kais

Wow I...missed a party it looks like. Overall Mostly I'm confused as to the whys of this piece. Why did they have to go kill the witch? I think we are missing some critical worldbuilding, especially along the lines of the religion and magical systems of the world. I didn't feel any real tension because I was never afraid of the witch, and felt more confusion about her condemnation than anything else. Two men and a familiar again a witch who seems more scientist doesn't seem quite fair, especially when she never actually attacks them. I'd like to see more agency on her part, and more worldbuilding all around. The religion theme confuses me, but I think mostly because it seems strongest at the end and somewhat shoehorned in. I think the worldbuilding add on could definitely use some background on the religions in the world and what our MCs follow. It would help the ending land better. As I go pg 2: these first two pages are very strongly in the voice I'm used to from your other work--where in the woman with the black hair has a similar voice to many other characters I've read from you. However, the first two installments the characters had unique voices, so I'm wondering if this is just an early draft issue and her voice will get changed later? - pg 4: I am unclear what anyone is talking about in these pages. They found a witch and they want her to... stop doing something? And she doesn't care? - pg 6: I need more worldbuilding to get behind the disgust at experimenting on human corpses. Why is this a problem in this world? It needs more background, especially since this isn't a universal human experience (as in, I don't think you'd have to world build it so much if she was disembowling children alive or something) - pg 7: they were under contract to find this woman and see what she was doing? Ahh. Okay that probably should be very clear from page one. If it was, I think must have been too buried. I also don't know why she needed to be found and looked in on. Are her creations killing things? Maybe WRS? - pls 6-9 seems to be rehashing the same murdered/not murderer philosophy over and over. You could easily condense them down to one page I think - I dislike P. He just de-armed a person who wasn't even remotely threatening. he's mad at her for using dead people for experiments but he has no moral qualms with just killing her? - pg 14: wait, what happened to the witch? She was dead but her consciousness can hop bodies? Is that right? - pg 15: the witch's powers appear to be mostly plot devices and/or author devices. I need to know the boundaries of her magic before I can understand stakes. But speaking of that, the witch's not-death is one of those hallmarks of your writing, wherein people die then don't die. I know we've talked about this before but it really kills tension when people get all these horrible injuries but don't die. I think it might be more fun to actually have her die, and then have them discuss morality on the way out (do they kill her centipedes? What about her franked-people? That'd be cool to read) - pg 16: is there a reason a fairly direct line from Psalms in the King Jame's bible is in here? - pg 18: so... why could they kill the witch this time and not last time? - I don't think there's been enough set up for the ending line

They're one of the mid-sized small presses, with a pretty decent rap. I get review copies of their books a lot, and they seem to have some decent distribution.

I'm not technically late because it isn't technically Monday yet. So...HAH! Overall Much enjoyed! Loved getting to see some of the animals finally, and some action, and our heroes coming together. Only a few notes, and one longish one on queer culture we can get into more if you'd like. Thanks for a fun read! Now let's get to the bottom of things and go kill some dinosaurs! I had this same issue Did I miss something? Was their open enrollment and I missed it?? As I go - pg 3: WRS? Do we know who MC is yet? The Old Man was a bluff, right? - pg 4: Wait! I’ll show you I’m good <-- for some reason I read this first as Wait! I'll show you a good time! and thought, wow, this sure has taken a surprising turn! - what is a nano-zip? - pg 5: likely more WRS but why are they talking about E joining the agency? - pg 6: will forever love the 'priceless princess' t-shirt - pg 8: loving this early action! Very interested in why the things went right for Mo, too! - pg 11: I'm a little disappointed there isn't a touch of internal monologue from Q about E being T's lover and therefore maybe not into men and therefore maybe not into him. I think the thought process would be hilarious, noting how full of himself Q can be sometimes - pg 11: uh, so was M given a shotgun or....??? - pg 12: wouldn't Q be immediate with the why didn't the dinosaurs eat your face?? He just seems very calm - pg 13: I thought it might just be gays they had no taste for.” <-- okay so, love this line, but .... Q is pretty bi. E should pick up on this, I'd think. Gaydar is a real thing. At the very least Mo should have a comment about it - You heard when I said I was gay, right?” <-- why does this need reinforced? It's part of her character to be uncomfortable with her homosexuality, but Q wasn't making a pass at her with the vegan comment, right? If he was, I'd think it'd be more, "I only eat out, and when I do, it's only vegans," or something like that - pg 13: These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment. <-- I would very nearly punch someone in the face if they said that to me after I came out to them. It's cool if Q is very sexuality fluid, but not validating someone else's identity is not cool. This is actually a big point of contention in the queer community, especially several years back. It's a generational breakdown issue, too, where the younger millennials tend to identify as without an identity, simply 'queer,' where older ones, Gen Xs, Boomers, etc., fought hard for those identities to be taken seriously and to be able to say them out loud. The whole 'okay but just love the person not the genitalia' is currently being tossed around by some trans activists and (right or wrong, this isn't the place to have the discussion) and it's another one of those identity/sexuality/gender issues that's just... very complex and intersectional. I guess what I'm saying is, it sounds like Q is saying 'yeah, you say you're gay but you could make a different choice later,' which makes me very much not like him. It's too close to 'you're a lesbian? But have you tried being with a man? Maybe you just haven't met the right one?' - pg 13: oh good! Looks like M will get a shotgun!!

