Appol PhD

I don't know how many people here are familiar with the Ace Attorney video games but I have to share this trailer screenshot with everyone I know. I think it speaks for itself.

Wow @Snakenaps that's... quite the set of stories for someone who's only been teaching for 3 years. Every time I wonder if I want to teach grade school, I wonder if I have the ability to deal with stuff like that. Glad to hear that you've had a bunch of wonderful kids though!

My current idea is to just call it calico and call out that inheritance works in the same way so that it doesn't seem as derogatory (I mean, there's a part of me that wants it to be casually derogatory but if it's uncomfortable then it's uncomfortable) Heh my (nonwhite) race is clear enough that people aren't usually totally off the mark, but yeah I think that's a pretty common experience. What I do also know is that for me and many others I've talked to people from my groups tend to treat me like I'm a part of the other group (white people treat me as Asian and Asian people treat me as white), so I don't really belong in either space. S looking the way he does really encapsulates how that feels to me, even if isn't a one to one connection. Yeah that makes a lot of sense! Characters acting in a way that is natural to them makes no sense without context, and even when I do try to explain it comes off as info-dumpy. I've been mulling this over and I think what I'm going to try to do is simplify the mechanics down to their bare bones at the start so that the story can happen. For example, we don't need to know the complex inheritance behind S's skin color; all we need to know is that mixed-race girls (or, well, assigned female) carry skin splotches from each parent but boys don't, yet Samai has those skin splotches despite being assigned male. Good because that's a lot of what it's going to be! Yeah! And a good reminder that not everyone has studied these types of cultures as much as I have (not that I'm a historian or anything)... because I (personally, anyway) feel like a lot of this makes more sense with certain bits of historical context. Sigh you're right as usual. I'm going to try to see if we can move forward without a prologue by simplifying some of the initial worldbuilding in the first few chapters instead of this sandboxing. The area the characters are in draws generally from Arabic/Middle Eastern culture. My current idea is to not have it be one to one, and sorta be more like how Lord of the Rings clearly draws from European culture despite not really being Europe. As such, I imagine the headscarves as not being the exact same as something like an Arabic hijab (and also the structural design at least is gender-neutral). Do you think this is the wrong approach? The assumption most people in the world make is that S is a girl. I was hoping to convey that he's intersex, since N does say S came out as male at birth (trans people aren't... really accepted in this world. Which I know comes with its own host of issues, since these repressive societies often aren't the queer rep people want to see). Thanks for your comments, everyone!

Yeah I think everyone is in accord about all of this which is really good to know. Glad that S and Z came through at least a little, and it might be better just to start things in their perspective. Still have to worry about stuff being both confusing and infodumpy there but I don't think it will be quite as bad there. Thanks for your thoughts!

Thanks for your extensive comments @leapfrog! Looks like everyone's in agreement about a lot of aspects. Yeah the calico thing was supposed to reference cats. It sounds like you didn't like the descriptors because they were referencing people using animal-like attributes? If you're curious, what is going on (though the characters don't have the science to express this) is that skin color is on the X chromosome. So people with 2+ X chromosomes can potentially have different patches of skin color due to X-inactivation (as an aside, I couldn't find a great source on the timing of X-inactivation since most studies are in mice). Generally these people are assigned female, but S is assigned male with 2 X chromosomes, which makes him an anomaly. Which is also how calico cat fur works, and thus the name. I think everyone agrees that the info dump there is awkward. I put it in there because I thought it would be overwhelming later since S has a lot going on at once with how he's perceived, but it's clear that this isn't helping matters. Wary in what sense, if I may ask? Being very visibly mixed race isn't, like, the only thing that defines S but it does end up affecting a lot of his lived experience, which is touched on in his arc. I often like to write mixed race characters as being visually distinct and easily recognized as outsiders since that is what it can feel like to me, and if that's not coming across well (or if that in itself is problematic), I want to make sure that's addressed. It's a bit tricky to have the characters explain this since this is the only society type they know, but it's more that princes who don't become the ruler have to be... dealt with somehow, since the oldest son doesn't have the divine right to rule so it's easy for other brothers to constantly bid for power (potentially leading to civil wars). Historically, with this sort of power structure people often took drastic measures, such as a ruler being expected to kill all of his brothers when he ascends to the throne (though the frequency of this was kinda overblown... but still, it happened multiple times in the Ottoman Empire). So this society's less bloody solution is that all the ruler's brothers get married off as little more than property so that they can't overthrow the ruler and the ruler can get some political usefulness out of them. So what S sees as egalitarianism N sees as everyone getting the short end of the stick. Z doesn't get a chance to become ruler, no. J would be quaking in his boots if she did. Theoretically daughters aren't really a problem since they can't challenge for rulership. But sons very much are. Though it would certainly raise some eyebrows if he did have daughters, since those could have been sons. Again, no clear succession pathway means extra regulations to prevent civil wars. And yeah N is ace/aro, but I don't expect that to be clear from this prologue alone. Nobody around him gets it either. I think recounting the events from S' and Z's perspectives might be better since I can hang a lamppost on it. Thanks again for your comments! It was fun for me to be forced to remember why the society is set up this way since I kinda forgot why lol.

