Appol PhD

Hi all, Thanks for your feedback last time! I think the beginning of this story is going to require a big rewrite to fit the plot and tone of the later parts better, especially where the magic plot is concerned, and I'll be curious to hear if that sentiment stays with these coming chapters. Questions after reading: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? 3. As you may have noticed by now, the magic is a little wishy-washy. And spoiler alert: it's more or less going to stay that way (thus not a ton of new info about it even when the characters directly talk about it). This was my attempt to write a soft magic system and it's clear that something isn't working. I'm wondering if people think I should try to better convey that it's supposed to be a soft magic system from early on, if I should establish more rules and make it a hard magic system, or if I should do something else entirely. 4. On W, I'm still thinking about how she's in my mind pretty clearly not neurotypical. After reading your helpful feedback on this and thinking on my own I do want to delve into more of the context behind some of what's going on with her in revision (and I do mean delve into it, not write it off as being neurodivergent and washing my hands of it). I'm wondering if people think it would be interesting for me to focus on her rejection sensitivity (ADHD), her difficulty with social situations in general (mild autism), both, no preference, different angle, ect.

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please! ...And I do plan on getting to this week's critiques soon

Hi everyone, I was able to cut a decent amount from this chapter and do a lot of editing on W's character to make her less frustrating to read about (even if she's still unlikable I promise she was so much worse in the first draft). Also, I think in terms of word count this is about the halfway point of the story. Thanks for sticking with me for this long! Questions: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? 3. We get some hints about the external conflict here but from previous critiques I'm assuming it's too little too late. So about the external plot with magic communities: what do you want to know now, what do you want to know earlier, and what do you feel okay not knowing at this point? 4. How does the romance come across? I'm trying to hit the balance of realistically awkward for our inexperienced teenage protags but not too awkward from a reader perspective.

I'll take a slot for tomorrow as well, please. The next chapter is a monster and I'm going to try to do a lot of trimming, so I might have to put it out tomorrow evening.

As I go: pg 1. Oh we have a little pyromaniac on our hands. Let's see where this goes. pg 2. This is really good but I think it could use more setup. She was always selfish and scheming but I didn't imagine her as being the type of person to burn everything to the ground, especially when she might have to deal with the consequences pg 3. The medicine thing is a good note and I think it has a lot of potential as a conflict source... though how much of that is just me personally being on like five separate very important medications and constantly worrying about not being able to afford them in the future (yep, I'm American...) is up for debate. pg 5. Man, this is getting real. Even if D goes along with it, she has leverage in case E tries to weasel out of his side of the deal pg 7. Yay E gets character development! Though it does feel a little like a 180 turn. I feel like deep down, this shouldn't be a surprise to him. pg 8. I'm half wondering if this is another one of her ploys, and also half hoping that C just leaves her. -Oh cool realization that ashen things can't burn. But I feel like it should have taken some deliberation 1. Nope! Though again I was expecting them to have left town by now and this all feels like distractions. I think this is what V's conversation with C about how she should leave them all behind was trying to foreshadow, but I didn't quite get that. 2. Mostly! I think we need a bit more on G-M, what she's trying to accomplish, and why.

Hi! I don't know if it's an issue on my end but I never got the email with the chapter and I was curious if others are having this problem. If it is just me I'm happy to DM you my email so you can resend it. Thanks!

There's some violence in a game that's being played within the chapter but I don't know if that counts for a tag Hi everyone, Thanks for your feedback last time! I know I was missing for a while, but I did read everyone's responses. I think the main thing I'll focus on in revisions is clarifying that W is at her core not trying to say "Go away I don't want your support" and more trying to say "I don't know if I can handle a serious relationship right now with everything else going on." Which is why the cultural differences around dating matter. Now, onto chapter 10! This is the chapter that out of all of them gave me the most trouble in self-revision out of all of them. Turns out, writing about people playing d&d with nothing else going on is... really boring. I heavily trimmed and rewrote in an attempt to focus in on the fun stuff and parts relevant to the characters' arcs, and I'll be interested to hear if that makes the chapter engaging. Questions (usual plus a couple): 1. Points of engagement, non-engagement, and/or confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters here? 3. Does this chapter's existence feel justified to you? In the first draft it really wasn't and I'm curious if my changes solved that or if it still has the same core problems 4. The more I read feedback and look at the story myself the more convinced I am that, as currently written, W has undiagnosed ADHD and associated hypersensitivity to rejection that explains a lot of why she comes off as irrational and unrelatable to many readers. Any advice on what I should do about this? I could try and rewrite her as neurotypical but that does drastically change pretty much everything about the story and eliminates a lot of her conflict. Or I could lean into her explicitly having ADHD but that is also kinda what I'm already doing with a separate paranormal romance novel I'm writing. Any thoughts on the matter are helpful, even if you don't have much experience with ADHD!

