Appol PhD

Thanks for the clarification! Could I also have a last-minute slot since there's only one sub right now? I understand if it's too late but I thought I'd ask.

Yeah I realized this after I posted. Idk if others disagree but I'd say @RedBlue you're good to go if you want to send your submission out tonight and you can touch base with us tomorrow if there's any confusion. Or if it's easier I don't think people will be annoyed if you just send it out tomorrow.

You're fine. I guess just coincidentally nobody else has requested a slot. Normally Silk will confirm the slots but she has to take this week off. I was on the fence about submitting something for next week but since it looks like you're the only one else I might as well throw something out there and keep you company. @Robinski can you confirm that RedBlue is good to go for tomorrow? I'll also take a slot if it isn't too last-minute (but I understand if it is).

Overall: I like the characters well enough, but they don't wow me enough for me to feel like this slow burn approach is the best one. My reaction was more "these characters are pretty cool so I hope they get to do more exciting stuff soon" rather than their personalities themselves causing me to turn the page, if that makes any sense. I think part of the reason for this is that I'm still not entirely sure what the story wants to be about, really. I could tell in chapter 1 that getting the map was a diversion that was going to end up throwing the main plot into C's face, but now I feel like I need to have a better sense of direction. If the rest of the story is going to be heavily focused on the relationships between C and the rest of the crew I think a lot of the scenes here make sense, but I didn't get that vibe so I was wondering what the point was for a lot of the chapter, pleasant as it was to read. C's backstory is in a weird place for me. I simultaneously feel like we get too much and not enough. Not enough in the sense that there's not enough character hook there for me to be invested, and too much as in I don't understand why this secretive guy is telling S some pretty important parts of his past after not knowing her for very long. What I really want is the story to force C to reckon with his backstory in moments where he doesn't want to, and I don't think pleasant conversations are the best for that. Good luck editing! As I go: pg 2: What exactly is he wary of? If S is loyal to V then I'm not sure where the concern is coming from. pg 5: Everything up until now has been entertaining, but I'm not sure how much of it is necessary. Maybe because I don't have a great sense of what this chapter's going to be about. I feel like there's going to be some problem gathering the maps but I'm not sure what I should be looking out for. pg 6: what do the southerners use instead of coal? And the fact that it's several centuries out of date by southern standards makes me feel like they should be more advanced than they seem to be, considering that we use coal power today (at least in the US where I live... though not really out of necessity, I'll admit). -I'm not sure what new info we're getting from this convo. We already know S is chatty and easily embarrassed (mood btw). pg 7: Not sure we need to chat with S in the first place; definitely don't think it should be two whole pages. Take it as a compliment, since it means you were so good at setting her up last chapter we don't need this now. pg 9: I feel like there has to be some wrench in C's plans coming up, right? Everything so far has been pretty smooth for him. pg 10: I think S' question about him not wanting to stay exposes a hole in the story: that C is really aimless right now. Intentionally so, to be sure, but I'm not sure how much longer that stays interesting. pg 11: I know I said before that we need more on C's backstory but considering how reserved he's been I'm not sure why he's sharing so much with S. -Yeah for someone who doesn't care to talk about it it seems like he's talking about it quite a bit. And it's not like S seems to be pushing him on it either 14: C doesn't seem surprised by the patrol in any capacity, so I feel like it's something he should have mentioned to them if he knew it was a reasonable possibility. Of course, this could be solved if he explains that they normally don't patrol this far out or something like that.

