Appol PhD

@kais Can't speak for everyone else but that's fine by me. We don't have a full roster this week so I'm guessing it won't be overwhelming to the others as well.

I'll definitely look into that! And I might message you with my reactions if I end up sticking with it.

This seems to be the consensus. I'm going to cut this prologue (for now). Good to know! I've only started reading romance in the past few months, actually, and was surprised at how much I like the genre, which is what prompted me to write this. So if you do keep reading, I'll look forward to hear how it reads from someone who has more experience with the genre. No pressure or anything though! And yeah I'm hoping other people are the same with the straight vs queer narratives... this story's in a weird spot where the MC isn't queer like what would be expected for queer lit, but almost everyone around her is. We'll just have to see how it reads, I guess!

Guess who's finally here Overall: I really like the addition of "O wants to be a hero," which helps a lot for the beginning-middle of the chapter and for explaining why she's here. I think it also does a good job separating her from N/At, and I get different reads on them in a good way. At is more reserved and a wanderer type that seems lonely while O is determined and single-minded to get this mission accomplished. The info K gives is easier for me to understand as well. the main point where I faltered was after K left. At this point, her only conflict is to survive the space pirates which to me was not as interesting as the conflict of her not getting her questions answered by K. I assume her getting attacked by the pirates is necessary to set up larger narrative sweeps but if not I'd honestly remove them entirely. And if they do stay, I want O's "I'm gonna be a hero" to relate to the situation (but in a new way that shows us something besides the frustration/grit we've gotten so far), or I want it to get cut down fairly substantially. As I go: pg 3 -I'm glad the hero thing is showing up in the first paragraph. Helps me orient myself. pg 4 -I think this reads better with the context of her wanting to be a hero. A six year hero's journey for nothing? Can't blame O for feeling so down. pg 5 -I'm not a sci-fi ship nerd so take that into consideration but I think a lot of this can be cut. I'm just looking for the highlights of what we need to know about her ship right this moment. pg 6 -I have a better understanding of why she's so stubborn pg 7 -"...just the right collection of DNA to prove that Ard did more than bless the N people with science." This line seems super important, and I don't quite understand it yet. What is she hoping to find in the DNA? -The paragraph below tries to explain it but I'm not sure what exactly they're looking for in the DNA to make those conclusions. Shared genomic ancestry with... something? Genomic admixture? As someone who's done genomics work and is interested in the subject, this is a bit of a hangup for me. pg 8 -I like her talking to the poster more now that I know the background between her and Ex/At. pg 9-10 -Between the time the message about biomaterial shows up and the message about the ship shows up, not much really happens. I think this can be trimmed down a bit. -I think this time I get a better feel for what's going on in the conversation. Knowing that O is far out and doesn't know anything about where she is (and that the people here don't know much about her people) helps contextualize this pg 11-14 -I understand much better this time that there's a time crunch and that's why K is being curt. What I'm still not sure of is why. pg 15 -Oh, pirates were following her. I didn't catch that before. pg 16 -Why did the tow strap disengage? I think just a simple explanation could help here as to not make this conflict seem forced. -I feel like the personalities kinda break down here in the dialogue. Panic makes sense, but right now it feels like generic panic. -By the bottom of the page I'm back in the groove, though. pg 18 -I'm either going to need more explanation on that "rapes natives" comment or have it be removed because I really don't know how to read it. Not knowing how uncomfortable I should be about it is another kind of discomfort. pg 19 -So the comm is a long-distance one, right? Is it from a planet a few light minutes away?

Yeah I guess that is what I was doing. And interesting to hear that from A's perspective it wasn't totally clear that he was the antagonist. I'm guessing this won't be as much of an issue if I just cut the prologue and we view him through the eyes of the protagonist. Thanks for your insight! Well, that's a pretty clear sign this isn't the place to start. Guess it's hard for me to let go of prologues filled with background cutthroat quasi-political shenanigans like this even as I switch to YA romance. Moot point since I'm cutting the prologue for now anyway but interesting to hear that this was the point of confusion. Guess the text wasn't as explicit as I thought. If you're curious, B's wife is dead before the story starts, and the son has also inherited the disease since it's genetic, but is still alive, which is what A is trying to pressure B to help him with. True, true. Thanks for your thoughts!

Overall: One thing I think this chapter sets up really nicely is S' niche in the story. They stand out because they don't trust elementals, and their pro-science views go along with that since it means they're less reliant on elementals for the society functioning. We see that these aren't mutually exclusive, either, since their mother accepts both even as F views scientists as witches. Whatever edits this chapter goes through, I want this to remain a strong focus. I think the chapter could benefit from some adjustments in other ways though. Right now it feels like we're being introduced to the characters and the world, and there's not much that really happens to advance the characters or setting ideas presented. That being said, it's difficult to set up this world and begin to develop its ideas all at once, but I think a clearer sense of what I'm missing here is conflict. I get the impression that the conflict is supposed to be S going to this meeting, but the chapter really isn't about that and I don't have a good grasp of why this meeting matters so much, or more importantly why it challenges S. I can infer a bit of where the story is trying to go. S doesn't trust elementals so a meeting with a bunch of mages who rely on elementals for power is a bit of a headache, but I don't really understand what the stakes are. Or what the setup is, really. Can we expect them all to act like F? If the story's going for "here's S dealing with an ambassador in a small scale, now they get thrown into doing so on a much larger scale," I think it can be more straightforward about how the dynamics will carry over. As I go: pg 2 -I like the magic dynamic here. Power comes from elementals that can really mess with the humans if they want to. -At the bottom of page 2 I feel like I need a bit more about what this invitation means, since it is the hook after all. pg 3 -Oh okay so there's some disagreement about how dangerous the elementals are? I think it's important to see some concrete facts here so we can judge the situation for ourselves so it doesn't become they said vs. he said. Does S have notable examples of when an elemental has controlled someone? What would be E's and A's counterarguments? pg 4 -Okay so now we're dealing with missing ambassador. Does this connect to the earlier topics or is it a new point? Not really sure what this means for the story rn. pg 6 -Why is S the one who's rescuing F here? Is them being able to talk to elementals important for this? pg 7 -okay this answers a lot of my earlier questions. Good to see S interacting with an elemental in person pg 11 -Maybe "the mother" could be in caps? I keep doing a double take because I think S is talking about their mother for a sec. If she's a deity-type figure it would make sense anyway. pg 12 -Still don't feel like I understand ambassador politics that well.

