Appol PhD

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Phew commenting on this two weeks after submitting it. Anyways I'm going to play around with the chapters a bit more, but my current idea is to take the first part of the first draft and the second part of the second draft, since it seems like people like the detailed discussion with N and the flowers more in this version but liked the conflict between W and A more in the previous version. Thanks again!

Hi all! Thanks for your patience as I slowly plod along with a chapter every other week (grad school life). I think there's more motion here than in previous chapters, which hopefully makes it more engaging but also means there's potential for key parts to need some refining. Still working on the previous chapters, and I don't think the specific edits will affect this submission too much. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of engagement? 2. Feelings about characters? 3. How do you feel about the way W gets the information from N to figure out what's going on near the end of the chapter? Does it seem contrived? If so, do you have any suggestions for how she and N can figure it out?

Not going to lie the feedback was a lot to take in at first but I'm glad I did it. The first step is always the hardest one. I can't speak for others but what's been most helpful for me is to be confident (but not overconfident, of course). When I have no confidence at all it's easy to feel overwhelmed and give up, but when I think "okay there's a lot of stuff here that needs improvement based on comments but there's also a lot of cool stuff that can shine when I get those fixed up," it's a bit easier for me to edit. Still working on my mentality, though. Never-ending cycle.

As I go: pg 1. Honestly I've been kinda skimming/ignoring most of the epigraphs but this grabbed my attention. Really strong motivation here right off the bat pg 3. I don't trust this... why does O? pg 5-6. I think this can be cut down a bit, especially if the location doesn't come up again. Really I'm waiting for them to talk about personal stuff -the map gets a big ol detailed paragraph and I'm not quite sure why pg 8. I think B's spiel is broader than we need right now. I don't really care about all the different factions at play; it seems like the most important part is that Y is doing something shady that could get O dragged into it long-term and I want that to be the focus pg 9. So O is disappointed in herself that A did so much better than her? Bitter? This is what I wanted more of earlier. -B's response here does a better job of hanging a lantern on the fact that O really doesn't know what she wants from Ard. Any chance we could get this conversation earlier? pg 11. Hmm B seems to cut things off rather abruptly Overall: My personal thoughts are that the conversation with B here and the epigraph should be the first thing we get from O after the call to Ard. I don't think it would be hard to fit in, since O is probably overwhelmed and B can very easily be like "okay let's get you outside for a bit. I know a place" or something like that. The reasons I'm saying this are that 1. this information and the dynamic is important and I want it to be firmly established as soon as possible and 2. there's not a lot of plot motion in the conversation itself so it doesn't feel like the ideal end to a chapter. It's more... picking up the pieces of what happened earlier, which I think is better at the start of a chapter so it can lead us into a new dynamic later on in the chapter. The earlier stuff in this chapter is fine, but it raises questions that get put on pause halfway through. I think having it lead directly into the second part of the job will make it stronger, which is another reason why I want the conversation earlier. So my ideal course of events for the two chapters is (and I know this is prescriptive but I'm assuming you asking for thoughts gives me the go-ahead to do this): O is overwhelmed after finding out all the info about Ard and At -> B notices this and takes her out -> they chat at the restaurant about what O wants -> B offers to take her to Ard -> Y contacts them as O is thinking B's offer over and wants O to report back -> Y offers the job and O accepts -> part 1 of the mission with gathering materials -> part 2 of the mission (partially or fully)

I don't know if this actually helps or not, but you're definitely not alone in feeling intimidated at the start. After sending in my first submission I was so nervous I had trouble sleeping. Writing and editing are difficult and personal processes, and it's normal to feel nervous about various aspects of it, especially getting feedback.