Overall: I like this version better! I think everything I want to say is covered in the questions below. 1. More tension, yes. Because A is doing things himself instead of letting G take care of everything. Imminent danger? Not really because of the time scale. The fact that C is keeping A in here for weeks before anything happens kinda dulls the tension for me. 2. Yes! ...But I think there's still a ways to go. He definitely feels more like an MC, and I feel more connected to him because he's the one doing stuff. I think room for improvement is that his personality and skillset are pretty nonspecific. I could imagine most protags reacting the way he does to his situation, so he doesn't really stand out to me. 3. I think it's better... for everyone except A. The count and the jailer have good lines, for the most part, but A's responses never tell me much about character dynamics or even really what's going on. 4. Yep! As I go: pg 1: Wasn't C trying to be reasonable and only cared about M? The more focus that's on A rotting away in a cell, the less I'm sure why it's happening -I like the exercise. More than anything in the last chapter, he's taking his own initiative and doing something. Gotta start small. -hmm though when it's revealed to be a habitual thing I care a lot less. Makes me wonder why we're focusing in on this moment. pg 2: The motion of the guard going in and bonking A all happens very quickly. Unless the cell is really small and he just has to reach in. pg 3: Is A the bragging type? I didn't think of him that way. Though I do like that we're getting more characterization. pg 4: I still don't really understand why C has to keep A imprisoned. There are already rumors that he's a demon, right? I don't think A recounting his experiences will change much. pg 5: Why is he waiting several weeks to make this offer? Did he want to break some of A's spirit beforehand? -Execution makes a lot more sense than keeping him here for several weeks already. pg 6: A here feels very visceral and that's something I don't like. I feel like bursts of anger like this cause the emotions to crowd out the dynamics of the story, especially since what he's saying here is pretty generic. This could also just be a personal pet peeve, though. -Bro why are you punching the wall? pg 7: I like A shifting to determination but I think I need it to be justified by a plot shift (hard to do when he's stuck in a cell the whole time, I know). Right now it feels pretty spontaneous. pg 8: I like this ploy of his. Assuming that the jailer hasn't been told of his innocence is a good bet to make. -Stabbing someone in the neck is kinda brutal. I assume this is A's first time doing it? It's believable that he could do it without problem but I don't think it should feel so casually written.

Overall: Everything here was pretty engaging, and I especially appreciated getting some more background on what's going on and Y's theory of what the planet A is doing. Honestly if there's any way to get to this explanation sooner in the novel I'd welcome it, since it makes a lot of stuff from earlier chapters make more sense to me. Especially what A does to other planets. One thing I noticed, though, is that while a lot happens in this chapter, there's not much of the characters doing it. It feels like they flounder for 10 pages and then S makes one important decision at the end. I really liked what they were talking about but it was hard for me to have full buy-in when they're not translating it to direct action. Assessing the situation is good, but I'd like to see them do something more than talking, even if it's just dodging around space debris while getting pulled in (just an example). As I go: pg 2: What is S trying to find in these documents? Something about where they're going and how to help themselves? I can't quite see the connection if that's the case. pg 3: Ah okay so P was being pulled by them. Did S suspect this was the case, or did she know and make Y read through all the stuff before for some other reason? -good emotion at the bottom of the page pg 5: Oh is that why the ship is being pulled in, then? Interesting pg 7-9: This is all fine on its own but the characters seem pretty powerless right now so I don't have full buy-in since I don't know if their decisions here actually matter. pg 11: So S is using cellulose magic to take control of the thrusters and push them through a portal, basically? Took me a while to figure out what was going on.

...And edits are in! Main things I addressed: -Added a chapter arc Where W goes to thinking of N only as E's friend and E only as a gateway to her past at the start to seeing them as their own people (N especially) removed from her own baggage at the end. This is done using the flower as a vehicle to bring up memories of them since it seemed like people were intrigued by that. It's sort of me trying to conjure plot out of nothing so I'm not quite sure if it will land perfectly, but I think it's a step in the right direction at least. -W's character was adjusted, especially her relation to E. Instead of hating him, she laments that him trying to be nice by faking continued romantic interest in her ended up hurting both of them in the end, and is a bit more explicit (though hopefully not too mopey) about her own insecurities that her relationship with him exacerbated. This also changes her dynamic a bit with N, since she trusts E not to be friends with a total dbag at least. -Minor adjustments to N, A, and E with the goal of making them... not necessarily likable, but less dislikable. N reads social situations better and is generally scaled back, and A is less in W's face about social group politics. -Science talk about the flowers was shortened since it didn't end up mattering much. More focus on what memories the flowers remind W of.

I ended up scaling A back a bit in revisions. She's still very tuned into social group politics but is less in W's face about it now. Other people have mentioned this too. I don't remember if I had to do this a ton in high school but I did have to do it a decent amount in college (A's was based on the one I always used about my family's bassett hounds) so I assumed it wasn't that weird. And not that I was super tuned into the social sphere of my high school but I definitely knew less than half the people in my year at graduation, and even less three years in. Yeaaaah I can't really write popular kids I guess. I ended up taking this line out naturally anyway. W was less thinking that they were at the top of the social ladder and more there's stuff they can get away with as well-presenting white guys. Idk where you teach but Oregon is BAD with this. Classes tended to be 50+ students at my school. Didn't think about it too much at the time but those poor teachers. Heh well especially with the prologue I wasn't trying super hard to hide that his family has some sort of connection to magic. Based on these comments I wonder if there's something in N's character I need to address. He's supposed to come across as a bit suspicious but not necessarily in a malicious way. Hey don't let that stop you. I mean it's not like I'm published either and I still make comments on your story. I value your feedback! Something vaguely along those lines, yeah. Glad to hear it wasn't too heavy-handed. Yeppp this is personal experience all the way. Even my white dad can use chopsticks better than I can. It's why I tap on a keyboard for my creative stuff rather than do visual art. Feel free to steal! I don't think he'd have too much of a problem saying it but yeah I don't think announcing that fact is something he'd lead with. I did scale N back a bit with edits but I might need to take a deeper look at his character since I don't think some future chapters work well if he comes across as malicious. You're the third person to mention this so there's definitely something there... I agree with your assessment of W but I don't think she sees herself that way. I'm hoping with revisions I can write around this point rather than over it, since her whole "I can only do basic logic and numbers" is definitely a crutch for her to avoid stuff she doesn't want to engage with. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone!

