Appol PhD

I'll also have a spot for the 31st as well if there's room! I notice that we have new readers so if they wanted to submit something and it would put us over 5 I'd be happy to sit out.

All right time to get into it! As I go: pg 1-3. Whenever I see a glossary of character names and affiliations, I have two reactions: 1. Glad this is here! 2. ...This is going to be hard for me to follow, isn't it? -Idk how set in stone these characters are but since nb seems fairly common here I'm curious if there's a reason why all nbs seem to use they/them exclusively. I'm guessing it's so that you dont' have to deal with the confusion of switching pronouns with an already large cast, but if you wanted you could have chars who mostly get called one pronoun who do use others. -I'm also thinking about the one binary trans character. I think it's probably okay but I am thinking if there's a better way to represent it, since 1. it can be a source of annoyance when being trans is highlighted as a thing but being cis isn't and 2. labelling every other binary character as cis might just clutter up the page. No real suggestion here; just sharing my thoughts. pg 4. I want the first line/paragraph to draw me into the story's dynamic. Right now it feels like it's mostly setting the scene and it's hard to be engaged. pg 5. I'm already on team A. More funny names for stars/planets please -I'm curious if the protocol is supposed to seem super restrictive in a bad way or if it's supposed to be innocuous. So much sci-fi I see is dystopian that I'm always looking out for that at the start of stories. pg 6. At this point I feel like I need a bit more clarity about what I'm supposed to be tracking pg 7. Generational punishments seems pretty dystopian! ...It feels like this isn't the main point but I also can't really tell what the main point is right now pg 8. I don't really understand the significance of the lifeform. Part of me thinks I'm not supposed to, but in that case I think we spend too much time on it unless it's a constant lurking mystery type of thing pg 10. As I understand it, the emotional dynamic here is that A is afraid to live on a planet and that living with constant gravity seems like a nightmare? I think I need more of this throughout the earlier pages. pg 11-13. Okay I'm engaged here! This gives me a fun dynamic that feels distinct and a clearer idea of what's going on. Overall: Part of me wonders how useful my thoughts are going to be since I feel like a lot of the constructive feedback I bring up is true for a good deal of the sci-fi I pick up, so maybe it's a personal thing rather than issues with the story. With that preface out of the way... Would I keep reading? If I were able to get to the part where J wakes up, then yes. As of now, I'm not sure I do. I don't think I really "get" the part with A and the lifeform. I generally understand what's happening, but I had a hard time picking up the narrative dynamics and finding points of engagement. I tend to get bogged down in sci-fi and I don't always see strong emotional dynamics that get me invested in the characters or story, and that's how I feel about the first few scenes. Funny names for the planets is fun, but I don't really see how the actions here fit together to form the kind of story I'm engaged by. The part with J is a good hook for me. Honestly I think I understood it well enough on its own and some dynamics with A really only made sense to me after J's section. That being said I still don't get the feeling that the story has really gotten rolling yet. I'm hooked by the end, but cautious since I don't see promises of motion yet.

Oh this doesn't really have much to do with anything but funnily enough I wrote multiple drafts without realizing that Z has ADHD. After I got diagnosed, I looked back and was like "...huh."

Ooh more feedback! Thanks everyone! This is super helpful; thanks! I really appreciate having this inside perspective (though of course I understand that I need to get a broader view of the community too!). I think my pitfall here is that I did research on the condition itself, but I haven't learned from intersex spaces since that's not really how I've been taught to do learn. So a lot of the pitfalls I was told to avoid from articles written about intersex issues were... very very obvious and didn't cover stuff like this, since they were probably written for people who don't really understand what intersex even is. I'm glad you mention the trans thing. How do I make it clear that trans issues aren't present without, well, bringing up those trans issues with regards to S being intersex? My worry was that if I just ignore it but everyone sees him as having female body characteristics, he'll come across as trans rather than intersex. Most of S' "queer people not fitting into society" stuff is around the other ways he's queer. I assume that's fine so long as I'm clear with drawing the lines? From his perspective being intersex highlights biological and racial traits... which maybe there are still issues with, idk. To some extent though I think there is an element in the story of "people of all types who don't fit in need to band together" and that's not something I want to compromise. I hope that if I'm better at drawing those lines between intersex and (other) queer it won't be an issue to have him feel like a part of this band of misfits? I'm also guessing that I should shift more towards "people should be precise when talking about this even if that wouldn't be usual for people in this culture?" I was already trying to lean that direction and it sounds like I need to go further? This matches up with what I've heard from other readers as well. My current plan is to focus more on him finding RA in this chapter--that is, have them actually make an appearance--and save the family stuff for S' next chapter since that's when he actually talks to Z's partner. Thanks a ton for your thoughts!

