kais

Looking forward to meeting you, @Asmodemon!

I didn't have any real LBLs or as I gos for this. The technical writing aspect was just fine and it read smoothly. The really only feedback I had was that it felt like two distinct narratives. The first six pages were one, and the back pages were another. It started as a sort of Wayward Children feel but then in page six turned into a very heavy handed discussion. I'm actually surprised it went the way it did. Those first six pages seemed more like a critique on autism correction culture (noting the history of your work) which I was very interested in. Then the transition to the last few pages made the piece seem just a rant against PC culture and modern sensibilities, which I thought cheapened the experience. It took away the interpretive experience, which I had been enjoying. It made me uncomfortable only in those last few pages, because it became so heavy handed, and because there is a trend emerging in your work to tackle hard cultural elements with perhaps not as much nuance and understanding as would be generally expected. I suspect this is something that will improve with time, but the last few pages of this made me uncomfortable not due to the content, but because the message seemed to be too in-your-face and lacked a solid cultural critique. It was more 'this is what the author thinks' and less 'here are some issues to disassemble.' I'd be very here for a short with the first six pages. It went smoothly and and I liked the more nuanced approach that could be left to interpretation. My only real suggestion would be to get a consistent theme for the story, so it doesn't read so much like two narratives pushed together. Maybe two separate shorts?

Oh, cool idea! I've broken mine into three, because it has definitely evolved as I've moved into the professional writing world. 1) Before RE Pretty straightforward. I'd start with a pairing, usually. I tend to write relationships and build fantastical worlds around them. Figure out their entanglements, then build the world around them. I'd do a few chapters and send them to a group of alpha readers while doing the next batch of chapters. I've always been a discovery writer. Never been able to outline. This has not changed at all. I'd receive feedback, edit the chapters, then send out the next batch. Repeat until the book was done. Then I'd have someone with deep editorial experience and a much better background of speculative fiction (*cough* @industrialistDragon *cough) comb through it with me. Line by line, word by word, painstakingly getting it into a real draft. The first book I wrote had ten versions before I started submitting it to agents. 2) Finding RE I joined RE after my first revise & resubmit from an agent on my first book. I needed new eyes and a larger group that was actually critical, not just my friends who kept saying 'this is great!' (note, @industrialistDragon will never blow smoke up your rear about writing. Invaluable). I ended up turning down an agent in favor of small press for that book, but I stayed with RE to develop the last three in the series. For these, I drafted the entirety of book before beginning the submission process. Due to publishing timelines I never made it through a whole one, I don't think, but most issues in books are in the first half anyway. I'd submit a chapter, then do the edits to that while the next chapter was submitted, making a full new draft each week as the edits got streamlined into the new work. Still only discovery writing. 3) agented The fifth book I subbed through RE got me an agent. And that... is a very different world. It has changed how I interact with this forum and my entire drafting process. With agents, you have to pitch next books to them, not just write it and send it. They tend to want an editorial hand in developing the work, too. This meant that the book couldn't be completely drafted. I needed a strong first few chapters and a reasonable idea of where it was going without being married to the outcome. I trust RE a lot though, so I went ahead and subbed those chapters (as you've seen) without necessarily the full content they'd eventually have. It makes for a more disjointed narrative but at the same time, some feedback is better than none. My process will stay like this in the future. Sketch out the first few chapters, run them through RE just to make sure I've not run into some landmine, then it'll go to my agent. He likes a faster turnaround so likely I won't be able to do whole books through here again unless I'm working way ahead of him. Generally, my books take 7-8 drafts before they are ready to go to an editor. I usually have 2-3 more passes with a professional editor before copy and proofing and publication. I'm traditionally published with small and mid-sized presses (no big five...YET) and at this stage do about 3 books a year. As I become a better write the number of drafts are decreasing, and my first drafts resemble less of a dumpster fire. RE remains an invaluable resources in terms of people never afraid to call you on your bias and crappy plot devices, as well as great group of core friends who are all working through the publishing journey.