This is really helpful! It's possible that not all of the secrets here need to remain secrets, though I think my first step is going to be seeing if I can get away with not having this prologue and addressing the secrets from other perspectives instead. Unfortunately it might mean we need to do this same song and dance for the first couple of chapters, but fantasy books always seem to hit smooth sailing (at least from the ones I've read) after a certain point. This is also helpful, and for me is another point towards just starting this off in S' and Z's perspective. Especially for Z, since most of the background stuff that matters to her happens after the events in the prologue Hmm this one's tricky for me. I definitely don't want it to be off-putting but I also don't want to hide that the world is unfriendly for mixed race people to the point that it seeps into the language. Though "calico" is really more of a precise term as to what's going on anyway... Thanks for your thoughts and glad to have you back!

It's good to know that there's confusion around this. I think maybe it just needs more time/space so trying to ram this all into the prologue might not be worth it. Yeah, I think this needs more space. If you're curious, most nobles in this part of the world have those hand crystals, primarily purple ones that give telepath powers (N does, but it's probably not clear here) but also occasionally green ones that give empath powers like S has. M has a blue crystal which N recognizes as being very powerful (though this is not common knowledge), but it's broken and non-functional. All functional crystals also block powers from people with crystals in a small radius around the user. I think the main story might do a better idea of introducing these in a way that isn't as confusing or overwhelming... I guess we'll see. Thanks for your thoughts! It's helpful to know that I should try to clarify the magic system as I go through.

That's good (and yeah most of the stuff here is drawn from Middle-Eastern cultures)! A lot of the story focuses on those politics so that's a good sign. Hmm this is what I was worried about and makes me think I should cut this prologue altogether. I was worried the story was too confusing without it but it sounds like it's even more confusing with it. A lot of the reasons behind N's thoughts and decisions here have to be a mystery since he knows details of the main plot, and maybe those mysteries are better set up from S' and Z's perspectives. Blegh, prologues are hard. Ah that's a shame. I was hoping this would be distinct and interesting enough to cover up the fact that it absolutely is a lore dump but it is what it is. One of the reasons it's here is because N is the scholar type and is more equipped than S himself to talk about fantasy intersex genetics but I'm sure there are workarounds. Yeahhhh I was wondering about that. N is aromantic altogether (not that you'd know that from this prologue alone) and it really is just an aesthetic thing (same vein as "hey that haircut looks better on you" but in an emotionally tense situation) but it being used often in romantic tropes raises uncomfortable questions. I'm leaning towards cutting this prologue entirely so it will be a moot point but yeah.

Huzzah I am also early here since school is giving us today off (idk if I'm supposed to be taking the day off lab work but I guess I am). As I go: pg 1-2. I can't tell if this is totally mundane or part of the supernatural events. C seems to think it's mundane but if so I'm not sure how this connects to the rest of the story so the metagamer in me thinks that it's supernatural pg 3. Whoa the mom does not mess around. Again though, I need a bit of help figuring out how this neighbor drama fits into the larger story -I think part of me wanting more here is that C is being quite passive here. Makes sense logically, but I want to see her doing stuff pg 4. What I'm taking from this is that the relationship between V and C is going to be super important going forward and that V's arc is going to revolve around it pg 7. Not sure if the transfer is like an actual transfer of magical energy or just her releasing some pent-up emotions pg 8. I feel like there's no way the dad's line actually dissuades a kid from learning more, right? Still, it's good to know that the adults agree with her that there's something magical about it, though it doesn't seem like the dad is trying super hard to keep her away from it despite all the secrecy. pg 9. All right so now I see why the first scene is relevant for the story and it seems like the wood stove can bring some creatures back to life... is that what happened to V? And clearly it's not happening to the chickens, so there must be more to it than that. 1. V and C, yes. The other characters, I suppose, though I don't really care as much about them (not a problem with the story imo; they're just not the focus). What makes it tricky is that for the first half of the chapter, it's the characters I don't care about taking all the initiative. 2. To me the plot isn't super clear, so I can't really tell how quickly it's moving. Again, while it's good that C calls this out, the discoveries of the wood stove feel quite different from discovering the plane for example, which makes me feel like I can't really tell where the story is going. 3. Yeah! Bringing things back to life is cool... though there are a few unresolved questions. For me what stands out most is the earring, since that's not connected to death at all so far as I know. I mentioned in the LBLs that V might be someone who died and got brought back by the wood stove, and since C is named after it I'm wondering if she has an even closer connection to it.

