kais

As I go I don't have a lot of detailed comments, but I'm left wondering what the arc and purpose was of this chapter. Q and M are still traveling and got attacked by a bear, not a loose GMO critter. The Mor internal dialogue doesn't appear to move the narrative forward and I'm still unclear as to his connection with Q. It looks like everyone else is in agreement on this so I won't belabor it. The writing was strong, but the momentum lacking. As I go - winding up her middle finger with a tiny imaginary crank handle. <-- BAHAHA - pg 5: You have a lot to learn about that too <-- this is super patronizing so I'm surprised M didn't react - pg 7: the 'huge bear' is the GMO creature, right? I'm a bit confused through here. There were deer, and some bear cubs, then a big bear? - pg 9: oh, so it was the mother. That's a bit disappointing. I thought for sure they were about to meet one of the GMOs - pg 10 on, you have italics for spoken sentences... oh wait, I see it's for subvocalization

I’d like one of the other slots

Up for this Monday again

@shatteredsmooth no worries at all! We all have been there and completely get it. Take care of yourself. We'll always be here!

Overall I think we are at the stage where action needs to happen. In the second half of chapter 11 in particular I was just done with books and travel and talking. I'm ready for the meat, the action, the resolution. I've got more specific comments below. The house seems to come out of nowhere, and some of the blocking confused me. Things get moving once they are in the house, which I appreciate, but makes me wonder what the point of the back half of chapter 11 accomplished, other than the poison ivy thing? As @Mandamon mentioned, potentially not the best idea for a MG novel as well, especially with the burning. I could think of any number of other plants, especially trees, that you could concentrate extractives from if you wanted something science/fun/silly to get ghosts with! Sassafras, in particular, would be a fun one. As I go - pg 2: There was something stronger in the barn. I’m not sure how I knew, but I got the sense it was peaceful, almost content holding on to something but also a little bored. <-- I'm not sure what you're trying to convey with these lines but they seem contradictory and confusing to me - pg 4: at this stage I feel like we should be heavy in movement/action/tension, but the narrative reads slow and plodding. Speeding up actual events, and getting rid of more worldbuilding (or integrating it into action events) would be helpful here - pg 6: It’s probably why she helped me, and later, why she hated me so much. <-- confused. Still not sure why she turned from liking him to hating him. Also this is so much talking and at this stage in the book I want action and resolution. It is very hard not to skim. I feel like we just keep going over and over information, sometimes new, sometimes not, but we never get anywhere - you have a number of tense changes on pg 7 - pg 8: so our MC makes the connection to poison ivy, then has to check it out in a book. It would speed things up and not kill tension as much if they just make the connection. Done. And then in the final battle they learn the ways it has to be used. So maybe they go in confused and then through trial and error figure out how to use it or something. Right now I have 'reference material fatigue' - pg 9: why the itching of arms and legs? I thought they knew not to put the stuff on skin? Or is it just in the mind thing? - pg 10: you've called the sword a sword and a dagger, between this chapter and the last (of this sub). Just FYI - pg 12: LOL love the santa thing - pg 12: it's a sword again here - pg 14: . They didn’t fly at us. They could’ve killed us if they hit our heads hard enough. <-- this seems plot convenient. She just evaporated a floor but now can't levitate some paint cans? - I like the end line

Aheh....the kryptonite of many a lesbian...

Overall I will third @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon in that this felt scattered. It seemed to be a transition chapter, with a lot of this is what is happening, with some travel, and cute Q/M moments. E's POV could be trimmed by several pages I think to make it snappier and more hard hitting. I am deeply familiar with how BIG Canada is and how freaking long it takes to get anywhere. Since that is an element in the story, maybe they could keep calling it out so it is clear it is worldbuilding? Maybe? Anyway I think this chapter could be cut quite a bit and give us the same information in a snappier format. But Im also still on board and looking forward to the next chapter! As I go - pg 2: I was amused by the epigraph - pg 3: maybe WRS but I was confused where she was going, indeed, where the chapter was going, until bottom of page 3 - pg 4: feeling like A wrung out dishcloth (?) - pg 4: her suspension is up? Ahhhh. I would have liked this right at the get go. Gives more reason for the first three pages - pg 4: She was not ready to mourn her friend. <-- denial? I'd not call someone I was sleeping with a 'friend' - I feel like the narrative really starts on pg 6 - pg 8: The spooning had not helped Eve’s concentration <--- LOL love this line! - pg 9: I do love all the ways releasing more GMO animals could go horribly wrong! - pg 13: as much as I don't care for just more driving, the scene between Q and M was very touching - pg 15: You’re rubbish at dad-ing <-- I think Q should emotionally respond to this somehow. It's a great line - pg 16: why does K think about his biceps so much?

