Mandamon

I enjoyed the characters. O seems rather hopeless, but maybe meeting up with M finally will help. I also liked B as the roomate. He adds a much-needed foil for O. Lol, I was doing that as I was writing this up! I think there's some problem with the setup, saying they haven't been able to trade information in the last 20 years. I think what was happening was O was disoriented and couldn't get across any information? If so, that could be clarified. One minute might be too long as well. I'd sure as heck figure out a way to transmit information in that time, especially if I knew it was going to happen every night. The sequence goes on for three pages as well, so I think it could be cut down to really show how quick it is and why O isn't able to give any specific information out. I don't mind the pronouns. I like Xie better than They, simply because it stands out a little more. I also thought the setting was more medieval in the beginning, until they started talking about plastics and colonies. A few words here and there could place it quicker. Note while reading: pg 1: "one minute was just not enough to get any information across." --My scientific mind immediately goes to planning out an information exchange in that time and how much you could transmit in 20 years...unless there's some inhibitor to their natural function while they dream. pg 2: “Ridiculous. I don’t even know where you live. I don’t even know your last name.” --Again, I'd think they would have at least traded this information over 20 years. pg 4: Oh, that sales pitch...oh my. pg 4: "version of the blood" --Wait, what blood? "dandelion blood" --oh...instead of sap, I guess? pg 5: "Latex from lion fern, sir.” --That's a very egotistical dandelion... pg 6: "like their brain was peeling from their skull, settled in." --pronoun switch here. pg 7: "had made no sales today and the crowds stubbornly remained slow and thin." --Ugh. I hate bad sales days. pg 10: "If it’s M tell her to shove off until we get the order finished.” --Eh? How does this work? Does B know about M? But O doesn't have any information about her... pg 12: "I take electronic communications and carrier pigeon, if you prefer.” --lol. pg 13: "O pointed to xir forehead." --Cool custom. pg 13: Did O not twig to the lady's name? I did... pg 14: “Maybe M is trying to get me to Met.?” --Again, I think we need more information on how much O knows. "Think about it." --Ok, so at least O got that part.

Ah--I may change this to a bug eating greens. I wasn't really happy with that analogy. Good reactions here. I was trying to show that the Council did have reasons for not getting involved, but I think I did miss out that some faction of the Pixie's asked for help. I'll clarify. This part has been greatly expanded. Yes. I'm just not using the word. Lol. Exactly what I was going for! Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Glad you got into it more as it progressed. I'll keep working on the beginning.

@Truthweaver and @shatteredsmooth, this is a reference to Seeds, where he's much older and does have a mustache (which is made of feathers, yes.) This might be too much to include. Behind the scenes, this is about 10 years after the society closed, and O would have been young when that happened. Since then, the members have gone around hushing things up, so it's not really a big thing anymore...Which is hard to put in a novelette.... K makes a couple comments, though. @kais, I've been doing some edits on the story tonight and I did end up including a few more sentences on this, as well as addressing your other notes. I think this might be what I want. He's about 25 here (vs. in his 60's in Seeds), so I was trying to go for naivete, with the arrogance to get him stuck where he shouldn't be. I can certainly do this to spice things up a bit more. Hopefully the bit I added tonight makes this a little clearer.

@Truthweaver, He's more of a bird/humanoid. Glad you enjoyed it and that the story wasn't confusing! Good point. I was trying to go for O being an arrogant *insert word* like he usually is and putting his nose into something he doesn't understand. I'm not sure that really came across in the battle. Maybe I can put in something with him trying to help and only making it worse. This might be too much to include. Behind the scenes, this is about 10 years after the society closed, and O would have been young when that happened. Since then, the members have gone around hushing things up, so it's not really a big thing anymore...Which is hard to put in a novelette.... K makes a couple comments, though. Cool. I can add this in. I didn't want to infodump, but I may have gone too light. And now I have research homework... ;-P Thanks @kais!