Overall: Like everyone is saying, I think the main structure of what's going on is really solid. Most of my comments are minor ones in the LBLs. I'll say that for me the most interesting dynamic was how people don't take O seriously. That has to be the worst feeling for someone who wants to be a hero, and it probably hurts more that from an outside perspective they're not wrong to treat her as naive. This is something I'd like to see played up more. That everyone around O, including B, thinks that she's not only foolish but also a little ridiculous and pitiful (not necessarily in a malicious way). And that as much as O wants to be taken seriously, she's in a scary new world and can't make herself feel strong. Though this is just a suggestion, and I'm sure there are other points this chapter can focus on instead. Good luck editing! As I go: pg 2: I think this chapter is about the time where I don't really want to see any more direct references to O wanting to be a hero until there's further development of what that idea means to her. At this point I think we know that this is O's trait and if the story says something like "She refused to beg," we'll understand why. -"A save her from mouthy women." I don't really get a clear view on what this means or why. I can understand "we can't chat now we're in the middle of something" or "help I'm socially awkward stop talking so much to me" but this is a pretty strong statement and it caught me off guard. pg 3: This might be an ace/aro thing (or a someone who doesn't wear nail polish thing) but I find the "wow you rescuing/carrying me is hot even though I don't want to admit it because I'm headstrong" is more engaging to me than "that nail polish makes you look hot." I get that physical attraction is a thing but for me it's more interesting when stories base romances off character dynamics instead of visual attributes. -Was O not trying to play dead? I thought that was a reasonable course of action back in the last chapter. pg 4: again, I don't really care about the nail polish. Right now it feels like it's distracting me from the dynamic. pg 5: Was the sharp claw thing a careless accident? Are people trying to rough her up a little since she's new and scared? I feel like O would be able to get a general vibe from the crowd. I do like how she is clearly out of her depth and scared here, though. Gives our hero a clear way to grow. pg 8: Oh the nail polish was something that makes her seem out of place? I didn't catch that beforehand. I think the mystery of B can be played up beforehand... is that part of why O's drawn to her? pg 11: I like how O's being hit with reality. She does seem kinda naive like B was saying (not that I'd do any better in her position). pg 12: I also like the condescending pats. Must be really annoying for someone who wants to be a hero.

This is a good point to make, and it reminds me of what some other writers have told me about how it needs to be clear that the character has a life outside the story, even if you don't see much of that life. I think some writers will plan out stuff like this and others will try to have it come out naturally, so you'll have to find what works for you. My personal strategy is somewhere in the middle: I start with a few defining character traits and try to have that bleed naturally into everything else they do. You'll most likely just have to play around and see what works for you. It does make sense for A to encounter his mentor figure early on, but I think the mentor needs to bring out something in the hero for it to work. Right now it feels more like this is G's story with A sorta tagging along rather than G guiding A along, if that makes any sense. This is one of the tradeoffs with not having A be a special chosen one like in draft 1; it's harder for us to feel like the story's about him. Still, I think this is a necessary point in between writing A as being the protag because he's pure and having him be important for a more engaging reason. I think the story just needs to find what that reason is.

Just so you're not constantly annoyed at me for going forward with this (I'll respond to other stuff later), I'll say that I changed the focus of N from "homeschooled" to "from a cloistered community with very little contact to outside world and lack of most modern technology."