Thanks for the feedback @kais @Mandamon! I could feel that something wasn't clicking this chapter and this helped me identify more of why. Yeah, I think this is the key. Especially since Z is specifically *not* focusing her story around rescuing her partner, and I wanted the brother to be important but no real progress was made on that front. I think the next Z chapter is a little more focused but I'll have to see if that's also not enough. There's a big event concerning the brother's death a couple more chapters in with Z so maybe it makes more sense to start there for Z. This is something I see from time to time and I've never really quite understood the rationale behind, so I'm wondering if you'd be able to talk more about this. Is is really more accurate if they sound generically 18th/19th/20th century instead of generically 21st century? Or is the issue period-specific slang? I don't really consider words like "badass" to fall under that category, though maybe that's just me being a zoomer lol. I definitely understand why you wouldn't include stuff like modern internet slang but I need more help understanding why something like this is off-putting. Thanks again!

Hi everyone, Me again with the next chapter of Red Angel, and a new PoV character. Hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! Questions for after reading: 1. Points of interest/engagement? Positive qualities? 2. What's not working for you or is confusing? 3. How are the characters coming across? 4. Reading this over I don't feel like the story knows as much about what to do with Z at the beginning as it does with S. How do you feel about her role in the story? Any suggestions?

I'll have a slot for this Monday, please!

Glad to hear this because this is actually exactly what I want. The issue I'm running into is that a lot of what's normal in the setting that's associated with Islam (veils, polygyny, ect.) didn't originate with Islam in Arabia, and make a lot of sense for a culture set in a desert. I do think there are probably a few too many details in there that I based off Islam though and I can try to trim those back. The main thing I'm wondering is if having this culture be monotheistic at all is the right choice. My rationale for that is otherwise the world ends up with a sort of "each race is so different from the others and has their own god" which was the original historical setup of the world and is kinda a tired trope in fantasy. Hmm... I'll be sure to do more thinking on this front. Even if I do keep it monotheistic the whole setup of the religion may be too close to Islam, too. With FC being a great prophet figure like you inferred. I'm wondering if calling out "angels" is hurting this as well since as I understand it they're mostly associated with abrahamic religions. I wonder if there's a better way to frame "divine messenger" in a way that still gives the same weight. Kind of, but iirc it's mostly religion from a historical lens rather than a theological one. So yeah maybe it makes sense to shift further away. I think my issue is that I'm so used to the framework of abrahamic religions that it's hard not to default to (my incomplete idea of) that. I'd be happy to hear any more comments as we go along! Oh really! Yep I looked it up and you're right there. I think vipers might be what he's looking for. This comment highlights that I maybe need more meat here because the truth is that currently S has no idea what it signifies. He (kinda) has opinions about what the angel represents in the abstract but doesn't know what to make of one appearing right in front of him now. But it makes sense for this to be where the story develops, not the stuff at the end that there's no context for. Hmm I can definitely see why this is coming across this way and I do kind of agree about the multiple chapters thing. Z is the other PoV character so just seeing her first probably helps tbh. I'll think this over. I think this ties in well to what you were saying about needing more from the angel since I'd need a new thread to end this on anyways. Thanks for your thoughts! This is one of the things I was wondering if it would be unclear. The crystal provides a protective aura that nullifies all psychic powers, but if it's physically covered then the aura disappeared and psychic powers such as telepathy can work on the person. Intersex and trans, yeah. Specifically, the characters don't know this (S doesn't and some of the scholar types know a little bit), but to have the coloring someone has to have 2 or more X chromosomes. This is a good idea. There's a telepath in the next chapter (I might bump the talk with J back so can't count on that) so that can carry through. I think the main point the story wanted to convey here was that S being an empath is rare rather than the standard (as one might assume if that's the first one they're shown), but I think I can convey that without mentioning telepaths. Good to hear! I'll do another pass on them. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone!

