kais

Overall I liked this! The middle could have used a bit more detail, but as a straight up fairy tale, it has good bones and some sound flesh. I really liked the end. I think it probably needs a few 'filling up' passes, but that's about it! While I did love the end line, I'm inclined to agree that a rescue would help. You could do it and still have that clever end line. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. As I go - pg 2: capes are gendered? - pg 2: 'as a baby trusts its father' struck me a little weird. Babies generally trust their mothers a whole heck of a lot more, although how much of that has to do with mom being a walking lunchbox is up for debate - pg 4: missing 'have' in 'I won't any friends' - pg 6: 'though I am a fool, I will remind you how.' Seems strange, since 'fools' in a court generally do help people laugh - nice end!

Overall Oh, that went fast! I enjoyed the A reveals! E seems to have some plot blinders on throughout this, and I expected more out of her during the early imprisonment, but the tension holds well during the time with the two non-conforming As. I had this same issue Overall though, nice chapter! As I go - pg2: why is E practically asking to be blindfolded?

Juan, Greg, Frank, Nick, Theo, Jesus, Kelly... more...

Well I got an email asking me to confirm my times available. So I'm officially a program participant, but not sure on what yet. Didn't see anything about tracks or panels or whatnot.

This sounds amazing. I have an in-person writing group but it is more industry support than critique. Yours sounds truly excellent.

100% here for multiple neopronouns in a book. I think Ard tapped out at... four(?) by the end. I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO BETTER. You will have to define them at some point, though, because there's no universal use of them yet. A one sentence drop for each would probably be fine.

AHAHAHAHA FIRST! Overall A bit wobbly in spots but good forward momentum. I did really want S to go through the crystal, instead of something coming out. Generally I think this chapter would benefit from more emotional connection (I know I know, funny coming from me and my drafts), which is always something you can put in later after you get it streamlined. As I go - are the colors acceptable? Aww, love - I'd be sad to lose this fun color conversation if you blend this into other chapters - 'the mute species' suggest deleting this. I think it's apparent and kind of more fun if it's not said - 'the species did not have the same concept of gender...' I'd like to consider myself fairly well versed in this world you've created. To this point, I thought it had been implied that there was no 'usual,' as you've been great about showcasing a number of sexualities and genders as just part of the world. This line, to me, calls that all into question. This is Mand ascribing his views, but its coming off as authorial view. I think it also limits your world. It would come off better as just starting with 'it was considered polite to ask...' - Agender=not currently doing anything. Hmm. I get it, but maybe needs just a touch of something else. 'Agender, as they were not currently doing a gendered assignment' or something along those lines, maybe? Gender by task is amazing world building and I love it, but it takes a bit of tweaking, I think, to make sure its not reinforcing weird Earth biases - Did Moor's name always have a 't' in it? Is my brain being weird? - nonbinary pronoun confusion, pg 5: This Lob we are talking to is agender and using they. Lar uses zie. Different part of the nonbinary spectrum, or typo? It 100% makes sense to use different pronouns with different enby derivations, but just wanted to make sure that was what you intended. - FOR THE DISSOLUTION yes please - the epigraph seems redundant with previous chapters. we know all this already - you know, I'm just going to come out with it. I want more on this R/O relationship. It's danced around in most of the books, and they have spats and such but I want like, an actual convo between them about their deal. Maybe a page. Maybe it ties into a beat with S and E and we just get Feelings for half a chapter. Either way, every time a line is dropped about R/O and there's no emotional tie, I get grumpy. - uh.... I want to be there for this swap! I is back, E is gone, and I feel like a SUPER AWESOME MOMENT has been stolen from me - I defending the trade very nonchalant seems counter to the yelling about torture a bit back. Right now it reads like I was in some sort of resort spa. He isn't upset at all - pg 9: yes, definitely want more reactions from I about his experiences - pg 12: I want you to know that right here, right now, I am yearning for a heartfelt S/I scene. They have so much in common and EMOTIONS - this bridge.... WRS? What is it? Where is it? Why is it important? - pg 16: YES PUT A HAND UNDER HIS CHIN, DARN IT! - 18: S has had like zero agency thus far, and right now I just really want him to run into the crystal wall