This. I noted the same below. I think @kais had the same reaction I did to your questions, so you can take most of my responses as the same. I can see where the story should be going, but there's not enough emotional reaction throughout, to J's arm, to the parent's death, to the triumph over the aunt, to the fear of the M.N....etc. I also think you need to keep the beginning, but you can slim it down. We really need a lot more interaction between the siblings. That's the core of the story. I'd also like to see a lot more description of the M.N. Why are they scary? What do they do? Is someone controlling them, or are they controlling themselves? My impression was that they don't emote enough when they react. I was fine with the action scenes, but I need more explanation to event. I'd rather have most of the divide in the original setup, as Kais suggests. The middle of the story is fine to add some more, but we need hints to start. I was pulled out by the alternating tenses. as you note at the end, the aunt needs a LOT more setup. I think it could work, but we need more to get that sense of victory at the end. Notes while reading: pg 1: "the wall rapidly rising around the castle" --Was this something that came up last time? Otherwise it's a little confusing to introduce it here. pg 2: "E activated their com, calling P" --I would think they would run to J to help? pg 2: "A door just malfunctioned and J lost an arm.”" --Is J screaming? Flailing around? I want some more reaction to this and from E. pg 2: "The purple energy field deactivated. The M.N. dropped into the castle. The energy field closed." --I was sort of ok with this quick description for J losing an arm--sort of a flash of something happening, but this feels like it's missing some description. pg 3: "E inhaled, digging their fingers deeper into the dirt" --is E inside or outside the wall? pg 4: “The M.N. are sealed in the castle, along with everyone but me,” --Ok, answered that question, but I missed where E was outside. Was that when the arm got cut off? pg 6: the change from present to flashback was a little jarring. I think it needs some separation there. pg 7/8: "they could reverse the electricity inhibitors. Access Denied flashed across the screen" --I had to read this twice, as there's no mention of anyone accessing the screens. pg 9: "J looked back at the other five guards" --Other guards? I had to look back several pages. You do say there were six guards when J is first introduced, but they're not mentioned after that. I was envisioning just E and J and some bots. pg 9: "afraid that if they looked back at the people voluntarily marching to what was probably a suicide mission." --Unfinished sentence. pg 10: "That was the act of a human assailant, not giant robots programmed for mass destruction." --How can you tell? And are the nine programmed for mass destruction? Also, need more emotion here. pg 15: Some misgendering of E in the fight with their aunt? pg 16: "confirming that the M.N. powered down" --Hmmm...along with the parent's death, I don't really feel any emotion here. No sense of triumph. The M.N. are never even explored, so I don't know what they've avoided. I'd really like more set-up with the aunt though. She's one of the most interesting characters. pg 16: “I never wanted to be an heir,” --Ah, here's the story. I want to read this one. This makes E seeing the pictures in U's room a lot more meaningful. Some more set up before this point would help. pg 19: "U used to seem so fragile, but she was stronger" --I'd like to see more evidence of this.

Hello all! Apologies for the length. I'm trying to get this story finished up by about the 10th of February and it's about 11,000 words. This is intended to be an introductory novelette into the Dissolutionverse (my book series). I'll be offering this as a free download to my newsletter list. What I'm looking for is: -Is it enjoyable? -Is the magic system and worldbuilding clear? -Are the characters engaging? -Does the story make sense? -Anything else you think of (even down to grammar and line edits, if you want. I'm not picky.) (One other point I forgot before) -Would this make you want to read more of this series?

Would anyone mind greatly if my submission for this week (and potentially for next week) are both around 5500 words? I'm trying to get this novelette finished up quickly, and it's about 11000 words total.

You'll find out! There's some crazy stuff...I think E and I are my favorite parts of the sequel.

Cool. I'm glad it has some good real-life similarities.

Awesome! (For authenticity, not for the anxiety). I wanted to make sure I got that part accurate.

Definitely! ;-)

I've been quite enjoying your conversations on here as well! Looking forward to showing off some of my universe next week...