Additional content warning for fantasy derogatory racial terms and queerphobia Hi everyone! Red Angel is a epic/political fantasy novel that I've been sitting on and making minor tweaks to for a couple years now. Don't want to color your view too much more than that so that the text speaks for itself. Note: I think I find prescriptive feedback/ideas brainstorming to be pretty helpful, so feel free to go in that direction even though that's generally not what we do here. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of interest/engagement? Positive qualities? 2. What's confusing here? I'm expecting there to be quite a bit since I tried to keep exposition at a minimum. 3. If you were in charge of rewriting this chapter, what would you do and why? (even answers like "idk what I would do since I'm not sure what this is going for" or "here's what I would do even though it's really different from what I think you want" are still helpful) 4. *Long question incoming* How do you feel about the setting? Right now I see it as "exactly far enough away from fantasy Islamic Arabia to attempt some sort of plausible deniability" and there are multiple details here that would be VERY out of place culturally in typical historical Islamic Arabia (such as normalization of alcohol, relative lack of gender segregation, ect; though of course there was variance over time). I'm not sure if this is doing the story any favors and I'm looking for advice about what to do with the culture (whether it should be closer to historical Arabia, further away, ect.). Also you can probably guess this from my name but I don't belong to the groups of people I'm talking about here, which I know contextualizes how I need to approach this. Thanks!

I'd also like a spot for tomorrow!

Since this is the second version of an earlier sub I missed, I'm going to jump into this one. As I go: pg 1. Great opening line! -How long has it been since she's met her gf? 14 was the only age we were given so I'll need help seeing them as anything super different from that. pg 2. The way we jump from narration into scene makes me confused as to where exactly we are -A's line about work feels generic to me, and even though that seems to be somewhat intentional it's hard for me to get a real read on her. The concept has hooked me but the characters have not so far -Similar note about the book writing. It's definitely more revealing, but we already know she's into girls, steamy romance lit, and probably history too from the train, so this isn't really telling me much I don't know. Imo in a short story format characters need to have striking qualities revealed about them pretty quickly pg 3. I like the taking pieces thing! -I'd like to see more about why J is having such a hard time proposing. Again I think my hangup isn't with lack of sense; it's that it makes too much sense. The fact that almost anyone would be nervous in her situation means that I don't find her challenge here to feel distinct or personal to her pg 4. I feel like there's gotta be a way to tactfully ask about why she wants to keep train pieces. I feel like I'm supposed to believe that these people are very connected with each other but their communication difficulty has me... not exactly worried, per se, but I wouldn't have guessed they were close enough to be on the brink of marriage. pg 6. The train spirit thing is really catching my interest, and I want to see more hints of it earlier on so that it hooks me from the start instead of 6 pages in. I can see where the story's trying to go with the ghost stories, but at the time I didn't feel like I had any reason to take them literally. I want to feel like something's clearly off that I don't know how to place (though other effects could work just as well, of course) pg 7. Ah so the communication conflict I saw before on pg. 3 was intentional. I think this could be called out earlier. I get that J isn't fully aware that she thinks A is keeping secrets until it happens, but hanging a lantern on the communication barriers or lack of trust there earlier on could still help I think pg 8. I don't feel like I'm getting enough about the spirits. If they're, like, cognitively equivalent to humans then them moving to drown these two people in the lake (even as collateral damage) is awful. If they're closer to raw emotion and don't think the same way humans do this starts to make more sense. pg 11. If J doesn't trust the ghosts, why is she not booking it the moment she gets out of the train? pg 13. I'm getting a really good feeling for their conflict here, and this is the first time I feel fully engaged by the conflict in their relationship. If these ideas of trust and secrets are as integral to the story as I'm guessing, I need more setup in the early pages to hook me. pg 14. Idk if this is the intention but I'm really worried about J. Sticking with someone because you don't see another way to live is, uh, not great. This all kinda reminds me of the time I was in a codependent relationship that was never going to end well. pg 15. Random q but why does an author like A have chainsaws lying around? I haven't thought about the physical setting of where they live much but if it's a more rural/forested area it might prevent me from questioning this. Plus emphasizing where they are helps me picture where they are a bit better, which right now I don't feel like I have a great idea of -Oh so A has ADHD. I'm pretty certain that's an intentional callout. I'd prefer to know something this integral about her earlier on, and nothing before really screamed ADHD to me. Though I don't think it's vital to do so. pg 17. The kitten appearing feels a little random to me pg 19. This could be a personal thing (and is an issue I have with a lot of romance tbh) but I'm really not sure I believe they're good for each other. 1. In terms of beats to crank up, I think the ideas within the story are solid but could use clearer setup. On the supernatural side, I think we need more about the ghosts early. Hearing that there are ghost stories doesn't give me any reason to think that they're real on their own. This isn't to say that we need to see the ghosts, but there should be something the story is focusing on that tells us there's more going on than meets the eye. On the romance side, the ideas of secrets and deceit, and how J deals with them both in herself and in A, doesn't really feel like a focus until a good deal of the way through, and I think it needs to be there earlier. 2. Hmm can't speak about the last draft but I saw the haunting as more of an aesthetic thing and only recognized it was literal when it happened. 3. That would help me, yeah. 4. Honestly... not quite. As much as I like romance, one of the gripes I have about the genre is that it's hard to get endings that feel earned because the romance plot demands a showy love declaration over characters actually working out their problems. The conflict here is great! The secrets, lies, and trust dynamics hit hard given how fundamental they are to their relationship. But the characters don't really solve that problem other than (kinda) saying that they'll stop doing it. I think there needs to be a firmer thematic resolution to these strong ideas you've set up. The kitten thing is sweet but imo doesn't really connect to the story's main ideas in its current form. I'm going to shill this book since I just finished reading it and it has a lot of the same ideas of trust and lies that I found interesting here too. The singular romance book I've read (out of not a ton tbf) that I feel like has the characters actually work out their problems in a compelling way is called "Hold Me Closer Toni Danzig." Highly recommend if you don't mind stuff that's somewhat sexually explicit. It's a novella so pretty quick read too. Another unrelated note about the romance genre is that I want to be more connected with these characters than I am. As I'm guessing you know, romance plots are pretty cookie-cutter so the characters really have to do the heavy lifting. The ones here have a lot of good moments but I think there's room for improvement. In particular what I'm looking for are specific, distinct personality details. Right now I don't feel like I really know them on a deep level as people, which I think comes from how so much of what we learn about them fits neatly into place without telling us too much about who they are. I think there's more room for specific quirks, likes/dislikes, values, memories, ect. to surface. Good luck editing!