As I go: pg 2. Don't strain a muscle patting yourself on the back, C -omg I love how C doesn't understand the implications of what she's asking E to do. I am now headcanoning her as as aro until disproven pg 4. I love G-M's paranoid, scheming mind. Imo this makes a lot more sense than her thoughts about distracting C with homework pg 5. It's worth noting that I'm really engaged by the social dynamics of the kids and less engaged with the airplane rn pg 6. Hmm this is all surprising but like I said my real engagement is coming from the kids and their interactions. Maybe it's just the time in between weekly subs but I can't quite remember why the plane matters so much pg 8. I can tell that C being vague here about her fear of G-M is intentional, but it doesn't give me much to work with. If she can't work through her feelings then she could think about other examples pg 10. G-M seems... really pathetic here. I definitely liked her (as a character, not as a person) more when she felt on top of her game Overall: 1. Nothing's really boring, but like I said the friend group politics are more interesting to me than the plane and wood stove, so the part where C is investigating the plane on her own is a lull for me. Up to you to decide how much of that is the story and how much of that is me. 2. G-M being so honest with C is a bit of a head scratcher to me. She's constantly scheming and thinking so surely she can see that acting like a total a-hole to C isn't going to work, right? I think there are ways she can frame the same thing but be much better at manipulation (such as tear-jerking C, like "All I wanted was to be accepted by everyone and they all like you so much," ect.). As for C, I'm glad that she's standing up to G-M but I need a bit more about where that comes from. Yeah, she realized that G-M manipulated her, but I don't really get a good sense for how that makes her feel. Overall, though, most things do make sense. I really like E after this chapter. He's just a dorky guy who has some tender feelings and I want to protect him.

I'll also have a spot for the 31st please, pending space.

As I go: pg 1. Is this a real book? It sounds like the most boring thing imaginable pg 2. Shouldn't C be interested to talk to E about this stuff? I mean, her whole plot revolves around uncovering what's going on in the town, right? E might be able to help her. pg 3. We know the effort is all futile anyway so I'm not sure how much time we need to spend on this pg 5. This is where the action of the chapter really starts. Honestly I think we could cut the first three pages and start with her getting full marks pg 6. I think this can be cut down to a paragraph or two. I do like the reveal that E's being told about the wood stove though pg 7-8. While I'm glad we're getting information, I think this scene is a large liability for the story right now. The fact that all C needed to do to get information about the wood stove was to ask makes all of the previous chapters feel irrelevant. pg 9. Hmm I really don't understand C's distrust in S specifically. He's been more helpful than anyone else so far, and what he says seems to (at least sort of) track. pg 10. As with C's action here, seems like V could have done this at any time 1. Nope! All good here 2. Hmm I like C realizing that G-M was bullying her but like I said above I'm not sure why she distrusts S so much. I didn't get a ton from V personality-wise I didn't already know, honestly. 3. Honestly this is my biggest comment on the chapter. I think the timing here is good, and I think the information itself is about what we need to know and makes sense. The problem is the way C and V find out what happens. Stories need to have a strong sense of cause and effect (much more so than real life) to be compelling, and that's what's breaking down here. C asking for help and V flying around doesn't have a strong cause. Like I said, it feels like they could have gotten this information at any time and the fact that they spent 7 chapters wandering around accomplishing nothing when the answers were so easy is the biggest thing I want to see addressed in the story as a whole. I can see where the story is trying to establish cause and effect by having C realize that G-M got the information from adults which prompts C to ask, but that's also something she could have figured out before. Though this isn't a comment on your writing skill at all. This kind of stuff happens. The easiest solution is to come up with some reason why C couldn't have successfully asked S before, and explain why the situation changes so that S responds. Right now the story is relying on "she doesn't think to ask S before" as the reason, which is not nearly as satisfying as her overcoming an actual barrier to ask S and get the information. I think this is similar to what everyone else is talking about with not moving the story forward. Even though we get enough plot-relevant information, it doesn't feel like C moves her own story forward because all of the information is handed to her rather easily. That being said, I can see the potential for this chapter to be really awesome. The reason I'm going so in depth is that I really want to see the chapter succeed.