@karamel I'm really happy to hear your thoughts and just listening to people talk about stuff like this can really help me come up with my own ideas! In this case, though, I don't think that's the story I want to tell for now. But something along those lines is good to keep in mind for if I want to add more paranormal aspects to this story down the line. I don't think I'd kill off the mom but I have considered adding in more monster hunting elements. We'll have to see if that's necessary. There are other fey-related people (B's son shows up in chapter 1, though nobody in the story knows he's fey-related at that point) in the story, but the cast isn't that large overall. We really only see 3 fey-related characters: B, her son, and her mom. B is the only trans woman in the story and I'm thinking that she and A don't really need to interact much, honestly. Thanks for your thoughts, and no need to apologize!

Yep, yep. Hmm, this line of reasoning is really interesting to me. It sounds like he doesn't necessarily need to be less evil or more sympathetic, but rather clearer in what he wants to do and more vulnerable? Even in the main novel, he's kinda a generic stock villain. I was wondering if I could get away with it since the main tension is going to be in the romance so he mostly acts as a way to force external conflict but if it's jarring here I'm guessing it will be jarring there. Thanks for pointing this out! Yep, fey is right! And good to know. Well, neither of those happen so yeah I think this prologue is going into the trash for now. I can tell that there might be larger issues with these characters later on but this band-aid prologue clearly isn't working so I'll think about it more and wait to get feedback if I don't come up with any epiphanies. Most people have been saying it's okay, which is a relief for me. Hopefully any doubts go away when we skip this prologue and the first introduction to a queer person isn't "woman with a dead wife." Yeah I wrote chapter 1 planning to have no prologue actually and only added the prologue in after wondering if I had a problem with B and A not being set up well. I think I'll just stick to chapter 1 since so far as I know most romance novels don't have prologues. Again, I feel like A in particular could require a lot more work... Thanks! This was super insightful and hit a lot of points I would have missed otherwise (like A being pretty cartoonish).

Thanks for your responses, everyone! This feedback confirmed what I was wondering about , which is that this isn't where I want the story to start for a YA romance. If I run into problems with these characters later I can address them then. Yeah that's the main worry I had with this prologue. I think I felt like I was missing something in later chapters and this was the band-aid solution at the time. Plan now is to cut the whole prologue and workshop any issues with these characters when we get there. Okay, this is what I wanted to come across. I might need more help with this in the future since B ends up being fairly non-traditional for what someone connected to the fey acts like. Yep that is part of the plot. The idea was A thinks that B would need his help to access the healing magic, which I'm realizing wasn't clear. I'll keep this in mind for later encounters with them. And yeah, B is trans. Thanks for your thoughts! I've noticed you always do a really good job of figuring out the main things that aren't working. I'm glad that their general dynamic came across! The kids breaking up is a minor plot point that's relevant later. Since the prologue is probably getting cut, I'll leave it to later chapters to explain it. Yep B is trans. I'm now realizing that it's more confusing than it needs to be since magic is in the picture. Thanks for your comments! Not in a good way for him or for the story? I'm trying to get the story to make him hate-able. These are really good points I hadn't considered, and I think all this will be clearer if we just jump to chapter 1. Another reason to do so. Heh, glad my typos and grammar weren't too bad. I always have a hard time catching that stuff. A is a pharmaceutical CEO so B is talking like uber-rich. Multiple people commented on this so it's simple enough to take it out (well, I'm taking the whole prologue out but I'll watch for it in the future). She's mostly trying to get a rise out of him anyway which there are other ways to do. She's definitely supposed to come off as precise and sharp so I don't think the line is doing her any favors. Yeah this is supposed to reveal that there's something really sinister about J since it's such an outlandish thing to say. Maybe too on the nose? B's wife is dead, and I wanted to make sure that wasn't a problem to be the first thing that you learn about a woman is that she has a dead wife. Moot point now since I'm most likely cutting the prologue. There are supernatural elements, but it's primarily romance set in contemporary Earth so I wanted to gauge if it would be a good fit for the group. And straight as in the MC is hetero. Thanks for the exhaustive comments! Even this "reduced" critique is still comprehensive and I really appreciate all the effort that goes into this! Seems like most people are in agreement about this. Easier to cut the prologue and workshop the problems it "fixes" when we get there. Yep! The healing part is where I stretch things a bit more. It's supposed to imply that B is fae-related (I said this above so I don't feel like I'm spoiling anything). Well, this definitely makes me think I need to keep an eye on what J does in later chapters. I suspect he'll require a lot of work for proper buy-in... or I can change some plot elements. You're not the only person to say this, so I'll keep a watch on it. Ah, that's something I hadn't considered. Here's hoping it feels more natural when this gets explained more, but I'd appreciate more feedback about the dynamic when it does come up again! Thanks a lot for your comments! Well let's hope I get there by the time I finish my PhD because I do not do well with any sort of confrontation. This is a really good point and I'm glad that there's someone here with more expertise in academia than me since multiple adult figures in this novel are science profs. *jots down notes for what to do if weird aggressive stuff happens in grad student office hours* I probably don't need to tell you this, but further feedback about the academic references is much appreciated! Hmm I'll try to keep an eye on this in the main novel since I'm most likely just cutting this prologue, but I think it's even less clear there until it's straight-up revealed. If there are any more moments when you feel like you should be getting more about what's up with a character that seems to be supernatural, feel free to let me know (no pressure to comment more than you already are though ofc)! Huh I hadn't considered that with the primate comparison. And good to know about characters who are dead when the narrative starts. That's how I feel as well, but I wasn't sure how widespread that opinion was (I think I don't notice bad queer rep as much as a lot of other queer people do). Oh yeah, B definitely doesn't work with all plants but her specialty is in genomics which seems more applicable to a side project with a totally different study system than other forms of plant science. Like my internship advisor a few years back had me work on population genetics of Aconitum which she had never done anything related to before and it went fairly smoothly all things considered. Though it helped that it was a diploid genome (I don't envy strawberry researchers). So B does work on only a few genera most likely (I haven't thought of specific ones; is that necessary?), but she feels confident that she could learn a genomic analysis for many different plants (maybe not seedless plants because those are weird, but maybe!). And part of it was that she's also trying to simplify it for A since she's mostly trying to say "I can't help you." Sorry, can get a little carried away talking about this stuff. Excellent. Thanks for your comments! I'll probably be asking more questions about if characters are believable for science profs. Learning that I might not know my advisors as well as I thought.