Overall I thought this flowed a lot better. You cleaned up the smaller stumbling blocks in the first part. There are some awkward phrasing issues in the second but nothing that a good edit pass wouldn't fix. The end is a great hook, although moreso because I have read cut chapters with what this lantern does for Z. It might not be as good a hook without that information, so I wonder if we couldn't have a bit more earlier about the god kings and what they do to their hosts? Like the kids are afraid of it or something and tell spooky stories about it? Or maybe it was there before and I have WRS. I had the same concern. I think this is where a sensitivity reader would need to be hired to comment As I go - pg 1: 'away' is repetitive in those first few paragraphs - pg 3: I like Z's thoughts on her mother's lack of smile a lot - pg 8: wow the panic attack is so good. I go on the journey completely with Z. The description is perfect - pg 10: this is actually a great place to start a new chapter if you want. Good tension, good pacing, great end hook! - pg 13: Maybe it was her grogginess, but she stared at that soul lantern for too long. <-- I don't understand this sentence. What is it trying to convey? - pg14: Te Saint <-- typo - pg 14: I do appreciate that you hung a lantern on the food-based skintone description - ohhhhhhh nice twist at the end!

I'm up for Monday as well

Huh. It gave me a big ole error message when I tried!

@Robinski the forum won’t let you edit things this old. @Silk will need to delete the threads

Overall Good forward progression and good creepiness factor. Really feeling it now. The chapter read smoothly aside from the typos, and I think the characters are reading believably for their ages. Some terminology confusion, as noted below. Agree here completely. I'm fascinated by her complexity here. agree. In general, while I understand the dog is a secondary character, I feel like it often gets too much focus As I go - pg 1: WRS? How did we know M left the mannequin? - pg 2: when did 911 get called?? - pg 5: they're going to walk through poison ivy? Hoping that rash comes into play later! - pg 5: creepy level high here in the woods talking about ghosts. well done - pg 6: comparing the death of a dog to the death of her friend's friend seems... kind of callous and not right - pg 8: terminology confusion: A is gay? Because the narrative indicates he is trans, not homosexual

Overall As with the last several installments, I loved this. I think it's going at a good clip and I like seeing more of Q's backstory. I like the humor of the piece too, and I called out some of my favorite lines below. Generally, I think this entire revision has put the essence of Q and M back into the narrative, that I remember from the first book. I still love their dynamic and how it is changing, and in many ways I think like this book more than book one. I'm interested as well in the B plot as well with the lesbians (go figure) and am just thoroughly engaged. This is a good point. He wants to see J again, right? Other than that is it just to tie up loose ends of his life? At this point I think I'm as attached to the Merrion as he is! As I go - pg 4: “Can you reconnect the guidance system, Ei?” Qu asked hopefully. “Not having ejected it from the cabin window per your instruction, sir, no.” I'm confused by this interplay. Since it didn't toss the thing out the window, couldn't it be reconnected? - pg 7: because no partner of any calibre liked a man with a hangnail.<-- dead from laughter - pg 7: 'quite amazingly stupid plan' love it - pg 13: True, but my analysis suggests that neither of my companion’s punches were good. The risk was minimal <--- OMG yes. The zingers keep coming - strong ending!

If it's almost immediately explained then I wouldn't worry about it at all. I can wait a few paragraphs for sure!

Overall I was caught up in the train and panic attack and didn't stop to write down observations. I think for a panic attack it worked very well! I'm not sure it worked if you were trying to describe SPD in terms of sensory avoiding. You'd need a sensitivity reader for that who shared the diagnosis, which I do not (nor does my kiddo, so I couldn't ask her, unfortunately). But as a non-SPD person, it resonated with me and I understood it, so I think that was very well done. Did Z's soul lantern finally mature there at the end? Was that it? And it was the train catalyst and having the mother back and doing an old sensory exercise that did it? If so, that's a cool thing and I'd be very interested to see the next chapter, for sure. me either. Are we supposed to know? I do agree that the urgency to clear the track doesn't come across very well at the start. But there was so much urgency later I completely forgot about it. Generally, I think this was a solid chapter, although @Robinski's brick and train comments are spot on as well. As I go - pg 1: the epigraph might need to note that the fits caused by overstimulation are kid specific, since SPD isn't autism, just a common comorbid