Just under the ole wire! Overall This piece seemed to lag in places. I think it was too dialogue heavy without enough setting or motivation. A lot of the first few pages could be condensed down into one, and I think you rehash a lot of the same discussion material several times. Might be worth a cleaning pass to see what could be trimmed, and where you could sneak in some worldbuilding and character fleshing out (that isn't in dialogue form). Completely agree I had this same issue This was also my problem. I still don't know what the stakes are or the motivations, so it's still hard to get invested. As I go - you've got a lot of passive voice in those first few lines. Switching to active here at the start would probably help - pg 1: forbidding people to hate cannot possibly actually keep people from hating - pg 3: why did he just get introduced as a witch? I thought he wasn't a witch. That's what the whole first page established, yes? - pg 4: this is a ton of dialogue on who is going where and doing what, in which no one moves - pg 6: I feel like everything that has happened to this point could be condensed into a single page. I'm not quite sure where any of this is going. It is...dialogue heavy and detail light. - pg 8: I have no idea what is going on. There's a lot of banter about what kind of witch/seeker one of the characters is, and they bought some stuff at a shop. I want to know where this is going, however, or what/who I should be investing in - pg 10: more confusion. Why did the shop keeper sell them a bottle of alcohol that wasn't? What was the motivation of the shop keeper? - the clock tower just sort of appears out of nowhere. I need more description of this town when they enter it - pg 11: tracks? what kind of tracks? animal tracks? train tracks? - pg 11: they have bioluminescent fungi torches?? Uh, can you please describe them? Because that is so cool - pg 12: LOL Princess Bride reference. It sort of changes the tone, though - pg 14: “Hopefully, that woman didn’t make more of these things <-- who what now? The seller didn't make more... keys in oil disguised as alcohol? Why would she? That's a terrible way to get repeat clients. - pg 16: are they walking while they do all this talking? Or are they just standing around some dead rat carcassas (sp?) and rehashing witches again? - pg 16: wait, there are tunnels now? Are they no longer in a town? - pg 17: It's confused enough to kill them, so instead of helping it be less confused, they have to kill it? Why isn't taming it an option? - I do like the idea of a giant centipede

The nutrients are all in the feathers!

I just made porg pie. Feeling very smug. It was supposed to be a Death Star crust but... alas.

Jealous! I would also love to go but I'll likely be in Toronto in August 2020.

Unsurprisingly late, but here! Overall I like the emotional beats with M but mostly I'm confused. WHO is the caller? Why do they have all this information that is so plot convenient? Why isn't E more frantic? Why are they still traveling? I'm very ready at this stage for some resolution, and aside from the emotional beats we just aren't getting it. I like the flow and pacing, but think it should have come a bit earlier. Or we could watch a live attack too! That would sate for a chapter! I had similar feelings to this. If the MC was trying to get Q to think it was TOM, but we still don't know who it is, we are left with no resolution in this late stage chapter. I'm still engaged and very curious! I just want more meat now that we are near the end! As I go - pg 5: wait, the son is back in the picture? From nowhere almost it seems - pg 8: I don't understand the birthday talk. New century? Number with a two in front of it? They aren't talking about her age, right? - pg 12: I'm still antsy. Why are they still traveling? GO DO THE THINGS! although I did enjoy the emotional beats - pg 14: wait so...Mystery person knows where T is...how? For how long? It seems plot convenient - I don't under stand the end. Was it the Old Man? Or no?