Soon--I promise! I had to write this novelette because marketing lessons (it's about young O.) and then I'll get back to the big novel. So maybe 3-4 weeks?

To force myself to get this done before Monday, I'd like to request a spot for 01/28. I have a new novelette I've put together and need some eyes on it.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Glad to have you aboard! Like the others, I had some trouble getting into this, simply because there are so many characters and world events that seem to hinge on the first book. I'll second this. I'm still not sure what it has to do with the rest of the chapter, and it could probably be cut or moved to get to E quicker. While a lot of the writing is witty, I'm getting lost in the epic-length sentences. I've forgotten what it's supposed to be about by the time I get to the end of the explanation. I'm also not a big fan of this narrative style, but it is very well written. I'm going to go with "Yes, you overplayed your hand." To your main question, I thought E "acted" well in the story, but like @kais, I don't get a good sense of who she is. There's a part where you show she's injured, but it comes out of the blue and I have no idea why. I'd peg her as 11 or 12, just from context. I think this is a really good idea. I'm working on my first real sequel as well, and I'm having to balance having an exciting first chapter with reminding the reader enough about what's going on. So overall, good writing, but a bit heavy on the narrator and over-long sentences. It can be tightened up a lot to make sure the reader remembers what happened in the first book before getting into more narrative tricks (if at all). Notes while reading: pg 1: Wow that's a long first sentence. pg 1: "rather like a broken clarinet" --I listen to a lot of classical music and I have trouble hearing this. pg 3: "He was revealed to Our Unfortunate Guest, who was even now attempting to shake the old woman’s fingers from her arm, in a burst of flame, for the bald man – his looming abilities born of a massive and similarly spherical stomach -- had attempted to light a lantern while holding two wine-glasses, and dropped all three." --I had to read this sentence several times. --and the one after this. It might be even longer. pg 4: "“My friends – She stabbed him." --ok, that got my attention. pg 5: "She opened her mouth again. Explaining the murder had been a bit of an oversight. Then it all disappeared." --Now I'm just confused. pg 7: I like the mosaic... pg 8: still pretty confused, but I like the story. The prose tone is a little offputting. pg 8: This is...another POV? The palace's POV? pg 9: Wait, we're still with E? Confused. PG 10: "She had the full range of motion now, but hadn’t quite figured out how to use it." --What range of motion? pg 11: "spiteful cook who had once left a finger on it" --do what now? pg 12: I feel like starting in at this point with footnotes is overkill. They could either be used before this point to shorten some of the longest sentences, or taken out. pg 12: So is E2 actually a simian? Or is she somehow human but withered away or something? pg 14: It's at this point that I decided to read your summary of book 1. M's sparkling outline was what finally did it for me. I was trying to go through as a new reader, but there are many hints in here that this is the continuation of a story, and if I was reading, at this point I'd be trying to find book 1 to figure out what the heck is going on. pg 18: Nope, still not really sure what's going on. pg 19-23: This last section explains things a little clearer, but there's a lot of the two men interrupting each other, which makes it hard to understand. I also don't know the significance of the frayed paper R signs, so the end of the chapter doesn't really resonate with me.

I think @kais pinpointed the things I had trouble with. We note a lot of the same things. My main problem was a lack of tension. I'm not sure whether to expect story about a robot attack or a story about a fancy party. Much better put than what I was going to say. This may be why I thought this was going to be a story more about E vs. U rather than E vs. robots (which I think it is?) This exactly. Right now, the events are kind of fractured. There's rivalry between E and U where I don't see why there should be any. I'm guessing this is an artifact from the original version. E rousts out party guests who are crashing as well as deadly robots. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to pay attention. Notes while reading pg 1: first paragraph is kind of clunky with repeating E's name several times. (Also, I have a villain with the same name in one of my stories and it's throwing me off...) pg 4: "debating whether the Goddess used magic or science to terraform their moon without any snark or shrieking" --I think you mean E and U debated without snark, but it reads that the goddess did the terraforming without snark and shrieking. pg 5: "reported catching glimpses of The Mindless Nine" --I feel like this should have a much bigger impact, if they are definitely doing something. On a differnent note I wonder if having so much information about the mindless nine early on diffuses the tension. I'll have to read on to see. pg 6: the confrontation with the aunt is a bit awkward. It seems more plotful than naturally ocurring that E blurts out about slavery. I'm also not sure what any of this has to do with the story yet. Something happened the night before, but there's not enough information to even guess. pg 8: the tension is off with H. as well. He's quickly caught. It says in the next paragraph that E finds more party crashers, but we didn't know they would be expecting so many. pg 12: I'm not sure why the aunt is so important, rather than E and U's parents. I'm also not sure at the quick change in supporting U to supporting E.

