot of emotional stuff on the first draft, so the second draft is where I add in a lot more of the emotional layer. I'll make sure this gets revved up.

Going to keep on keeping on with this one, and submit the second of chapter 8 on the 18th.

Thanks @C_Vallion! Yep, some others have mentioned this. I'm starting on rewrites now and this will be going in the first few chapters. Ah, good catch. I'll adjust. I think I need to add something about how they have the processes in place to refine resources but didn't have any sources to get minerals from.

This is much improved from the last version I read! There were a couple places that could be cut down a bit, but overall, this moved me through the story well, and we learn a lot about A in these chapters. We also get some powering up for E, getting ready for the final fight, and then a try/fail with going after M the first time. I don't think the chapters are broken at all. You couple maybe combine 9 and 10, but that also might make the resulting chapter too long. Notes while reading: pg 1: "I opened radar on" --the radar pg 1: "The first thing I needed to do was make sure I was right about who A was" --this is vague. Meaning E is trying to affirm his gender? Or is there something else? pg 1: "went on with the story" --what story? pg 3: "He traced the outline of a man and a lanky teenager. The man had a cane, and even in the grainy photo..." --Confused. Where is the photo? Chapter 8: I thought the pacing was pretty good here. It's all learning about A. and the arc reflects that. pg 5: "when our mom’s are mannequins?" --moms pg 6: the pacing in here is a bit slower, especially compared to the discovery of the last chapter. pg 7: The pacing picks up a lot when A emerges again. Maybe cut down the first two pages of this chapter a bit? Chapter 9: This one stars a little slow, but picks up a lot once we see the memory. We're learning more about A again, so it's got some good character building. pg 11: The try/fail here seems very quick. E's said they couldn't do it for an hour, and then suddenly they see the energy. What's different this time? Can it be linked to an emotion or something? Chapter 10: this chapter feels a bit short. I wonder if it can be combined with the previous one to show both the memory and learning to see energy? That might be too much for one arc. Chapter 11: No real notes here. The story kept me interested and it's a good try/fail cycle to progress things. I think it works.

Here's the first half of chapter 8 which is only two POVs this time. Things are getting real! This also contains one of my favorite parts, because I get to geek out a bees a little. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Silk Sounds like this one's reading fairly smooth at any rate. I think this is going to get added in way early, like the very first chapter. Ok, fair. Might be that this is a tipping point, but I'm not getting that across well. The next chapter will show some of that, but I'll work on bulking up J's speech and decisions to make them more definite.

I'd love to carry on with the first half of chapter 8 on the 11th!

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Oops. More resistant. Thanks. *eyebrow waggle* I'll take a look at the whole chapter and see if there's anything that seems incomplete. Glad that it's propelling you on though. That's definitely the intent!

Definitely a lot smoother than last time! I generally agree with @kais on the emotion. I didn't mark it while I read, but there is a lot of "stomach" going on with E's emotions. I thought the pacing kept up well through all of this, and I also agree chapter 5 was weaker and chapter 6 was very strong. It started to lag a bit toward the end, and I also got confused when the were stated as sitting at a booth after most of a chapter. Adding E as a friend to D adds some character backstory, but I think it could be shown a bit clearer. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Ignoring me was less likely than non-mechanical antique dolls moving around. " --had to read this sentence a couple times. I think it's right, just complex. pg 1: "They loved to dress him in feminine clothes to rebel against gender norms." --Can you just let the pronouns do the work in this sentence and cut out "to rebel against gender norms?" pg 1: "and blood-red eyes" --that's not creepy at all... pg 2: "Its foot moved forward." --this is a good place to show HOW it's moving. Jerky? Too smooth? Stop and start? pg 2: Mom talking is a nice touch. pg 4: "head butted calf" --MY calf pg 5: "We’ll come back for them when we’re prepared.” --D is surprisingly on board with this development. pg 6: "A wavered" --Did A introduce himself to E in the last chapter? pg 7: "How often did she see stuff like this?" --okay, some explanation for D's calm. pg 9: The pacing is much tighter than I remember! pg 9: "but if D had never even heard of people turning into mannequins, what were the odds of there being anything useful?" --I thought E was going to wonder about how calm D was. I don't think that's been completely answered. pg 11: The pace slows a little through here, but it's still good! They get some needed information and keep moving. pg 13: "I don’t want to say it just in case it’s a dead name." --I get why E might be more sensitive to this, but also 90%+ of the time it's just going to be someone's nickname. pg 13: "but I had a reason" --but then there's no reason given. It says A is a boy. Why would E then need to ask about pronouns? Is E saying the longer name sounds feminine? I think the thoughts behind these paragraphs are good, but they could be cleaned up a bit to flow better. pg 14: "They told my mom that they had to go away for a few days..." --This is very plotful when it comes up. D didn't remember any of this while ghosts and mannequins were chasing them around? Or when E expressly asked about hauntings and the mill? pg 15: "A couple people sat down at the table across from our booth" --oh wow. I did not realize they were actually AT the pizza parlor. Pandemic has trained me so much that when they said they were getting the pizza last chapter I assumed they were coming back to the house to eat it... pg 16: A little confusion with names through here. Is Mx. R the one who's away? Also, I thought Mrs. B's wife was the one they were going to call, but then later she's referred to as M. pg 17: We learn the name of the person "something" happened to here. I was going to call that out on pg 15 as vague, but figured D was avoiding it. But then she talks about E here. So can she just say that something happened to a friend, E back on page 15? That would make it a lot easier for the reader to identify what's going on with Mrs. B.

Thanks @kais Now I want to read this...

Good thoughts. I can address this in the beginning chapters. Yes trans, although she could easily be intersex. I'll ponder which works better, but yes, will probably need to pass it though a sensitivity reader. Suuuuure. That's exactly what I intended. I'm glad you figured out my carefully hidden secret allusion to melanin. *scribbles notes* Yeah, I'm going to need to adjust this throughout. I like @Ace of Hearts's idea about a viral pathogen versus, or alongside spores. Thanks @kais!

The second half of chapter 7 is pretty short, and only two POVs, but (hopefully) gives the tipping point between re-action and pro-action for the book. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! I think the next part will help bring everything together? I'll have to wait until tomorrow at least to see! Heh. I'm hoping the eventual conclusion on this plotline will work. Not saying anything yet! D isn't a POV character, but I suppose I could do it from An. Hadn't thought about that. I'll have to see how it would change things.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Good catch. Need to fix this somehow. Probably either adding more to it, or just saying "non-binary." I'll add some bits to it.