I don't read/know much about middle-grade but I'll do my best! As I go: pg 1. Love the first line. Usually I hate it when stories start in dialogue but it works for me here. -I think I need to feel a stronger connection between B and this duck. It's believable that he'd react this way but I think I need to see a bit more of where that comes from. Something like a meaningful moment he has with the duck (just throwing stuff out there). I think that's especially important because he's adamant about this duck not being able to be replaced by another duck. pg 3. I don't see what the first half of the page adds to the story, currently -skin shriveling is a pretty... intense way of describing that. I have to admit that image never crossed my mind. Is this a common thing for other swimmers to think about? The muscles aching does seem on point, though. There's something satisfying about it... even as someone who kinda hated swimming. -"Intergalactic" gave me a bit of whiplash. Potentially fine if people are expecting space stuff from cover/synopsis though. pg 4. I like the coach's line at the bottom. The fact that they're not saying "it's bad to damage property!" and is instead saying "you didn't do a good job of actually affecting him so the vandalism was pointless" is refreshing for a mentor figure and has some interesting implications about their politics pg 5. The couple paragraphs about Q was exactly what I wanted back in page 1. Any chance it could be moved up? Also would tell me that this is a space setting on page 1 which would be helpful. 1. I'd say yes, though mostly because of the dynamic between B and the coach, so I'd be a little tentative going forward because I'm not sure how much of a focus that will be in the larger story. 2. Not a middle-grade reader but yeah. He does sound mature for his age which I see as a positive. Kid protags in fiction always seemed... especially childish to me as a kid. 3. I think the worldbuilding taking the backseat a bit is fine, but what we do get I'd like to see earlier since it 1. Doesn't force me to reimagine the story halfway through the chapter and 2. fleshes out character dynamics more 4. I'm expecting a sports story, though most sports stories I know are about team sports so I'm not sure what will be done here without all the "power of teamwork" stuff. I mean obviously he could swim relays but that doesn't seem to be what's being set up, and it's not like those require a ton of coordination anyways. Also I'm guessing there will be lots of focus around economic inequality which I'm here for. It's presented in a way that I think I would have liked as an 8-10 year old (when I did most of my middle-grade reading).