Oooh, music! I've got no background to comment on the actual music part. The lyrics I thought were very sound. I like the story and how it builds. I feel like I started off with a bit of ??, but the more the refrain came, and the more the feelings were elaborated upon, the more I came to an 'ah, yes, okay. That is a perfection description.' The part I wonder about is, while the love in this song isn't going to 'move a mountain,' might it not still move say, a toaster? Just size wise I mean. I wonder if there shouldn't be a lyric about the little things love can do that are just as powerful as the big things? There are a few examples in verse two but I think they're far enough from the chorus parts that they lose some of their impact? Maybe? I wonder if they wouldn't have more punch if they were directly offered after the 'this love can't do this' part, so it's more 'this love can't do this, but it can do this'? Anyway, just some musings. I liked this a great deal!

Overall I'd say in general, strong start, somewhat confusing finish. The build to the battle was appropriately creepy and I loved the walk in. The actual battle I think needs more description, more blocking, and the elements need to be backseeded more thoroughly in the earlier chapters. Looking up, it seems like several other people have mentioned that as well, so I won't belabor it. Generally though, I thought was one of the strongest chapters of this book you've yet submitted! As I go - pg 3: I jumped when A’s doll’s head twitched. Excellent creep here - pg 6: yes, definitely solid tension through here. Like the part with the rat as well - pg 10: wait, who is D-A-R-I-N? - the logic with the sword confuses me. I think I need the cord of energy that connects given as information earlier. It seems plot convenient now - pg 12: wait. So if the mannequins might still be people, why is the MC okay with the dog tearing one apart? - pg 13: blocking is off on this page. I'm very confused as to what is going on. Why are arms being torn off? D came flying out of what now?

Overall Not much to comment on here. I thought the tension and pacing were really good. It lagged just a bit with scenery descriptions, especially getting to the sheriff, but my empathy bar was high with our MC and I'm invested in her emotions, so I didn't mind at all. I thought this was a solid chapter that moved the plot, and really helped establish E's personality. I can feel how she feels about T, and I love that. I don't think it ever came across this well before. Thanks for a great read! As I go - pg 9: And I could have saved her, if I’d just been able to keep my pants on. <--- Wait, I don't follow the logic on this. Smooth reading up to this point - pg 10: I deeply empathize with E in this rage pain - pg 17: excellent tension through these pages. I'm hooked

Up for the next Monday

Overall This read a bit choppy, like a bunch of elements were put in without backseeding. There was a lot of plot convenience and random new information, which I would have liked foreshadowed. I did like how well the plot moved forward, and the end bit with the river was excellent. This exactly. Also agree. The bike riding lasted too long and stopped the tension build Journal doesn't bother me either. The crystals just confused me and I was so confused in that section to begin with that I ended up skimming the crystal section. I was thinking this as well Another agree. I'm still very vague on why the ghosts are in mannequins and not, say, robots that run on batteries or something. And what their powers actually are. As I go - pg 3: the sword seems very plot convenient. I don't think it was foreshadowed at all, or maybe WRS? - pg 5: maybe also WRS but I'm not clear where they are or what they are doing. They are looking through books in a library in a house. Is it the house of one of the kids? What are they looking for? Where do we think the parents are? - that text on pg 5 is really vague. I'm not certain what we are supposed to learn from it - pg 8: the discussion about 'do you just sense ghosts' slows down the pacing, which was already wandering a bit. We know D can sense ghosts. This seems like repeated information - pg 9: I don't understand what our protag did when they were mind-energy moving. They grabbed A and he was solid for moment, then he had to go back in the doll? Why? - pg 10: if this is a spectral sword it definitely needs to be foreshadowed because it is too plot convenient otherwise. Maybe it could be something protag picks up in their initial wandering around the antique store and gets a bit of info on it? Maybe it has a card with it that explains what it does? - pg 10: ah, so it's D's house. But weren't they already at D's house? Where did the bike ride come in? - oh no, sorry. They're not at D's house. Confused - pg 14: I feel like at this stage it's been well set up that D just has her mom, so an amber alert seems like it would be unlikely - pg 15: the bones having washed up also seems very easy and plot convenient. Even if you want them to have washed out, I feel like they found them too easily. No work. - pg 16: would also be helpful to establish how ghost strength works, so it doesn't sound too plot convenient that A moved his own bones so therefore he is strong. - ooh, I like the end!

