kais

2016? Was I on the forum back then? I can't remember. After reading, this is definitely my first time through Overall Some fairly minor quibbles below. Generally I liked it and thought the pacing was good, though the action could be cut down perhaps in favor of a more robust ending. I appreciate that M's disappearance didn't head into fridging territory! As a short I think it's pretty well rounded and the MC comes across well. The NEU has me fascinated and I would love more info about this (though the amount of info in the short is just perfect). This x 1000 I also stumbled here. This also confused me Also agree with both of these. I think my confusion in the later pages contributed to my action fatigue. As I go - pg 3: lot of POV changes. Trying to stick with it - pg 4: old cooking oil is a VERY good smell to conure. Really cements me in the story - "It doesn't trust me to think..." this is a great line - I'm having a hard time understanding why M keeps having sex with our MC when he can't remember. It's jarring me from the story and I wonder if we could have a bit more about their relationship up front. Right now it's a little... male fantasy? That's not quite right but something isn't gelling - pg 8: the dialogue after the sex scene helps, but I still think a bit more earlier would be good - pg 12: I'm starting to wonder about through lines. The narrative is engaging so I'm fine to go on, but wanted to let you know that I'm starting to get just a bit antsy - the NEU turning off is a great twist! - okay question: if all cops have something imbedded in them, can't our MC use that to call for backup even if the NEU is off? - pg 19: Who would care for what's left of me? This seems overly sentimental since this day he has had only brusk interactions with her - pg 20: SO MUCH ACTION I think I have some fatigue - I don't think I'm satisfied by the ending. I want more closure

Up for Monday, pending space

You know, I totally forgot to write that it is much better than the last version, and I think the improvements are good! I'm just still hanging on some things.

Ok sorry, resuming... Overall The battle and tunnels scene didn't do much for me. There isn't enough backstory by the time the action starts to figure out why I care about the sisters. Their determination to screw their country (?) over by not doing their job really doesn't endear me to them, either. I'm also sad MC didn't find magic down in the tunnels. That would have been a cool twist! I didn't trip on it so yes Decent. It makes more sense now for sure. Pacing Reasonable, but would be better if I cared about the characters. Tension is lacking Buy-in Little to none. I had more in the first sub when the siblings were fighting and there was some tension Blocking My blocking sucks, so I think I'm the wrong person to ask about this. I tend to skim large descriptive movements. Bottom line - let's have some magic, please, and some more tension. As I go (pt 2) - pg 5: the comment about magic threw me a little. Not a ton, but some - pg 6: a bot dropped a helmet? What? I need more bot description. Why is a bot wearing a helmet? Do bots have hands? How is it carrying the helmet? - *blink blink* wait so... this reveal that the sister wanted to pretend assassinate herself seems to come from nowhere and out of plot convenience - pg 6: what now with the egg harvesting? That's cold - I don;'t think this is how ruling succession works - I have questions. Did the siblings grow up in sort of responsibility voice? MC abdicates, little sister tries to assassinate....it sounds like both of them are adept at poorly shirking responsibility more than anything, and that doesn't make them likable characters to follow - pg 9: okay so some of the bots were the sister's but who is responsible for the rest? Still not certain why we care. I'm mostly confused here - pg 11: wait so MC abdicated but also couldn't rule due to killing someone?? I think it had better be one or the other - pg 12: I'm having a hard time empathizing with the flashback. It looks like E had to kill, and I haven't seen enough world to see that it has had any truly negative consequences. They didn't want to rule, so check. People still talk to them at the party, check. So what, really, did it affect? - pg 13: still don't know what the M-N are or why they are a threat other than a nebulous 'murder bot' issue - pg 14: wouldn't it be easier to just say cousins instead of children of mother's younger sister? - after the magic convo I really expected them to find magic down in the tunnels and take this in a whole different direction. The searching tunnels for bots isn't engaging - pg 14: so E had a hard time killing but isn't really phased by a dead ten year old??? - pg 15: wait how do bots not understand human speech if they are robots?? Aren't they programmed by humans? - pg 15: this relative information needed to come a lot earlier I think