This is excellent and totally fine, but calling out only certain skin tones, particularly darker ones, is still a problematic othering issue. Brown default can still lead to colorism, which is something that doesn't get as much air time as racism, but is an issue nonetheless. It's fairly clear from the names that your characters are likely not all white. However, calling out one or two people in skin tone sets a very deep precedent for your world. You just need to be conscious of what you're doing. If racism and colorism are in-world, also fine, just make sure the narrative deals with it. Doing brown default would mean, to me, calling out lighter skin tones and not calling out darker ones, unless colorism is an in-world thing (which is also fine, just needs to be established). So like, so-and-so had skin the color of uncooked dough and piss-yellow hair, or something, to show the disdain (if you want) and clear othering of white people. This is just one of those things that the writing community, in particular, is really working to deal with. It doesn't work both ways because historic inequality, equity, and the continuation of white authors writing POC. It's like fridging--not cool if a male character does it to a female. If a female does it to a male? It's still kind of co-op literary device but it doesn't carry the same social weight. I don't think deleting all external appearance markers is the answer. Instead, here is a handy guide for ways to talk about these things in writing.

Overall The writing flowed really well in this and the chapter had good direction. I'm getting POV confusion at this stage, and I bounced hard off some elements below, but the actual construction of the story and plot, at least in this chapter, worked for me. I think this has been your strongest chapter thus far! I agree that this needs more developing. If she's using the resources she has to get ahead, fine. If she is a double agent, fine. Just.. not a sex object, and not a racially coded stereotype sex object in particular. As I go - another POV? Ehhhh - pg 1: a lot of telling still. I'd rather be shown that the boss wanted to get rid of E, not be told - with ebony skin and hair that she didn’t even try to tame. Issue 1) what color skin does E have? Does he have skin? Thus far skin tons are being routinely called out on people of color, leading to the problematic white default. Issue 2) 'wild hair' on a black person is problematic at best, and implicit racism at worst. Here is a great link that describes the problem and gives a few hundred ways around it. - Leaning back on his desk that way, every curve of her slender form was revealed to him. Objectification like this raises my hackles. If I were reading this in a bookstore I would put the book down now. It's not that characters can't act like this, but the narrative needs to refute the problematic actions. Thus far we have a black woman with wild hair being looked at like a sex object... and that's a real issue that needs addressing. - flirted with him like a woman with no shame Why would she have shame from flirting? Is flirting a crime in this world? - She only acted the way she did to see if she could fluster him. My concern here is that we're going to be told this, functionally in narrator voice, and the narrative isn't going to refute it or give her more complex motivations - pg 5: wait, hold on. He is some kind of telepath, and he taught other people this, and that made everyone stop doing crime? I need more information here. This seems way too important to be skimming over, especially with the population control aspect - Mar also does not appear to have skin - the bad boss is fat? Please, tell me he isn't the villain - pg 9: huh. Okay. I buy the kiss noting the lead up. She seems to be using sexuality to drive advancement, so it tracks - another POV. My head is spinning - C has skin! But we don't know what color - pg 11: calling C 'boy' is not the best, due to his whatever condition that keeps his mental faculties down - Jess also has no skin

SO EXCITED Overall I adored this. It's cleaned up near perfectly and it was a delight the whole way through. The only area I thought could use something is the very end. The last line doesn't have the kind of punch I was hoping for, since M's like just before it is killer. But other than that? Perfection. Please tell me we get the rest? As I go - pg 4: totally hooked. Love M, as always - pg 6: the voice through these pages is just fantastic - Great art always seemed to need rescuing from something or other. I just really love this. Sets the tone, the voice, and the plot, all in one go

Oooh! Final chapter! Overall I'm...confused, mostly. Is it being insinuated that the voice S hears is a three house magus (and that S also is) and also probably evil? If not, I don't know what the point is of any of the Mand stuff, since nothing ever seems to come of it. The conflict with Ril and the Life Coalition seemed to fizzle pretty fast and I think I missed some motivations somewhere, or maybe WRS. I'm not clear, looking back, what the arc was for this book. I know it needs to set up book three (set up established) but it also needs a narrative of its own, yes? It's that narrative that I can't see. Sa got to kiss (yay!) and E/I got to use their powers, and R is evil. These are all fine. If the arc is supposed to be the evolution of the apprentices then, it would make sense for the book to wholly focus on their evolution, and much less on Mand and various other POVs. I guess I'm not sure what this book gave me, in terms of closure. I have a lot of new questions but not too many answers. I think I might need something more substantial in terms of arc payoff. I'm still heavily invested in most of the characters, and I do love Sa's growth, but I need more meat, I'm afraid, before moving to the next course. As I go - pg 2: villains are a little mustachio-twirling here at the start - pg 3: where are all the Ari right now? - pg 5: was kind of hoping Sa might come out of the drain instead of the jello-monster - This Eff, BP, was an Ari like CV. Redundant. We already know this - pg 12: ah, the random voice from book one returns! - wait, how did the Ari get here? WRS? Weren't they all fighting? - I do like the E and I reunion. - For an extinct species, there sure were a lot of them. LOL! - well Re that...escalated quickly... - .... I'm still not entirely certain what Mand's purpose is in this book

