kais

I'll make this less noticeable S is trying to argue a point that basically no one gets (because it's false). I'll try to fix this up WRS I think? They have to ask around to see if anyone has seen the glass guy, since that's why they came to the town to start with Hmm... I was trying to set up how isolated this town was. Sounds like I need to do a better job. Actually, this might work well! Going to go try it out now. Thank you for these, and the LBLs! I'll add to the blurb when subbing new chapters that S has been in almost complete isolation. That should help this And in fact, they do! More to come. Also I've taken @Robinski's suggestion about how to address the guard thing. I think it helps! Thank you!

I've gone back to chapter one and called this out directly, so that readers know from the start how isolated S was. But it works as hyperbole, right? Yes? If it's problematic I can just take the line out. I was trying to show guild worldbuilding here, but if it sticks out to weirdly I'll just change it. Fair. I'll have the innkeeper prod S did not go anywhere. Have added hard lines about this in chapter one to establish that moms literally kept S in that patch of forest for years and did not willingly disseminate information. Thank you for these! Very helpful! It does, and it's very uncomfortable. I'm not fond of it. Blech. It's a forest of spindly trees. I'll go back and make that more clear in the previous chapter but also they're getting closer to the tree line, so the trees are getting thinner. I'll try to make that more apparent. Have fixed Meh. I'll just delete it. No, she's not. This is supposed to be S's assumption that M wants to remain unnoticed, because S wants to, generally, be unnoticed. I'll have to think of a better way to show this. It was supposed to show S relaxing. I'll mitigate it. Should have said 'cloth covering'. I'll just delete that section I think the edits to chapter one fix this! Well, I hope so anyway. Thank you for the feedback!

I have! For several reasons, including 1) they served no real purpose since they just die here 2) better to have fewer 'useless' characters in YA and 3) I think it tells a bit about M's character since I think lack of guards makes it pretty clear that she just snuck out. Which is not a smart idea. Okay, I'll try to clarify this better Oooh, that's creepy! Thank you! I'll try to tighten this part up. I've been advised against this for the moment. But it's also a fairly minor thing (and easy fix) so definitely easy to put back in if it becomes too much of a sticking point. Thank you both for the excellent comments!

Hoorah that something worked! Hmm... will have to think on this, because it's fairly well established (I went back and checked) that moms wanders around the country a lot for wood stuff, and they're woodcutters, so being in a random forest hunting for cool wood wouldn't be too unusual. Or is it just the clothes thing? Maybe this is more WRS? There were, but I've made them more prominent now The issue here is that this is from S's perspective. I don't know that S would ever even think to ask about guards, and M, having basically snuck out of the palace, isn't going to volunteer the information. I'm going to keep thinking about how best to address this. I did have guards in earlier versions, but they mostly all just died in this scene so were superfluous. I've also been working with an agent intern friend who mentioned that in YA you should try to keep the irrelevant characters low to none so...maybe this will be fine since it's not an epic adult fantasy? Yup. This works well then, for contrast I've changed it to note that M notices it, too. They basically all just run away now, since they're just they're to distract M. I've edited this to make it more clear. Thank you for this feedback! It's very helpful!

It's not that the character is being referred to as savage, but that you've coded the character as a WOC, and she's going to be a villain, and you've got her being called a savage. It's a problematic issue with racist tropes, but here is an excellent website that can help!

I bow to @industrialistDragon in all areas regarding this.

I have a fungus in my collection that smells like fresh cut apples. It's also a deadly tree pathogen but apples!!

So uh, this is a thing now. Which is one of the reasons I'm so far behind in responding to crit. BUT ALSO I just finished listening to book one as an audio book and OMG the voice actress is amazing. Having your book become an audio book and then listening to it has to be one of the most rewarding things ever. EVER. And she's already signed on for book two! Now only two outstanding contracted books. I'm not over extended. Nope. Also not panicking over AR. Nope nope. Not me.

100% on board for this

Yes? Everything's about queer romance with me, for sure. I think you'd find that with most queer readers. Het romance is a dime a dozen but when a queer set might pop up? o_O Someone lights the queer bat signal, and you can see heads popping up like whack-a-mole. If queer romance ever becomes mainstream that might change, but for now we're so used to having to subtext read into everything that we will follow that line of reeces pieces, even if it doesn't lead to E.T. No, it could certainly go either way at this point, and that's fine. But it is certainly a fine set-up for a future romance line, or a dashing BFF adventure. I'm on board, either way. #enbiesforever I'll just add it to my list of fan fiction to write. If it ends up being slash fan fiction, you'll have only yourself to blame.