After a few weeks of absence I am (tentatively) back. Since there's plenty of space, I'll take a spot with the caveat that I haven't looked at the chapter I plan to submit, so if it needs more editing than I realize I might bow out. Again, I'm going to assume this is okay because we have plenty of space.

As I go: pg 1. I know it's unsafe regardless, but I feel like the key factor is to drive really slow with someone in the back of a pickup (not that I know anything about cars) pg 2. Ah that makes sense, no slower. I feel like this should have been on her mind from the start though. I think it would be intuitive even for a kid with no driving experience. pg 3. Hmm this feels rather sudden. And a big shift of who he was before, though I also didn't get a great read on him before as I'm sure you're tired of hearing pg 4. This is a cool thematic thread with V wondering how much the stuff created by the wood stove can be classified as real life... but it kinda comes out of nowhere for me pg 5. At this point I'm starting to feel like this is distracting from the arcs the story has set up. Escaping the town and journeying into the world beyond is interesting. This just feels like it's getting in the way. 1. Like what others were saying, nothing's boring but it does drag on when we've been told the main plot is about them escaping town 2. Everyone else, yes. See below for V. 3. To be honest, it doesn't. And I think what's here is generally fine, but the setup isn't there for me. I think I'd like to see more of the following (not all of it is strictly necessary ofc but I hope it helps to think about it). -Motivation. This is a big one. V wants to be a hero, but that doesn't really interact with the story in a way that's clear to me. The good news is that this chapter is the great development of a currently nonexistent arc that you can go back and start in previous chapters: to have V's motivation be to figure out how real he is, and how to prove that he's real. It's a common enough trope for sci-fi androids but I don't think it's a bad one, and the setting puts a different spin on it. -Plans/Goals. He has motivations; now how is he going to follow through with them? I personally think that there's a straightforward answer, but it does get into the realm of prescriptive advice. So here it is: I think V's main short-term goal early in the story should be to figure out how the Wood Stove works. C is the one interested in it but V should have more at stake since he was literally created by it. We also need to understand why his goal is to get into the Ashen house. Like... what does that accomplish for him? If he's not real anyway, why does it matter? -Skills. V can fly which is cool, but other than that he doesn't really seem to have a thing that he excels at and a role he fills within the team. Flying could be this, but if so I think it needs to be a tool used to solve more of the story's problems. And you might ask, why does this matter? After all, G-M, T, and E doesn't have super defined skills and I'm fine with them. For me, it's because losing V should feel like a big blow to the plan. If he can do something that C is relying on and vanishes right when he's needed... that hurts. Right now it doesn't as much. -Dynamics. Often, I forget V is there because nobody interacts with him other than C for the most part. If V's going to be important (and this chapter makes it seem that way), I don't think that's enough. G-M, T, and E all have views on each other even though they're minor characters, but V has nothing with anybody other than C. And there's so much potential here. He's a literal person created by the wood stove. Does that make him a tool in the eyes of some people? Is it a sign of what they fear? Do the other kids mistrust him while they plan to escape the wood stove's influence since he was created by it? Do some people want to confide in him since it's such a small town and it's hard to find friends and allies? The possibilities are endless.