Overall I think there is a very excellent adventure story in here. However the short reads more like a living outline that needs filling in. The events are there but the world building, the emotion, the interpersonal interactions are all heavily glossed over, to the point where I cannot gain any buy-in. I want more. More dialogue, more action, more thoughts, more reactions, more world. I think you have enough here for a novella, easily, if you put some flesh on the good bones of the story. As I go - After all that description and wonder, I'd like more reaction to the harpooning - We have to kill it! We haven’t got a choice anymore - I don't understand this. Haven't they already harpooned it? It's likely going to die now anyway so this line is confusing - “Someone once told me that a mage’s rings protected him from ghosts and the Folk of a Thousand Names.” - I'm more confused. This is a short story but it has a few too many elements. It's also pretty late in the game to be introducing more Large Named Magic Things. If the arc is to kill the serpent and heal the brother (?), then we are on track. If it's not, I've gotten lost along the way - pg 10: another quest? This is hard because I didn't really have buy-in for the first one, nor did I get a lot of tension from the reemergence of the brother. Stakes are missing and it's making it difficult to care about the characters and their journey. I think this might be a novella, not a short story. It needs time to breathe and emote and develop - pg 11: wait, the room is another room? Huh? - and J is... not J but I don't know who J is so this gotcha falls flat - why does she care so much about T's face brand? There hasn't been enough time in the story for them to befriend each other

This exactly. The issue isn't really the words so much, either, but narrative voice. It absolutely makes sense for Z to have swallowed a larger group narrative. And especially since this is an ownvoices story, working through it with the character is, really, ideal. The trick here is to make sure it is Z's voice we are hearing, and not narrator voice (even if narrator voice isn't your voice). At the easiest, this means showing her struggles, not being told about them, as this comes across as narrator more often than not. Writing ownvoices stuff is tricky. It's unfair, too, because your work often gets held up as THE narrative on a subject, especially if you are successful, but of course no one person's lived experience works for everyone. As always when writing, we have to think about how our work affects potential readers as well. Especially if we're writing for kids. We all have bias of course, even the marginalized, and so it is critically important to be able to interrogate those biases, even if they are around our own marginalization. For instance, the number of cis lesbians who cannot fathom trans women is a HUGE problem... and one that can come out readily in authorial voice in a narrative. I am absolutely thrilled to have an ownvoices autism narrative on here. I'm looking forward to reading more, especially about the soul lanterns!

Up for Monday if there's room

Much appreciated. I'm doubting my 'i like to stick metal into rapidly rotating wood and see what turns out' will be super applicable to the masses. Yes on the PM thread. A private room would be great if we could manage. I've never been to a WorldCon before so unsure what is possible.

Got mine too. I'm on a model making and sculpture panel (I do art sculpture, not model sculpture or cosplay sculpture so...), a post apocalyptic panel, a craft panel, and a gender panel. I feel qualified for one of those. One. Should be a ride!