I'm first? I'm first! ...Wait I'm like a few seconds too late. Sigh. As I go: pg 2: I like how O's explanation conveys her confusion pg 3: "jerky people" sounds a bit juvenile to me -if the medical bills are so easily wrapped up, I'm not sure if them constantly being pointed out in earlier chapters is necessary. It could even be something O doesn't really think about until they send it in. -Ard consumed her friend? Is this talking about At? What makes O think that? This is what I wanted a bit more of in O's last chapter. -not negotiable why? Because she needs At for a specific reason? Because she has nowhere else to go? The actions here are good but I need a bit more from O's character here pg 4: thank goodness the sexual tension is finally out in the air that's been killing me -Also B's explanation makes sense and all but I'm still wanting something more. Something really special to tie these characters together. pg 7: So is her goal to see if At is happy? To make sure At is happy? And what does that mean for her larger worldview, the idea of an N living with and ruling over gods? This is what I want a bit more of earlier on, though of course the answers don't need to be neat and tidy pg 8: hmm I'm curious why O is especially equipped for this job, since it seems like something with large ramifications based on how it's being talked about pg 9: Wait so what Ard people do borders on sexual assault/rape, which is separate from the same metaphors used for what the planet itself does? As a new reader at least it feels like 1. I should have known about this before and 2. people should be making a bigger deal out of this pg 10: I get that the job is being obscured so it's a surprise to us, but I don't understand from O's perspective why she isn't at least asking about it. -Hmm I assumed she was going to want to take the job out of pride. Instead it seems like she feels like she needs the money to have some connection to reality, which is surprising to me given the rest of her character Overall: I think the events presented here make sense, and it reads well overall. So no large structural changes needed overall imo. I ended up covering most of my big points in the line edits. I think I need a bit more from the character motivation here. What we have isn't bad, but I don't feel in tune with O and B as much as some of the other characters. Why exactly does O want to go to Ard, and how does that interact with At (imo this should be clear even in O's last chapter)? What makes O special to B? Why does O feel like she needs to take this job without asking what it is? And if you don't want to play all your cards right now, I think it's fine to hang a lamppost on stuff that O doesn't know or refuses to think about.

Hi everyone! The stuff below is actually important this time so please read I know I didn't respond last thread, but I did take everyone's feedback into account. Multiple people thought that that my last sub made more sense as two chapters with separate arcs, so I decided to give that a shot and that's what I have here. The content in this sub would be replacing the stuff from last sub, not adding onto it. That is, if I decide to keep this new format. Since it's basically rewritten from scratch and could change the ways I edit the next chapters, I decided to resub. Plus, I don't know if it's actually an improvement, so I wanted to check in. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of engagement? 2. Which general structure do you like better between this sub and my previous one (or do neither work)? 3. For whichever one you liked better, is there anything important it's missing that the other one has (no worries if you can't remember)? 4. How do you feel about the characters here? Any differences from how they came off in the last sub?

As I go: pg 1-2. The knight is very cool. I'm curious about the general assessment of power level, which C should know. Again, if the guards don't feel like they have the overwhelming advantage it doesn't make sense for them to risk a fight pg 3. V has to be stalling for... something, right? There's no way the assassin listens to him pg 4. I think the assassin's motivation makes a lot more sense than the guards'. I imagine you don't last long picking even fights, so him being basically a big bully makes sense. Why this is surprising at all to C is another question. pg 5. Given the above point, though, the assassin kinda talks like an edgy twelve year old. He's all anger and no substance, and even though I know he's dangerous I'm having a hard time taking him seriously. -I thought C said the guy couldn't be negotiated with? pg 6. I don't know G so while this discussion is believable it doesn't really mean a ton to me. Also A continues to talk like an anime villain. I want to roll my eyes at him every time he talks. I'm guessing part of that is intentional and it's fine to have him be kinda full of himself and unable to see out of his own head but I think it can be scaled back. pg 7. Was the giant light lance and extra knight thing set up at all? If we don't know what it can do beforehand it feels kinda cheap when it's used to solve problems. pg 8-9. I do like the communing that he's doing. It feels very... personal and intimate, which is good for moments like these pg 11-12. Now that A's gone, the dialogue feels a lot smoother. -hmm maybe I'm not supposed to have the same cultural values as these people but I feel like I need more info before I can pass judgment on the queen. She killed her dad yeah but he could have been awful for all we know at this point. pg 13-14. Why does the queen think her father betrayed her? Also while I get that this is filtered through C it seems a bit oversimplified. What is she trying to get out of being a tyrant? What's making the wheels turn here? pg 15. Okay now things are starting to get real. This is where my engagement is highest so far in the chapter Plot, yes. We had the inciting incident here with C being revealed, and I'm interested to see how it goes. Honestly, it made a lot of the previous scenes feel unnecessary since this is really when things take off (especially the fight with the guards. I feel like they don't really add anything and we could have them flee and run into A without all the extra hubbub). World... I'm a bit mixed. The queen doesn't really seem to have any interesting qualities to me, which spills out into the world. Pure evil can be fun, but we still need a bit more about her and the kingdom for me to be invested because it's all nonspecific right now. The mechs are super cool, though. As for C's knight title... no idea and I don't feel the need to know, really. It comes up when it comes up and if he has special skills related to that I'll be excited to see what he can do.