Ooh, a short story. And creative writing classes, fun! Wow Name of the King was your first creative writing piece? It reads super well for that being the case. My early writing was so much rougher *glances nervously at my old fanfiction* Overall: Agree with everything @kais said about the lack of stakes and arc switching up in the middle. I'll say that I think it's very very difficult to have a short story that's both about Z caring for her friend/mentor and Z having an arc around racing. It feels more like the plot of a novel, honestly, where you're allowed to have multiple plot arcs for the same character. And for what it's worth, I feel like the story really wants to be about her caring for L and the racing is mostly a backdrop. I also think their interpersonal connection is where the most storytelling potential is, and it was the part I was the most engaged with during my read. So I'd like more stakes around that rather than the racing. Who is L to her? He gives off mentor vibes, and I'd love to see more showing about how he's helped her. This story kinda gives off vibes of "The Cold Equations" by Tom Goodwin so if that's not something you've read then I'd recommend looking at it. It's a good example for how to build stakes around a situation where one person is in deep trouble and they're just... kinda waiting. Also, if you really want to push this short story to the max I'll say that most short stories are... pretty weird. Idk how else to describe it. SFF is a little more lenient in that way but Z and L feel like pretty easily understood characters which is not true of most short stories I've read. Though this may be a literary thing that doesn't matter as much for SFF. Regardless, what I'd like to see is both of them feeling more distinct as characters through attributes that are unexpected but make sense for the characters. And if it goes into the weird territory, feel free to embrace it. As I go: pg 1 -first paragraphs in short stories need to have what my CRWR prof in undergrad called "artful incongruity," which basically needs to be kinda weird/distinct in a way that raises questions about the story and acts as hook. Right now, space race is cool but stock standard. I do think this hits the other good aspects of opening paragraph though, since we know what's going on after just a few short sentences -there's a very decent chance this is just me being an ignorant American but I'll say that the ship's name M sounds like a Congolese name and that's kinda how I'm picturing it right now -the arc about her winning a race isn't as impactful imo without full context. Many sports movies focus on a revenge/redemption motivation for a reason pg 2 -Like the straightforwardness of where we are, since I was having a hard time picturing it pg 5 -This is when it looks like the focus of the story shifts. Generally not recommended for a short story pg 11 -Oh wow is he actually going to die? I'm not sure I understood how bad the damage was, and I kinda assumed in a sci-fi world they'd have pretty good emergency medical care and that help would come soon. But he sounds really bad right now pg 12 -Okay here's where I'm the most invested. Character connection, huzzah!

D for reference to the opioid epidemic in America, nothing graphic Greetings, everyone! This is the prologue to my novel A Bond of Wildflowers, subtitled "an ace/aro tries to write straight romance for some reason." The novel itself is YA paranormal romance, and I'm guessing it will be clear quickly that this prologue is... not that. The reason for this is that the two main characters in this prologue are important for shaping the external conflict that affects the MC and the love interest, but I couldn't find a reason to bring them in until like 2/3 of the way through the book. I know that most romance novels don't have prologues, so if it's not necessary I might just cut it. Questions for after reading: 1. General reactions (were you engaged?) 2. Is it clear what A thinks B is? Do you think this should be clearer? Less clear to preserve the mystery? 3. If these characters show up partway through the book and Archer starts causing problems after what's been mostly romance, do you think this prologue is necessary to prepare you for it or for it to not be jarring? (I understand if it's hard to tell at this point) 4. Is the "kill your queers" a problem here? 5. Would you be interested in reading more of this? I know all genres are welcome but I also don't know if straight teen romance is super appealing for this group.

I believe there's room for one more slot, so if that's the case I'd also like a spot on Monday the 22nd.

Ooh, now this is interesting. And it also means that we need a way to read around A, even in the first chapter. It's tricky to do, but it can be really cool if done right. We need to immediately recognize that the sister won't be a damsel in distress, even as A thinks she is, or else we'll just be totally tuned out of her character. And then by the time she does do something cool, it will be too late. Yeah there's a lot of potential in having A be mostly beneath the count's notice. I think this goes hand in hand with not representing the count as pure evil since the count's motivations will require more ironing out if he's not looking specifically to antagonize A. Though I think they can also work well together. If we see the count doing some awful stuff but behaving pretty reasonably towards A, it creates a good kind of cognitive dissonance where we're not quite sure how to feel about him.

