Mandamon

Thanks @Robinski! Going to keep reading through the feedback. Good catches as always. Your feedback is always very helpful!

Thanks @industrialistDragon and @Atium! Not a lot of comments is a good thing! I can definitely see that. I think I need to spread this stuff around, or just cut it. Funny enough, the parts you said should go earlier were actually cut from the over-thinky first chapter and moved here! So maybe I just need to condense them. Another vote for this. I'll look into it. Yay--I think? ;-)

On for the 18th, if everyone isn't too tired of me...

Cool! I haven't gotten anything yet, but it make take longer for overseas applicants...

Welcome back @molah, and congrats on the Honorable Mention and novel!

Thanks @kais! Glad the new POV went well. He's fun to write, and I get to put in all the snarky side comments... Like this one ;-) ehhh..sort of half and half. I'll have to check on these. Thanks for the catches. I'll do that. Glad I could make a political meeting tense!

Overall, this was an interesting story, and hooked me with the first sentence. It could do with another pass on the prose, especially from a blocking standpoint. The main problem I had was that it was so short there were few markers for where the S. was in relation to the people she was fighting. There are also a lot of questions raised, for example who is the guy with blue skin, what exactly is the S's relation to the people she's killing, and what about the mystery of C? To your questions, I didn't really get a sense of any magic system. S was certainly stronger or more resilient that normal, but I didn't see anything particularly magical. In fact, I was a little confused at the beginning as I thought S was holding a sword. Then with the evidence of guns, a blue-skinned man, and color pictures, I was assuming this was more Sci-fi. I actually got a pretty good idea of S's character, just from her persistence and arrogance, to some extent, in her power. I didn't find any instances of "TK..." There's a lot of potential here to expand and create a longer story, especially to answer some of the questions raised. pg 1: I like the first sentence. Good hook. pg 1: 2 -> two Write out numbers pg 1: "She fired and a defining noise filled the room" I was assuming a sword from the first paragraph, so it took a minute to catch that this is a gun of some sort. pg 1: "She drank the liquid" --what liquid? pg 1: "thought to think" --could just be "thought" pg 2: "on the man, her father" --ok, that's a twist pg 2: "She pulled on the weapon’s barrel, ripping it in half." --I don't get a sense for where she is in relation to the guard.

Hello all, Chapter 4 this week. As always, let me know what you think. This is the first of a new POV, so let me know how it works. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly.

Good point. This may be something better to put in a conversation between O and R if I take @industrialistDragon's suggestion. Ok, glad this is getting through at least somewhat. I'll have to work on this to bring it out while taking V out of the equation. I really like R's POV too, so I don't really want to take it out. That's a second good reaction to the end of the chapter! I'm excited to see what you all think of the next one... Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

Also in for Monday the 11th and Chapter 4

Good point. I'll see if I can clear this up. There's only a few Rilan POVs in the story. Mostly it's the apprentices. Now I'm wondering if I just need to take out Rilan's POV altogether. Good point, especially if I change the stuff with V. I may need to take all of that out. Hmm...I think something from the first book may not be getting across. In my mind, R got torn down a lot after the events in her home city. She got a lot more reckless after that point. Seems like it's not getting to the reader as I meant, so I'll need to do something with this. Or, if I take out R's POV, that would also fix it. You know, I think she might... Thanks so much for the comments, @Atium, @kais, and @industrialistDragon! Aheh...we'll see how you like the next chapter.

Heh--yep, it's already out to the public. However, I could still make a revision to it at some point. But if you're looking for priority, I'd go with the new book chapters. Thanks for the comments, @Robinski!

Awesome! Glad to see you around again! Thanks for the comments. Glad this is easy to get into even at the third chapter. There will be more coming!

This definitely has better direction than the first time. I like A taking the initiative to go out and try levitating again. There's also a lot more direction to them looking for the person who brought the cottage. Again, the prose is good and I enjoyed reading this. P is a great character! I think you said last time A saved the guy they were looking for? I still didn't really get the connection except that he was sick and his name is Jake. He's described as around 70, right? Wouldn't A notice that the person she saved was an older man? Right now the description doesn't say anything about that. Could be a good connection to alert the reader why A had the feeling that she needed to save this particular person. pg 1: "and felt like they had been punched in the chest" --Just because the cupboard was empty? pg 5: "A’s instincts brought them to food." --Lol. good instincts.

Hello all, Here's chapter 3--all new stuff! Let me know what you think. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society.

I'll have another chapter ready for the 4th...

Yeesssss....

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Lol! There's actually an epigraph in the first book that hints at how the prison got built. But yeah, I'm thinking this section just needs to go. It is a bit of a cap on the V/R relationship, but maybe I'm the only one who actually wants that. Hmm...yeah, he's pretty much toast, so not likely to add anything else to the story. I'll see how this reorganizes when I take out the prison section. Glad M's scene seems to be hitting better.

Eh, probably just need to take this out. I don't think it's working. Hmm...I'll see what the final consensus is. This is the only scene he's in, and mainly to get to the inciting incident for R. I'll have to see how that plays with other readers, and whether I should just condense it. Cool! Hopefully it will do the same for potential readers! Glad the scene with M seems to be working better. I finally figured out what part he's playing, so I've got a clear direction. I can rework R's scene, probably on the next draft. Thanks @shatteredsmooth and @kais!

Well that would tie in more directly with the story, but yes it would need to be set up more deliberately. Right now A stumbling on the owner detracts from them "protagging" and makes them less competent. If A and P were actively searching out the owner and A manages to save him, that would give them more agency.

I didn't have a lot of comments about the content. Despite needing another editing pass, the prose itself is pretty good. I just don't know if it fits with the rest of the story. If this is going to be a novel, I can understand taking a tangent for a while to explore the world, but if this is going to be a shorter work, then I think this is taking words away from the main story. After last week, I was looking forward to seeing a lot more of how P and A work together, and instead there's a strange road trip to nowhere, and then A saves some random people. So to your question as to what to do with it: First off, I'm not sure where they're driving to. Might be WRS. Second, if this is a shorter work, I'm not sure there's time for A to go off on a side quest to save people in the ocean. Or at least, it needs a better explanation for why this happened. I could be off-base here. I'm interested to see what the others say. pg 2: “Don’t use that metaphor on me, please,” --this is almost breaking the fourth wall, not reading minds. I read the previous sentence as the narrator voice, which Pete shouldn't be able to hear... pg 4: I understand A has anxiety, but I'm not sure why they got upset over not going into carpentry. Was it that they felt they wasted part of their life, or was it because P started talking about auras?

Hello all, Here is chapter 2 of the sequel to The Seeds of Dissolution. Some of this got subbed before, but it's also quite a bit different. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing.

Definitely!

Cool! Good luck!

I should have the second chapter ready on 02/25. Might be a little delayed, as I'll be selling at a con all weekend.