Appol PhD

As I understand it lots of DNA is going to be bad for fast growth no matter how you slice it, since the fact that more DNA = more stuff to produce when you grow can't really be avoided. Though that's not to say it's a hard and fast rule. And in this case "slow" growth could mean it just banks a lot of resources and distributes them in a way that allows for lots of cells to be made in short bursts. Like how fruit trees are slow growing but can produce fruit relatively quickly. As for developing complex systems when needed, I'm not totally sure but I'm leaning towards yes that could work with a little bit of fudging that sci-fi allows. My main concern would be does incorporating stray chromosomes from other genomes allow it to actually perform complex functions of that organism given how interconnected genetics is. It's not an easy sell, though I think it's easier with plants than animals, since they're much less likely to just fall apart without all of their DNA, though I'm also not sure the distinction matters for 99% of people. Either way to me it sounds like a tricky thing to navigate, though I'd think it should be possible. Also, if you want the fungi to have more plant/animal DNA packed in without exploding its genome size (to make it more believable that it's capable of performing complex functions from those organisms) you could have it cut out some noncoding regions to fit more actual protein-coding genes in. I'm guessing you've heard that only 1% of the human genome codes for proteins, for example. Of course, you can't cut out all of the other stuff since a lot of it is very important for regulation but it's something to keep in mind (and I'm guessing a decent chunk of the regulation should be happening outside those chromosomes anyways?). Also it's not like organisms on earth can choose to splice out DNA regions they don't like (so far as I know), but some fungi do sometimes directly "intentionally" create lots of mutations in parts of the genome that are likely to be viral so it's not the craziest idea for a creature to have fine control over their genome like that. Though this is all me spitballing. Oh and I'm guessing you know this but just in case I'll say that scientists can disagree about a lot of stuff and just because it meets my approval doesn't mean it will meet others' (or vice versa). And while genetics is related to what I'm studying I'm by no means a geneticist by trade. I think if this is the goal there's room for the characters to be more explicit about this because the way I read the generationals is that they're so trained to accept the power structure (even if they complain about it) that they can't imagine another way of living, not that they are actively choosing to depend on the admins.