As I go: pg 1 -I think it's important to have a character hook in the first paragraph. Better to get us engaged immediately then set the scene. -my reading of A is a preteen/early teen right now, since he seems unaware of these delicate adult political dynamics. Let's see if I'm right about that. pg 2 -lotta description but I think it's okay for now because it feels old-timey so the descriptions evoke a certain writing style. Keeping my eye on it though pg 3 -So A doesn't like being here, which is fair. I want to see a bit more from him. I get the impression that this sort of thing is new to him, and I also don't fully understand why he's here. Does he know what his role is? -hmm... fat, comically evil lord person is not a trope I like. Idk if you're also American but in the US we have quite enough "fat goes hand in hand with bad" going on with advertising, narrative media, ect. Is this trying to parody that trope? If so, it needs to be clearer to me. And even then it's just not something I like to see. pg 4 -Okay so A is 17. I wasn't sure about my guess on his age before and it's good to get that cleared up now. I would think that being 17 he'd have a bit more of an idea about nobility dynamics, and I'll expect him to have decent skills in deducing adult matters in general. pg 6 -I'm wondering what the point of this meal with the count is supposed to be. Did he give any reason at all to the family? -...Is this going to be a "you were eating human flesh the whole time!" sort of thing? It kinda gives off those vibes. pg 7 -Well them staying the night can't be a good sign... -When he falls asleep is a good place for a scene break -I'm worried about the sister going missing turning into a classic "damsel in distress" type thing where she only exists as plot motivation for A (which I've been guilty of, so no judgement if it does happen). Or if she gets killed off as plot motivation for A. -I feel like this is when I should point out that I don't read gothic horror at all so take that into account pg 8 -The prison thing feels a little over the top. Is that on purpose? pg 9 -Did he not notice his parents were missing before? Were they sleeping in separate rooms? -Okay there was that comment about the demon thing earlier... Has the dude always been a demon or did a demon replace him recently? Not that I expect them to talk about it but some more background could help us piece together the info. Unless the count really doesn't matter except as a stock villain (again, I don't really know how these stories tend to go). pg 10 -That escalated quickly -Why does A matter to the count so much? Why is his despair so important? -Again, I feel like when he loses consciousness there should be a scene break -Hmm G being introduced made me pause. Guy seems important enough, especially since he went missing, that I feel like he should have come up before now. -Wouldn't commoners be more likely to believe their count's a demon than more educated types? -Good to get answers as to why A was targeted. Still, why is he the one who's pure of heart? Wasn't his sister also described as being pure? pg 11 -What does the sister being sent to the master mean? Like, what is the master going to do with her? If it's something the story doesn't feel comfortable talking about then it shouldn't be there at all. -Girls' virginity being a big deal thing is also a trope I don't like, especially if it's to make them seem pure. And to justify holding them hostage. And potentially doing awful, violating things to them? This brings up a larger point that I feel like I need to know more about the sister in general because she seems important. I can accept tropes I don't like more easily if I can see the person behind them, and right now I really can't. pg 12 -How are they supposed to survive without water? pg 13-14 -I was engaged throughout this. Nice ending to the chapter. Overall: I definitely read this as if it were serious, and I really don't know much about gothic stuff as I mentioned in line edits. My main questions were about characterization and plot. I think more could be done with both A and his sister. The characterization issues tie into the plot for me, since it's important that A be pure of heart for the demon to target him... but I dunno, that feels like kind of a sloppy excuse, even though I know some stories do function this way. Maybe this genre just isn't for me. Regardless, I think more work needs to be done establishing why A is special and why that gets the demon's focus on him, and the sister being an actual character. The mom could use work as well but if she's dead at the end of the chapter anyway... idk. That being said there's a lot of potential here and it was a really engaging read overall. My comments are critical here but I did enjoy it overall.

Maybe! Now that I think about it I'm guessing it would be easier for kids of this generation to picture adults as kids since when adults talk about their childhoods it's often in public online spaces kids have access to. Not that every kid is reading online message boards or whatever but there's just so much more information about what adults were like as kids compared to what we had access to (I say "we" even though I'm also a zoomer). I really like this dynamic, and I think there's a good opportunity for them to be counterpointed with regards to heroism. Imo the best character foils have a lot in common since that makes their differences stand out even more, so At and G4 are set up well here. I think this dynamic is the #1 thing I want to feel about G4 (including At not being invested in heroism) during her opening chapters to help me differentiate her from At. I think that's why I thought it might work well to have a scene more in the future where the "At screwed up" is clearer, but if you can establish the dynamic around heroism in the scene you have written out then I think it works.