Overall I was confused for the first half, as I thought it might be a reworking of chapter one since it had functionally the same plot. I realize now it's not, so I don't think chapter one is likely necessary. This delivers the same information and worldbuilding. I do like the head batteries and that part of the worldbuilding, but injury without consequence strips the tension from battles. If people can't get hurt, why fight? If there is nothing to lose, why not find a method of combat that does have stakes? In that same vein, hand battles with banter are... hard to do. This one went on too long and I didn't get any tension from it. I'd be more interested if one or both of them couldn't regenerate, or if she was working for the battery from the start so she was instantly vulnerable and then, when she lay dying, he gave her a battery and conscripted her into service or something akin. The buy in, which comes at the very end of the chapter, would serve better at the start. That was the hook I was looking for to tell myself why I cared about the characters. In the end, I think all the components are there, but they need some rearranging. As I go - pg 1: I don't think I've ever met a professor that dressed inappropriately for field work. The same cannot be said for undergraduates. Graduate students generally are pretty good about it though - pg 2: if she has to be signaled with a mirror due to distance, would the corresponding professor be able to see her solitary finger? - pg 4: I do love the line 'eat science' - pg 5: so at this stage I am confused. Is this a redo of the first chapter? It's following a very similar plot and once again people are battling death blows with no real damage (lowering tension) and I don't have any character buy-in. Why do I care about these characters? Why do their actions matter? What are the larger in-world stakes? - skimming now because I don't know enough about these characters to care about them fighting - pg 12: so.... she failed at her first job just to be offered another job of scaring villagers... but we don't get to know why because it is 'need to know?' This isn't enough to capture my interest, unfortunately. - the end cap buy-in is good, but too late, I think

Overall Oh wow. Very interested in this story and its development. I tripped over a lot of the ableist language but you can clean it up pretty easily. At this stage I think the two biggest issues are 1) voice--in that we are getting a lot of authorial voice and not so much Z's voice unless she's had some heavy indoctrination. And maybe she has! But since I haven't been shown that yet I'm doubtful. 2) showing. I'd like more showing and less telling. More description. More time to linger in feelings and smells. The part with the reveal of the demon is so cool and I want that coolness before and after, too. As I go - 'T is here.' I immediately started thinking of Terminator. - pg 2: 'Mother G stomped...' YES to this paragraph! Reset the default. Call out white skin tones. Perfection. - I'd like to see Z react to Gloom. Right now the reaction is pretty bland and so doesn't have impact. I want to feel what she feels! - pg 5: oh the kids aged way up in this chapter. Into it. - pg 6: +10 for autistic lead, -20 for broad, sweeping autism generalizations and ableism. This deserves some discussion so I'm going to LBL this area. Once the shock wore off, she was actually quite proud that she had put it together herself. Good foreshadowing. No issues. Z didn’t experience emotion like most people, ehhhh borderline. There's ableism creeping here. Prescriptive suggestion: Z experienced emotions differently than most people. and she had always had trouble reading social cuesas Papa called them. Papa had demonstrated different tones of voice and facial expressions for her over the years so Z would have an easier time recognizing them, but it was still hard--sometimes impossible. No issues. Very clearly autism coded without ableist language. Things that were obvious to others often times had to be explained to her in very straight forward terms before her mind made the right connections. 'Right' connections= ableist. Suggest instead: ...had to be explained to her....before her mind made the connection everyone else already had. Z wasn’t unintelligent and there was nothing wrong with her (Papa was very adamant about this). She could read and do maths better than anyone else her age. Nothing wrong with the wording but would rather be shown than told this. A nice memory here would work. But when it came to matters of the heart, she was woefully inept. This. This right here is what had me stop and back away. Autistic people are not inept at anything. They sometimes have comorbid issues that make life harder, such as sensory processing disorder, but autism itself is not a disability. A neurotypical brain focuses on social over analytical, and thus our societies tend to mirror that. As people skew more towards analytics, social gives. The brain is kind of like pie in that way. Only so many pieces. For many autistic people, the pie is more analytic than social, but that doesn't make the pie any less delicious. A peach pie and an apple pie are both great, just different flavors. So Z is not inept. She is different. Her brain has different priorities. A better line would be: But when it came to matters of the heart, everyone else spoke a different language OR, if we want to be really REALLY in Z's voice, But with emotions of the heart, no one made any sense. Writing an autistic POV is awesome. Just make sure that you are really showing an autistic POV, and not a neurotypical understanding of an autistic POV. Autistic people tend to find non-autistic people absolutely confounding, and that would be great to see here. As it stands we are getting authorial voice. It's compassionate but ableist, and that's not doing Z's character any favors. - She let the words trail off. Any time she heard fascination in her own voice, she had to be careful lest she accidentally say something insensitive. Suggest instead: ...lest she say something that offended. There was seldom anything behind her words, but people unnecessarily read into every little thing.