as I go: pg 1. I say it's a 50/50 toss up as to whether A has actually thought about a lingering infection from it given his track record. There's a part of me that kinda wants him to turn into a mushroom zombie pg 3. A is making some actually kind of intelligent points, which is a surprise but not an unwelcome one pg 4. There's a lot of commenting about the power structure between generationals and admins. I like that the generationals aren't totally conscious that they could try to revolt but I do think something needs to happen with this soon. A bunch of generationals died from the collapse while all of the admins were safe and there's no way they aren't deeply bitter about that pg 7. I feel like the questions here should have pretty clear answers unless fungi work differently than on Earth. Maybe Al doesn't need to know but surely someone does so I don't think this pondering really adds much pg 8. A few comments from someone who works with a lot of genetic data (apologies if you already know some of this but I want to be thorough): -higher base pair count generally just makes analysis take longer rather than making it messier. Messy results tend to come from sequence data that's low quality, which is quite possible for alien fungi -for genetic data we typically talk about gene combinations rather than protein ones. Doing protein analysis for protein combinations is totally doable though -From genetic (assuming we're just talking about DNA here) analysis alone you can't tell which chromosomes are inactive. For that you either need RNA or chromatin analysis. Chromatin is the best bet since you can physically see chromosomes that are all condensed and inactive (RNA tells you which genes are currently expressed/active). It's worth noting that entire chromosomes can sometimes be inactive in humans too, most commonly in humans with more than 1 X chromosome (okay kinda a lie; some of the X is active after X inactivation but it's mostly inactive). Is this similar to that? -High chromosome count generally discourages fast growth since replicating cells is more costly with more DNA needed (which is why bacteria have small genomes). Since the fungi grow quickly here it might make sense for Al to call it out -Incorporating external genetic material into the genome is something Al would probably know about from earth. As I understand there are two ways this is typically done: horizontal gene transfer in bacteria and viruses inserting DNA into the genome. Viruses carrying entire plant/animal chromosomes with them would be unlikely on earth and probably unlikely on an alien planet unless specifically engineered that way (that is how we do genetic editing here on Earth after all). Horizontal gene transfer does what's being described here but generally on a smaller scale and mostly only for bacteria transferring other bacterial sequences. How similar is this to those? -The idea that there's 100% accuracy implies that differential mutations haven't set in, which implies either: 1. This all happened very quickly and recently 2. cells with any mutations are recognized and killed or 3. Mutation works differently here. All of those seem unlikely so I'm guessing the easiest thing to do is say "basically 100% barring some expected, harmless mutations." -Now that I think about it if the analysis is messy you wouldn't get 100% similarity even if you sequenced the same cell twice because of sequencing errors pg 9. I feel like this is more than "wouldn't be surprised" isn't that the only logical conclusion? ...Though I don't know about fungi so maybe there are other explanations -oh they mean one growth for the whole planet. Yeah that is more of a "can't conclude this yet but wouldn't be surprised" moment pg 10. They should probably do research on fungicides that could work against the thing. If some of the genes are similar to irl fungi then there are probably some essential ones that can be targeted and shut off. Single-site fungicides based on those genes should work even if the entire rest of the organism is different -A really spicy solution would be developing a disease to kill the thing. That's the reason why huge genetically identical growths aren't super common on earth after all (and are even seen as evolutionary dead ends that inevitably lead to extinction by many biologists). Of course since fungi are more similar to animals in this world it risks the disease infecting the people and animals too... -Another point of topic here is how much the fungi can communicate with itself across different areas of the growth. If they try to burn part of the fungus will the other part know? This kind of communication is possible with earth fungi as I understand it (though again my knowledge of fungi is very limited) though I think it's fairly unrefined pg 12. I do like the hope that's here and I feel like it's going to all come crashing down for the generationals. Honestly I'm astonished there hasn't been more tension already pg 13. I'm not sure what this tells us that J's PoV didn't pg 17. Honestly I feel like An is lucky to only lose a hand Overall: There's lots of stuff happening here, and I think the meat of the chapter is where F is talking to J about what the fungi being one entity means for the community. As for A's section, I like his voice but I feel like it's pretty obvious that his hand got infected. It doesn't have to be obvious to him but I'm not sure we need two scenes of him before he goes to the doctor. The signing the brick thing feels disconnected from the rest of the chapter but I don't mind that, so long as it leads up to something like it feels like it is. Overall, I think F talking to J could be potentially expanded and the other parts could be cut down. I'm also still waiting for tensions to flare up and with the collapse of Kh I find it strange that nobody is bitter about how certain classes of people are thrown in danger and others aren't.

As I go: pg 1. No admins dead I notice. I'm sure to some extent they knew the situation was dangerous and were removing themselves. I feel like this tension is getting closer to flaring up now that it's costing lives and I'm here for it. pg 4. I think by this point I need more feeling of motion. Right now the chapter is mostly A summarizing stuff to us pg 6. This feels like the kickoff to some conflict and I'm not sure it needs to take us a full six pages to get here pg 7. I like A's character voice probably because he's so easy to hate (I think this is the same a-hole from last chapter though I did skim that one) pg 9. The V getting antsy without drugs is a fun note. The situation seems more fragile by the moment pg 11. Well that's gnarly. This seems to be where the action really gets going so it could help if the story gets us here sooner My main comment is that as someone who is reading for the social dynamics, this chapter felt a little slow and most of what engaged me and got me thinking were a few offhand comments. Which again, makes me wonder if the story needs more of that or if I'm not engaging with the story in the way that a sci-fi reader would. Thinking about the state of the colony, most of the action happens near the end of each of the two sections so maybe the story can heavily trim before then. Though again it's not like that action is what I personally am reading the story for so maybe I'm missing the work that the earlier parts in each section are doing. I will say that even when I try to think outside my own preferences I do believe that the events here work well as setup but could be explored more as the meat of the chapter. Killer mushrooms are exciting but don't convey an emotional arc on their own. I don't really know what the larger implications are for the colony--and while I can guess I think there's room to be more precise about how this will affect the characters we care about.