As I go: pg 1 -Don't understand the full context here, but I don't think I have to. There's enough that interests me in the first half page -Ohhhh okay so I got confused and thought G7 was addressing multiple trainees and was very confused by that. Only figured out at the end of pg 1 that it was a comment about trainees in general pg 2 -I like the flower imagery. In sci-fi I need more description than usual since I have no idea how to picture anything so this helps me latch onto something pg 3 -I think the whispering to the wind could be internalization instead. Also seems like the heroism of discovering the planet is what she's focusing on here so that's what I want to see more of in her internality pg 4 -I like this dynamic already. G4 was in the kid's place not long ago and now she has to be the authority. pg 5-6 -Wow I love A so much pg 7 -The "do you remember what it was like to be me?" Feels too self-aware even for this very observant kid. Not that a kid wouldn't have that vocabulary, but I don't think kids spend a lot of time thinking what older people were like as kids. I'd expect something more like "You're barely older than I am. If you can do it, I can do it." -Have I mentioned that I love how formally A talks? pg 9 -I don't quite follow why G4 is convinced that A is going to be the one to find Ard. Also, is the idea that they're eventually going to pass orbit with the planet and be able to see it by just flying on the planet? Overall: This is helpful for background on the N planet for a new reader like me, and I really enjoyed it. Maybe at this point it's just my focus being weird, but even in this chapter I still felt like I got more from A than I did from G4. A's the active one here and G4's getting dragged into stuff, so I find myself liking and focusing on A more. Maybe I just like kids (in concept, anyway. Haven't worked with them much). Still, if I were to read this chapter blind, I'd think we'd be following A and not G4 in the future, since G4 seems to be setting up A's character more than doing anything for herself. For the questions: A. I think something to give us more background is necessary if O starts in isolation, but as much as I loved reading this I felt like I learned more about A here. Personally, what I want to know is why G4/O decided to leave the planet and follow in A's footsteps (that's what I think happened, anyway?). If A is super important to G4's motivation then these are good scenes, but I'm not sure they're enough. So... maybe this is like when geneticists say a gene is necessary but not sufficient. B. I think either is fine, but I'm adamant that our first introduction to O's PoV should have her not be in isolation. I just think it's so much easier to establish character dynamics in a non-info-dumpy way when there's another character present. So if she starts out alone in her ship in last week's chapter, I think this needs to come before. C. I think shortened, not because the scene itself is too long, but because there needs to be room for more to do with G4's motivation in striking out and looking for Ard (or was she looking for Pri? It takes me a while to get all this stuff straight, which is just a me thing and not the story's fault). If the scene itself stays with no other background on G4, I think the length here is good. In that case, I think some of the beginning parts could be trimmed back to make room to deal with G4's motivaitons.

As I go: pg 1 -I read other people's responses before starting but I wouldn't have known O was their name if I were reading this blind -Jumping from corpses to "waste of time" makes me see this person as fairly cold and uncaring (about anyone besides herself anyway). It's an interesting response that I'm keeping my eye on, but I'm not 100% sure it's intentional pg 2 -How does this universe handle time dilation? I'm assuming it's addressed in earlier books but I thought about it when light years were mentioned pg 4 -I like the talking to the poster here. I think anything more would seem like too much/too performative for conveying info but I think the story can get away with what it's doing now. -I can tell that she's willing to sacrifice a lot for this DNA which is good but I feel like I need to know at least a little about what she plans to do with it pg 5 -head? Of a ship? Of a person? pg 6 -small thing is that saying she laughed and then having her compliment the name is redundant info. It's easy for me to get taken out of the story by stuff like that pg 7 -okay she's looking for people she's kinda genetically related to. Is it about proving something? Finding a new home? pg 8 -Hmm I feel like the other person is trying to convey what their deal is but I don't get it. Are they pushing O to make a decision because it's dangerous with all the rubble around? Because they don't like her? Because they just want to get on with it? pg 9 -In one way I do like O sticking to her guns, but it's also frustrating for me to see her make this decision because it seems like it will leave her in pretty bad shape. I think what I might be missing here is a sense of history. I'm more willing to accept that she'll sacrifice anything for these DNA samples if I know how persistently she's been chasing them in the past and why. pg 10 -again, considering that K seems to be interested in O, I don't get why his time is so short. Is it a practical thing (like fuel) I missed a while back? pg 11 -okay so the motivation here is repatriation, and potentially being let back into the guard. This is good and I think should be clear sooner but it's also very close to N's motivation from the first chapter. As a new reader I'm having a hard time not seeing O as discount N, unfortunately. Her methods are different but her objective seems the same. -Wait are people shooting her? Why? I can't tell if O not paying attention to the explosions indicates her being so far inside her own head she's lost awareness or if it's legitimately not a big deal pg 12 -Not sure who the message is from. K, maybe, but I thought he was gone and the new ships are unfamiliar. Maybe more of his people? They aren't the ones causing the explosions, are they? pg 13 -this is a good ending in itself I think but I'm confused enough that it doesn't have the impact I think it should. I'm guessing that if things are cleared up this will be fine, but it's hard to say for sure. Overall: I'm a big fan of many different PoVs in a row, so I'm glad to meet this new character. Unfortunately, I feel like I don't have a great read on her compared to the other two. She seems to have the same motivation as N, but also being alone means we don't get to see her personality come out in interactions as much and her coming after N means that for me she lives in N's shadow. And compared to S, I feel like I don't know nearly as much about her history and how that informs her motivations. Is there any way she could start the story by interacting with someone in a non-time-pressured situation so we get to see more of her natural personality shine through? Even if it's a pit stop along the way. And what sets her apart from N? I get the impression the story is trying to have the focus on the DNA cover this, but I'm less interested about the methods she uses than who she is and what she wants. Which means that like I said before, when it comes down to it she seems quite similar to N. It also seems like the discovery about the interbreeding here is a big one, but as a new reader I can't say this means much to me. What does it mean to O? New cultures to explore that will allow her to learn more about her own? New people to meet that she sees as distant relatives? As it stands I'm not quite sure. Also agreed with the others about points of confusion. I'll let my LBLs speak for themselves on that front.