Overall I don't actually have any grumbles about this chapter. The pacing was great, the tension held, and I had a deep sense of wonder through it all. Mand's timeline does work, although the middle snippet might make it drag a bit longer than needed. I'm still not convinced his POV is necessary in this book, although I think he'd make a great constant epigraph. I really liked S's part and how he has grown. I definitely wanted more of that. E's is sort of meh right now because I am still trying to feel out the Ari and their 'brutal nature' which remains slightly concerning to me (I know you already have notes about that so I won't belabor the issue). I also still picture them like Odo's people from Star Trek, but with claws. I want to know what is coming through the Drain!!! As I go - pg 4: I like the explanation of why they call it dimensional tearing a lot - pg 9: oooh, I like the idea of this whatever being stolen - pg 14: yes, keep reminding us of S being backing into a pillar. HERE FOR IT

I'm back home and in for tomorrow sub as well. Looks like there's lots of space. Woo!

There's some decent expertise on the board in these areas, so don't feel bashful about asking questions in the lounge or wherever. It's almost always better to ask questions first, then write, than to write and have a bunch of us go o_O' Good luck. It's a brave new world you're embarking into!

Overall Well the tension is there, and I thought the blocking worked well. I'm left confused by the motivation for all this killing, and I think the world needs to be a bit better established before we go about destroying it. A lot of new words came at me that I didn't have time to internalize before another set came, so I'm left with this sort of vague world flavor that I couldn't begin to describe, and then very strong, negative feelings about the protag who appears to be a sociopath. To have killed that many named women in an intro chapter, too, is going to read pretty rough so the following chapter would really need to hammer back against that. With all that said, I really liked the magic and the description of the action was awesome. I got a hint of the flavor of Summerland This was also my problem. He acts really unhinged and no one really reacts to that. Then he basically kills his daughter and he doesn't react. More reacts, please This is an excellent summation of my issues as well. Your Questions How do you feel about the conflict? Why? I don't understand the why of the conflict, but the actual action is great and elicits a lot of emotions. I need better motivation, though. Is what I’ve written is interesting? What about it (if anything) is interesting to you? If not, why? Yes, I'm interested. I'm concerned about the mass death of the women, the heavy, adamant MEN AND WOMEN ONLY subtext, and that I'm not sure what is going on, but the magic system is cool and I do love a good sociopath villain. What questions does this makes you ask (if any)? If the answer is no, why? My questions at this stage are: 1) what the heck is going on 2) is there a reason the narrative is so strongly enforcing a binary gender/sex system. It's so strong that it makes me wonder if it will be subverted later, like it is being purposefully stated over and over to establish this element that isn't true. I should add here that I don't actually care if the world is super binary. It's fantasy, and it's your world, you do you. It's just the constant repetition of it seems either 1) foreshadowing or 2) weirdly political Is there anything you feel I do well? If nothing, how can I improve? The pacing was great! Is there anything you feel I do poorly? If nothing, what can I strengthen? Emotions, reactions, worldbuilding need work. Quite frankly I think the 'EMOTE MORE' crit could just be copy/pasted into every crit we do on this site. @industrialistDragon always tells me to 'emote for the cheap seats,' which I find to be very useful. Most importantly, does this intrigue you enough to want to continue reading? Yes. Even picking this up cold in a bookstore I would move to chapter two. I don't generally like epic fantasy, and there's some warning signs for me in this prologue, but there were enough women and good characterization (to a point), and cool magic system, that I would move to chapter one to see if the world more firmly establishes and if female characters pop back into prominence and stay alive. As I go - pg 1: I think it would be a stronger start without the dialogue line at the front - Every woman, every man, every child <--- bonus: the enbies live! (this is a fantasy world so this isn't a crit at all, just me being funny) - pg 4: I'd like to note that while I generally do not like most epic fantasy, since it tends to come with far too many wandering, chosen one men for my liking, I'm pleased by the gender ratio thus far - pg 6: I am engaged but don't actually know what is happening. I think I've had too many new words thrown at me without enough context. So I'm in a 'WOW IS HE EVIL??' mode while also going 'wait what now?' - pg 9: okay this guy better be evil because after whatever soul crushing thingamajig he did, to call her a 'pretty face' makes me want to fight - pg 10: the constant referral to man, woman, child is actually starting to wear on me at this stage. Does the lack of other genders and sexes need to be pointed out quite so much? Is it plot relevant? - pg 11: wait, he just let his daughter die? Cannot suspend disbelief here. He should have told those two to do their magic and not die. This seems very unrealistic

