Appol PhD

I’m late but I’m excited to get into this! Overall: I really enjoyed the prologue, and I like the background setup for A in chapter 1 as well. To me the biggest thing that’s missing is a sense of A’s emotional stakes/plot. The pained dancer stuff has a lot of potential, but right now it doesn’t feel like her characterization is distinct from anyone else who just had their crew possessed. As a prescriptive idea, it might be helpful to know a bit about her goals and how this (presumably) ruins them. As I go: Pg 1. I like the blending of high fantasy and tongue and cheek corporate advertising. I do think that starting in 2nd person is pretty risky if you’re not planning to lean on that throughout the story though. Pg 3. I also like the ending to this first section here. It’s a bit unorthodox to have the conflict stem from something so avoidable, but I think it fits the tongue and cheek tone of this opening. That being said we could use more context as to why the people view the enchantment as being so important. Pg 6. This section has me intrigued, though with the city being destroyed I’ll need a new hook soon since I did really like how it was set up. Pg 7-8. The curse is fun setup, though imo it doesn’t carry the momentum of the prologue forward Pg 9-10. The way L is talking to A makes A seem younger than 16 Pg 11. While this is believable in the context of the story, I think S’s appearance needs a bit more narrative setup here. Also if L is totally gone then it’s harder to be engaged with her relationship with A that the story spent time building up.

Hi everyone, Sorry for the late submission. I meant to get this out yesterday but it didn't quite happen. Other than that, not a lot of comments for this one. We're at the penultimate submission so I'm curious what people think about the resolution. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, We're continuing the climactic confrontation here, so this section is especially important to come across well. As always, I'm curious to see what people think!

Good to see you back! Overall: Despite most of my LBLs being critical, I did enjoy the story overall and I found the writing to be crisp and easy to follow—not an easy feat by any means for a short story, and this one let me picture what was happening better than many published short stories I’ve read. My biggest overall comment is that it feels like the story lacks focus. We go from wallowing in prison to jailbreak to parenting to a philosophical discussion of Omelas to E showing violence as a way of reclaiming her humanity. Any of these feels like it could be its own story and because the focus shifts so often it feels like we’re constantly resetting the story’s momentum. Personally, the part that hooked me the most was the parenting section, which feels like a more distinct conceit for a story than the other parts. If you really want to cut down the story I think you could even start here and expand this section a bit (or choose any of the other sections to delve deeper into). I’m also mixed (as in actually mixed not a nice way of saying negative) on the Omelas usage here. On the one hand it does provide good context and the story builds on its ideas in some good ways (again I like the parenting section here—showing how difficult it is for the child even if the system is challenged feels like a natural extension of the ideas behind Omelas), but on the other hand I’m not sure you can count on people having read that story and I’m not sure what’s here stands on its own without that context. Plus this story’s voice/tone/atmosphere feels standard compared to the distinctive style in Leguin’s story. Not necessarily a bad thing on its own, but I’m not sure it’s the right fit to expand on Omelas. As I go: Pg 1. The mops element in the first paragraph does a good job of being distinct but the hook doesn’t quite land for me since I don’t quite feel the connection to her emotional state with the mops. -At the start of the page I wasn’t sure if she’s in some eldritch horror land with her comments being literal but by the end of it looks like she’s imprisoned. I wonder if there’s a way to avoid that confusion. Pg 2. The language at the start is distinct but now that we’re getting into the actual plot I’m not sure what makes the situation here different form a typical jailbreak. Pg 3-4. I’m wondering if we even need the first PoV section given that we swap to A’s here. If the story starts right here then I’m not sure we’re losing much, which can be a sign that the earlier sections aren’t fully necessary. Pg 5. The Omelas namedrop does catch my interest though as it stands I wouldn’t really have guessed that this is an Omelas setup without the name. So far it feels like a typical jailbreak that could be occurring for any number of reasons. I’m also can’t tell if it’s the exact setup as Leguin’s story with one child being imprisoned at a time. Pg 6-7. Feels like a pretty big pivot in focus here from jailbreak to parenting. This does hold my interest a bit more since it feels more distinct than a jailbreak. Pg 9. Rape mention should be included in content warnings, and I’m not a fan of throwing that kind of thing around flippantly without being prepared to deconstruct it. I’ve definitely done it before myself and I’m trying not to anymore. Pg 11. I see the pieces coming together and I like the arc of helpless child learns to find her humanity through accepting that violent resistance can be necessary, but I don’t think we have enough buildup for the payoff here to feel earned.