As I go - pg 1: why is auntie eating with gloves on? I don't think that's a thing - dialogue in page 1 feels really stilted and forced and I'm sure half of that is awkward dinner party, but the other half I think is something else - pg 2: I'm still not clear on why the sister is being assassinated. What is her position, exactly? Has she angered the people in some way? - pg 2: 'every security bot and drone' but how many are there? I don't have enough description to get a feel for what this means, so it lands flat - pg 3: the security cart assassins line made me giggle. The repetition on 'assassins' makes it sound like you're going for humor because the assassins are so nameless and such a vague threat - pg 3: introduction of the M-N as a named something doesn't hold me because I don't have any background on them. Do they need to be named? - pg 4: the sister seem a lot more cordial to each other in this version? have to get my kid, will return with more tonight

Overall Delightful. I'd love more specifics, as noted below, but the tension stayed super high the whole time. It does make me wish for more S/I/E development as a romantic trio earlier in the book. I think that would really make E's transformation more dynamic and have the reader all bug eyed over what this will mean for the poly relationship. I appreciate the SV tag as that was... surprisingly sexual for having absolutely nothing to do with sex. Love how it ended. I also appreciate that this chapter had just one POV so we kept the momentum throughout. Nice chapter! As I go - epigraph: ever, not every - isn't a cough more weakness than a sigh? - since we are spending so much time in this room I'd love more description of it - pg 8: I really like this beat but I feel like something is missing. I'm unclear still what happened with I and if he was infected with something or not. I think I need a few more concrete gives to make sense of this. There is so much wonder and tension and danger and I just need a bit more to hang on to - pg 14 has some blocking issues. She makes a change to the symphony and I'm not clear what happens to her attacker. Anything? - pg 17: oh I definitely want more description of the spare parts selection

@Silk sign me up!

In for Monday as well, pending space

Please, please do this.

SO MANY warning tags and now I am so excited Overall Overall the thing was damnation near perfect. Flow was great, pacing was great, voice was through the roof awesome. My only lingering confusion is what is actually going on at the coffee shop at the beginning. Is C just describing usual coffee shop stuff, or is someone running a business in there? I kept expecting to get more info on this pyramid scheme front but couldn't piece together what it was. I think I need something just a tad more concrete on that. Did not expect the paranormal right turn. Pretty much perfect. Please never change that. Basically, this was magical. Same here. The whole story was set up for that kind of violence, so I thought it fit well. As I go - pg 3: there's so much wonderful voice in this I am completely immersed, even when suggestions are being made of whipping someone over oral in a bathroom - page five: I'd almost suggest putting 'ladies' in actual quotes in the: since we ladies spend too much of our lives part. I don't know too many women who would have this mental dialogue and still refer to themselves as ladies, but with the 'ladies' the sort of gentle sarcasm would shine through better - pg 11: well that was not where I thought this was going