Hi everyone, I'm going to do something a little weird here. I'm still working away at A Bond of Wildflowers, but I also finished a big writing project which opens up more time for editing. So I'm going to attempt (wish me luck) to do early draft edits of another novel I wrote called Red Angel while simultaneously doing mid/later draft edits of A Bond of Wildflowers. So I thought I'd send the prologue of Red Angel in to get a general feel. Red Angel is a fantasy novel in subgenre... well, tbd. I'd say it falls closest to political fantasy, but the protagonists don't have a lot of official/traditional political power. It also takes elements from epic fantasy, action, mystery, and romance. As for age group, the protags are late teens, but I'm not sure if I'd call it YA with how it's written. Questions for after reading (feel free not to answer all of these if there are some you don't have strong opinions on): 1. How do you feel about the setting? The cultures I'm taking inspiration from here aren't ones I belong to, and I'm still not fully confident on how to grapple with that if I want to work towards this book being publishable. 2. This might be difficult to answer now, but do you think this prologue is necessary? It's something I slapped on recently. 3. How do you feel about the characters here? S and Z are especially important, but opinions on N and J are also relevant. 4. Do you feel like this gives away too little about what's going on? Too much? 5. Any concerns you have for the main plot (i.e. "I really hope the story doesn't do X")? Any points of engagement you're expecting the main plot to follow up on? Thanks as always for your feedback!

As I go: pg 1. I think we get into the action more quickly here which is good. I still have my eye on the opening being so zoomed out but I don't think it would stop me from reading forward if I picked it up at a bookstore, especially since we get into the action so quickly pg 3. I'm picking up much stronger vibes of exploration/adventure already. I think this fits in well with the plane that we see later but I am expecting followup on this -I also like how it's just E and T here. Much easier to keep track of just them than them plus others pg 5. Good end to the scene. Only comment is that I want to see what's kicking off C's action here. Why climb the tree now? -I like how the teacher is associating broad with easy because I can see that she is dead wrong lol. The most open-ended assignments are always the hardest, but of course a teacher like her wouldn't admit that. pg 7. That book sounds like a lot of stuff I had to read in hs lol. I still occasionally think about how I was forced to read Heart of Darkness. *shudders* pg 8. I think the drawback of the curse as something that pushes C out to greater horizons with tree-climbing and exploration is that the wood stove feels less relevant. I'm finding myself less engaged here than the other parts, because the first section made me think the story was going to be about journeying into the cursed lands. pg 9. Still not totally clear about the dad's physical appearance, though the cue ball description helps a lot. Is he like totally round? Does he have to move by rolling? Does he still have limbs? If not, how can he move by himself at all? 1. I do like it better! It changes my reading of the larger story greatly to more focus on the world beyond the town, and I can't tell if that's where you want the story to go or not. 2. Moreso than before, yeah. Having her be active in the first scene does wonders, though I am hoping for more personality traits to come out later on. 3. I think so, though the wood stove and the curse still feel like two separate hooks to me and I get the feeling they're not supposed to. Maybe I'm the only one with this issue though. 4. As @Mandamon said, the motivations and the "why now?" could be clearer. The inciting incident is usually something that forces the protagonist into action, not them taking the initiative in a vacuum. It can feel a little too easy that way.

In the first draft B was more like the popular girl stereotype/expectation, actually (though she mostly ignored W). As soon as I took another look I realized how weak of a character she was and she went through a complete overhaul. Thanks for your comments!

I'll have a spot for Monday as well, please!