Better late than never to read and write up some comments, right? As I go: pg 1 -T really doesn't seem to like E much, huh? Why did she accept E acting in her current position (been a while since subs so this could have been explained)? Does she have a plan to deal with E? Right now she seems all attitude and no action. pg 2 -Crisis against the monstrosities? I want to know more (doesn't necessarily mean more needs to come now, but I will be watching for this) -What traits made E good for the job then that are gone now? Still not really sure what E does tbh so that may be part of my difficulty figuring out where this assessment is coming from. -A little thing that's been bugging me. E's been at this job for a while, right? So blurting out something to the rest of the galaxy that she immediately regrets doesn't seem like it should happen without a good reason. E seems mostly lost and while that's helpful in having us learn stuff with her it's hard for me to see the experience we're being told she has. pg 3 -Like other people have been saying, I think we could use some hashing out of gender/sex dynamics here. Unless otherwise specified I'm going to assume that gender in other sapient species works more or less the same way as in humans (being mostly stagnant with a few genderfluid people), which raises questions about how this combines with the sex switching. pg 4 -So who's voting here? Is the group that's being talked about here powerful enough to swing the vote on their own? -Why do they see E as their god, exactly? pg 5 -I like T's comments here. The fact that a religious faction is swaying politics right after they deposed a god-emperor really highlights how unstable the whole situation is. This is a dynamic that I think should stay and I wouldn't mind more focus on it. pg 6 -Top of here is a good place to go into T's motives since we're kinda there already. I think they could be more specific. What does freedom mean to them? What does seeking and sharing knowledge look like? -I need to know a bit more about this gut feeling of T's that E is not the same person. Also do they mean like they think she's been physically replaced by someone else or just that her personality is different? Overall: Agreed with everyone else that this doesn't seem to advance the story much. One thing to keep in mind is that "advancing the story" doesn't always mean flashy events. It seems like T is going to be a major PoV character in this story so they should have their own motivations, plans, arcs, ect. While one good way to edit this would be to tie it back into the larger narrative about what this means for the space station they've taken and the galaxy, ect, I also think the story needs to decide what T's narrative is going to be about, at least for the start. Once the story gets that locked down it's easier to direct the chapter so that it advances T's personal story. Right now they're fairly one-note to me. That one note is a good one and I like them as a character (especially since they seem to be right that Et isn't all that competent tbh), but I can't see where their personal tale is headed. For me that's the biggest issue right now. Good luck moving forward/editing!

Looks like everyone got here before me... As I go: pg 1 -First paragraph feels like an info dump and I'm not feeling it tbh. 2nd paragraph is good and I can see how it's trying to build to that moment to shift the tone, but I still prefer starting off in the action of the story -I'm curious why this seems like no big deal to people other than S. Is it a routine occurence to have planets blow up like this? pg 2 -Like that we get a bit on how S sees Y, both physically and as a person -I don't follow why this is the planet A's fault but I don't feel like I need to know right now. Seeing S' conviction is enough... so long as we get more info later pg 3 -The communication here works well because S being interested in the planet P is set up. I care about what MP has to say about P and how that affects S pg 4 -I think I understand their dynamic. MP is affiliated with the people that enslaved/did terrible things to S and her people, but they feel for S and are trying to help her. S doesn't want anything to do with the people who caused her so much pain even though she's desperate for information at this point. If I'm right props to you for setting up a complicated dynamic like that so quickly -middle of the page is mostly stuff I was assuming already. I honestly think their messages make their dynamic clear enough that we don't really need any background -Okay, the implications of the statement at the bottom of the page aren't super clear to me. How exactly does P's destruction make these other people from the J system more of a threat? I don't really get it and I think this is important for me to know. I also wouldn't mind a bit of exposition from S about the J system, honestly, so long as it's still character-rooted. I'm guessing she doesn't care about it as much as MP does. pg 5 -I also feel like I need more about how the planet of E actually plays into this. Also, it sounds like E and At are on the planet of Ar? "Conflict of Interest" doesn't really give me any idea of what's going on. Does S know what they're talking about? -So the moon K is S's homeworld, is that the implication? If I had to guess I'd say the whole thing was abandoned when it got out how horrifying the experiments were. How does S feel about this place? The description makes the broader dynamics clear but what I really want to know is what this means for S. Is it a chance for her to reclaim for herself the knowledge that was used to hurt her? Is it a place so terrifying and scarring that she never wants to set foot on it again? I'm guessing somewhere in between. pg 6 -It wasn't clear to me before that S dislikes adventure and change. I think this is more powerful if it's shown in her reaction to P being blown up or when she's talking to P rather than told to us here. Right now it feels like it's being thrown in to force her to be conflicted, if that makes any sense. pg 7 -Not immediately clear to me that N is the one speaking -Her internal thoughts here are another case of something that I think could be shown in more detail. We learn that she wants to uncover her past and be surrounded by people like her, but what does that mean for her? What parts of her history is she excited/nervous about uncovering, and what does she feel like connections with people like her can bring that her social life here can't? Also, as much as I love the hitting people with a coffee maker, it feels a bit comedic for what seems like a very serious topic. If I were enslaved I'd want to do a little more than hit people with coffee makers. pg 8-9 -Nice to see a bit of Y's personality here. I don't hate him as much as I did last chapter -Good ending that cements her taking up the metaphorical sword to become more active as a character Overall: Not sure I have too much to say other than the LBL comments. The stuff with S thinking about her past and talking to P is really solid overall, and my only comment is that I think there's room to give her more specific motivations about what she's interested in (going home, learning history, finding other people like her, ect). Right now I can see (almost) anyone in her position having her views, and I want to see her personality inform her desires in a way that's unique to her. I think I need a bit more on the mission she's been assigned to. I get that there might not be space to explain every relevant tidbit to a new reader, but I don't really know how S feels about it which I think is the bigger issue for me here. Also I still don't really get why they want S to be doing this even though they talked about it so I feel like I should. I definitely enjoyed reading this and I'm interested to see more!