Yeah, it's probably good for me to put some more thought into this. That being said, the idea of something being examined by science, people not finding much, and people losing interest pretty quickly happens a decent amount, at least from what I've seen. Plus there's really not that much study on (potential) flower crops simply because there's not a huge market for it (compared to edible horticultural crops, anyway, and even those are dwarfed by research on agronomic crops). Plus the flowers in this story being fragile and rare means it's really hard to do much with it. The question is whether or not that feels right for the story, which I'll have to think about. I do know something can feel unrealistic even if it is realistic. The mystery of the flowers took vague inspiration from the idea of Florigen: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florigen#:~:text=Florigen (or flowering hormone) is,of buds and growing tips. Kinda crazy to think that we don't know how something as basic as flowering works after trying to find this hormone for almost a century, huh? Anyways, for the flower in this story, I think I'm going to lean into the Florigen reference and focus on two things: 1. People tried to domesticate this flower but it didn't like that so they couldn't and 2. Like Florigen, there's definitely a hormone responsible for the process because of how rapidly it occurs, but we have no idea what it is. Both of those have pretty clear precedent and I'm hoping will come across as less wishy-washy. I'm actually glad to hear this because I've heard so many stories of allo people reacting the way W does when their partner discovers a lack of real romantic feelings that I kinda assumed it was the normal reaction. I can definitely take another look at this. I don't think W has really worked through her feelings about this yet, so it's all messy and the anger is just what comes through the strongest. I agree that she needs to do a little more work and acknowledge some more of what's going on at a minimum, even if her emotions are still messy. Well he doesn't want to set people's teeth on edge at least so it's clear this deserves another look. Plus I think he'd know at this point that A doesn't like him. And the more I look at this line, the more I realize it's also just generic. This is good to confirm, since I had an inkling this might be the case. I think my first step will be to try and focus on a chapter arc here, maybe focusing on what the flower means to her. I'll see if I can tie it to the larger plot. Worst case is I just cut the chapter. This is funny for me to hear because in the first chapter W is very insistent that she's fine without romance. I'm guessing the reading here comes from her thinking about E a lot, which (in her mind at least) is less "man I wish my romance life went better" and more "wow that sucked can I please not have that happen again." I'll comb through and see if I can make it clear that her stewing isn't as much about wanting to find a "good" romance as it is reliving a bad time. Thanks for your thoughts and welcome to the group! This is a good point. One of my challenges in this story is trying to write a romance drama where the conflict is due to tension between characters is having those same characters be (mostly) rational and reasonable. I think you hit on a real weakness for the chapter and the story as a whole; W is buying into A's explanation because she has to for there to be conflict, not because it makes total sense. And other feedback highlighted that her dismissing E puts her in a bad light, so I'll need to find a way to have her take E more seriously while still having the conflict. I feel like the easiest thing for her to do is to pull away from it all and reserve judgment a bit more but that could easily run into its own issues if it feels like she's not interacting with the story. Regardless of what I do, this is a great point and I'm glad you drew my attention to it!

Overall: I don't really know about horror tropes so I can't comment that much in that regard. For me the main thing was that there wasn't anything to draw me into specific aspects or details of the story that I could see. Which I'm sure is really frustrating feedback to get, since I don't have an easy fix in mind and it's hard to point to specific examples. My recommendation is to see if you can scatter specific details about the characters especially without making the chapter much longer. Qualities that feel like it fits their character that no other character in this story would have. Right now it's hard for me to picture the story because my mind doesn't have much to latch onto. Though at the same time I don't want paragraphs of description. The plot is quite solid. I think this is the strongest part of the chapter. The basic series of events made a lot of sense and kept me engaged. I do think some aspects of the dialogue are better! For me it was strongest when G was talking with D, because that felt like a conversation that could only happen between those two characters and helped me get a feel for their dynamic. When G's explaining plot stuff to A I think there's some more room to add personality into it. As for A... to be blunt, not really. G is the most interesting character to me. He has secrets, agency, and strong motivations honed by his past and not something that happened last night (which therefore makes him seem consistent and strong). A has none of those qualities. If I replace A with most teen boy protags I don't think a ton changes in the story, which is generally a sign his character needs more work. As I go: pg 1: a little thing is that if we already know the info A's saying, we don't need to hear it word for word again. You can fast-forward us through this. pg 2: hmm this isn't a tangible thing but it feels like everything here is really simple so there's not too much to engage with. Is the count lying or did he brainwash them? We don't have a ton of info either way. pg 3: btw for what it's worth I do like the parents staying alive. Makes the sheen of the count presenting as normal feel more real pg 4: I feel like we're supposed to trust G's assessment here but I don't really know why. Dude is just a tutor so far as we know, right? Does A think there's more to it than that? pg 5: the point about his body withstanding the jump piques my interest more than anything else so far. Now it's clear the guy isn't normal. I think the story was going for that with resisting the mind control but I didn't interpret that as a superhuman action pg 7: I get A is out of his depth and it's fine for him to be like this for the first few chapters but his character isn't gripping me. I think it's the combo of not really doing anything and his only desires being wanting to do something pretty foolish (go back and save his family). I want to feel like this is the start of a character arc but as is I don't quite see it. pg 8: bottom of the page is one of the first moments of internality we get from A. This is good, and I personally want to see this coalesce into a concrete plan (it can be a dumb plan if you want, something like "I will go back and save my family once I'm armed" just as an example) pg 9: This is the chance for A to shine. What he's saying here is pretty generic and doesn't really show of his specific social skills. pg 11: This is tricky for me to critique because I can see that all the pieces are there (military friend from long ago who is now kinda distant is a great trope), but I still don't really feel it. Maybe it's that these characters need to stand out a bit more. Right now they feel pretty nonspecific. Even a few random personal details can help. -Oh if they smell so bad shouldn't they like take a bath or something beforehand so the guards don't notice them? -If it's risky I feel like you can't say "it will work" right after. pg 12: Not that I know a ton about this but I think "cripple" is considered pretty offensive towards disabled people. I get that this is a historical setting but I'd still recommend using other ways to convey the same thing unless you really know what you're doing. Again I'm not an expert though so maybe you could look into it on your own. I could be wrong.