In case there was any doubt in your mind, I agree with the others about combining everything into one document. The Last Day: I'll be honest and say I tend to kinda read over cryptic stuff at the beginning of fantasy novels in general, so it's hard to capture my interest with this. And this wasn't quite there in hooking me. It's fine for it to be mysterious, but the best cryptic passages have something that's easy to latch onto to keep us engaged for the mystery. In this regard, I think it's ironically more important for this section to be concrete than anywhere else, and right now it's very abstract. No clue what's going on and not enough there for me within arm's reach to feel like I should really focus on this part. 59th of winter: I read this second because I assumed it was a date that came earlier. My main comment here is that I couldn't really get my bearings. Not in terms of what was physically happening (I understood that there was a fight with the guards), but why any of it was happening and the personality/motivation/hook/conflict of our friend T. I'm trying to find a way to word this in a way that's accurate since it wasn't bad by any means, but it was kinda hard for me to care when I really didn't understand why anything was happening. It felt like the action was a band-aid to cover up the fact that we don't get too much plot or character here. 60th of winter: Immediately I understand the conflict and stakes much better than in the previous sections. I strongly agree with the others that P and C don't seem 5 at all. I would have guessed like mid teens. The idea of sending literal five year olds off to kill their parent (and that the five year olds would come up with this idea and the adults agree to it) is a pretty big issue for me. Not in the moral sense, but it makes so little logical sense to me that I'm starting to question everything else I read and whether or not the people there are biologically similar to us at all. Also in this case I don't really care as much about the reason they're being charged. It's bs, I know it's bs, the kids know it's bs, the council knows it's bs. It's also not clear to me why they're letting the kids go along with it. I can't really see the kids doing anything other than fleeing the political jurisdiction of the council (leaving the state, country, wherever they are) and never coming back. If they want to hang the kids, they're not going to be swayed by anything the kids have to say.

Happy to check out this first chapter! I imagine many of the details in later chapters will start making more sense to me... Though my LbLs are written as if I'm going into this blind. As I go: pg 1. The first sentence feels like a fake-out, and I don't think that's a good first impression pg 2. I don't have a great read on Ir from here. So far she seems like any other restaurant worker pg 3. Okay now I'm curious if there are mundane hominids who get eaten by the other animals pg 4. Whoa the magic blurb here really catches my interest. This is the first thing about Ir that makes her stand out. Any chance it could come sooner? -also like how the war and BK are woven in casually -"Ir was always the last one to leave C's." Me right now in lab past 7 and probably staying here past 9 pg 5. I think some of the info in the bottom p is redundant. I think this can be cut down since we've already gotten some hints of it. Really we just need to know that BK won the war and is occupying the city. pg 6. Okay breaking "going into this blind" mode to say this really hurts (in a good way) pg 7. I want more focus on S and less on the parents. Trying to get a read on all three at once is hard -Just a thought but it might be more powerful if S' hatred develops over time instead of being so present here at the start. I'm already kinda writing her off as "yeah yeah belligerent revolutionary" pg 8. Something about S isn't capturing my interest here. Her anger is too abstract, I think. Nothing about it feels personal to her. Also exclamation mark police here to say that it's probably a sign her words don't have substance on their own. pg 9. Man S cannot just let it go huh? She seems like the exact same person as in Ch 39 and I like her as little now as I did then. -Also idk if this is worth addressing but it seems like we're talking about two extremes here (submission vs revolution) without addressing the middle ground at all (resistance). Throughout histories revolutions typically don't end well for the people, but resistance can and often does. What do the characters think of people causing enough trouble that BK has to give them more rights in return to get them to stop? pg 10. It feels like Ir and Se are trying to move the conversation but Sue is just not letting it happen. I didn't like Sue at the start and now I really don't. -Idk why the announcement is so surprising. Given how seriously they'e been taking her it seems like the natural outcome pg 11. Seems like the same points here rehashed for a third and fourth time. Also I'm going to be exclamation point police again and say that punctuation is part of the problem here. They're not saying anything different, just louder. If that's truly important it can be summarized because that's all we're really getting here Overall: 1. To be perfectly blunt, set down. I really don't like Sue here, which I think is my main problem since her politics are closer to mine than Ir's and Sej's in a lot of ways (though, like I said in the LBLs, I think resistance makes more sense than revolution. Loot some official buildings until BK decides it's easier to give them rights). I want to like her based on her views but she seems like a total a-hole and I'm honestly starting to wonder why she's even still in contact with the rest of the family. Like I said, I think she's a bit too similar to where she ends up. I can't see any real differences between Sue now and her in the final chapters I read. Though I think her main issue here is that everything she's fighting for is so abstract. The politics here make a lot of sense, but they have to be connected to real people or else I frankly won't really care. And if I don't care about what she's yelling about, she sounds like someone who stirs up conflict/drama for the sake of it. This could potentially be alleviated if she weren't the only character with a strong voice here, but Ir feels (wait for it) kinda passive here. I want a bit more from her. Restaurant worker does not really make her stand out on its own (though there are certainly interesting twists on it that are possible if you want to make it stand out), and the interesting notes we get like her magic ability is just a blurb. (Though as I'm typing this I realize this could be said about many of my characters... oh well) 2. Goals? For Sue, yeah. For Ir... yes with an asterisk. She wants to keep working with the restaurant business, but I really don't get her goals about family life in the same way that I did later on. It feels like her conflict with S is that she thinks S is wrong rather than her being worried that S is tearing apart the family. If anything the parents seem to be more active. Obstacles and Stakes are kinda grouped together for me, and this is one area where I think we need more for Ir. There is nothing threatening her restaurant life, so the plot doesn't really feel strong there. And I think the stakes of S joining the revolutionaries is lowered by the fact that she is just the worst. Like Ir is losing a sister but really is it much of a loss? ...Which I'm guessing is not how I'm supposed to feel. Again, this is especially notable for me since I agree with Sue's politics more than Ir's. 3. Not going to comment on this one since I know what happens