I didn't get anything either

Overall I thought the characters were pretty fine for a draft. They are distinct, especially the little dragon thing, and their voices are all a bit different from other characters of yours I have read. So I had few quibbles with that. The story, however, I'm not clear on. It read like a giant worldbuilding dump and I don't know what the actual plot is, the arc, and it lacks an inciting incident. I think this might be more world build wander writing, which I do a ton, and in a final draft could probably be much trimmed back. As I go - you've got a double 'yet' in the second sentence - pg 2: the wolf can smell the meat in a pan? Like, specifically that it's in a pan and not a skillet or a pot? Or a spit? - redundancy on 'little' on page three - pg 4: he gets clothes when he transforms? Interesting. I have questions - pg 6: 'Old Grown Tree' I really want to be something like... tree specific. Like something a tree would call another super cool tree. Like... Maple at the Tree Line or Nurse Log of the Forest. But I realize these are... super nerdy. - pg 8: I was fine until the 'you can tell me about All Cracked..." because this is the place I would expect plot to start, and instead its more worldbuilding backstory - pg 13: I do like the 'male' part before witch. It catches my attention - pg 16: still really wondering what the plot arc is - pg 17: too much worldbuilding. I can't keep it all straight

ETA: LITERALLY THE SECOND this post went through, it popped up in my email! Argh, another sub that didn't come through. @aeromancer could you send me your sub directly? @Silk or @Robinski any thoughts on why subs seem to not be coming through to me? It's sporadic, and they're not in my junk mail or anything. This is the second time now. Thanks in advance for the help!

Great minds think alike????

I WILL BE FIRST THIS TIME!! Overall I'm excited for action, though once again it's not resolving anything, just moving characters around the board. I'd have liked a bit more resolution occurring, I think, even among the E line. The action was good! Some blocking confusion and I need more on their random savior helicopter but it was nice to get some shoot em up action. Q jumping off of K's back was a delight. But generally, yes, would like this to go somewhere with some at least minor plot resolution. It feels like all Q&M do is move around the game board. As I go - pg 3: T-O-M? Is that the old man? - pg 4: decide if he was enjoying the contact a little too much <--- ahhh love - pg 5: E's message seems...weird? Not consistent with last chapter? Why would she ever say she'd give up? - pg 6: oh so the message is a red herring? - pg 9: reached out an hammered I<-- missing 'd' on and - pg 10: serving xir with <--- Xir who? Missing a name I think? It's Q and Mor and they're...chasing a nonbinary person. Excellent. But who? - pg 12: the blocking here could use cleanup. I'm not sure how Q got... under something? A car? There's helicopters though, yes? And how did M get away with 80? - pg 14: wait, who are the twins? - pg 15: okay so, another helicopter came in and had one of those dangling ladders like in 50s movies, and they all got a hold? Or no, harness...what does it look like? I think I'll need it described. I'm having a hard time with that scene - pg 16: did Q get shot then? Why is he in pain?

Overall I thought E was a bit off kilter this chapter, in terms of her decisions. I think I had some WRS and maybe also some confusion, although I do like her strong decision to take Mor down. The other two chapters were interesting but not anything that hooked me, but I did like the information and thought they moved at a reasonable pace. I think you could up the flirting and noticing with E and the boat captain a bit to showcase what is going on. I feel like we were told and we could have very, very easily been shown....but I realize you might not be as up on how lesbians flirt to have included that. Let me know if I can help! It's all in the eyes.... I'm inclined to agree with this. I'm also confused with his motivations. I like his very eeeeevil nature, but I still don't know why other than being a rampant misogynist and homophobe. I was also concerned about this! As I go - pg 3: he splashed water on his face while in the car? Didn't that get him and his seat wet? - pg 3: They couldn’t find their wiener in a hamburger joint <--- LOL - pg 4: There’s some of weird crap going on up there <--- missing a word in there? - pg 5: LOL at the VD joke - pg 6: is there supposed to be a space in this? MacGillacuddy - pg 8: the animal on animal play by play is a touch confusing. Might be WRS. I'm trying to remember the specifics of each and what they do, and its all getting a bit jumbled. And I want to understand, because the GMO animals are such fun and having watched Jurassic Park in my formative years, velociraptors give me all kinds of shivers - pg 10 and around: there are a lot of random italics in these pages - pg 11: oh, there's an ex wife complication! I'd wondered! - pg 12: She was no survivalist, not in these heels<--- HAH so true - pg 13: WRS? How did E get away from the animals? I don't remember - pg 14: F---. So, it’s true?<--- suggest deleting 'so it's true?' since it that part kind of kills the importance of the f-bomb - pg 16: I'm not convinced she'd flip on her lover like that. Think about, it sure. Lesbians are nothing if not deeply in love with thinking and talking about emotions, but I have a hard time with her settling on that after such a short thought process. Also it makes me think less of her. If grief and love drove her this far, grief and love would rose color any of T's actions, rationality irrelevant - pg 17: wait, back on T again? Hadn't she convinced herself T was part of the problem? I'm confused - pg 21: I had to wait until the last line on the last page to get an idea of what decision she had actually made. Her choice of where to go might have been too oblique? Or maybe that's WRS?