I'll also take a spot for Monday if there's space, please

As I go: pg 1. I like the content a lot better here, though it feels a little to stiff and formal to me, even for someone like C who seems naturally pretty formal pg 2. This is making me feel glad that I don't live in a small town... I mean, I guess I do now, but idk if I count collegetowns since I'm gonna be out of here in another 4-5 years -My read on V here is he's like "GM is obviously deceiving you but if you really want to do this I can't stop you," and if that's what's going on I'd like to see that be a bit more explicit pg 3. Wow you really made me fall in love with this good doggo in a paragraph pg 5. While I feel for the good doggo, it feels like we're drifting away from the main plot to me pg 8. Is the time C was absent when she was dealing with the chickens/dog? When she was working on homework to get full marks? I'm trying to remember the timeframe here pg 9. Is C surprised by the implication that she made the doggo or that T knows she made the doggo? Overall: 1. I do like it better! Especially from a content perspective. I did have some comments in the LBLs to help clean it up even more, though. 2. I felt my attention drifting during pages 5-6. Does J matter at all? If not I think we could just be told that none of the closest neighbors want the doggo and then we run into T. 3. I could go either way on the POV, since it was engaging but ultimately not that important for me. The voice is great! 4. I think it works overall, though I was struggling to remember the timeframe and why C was so busy that she forgot about her obligation. Also I want a bit more from T here. Stuff like "I waited on the porch for hours and you didn't show up..." ect. Right now it's all a bit abstract and about stuff that didn't happen, when it will be easier for us to picture when she talks about what she did do (investigate on her own and feel lonely or just wait around).

As I go: pg 1. I think the internality is too unclear/complex here, especially as a new reader. Much more straightforward to just let us know what At is doing and why she can't be interrupted right now pg 2. I don't think we need quite as many interruptions from E. As is it makes her seem like she can't give At any space at all in an unhealthy way, especially since as a new reader this is my first time seeing her. pg 5. Maybe it's because I'm still in lab at 9pm but my attention drifts halfway through the big paragraph in the middle. I'd say try to fit everything we immediately need to know in half the space and hold off on the rest -Oh so is it more than just the one message from S she's ignoring? I'm a bit confused here pg 6. How routine is it for planets to explode like this? And the fact that At's reaction is basically "sucks that it creates more work for me" makes me not like her here pg 7. If this is really as serious and time-sensitive as E thinks it is, I'm not sure why she's so calm. And if it's not worth a panic like her tone is implying I'm not sure why she can't just let At eat (maybe me being hungry and stuck at work makes me agree with At here lol) pg 9. Okay if telepathy is on the table then why isn't that the first resort rather than the last? I believe there's a reason but I need to see at least a hint of it here pg 10. After "At smirked," is it E talking? I'm not sure pg 12. Okay so O is calling. My engagement spiked here, which also made me realize I was kinda coasting before and wasn't the most engaged pg 13. Pretty clear to me that At's extended wondering here is getting her nowhere. She should just contact O if possible pg 15. Again a lot of speculating that isn't going to go anywhere. I want At to do something. She's a powerful person; she can get stuff done right? Overall: If I'm being perfectly blunt here, while the writing here is good as always I didn't get a great feeling for the emotion. The good news is I don't think it's a lost cause even for a new reader like me. I felt like I really understood the connection between O and At in the one flashback, but here I'm just... not quite feeling it. I think for me the lack of emotion coming across isn't a problem with the characters or the feelings themselves, but just that those feelings aren't really translated into action. If At really has strong emotions for O in any sense and she's a ruler of this plant, she should do something without needing prodding from E. And while I did believe that there wasn't really anything she could do for S at the moment, it makes the whole scene less engaging to me because it feels like nothing was accomplished or changed. Basically, I think my lack of emotion here stems not (entirely) from being a new reader, but from the fact that At is acting passive here even when she's in a position of power. Also, while I'm sure you've found your niche with this and I am in no way the target audience, I felt like the flirting/sex talk was more of a distraction than anything else. I think I'd have liked it better if the chapter either pulled back on it so it didn't get in the way or honed in on it a bit more so it becomes a clearer centerpiece. Like one thing I felt like I was missing was the physicality of the attraction (both ways). The dialogue was telling me it should be there but I didn't really feel it (which is something that I have picked up on in stories before despite being ace).