Overall I really like the concept of this chapter, and I see where it is going. I do love a good moral grey issue, and this is, I mean wow do those people not have their moral compasses aligning. What I would have liked was more tension. When the drain didn't act like it was supposed to, I needed more wonder and emotion. Same as when they were running, I couldn't really feel anyone's fear. The end of the chapter fell flat for me because I wasn't afraid, so instead of building tension with 'weird symphony and now people coming OH NO' it was more 'here is a mildly interesting occurrence and one person is going to come and probably chat.' I think another pass through with emotions would go a long way to helping things. I'm still not clear what our R apprentice role is in all this, or why he is a POV, but he's entertaining enough and so I'm good to go with him. I'd love to reread this chapter with more emotion, since I think it would keep the tension up in these last few chapters and really drive the end home. I agree that this needs addressed. It didn't bother me so much because I assumed that they assumed she was elsewhere, but it did also occur to me, too, that they would be killing E in the process. So even one throwaway line about how 'E wouldn't be here so we don't have to worry about her' would be good As I go - I really like the epigraph on this one - I think it might be a stronger chapter start with starting with 'The other side of the portal' paragraph - pg 3: you've got some redundancy on R wondering why R is taking the lead - pg 3: lol @ 'legendary whatsit of whocares' - pg 7: did no one speak in this fight? It seemed very quiet and I don't think most fights are quiet? - pg 14: well there is some heavily morally grey stuff happening here. Very interesting - pg 18: 'insane' is part of a group of mental health words that are becoming increasingly unused, especially in fiction, for being ableist. This is a fairly new movement, so just mentioning it.

Overall Pacing wise it's fine and I'm interested enough in the western/greek crossover to read more. What I do think it needs is more stakes/buy in, because I don't know why I care about they hydra hunt. Why are they doing it? Are hydra a problem? Do they need money? Is this a coming of age thing? I'd also like more description, especially of the people. I have no idea what most look like other than Beer Belly. The final battle was fun and I liked the elixirs, although I'll caution that you're playing with a fridging trope, though you've reversed it, but just be aware that it's there (though not necessarily problematic since, again, reversed). If you're going to maybe pursue publication with this, I'd like to suggest Silver on the Road for an amazing western with dark magic, and then maybe a rewatch of the Battlestar Galactica reboot. I agree with @Mandamon that some more worldbuilding is needed to establish where we are. It reads maybe like the wild west but Greek mythos, but then sometimes feels like we are in Greece. I think a clear delineation, time stamp, and world stamp would go a long way. I did enjoy it for the most part! As I go - that first paragraph is really adjective heavy - pg 1: 'man pot-bellied man' typo - pg 2: 'hades with that' feels forced and clunky - pg 3: why was it coated with hemlock oil? What information does this provide? I'm confused - pg 4: lot of god curses here, and it seems weird. From what I understand of Greek culture, people worshipped one or two, not the whole pantheon. So I'd assume that curses would be involved with the gods opposite the ones they worshipped (or the ones in conflict), not just randomly selected - pg 7: did the Greeks care about using god names in vain? I think that's a Christianity thing - pg 7: I'm not certain what the point is of killing this thing. I need a through line or stakes in order to get invested - pg 9: rifle bow is a crossbow, is it not? Didn't they have those in ancient China? I don't think it's a wild west thing - pg 13: ewwww but also cool the arm regrowing - fascinating reverse fridging.