Here to drop in a few thoughts after skimming again: -The main things I like are the admins clearly screwing things up (like torching all the fungi) and the military presence (seems clear to me that they're there to suppress any generational insurrection and the fact that they haven't picked up on it adds tension) -Overall with things going bad I do get a feeling that we're creeping closer to major conflict between the generationals and admins which is what I want -A bit confused at the collapse at the end and it also felt like it came a bit out of nowhere though I was skiming

Didn't have time for a full critique but I skimmed through to know what was going on for this week's critique so I might as well leave some quick comments: -I love people sitting around talking about political stuff but the first part of the chapter didn't grip me because I didn't understand the real threat or conflict -F didn't grip me last chapter but he did this time and I felt okay taking a break from the plot to geek out over science stuff. Though while I'm not a fungi expert my impression is that animals and fungi aren't that different even on earth? Maybe that's just a perspective of a plant scientist though, since plants are pretty different from both. Maybe it's worth going into the features that are similar between the two on this planet (do they have hyphae? cell walls?) though I also don't know if non-biologists care -overall the main plot I'm reading for is the conflict between generationals and admins which is discussed but doesn't advance, and I'm not sure whether to stick with that thread or give up and focus on other aspects I wasn't initially as hooked by

As I go: pg 1. I do like the opening though fueling magic with death is a common enough concept that I'm not totally hooked. -So far this reads like middle-grade to me based on the word choice, but F seems to be older than most middle-grade protagonists pg 2. I don't mind the setup here but it seems unlikely that the story at large is going to revolve around the moral dilemmas of killing animals (does it have to be animals, also?) so I'm not sure what to take away from this scene pg 4. I'm not totally sure why F harvesting magic is so reliant on snail girl. If bigger animals yield much more magic couldn't she like hang around a slaughterhouse or something? pg 5. What interests me here is the idea of a second witch lurking around pg 6. Ah so there are a bunch of witches nearby. pg 7-8. I'm interested by the organization (coven?) of witches here but I think I need to see clearer dynamics about how they fit into society and how they interact with non-witches Hmm I like present here because the language is pretty simple and straightforward so it feeling more immediate in present tense is helpful for me The snail girl scene is good but I think the searching for the wedding ring isn't needed. Overall I do think the story benefits from getting to the body being discovered earlier since that's when it really starts. Overall, I'm interested in the concept and most of what I want is for the worldbuilding to focus more on the cultural aspects of witches rather than just the dynamics of how magic works. We get bits and pieces of how they seem like outsiders and exploring that seems necessary for the story given how F is the point of contact between witches and non-witches (a setup which I do like).

Agreed! And yeah you can probably see why I like PoP and was telling you to keep all of the political stuff in. My current plan is to rewrite a good deal of the story oriented around the antagonists doing stuff immediately instead of all of these pieces that feel difficult to put together. Thanks for your thoughts!

One suggestion here is to have country names that are clear references to Earth but are different from what we have. Stuff like "Republic of United American Provinces" (bad example but you get the idea).

Thanks for your thoughts @Silk! I've been mulling around ideas today that I think might help deal with some of the logical issues you're pointing out with what Z is doing. Which is mostly that she's been out of town entirely for the past year, which also gives more weight to her getting involved with this stuff now. This is good to know! And was honestly mostly what I was hoping for. I think it's pretty clear that this chapter is far from perfect but I'm glad that it feels like there's something there. Yep, regardless of how this chapter on its own was received I was pretty sure I was going to have to rework key elements of the story to feel more cohesive. A lot of what I've been thinking over today is how the RA is the mystery here but we don't get to see them do anything. I think connecting Z to that from the moment she appears is key to having her character work. The suggestion to move up J working with RA is good, and I think I need to go even further and have the RA do something rather than just kind stand around menacingly so that there's a reason to care.