Overall Much better than before, and I adore the time we spend at the party. I have a much better grounding in the sisters and am genuinely interested in their struggles. With that said, I don't know enough at all about the murderbots or why they are trying to kill the sisters or random villagers, so the action sequences were not interesting because I had no buy-in. Still, this has come a long way and I think if you give us more about the bots, such as taking your time in this chapter to give us set up, increasing events throughout the party, maybe some overheard chatter, that could set the stage for the big alarms going off at the very end, and a battle in the next chapter or so. As always, @Mandamon hits the nail on the head As I go - pg one, have a typo. Should be 'a' disco ball, not 'an' - 'past three orbits' throws me. It's so vague when we've just had a disco ball reference. I'd also like more info on what it feels like to fall into a dragon bush and how that might muss one's tuxedo - "It had five hundred" missing 'been' - the sentence about terraforming rock, followed by the sentence about tech, are jarring together. I think you either need to elaborate a bit more on the tech, or drop the tech sentence. It hints at worldbuilding I want immediately, and then am grumpy when the paragraph ends - pg three: 'no way to subdue without killing' feels forced, sort of maid and butler. Is there a more 'voice' way the sister could ask that? - pg 3: so our MC has gone into two bushes and a stone statue at this point without an pain reaction and I have questions - pg 5: 'heir to the f flowers' makes me giggle every time I read it. I'm not sure if it is supposed to be a little silly or not, but it sounds so with the alliteration - the ace or aro thing threw me. I get what you are going for for sure, but I assume plenty of ace and aro people marry. Maybe it could be a bit more specific about the kind of marriage? 'won't be forced into a marriage for procreation' or something? Though that might not be an issue for aro people. I'm clearly out of my element so will let those closer to the subject add in if they want. Since my partner is ace, and we are married, it sort of struck me as but why wouldn't they, as a rule, want to get married? Marriage doesn't have to have romance or sex. - pg 7: I see 'peasants' are the redshirts of this story - pg 8: now that we have info on the murder bots, I'm left wondering why anyone cares to assassinate the sister this much. Sure, minor royal assassination I don't need more background on. But why does a group of murderbots want her dead? I think I need more motivation so I can have buy in - double questions from J, end of page 8 - pg 9: yes, definitely need motivation since we have left the party. I want to stay with the sister right now, since I know more about her than the peasants and the robots

Overall Well I thought this was pretty much great. I'm so excited to explore this side of the Net, and get more Ari info. The pacing went well and I thought S's anxiety was believable but not too drug out, and I's reactions made sense from Sam's POV. I think it had a great sense of wonder, but I will want the next chapter to follow this one directly, though it could switch to I's POV without too much issue. I had this same question So yes, more please and thank you. As I go - LOL @ it's touching my eyeballs. That would freak me out for sure. I'd give it an exclamation point even - pg 5: I wish I would call S out on his obvious lying. I think it would add great tension - neat that the Ari are know on this side of the crystal - pg 7: COMB HIS HAIR BACK. DO IT - pg 9: yessssss symbiosis! Though that is still technically two creatures

Up for May 6th as well.

Overall I think there was a fair amount of wandering in this chapter, and I'm not convinced the same information couldn't be conveyed in a well done epigraph, so as to keep the plot moving along. Have you considered making Mand be the epigraphs almost entirely, so the apprentices can take the POV roles? I think Mand is good to have, as he seems to be what keeps the plot moving forward, but he also does a lot of wandering and redundancy. It's not that I don't like the chapter. I do! It's more that I think it needs to be trimmed way down so it snaps along better. Good for a draft though, for sure! As I go - I want to know more about big game hunting in the Neth - of the first page, I think only the first paragraph and the last are necessary. The rest feels like meandering, and this far into the novel I want meat! - pg 5: I think the chapter actually starts on this page, at the start. The rest feels more like warm up and wandering. - pg 6: how is summoning a three house individual like slavery? I don't understand this logic leap - pg 6: as I think we're about to head hop, just a quick summary. I think this section does serve an interesting purpose, but really only needs a page, maybe two. The council meeting here just slows down the momentum, when I am ready for action! - pg 9: I was expecting them to find something in this search. There isn't as much to this second section, either. Maybe break both sections down to their most important components, and combine them?

This is amazing! Unfortunately I cannot help either with the guitar or the filk. I can my filk friends what is expected if you'd like?

Seconded.

Nice! I'll be in a tux, I think, if I can get one fitted well enough before then.

Are any of you attending the Hugos? I assume lay people can get in?

Agree. This would go a long way to helping, though you'd still need to change the tone of the husband so that he actually listens to and takes his wife seriously.

I'd like a slot for next Monday. Finally ready to get back to my pulpy sci fi book

Bah, we all have Author Problems. That's why we're here instead of the NYT bestseller's list. Oh, to dream that dream... (also, if you hang around long enough you can watch one of my first drafts go through and eviscerate as you will. They're...not pretty.)

This is a critique co-op with fairly well enforced rules. We also use email, not posting.