Overall Generally, I like the story. The pacing worked for the most part and once I got the motivation, the story went well. However, I would like a lot more description, as I don't really know what anyone looks like, and that motivation piece needs to be on page one or two. The story also is a tad generic, and so I wonder what makes it stand apart? Why should people read this sea monster story and not, say Into the Drowning Deep? What makes this story stand out? What is unique about it? Definitely interested enough to read part II though. As I go - pg 1: the sea monster is a decent hook, the taverns are not. Maybe invert the first paragraph? - pg 5: the wonder of the sea monster chase was enough to get me through the first five pages, but now it's hard not to skim. I want to know why our lead wants to find this monster, and what the stakes are - pg 7: the 'don't want to sleep with you' line was the first time I got any sense of voice from the protag - pg 9: I don't know what the gambling here adds to the story. It slows down the tension. I want to get to the sea monster! - pg 11: so protag wants to see the serpent because excitement? That's it? - pg 12: AH the motivation finally! This comes far too late in the story. In order to get a hook and reader interest, this motivation needs to be MUCH sooner

Overall The tone is still fairly generic and I don't know what the through line is still. It's hard to keep from skimming, looking for a hook. I enjoyed the end but I'm still not invested enough in the characters to really know what is going on. The voice is inconsistent and sometimes the characters read 6, or 8, or 16. It makes me think there are a lot more characters, and then I realize it's the same ones, just differently written. I think reading this out loud might help get the voice consistency down. Like the others, I want more description and more emotion. There wasn't any real reaction to the leg breaking and I still don't really know what anyone looks like or what their motivations are. Just some stuff to consider for the next round. Hoorah! Crits are hard to take but wow, do they help writing get better! As I go - pg 1: I don't think lists are a very strong way to start a chapter. They're not a good hook, generally - pg 7: so they have magic but can't fix broken bones? That seems plot convenient - I forget how old these characters are supposed to be, but the voice is tracking very young--too young to be in military service. 11 at the oldest - pg 11: L reads older here, maybe more like 16 or so, so voice not super consistent - pg 17: ah, decent twist there at the end!

Playing catch up Overall Generally, I was really confused. There were a lot of themes and voices and I'm not really sure what the through line was supposed to be. You might consider reading this out loud and see if you can follow it spoken. I'm not really sure what to suggest since I don't know what your goals were for this piece. I agree with the others about the lack of focus and think you should pick just one or two themes to carry through the piece. I'd be very happy to read a revised version. Agree completely As I go - pg 1: might be a copyright thing with using 'padawan' - pg 3: okay I don't know who is talking anymore. There's a woman, a robot(??) and a memory? - pg 4: wait so the robot is also her doctor? I am so confused - pg 6: so she is in a cave to get a magic thing to do science on, and she killed her brother???? - pg 7: she died at the end?

Trying to play catch-up Overall I thought this was a delightful chapter. It could be fleshed out some, especially in terms of descriptions, but I loved the voice. I do not think, however, the voice is that of a 14 year old girl. It rings closer to eight or so maybe nine if you pushed it. Fourteen definitely not. Puberty changes a ton. However, if this age is particularly relevant and children age differently (and mature differently) in this world, that just needs to be established up front. I'd love to know more about soul lanterns immediately, since they are the major hook for me right now. As I go - that first paragraph really sets the stage and tone and I love it - pg 2: at first I was going to comment that the voice was pretty young but then I saw fourteen as our protag age. I think the voice is still more 6-8ish, but not as off as if she was 25 or something - pg 2: caution on the use of the word 'crazy,' which is being reconsidered especially in the literary world for ableist connotations - pg 5: she's being treated more like 8ish here by the grownups, too. I'm curious about the soul lantern things. Most coming of age icons tend to center around puberty, so our protag would be well beyond the start of that. If this is following a more '16' as coming of age it would be fine but that might have to be established early just because the puberty coming of age is such a trope in fantasy that I think most would automatically assume it - pg 5: 'my little avocado' BAHAHA love it - pg 7: so here's another instance. A 14 year old girl would almost never think of herself as a 'child.' An 8 year old might, a six year old def would. The voice skews consistently in that 6-8 range so you might think about changing the age of your protag - pg 8: 'hell' should not be capitalized - pg 11: it occurs to me at this point that I have no idea what anyone looks like - pg 12: 'their chins were literally on the floor' this voice is more 11-ish - pg 13: I think this demon (or the more evil magic element it represents) should be hinted earlier. Right now it seems out of place and random - pinky swears are very pre-puberty

I've had a family emergency come up so I'll be MIA for a bit. I'll get to the remaining crits as soon as I can. Sorry for the delay.