I don't actually think it's about coming in cold. I just need a little bit more from O right here (and I think it doesn't have to be much). "I need to reconnect with At to figure out what's going on and how to move forward together" reads different from "I will find At and she will answer to me about what she's done" and I don't know which one we're dealing with (or maybe neither!)

Glad you're feeling well enough to work on writing/editing As I go: pg 3. I felt my attention waning when the doctor introduces themselves. Any way to cut it down? pg 4. I feel like with all the attention on the fees it's going to bite O in the butt. She's already in medical debt right? pg 5. I think the internality here can be cut down to a paragraph. What's the most important thing we should know about how O is feeling right now? pg 7. Man that's an oof right there (sorry my gen Z is showing) pg 8. This is the internality I like the most in the chapter. Hero on a mission who realizes their mission is useless is a good dynamic pg 11. Seems odd to me that the operator wouldn't have access to the location of a planet. Why does that normally happen? -Good ending! Overall: Emotional impact is good overall. I really liked the part about O realizing that her mission was in vain. The stuff with A didn't really hit me as hard because I don't know why O wants to see her so badly. Yeah they're old... friends? Acquaintances? They know each other but idk what O is looking for from A now. Answers? Closure? A way forward? Practical help? Also, I like the focus on A wanting to live free of Ard and want to see a bit more of how O feels about that. Right now she seems to startled to work through it which isn't the most narratively interesting to me. Is she curious to learn more about what changed for A? Does she feel betrayed? I think there's work to be done to clarify her current relationship with A to us, even if it's not entirely clear to her (always tricky!). I think room could be made for this by cutting some of the internality in the first half of the chapter. I know a lot of authors say that they cut a lot of their internality to better hone their writing's focus and I think that could work here. I care about O's hero mission crashing and burning and her relationship to A. All else is secondary. Overall, though, great chapter!

Oh and I hope my comments about being aro didn't come off as trying to negate your experiences. For my first comments I wasn't sure if you were aro or not and a lot of readers might be in that position too so I wanted to give my blunt thoughts about it. And me offering to chat is offering to compare experiences and find stuff that makes sense to both of us, not me saying my experiences are more legit than yours.

Her going "what's wrong with me?" is an easy way to build good conflict, but it's not the only one. I think in a society that sees romance as normal the anger towards the normal people doesn't make sense to me without additional context since you don't really get mad at people for being normal for the most part unless it fits into the "what's wrong with me? Why can they do X but I can't?" type of thing. If you want to keep the anger I think anger at the world makes more sense, personally. Or, again, adding more context as to why she's annoyed at alloromantic people in general. I think I need to know what she actually wants her life to look like, which is what I was trying to get at when I said her being aro is not compelling on its own. Imo the interesting part of aro characters (and for me, the aro experience) is not that they don't feel romance, but what they replace that with. Does she want to be with B, just not in a romantic way? Does she want to live with a group of friends? Does she want to a hermit in the woods? Establishing this makes the compromise you're going for clearer. And if she doesn't know what she wants... well, that's a whole separate conflict/arc in itself that could use some more exploration. Also, for this to be a healthy relationship she should really tell B about her (lack of romantic) feelings. And if it's not supposed to be healthy, I think I need to see more of the pressure on her to not bring it up. Right now the pressure is on her to bring B into the family, which is not the same as pressure to be in a romantic relationship with him. I could see a perfectly happy ending where D stays with B in a non-romantic way and they raise a family together, but it feels like D isn't even considering that as an option. Again, this ties into the point above. If that's not the life D wants, we need to know that. As I'm guessing you know from your experience, being aromantic doesn't mean not wanting to be close to people. Another thing that might help to establish is D's sexuality, which I couldn't get a good read on. I couldn't tell if she was attracted to him or if the pull of the heart was something else entirely. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I was curious. This kind of stuff is tricky to write out because there's not a lot of good reference material, and I'm happy to chat about any of the romantic orientation/attraction stuff. Though there not being a good list of established aro work (to my knowledge at least) means I'm also not sure how widespread my opinions about it are.