I was sucked in while reading this, but then I love worldbuilding / exploration, although now I want to explore the world more rather than focusing on leaving it. I think because you've introduced a community who's figured out how to survive, when the epigraphs are showing how things died. It sets up a reader expectation that we're going to discover how to make the planet more habitable. On looking back, though, I agree with @shatteredsmooth about needing more of a focus on E's emotional reaction to T being gone. This was a bit of a change of pace from the first chapter. I didn't have as much of a problem with confusion, however, I think (ironically) because I grew up reading a lot of the old pulp sci-fi. This has a very similar feeling, even though it is obviously from a newer society. Second this. Also agree. Notes while reading pg 14: I love the reveal of the impossible lake. pg 15: "left you out there for it" --not sure what this means. pg 23: "“This is the equator on the sun side. It’s a strip, two miles wide, that stretches all the way across the planet." --Cool. If I remember right, there's actually a planet in one of the old Foundation books that works on this principle. pg 23: The last line is great.

I guess I should add to this... I've done a lot of work with Worldbuilding over the years, so I could say I have some experience in that. I also have a good grasp of etymology related to Latin and Greek, which I use to help create a lot of the in-world names and naming conventions I use. I'm a mechanical engineer, so I know physics and science as well as more esoteric machine operation and construction. I've practiced martial arts since 2003, and I have a lot of experience with traditional karate, as well as how the human body moves (connected with my mechanical engineering knowledge). I occasionally run panels at cons about how to write/research fight scenes. Tangentially to writing, I've been on three Writing Excuses cruises, and I've learned a lot about networking for writers and have a large community of fellow writers I know. My spouse and I also run the alumni portion of the WX scholarships for the cruise every year, so if you want any more information on that, let me know. Coincidentally, they just posted the scholarship entry form for this year: https://writingexcuses.com/2019/01/16/writing-excuses-retreat-2019-scholarships/ I would HIGHLY recommend anyone who can to either go on the cruise or apply for a scholarship. There are 4 available this year, if you don't have funds to pay for a cruise. I self-published my first book about 6 months after my first cruise, and I now have 5 books self-published and a sixth coming out from a small press later this year. I can 100% say this cruise is the reason I'm writing as much as I am now. Feel free to PM if you need something.