Good to know. Coming on heavy with the support talk is kinda E's thing but I'll see if I can find a way to have him be a little less elusive. Yeah I was worried about this when reading through the chapter but ran out of time to edit. B absolutely should come off as suspicious but I think it's hard to contextualize here since she's not super plot-relevant at this point. I'm glad! I ended up cutting a lot of these types of introspective moments from W since they weren't really adding much to the story, and I'm glad some of the ones I kept in are working. The first draft had more focus on how W is very orderly and was about her grappling with uncertainty. This is super helpful so thanks a ton! You're absolutely right and I think this is the first time he's mentioned as being bi. I was struggling to find a way to introduce this because I want it to be explicit but it's not really plot relevant since it's just who he is, but looking at it again there are absolutely better ways to do it than this. Yay! I was pretty nervous about this chapter so that's great to hear. I realized this after sending it out lol. Believe it or not I wasn't trying to break the fourth wall; I just hear people saying that on social media often enough that it's what I've internalized as teenager vocabulary. But yeah, I'm changing this. Couple of hours so maybe this is weird. Whoa do you not get carsick when you read? I'm jealous. This is good to know. This is a lot of the reason W is a bit cagey around him so I'll need to readjust some things if that reason doesn't hold up. Ding ding. Though E himself doesn't realize it (yet). I'm more concerned about W not realizing it since she does know aro people unlike E. My current thoughts are to make her think it reflects back on her due to her insecurity but I can fiddle with this. Good point! I think a lot of my stress editing was just typing stuff out even though it wasn't really going anywhere and seeing where the characters would take me. I think the buildup should be to finding stuff out, rather than it being a little blip in the middle of the chapter. Tell me about it lol. I do stress edit most of these chapters before subbing and Idk if it makes it better or worse. I'll give it another look with fresh eyes. Pretty much the whole chapter but the conversations with B and E in particular, if that helps (which I know is still like 75% of the chapter). Really good points! Adding what E thinks about it is a great idea and gives another dynamic for me to explore between him and W. Seriously, I think this comment is going to make this chapter a lot better. Funnily enough in the first draft this was what sparked the discussion. I think the last point is something I do want to run with. E is definitely the type of person to look for any avenue at all to fix the situation for someone who's hurting. Thanks a ton for the suggestion! This is good info to have! I'll try to weigh the costs and benefits there, and maybe repurpose the dialogue if necessary. Yep seems like this is one of the dynamics I should rework in general. Planning to add more info, more buildup, and more engagement on the issue from both E and W. Thanks so much for your feedback, everyone!

Hey hey guess who's even later than usual. Happy to take a look at this though! As I go: pg 1. Couple of thoughts. First is that I wonder if C thinking more about the curse brings it into reality and that's why everyone's trying to convince her it doesn't exist. Second is especially if I'm picking this up from a break I need some sort of narrative hook here. Starting on a routine makes it feel like this moment doesn't matter since it happens every week. pg 3. I think I need to know a bit more about why C is only thinking now that A left town. I assume it has something to do with V, but I need it to be a bit more explicit. pg 4. I feel like I'm supposed to believe V that there's something weird about the barn, but I don't see any reason to as of yet pg 5. Okay so T isn't trying to distract C from the curse since she admits something's up. Now I'm less sure why everyone else is denying the weird things going on. pg 6. I can see all the pieces in motion, but something isn't quite there for me. Like, I can tell that this town being isolated is a big deal and that the existence of a plane implies that things weren't always that way and that the horizons are broadened, but last chapter all the abnormalities were coming from the wood stove and this feels different so it doesn't have full impact for me. I think the story is shuffling between "this town is weird because nobody can leave" and "this town is weird because things appear in this creepy stove," and as long as the two aren't connected they don't carry each other's momentum. pg 7. One of my personal preferences in stories is for alternate PoVs to be introduced early into the story so that I know what I'm getting into, so this feels jarring. That being said, many people in this group have the opposite inclination and feel that jumping around early on before story can lay out why we should care about the MC is a turn off, so take that with a grain of salt. pg 8. Same comment as on pg. 6. I can clearly tell that this is supposed to be a hook into the next chapter and I can logically see why, but the engagement isn't quite there yet. I can tell you're really close but there's just something not clicking for me. Overall: Yes, yes, and no. No problems here. I touch on this in the line edits but I think my (and possibly others') comments are coming from the fact that the focus is jumping around a lot, even though it doesn't seem like it is. Everything is grouped under "curse" but what's happening now with the plane really does feel different from what was happening with the wood stove the past couple of chapters, which is why I think it feels like not much is happening to some readers. I think either the events can change or the framing can change, since I do believe that these are all connected and I just need to see why. Also, I found myself wanting the plot to interact with C's character more. Generally MCs have defined conflicts and goals, whereas C seems to mostly be going through regular life with some oddities happening. I think this can work if the story is super detached from C, but that doesn't seem like that's what it's going for to me. Good luck editing!