She was the primary protagonist of the first three books so this intro is meant to help ease the old readers into a book where she isn't the lead. We will see how that goes... Oh, okay! My comment meant for the rest of the chapter, not for the rest of the book. In this chapter she's really the only character I care about. LOL there's four whole books on this! It's hard to write a little intro short like this when there is so much history that I have to compress into about 5K words Cool cool that totally makes sense. I think what would be helpful to me then is to know if Y being a total jerk here is par for the course so far as their interpersonal relationship is concerned or if it's an unexpected thing. I don't need it 'A' to make sense to me, but I think I do need to feel like it means something to N, and have that come from her rather than G4 assuming it means something to her. Even something like "it had been so long since she heard that name," tells us that it's meaningful to her and a deep part of her history in some regard.

As I go (gonna try to forget previous drafts and start from ground zero): pg 1 -The short blurbs after the first paragraph are more of a hook than the first paragraph itself to me -I hate being the "don't swear" person but the f bomb isn't doing much as an adjective for me. Feels like the story is trying to force the point to be important before we really know a lot about N pg 3 -much better swear imo. Sweet, sweet verbs. pg 4 -By this point I like N, but don't care much about Y or K. Hoping to see N be more of the sole focus from here on out pg 5 -How does N feel about this deal? Seems momentous if it goes through. Is she just totally convinced that K won't make it happen? -All right, this is the first time I get a feeling for N's motivation and I'd like to see this earlier. Her finding it hard to be in exile in the first scene doesn't convey the weight of what we're getting here. As an offshoot of this, how does she see the trees? Are they memories of home or just ways to make a quick buck? pg 6 -Is N annoyed by Y's comments? It seems like no, but I can't quite tell. I'd be kinda irked in her situation pg 8 -Idk how much this has actually changed but A's chatting is more interesting to me this time. I feel like I get a better view of the larger universe. pg 9-10 -okay I understand this gadget thing much better than before too -Really really like how this is looped back into her desire to return home. I want to see everything in this chapter revolve around that. What needs it right now is the first few pages I think. Maybe the trees could be tied to home? Or they remind her of memories from home each time she looks at them? Plenty of options here. pg 13 -wow I hate Y. How does N feel about him in general? -This whole scene was good for showing the dark side of home for her pg 14-15 -Solid. Not much else to say pg 16 -I think we have the opportunity to get into N's head a bit more here. Her exclamations are telling us that she's frustrated and anxious, but not much more. What does stalling out so close to home mean for her? Whenever I see lots of exclamation marks, I prefer to see more specific language that carries the same emotion instead. pg 19 -This is the first description we get of what home really means to her. It hits hard and I want more of this, and earlier. pg 22 -I think we need a bit more background here. A few concrete actions that G4 took to interfere with N in the past, maybe? Something that we'll be able to picture rather than vague interference. And her mentioning A has no significance to me. What's the significance to N? pg 23 -Great ending. Wraps up the main compelling idea this chapter runs with. Overall: Agreed with everyone else that this is really good (as much as I liked the last one too). Only larger comment here is that the main dynamics of the chapter (mostly N's motivation to return home) could be clearer earlier on, since something like wanting to return home is pretty universally understood. More details about the stuff that matters to her about home could be good too, and is an opportunity to slip in worldbuilding info if the planet's going to continue to be relevant. Oh, I commented last time that I didn't really like the subplot about the seeds, and I think the better description of the doohickey she gets makes it hold my interest more. Would still like to see how the trees connect to her ideas of home though to bring everything together.

Ah that's a great description! I'll keep that in mind for when I work up the courage to start submitting stuff. And glad I could help!

Wow it's really the end. It's been great to read this story from beg-okay, not from the beginning, but from near the end to the end. As I go: pg 1 -The struggle of long work hours is real. I'm super lazy at work and it even gets to me lol -it feels like the story's trying to take Ir through a whole new arc in these last couple of chapters here. It comes across as rushed to me but I'm also not sure it should be expanded pg 2 -I like J's "bet" here. Really shows how confident he is pg 3 -obligatory comment about how I don't actually think it's a great offer -yeah the story's still trying to milk how Ir is caught between home/family and friends/duty. This general conflict should have already been resolved by now imo pg 4 -Expanding on what I mentioned earlier, I think the order here is a bit off. I think it's more powerful if her resolving her personal conflict leads to her ending the larger conflict rather than the resolution of the larger conflict leading into her personal conflict. Right now I just want stuff to unwind. -It's realistic for S and T's fate to spark something in Ir, but that something can't be resolved in 2 chapters in a satisfying way. If you want her to be uncertain because of what happened, I think the story has to open up and end on that uncertain note pg 5 -Does she care about the glamor of the big city much? This page is making me think sorta, but my read of Ir in general says no. -is there supposed to be a scene change at the bottom of the page here? Or is her family just suddenly here? pg 6 -What's the reason for her assertion here? If her choices aren't backed up by narrative cause and effect she'll come across as wishy-washy, even if it's normal for regular people to change their minds on a whim. Plus I get the feeling this isn't going to be her final decision. pg 8 -yeah she definitely comes across as indecisive to me because of how quickly she changes her mind. I do think the plot here should be restructured so I'm guessing the scene won't stay like this anyway but it's something to look out for. Big decision changes should result from big plot points (with a few exceptions, of course). pg 9 -how old is L again? This comes across as like 8yo max to me. -I like N's reaction. Honestly he's the most interesting character in this entire chapter so far because his change in view is clearly signaled by a major plot event (S's fate), unlike Ir herself. pg 10 -This chapter ends without a real bang, imo. The important part is Ir deciding to take the job, but it feels a little too easy for her family to tell her to do so and for her to just do it pg 11 -Didn't she just decide to leave? To be blunt I really want her to just make up her mind at this point pg 12-13 -So C is basically forcing Ir to take the offer (or at least putting up a front of doing so). This deflates the tension of the choice, though I'm still not sure why that tension was so focal anyway. pg 13-14 -okay sooooo the monarchy was going to pull evil shenanigans. Idk if that's even the smart play since I'm certain Ir would know what's up and would not want to work with BK again. Plus the fact that there was only one "right" choice for Ir to take sorta cheapens the decision for me. Starting to agree with the revolutionaries more and more... pg 15-16 -This last little scene doesn't do a ton for me, unfortunately. I think you've said that there are going to be sequels so if there's nothing left to resolve you could maybe set something up here? Overall: Yep yep this is what I got as well. The reason for this imo is what I said in the line edits: that this personal conflict of hers should have been resolved before the conclusion of the climax. The story is trying to do an entire character arc in two chapters here and it feels rushed, with Ir changing her mind 3 or 4 times across less than 5k words. There's no plot motion left to justify character development here so it ends up feeling like she's deciding on whims. Or that the decision is out of her control. Agreed agreed. 1 especially hit me like a slap to the face. I know it's B and not the BK handling this, but it still feels inconsistent to me. For 2 I'd argue that there's really no main plot left, which means that she has to be pushed around since the stuff she can do is basically exhausted at this point. This is solved by wrapping up her personal conflict earlier and not trying to speedrun this arc when the story's already out of plot steam. I said this before but a standard way this is handled is if her solving the family/home vs friends/duty conflict informs her actions in the main plot. If you want to keep these scenes in they'd be better before the revolution honestly, though that's also risky because the conflict being decided by S locking Ir in the house could come across as cheap if we think it's supposed to be about accepting a job offer or not. Bottom line is that the ideas in these chapters should have been wrapped up before when it could 1. be influenced by a plot with steam left in it and 2. go on to influence the larger plot and make it even more powerful. What a momentous day though, finishing submitting an entire novel! How does it feel?