All right let's get into it! pg 1. In terms of very first impressions, I like the clear twist on the magic trope here, but I also want to be gripped by the first line and not have it be generic so that it gets knocked down in the next paragraph. -I don't think the bottom paragraph is necessary, at least as someone living in the US who immediately knows why that kind of education is less prestigious where I live pg 2. Where are we, exactly? I think magic being involved means I need more info than I otherwise would. It seems like we're on earth? pg 3. So far it seems like the thematic setup around education and social class is disconnected from the current scene. I'm guessing it connects eventually but it might help to see more of those connections early on -So the march is specifically a protest? Might be helpful to clarify that as soon as we see it so we know it's not like the equivalent of a march for cancer cure. Does this also imply that mages are being beaten down? Given the first page I assumed mages hold a place of prestige pg 4. Old identity is an interesting hook -The funding being cut is the clearest connection we have to the first page right now. I want that to be the first dynamic I understand about this scene pg 5. Now I'm guessing we're not on Earth. I know it's good to avoid dropping a lot of names but telling us what places are called would be an easy way of fixing that confusion for me pg 6. I think the story might be able to be a bit more explicit about what SO66 is, even if it involves exposition. Right now I just want to know what's going on and am willing to read through a paragraph of explanation. -This might be connected to me understanding it, but I think I care less about this large-scale bill and more what's happening to this specific school. The budget cuts were interesting to me because they connected to the themes on the first page but it seems like that isn't the focus pg 7. Hmm and now this mural thing feels disconnected from everything else too. I do think there's a lot of potential with this thread though pg 9. Them being a former chosen one is another interesting thread that also doesn't quite feel connected to the story. Maybe this could be the segway from page 1 into the first scene? It would be easy to bring up teenage chosen ones with the whole magic school thing. pg 10. Another point of difficulty is that handing power over to the oppressed is a lot more complicated than he's making it sound, in the sense that they probably don't have the proper framework to deal with that power pg 12. I think I might need to see more of why this was figured out. And honestly I think it might be more interesting if their identity stays hidden for longer and they have more time to wrangle with it. After all, they can figure out that A's a powerful mage without figuring out exactly who they are. 1. A lot of the individual threads here are interesting. Off the top of my head: -Magic education and degrees from community colleges being looked down upon due to classism, budgets being cut: I like -The bill and protests: I'm not as engaged with -A being a former teenage chosen one: I like -The deal with the school administration forcing them out in the open: Not as engaged with 2. Losing interest: Mostly me losing interest was feeling like all of the threads of the story (see above) were disconnected from each other. It feels like we jump around a lot thematically. I think either finding a way to weave different elements together or focusing on one for now and bringing the others in later could work. I think one difficulty is that the opening is specifically about economic struggles but a lot of A's deal is about interaction with a vague "system" involving legislatures, police action, ect. The story seems to be acting like these are interchangeable but imo it hasn't actually established that. Obviously there are connections but the story talking about school being expensive and the culture looking down on community college degrees does not prepare us for protests and discussions of a police state. And then where we actually get motion is around A's identity, which I feel like isn't the story that was promised from the opening or the first scene. Basically, I think the story has a lot of potential and a lot of interesting points but I'm not sure it knows exactly what it wants to be right now. Confusion: mostly around the setting. I'm sure the republic and all being unnamed is intentional but it's not doing me any favors. The character names and culture make me think we're on earth but the lack of republic being named and the history makes me think we're in a fantasy world. 3. I didn't mind any of it though I'm probably more tolerant of inner monologues than a lot of people. Tbh I wanted a bit more of A mulling stuff over in their head because I didn't understand the setting that well.

Thanks @kais @Mandamon and @shatteredsmooth (for some reason the site won't let me tag you) for your thoughts! In some ways it's nice to have a consensus like this (even if it's that the story isn't working) because it provides a clear path forward. This is enough evidence at this point that I think I need to take a good hard look at the story and see how I want to rework the beginning, given that nothing here is really catching people's interest. Given that, I'll hold off on subbing until I feel like I've found a new path forward. Based on the feedback, it sounds like the big issue here with the dynamic between S and Z is that it doesn't go anywhere. Which means I do think there's still potential for a story that revolves around their dynamic (with their personalities more or less staying intact) if I connect it better to plot motion. Unless people disagree with that statement I think I'm going to focus on that and think about how to accomplish it in the next write-up. I'll keep this in mind! I've never gotten this suggestion actually despite everyone commenting that I like dialogue so thanks. I think I'm going to try to take this framework in a different direction. Every chapter I'll ask myself "Is there any reason why this couldn't be done better in epistolary style?" And if the answer's no, I know I need to add more focus on in the moment actions rather than dialogue. But for the future I'll definitely keep an epistolary style in mind. That's a good point! It makes sense that these would feel disconnected right now. The problem that I need to solve is that the first is the real problem here but the second is the only one she has any way to make progress on. I think that Z's story might have to start later on when these two points become more connected. This is a great comment and I think it will really help me in thinking about their dynamic. It actually lines up pretty much exactly with what I learned when I researched romance plots (after writing this current draft): that for an interpersonal relationship to be interesting, characters must have something that pulls them together and something that pulls them away. Right now I think we have something that pulls them away (their different ideas on how to approach this tense situation), but nothing about their dynamic is pulling them together (like you identified, it's just the fact that they're siblings which is *very* nonspecific). My first thought is to focus more on how both of them are outcasts in some way who need to stick together, but we'll see how that changes with more thinking and more writing. Thanks again, everyone! Again, I appreciate people slogging through writing that has some core issues; I've never really gone through this editing process for a fantasy novel before so there's a lot for me to learn.