Sorry for the late sub, everyone (again lol). This is a chapter that I had a lot of trouble with, and I wrote and rewrote it from scratch multiple times with entirely different events. I'm debating cutting this chapter entirely, so if you're rushed don't worry too much about the LBLs. Aside from my usual questions that I'm still interested in (general engagement and feelings about the characters), I'm wondering what you think should be done with this chapter. Should it be cut entirely? Reworked again? Fine with a few tweaks? Cut down and combined with another chapter? If the answer is anything other than a few tweaks, what should I keep and what should I toss? Thanks as always!

I'll also take a slot for Monday, please.

Who's surprised that I'm late? Anybody? *crickets* As I go: pg 1: It really seems like neither of them are trying to deescalate in the slightest which I find a bit odd. Are they both 100% confident they can win? Because otherwise I feel like they should at least try to talk it out. pg 2: If they're fighting, I feel like they should get on with it instead of continuing to chat. If these interactions are important, it's pretty easy to have them happen before they decide to fight. pg 3: I'm not sure I buy B admitting he's basically a pirate unless he doesn't have the legal backing he claims. I feel like legally backed thug organizations like corrupt knights/police draw power from acting self-righteous. Also, same feelings as last page about how they shouldn't be talking after they already agreed to fight. -Okay I get why V was chatting but I really didn't get the impression that he was stalling earlier. I think he could definitely have more faux friendliness and try to distract B more before they agree to fight if he wants to buy time to ready the guns. pg 7: If killing all the guards puts them in danger, why not disarm and capture instead (B at least) so that the other ships won't fire? If V and S are as skilled as C thinks they are, it should be doable for them. If you want to continue the fight you could have the other ships eventually decide to accept collateral damage and fire knowing that some of their own will go down. pg 9: It's good that they're assessing the situation and letting us know that they're in danger, but to me this makes it even more confusing why they're approaching the battle the way they are. It seems odd they've survived this long if they engage in all-out battles whenever they meet any sort of resistance. It just doesn't feel sustainable to me. -Bro V I like you but you are not in a position to comment on lack of creativity right now pg 10: I really like that V is taking an approach besides straightforward fighting but anything involving exploding environmental stuff seems like it could go wrong very easily. I guess I just need it spelled out why they need to engage in such risky maneuvers since it seems like they didn't even try the obvious stuff (diplomacy, take a few shots to let them know it's not worth their effort and lives and then try to back away, ect.) pg 15: It seems like the main point of the fight was to force into the open how military-inclined V and the crew is. If that's the main deal here, I'd like to see the story hanging this on a lamppost earlier and cutting down some of the fight, since it seems like the aftermath is what really matters more here. pg 16: Exclamation mark police here reporting that they're overused in this page. One of my quirks is that I really don't like exclamation marks and I think they mask generic statements by trying to force them to be urgent/exciting, and I feel like the dialogue here fits into that category. pg 19: The hook here at the end is solid. We're starting to see C's past get involved here, which I think makes the narrative stronger when it's present and was missing throughout this chapter. Overall: I agree with everyone else on the questions. The combat was good, the fight as a whole could have been shorter, and I'm interested in V but want more from C. My main thoughts are questioning why both sides are acting the way they are in a way that makes me wonder about the worldbuilding. I feel like both government-backed guards and freelance(?) combat ships should really try to avoid these fights whenever possible since they're really good for nobody. I was wondering why they jumped straight to all-out battle, since that feels like a bad habit to get into and it didn't seem like there was any particular need. If I were B I'd try to feel these people out a bit and then let them go (and maybe track them) if it's clear that they're more dangerous than they seem. Not worth risking my life over. And after B and his crew get totally wiped I'd definitely be cautious about following them if I were on the other ships. There are potential reasons for why both sides could act this way, but I personally didn't see enough to make me feel like it was justified. Plus, C should know about the guards' habits, right? Why does he think they're risking all of their lives for something they really don't need to care about? I'm guessing you have the answers and I don't think they have to be too complicated. We just need a little more here and there to clarify motivations.