I have generally found that if the panel is related to your books, being on the panel helps a lot. So like, when I do queer themed panels, sales skyrocket. If it's just science world building, I see no results. I would not table at a con twice in a row with no new books. You don't make much at all. And if you didn't earn back cost the first time, I'd scrap the con entirely. Find a bigger one, or wait until you have a few more books. I do very well at cons, generally, but there is one in particular I know I will lose money at. I go because I like it, and my friends go, and we have a good time regardless. If that is the reason you want to attend the con, do it! But if you're going to make money, just scrap it. Not worth your time.

@Robinski I didn't get your sub for some reason. Could you resend it to my email directly? Thank you!

This is me, horribly late! Overall Good action. good progression. I liked this a lot! Some lesbian culture notes below, because I have to earn my keep somehow. I'm quite happy to keep reading and want to see the reunion of my favorite action adventure lesbian couple. Same here. I think we definitely need more about Mor's motivations, more clearly spelled out. I seem him as just a generic villain right now. As I go - pg 4: LOL @ 'apologies for eyebrows' pg 6: needs more dialogue tags. I'm confused in a number of places as to who is talking - pg 6: NOT CANADIAN TIRE!!!! - pg 7: I like that Mor keeps using E's name. Very power play - pg 9: Dyke's intuition. Hmm. Okay, I see what you are going for here. It pinged me weird but I'm trying to think what I would use in its place. I think I'd make a 'gaydar' joke and try to turn it into 'lesbo-dar' or something. The word dyke is a reclaimed slur, yes, but it has a certain use to it. I would use it when talking to another lesbian as something like: "yeah but she was dressed really really dykey" or I would use it to make a straight guy uncomfortable after he hit on me, like "you're barking up the wrong dyke tree." The word itself is used only really by lesbians about 35 and up right now. It's rather outdated and old. It places your character in a distinct reference point, which is why I think I bounced off it. This is the future and I have to wonder if that slur is still reclaimed or has morphed into what is more common now, which is just yelling GAYYYYYYYYYYYY any time something even remotely queer comes across one's radar. I think actually 'queer intuition' would do exactly what you want it too, and would make a lot more sense, if you were open to it - pg 11: yes, nothing could possibly go wrong with velociraptors on the loose. NOTHING AT ALL - pg 11: isn't she angry and upset? Why does she keep noting the chiseled exterior of Mor? Also his long legs? Would choose something more derogatory like 'ostrich legs' or something - pg 12: 'budget didn't even stretch to beige" BAHAHA - pg 15: ah yes, see if Mor is going to use 'dyke' here, then it doesn't work from her end as a reclaimed slur. Queer continues to be my suggestion for E - pg 18: wait, she doesn't care that her hole will let the cheetah things free??

I could be convinced. Easily.

That's amazing! Sorry I've been MIA, everyone. But back from NY now. Going to catch up on crits and then beta reader edits! SO MANY THINGS. Also just got copy edits back on the dandelion short for the anthology, which comes out early next year, and my next nonfiction book just got through layout. I think 2020 will be very busy!

My work here is clearly done.

Overall Generally I thought this was a solid chapter. The ending was punchy and our two timelines came together finally. I'm...antsy though. This far into the book and I'm wanting more direct action, I think. Maybe it's that I feel like the narrative should be moving faster at this point, or building faster, or something like that. I actually think that might have helped things. If we had an E chapter right before where she found human bodies, that would really amp the tension and give her convo with Q&M more weight, and then this chapter would have more of that punch I was hoping for. As I go - pg 5: oooh, second kill site! - pg 6: outwith <-- typo - pg 13: I appreciate the M introspective here - pg 13: Quack <-- typo? - pg 14: Maybe she did need Q to save her, but not in the way he thought. He didn’t need to actually do anything really. Just be there and listen, like he seemed to be able to with other people, but somehow not her, not yet. <-- this seems out of character for M. More like Q's views being imposed on her. It's not that she wouldn't have this thought necessarily, but more the way it is presented - pg 14: happy to run us to back <-- ?? - pg 14: Would M know the Blues Brothers reference? It's hilarious though. If she doesn't get the reference, I think that needs to be a bit more apparent - love the ending!