No real sex in the chapter but talk about sexuality does tranlsate into talk about sex. Hi everyone, The feedback I got on the first three chapters is basically the same: that it's unclear what the story actually is and what's getting it rolling. So I do want to say that I will try not to blindly rush ahead if I think the story hasn't solved any of the issues brought up. That being said, I am hoping that this chapter in particular gives us a better idea of what the story wants to be. My main question after reading is: Do you think there's an interesting story here with S and Z's dynamic as the central focus and the rest of the themes/subplots branching off it? I'm honestly less concerned with whether or not this chapter nails it (though of course that's useful to know too) and more interested if this shows the potential of a real story to work with here. Because it seems like the earlier chapters didn't even have that. Thanks!

Yeah, I figured it was a real thing and only questioned it because of the context. I think hearing plants, dicots, or something similar here would help. Though if it's just me who's confused it might also might just be me being overly vigilant about looking for innuendos given that I know I tend to miss them. That does sound like fun! I think I can roll with that... if I get the proper hints here so that the surprise isn't jarring (and so that I'm interested enough to get there). I think the defining sentences you mentioned should help, and I think the bits of science expertise that are shown off here (such as her recognizing that the wood is artificial) do also help. Any chance we could get more of that in the background we get in the first couple of pages? Because while I don't think I need to know exactly what's serious and what's not, I think I do need to trust that the story has something up its sleeve so far as the science is concerned. Which I'm sure it does as someone who knows that you're an experienced scientist, but if I picked this up not knowing who you are I might not be so sure.

Great! And I will keep you updated on how this feels going forward. For this chapter I think all I really need is to know that that people are at least thinking about this (or in a broader sense that the story is aware of it if the characters aren't yet).

Thanks @Silk! I'm planning to reframe this whole thing under different plot notes and character dynamics. Hopefully that helps both the confusion/disconnect here and the lack of emotion/motion you're picking up on.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! I'm relieved that there's some good to be had here in the interrogation scene. I do want it to work and just have it be better placed in the context of the story rather than cutting this chapter entirely and now I feel more confident that's the way to go.

Thanks @C_Vallion! Seems like more confirmation that the focus isn't really where it needs to be, and there's not a ton more that can be said until it resolves. Funny how it can be so obvious in retrospect but not when looking over it without feedback, huh?