Hey hey I'm actually here early in the week. Time to see what I can do to (hopefully) help this story along As I go: pg 1: Are magical diamonds a known thing in this world? Context makes me think no but the way it's worded makes me think yes. pg 2: The idea of cultural conceptions of nonlinear time is super interesting to me. For the vast majority of (at least western) history, people didn't really think of time as linearly moving forward as much as we do now, and much more focus was on cycles. Idk if this is just a side note but it really caught my attention. pg 3: as others are saying, I don't think this fits YA at all. C is too young, and calling your parents for help when something weird shows up is not something a YA protag typically does. I think it was Snakenaps who said this feels more like middle-grade, and I agree. I know @shatteredsmooth (sorry to bug you) writes middle-grade, so maybe they can offer additional insight into the genre if they have the time. -okay the parents' reaction here has my attention. There's definitely something weird going on... pg 4: I like C taking some time to think about this. Knowing that she doesn't understand this world makes me more okay with not understanding it too. pg 5: V's supposed to come off as a kid about C's age and the way he talks is supposed to highlight an oddity about him, right? I'm pretty sure that's what's happening but I think it could be a little clearer. pg 6: Not sure whether to be amused by V or annoyed at him. I'm fine being in this limbo for now, though, and I'm watching his character closely. -Lol I didn't even think that V could be short for the last half of raven -so I guess most (presumably western) semi-modern cultural ideas like pirates with parrots are familiar to these people? Makes sense since they have TVs, but I feel like this defeats the feeling of them being cut off from the rest of the world. pg 7: I wonder if people who are close (I guess physically close) to C get smacked by the curse. I feel like the other kids would be even more distant from her than they are right now if that were the case, though. -seems like everyone knows more about the wood stove than C does, and she lives with it. What does she think of that? pg 8: Didn't we go through the "teachers have to teach multiple sections because there are like five students total" last submission? - I feel like a dum-dum for not knowing the hydrogen/water answer lol. Someone take away my science degree. Though I also don't know if "stuff" is the best way for the teacher to frame that... though I also guess he doesn't have to be a good chem teacher since he's the only one. Overall: 1. I think the pacing itself was fine. There was nothing that was boring to me, though unfortunately I can't say I was 100% hooked either. Because while the pacing was good, I'm still not sure I understand the point of everything going on. The main thing is that I'm not sure how to read V. Should I believe him when he says he's a hero from outside? Circumstances point towards him being part of the curse (especially with his physical appearance and powers), but there are enough references to "chosen one" stories that I'm wondering if I'm supposed to buy into that. 2. Nothing in particular. I think the issue is less that I don't understand X thing and more that there's not enough understanding in general to keep me hooked. Put another way, I'm fine with there being uncertainty in some areas, but I want there to be some clearer dynamics for me to follow in other areas. I think the story has to decide what that wants to be, and it could help to set up a conflict for C based around it. So far, V's arrival doesn't feel like a conflict so much as something that happened that C doesn't know what to make of. 3. Honestly, not really. I could see a version of this story where V is the hero and it follows C in more of a supportive role as they unravel the mysteries of the town. I could see another version where V is C's creation through the curse and she starts to spawn increasingly sinister creatures, which could either involve V turning on her or sticking at her side. I could see yet another version where V identifies C as the source of the curse and tries to kill her in a monster hunter sort of way and the story is about her scrambling to survive when everyone is against her. I think that covered most of what I wanted to say. There are no real glaring weakness of the chapter, which is great, but I think that unfortunately leaves you with the harder task of pushing it that extra bit in editing to take it from good to great. Best of luck!

@Snakenaps That sounds great! I'll email it to you right away. Thanks!