As I go: pg 1. I'd like to see a hint of intention behind C's actions here (not that you have to spill anything). Right now I don't see a reason for her to be doing this, and the story so much as saying that there is a reason C isn't saying out loud would help -Also why is T here? pg 2. This feels contrived unless I know why T is here. Though it's been a while, so maybe I just forgot what was going on at the end of the last chapters. pg 4. So the device auto-steers? That feels much more modern/futuristic than what I was imagining for the setting. Which is cool, but I feel like we could use a few more hints about that if it's intentional pg 5. Hmm the way C talks about the paste makes me think it's magic. I mean, it's not like glue makes things invisible. So is the screen magic too? I don't think you need to spill all of the secrets of the setting but I think I need a bit more direction here -Not sure how much Ashen equates to magic pg 6. This is really good because it shows what the future will be for these kids if they stay, which makes their current mission more urgent pg 7. I like how the accusations of impropriety come before the legality. Shows you how this guy thinks pg 10. Took me a while to figure out whose PoV it is pg 11. Strong tension here pg 12. C being explicit about her thoughts on the fan is helpful for me. I now understand what I should and shouldn't know 1. Nope! 2. Yep. I like E with his dad more than with C. There's a lot more going on with him when he's not just refusing to engage with what's going on. C is really coming into her own as someone who needs to coordinate this big thing, and T is made more interesting by the fan. Again, my only real question is why C thinks it's better to bring T along and have her misread the situation with the adults instead of having her hide somewhere. I think the pieces are coming together rather nicely. What these chapters really show me is that the parts before this could use some trimming since *this* is where it starts getting real and it would be good to get here asap.

As I go: pg 1. The "I don't have a driver's license" feels out of place. It's not like the town even has or needs the infrastructure to give out that kind of certification, right? pg 2. It really doesn't seem desperate enough for them to risk it all right now. Can't they gather more info first? pg 4. This bitterness from C feels new and I like it pg 6. Yeesh V is being harsh. Not really sure where this is coming from pg 7. Don't want to keep hammering the same points every week but I'm still not really sure what V's deal is so when he flies off I'm just like "huh, bye I guess." pg 8. Not sure we need to see all of this in scene. I can feel my attention wandering with all of the car stuff. pg 10-11. Yikes E that's a really awful thing to say about C not having a family. Also he comes across as being a little flat here -Is there a need to run away now? I really don't see why they can't do some test drives and gather more information while they iron out their plan 1. Not really. Pretty smooth 2. More or less. I continue to not have a great read on V and E seems to naive at some points and too articulate at others, but I really like C here. 3. I think my main issue is that I don't see the pressure C feels. It seems like C's operating under the assumption that they need to act quickly, and I think it's important to establish why. Presumably the biggest worry is the adults catching them and keeping them captive to make more sacrifices. How long does C think they have? Also spelling out what C thinks the parents will do raises the stakes. The whole thing with E asking his parents feels a bit off because of this. C seems to be thinking what they'll do is just say no, but if that's the case and the adults won't take any more action then there's really no pressure to act here. If I understand why C needs to go now then I'm on board for her to try it.

Mild swearing in this one. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last week! I know I haven't responded, but I'm reading over all of your critiques and appreciating your feedback. I'll make sure to cut out some of the remaining fluff when I go back for my next round of edits. Usual questions: 1. What (if anything) is engaging you? Are you engaged in general? 2. How do you feel about the characters?

I'd like a slot too, please!

Hi, everyone! Hope any fellow Americans had a good 4th of July! This was a monster of a chapter, but I cut off 1.5k words of fluff. Hopefully it reads better now! Usual questions: 1. What (if anything) is engaging you? Are you engaged in general? 2. How do you feel about the characters?

I'll have a spot for Monday too, please!