Hi, everyone! I'm back with some more recounting how awkward my high school experience was and calling it fiction. L for mild swearing. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of engagement? Points where your engagement wavered? 2. Any major shifts in how you view characters? 3. Do you feel like enough happened in this chapter, or did it feel like there wasn't a clear advancement of the plot? Summary: Ch 1: W starts school worrying about her sick mom, argues with her ex E about their (lack of a real) relationship, and meets a new boy named N who gives her a magic(?) flower.

I figured this was the case. Knowing you and your writing I'm not too concerned but if I were a blind reader this would make me pause, albeit not much more than that. I don't think it's a problem in isolation but if there's too much more viewing people as little more than chattel/objects (especially from people we're supposed to root for like O) it might be a bigger issue for me.

I'll have a spot for Monday as well, please (pending space as usual)!

Okay, the edits are in! Main changes include bringing the mention of the flowers and the explanation about W's birth name and what she calls her parent up (to page 3), trying to fix the problematic homeschool stereotype by putting more focus on a small, disconnected community instead, and having more internality for W when she talks with E so that it (hopefully) conveys more of why she's acting the way she is. Lots of small edits from the LBLs as well. Thanks for your help, everyone!

This is something I'm really glad you commented on because after I sent out this chapter I was worried this was an issue. I was basing this off other stereotypes I'd heard in high school but I never really put much stock into them myself and after sending it out was wondering if those stereotypes are harmful/annoying/unproductive to be putting into narratives. If you hadn't commented I probably would have thought this was okay to run as is, so thanks a lot. I'm going to shift the focus more towards him growing up in a very isolated community with different social codes since "homeschooled" really isn't a precise term here. It wasn't meant to be precise since N is hiding a bit about his past but it's clear that the story's not doing itself any favors by dragging homeschooling into it. Haha this comes from me talking to another ecology person in undergrad and them being like "oh you should take mycology it's super intense and you'll be able to identify any local fungi down to the species level since the prof really pushes you," and I was like "Thanks but no thanks I wanna coast in my last year." And now I'm (kinda) working with microfungi so it came back to bite me a little. I like to imagine W is like me and got good scores on most of them but is really irked by getting a 3 on AP Lang. It still kinda bothers me to this day when I know that it absolutely should not. Really helps to hear that this is the emotional buy-in, since I was trying to make it about the sick mom. My worry about this is that the adoption isn't a major focus of the story, even though W and her parent do continue to have interactions. Do you think that will be a problem? I picture E as cis and not trans coded and I was wondering if the name would make people pause. Mostly just wanted to give him a bit of a weird name, though it might have been subconsciously me trying to make him more effeminate. I do that a lot with my male characters being AM nonbinary. Oh, I hadn't considered that. Maybe I can play off this... regardless, it's good to know. If you're curious, N is bi but E and W aren't. N is just trying to be a good friend to E since they both know E isn't interested in guys. They are pretty emotionally close though and I do want to break down the idea that emotional intimacy has to come from romance. Heh this was based off my experiences in hs but my school was also pretty engineering-intensive so it might not be the normal. Most of my social group took these math tests it felt like. Someone I knew talked about investigating everyone who got 36 on the ACT (I think there were like six my year from what he told me? I wasn't one of them). Though this does make me think I should be clearer about how these people are perfectly pleasant; they just get quite competitive when together. Glad to hear this. It's really great having someone with more familiarity with YA reading my work. I let out a big ol sigh when I read this, haha. That's me being ace; W is supposed to be straight. Conveying attraction without being super corny seems hard enough as it is but when I don't feel it myself... I'll take another look at this. I think I might go for he catches W's attention but she doesn't totally internalize it as attraction yet. Good to hear this! I think W's idea is that she's trying to criticize him without coming off as being immature about her own relationship with him, which is the real problem. I'll see if I can tie the two together. Thanks for your responses, everyone! I'll update later with what I changed based on general feedback if you're interested but I wanted to respond to at least one individual comment from each person since I really value everyone's input!

