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No, because I'm missing buy-in. In order for that kind of wording to work, I need to care about who is saying it and why they are saying it. Although I do love religion in my fantasy and sci fi so the right elements are there, I just need more of a hook.

@Blessed peace Shalom! I'm Jewish as well, but reformed so... sort of the diet coke end of Judaism. Still, nice to have another Jew on the board! Welcome! Also big welcomes to @Severian4Scadrial and @Alderant! Nice to have some new blood on the board. I think I might have an intro thread.... somewhere way back.

Hey hey, welcome to RE, and congratulations on your first sub! Overall This is a good place to start, but it needs some work. The big items missing right now are: 1) character buy-in; 2) inciting incident; 3) through line. I saw from above that English isn't your first language so well done, because there is no way I could write a story this well in any of the other languages I know. Grammar and spelling aside, I think it just needs a few more passes for basic structure, as indicated above. Regarding your question about the city, I can't really answer it because I don't know enough about it. I'd like to be more invested in the characters because I really enjoy religions and religious debate, but I can't seem to parse the reasons behind their arguments. So maybe another pass or two and then send it back through? Well done on submitting, regardless. It takes a lot of courage! As I go - there are a lot of tense changes throughout this document - the leading paragraph doesn't have much of a hook. It might be worth asking yourself, what makes this story stand out? How is it different from any other bar/tavern story in a medieval setting? How can I best hook the reader? What is the inciting incident? - pg 2: I'm not following any of the dialogue because I don't yet have any character buy-in. I need more world sense and why I care about the characters before I'll get too into arguments, especially about made up religions - pg 5: I'm still not sure where this story is going or anything about the characters - pg 5: generally, although especially on this page, the dialogue reads really stilted. Also all the characters appear to speak with the same 'voice'

Agree completely. Also this. @Mandamon hit on my two main issues, too. Yes also this! The technical writing isn't bad at all!

I swear to the Great Writing Gods that I am going to get better about being on time with the crits. Overall Confusion, mostly. There's a decent flow to it and I think I have an idea what you were going for, but the worldbuilding and description are too vague. The end lacks punch because I don't actually know what the man wanted from the protag other than abduction, or why the protag was baiting the man to begin with. As I go - The first sentence isn't an ideal cold open, as it doesn't do much to grab me. - pg 3: The things that turned me on also made me suspicious.<-- I don't understand what this has to do with the previous sentence - pg four: This wasn’t the job... <-- this part needs to come on like page one or two, since it's the first hook we've really gotten (unless this is a romance) - pg 5: get him arrested for what? I assume our protag was out to get this guy but why? I think I need more worldbuilding and description in the first few pages, because now I'm getting action without backstory and it's leaving me confused, not compelled - pg 5: blocking issues. So wait. They are under a bunch of...coats? Luggage? And they draw a sword and cut their way up and then start fighting with the man? Yes? - pg 6: charged him with abduction with intent to experiment <-- yeah I need more on this 'experiment' part earlier - so he... abducts people why?

A first draft, so don't feel like you have to read it. It'll be a rough ride. I mostly need thoughts on level of info dump, likability of E, and if it is a compelling enough inciting incident (and if the through line is viable, or I need to punch it up). Many thanks!

I'm up for Monday. Ready for some input on this short I've been working on for an anthology.

Hey @Mercy Zephyr! If you head over to the Reading Excuses forum you'll find a critique group that can help do reads of your stuff. If you're looking to publish small press (so no agent) I can suggest some small presses that are decent and queer owned. A lot of us over at RE are either agented/published or working towards those goals, so it might be a good place to get feedback and meet some people!