Hi everyone, I've been mulling over edits for the story as a whole and I think that the next draft I do for this novel will be very different. New characters, new events, ect. I plan to lean much more into the monster fantasy type ideas instead of vanilla romance with a sprinkle of supernatural. The reason I'm saying this is because it feels a bit odd (at least as someone who doesn't have a lot of experience editing) to be submitting something that has a chance of getting scrapped no matter what the feedback is. So at this point, I'm mostly looking for broad impressions rather than LBLs (though all feedback is welcome). And I know we try not to do this here, but at this point I'm also very open to prescriptive feedback since so much of this is in flux and I feel comfortable adjusting prescriptive suggestions to fit what the story wants to be. Questions: 1. On the topic of the above paragraph; are you interested in me subbing this to the end even if the story is likely to fundamentally change or should I just focus on subbing subsequent drafts? 2. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 3. Thoughts on characters? Thanks!

I'll have a slot for this Monday, please!

Hi everyone, Thanks for your comments (and for telling me how allosexuals behave lol)! I'll also give a warning ahead of time that my partner's going to be visiting for a while so I'll probably be even less active on the site than I normally am. But I will get to critiques and reading people's comments on my story eventually! This one isn't rewritten as much as many others, so idk if that means more or fewer LbL issues/things feeling out of place. 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot as well, please!