Overall: I really like the general story setup here. The airships are cool, and I can piece together how this is setting up the plot. Something tells me that the quick detour to get maps won't be as simple as C thinks it is... But like everyone else is saying, there's a really strong foundational plot here. I also do like the characters, especially S, even if she can be a bit much for me at times. A couple comments, though. First, C's defining personality trait is that he failed M, but we don't get a lot from him about what that means. Which means, for me, the main reason I was turning pages in the story didn't actually get me anything. I think the easiest way to help with this would be to give just a few details about M so we can see how much she means to him. They can even be pretty basic ones (aspects of physical appearance, common activities, ect.) if you want to save hard-hitting plot stuff for later. Second, since C's immediate goal is to help these people out and get the wind charts, I think we need a motivation that's stronger than "Well I have nothing better to do." Is he the type of person who always repays debts? Even knowing something like that helps us feel for him more when he decides to help these people out. Keep up the good work! As I go: pg 1 -The idea of failing her is more interesting to me than C's physical condition, since it hits at the emotional core. I know we ended with that in the prologue but I think that should be the opener here (not to be too perscriptive) pg 3 -I think it does matter, C. Don't you dare hide this from us! For real though that's the thread I'm following here. Everything else is sorta in my peripheral vision. pg 4 -Think this can be trimmed a bit since it's not moving the story forward too much pg 5 -Was the doctor not able to tell he wasn't strong enough to walk before he tried or was she letting him try for her own amusement? pg 7 -More cutting potential here. We already know a lot of this. pg 8 -Okay so he has some shady knowledge about wind charts? I'm intrigued and expecting this to go somewhere. pg 10 -This is the core of his personal arc right now so I'd like to see him emoting a bit more here pg 13 -All right, so our friend has nowhere to go. I'm expecting an inciting incident soon at this point. pg 18 -So they're going to head to the mining town most likely and C will find something important there... that's what I'm imagining, anyway.

Overall: This was my main reaction as well. The fact that she's in denial most of the time made it feel like the story was progressing around her rather than with her. I was engaged throughout but I think there needs to be a bit more before I'm at the point where I can't put the book down. Her being in denial also made it hard for me to see any sort of emotional arc this chapter had. It's fine for O to be out of her element and get rescued near the start of her story, but I want to feel like that's setting up for something and exposing weaknesses in her that she'll need to address later. Unless her being in denial is the weakness that's being exposed here, in which case I think we need signs that the story sees it as such. Still, I think most of this is solid and I'm looking forward to reading more. As I go: pg 2 -Right now it doesn't seem like O is interacting with what's going on in the story much. This made me hesitate but it's also pretty believable that everything in her mind is consumed by wanting water so I'm not sure if this is a problem or not. -In general I don't like it when people are referred to as "it." Not that there's anything wrong with it from a craft standpoint but now I'm wondering if the story is going to keep making me feel weird like this pg 4 -The "without these I can't go home" speaks to me more than "I worked so hard to get these." -"A murder of bird people?" Love the wordplay here pg 7 -Different planes as in different dimensions/realities? that's pretty cool. Haven't seen something like that in space sci-fi before (not that I read a ton of it) -I'm less interested by the existence of "there's a rule to stop you from doing this" and want to hear more about how this rule is held in place. Does O think they won't be able to get away with stealing her ship like this? -I like the way the bird is talking casually about stuff like blowing up planets -So are O and the chartered systems in general unaware of these bird people? She seems really surprised by them. What about the different planes? pg 9 -In my mind, this is the first time O is actually really interacting with what's going on instead of hollering resistance. This is more interesting to me. pg 10-11 -A little confused on a basic plot level what's happening. Did the gun stop working or did the bird get called back for something more important?