Oh hey, I'm ace too (in case it wasn't obvious by my name on this site lol). Tbh the more I read stuff with romance and attraction the more I'm convinced that even a lot of allos don't really understand it. I think you did a good job with it here, for whatever my opinion is worth.

As I go: pg 1 -The comparison with J is good -Right now I need the story to give us some sort of direction. I keep hammering this in and I don't want to be needlessly harsh but it really seems like Ir has no plan for anything she does pg 2 -The rapid-fire comments from the family are good. Really shows us how overwhelmed and tired Ir must feel -Ir's explanation is mostly stuff we know. If the way Ir's saying it doesn't matter a ton, the story can just say Ir tells them what happened pg 3 -why are you making me cry (like no lie I'm literally crying right now and that's a great sign for the story. Doesn't even feel too sentimental which is good) pg 4 -This is good, but I'm reminded of how passive Ir has been and I think this would hit a lot harder if she had tried to enact a plan to save them and failed pg 5 -Normally I'd say that these sorts of religious rites don't move the story forward, but here I think it's really important in showing the culture pg 6 -S's decision mostly caught me off guard here. I'm sure there's a reason but it seems so out of line with what she said last chapter. I think we could use a bit more context right away -Again, my personal view is that the Pe people here need to have some sort of power to not get run over by the ruling conquerers long-term. I want to see people concerned about B push for this integration giving power back in the hands of the people. Ir's plan across several chapters to basically just submit to whatever BK wants and hope for the best does not seem like a good strategy to me. The caveat to all of this is that this perspective of mine is very much shaped by my own personal politics, so make of that what you will. pg 8 -I'm confused. Does Ir hate S because she chose the mines? I thought that was what Ir wanted. -I don't really like J flat-out rejecting how Ir says she feels, unless we're supposed to see him as problematic. I feel like there are more considerate ways to word what he's going for. pg 9 -J's dialogue at the top is pretty expository. I'm assuming Ir knows most of this anyway, which makes it not come off well for the story even if it makes sense for J to be emphasizing these facts. -Idk Ir I feel like your guy could be a lot more supportive than he is right now -repeat at the end doesn't work for me unless the tone shifts in between (which would have to be shown to us through physical descriptors rather than told, most likely) -good opening for the next chapter pg 11 -Now that we have some downtime I'm reminded that we still don't know what's up with that crystal BK stole -I think the rebuilding scene works but I'm also missing context so I have to infer what the opening was probably like pg 12 -great you're making me hungry now pg 13 -I like the ending paragraph for the scene. Knowing she can't really go back makes me excited to see which direction she'll go next pg 14 -Is that actually a joke about BK not letting her go so easily? I thought Ir's name powers were highly sought after pg 15 -only 20% more money when working for the royal kitchens instead of some restaurant? And considering that she has super important name skills that make her important enough to potentially put her in danger? You're being robbed Ir -No not tempting! You should demand to be rolling in cash for this I'm sure BK has the money pg 16 -2 months is a long time to respond, right? I've never worked a real job (don't ask me why I chose to peel apples at a school instead) but that seems long to me -haggle for more money Ir do it Overall: This seems like a really solid beginning to a resolution for the story. I'm saying seems because it really relies on what was set up, which I haven't read. But based on what I can infer was set up, the mellow scenes and the back-to-normal-but-not-quite life for Ir is really effective. My main comment here is that S choosing the mines is both very important and seemingly very arbitrary. This might be harsh, but I'd put it on the level of a deus ex machina type thing because family is so key to Ir and this family conflict sort of resolves itself because S decides to make the choice to survive. The fact that there's lingering hostility is good but S's choice here is one of the most pivotal events in the story (the parts that I've read, anyway). From a narrative perspective, I think S's decision acts as the climax to the family plot. It's the moment where everything is at stake, fate can swing to either direction based on what happens, and after it ends we begin the resolution. Which is why I think it should be treated as such, not given a little blurb with no explanation. I'm excited to see the last two chapters!