Hi everyone! I'm back after a couple week hiatus. Your comments on the last chapter were really helpful; a lot of stuff with B was fairly spontaneous so I definitely agree that she doesn't fit into the plot as well as I want. As for this chapter, the beginning and end parts were basically fully rewritten yesterday though a lot of the middle stuff is the same. I'm constantly tweaking W's and N's relationship dynamics so I'm curious to see how it comes across here. Questions for after reading: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Let's go hope I'm not too late. As I go: pg 1. I think no matter what you do with V I'm going to be really annoyed at him for screwing over C and the others. Which means I'm going to kinda roll my eyes at whatever he says here. So I kinda want him to come across as more insufferable so it's fun to hate him. pg 2. This is engaging but... I don't really have a strong investment in these characters. If this were gone I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything pg 3. Now this one is more necessary since so much of the plot revolved around getting A to a place where he was happy pg 5. I like the chapter 1 thing pg 6-7. Hmm I'm not really getting the point of this I think. At least why we need to see it all in scene, especially the logistics. I'm waiting for the buildup to the final whammy and right now I don't see it. pg 8. Okay the shoots is a way for us to track progress. My recommendation is to cut here immediately and have all of the anxiety/uncertainty from before be implied in the background -If you want to include the dinner scene, I'd prefer it to be in between seeing the shoots and the city. I think the conversation would be more interesting with some sort of catalyst having already happened. pg 9 (top). This is a great idea but it's never going to be the most powerful it can be to me if the focus is on something that does not exist. I like the line about the feeling of inertia more than the "no past/future" idea, because I can feel inertia but I can't feel a lack of a future or past. I think this is why for me it also feels a little obvious/heavy handed in how it ties into the story having no chapters. Though one thing I like about this is that it is pure inertia as opposed to cyclical time which I think is more standard. pg 9 (bottom). Good sendoff. 1. See comments for pg 6-7. Not boring but I didn't see the point really so it felt a bit stagnant. 2. No issues here! Prepare for ramblings below. I'm going to word vomit in hopes that me saying enough stuff will give you some sort of idea. Rambling 1: Themes/ideas of stagnation With the ending in mind, one big thing is that I want to feel the inertia a bit more so that it doesn't have to be explained to us all at the end. Though this is very tricky because... well, how do you show inertia happening? Especially when the characters don't understand it because that's all they know? I think this is why so many of these kinds of stories rely on cycles or loops. Because it's easier to show it happening again and again to drive home the stagnation instead of being forced to show... nothingness. This could work here but I also do like the pure timeless inertia. Hmm and the more I think about this there were hints and comments; it's just that I didn't know they were supposed to be so important that they culminate to the singular point of the ending. Because instead I was really more focused on the magic of the Wood Stove. Maybe this is what I was missing about why the airplane was supposed to be important all that time ago. I was like, "airplane. cool I guess?" when maybe the response was supposed to be "whoa this is cool because it shows characters developing a concept of change, time, and the world outside the town of C." Because of this, I think for me the most helpful think would be to link the Wood Stove to the idea of inertia. The wood stove is the most striking thing earlier in the story, so it can lead us into the main ideas and themes in a way that doesn't feel forced. Though again there are bits about how the wood stove can only rearrange things and can't really create anything new; I just didn't know that was the important part of the theme and assumed it was to ground it in some sort of rule so it felt less wishy-washy. And with further thinking, the characters do have some sort of idea of change and future even though the story acts like they don't. Because the town of C is getting worse and worse. The thing is, this seems very important as a driving force for the characters. If there were true stagnation and no pressure of change at all, the characters leaving would feel arbitrary. Though maybe this is actually an opportunity of the story and the characters acknowledging that change does exist already in the town of C is what gives them the idea that they can leave. I also wonder if V could tie into this idea somehow. He's supposed to be a hero, right? That fundamentally revolves around change, progress, and moving forward. I think it could be a compelling story if he teaches C about change, falters himself, but C steps up based on his lessons and carries everyone to the finish line. It really does feel like V is set up to be the mentor figure of the story but he doesn't seem to do much mentoring. Rambling 2: Magic and the Wood Stove: This is what caught my attention at the start, and I do think it's a strong part of the story that I'd like to see maintained. Perhaps this isn't worth answering and it's kinda a personal interest of mine but I am curious if all identity qualities can be purged from the wood stove, and if not what the line is. Like... if I were purging stuff in the wood stove, could I purge my gender? My anxiety/stress? My chronic illnesses and mental disabilities (they are a big part of me after all)? Though this does very quickly get into sketchy territory since it is quite literally erasing disabilities and other identities. So maybe it shouldn't be brought up? But ah I'm so curious. Oh also since the fan was introduced late on I was assuming it was going to have a pretty big role in the climax and resolution but it didn't make a huge appearance. Though I definitely don't want it to solve the problem for the protagonists. And while we're on the topic of T, I'd like a couple things from the story about her and the wood stove. 1. Her sacrifice really feels like it hinders C's plans. Most of what this revolves around to me is making T more important before the sacrifice so that it feels like a blow to the team when she loses her insight. 2. A path forward for her. Now that she's escaped, how will she move on from what has been inflicted on her? I think all we need is a hint. Rambling 3: Characters First off, as we mentioned I think that the mayor should be a stronger narrative force from earlier on. I think this indirectly helps G-M's arc as well since we don't feel the need to take her so seriously since we see she's not made to be the main villain. I think it also gives E more characterization early, since as much as I like him I think he might have the least going on character-wise out of the kids early on. G-M. I think her arc could do a lot of work in advancing the ideas of change and breaking free of inertia. Because burning down a house... certainly does that. I think that might give us more patience for her actions if it shows another side of the central ideas. The "dark side" of moving forward, to oversimplify. V. I talked about him above and I don't want to stress him too much since I may have been pushing the anti-V train a bit much. But after reading the ending my thoughts are that the story needs to make a decision on what's up with his origin and what it means. Because he came from the wood stove, but wasn't there also some element where he might have been from outside the town of C altogether? Coming from outside the town could make him a good catalyst and explain more of what he's supposed to do in his role as a hero. He is supposed to bring change to the town and take down the stagnation enforced by the wood stove, which ironically is able to exist because that sentiment from outside is filtered through the wood stove and came to life. And he does kinda succeed even as he fails, as C follows his lead and carries on. That's one story, but I'm not sure it's the one you had in mind since it does broaden the focus a bit. If there's some element of him that's from outside, that should be examined more. If not, I think the story needs to figure out why he's supposed to matter so much. Most of the other characters covered in above points. Side point: Partially agree here, but I think largely disagree if my read on what the story wants to be is correct. Agree in the sense that this raises a lot of questions that are tricky to answer, especially if this is "our world" they're travelling into, but disagree in the sense that the whole point of the ending, and of the story in general, is the characters learning to break away from stagnation and bring about change. That should be reflected in the physical world to tie the idea together, imo. That being said, it doesn't have to be a full city that they stumble on. I think even the smallest change like the vegetation mentioned might be enough to indicate the forward motion the story wants to capture. Oh, I did also agree with the other point that they get out of the radius very quickly. Well, congrats on subbing through the whole thing! Was a lot of fun to read.