Ha! Great minds think alike, right? I'd do some wordsmithing on this one, simply since someone else thought it up before you. If you trigger a memory or feeling the reader isn't anticipating in a story, it can throw them out.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, and congratulations on joining a critique group! This place has made my writing a thousand times better. Like @kais, I am critiquing for publication, so let me know if this isn't what you want. Overall, the writing technique is good, though there are some passive sentences. I like the hook of the demon inside the lady, but I need to know a LOT more about this at the beginning. Also, you pretty specifically mention a demon that I believe is limited to a certain game company. I've never heard the term elsewhere. You may want to adjust. To this point, there were about 9 pages of relatively boring travel before we got to anything that interested me. I think the first part could be cut down greatly into a page or two, and preferably, get the excitement of finding out the maid is hiding things from her very early on. Right now if I started reading a sample of this, I'd probably put it down before I got to the good part. I think the dialogue between the demon inside could also be pumped up. I was thinking it was just her talking to herself until near the end, when it's obvious there is a different personality buried in there. Notes while reading: Pg 1: The tense change between the italics and the rest of the text threw me out of the story. pg 2: The conflict in the italics gives way to a very slow intro. Any tension is gone for me. pg 3: There's got to be a good reason 22 marriage courtships have fallen through. pg 5: Lots of thinky thoughts here. Nothing has actually happened, 5 pages in, and I'm starting to skim. pg 6: "You had that opportunity once though. Before you shattered it into a million tiny pieces." --22 times? pg 6: "You can’t hide your feelings forever, She says. Sooner or later, you’ll have to let them out. You’ll have to let me out." --at this point, I'm hoping for a werewolf... pg 9: "but it is the sight of the contents that causes me to stop and stare in surprise" --Here's something exciting...which doesn't get followed up on in this chapter. I was sort of assuming the handmaid was abducting her for some reason. pg 10: "My cursed heritage, a gift from my father, screams as a clarion call from the mirrored surface, broadcasting to everyone in sight my tainted parentage." --also interesting. Having this sooner would pique my interest a lot more. pg 13: "Seven gold crowns" --do you mean silver? pg 13: "They are my children…" --Didn't understand this. pg 16: "her mouth opens in the preemptive gestures of a scream" --this would have more impact if I knew what Vathe blood was and why it's scary. pg 17: "daedric" --isn't this specific to a certain company? Might even be trademarked. I'd like to see more threat between the internal voice and the character. Right now it only gets interesting at the end, and I think it could be a really good hook for the start of the story. Something like "I struggled to keep my demon caged within me. If my handmaid only knew...etc, etc." Anyway, looking forward to more!

Yes, I think this would help. I was going to suggest something like this, but wasn't quite sure about when I first read the piece. Now, I'm leaning more toward it to give E more immediate grief. Having the headband as a more recent gift might also help. Not sure if that's plot relevant or not...

Lol. I was wondering about that. Overall, this was a quicker read, and a lot faster to get into the meat of the story. I'm still not completely on board with the end of the chapter. I feel it's still lacking something, or the order of things (listen, then stab?) is wrong. There's more urgency to E discovering T may not be dead, but still not the hook that I really expect. Maybe because it's stated earlier E stopped searching three years ago, so it's not given that urgency earlier in the story? I dunno, I'm rambling at this point. Notes while reading: Lots of references to "click." I'm not sure where it's a sound the beetles make, or something the avalanche mortar does, or what, but the word is repeated a whole lot. pg 10: "grip on one of the low, wind-bent trees " --I don't think you've described any vegetation so far, so I'm assuming a dune sea with no plant life. Suddenly having a tree by the rider throws me out. pg 10: Ah. The M's recognition of E works a lot better in combination with the headband. pg 11: "some chitinous impact" --with an insect? Is there something else on the dunes? Is the suit chitin? pg 12: "a maple species I’d engineered to grow" --Interesting explanation, but I'd still like their mention sooner in the story. pg 13: "Now back off and listen." --This helps with the ending, but now I'm wondering what the woman has to tell, expect the chapter ends. Also, she stabs E after telling her to listen, which is sort of weird.

Yessssss. Will do.

Thanks for introducing yourselves, @Severian4Scadrial and @Alderant! It's been a little quiet around here for the past couple months, but hopefully it'll pick up again. I think I have an introduction waaaay back in this thread somewhere, but @Robinski, @kais, @industrialistDragon and I are pretty regular with critiques and occasional submissions. I've just finished up the first draft of my latest book, so I may have something coming up in the next few weeks. Great to have some other viewpoints to the critiques!

WorldCon hotels are open as of today! I've got my room, but several of the nearer hotels are already filling up. Just a hint, you might be able to find better rates on hotels.com if you get some of their "secret prices." One of our choices was less expensive through WorldCon, but was filled up. The other was cheaper through hotels.com.