References to sex as a general concept in this chapter but I didn't feel like that alone was worth tagging. If that's a wrong assumption, please let me know. Otherwise, I won't rehash the warning. Hi, everyone, and thanks for all of your comments last time! We have an entirely new cast of characters this time, so I'll be interested to hear what you think. questions for after reading: 1. What (if anything) caught your attention/engaged you? Do you expect the story to continue to expand on the points that interested you? 2. What's your general impression of the characters? 3. Are there enough hints that this will be romance? Or are there too many/are the hints too heavy-handed? 4. Do you have a good feel of who the love interest will be? If not, does that bother you? Thanks!

Gonna request a slot now so I can't talk myself out of it later. I'll have a slot for Monday the 8th, please.

Hi! Glad to be reading another one of your submissions. My overall engagement here was pretty moderate. I was never really bored, but I never really felt like all that much was happening either. I think this has a lot to do with the characters, which I'll talk about below. Another point is that the "oh no someone's missing and late" thing just happened two chapters ago so it was hard for me to get super invested in it. I do really like the characters here, but I think I need a bit more from them for how they fit into the story. I'm happy to see E as a PoV character since I like him but his PoV chapter doesn't really do much for him specifically. It sets up the Altzi group that he seems to have no prior connection to, and I don't get a feeling for what his character conflicts and motivations are. Assuming he's going to be a major PoV character I need to more clearly see the arc that his chapter is setting up. I do really like D and R, though. Especially that R seems to be the only one taking the Altzis seriously, which they have reason to do since the Altzis are trying to erase them. Them talking about this reminds me of me trying to tell my parents that America (where we live) is getting to be pretty dangerous and could keep getting worse. And finally, I don't feel like I get a great read on S here, and it doesn't seem like we learn much new about them. But I guess there's the potential for the rest of the chapter to flesh that out. Main worldbuilding questions are about the Altzis. I feel like I need to know more about these groups, and in particular how they formed/continue to persist. "All the people in X area became Altzis and are bad" reads a lot different from "Altzis seized power in X area and are bad news for the regular people there," which reads different from, "A small group of people from X area broke off and formed their own Altzi community." The last two explanations are fine, but I was worried the story was going for the first one which would really turn me off of the story.

Overall: Agreed with everyone else that this reads better. Also agreed that the dialogue could use some work, but that's something that will take a lot of practice most likely. One thing I'll mention that I don't think anyone else has is characterization. C now reads well which is good since he's really the one making things happen, but I want a bit more from A and M specifically. A is our protag (presumably), so I think we need to get a good feel for what makes him distinct personality-wise and what his motivations are. So far the only thing that makes him stand out is his distrust of C, which is just something he was told by G. The challenge is doing this without it being too heavy-handed, which is always a risk. In the end, I don't really have a character hook for him. I also didn't get a great read on M. The main thing we get from her is that she doesn't want to be taken and made into a priestess through this shady offer, which I would hope anyone would do in her situation. Which means we really don't know much about her as a person. Given that she seems to be quite pivotal, I think we need to know more about her. Why is C so interested in her anyway? Exploring these questions (again, while trying not to be too expository about it) will help more pieces fall into place. As I go: pg 1 -I get a better idea of what's going on here than last time pg 2 -This is nothing against the story itself but I'm skeptical of whenever a (usually kid or teen) girl is introduced the way M is. Oftentimes it feels like stories do this to say "look I did a strong female character" and then proceeding to make that character passive in regards to the plot. I'm hoping this story has her play a more active role if she's presented this way. -I know we all told you to put in references to G earlier on in the story and I'm glad you did, but I think it could be tied more into what they're already talking about. Right now it feels like a tangent. pg 3 -M's response at the top of the page is confusing to me. Like, does she not get that the question is kinda rhetorical? Is there some larger point she's trying to make? Is she just making fun of A? I still don't feel like I have a great read on her personality and motivations. pg 4 -I think it's good that A is skeptical here, and I want to know more about where this comes from. Is he typically skeptical of authority or does he just get bad vibes from C? pg 5 -What about A's answer to the count does G see as disrespectful? Not using titles, stating his name, ect. Surely A has some idea. -Is M in a position to give scathing looks to her mother? This makes it seem like she's unconcerned or at least unfazed, which I find to be a bit odd since there seems to be tension in the air. Does she have a reason for being this way? pg 7 -Other people have mentioned dialogue as a possible point of improvement, and here is one part where I noticed that the most. Knowing what's going to happen I can see what the story is trying to do, but it all feels pretty nonspecific and isn't advancing the story at all. My rule of thumb (and it's not like I'm a great writer so you can take this with a grain of salt) is that if you can picture another character saying the line of dialogue you have written out in the same situation as the character speaking, it needs to be more character-specific. pg 8 -I like the story coming out of the gate with the count wanting M. It feels like the story's really moving. pg 9 -Okay this info about G is what I think we should know at the start. We don't need his full weird tutoring methods in the opening exposition, but mentioning that G told A to distrust C in the first couple of pages solves multiple problems. It integrates G's existence into the story in a natural way since they're already talking about C, and it makes A's skepticism of him for the past few pages make more sense. Did G give a specific reason as to why A shouldn't trust C? -M's response feels more juvenile than someone who's 15 to me. If she's in firm denial I'd expect more anger towards the parents (more like "what, so now you're trying to sell me off?") -That being said, I do think this fleshes out C's motivations better. I like him trying to groom M as a priestess better than him fixating on A. pg 11 -I like how C's taking more steps to force the family into a corner by chasing off the driver. It also makes him seem more competent as a villain pg 13-14 -I like this version of the count much better. Still clearly not a good dude, but less of the wanton destruction that wasn't all that interesting to me in the first place.