Overall I like how there is more movement now, of the characters, and S is showing more agency. I did suggest some cuts since you had a good flow going and then there was a bit too much introspection. In terms of promises, I think the one big one is the one from book 1. That promise was S. We got to know him, he proved he had all this potential and we were left with a mystery. Unfortunately this book has only just started giving us those answers. I'd really like to see more Sam in book two, and Sam with a touch of agency, and maybe a POV from both the Ard characters. They were really the heart of book one, those three, and I'd be nice to stay with them throughout. Otherwise though, I do love this gold power! As I go - I will never be able to see the word 'emissary' without hearing it in the voice of that older Bajorin woman from DS9 who thought Sisko (Cisko?) was the emissary - the epigraph person seems to having very plot-convenient remeberences - A fact I have recalled only in the past few minutes I think I'd rather see this built in and revealed than dumped. As above, it's very convenient - page 3: +10 for new neopronouns. - pg 5: I appreciate S having some agency here - pg 7: LOL @ 'And S.' - The three paragraphs, however, I think could be cut entirety. It slows the great tension building and tells us nothing we don't already know

Overall So first off, the flow of the story was good and it certainly made me feel things! So connection with reader=check. Unfortunately, as you will see below, I had a number of very large issues with the protagonist. I found him to be, at best, deeply unlikable, and at worst, a murdering, child-stealing, narcissist. I think this could work as a short if it worked more like The Butterfly Effect, where there are increasingly problematic repercussions. It would also be nice if the man had a moment where he realized he was doing all of this for himself, and that he did not actually care about his wife (is he about to leave her at the beginning??) or his second daughter, so obsessed is he with the past. Basically, I'd like to suggest that if you leave the man as he is, that you have the narrative refute at every given opportunity and showcase that what he is doing is clearly a problem, and not born out of 'love'. As I go - It pains me to shut her feelings out, but I have to be strong. Just an FYI, this is a tone that will get me to drop a book in a hot minute. If the narrator is a guy, and he's not acknowledging feelings whilst being pined for by a girl...this trope is deeply overused and problematic. Men are capable of a full range of emotion. Let them show it. - I reply irritated <-- dude is now irritated because girl has emotions and is showing them. This is my Marge Simpson face. - You know that's all gibberish to me. Because she has emotions and is also Not Very Smart - pg 8: wait, why is N suddenly in the picture? I'm confused - pg 9: oh I see, parallel timelines - Deep down I've always known that I'd be ready to do anything for my family. I just never thought I'd have to kill myself. I don't know. I mean, he's toying with his second daughter's life right from the beginning over his own obsession. So really, the move to kill himself thereby depriving his family of some level income (since he does not appear to be the primary caregiver to the child) is really just as selfish as basically every other thing he has done. - I try not to think of the suffering she and L have to be going through. WOW. This character has deep, deep problems -... will have to live without me. Oh god! What'll A do without me? It'll break her. She barely managed to survive N's death, and only because I've been there for her. Who'll help her when I'm gone? Hopefully someone without narcissistic personality issues? - There's a hole burning in my chest where N should be, but I'll never risk losing my other girls again. If he's going to have a come to Jesus moment, I'd like it to be a lot more drawn out and impactful. Because right now I don't feel like he has actually learned anything, or changed. He made a series of Really Terrible Choices and through basically magic, has no repercussions. He screwed with multiple lives, murdered someone, stole a child, and left his wife, all so he could have the perfect life. The narrative does not counter any of that and in fact, makes it seem like that is alright since everything ended well. For me, that is a large problem.

Oooh, flash fiction! So my initial impression is this song. I think there's some elements that float without real meaning, like the importance of the shield being blue (unless it's straight up blue is a boy color business). It seems too like the father is a writer and the boy is upset the father spends more time writing than with him, that he loves writing more than him. A very Charles Schultz/Peanuts sort of thing. I had to read it a few times, which isn't that unusual with flash fiction. I liked the imagery of the play and writing, and the things leaking from the back just as they leaked from the son's (who may also grow up to be a writer?). So, final impression--very Cat's in the Cradle. I liked it!