Okay, first round of edits are in (it's late here so I'll go back for more edits later probably and maybe respond to individual comments). Changes here almost entirely focus on reorienting W's character. The main issue I identified from the feedback is that her being very self-confident is causing a lot of issues. It's making her come off as unlikable, it's making the romance seem less engaging since she just seems uninterested, and it makes it unclear as to why she makes illogical decisions. So I decided to refocus this chapter around the dynamic of her thinking that she's really bad in social situations. She wants to make social connections, but doesn't know how and worries she'll hurt the people she's close to after how she acted around E. The text is more explicit that she does see something in N, but she rejects him because she knows it will cause tension between her and An and is terrified of losing her only friend since it's so hard for her to make new friends. I strayed away from this in the first draft because I didn't want her to wallow in self-pity or come across as pathetic, but I think it's necessary for her to acknowledge her vulnerabilities more even if it does risk moving into that territory. Also, the scene at the beginning is reoriented around her feeling empty with her normal life and recognizing that having no social life is making her obsess over her mom's condition. The ending is changed to focus more on E who will be at the coast and could lead W to more information about N. Thanks for your feedback, everyone!

I'm definitely late (lab work takes forever, turns out), but I still wanted to leave comments. Congrats on your first submission! If you're anything like me it was probably super nerve-wracking so congrats for going forward with it. As I go: pg 1: Immediately struck by distant narrator voice for YA since I normally see YA as usually being close narrators with snappy/witty comments (if not 1st person outright). But hey, that could be how you differentiate yourself. I'll just say that a distant 3rd voice talking about a kid makes me think this will be literary more than YA. Though I also don't read that widely in YA so that could just be me. pg 2: What about E makes his demeanor surprising? pg 3: Careful with dialogue tags. Whenever it's something other than "said" or "asked" I personally find that it distracts me from what's actually being said, which is almost always more important. pg 4: Right now it's hard for me to keep track of all the characters' personalities, especially if this is going to be YA which I normally like to have less of a learning curve. Do all of these kids really matter right now? If so, I need it to be clearer why. pg 5: Here I'm more engaged because I only need to focus on C and Ms. F, so I'm able to slip into the rhythm more smoothly. I will say that the lack of scene breaks kinda makes it feel like I never get a breather, though (I bet it's shocking that I like scene breaks after the chapter of mine you read ). pg 6: I'm wondering at this point what the time period is. The atmosphere and tone makes me think old-timey, plus how essays are written on paper (I shiver at the thought of going back to that). -nitpick but wouldn't she know the people in the "back row" pretty well if there are like five of them total? I think she'd be able to pick out who it was. pg 7: Does the teacher have it out for C specifically? I can't really see why since the other are presented as being more troublemakers than she is. pg 8: The fact that C thinks she might be named after a wood stove raises some serious questions about her parents. I want to know more but I'm not sure if that's intentional. pg 10: How literally am I supposed to take the description of her dad? Because it really threw me for a loop. -Is that a scene break in the middle-bottom of the page where there's an empty line? Normally there'd be some indicator besides an empty line I think pg 12: Huh so is C the person connected to the curse/stove? Overall: 1. I like her, but I don't think she carries the story for me. She's who I expect a protagonist of a story like this to be. Perceptive, kind of a loner, constantly ignored. She as a person wasn't my main focus but I'm not sure she needs to be. 2. Took me a while to get a feeling for when it was. I was expecting further back in the past, so the TV threw me for a loop. Besides that, I want the oddities to be a bit clearer from the start. Right now it feels like we get the promise of a curse, but a lot of focus on that was about not leaving. That's what I was focused on, so when the changed essay/haircut came up it didn't really feel like a follow-on to that. 3. Hmm I probably wouldn't read on, honestly. I think part of that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my own taste. Books with an old-timey feel aren't really my thing. But that part of it seems crucial for setting the tone/atmosphere, which I think are the story's main strengths, so I can't say I recommend changing that either. What I will comment on is what other people mentioned with the lack of an arc and lack of chapters. For me, the two are definitely factors in not being fully hooked, and are compounded with each other. The lack of an arc means I'm never really sure what the point of each scene is, and I'm also never sure where each scene really starts and ends so I expect the momentum to carry from one situation to another and it often doesn't. What I'm really looking for from the first 10-20 pages is for the story to tell me how it wants me to read it. And right now, I'm not sure. Is it about curses, C not fitting in with other kids, her struggling with school, or the weird changes going on? I do believe there's a connecting thread here but I want it to be clearer. Thanks for the submission! I know you already edited but hopefully this was still helpful.

Hi, everyone! Sorry for the late submission. No tags on this one I think. I'm back picking up where we left off two weeks ago with a bit of a shorter chapter this time. Edits on the last chapter put more of a focus on W's feelings towards the flower and N as a whole. I also tried to make W more mature in how she thinks about her past relationship and tried to make N and An in particular less annoying. Usual questions: 1. Where is your engagement (if any) coming from, and is there anything that breaks your engagement? How are your engagement levels overall? 2. How do you feel about the characters this chapter?