Sneaking in under the wire again, as I do. Overall Loved the bit with S's new house. E is really inconsistently written, and I think you could cut the whole R piece at the end. I think it actually slows tension instead of building it. Otherwise though, I think the pacing in this went well and it is building nicely. It reads like you've found your feet now, in this book, and we're chugging along nicely. Seconded. This is a fairly unique relationship and I would love to see a bit more of the dynamic. Not drama, mind, but evolution of feelings and such. I also feel like this is a consistent issue. Fewer POVs, and longer ones that are kept, would help a lot I agree with @industrialistDragon As I go - pg 1: I'm confused. They know there is a top to the Neth, but then say no expedition has been successful? Where are we in relation to your MG novella? - E's jealousy seems to come from nowhere. There was no hint of it in book one. I think it needs to be foreshadowed WAY earlier, like in a POV chapter maybe, right at the start, for this to make sense. It could work (though oddly I'm less engaged in their three way relationship if it does become a thing, because I like how seamless it is now), but I think it needs groundwork first - pg 3: oh, we're talking about Av now? Wait, when did that character get re-introduced? Do I have WRS? - pg 4: yeah, the snippet of jealousy doesn't really work with the sweetness of the kiss later on - pg 9: the overlap thing is fascinating and well explained - pg 10: definitely like the idea of S being in a new house, instead of having All The Gifts. Nice twist - pg 12: 'S needs him to come back.' E is all over this place this chapter, and not consistent at all. This is the most POV she's ever had in one of your books, I think, so might just be needing to figure out her voice - the bit with E and R at the end feels unnecessary

LOL yes I can tolerate them, but I'm sending you a marked up version to begin with, so you'll want to accept all changes before adding your mark ups or I'll never see them.

Week or two. I don't need LBLs or anything, just wanting to make sure it hit better emotional notes this time around in the end chapters. It's 2K over limit, too, so I can't add anything else.

Anyone have time to do a quick re-read of Dandelions (~14K words) all the way through and see if I've cleaned up the issues? Would like a few more eyes on it before it goes back to my editor.

Thank you again! These remain very helpful as I go through the editor edits, to tweak the story. I've done a lot of work with the glass sleeve, so that it is now in three pieces and just has to be glued up. I think that should help a lot. now on to fix the last part!

@Robinski Thank you so much for these comments! All duly noted and incorporated. I'm blending these bits in with my first round from my editor and I think the story is shaping up very well. Hah, well, I guess that's my calling card now?

Overall While I appreciate that there are only 2 POV characters in this chapter, I agree with @industrialistDragon that I have POV fatigue. I'd much prefer to stick with a character through a whole chapter, even two or more, before swapping. I especially miss Sa, as this always seemed like his story and he has been relegated to the sidelines. I'm wondering if this book wouldn't work well as an apprentice POV book? Maybe Sa, En, and one or two others? That would be a really interesting perspective and limit the POV numbers as well. I loved the I is a POV reveal. Good emotion there! I agree too that there is a lot of overlap in each chapter. They could be skimmed down and streamlined for better flow. But for a draft, looking good! As I go - pg 2: I feel like I've read all this before? Maybe? - pg 7: here we start to get to the meat of the chapter, but I think it comes too late. The part of him learning that his friend was an A would be better on page two or so, to keep the tension moving forward. There was too much talking before - pg 8: I'm missing something. Why is he willing to trade one for the other? What is the motivation behind this? I think I need more emotional lead in here because right now he just looks like he turned villain - pg 10: yeah I'd jerk my arm away, too

Overall Well that was lovely! GREAT tension and pacing, and just a few hiccups around POV transitions that could be smoothed out. I really enjoyed this and don't have a lot of quibbles at all. Nicely done! I also caught on this and think it could be streamlined As I go - I'm unclear what kind of being the not/girl is. Am I supposed to know? - by page 8 we don't need a reminder of her name

Overall Some really good scenes but the multiple POVs lagged the pacing. A few of the POVs I wasn't quite sure why they were there. For a draft, I think it is heading in the right direction. I want more Arido! I think this is a USA vs. UK think. We do say 'woodworked' here as a colloquialism. As I go - pg 3: I thought the box was tiny, but now it says they are scraping it across the floor. Bit more on size please - love that Arido section. SO COOL! - miniature dragon? Yes. Sign me up for that (middle grade?) book about a biped and their best friend dragon shape shifter fighting against the rigid rules of the Assembly! Or, screw it, I'll just go write that fanfiction - the first like eight paragraphs of S's POV are recap from the previous section and probably not needed. They slow down the pacing - the Eff's recap is excellent for starting a new book - the meeting with the Eff, however, doesn't seem to have a purpose? I think that slows the tension because I entered that room with S AMPED UP post Arido, hoping for another awesome nugget, but it led to nothing. Wouldn't mind a bit more tidbit - pg 17: I know this is just me, but I want so much more information and description about the mushrooms. I mean they eat them and build houses out of them and whatnot! Give me sensory overload! Colors, smells, shapes, I WANT IT ALL