Overall: The last S chapter had a really good hook, and to me it felt like this chapter didn't capitalize on it until page 20. For me, I noted two major comments: slow pace and lots of references to stuff I don't understand having not read the first three books. I think the slow pace comes from the fact that there's a lot of different stuff going on here, but none of it is important enough for the story to do a deep dive into, making it all seem unimportant. Which means I think the issue I have might be in the presentation rather than the events themselves. I don't see how each scene here connects to S' larger goals, so it's hard for me to be invested. Though even if framed properly, I do still worry about what's being covered here. Let's take the J system bureaucracy as an example. It's presented as a roadblock S needs to pass, but it really doesn't matter that much so we only get 6 pages on it and then drop it. But if it doesn't really matter, then why do we even need 6 pages on it? I honestly feel like it could be a summary blurb and we wouldn't miss much. Though again, I do think clearer framing will help this. Why does she want these files so badly? Is she hoping that they'll lead her to other people of her species? Plus, most of the stuff in this chapter ends up being overridden when the planet P pulls them in, crushing S' plans and throwing them all into danger. To me, this feels more like a hook to a chapter rather than a resolution to one. At this point I'm just thinking out loud, but when I think back it seems like the chapter arc wants to be "S struggles to get the files she wants and then eventually gets them." If that's what it's going for, I need 1. more clarity on why this matters to her so much 2. a clearer idea of what's standing in her way from getting them and 3. a conclusion that makes her do something other than pay with someone else's money to get the files she wants, since it feels like she didn't really earn them herself. That being said, if the files aren't important in the long run here I'm not sure this needs to be the arc. I'm more interested by the planet pulling them in, so I'd be happy if the rest of the chapter were cut down and we got to focus on that instead. As I go: pg 2 -"did you also have to fly your spaceship against gravity both ways to attend school?" lmao. Also this makes Y seem older than I originally thought. I was originally picturing 30s (he's a human, right? So human years apply) but this comment makes me think more 45+ like he's a cranky dad/grandpa figure to N -I don't really see a hook for this chapter yet so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be focused on. I was more engaged last S chapter this far in. pg 3 -How long has it been since the long At/N prologue? Feeling a bit disoriented trying to keep track of everything. -I think knowing that we're heading for Ard should be on page 1. If you want the banter we could get it internally from S. It took me a bit too long to get my footing. Maybe it was in the last S chapter and I should have known, but reminders don't hurt. pg 5 -What's an Eld? I don't mind not knowing things but I feel like I should know what this means, since it's being used as an explanation all on its own. -blegh lots of sexual assault metaphors for what Ard is doing. I really feel like I need to understand this better than I do. pg 6 -I get that the document is probably supposed to be dry and thorough but I had a hard time getting through it. Any chance we could get the summary instead? If I were a reader I'd honestly just ignore it anyway and infer any info from the following dialogue pg 8 -So S' thing is about finding her people? This sounds familiar but it's been a while. I think this motivation could be clearer at the start. pg 11 -Okay I think I have a clearer view on how things stand... sorta. The summary paragraph at the bottom of the page helps. pg 14 -I think this would be a really cool moment if I knew what an Eld was. Are they just political figures? Something more? Since there's only three of them I know they're special. pg 15 -I do like how much we understand about Ye immediately. The bureaucracy sounds like a huge headache pg 16 -I'm a bit less engaged now that it's just an AI here with S. Less room for fun character interactions. pg 18 -S explaining herself to N and Y here is the moment I feel for her most this whole chapter. pg 20 -P pulling in the ship is a great hook. Now I'm invested.