Sounds great! I'll take a slot for tomorrow

Overall: Looks like nobody got to you in time for the competition; sorry about that! Hopefully the feedback will still be helpful. This is a fun little read about being a low-level exploited worker when there’s a supernatural incident going on. In response to the concern that it’s over the top I don’t think it is—if anything I think it could serve to be more over the top absurdist to distract from the violence that’s happening here. Overall for me the biggest disconnect is between the ideas of the apprentice being a downtrodden exploited worker and the actual danger here being the vampire attacks. It feels like the story wants us to focus on how the work environment is keeping the apprentice down but the vampire attack seems like both the bigger issue and something that isn’t really the restaurant’s fault given that this seems to be a fairly common thing and the apprentice isn’t on the front lines against vampires more than anyone else. I did wonder if this is commentary on covid (a danger to both customers and frontline workers who are likely to be vulnerable and exploited), but even if it is I think there needs to be more work connecting the vampire danger the apprentice is in to his status as a low-level worker who’s exploited by the higher-ups. This is where my earlier comment about making the story more over the top and absurdist comes in—if everything is over the top then I’ll fixate less on the vampire violence trumping everything else. Though of course that’s only one of many directions the story could take. Best of luck in revision! As I go: Pg 1. This is a fun conceit! I think If we’re going to be following the apprentice I think it’s important to start with him right away so that the first page doesn’t feel like too much background exposition. Pg 2. It’s good that we have a dream for this character though I think it could be more specific. Knowing that he wants to become a master chef doesn’t cue me into his characterization that much more. -The narration here makes me think this is contemporary, which I think could be clearer in the first page description of the vampires. Pg 3. The vampire conceit is fun but right now it doesn’t feel necessary for the story. If this restaurant happens to be busy for mundane reasons rather than supernatural ones it doesn’t really change the story so far, so I’d like to see more integration of the supernatural elements given the time devoted to their setup. Pg 4-5. Aha there’s the vampire integration I wanted. What I need to know is how common this is, and it could be nice to get a sentence or two about the systems that allow this to happen (if this is modern day, why can’t the military/law enforcement etc. handle this?) Pg 6. I like the themes focusing on how the apprentice is being exploited as a worker, and the vampire threat seems to contradict that since the real danger is some monster coming in and draining him.

Hi @Silk I know I'm late but if it's possible I'd like a slot for today!

Hi everyone, This submission is the start of the climactic final conflict, and while the emotional buildup with the soldiers in part 3 will be revised I'm not sure if I'll need to change the major events of this climax--looking forward to hearing thoughts on the matter! Thanks!

Ooh hope that's fun!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: This chapter helps me understand C’s position better and there’s the workings of some good emotional character hooks with how he feels about his family. From context it seems like the funeral is for his mom, which if true could probably be stated outright, and this has a good opportunity to draw people connected to C together. What I feel like this chapter is missing is an inciting incident and overall plot threads. When I ask myself why it’s important that the story starts here and what the rest of the story will be about, I’m not quite able to answer them. Or in another way, this feels more like a bunch of scenes telling us about C’s background than the start of his journey, if that makes sense. In my LBLs I mention that the character introductions don’t have a strong impact on me for this reason; it’s cool that C is being pushed back into proximity with family and old friends but without knowing the stakes of how they tie into the larger plot the investment isn’t there from my end. As I go: Pg 1. This is a good start to an emotional character hook, and I think the first line pretty much conveys it all. The scene doesn’t really move throughout the rest of the page. Pg 2. On the one hand I like the lack of exposition compared to the prologue, but on the other hand I think we need a bit more of an intro to F-K. We know they’re his mentor; what else stands out about them? Pg 4. The main point I’m taking from this is that the highest farseer is coming, but I a bit more specificity as to why this is important. Like obviously it’s a big deal for an important person to show up, but I need more hints as to how this is kicking off the plot. Pg 6-7. I’m still not getting a good feel for the plot/inciting incident. There’s a funeral and some ceremonies mentioned, but that alone isn’t momentous enough to kick off a whole story with the context we have. Pg 10. I think the main thing I need from V’s character introduction is a tie-in to the plot to make his role feel necessary. Once I have a clearer picture of the plot I think a lot of these pieces fit together better. Pg 12. Same comment as above. The father showing up is a promising character hook but without an idea of what it means for the larger plot it’s hard for me to get invested.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last time! Today we're heading to the buildup to the climax with a bit of a shorter submission--there are probably four or five submissions left after this one. Thanks!