Time to get into it! pg 1-2. The only information I really feel like I get from this is the last line/paragraph. Maybe could either be condensed or expanded if the dynamics on the first page need to matter pg 2. Hmm I understand why population control would be necessary but given how it's been used as a talking point historically this does raise my suspicions... should it? pg 4. I like the setting work and characterization here with the cooking! My only hangup is that this seems like a very character-focused moment and given how quickly PoVs have already switched around I'm not sure how important A is to the larger story, so I'm not sure whether to get invested. pg 5. I like the setup of the differences between people who lived on earth and people who were born on the ship. This dynamic seems really key to understanding what's going on, and I'd like more of this even earlier like in ch 1. But hey, maybe that's the fantasy reader side of me talking. -The military being heavily involved makes me even more skeptical about this going well This was basically exactly my reaction pg 8. This dynamic of generational jobs is interesting to me! Though I find it hard to believe that it's as unchallenged as J seems to think it is. It might help if she has an idea of what would happen if she tried to challenge it--unless it's really not in her consciousness at all. But with how much she thinks about other jobs it has to be, right? pg 9-10. So far F is the least interesting of our three PoVs to me. I think this is because I'm more interested in the cultural and societal setup of the ship and how it will translate to planet life than the science. Again, not really a sci-fi reader. -Because of this I'm not really sure what his scene does for the chapter, at least given what I'm interested in. pg 13. I'm both interested in this and unsure. I pictured the society as being either implicitly or explicitly a strict caste system, but given that there's a lot of talking back to their superior pg 14-15. The control that the admins have over the generationals seems very tenuous. It's an interesting dynamic but the fact that nobody is acknowledging that makes me wonder if it's intentional. Overall: Character connection here is good! I'm still unsure if the story is going to focus on a core cast of characters with their own standalone arcs or if they're supposed to be closer to setting fixtures where the real story comes from the combined context of what all of them are doing. This makes it hard for me to be fully invested since I don't feel like I know what I'm getting myself into. I'd be reading forward at this point, but tentatively. Like I mentioned, my real interest is in the social/cultural dynamics of the ship. There's a lot of interesting stuff here but I still feel like I need more clarification as to what the dynamic between admins and generationals actually is. Admins as a name makes them sound like they occupy an explicitly higher social status and the fact that generationals don't get to choose their jobs makes it sound like the generationals are being tightly controlled, but their interactions with the admins don't make it seem that way. I feel like with a system like this there must be a real threat of mutiny or at least resistance (especially given that J is basically already doing the resistance part), so the fact that the story doesn't seem to be acknowledging the cracks in the system makes me wonder if the power dynamic here is really as important or focal as I want it to be.

I'd also like a slot, please!

All right let's go! pg 1. -The opening is strong but the novelty wears off after a couple sentences and I'm looking for something to catch my attention -Wood anatomy PhD as in actual plant wood? I'm having trouble telling what's real and what's an innuendo, which I think it somewhat intentional but I do need to be confident about the basic facts. -I had to do a double take when talking about PhDs and tenure since I first read PI as principal investigator like a science prof pg 2. -I like the delving into her personal life. The dynamic of her being the only person really capable of what she does and still can barely support herself is engaging to me -I am a bit curious why these kinds of crimes require her and why her skills aren't broad enough to make her the best person for handling other crimes. I think the larger point is that I can't tell whether this is absurdist and I should just ignore it (it's not over-the-top enough for me to jump to that) or if there's real logic here (in which case I might need more of it) pg 3. Is the sex pun accidental or on purpose but she forgot to hold herself back with new clients? That changes how I read this pg 4. Random thought that came to me: is she passionate about this line of work? It seems like not but in that case I'm not sure why she isn't looking for other jobs. If she does have a PhD in plant science I feel like there must be other options even though I know it's not the most lucrative field (not looking forward to the job search after I finish my plant science PhD...). -If she has such trouble making ends meet then why is she limiting herself to domestic cases? pg 5-10. I'm not sure if this is just because I have less familiarity with sex stuff than most people but is this, like, a plausible thing? Trying to commit crimes with sex toys? I'm not sure how seriously to take the story and I can't tell how much of that is the story and how much of that is me being ace/mildly sex-repulsed and also not caring much for subtle social cues to begin with pg 12-14. I'm willing to roll with this but it feels disconnected from what we have before pg 15. Y seems like nothing but bad news and I don't know why D is going along with this. Hmm now seems like a good time to mention that I've never really read noir and sex-related stuff is rarely funny to me. So I really can't say what my reactions are worth given how far away I am from the intended audience. That being said... A lot of interesting dynamics here but ultimately my hangup with the story is that I don't know how seriously to take it. There's a tone of everything being a bit over the top which I think is good but for me the events aren't so absurd that I ignore all the logic questions, which is what I think the story wants me to do. Because while the sex jokes set a sillier tone, what's actually happening outside of that doesn't seem all that absurd to me. Which leaves me stuck feeling like the story has a bunch of gaps in reasoning. When in reality the gaps in reasoning should be so obvious that it becomes funny. Again, this is all assuming that I'm right in thinking it's supposed to be absurdist and over-the-top, which I'm not convinced I am. I think this also extends a bit to me wanting more from Y. I made up my mind about hating her with the "boundaries are boring" which I'm guessing I'm supposed to, which means I need to see more about how she's getting D to engage with her at all. Manipulations, threats, promises of security, ect. I think she could also be more over-the-top as well if that's what the story is trying to go for. -I'm not sure if the inciting incident is the request or Y showing up. Tbh both feel like another day on the job so I don't find it sufficient but again it's not like I'm the target audience for this kind of thing -Like I've been implying, I'd like the tone to be more over-the-top as a whole rather than relying on all of the sex jokes (which is not to say that I want them cut; just that I don't think they should do all the heavy lifting) for that. Though like I also mentioned, this is assuming I'm getting the right read on what the story wants to be. Now it's time for me to ask a question: Was it valuable for you to get this perspective from someone way outside the intended audience for this story? I won't be offended if you say no; I'm happy to keep critiquing but I also don't want to waste both of our time if me doing so isn't going to be helpful.