Oh boy we got a long one! And for once it's not me. pg 1. Wait so does the mayor not even consider that C might have said no to other C and might not still be in the house? That's my best reading but it seems odd -also why is GM an issue beyond running away? She did give something to the wood stove, right? pg. 2. Okay this is dumb but if the town never changes and has been there since time immemorial then why are there like TVs and stuff? -wow I hate how the mayor talks about his wife (as in I hate him not I hate the writing; the paragraph is great). I hope this dude gets clonked on the head real hard pg 3. Is that what happened to GM? That she did it wrong? Does that mean the sacrifice was wasted or simply wasn't enough and more can be added onto it? pg 4. I am now hoping he gets clonked hard on the head twice. Leave E alone! >:( pg 7. Every time V shows up I feel like I kinda forgot like he existed. I'm still waiting for a bit more from him. pg 8. ...And because of this, C feeling betrayed at what V did doesn't really mean anything to me. pg 9. Come to think of it, has V even done anything to be warranted this trust C is giving him? pg 10-11. Think this can be condensed a bit pg 13. Do they know what happens if they don't burn something in the wood stove? pg 14. At this point I'm hoping for more motion pg 15-18. The ending line is good, but other than that I'm not getting a ton from T's PoV. Overall: 1. Not confusing, and not really boring, but the later parts get a bit slow. For it to not feel slow, it needs to feel like the kids are making progress with their plans. For the most part, they don't until V has an epiphany at the end, prompted by who knows what. So as a result, it feels like the last 8 pages weren't super important and also that V can come up with solutions a little too easily. 2. Yeah everything's good here. I like that V is taking charge and doing something plot-relevant, but he feels both too mysterious and not distinct enough (which I think go hand in hand) for me to get a good read on him. He's supposed to be a hero and protect the kids, but... why? We keep dancing around the fact and not making a lot of progress. That being said, I was engaged throughout both the chapters. Good luck with revisions and going forward!

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone (and I'll try to get my critiques for everyone's stuff done by tonight). I have a lot of good feedback on two different versions, so I think it's time to plow ahead and revisit this tricky chapter a little later. Aha so I wasn't able to slip this past you. Truth be told, I wrote my early drafts with a clear intention to avoid all self-pity, which I think is part of why she came across as arrogant and uninterested to many readers. I switched to more vulnerability in revisions and it's good to know that this is the point where it goes too far.

Hey everyone, and sorry for the absence. Had a great time visiting family and now I'm back to work. I rewrote 80% of chapter 7 from scratch since it was clear that the middle part was lagging, and I decided to send it through again. Questions for after reading: 1. If you can remember the previous sub (no worries if not since it was a month ago lol), is this one better? Does it address the weak spots of the previous draft? 2. How do you feel about the characters? I've been trying to make W more likable in general.

All right finished the rewrites on what I wanted to do. @Silk is it okay if I send a sub out tomorrow after proofreading with fresh eyes? No worries if that's not enough notice, though.

I'm going to try to pull something together tonight for critiquing. If I do finish, is it okay if I slip in and submit as well? Thank you to everyone who has critiqued so far despite my inconsistent subs!

I'm back after going on vacation for a few weeks! I skimmed over the last couple of subs to catch myself up, and I really enjoyed them. As I go: Pg 2. Hmm I'm a bit worried about T losing her insight. It already gets a bit old after the second time and I'm worried that it will stall the story. Pg 3. Did T burn her insight to force herself not to think about larger issues? That's a more interesting focus point than her not catching cues. Could she have just burned something like her imagination instead? pg 7. I think the focus should be more on "pathetic" and less on "victim" when GM is talking about M. Because M shouldn't be excused of who she chose to become, especially not by her kid who she has a lot of power over as a parent. pg 9. G-M herself seems like the pathetic one here. Is she supposed to be a real antagonist in the story? If so, I think she really needs to step up her game. pg 10. The characters themselves are acknowledging this but nobody really has a plan and they're getting nowhere. It feels realistic but at the same time I think more needs to be happening right now. No and yes. I agree with @C_Vallion that this doesn't quite carry the momentum of previous chapters, and I think for me it's that the main thing that happens here is G-M getting thrown out, which is a very noncomittal change. Who's to say that she won't show up in T's house and have this exact argument with C tomorrow morning? C meeting other C last chapter is something that will stick with her for the rest of the story, but this feels less consequential. Imo either something permanent needs to change between G-M and C, or there needs to be a different large shift in the chapter. Still, I'm engaged at this point! The fact that the people have to give up a part of themselves to the wood stove is a really good touch. I've been thinking about what I might give up if I were in that situation... which is a good sign that the story has really gripped me.