As I go: pg 1. Is the room disorganized? Not sure how to see C's and V's different perspective on this pg 2. "Where do you get your food from?" So does C, like, not know what farms are? I feel like V should dig a little deeper here. pg 5. So... is G-M thinking about human sacrifices? Things are starting to get creepy and I'm here for it. pg 6-7. Really like G-M's voice here pg 8-9. Does G-M think that's going to throw C off of investigating on her own for long? Because I don't. Though C does seem more by the books than I'd expect most kids to be, so maybe? -Oh okay and C doesn't even fall for it wow get rekt G-M -Or... she does fall for it. Whoops. Overall: 1. The most engaging thing to me is G-M's implication that everything C has done so far is nothing in comparison of its potential, that the wood stove has powers and costs far greater than we're imagining at this point. Nothing was really boring. 2. I wasn't sure why G-M went down the route she did. Either C gets full marks and finds out G-M was lying to her, or she gives up trying and goes back to investigating on her own, which puts G-M back to square one. Maybe if it was presented as a way to buy time to make a better plan to throw C off I could see it, but I don't really understand what G-M is thinking here. I'll also say that while I believe that C falls for the bait, I'm surprised V doesn't catch onto the fact that the whole thing is a lie if he's listening in. 3. Good overall! The parts I feel like I need to know more about are: 1. What's up with her relationship with her mom? Why does she feel the way she does about her mom, and why does her mom put up with her bs? 2. A bit more on why she hates C. The stuff we get is good, and I think we need that extra push. Maybe if we get more on why she cares so much that the other kids like C more than her it will make more sense to me. Good luck editing!

Wow I'm already late to the party and this is the first one I'm looking at. As I go: pg 1. The idea of vampires giving their hearts away to people who need them is really cool. The fact that the story leads off with this is a really good move as well, since I'm immediately invested. My main question here is why are the vampires doing it? Why not just lock the heart away in a vault where it can never be staked? Is it out of the goodness of their hearts or is something else going on? pg 2. I'd like to get an idea of the soulmate thing even sooner. I assumed the story was going to be about what happens to the heart itself from the first page, and it doesn't look that way not. -Doesn't turning someone give a vampire control over them (granted, all of my urban fantasy knowledge is from a ttrpg so my GM could have been making that up)? Seems really icky for a love thing. pg 3. Don't think we need as much explanation in the middle. I just want to get back to the scene pg 5. I think it's supposed to be but turning someone without consent for the purpose of starting a family seems... really bad. Is D aware of this? pg 6. The fact that he's a grad student and isn't so much of a mess that he can present himself reasonably on a date is a good sign. Btw I'm doing this critique in lab right now after 6 while my PCR is running. pg 7. Can I say that not relating to people talking about romance is a whole mood and a half? Speaking of which is she into B at all? Right now being with him feels more like a physical obligation to her than her being interested in him, if that makes sense. pg 8. So she tells him about being a vampire? About him being her heart? I'm not sure and his reaction is a little odd if it is something like that. I think it's supposed to be but yeah I need a bit more to understand what's going on here. -yeah I thought it seems like she wasn't really drawn to him. But wasn't she the first time she met him, or was it a different sort of feeling? pg 9. What is the way of life that eludes her? Romance? As someone who's aro I can say I've never felt resentment towards alloromantic people and the reaction feels a bit odd to me, but it's not like my experiences are universal so maybe it's fine. For me it was more "what's wrong with me? Why can't I fit in?" and "Why did we build the world this way so that people who don't fall in love end up lonely?" pg 10. The dad is giving off major creeper vibes to me. Is he supposed to? If he's saying to turn B without consent that's really bad, and if he's saying to do it with consent that needs to be part of the talk. pg 12. Okay very glad that D is getting consent. The fact that B seems totally chill with it is odd to me. Should it be? Is D picking up anything weird about him? pg 13. Boy this leaves me with a really bad feeling. D seems like she's going to be miserable going forward (though Idk if I'm projecting my own experiences onto this). Flow is good, though the time does jump rather quickly at the start. Still, I don't want to linger before the meat of the story for too long so maybe it's for the best. Maybe we could use a little blurb about what she's been up to for the tenish years in between childhood and work? Ending is... it just makes me feel down, honestly. And not in a satisfying way. It doesn't seem happy for anyone involved. I also didn't think it resolved much. B is static throughout the story which I think is fine but the fact that D never really challenges this thing that's tearing her apart makes it feel like it stalls for me. There's not really any motion in her story when I think there needs to be. Also, while I don't subscribe by the "it's always bad when queers have sad endings" that some people do (yes I spend too much time on tumblr), I feel like there needs to be some glimmer of hope. Characters: dad gives me total creeper vibes. The fact that he's so insistent that D bring B into the family is bad, and the fact that he's not clear about making it consensual for the first 12 pages is worse. D herself is good with a few things I found odd that I noted in the LBLs. Also I think we might get a clearer idea of what D does want in addition to what she doesn't. Aro people can still have partners and form relationships, it just comes from a different emotional place (sorry if you already know this but a lot of this stuff was a surprise to me so I want to make sure we're on the same page). And yeah, some of us don't do that, but some alloromantic people don't want to be bound by a single partner or partners at all either. Point being that D being aro is in itself not compelling; we need to know what replaces those romantic feelings for her. B is... he really strikes me as odd, and it made me wonder if he was in control at all of what he was doing. The fact that he was so eager about things he should at least take a minute to process makes me agree with some others in saying that it felt like he was brainwashed.