Thanks for your feedback @Mandamon @kais! I was hoping that the story would feel more solidified as we were going in deeper, but it looks like I have a lot more work to do on that front. It sounds like the big issue is that the story really doesn't know what it wants to be right now, and ends up feeling unfocused as a result. And I think the reason for this is that I'm unintentionally misleading readers as to what it's about. The more I think about this story, it's really not about finding out who the RA is or what happened to the brother, and it's more about how those circumstances pull S and Z apart as they both try to do the right thing in different ways. Which... we get absolutely none of in the first three chapters. So of course there's no emotion in S talking to M not because they're doomed to uninteresting interactions but because Z is really the focal point in S and M's communication--and we're missing that entire piece right now. At least, those are my current thoughts. I'm sure there's more to work on as well. I think I'm going to submit the next chapter where S and Z finally interact to get a feel for it, and then rework the opening chapters to revolve more around that. Thanks for your thoughts! I know it's not always the most fun to critique a piece that has a lot of work needed but it really does help--and I am dedicated to fixing these issues.

Whoops, looks like I forgot to put this up yesterday! Sorry about that! Additional content warning for mentions of torture Hi all, I got a lot of helpful feedback over the last couple of chapters that may end up changing how I approach the story, but for now I'm going to keep moving forward. My current plan is to work the ending of ch. 1 where S talks to J about interrogating M into this chapter. Oh, and feel free to give prescriptive advice because my brain works well when it can just bounce different ideas around. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of interest/engagement? Positive qualities? 2. What's not working for you or is confusing? 3. How are the characters coming across? 4. Does the talk with D at the start feel disconnected from the events later on with M? If so, do you think they should be better connected/split into different chapters, ect. Is there one you see as being more interesting or important than the other?

@shatteredsmooth@Silk Thanks for the feedback! It's really good to get some guidance about what's going on with Z. I think what's being hammered in here is that Z's story really isn't coming together into anything cohesive yet. I think part of Z coming across as strange is just due to how much focus there is on her *not* being a certain way (i.e. not up in arms to rescue her partner) but there's not enough actually going on to give context about what that means. I think I will either revamp this chapter or wait a bit to introduce her.

That's a good point. What S has (currently as written) is Klinefelter Syndrome. Skin color is mapped to the X chromosome for these people so S has the same blotchy skin patterns (due to X-inactivation) as any other mixed-race person with 2+ X chromosomes (which the culture simplifies to women). This falls into the "was vaguer than I maybe should have been due to the in-universe culture not having a ton of knowledge around this stuff." And me knowing more about the biological side than the social side since maybe this hits on bad tropes I'm unaware of. If your gut says that it's a bad idea to do what I'm proposing I do want to take that seriously. I do want to have "people who don't fit in banding together" be a running theme here (though hopefully not in a heavy-handed way), and I think it's unavoidable to some degree since the protags and non-antagonist supporting characters are all misfits in some capacity. In that case, do you think I should remove S having Klinefelter? Should I go ahead anyway and be prepared to cut it/change the story around it in the likely event that there's a lot more work to be done? I really appreciate the example. It really helps me get a feel for what you're talking about. And thanks for the effort you've put into explaining everything to me! I don't want to take that lightly.

Also want to add on that as someone who does outline a bit (~3 page outline per novel), it's not like my pacing is always great either. So yeah, like others have been saying, go ahead and dive into it! You won't be missing out on anything