I'll take a spot, but only if one is open after all the newbies get one!

Overall Generally, I liked it a lot! I'm really curious to see what gender the love interest picks, and I'm enjoying the pacing and tension in this chapter. I was disappointed our protag didn't do something about the gun, and think I'd like to see her at least try/fail before they all go into the portal. I need a bit more movement from her. But otherwise, nice work! This didn't occur to me when reading, but seeing @Jorville's comment, I do agree. I don't know that a middle grader would necessarily think about that, but then again, I don't know that they wouldn't, either, especially with how socially conscious kids are, especially now. As I go - page 4: 'tiled' my head? Tilted? - page six: wait, what are they looking for in the tombs? I missed something - page seven: ahh, there's the falling people bit! - I totally connect with Mom's rushing to make discoveries on page eight. - page eight: typo on the capitalization of 'and' in the last line - solid section break, page nine - page 10: super into this molting thing, and its ties to gender and societal role. SUPER into it - page 13: seems like a bit of emotional whiplash. Wasn't our protag really excited to be working under mom just a few pages ago? Now she wants to get out from under mom's shadow? I think I need a transition

Hi! Welcome to RE! It's always nice to see some fresh blood around. Sometimes the board comments can be a little overwhelming at first, but we're all here to help! Crit can be a hard thing to take, but you get to give it out, too. In the end, we're all here to learn from each other. It's a neat community, and I'm glad you've joined it! Overall If you were setting up a fantasy romance, this would be a decent intro. As a villain origin story, I'm concerned about the implicit bias in the coding of your main character. Coding darker people (skin, hair, whatever) as savage, or villains, is really problematic, although a very common trope (see every Disney villain ever). I'd suggest revisiting the underlying themes and seeing if you can't deal with some of the bias. Otherwise, I'm interested in the storyline. I always do enjoy a gender role swap story! Yup. I'm fine either way, but it definitely is hitting romance buttons right now Also agree. We need that hook! Maybe starting off at the ball where she gets made fun of? Definitely better, I think, to let us react to it without explanation. A reader wouldn't get an explanation, so you get better feedback this way. Pretend we're readers at the bookstore, trying to decide whether to buy your book. As I go - page one: the cold open lacks a hook, and comes off a little 'male-gaze,' for being a female POV. Will return to this thought once I've read down through, but I think likely you're coming in too early to the narrative. Will revisit. As another note 'tan' doesn't tell me much about the actual color of her skin - typo, bottom of page one, The in the - She had come home from... this sentence really confused me and I had to read it three times. I think it might need to be rearranged or get a bit of punctuation. - there is for places, their is for people - page two: I'll caution on the 'dark' complexion (black hair, tan skin that may or may not be white), and using the term 'savage.' Especially if the other characters are fair - page four: I feel kind of cheated that we're being told about this event instead of actually experiencing it. It's also not a particularly dynamic way to start a book - page four: the dark haired savage is from the jungle?? That's.... problematic - page seven: we're not given skin tones or hair color on most of these other characters. Is white the default? - page nine: there are a number of typos and awkward sentences thus far. I suggest reading the narrative out loud to yourself, to help you catch them

I am definitely not filling the board with enbies. Nope...

Looking mostly for pacing-is it moving well, and age—is S believable as sheltered 17. I’m hoping the moving around of chapters makes Sam’s introduction more intuitive now. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Thank you!

This seems to be the general consensus. Will fix. Check. Easy fix I was leaving this for book two, a bit. Err...I've changed it to 'abandon.' It was supposed to tie into the blackberries in the first chapter, and S's general skittishness after seeing moms. It appears to be tripping most people so I'll rework it. Which is why it's kind of funny, no? Also meant to show how much S has changed from what M knew Easy edit! Have edited for clarity. Thank you! The were very helpful!

I'll reread the early stuff and see if I can put a bit more in about it. Turns out that two short, clarifying sentences, one in chapter one, and one in chapter two, I think take care of this!

Start learning about the world? I assume not start learning about nonbinary genders? Not that I'm opposed, but my three year old has a better understanding of nonbinary genders than I do. It's a lot more talked about in younger generations.