Hey everyone, Thanks as always for the feedback, and especially to the readers who hopped back into the middle! I'm glad to hear that the last chapter seems to at least be on the right track. And apologies for the late submission today. But hoo boy did I need the time to clean this one up. The original one was... not good, and used my previous draft's characterization of B which is also not good. So I rewrote it entirely from scratch (from page 3 onward, at least) today. Questions after reading: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? Especially B. This version of her as a foil to W is a fairly spontaneous creation. The overall plot of the story is probably going to change quite a bit (seeing as how the supernatural stuff needs a lot more setup earlier on) and I'm wondering if B should be a more important character on the level of E. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please! ...I assume that I just happened to be the first one and we're not skipping this week? Also I will try to get to critiques today

Hi everyone, Thanks as always for your previous round of feedback! This time we have a bit of a different chapter. It mostly focuses on a side character subplot, and it's important to me that the story addresses what it does here even though it might not be as relevant to the main plot in its current form. Questions after reading: 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? 2. Thoughts on characters? 3. Was there enough main plot in here? Or alternatively, were you okay taking this detour?

I'll have a spot for tomorrow as well!

I get to be first this time! As I go: pg 1. This is very competently written and I think I'll be more engaged with it once V's arc and betrayal (?) is fleshed out a bit more pg 2-3. I'm glad they're packing plenty of food and water lol. This really makes me think that all of the planning they did a while back is unnecessary since they can just plan stuff out here. Plus it made me think we were going to be leaving a while back. -I do still wonder why the adults are... more or less resigned to the fact that the kids are leaving? There's been no real attempt to stop them other than just talking to them. pg 5. And there we go! I'm ready for a showdown. Though if the mayor is the main villain I do think we could have used a bit more background on him earlier. Maybe have the antagonism be split between him and G-M from the start? Will help us know him more and also won't create a narrative vacuum when G-M stops being threatening. -I like his appeal to the other kids. Good way of him to present as reasonable and sow discord. -That being said, the PoV feels weird. We're in the mayor's PoV, but it doesn't really feel like we are. pg 7. He's resorting to violence rather quickly. If E is listening to him, then why not target E with his words first? pg 8. Okay that's funny pg 9. While I know this story isn't about action and big showdowns, that seemed a little quick and easy. 1. Nope! 2. Yeah everyone feels in character. Mostly I think that the mayor only getting to do evil stuff for a couple pages doesn't really do him justice.

As I go: pg 1. This is the first time in the story I really feel like everything's coming together and we might be wrapping up soon. If you asked me last chapter I would have guessed we still had a good third of the story left. pg 4. Okay why does E feel okay being this direct? Is it trust? Desperation? pg 6. I think E finding a solution to making sure A is safe and cared for is pulled off well and I did enjoy it but a couple things are nagging at me. First, this never felt like a problem he was supposed to solve, since it was C's thing. This could even be played up if necessary, like C doesn't think E is capable of finding a good solution and then he does. Second, he did kinda just come up with it on the spot. Agreed on this. Overall: 1. Nope! 2. Yep. E is better here and I do like G-M overall. I do think there could be more emphasis on T overcoming her lack of insight but that's a nitpick. 3. E's a bit. T is fine because the revelations about the keys came recently enough they couldn't reasonably have thought about it beforehand. But with E, I think I need a bit more about how he came to that conclusion. Why is he the one who comes up with the answer, and why can he only do it now and not before?