I'll have a slot too please!

Welcome (even though I’m late to the party)! It’s always nice to see new faces (not that I’m a grizzled veteran at this or anything), and it’s nice to have someone to critique since I’ve been the only one regularly submitting for the past few months. I really hope you find the feedback useful and continue getting critiques from us! Overall: This prologue has a solid emotional foundation of a mother leaving her child to go to war, and what I didn’t get as good of a feel for was the larger situation. The humans are invading this fantasy race, but I don’t feel like I have a good idea of what that looks like or why D feels that she specifically has to go. I’m also not sure what makes the people here different from humans in terms of physiology or culture. The tricky part is that I also feel like there’s a lot of exposition here and I don’t recommend adding any more, so the challenge is to clarify the larger situation through refining what’s here instead of adding a lot more explanation or dialogue about it. As I go: Pg 1. A piece of advice I received in a creative writing class is to (as a general rule) make sure the opening paragraph has an interaction between characters rather than focusing only on one and has something striking/out of place that draws readers in. If I pick this up in the bookstore I’m not sure why I should buy this book specifically over all the other high fantasy out there. Pg 3. I see that the characters are emotional so it seems like this is important. I think I need a bit more characterization/background for this emotion to hit home—with the difficult balance that I also think that there’s a lot of exposition that can be cut back here. Pg 5-6. Now in C’s PoV I’m starting to piece a few more things together—I think the conflict of mother leaving her son is a good foundation, but I’m still having trouble getting a feel for the bigger picture here. Pg 7. The implication that D killed the human is an interesting one. Again I like the pieces here and I need a bit of help putting them together to get a feel for the situation. Pg 8. So D is leaving to go off to war? I’m guessing that was what the conversation early on was about but I didn’t quite understand at the time. Pg 9-10. How old is C?

Hi everyone, We're moving into the emotional buildup for the climax. Feedback thus far is that the way the story focuses on each of the soldiers and their one interest doesn't feel the most effective, so feel free to skim over those sections assuming that holds true here as well. The interpersonal relationship I'm more curious about is the one between A and M. The story is structured to focus on one of A's interpersonal relationships per part (P in part 1 and Am in part 2), and M is the one here for part 3. I'm guessing that the story can do more to tie their relationship into the primary plot of stopping B, but other than that I'd like to hear how it comes across. Thanks as always!

Hi @Silk I know I'm late but could I submit for this week?

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last submission! We're at the midpoint conflict for part 3, so pretty soon we'll be heading to the climax. I'm guessing that some of the same comments about pacing/clarity will continue here, so feel free to skim if you hit those points (I've learned my brain works better doing big edits after submitting the whole novel so these remaining submissions won't be tweaked much before you see them). Thanks!

Hi @Silk! I'd like a slot for tomorrow please (back from vacation and ready to get back in the rhythm of submitting)

Hi everyone, We're back in A's PoV this time, with this chapter focusing on the buildup to the big midpoint crisis of the act. Not many other comments this time, so I'll cut myself off there. Thanks!

I'll have another slot for tomorrow, please!

Hi everyone, I'm back with another submission. Parts of the climax and resolution play off the ideas presented in this chapter, but I'm worried that it's too expository/dense/confusing here so I'm curious to see what people think. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone! Thanks for the feedback last time. This week we have a new PoV character. Based on previous feedback some of the side characters that show up here probably aren't going to ring any bells like they're supposed to, which I have larger plans to work on in revisions. Mostly what I'm curious about is the pacing and how X comes across as a PoV character. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!