Overall It took a while to get there, but I enjoyed this piece. The ending was amusing. The granddaughter had a bit of a different voice, which was nice, although your two scientists at the beginning I couldn't tell apart without dialogue tags. Still, you're getting better! Enough. Being a scientist no doubt helps I was amused by the ending! This also confused me This sums up my feelings perfectly. As I go - Prescription alert. Ignore if desired. I know we've talked about the 'overwriting' before, but just as an example: J paused, stopped eating his salad, and took a look at my phone. Then he shrugged and went back to his salad. “Unremarkable.” That was his sole comment. Is the original. But I think it would flow a lot better, the whole story, if you cut down the redundancy. So the above turns into: J paused, stopped eating his salad, and looked at my phone. Then he shrugged and went back to his salad. It tells us all the same information without the two additional sentences, and gives J a curt feeling, so we get some emotion along with the action. - pg2: I don't think you can use 'statistically significant' like that. It refers to actual statistical models, not regions of space - 3: this is a lot of info dump/technobabble for so early on. I don't want to read this kind of stuff unless I care about the characters and/or plot, and right now I do not - page 4: Delta-S was made out of the best men in the field? This is my Marge Simpson growl. - Also Dr. C appears to be female so clearly there are, in fact, women in this universe and even in Delta-S - 6: The way J says 'you're planning on killing a woman' makes it seem like that's a worse crime than killing a man - I do appreciate the gender correcting across pages 6-7 though - Hah. I'm highly amused by the ending

Are you retired now, or simply a man of leisure??

Okay so yes, I am once again horribly behind. Overall The foreshadowing of M being a were, then turning out not to be for social commentary worked fairly well. However I think the story needs more of a point than that, because outside of a crit group I'd not have read the whole thing. It needs a through line and some greater stakes than what it has now. I agree with @industrialistDragon though that from a technical writing standpoint, this is one of your best. It was a very smooth read! As a Jewish person, I also want to deeply caution against using labeling systems and camps for stories about the supernatural, especially 'dangerous' supernatural. It draws not-good parallels, and others in a way that sci fi does when it uses aliens as race relations subjects instead of actual people of color. If you're looking to tell a story about Jews or immigrants or queer people, I'd suggest doing so outright, instead of 'other' coding them. I agree. this happened far too fast. I also had this issue. I need more emotional buy-in, and much earlier. The jail scene was the closest I got to stakes and really caring. As I go - she's going to pick up the dog poo, right? - pg 3: it's hard for me to care about werewolf internment when I don't even care about the characters yet. I feel like the narrative is moving too fast. - pg6: Since I don't know enough about M to have empathy for her, she comes off more really disgruntled and mean than overworked, which is what I assume you are going for? - pg8: I still don't know what the through line is for this story. Where is it going? Why do I care about werewolves other than that M is probably one? I don't care about M yet though so not sure her being a were matters - pg9: I have some strong, adverse feelings to using WWII era iconography for supernatural stories. I would flag this if I was sensitivity reading - pg15: I'm still wondering what the purpose of this story is and where it is going

Agree. Blocking is very decent. Also agree. There needs to be higher stakes and more screwing up. Perfect protags are boring. Same LOL this happened to me, too

I'm behind again, but this time in my defense, it's because I'm on Rapa Nui and have the world's slowest internet. However, the fact that the world's belly button has internet is a miracle in and of itself. Before I get to the critique, I thought I would ask @aeromancer if you have read the Baru Cormorant books? I just finished the second one and it struck me that the writing style is very much like yours, just with a bit more polish. You might consider reading the first just as an exploratory exercise (the story isn't bad, either). Overall I'm confused. I think maybe I need more time with the characters, or more emotion, or more voice differential, because I'm having a hard time caring about the events. Someone is stealing a painting, there's like a triple cross I think, and a lot of GOTCHA moments. Everyone appears to be male. After than, I'm not sure. I think the complexity of the gotchas might need to be toned down in favor of more emotional reactions. that would help me invest in the characters more, for sure. As I go - solid intro line - the first page reads pretty stilted, like a bad action movie sequence. I'm expecting some mustache twirling. Have you considered reading the dialogue bits out loud, maybe even acting them out? Generally I don't expect books to play like movie scripts. Movie dialogue is often too over the top for books - 2: is there a reason these two keep ego stroking one another? Because if the plot twist is that they are secretly lovers and this is how they get their jollies or something, by over-the-top role playing, this book just became GOLD - 6: everyone speaks exactly the same, in that formal, stilted English. I think changing up how people speak would go a long way to differentiating voice of the characters - 11: I'm really lost. There are a lot of people and I don't really know what is going on - 13: iocane extract? Bit of a Princess Bride reference? - 17: "chew us out" doesn't really mesh with the formality of everyone else's English, though it does distinguish the character!