Overall I think this chapter needs more meat on its bones. It has a lot of blocking confusion, and needs more emotion and description. Additionally, the ending left me feeling cheated since they did quite a bit and then everything disappeared. I feel like there has been a fair amount of that in this book, lead up with no gains, and so it's starting to be a bit irritating in terms of wanting to stay invested in the characters. Yes, I agree on this as well I also thought this Ah yes this! I was thinking this too. As I go - pg 1: collecting ticks? Instead of the poison ivy? - tension is very short lived on page one. I think this scene here could be better described and drawn out - pg 2: oh no, the ivy is still a thing. So what is with collecting ticks? - WRS: who is Ben? - pg 5: expected a little more emoting over finding mom - pg 6: deep blocking confusion here. I don't understand what is where and what is going on. How did our MC lose their sword? Didn't they have it on page one? Now they have to grab it? What all is flying? Who is in the room? What does the room look like? What does Mara-ghost look like? - Lot of build up for having everyone disappear

Overall I thought this was a very engaging chapter. Splitting the POVs off at this point makes sense, and I am invested in all of them enough to be okay with it. I think it is a good place to broaden out the world and I'm excited now to explore it from several different perspectives, whereas originally all the POVs just caused fatigue because I didn't care about anyone yet. I'm looking forward to reading more of this! I agree with all this. Middles are hard, but I think you can make this work for sure. As I go - pg 3: wait, her mom is on the train? I'd expect a lot more reaction here, because I just assumed they'd all been left behind or killed. Isn't Z the only one they actually care about? - pg 4: wait, why does she have scars on the inside of her thighs?? - pg 4: wildly curly hair that looked like Z’s when she didn’t take care of it or brush it every single day <-- should be edited. has a bit of implicit bias around black hair being wild or unruly or in need of taming - pg 8: I like the explanation of battle mages! - pg 9: wow this uh, sort of mental memory rape the guy is doing is not okay. I'd like to see Z panic a bit more here - pg 15: was not just clowork, but an entire factory <-- typo on 'clockwork' - I like the ending!

Congratulations on the promotion @hawkedup!

Overall I think the first 3-4 pages could be readily cut/condensed to get to the meat of the story, which is the talk with Mor and then being picked up by the family. The internal monologues I think might be vestigial, in that they helped you get a feel for time and place and character, but are redundant for the reader at this stage. I liked the conversation with Mor and knowing M has a secret is fun. I liked the scene in the camper/van thing as well. Q's sudden paternal side is adorable and the advice he gives to the young boy is great. So this chapter, like several others before it, I think is just too exposition-y, too long, and not enough forward plot momentum, although there is more in this one than some others! As I go - the recap in the first few pages made me want to skim. It would have been fine at just a page I think, to get a flavor for Q's POV, but I felt like it dragged - the internal monologue about M on pg 5 I think should be part that stays, because it's new information and gives us a deeper look at Q's personality - pg 9, missing word: I know YOU wouldn’t want to hurt your daughter - pg nine: Four dark-skinned faces <--- ehhhhhh have we reliably been getting skin tones on everyone else? Could you use a bit more descriptive language? - pg 11: frizzy hair <--- suggest something like thick, wavy, hair was in puffs (which is what pigtails that are round are called) - pg 12: unclear what happened with the business card. Q gave a card to the boy? Why? - pg 13: warring on her pale features <--- This should have come earlier, otherwise we default. But also I think you are setting up the assumption that this is a big-hearted (white) woman who adopted black children, therefore she would help even a strange man on the road with his daughter and not assume that Q was a pedophile or a human trafficker (both of which would potentially be more likely, but this IS Canada, where people tend to assume better of other humans). It might be worth it to go through that internal monologue because A) you already have a ton and B.) I think it would then make the marginal bias here Q's and not so much narrative. For help with the descriptions, here is a great guide. The link is for skin tones, but they have a page on writing about black hair, eyelid folds, etc.