Overall I think this was pretty solid. I enjoyed reading it, and it had a good sense of wonder. Thins have a good pace now and I like the discovering a lot. I don't actually have a lot of comments. Thanks for the fun read! As I go - I enjoy the kicker - that italicized thought on page one really throws me from the narrative. I think it needs better incorporation - page seven and generally, just enjoying it! - page 10: oooh, you can sing to it! Fun! - !@#$ I read the first sentence in the new section and swore there for a minute it said 'The next morning I found mom dead,' and I was like OMG PLOT TWIST! - page 14: I was king of hoping they'd just be the native species of the Net - page 16: I have a hard time with none of them ever going below the clouds. Surely someone was adventurous? Or someone fell? - interesting! I've always wanted a bit more on the Eff

Also in, pending space

Just saw this tag. @Mandamon is correct in that we don't want you to 'oh BTW Dumbledore is GAY,' but there are ways to do what you want to do and not be JK Rowling. I think above I suggested using some of the lesser known queer culture cues. That way he is clearly gay to those who want to bother thinking about it, but to your general reader it will still be a surprise. For instance, if you think back to the very first time I subbed Fox, that very first chapter. Most of you could not tell S was nonbinary, while to neongrey and I, it was so overt it was practically painful. I think that's the place you want to be--clear to the community, but flying under the radar of the cis-het community. Unfortunately I can't help you code a gay man. You'd need a sensitivity reader/consultant for that, or to actually sit down with a few gay guys and talk to them about the internal culture. There are things like the hanky code and such have changed over time, too, so the age of your character will inform what part of the culture you want to present. If you want to code a lesbian or an enby, you know how to reach me. *super coded gay high five*

So here are my read through thoughts: - I much prefer everything being morally grey than having an actual villain - can we just add fridging to the avoidance list now, to help educate future generations? - bone magic is both interesting, and grounded enough that you won't have to completely remake the wheel. I think it could work! - burning bones sounds good. Boil the bones and you get pyridine, and then you're in my book. Crossover potential! - your characters suffer from white default. Skin tone the people! - oooh, this is W&S land! Yay! - (it does sound a bit like the plot of W&S) - can your 'spinster' maybe be canon asexual and/or aromantic? That'd be a really nice addition. Otherwise, the spinster thing is pretty cliche. - scene 8 is where I really felt the first hook into the story, with the testing out of powers for recruitment - romance during combat? Ok, I'm curious - G being gay? I think it'd be cool if you did it right and made sure the character was coded gay from the start (so astute readers would pick up on it) - are the stakes high enough? From just this outline, no, but outlines don't tell much. I'm curious about the story, and that's a good thing! This is also my overall. As always, #iagreewithmandamon

Consensus agrees! Have edited. You have never been accosted by an angora rabbit, I take it. I was thinking on white snow it would really stand out. Even a few drops of blood on snow is really striking fair. Will edit. That seems fair. Easy edit None, which is why M shoots the idea down Thank you for the LBLs and these comments! Very helpful (especially now that I can finally get around to editing!)

#catchingup Fair. Have added a bit more detail It's a size joke, although knowing M, possibly also a male anatomy joke. I hadn't even thought of that, but I also wrote an entire series about lesbians who use wood on a day to day basis, so... Trade! Book two will get into it more. This one I wasn't going to have much explanation. I did at one point, but it was cut for pacing You are correct. It was supposed to make this funnier. I fridged the horse and no one even called me on it! Thank you for the comments! Check. Will edit Horse ride has been edited. Solid comments Have tried to clarify this I swear I change this in every version, and it always comes back. Like headlice or something fair. I've made this more about M's orders now and S used to taking orders Thank you!!

Here we go. Playing catch up now that things are calm for a brief window. Roughly the same age. I think that's coming through okay? There has to be a novella in this, somewhere! Dual guilds still a thing. I was trying to S as being pretty myopic about guilds good point. Will edit I don't think the for-hires are looking all that hard, either. Hmmmm. Will think on this one. How much are you willing to take on faith? I feel like we get a lot of history and explanation as the narrative goes on for this, but maybe readers need a stronger buy-in, earlier? Thank you! Bad wording. I meant they hadn't seen each other in a while. Will reword. Urp. Edited I'm trying to show that S has a lot of skill that S isn't willing to cop to, for fear of being made to stay in woodcutting. I'll think on a better way to get this across. Is this clearer later in the story, or should I spend another line on it here? Well, only if S gets moms permission to work under R. Thank you for these edits and the LBLs!