Overall I'd suggest picking just one of your POV characters and letting us interact with just them for a few chapters before moving on to another. It was really hard to get invested in anyone with the constant change, and I was left with no clear narrative direction nor interest in the characters. I think Shy has some good potential, since her introduction also shows an inciting incident, but the world needs to be a bit better developed around her as to the stakes of this thing disappearing and her involvement (and whatever religion/magic thing they practice). To answer your questions: Are the characters interesting? Shy is interesting only because of her proximity to your inciting incident. D is thus far not a person of note. Would I follow them through the rest of the story? I might give it another chapter to see if a narrative arc is established but at this point, I'd waffle. It wouldn't be enough to get me to buy it at a bookstore, but I might check it out from a library because I like sand magic Pacing I don't think the pacing was so bad as much as the world wasn't defined enough, and the characters needed more defined arcs. But that can be rectified in edits easily. Also, it's good to see you back on the boards! As I go - Within the first two paragraphs, I already have Capitalization Fatigue - Any normal person slamming their fist as hard as they could into a block of extremely dense sandstone would have bruises and sores for days, maybe even break a finger or two, but for a Cracker like Shy, there was only a slight vibration, a pleasant tingling -- these types of explanations I think really detract from the power of the action. We know that most people can't shatter sandstone like that, so we don't really need it explained to us - Two pages in is too soon for a POV switch, for me. I don't yet care about our first character, so I will have an even harder time caring about the second. Give us a good chapter or two to really get invested before head hopping. - last paragraph on page three has a lot of 'sand' repetition - It's hard not to skim all this sand stuff with D, as I don't yet know why I should are about him - pg 9: not sure 'Cracker' is the word you want to use for this skill. I can't stop laughing - Shy would never forgive herself for not being there with him when he needed her. Confused. Why did he need her? How is this her fault? - How does Den just walk into this place where his dead father is? Isn't there security? I mean, a major artifact was just stolen. Where are the guards? The investigators?? - pg 13: I think we need some inkling that D finding his dead father is a dream sequence, because I was very confused

I realize hotels don't open up for another month or so, but there are some really nice Air BnBs right now available in the neighborhood of the convention center. I just booked one for a super reasonable rate. Would be worth checking out in case the hotels go fast or end up being as expensive as the WorldCon staff is warning about.

Yes, you definitely deserve treats and alcohol now! That was a LOOOONG survey!

I need to care more about the family, and how protag feels about the family. Basically I need more emotion. Not necessarily sloppy emotion, but if protag doesn't really care, then I can't, either.

I don't know if changing the bridge scene would do much because it's the greater world skewing so close that is the issue, for me. Costing Mel is helpful, but I'd almost like to see the world not be able to revert, and our suicidal protag have to reinsert into a world that doesn't know them, and learn lessons that way. I think that would be very interesting. A 'no backsies' approach.