Overall I think the battle is the strongest section for your 1000 word cut, maybe ending around the finger guns? Those are a delight. This rewrite is very good! The narrative is much more clear and I have a better idea what is going on. With that said I am still confused. So...D hacked Y so he could give him a message that D's corporation could take out Y's? And Y's plan was to steal, more or less, from D's? The ending doesn't land for me because I'm unclear about the plot twist at the end. I think by page three I had a feel for the stakes, although the 'when are we in VR and when are we not' is a constant confusion for me in this piece. I'll be curious to see what others think, but I think maybe one more comb through on this and it'll be quite set! I would as well for sure. On its own though I'm not sure the ending hits hard enough. As I go - pg 1: still a bit technobabble heavy in that first paragraph, and I had to read twice, but it's a lot better than last time for sure - pg 2: so I've read the first two pages twice now and... what is he doing? He is touristing but also spying? What is his motivation? I'm still just not clear - pg 3: okay, plot on page three. He's installing software to steal bandwidth and when the company gets complaints they have to renegotiate something and his company comes out on top of that? Yes? - pg 6: so wait, are they really in space or is this VR?? Like a holodeck with the safeties off? - pg 7: the whiteCell paragraph bugged me before but I couldn't quite figure out what. I think I know now. It comes off as...too easy, when the narrative has been pretty difficult this far. It seems like an easy way to keep the battle short, like author convenience maybe? - pg 18: too many new curses now standing out. Maybe reuse some of the previous? - pg 13: having just finished the finger guns part, I think that section, however you cut it, should be in your 1K word submission. It's definitely my favorite part

Overall No real issues at all. Some quibbles below. I loved this! Action! Danger! Snark! Q and M are at their best here, and I loved every minute of it. It read smooth and I had to force myself to slow my reading because I was so excited to see where they ended up, and where the plot was going. Loved the Q reveals too, and of course, always love M. I agree that this needs fixing as well. I was caught in the action of the moment but upon reflection, I think @Silk is spot on here. As I go - pg 6: all action up to here, fantastic tension. Love love love M's hotheadedness - pg 9: Is it okay if we outrun your mess first, before we discuss that fubar-in-chief?” <-- this is a great line! - pg 12: terrible waste of chiseled-cheekbones I AM DEAD - pg 15: I appreciate the backstory we are getting now. Probably still need a bit more before this though, since it's just been hinted and I've been grasping for so long this almost feels anticlimactic - pg 17: I just...dearly love M and all her dialogue. Teenage me and teenage M would have...not been a good combination - pg 19: the 'good girl' here is a bit squicky noting M's age, Q's age, and that she is a highly competent partner

Overall I thought this was an excellent edit! The logic made a lot more sense, the tension was great and there was good flow. The flashback was the only clunky part, but not because it was a flashback but more in the way it was written. I think if that got tightened you'd have a really solid chapter here. The emotional arc definitely lands, and is much, much more defined than last time. So nice work there! As I go - much better with the Z emotions in these first few pages - pg 5: I do enjoy M - pg 9: tension and pacing holding very well through here! - I don't actually mind the flashback where it is now. I think it could be presented a bit tighter, but it makes sense where it is in the narrative - pg 18: aww! Love the friends sticking together! - I have friends <-- this is a cheering moment! - pg 20: much better with the 'you can go' logic here, too

Weekly Reader Syndrome It means we just forget week to week, basically. Heh

Overall Might be WRS but I don't remember the point of whatever book thing they are looking for. I thought they just wanted to find the parents? Pacing and tension were excellent through this part, and I loved the nonbinary discussion and the suggestion to be looked at as a disguise. Resonated perfectly for me. I'd like the creepy bits you have in here to be drawn out more though, to really set the atmosphere. I feel like both were rushed, which lessened their impact. Overall though, this chapter was nicely done! As I go - love the message in the tea cup and toys! It might land creepier if they notice a trail of toys or missing things on dusty shelves or something before hand, to build tension - pg 8: I like the clothing discussion related to dysphoria a lot. To me, it seems like it is almost too much, too blatant, but I know if you are aiming for general readership that's useful - the 'think of it as a disguise' line is perfect. That's what I have to do too, when I need clothes that don't fit my identity. Just pretend it's a costume and everything is okay - pg 10: toy clown nooooooooooo but also would like more description of that whole scene because it is excellently creepy - wait, they aren't going to talk about the creepy clown??? I would think it going to its feet would warrant some discussion and panic! - good ending!