Sneaking in just under the radar here... Overall While it had good emotional depth, this read more like a draft where the author is trying to figure out character interactions than an actual chapter. Especially as it is the first chapter in a book, it did not have any form of inciting incident, nor hint at plot direction. There were a ton of characters--probably okay since this is book two-- but that will make it hard for new readers to get into. Your questions 1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? No. There are far too many characters and the world isn't built up enough for me to simply invest in that. I was grounded marginally until the graduation ended, and then it felt like I was free falling. 2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter? This is a big question. I think it would be better to focus on the role and backstory of our MC here more than their convos with other people. 3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E? Yes, the mess part comes across. I don't know if family drama could be a subplot since there is no greater plot ATM. Family drama could be the main plot? 4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? Not yet, no. I don't have anything invested in E yet, either. An inciting incident in chapter one would help 5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" I think we may need more info on book one. If it was internally focused with the action being more emotional than physical, that's good to know going in. I felt like this chapter was 100% feels with no action, which made me antsy (that being personal preference, clearly). You could also internalize more feels and have less inner and outer dialogue. That might help. 6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? I was unclear what was happening any time after the graduation ended. This is a good point. If this is modern day Portland, birth control/condoms/etc are everywhere and most are free. Based upon @Mandamon's feedback, it looks like this chapter relies very heavily on past knowledge of book one. Some additional recap elements might need to be added to ground new readers. As I go - that first sentence is way too long and I can't parse it. Leading with the second sentence would be better. Much more punch - the side note is too much information. Give me more time with this demon hunting. I see that it is supposed to be a journal entry but it doesn't read like one--reads much more like author info dump. Maybe more conversational would be appropriate for a journal entry? - the 'description in the mirror' thing is pushing cliche, by current trends - this strikes me wrong: Granted, J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair. What are you trying to say here? - pg 4: I have not read PS, but I assume most who read this will have. As a new reader, I find there are too many characters too early. I still barely know anything about our MC, and would like the introductions a bit slower - pg 5: no sign of plot or a through line. It is hard not to skim - pg 6: bit let down that there is no inciting incident at the graduation - end of page 8: 'her' should be 'were' - pg 9: I'm floundering. I can't see a plot and there are so many characters. Unsure what the world is made up of, too. The only thing I had a clear sense of was the high school graduation - pg 12: trolls shouldn't be a proper noun unless you are referring to the movie?

I uh... can bring fungus?

Quite fair. This was still a draft here, and needed quite a bit of work. It continues to morph as it goes through editorial rounds now. Apologies that I couldn't sub a later version draft through here. Time was really short and, let's be honest, my early drafts are pretty trash.

I haven't gotten one yet either, but here's hoping! OH! I found out that the Kilkenny Arts Festival is during the same time we will all be in Ireland. Could be amazing to check out!

Yes, but I think it's seen as marginally less problematic, because at least you aren't othering the non-white characters. Not giving skin tone is lack of characterization. Only giving skin tone on non-white characters is implicit bias. I guess the take home is, more skin tones, please!

I think the not human part is clear noting the blue skin. My comment was more directed at the if you call out one skin tone, you need to call them all out. Otherwise we end up in white default land, which has some unfortunate implications. I do love blue skinned aliens though. Excellent trope.

Oooh, new POV! Overall Loved the new POV. I always did like that character. I think this chapter read pretty smooth. It could use some tightening in a few places, especially the first few pages, but once it got going it was an easy ready. There was lots of good tension in the council meeting and I loved the end--though that last line could go. There's plenty of punch to A assassins without R's reaction. More please! As I go - S thinking the being that went inside his mind erased his memories is unreliable narrator, yes? - Doesn't O already know about I/E thing? Why does it matter if people who already know they are Ar find out they have a mental connection? - But it only confirms statistical fact to admit that <--- this doesn't make any sense to me. There's statistical significance but not really statistical facts. All stats are open to interpretation - I'm glad someone thinks that universal translator mental download is creepy! - I think you should delete that last line. More punch without it

Overall It had good action and it grabbed me from the start, which was good. There are some blocking and characterization problems, and I really don't know what happened at the end. The twist of the friend (?) who wasn't blood covered didn't land because I don't know enough about any of the characters to figure out what their relationships are. Same here. I also didn't see any 'TK' references. I agree with this as well I think it has great potential, for sure. Blocking would be the first thing to tackle, I think, then characters. As I go - always write out numbers in fiction (a few exceptions do exist, but this is not one of them) - why does his blue skin make him stand out? What color skin does everyone else have? - Much blocking confusion on page 2 - why doesn't the knife stop her when a shot to the leg does? - I don't understand the ending

Sorry I'm late on this! I didn't have a lot of LBLs. I liked the opening to the first chapter, but then the rest felt like filler because the plot is still meandering. The second chapter had some promise, but then it ended up being about saving someone from drowning rather than the main plot itself. I'd really like to see more direct towards the main plot, or at least sequences where A finds their power while the plot moves generally in a house direction. It's good that A is learning how to use magic. Very good. I think it could be snappier or more plot-full though, instead of the sort of plod we are on now. It's definitely better than last time! Yes this. I don't see how saving the person is plot relevant, which makes me think it's filler, which makes me want to skim.