Overall While I liked this one better than the gambling story (probably because I like alcohol better than gambling), I thought there were too many POV characters in a short space, and it took too long to discover the plot. Ideally I'd like to see the through line in the first page or two. I feel like the story really starts on page 11, and you could probably cut everything leading up to it. How the buildup went: it kept getting cut off because the POV kept switching. I'd start to get invested and them bam, it was someone else. The last few pages had some promise, for sure, but I think we need to get to the auction sooner, and through fewer people. Your writing has gotten more solid for sure! Especially since you first joined the boards. I think your characters still need some differentiated voices, but mechanically your writing has come a long way. Nice! As I go - I think you could combine the first and second sentence, with some rearrangement, and have it pack a lot more of a punch - Ak has too much knowledge, I think, that comes too readily. It takes out any tension that might build. Maybe have him work for the answers more? Otherwise it's just infodumpy - you've got more redundancy on page five with the inherited from mother bit - Is there a break between pages five and six? Why do we go from discussion of wine to ropes? - oh, is this a completely different POV too? Since this is chapter one, I'd advise against mid-chapter POV breaks. I don't yet have any vested interest in the first POV character. Give me some time to settle in before another - pg9: another POV in the same chapter. I'm overwhelmed now - pg 11: I've meet three POV characters thus far, but still don't know what the plot or through line is - it strikes me as very odd that something that doesn't get any bids just gets given to someone. That cannot possibly be a thing - the plot seems to actually start on page 12, where we learn there is a 'team,' which hints at a through line - the ending is fairly satisfying

Overall It's better, and I have a much better grasp of the world this time around. Unfortunately the plot still seems disjointed. Every time I thought I was getting the hang of it there was a turn and I was lost again. Maybe too many characters introduced too quickly? Maybe just a bit more family buy-in? But yes, definitely making good progress! Per usual, I agree with Mandamon As I go - elf isn't a proper noun, and neither is angel. Capitalizing them seems weird here and jars me from the the story, which is rough so early on - Except they weren’t two separate worlds.I don't think this lands quite the way you want. How about Two worlds. Problem was, both existed in her world, or something like that? - ...lived a double life in a messy multifaceted world where she tried her best to make it a better place, whether it was by supporting the people she loved or helping strangers find peace. She tried, but she failed more than she succeeded. This seems redundant since most has already been stated - Most people called her... This doesn't seem relevant. If most people call her that, why doesn't the narrative? - that first part feels a little too info-dumpy, to the point where when E is introduced it seems to come out of nowhere. It's a better intro, but we might need more emotional buy in to family if we're going to care about E. Right now I barely care about M. - pg 8: It took me three reads to realize M is hearing E's internal monologue

And here I go, falling behind again. I have no excuses. Ugh. Overall I agree with @Mandamon that this skews too close to the movie. It takes the suspension out, and as @aeromancer noted, when something skews that close to a well-known world, you expect a different ending, something to shake things up. This seemed to fall flat on stakes and delivery, I think mostly because people are so aware of how the story is going to go. Going to try to get to your other piece today or tomorrow so there isn't such a big reading gap! As I go - I do love the pee thing. It's very realistic - the summary recap on page six takes a lot of the magic from the scene. It's fun to experience the weirdness as the MC sees it, but it doesn't work for me at all when it's just 'this is what happened.' - pg 9: because I have seen It's a Wonderful Life, it's hard not to skim the information here. I know where it is going and I want to get to the 'good' bits, and that makes me less invested in the main story overall - the recap at the end of pg 12 - 13 is unnecessary. We just read this.

I KNOW. I wasn't expecting to write a dissertation!

Infodumps generally need to serve a secondary purpose, yes. High fantasy/epic fantasy not necessarily though, as the 'world' is considered a character in the high/epic fantasy genres and therefore you can get away with some extended worldbuilding just for the sake of worldbuilding.

Just got my programming survey! Anyone else? Edit: Just finished filling out the LOOOONG form. I reminded them in a few places of our crit panel, and listed wanting to be on it with the lot of you. Here's hoping!!

Like, just general advice? I guess some general places to start are: - read, especially outside your comfort zone but within your genre. Get a feel for what the common tropes are, where the market is, and where your idea sits - be cognizant of your own biases and interrogate your writing for them - join a crit group that gives real feedback, not just back pats. Back pats don't get you anywhere - grow a thick skin - learn patience. Publishing moves at the speed of glaciers on a planet that isn't massively roasting with climate change - finish. Whether it's a novella, a short story, or a book, just FINISH it. You can edit later - edit. All first drafts suck. All second drafts suck. By draft eight or so you might have something worth sending out - engage with the writing community - a lot of which is on Twitter these days. Make friends. Make connections. Learn the lay of the land - never be afraid to ask for help!