Yep, she knows her mom is sick but doesn't know with what and her parents specifically told her it wasn't the cancer coming back. Hmm while I think it's fine if this is obvious from a meta perspective (Chekhov's Gun and all that), I definitely didn't want to make it seem like W should have easily been able to recognize it... or maybe I can play with that and have her be forcibly denying it to herself until N points it out. Anyone else who happens to be reading this, did you have similar thoughts that W should have figured this out a long time ago?

As I go: pg 1. I mentioned this before in At's chapter, but as a new reader seeing At have to work around getting bothered by her partner (wife? I don't remember if they're married) just for doing her (very important) job gives me a bad first impression of E. pg 2. I like that we're getting some time to see S shine on her own pg 3. From At's chapter we know that they're close to Ard itself and not P, right? Does S have any idea why it says they're close to P? pg 4. Ohhhh they're in the other plane aren't they? pg 5. If P was that important then I'm wondering why we didn't see more fallout from it getting blown up. Other plants like the one O landed on must be scrambling to readjust their economies, right? -The fact that S can't contact At or E makes me more confident about my hypotheses of them being in the beta plane pg 9. Start of the page here is where I feel like we need some more motion pg 10. How normal is the "register or get blown up" thing? pg 12. And how common is knowledge about the beta plane? If S and the crew have heard as much as we have about it, I feel like they should have picked up on what's going on by now. pg 14. Not usually a description person but the bit we get here makes me wish we had more scattered before. I'm able to picture what's going on much better now pg 16. Do they have any idea who the ship is from? I mean if it got registered then I would assume those people don't want to hunt it down pg 17. This chapter has already been pretty demanding so far, which is good but by the time we get to this new mysterious person I feel fatigued and not really prepared to engage with what's going on I agree with @RedBlue that there's not a ton of repeat info, and that most of what we get is good. As for cuts, I think pgs 7-12 felt the most stagnant to me. While it's natural for them to ask what's going on with P, I think we can pretty quickly jump to the fact that Earth and Ard are named something different / Ard maybe doesn't exist? Which can lead to the beta plane realization. Like I mentioned at the end of the LbLs, figuring out they're in the beta plane is enough information for a whole chapter, really. The last few pages introduce a lot of rapid-fire dynamics that I personally would have been better able to handle if they happened at the beginning of S' next chapter instead of shifting things at the end. Imo ending with the beta plane realization is a stronger ending than crash landing on the planet.

Looking forward to reading this! As I go: pg 1. I like that C identifies the lie as a lie, but it means there's still no consequences so far. Honestly I think there should be something established early on for why she can't ask adults, and that somehow gets broken and lets her ask S -I'm spitballing here but one idea is that it's clear from the start that adults won't answer questions, but can be made to confirm guesses. So C knows from the start that she can't ask them until she figures out a bit more about what's going on. pg 2. Neglecting their work? That's what piques my interest and I'm surprised C doesn't ask for more information on that part as well. pg 3. The first line of chapter 10 is me in grad school. Ten years apart from C and in the exact same position (and I'm only half joking) -are the adults that manipulative? So far we've really only seen it from G-M and I'm surprised C seems to accept it as a way of life. pg 4. In the second half of the page I got confused as to who was talking pg 5. You and me both with the reflexive apologies, C pg 6. I feel like C should be skeptical of more manipulation given G-M's track record pg 8. I like the ending here Overall: I agree with everyone else that this is really solid. Which means it's time for me to nitpick and try to take it from good to great. 1. Yes and... somewhat. Looking at other responses it seems like I'm a stickler on this but I do still want a clearer reason C couldn't have asked this before. 2. Nope! 3. For the most part, yeah. My only point of confusion is it feels like we're supposed to trust GM here since the story doesn't make anything she does seem suspicious, but it also seems like based on her character she should be up to something. As an aside, I think right now the story would read the same without V and his character doesn't feel as fleshed out compared to C or GM. I often forget that he even exists. This isn't a bad thing necessarily but considering how prominent he's been so far I'm expecting a bit more from him. 4. I don't trust her. Honestly the "I hate you" is the only thing that makes me trust her a little bit, since her honesty here seems to indicate that she's at a loss.

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! Sounds like the resounding feedback is to take a look at the first ten pages, find a central focus, cut out the excess, and streamline the dialogue so it feels natural. I'll get to work on it.