L for mild swearing. I've been spending the last couple of weeks juggling different projects so I still need to finish tweaking Ch. 4, but this chapter has a bit of a different focus so I don't think it matters all too much. For this one, I'm just curious about the usual questions plus one more: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement? 2. How do you feel about the characters and their actions? 3. Do the exchanges between N and W read as genuine romantic interest? I am aromantic so I wanted to check in about that. Thanks for the time and effort you put into making this story stronger!

Wow this is a ton of helpful info! Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time and effort that goes into educating me about this, and I don't want take it for granted. Yeah I did see that Klinefelter is rare. The reason I chose that one in particular is because in this world a lot of the variation in skin color is linked to the X chromosome so the combination of S having Klinefelter and being mixed race is reflected in his visual appearance. Do you think this would feel like focusing too much on the 'cool' parts? I also read that people with Klinefelter have a nearly identical life expectancy to people without and symptoms can be subtle for many people, so I didn't put a ton of thought into the medical side, but I can definitely do some digging into the medical issues that can come along with it. Though one of the tricky parts is that this world doesn't have the ability to call out S' condition as precisely as we're talking about it here. Do you think that will be a problem? I will say that S doesn't have ambiguous genitals and is "cis" (I think your tweet about the gender thing popped up in my feed a while back actually). He talks about it a bit with the nb character who comes up later. And yep S' sex isn't fluid.

Oh whoops I forgot to reply to this lol. For the first draft I didn't use any specific resources, leaning instead on my experiences being mixed-race since he's at the intersection of the two, which as I'm typing it out now I'm realizing may not have been the best way to approach it. The closest thing to a resource was reading the wikipedia article for Klinefelter, which is what he has. Do you recommend any specific sources, or is it better if I start from scratch looking myself?

Yeah I think my problem here is that I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too. I want a fantasy culture that's sorta based off a real life one so I have a foundation that makes sense (I really do feel like many of those "europeans but in a desert" fantasy stories don't make complete sense from a cultural worldbuilding point of view, since physical environment affects culture so strongly), but I also want to do my own thing with it and not be restricted to what that real culture did. I can see why that would cause problems. If I had to pick a real-life civilization that the X empire is based off of, I'd say the Abbasid Caliphate, but there's also a good deal of stuff that's different. From my perspective, I think my two options are either to back off on historical Arabic culture altogether (though again, this is tricky considering many cultural practices are common sense desert precautions) or really hone in on a specific culture. For now I might keep the culture as is and try to get a better idea of what to do with it after more critiques (unless you think it's clear what should be done right now), though it is helpful to know that the headscarf thing could come across as a red flag. No worries! If you're not engaged then you're not engaged. Not your fault. Hmm this is a good thing to bring up. There are characters that walk between both the gender and sex binary set up, but tearing down those ideas isn't a major feature of the story. It's more about how to survive in a world that's hostile to those people but even then it's not a huge focus point for the one intersex and one nonbinary character. They already have so much else on their plate, in addition to other reasons they don't fit in (such as race). Thanks for clarifying! It's interesting to hear about your situations because I really didn't mind those situations as much or suffer from a lot of gender dysphoria, which is part of why it took me 21 years to realize that I'm nonbinary. I wrote this novel back when I was still questioning my gender and I think me being scared of existing outside the gender binary does come off here. Thanks for your thoughts! My edits for the first few chapters are aimed at doling out information more slowly so it's not as overwhelming.

Looks like space is filling up fast. I'll take a slot on Monday as well pending space though I'm happy to step back if someone else wants it because I did sub this week.