kais

I was trying to figure this out, too!

Same ole same ole. Pacing, age, are they working. There isn’t actual sex in this chapter, but there is nudity and some stray thoughts so, you know, progress at your own risk. Please abbreviate all proper nouns.

I'm good with the longer sub, @Mandamon. I'd also like to sub on Monday.

Overall Generally, I liked it! Nice to meet a new species! I thought it was generally missing a larger sense of wonder, and I'd like to see more emoting (haha, funny, coming from me), especially from our protagonist (same comment as @industrialistDragon). But it kept the narrative moving and helped build the world, and I am very interested to see what the ceiling of the N is made of! As I go - page one: I finally had a writer friend point out why short snippets of thoughts in italics always seem so jarring--they're distancing. It actually helps keep the reader in the narrative if short internal monologues (like you have on page one) are just written out, not specifically italicized. - page 2: they're roots? If the Net is a moving planet... - page five: +1 for reference to green wood - page five: faces!! - page seven: I think I'd like a lot more wonder at meeting this new species. This is a huge discovery, right? Shouldn't everyone be elated? Maybe flabbergasted? Our teen, especially, I'd expect to emote more - page 12: assuming female-ness based upon the word 'husband' seems strange since mom's species marries multiple males, right? Although I guess that sort of makes sense since there aren't multiple women in the relationships - page 12: +1 for nonbinary character - page 14: isn't our protag familiar with nonbinary genders? You have them as canon species in the world, right? I thought HandD was one from your last book? I also think the 'there were a lot of differences...' sentence could be expanded to some good worldbuilding and explaining why our protag is asking a fairly invasive question (which can be excused by her youth, but I still have questions) -

Overall Bridge chapter? This one didn't seem to have a narrative arc at all. I enjoyed the Q&M parts, but had some issues with the others, as described below. I have a lot of the same thoughts as @industrialistDragon and @Mandamon so I won't belabor them. I'd love to see more Q&M doing cool Q&M investigation things, and a bit less of the C plot. The B plot I think is doing well. As I go - Eve's POV seems off. She's flowing here like a man is writing a female character, not like the actual character is writing herself. She doesn't seem consistent from one chapter to the next, and she was all weepy last time, wasn't she? She's coming in hot an 'butch' at the moment (in terms of attitude). Not that those two things are mutually exclusive, but I need more transition emotions, I think, to buy it - page 3: perfume: As someone deeply entrenched in lesbian culture, Eve continues to send very mixed messages. Perfume? Are you gunning for the 'power femme' dynamic? If so, her language (internal as well) needs to change in the opening of this chapter. I think... would you be interested in homework? I have some quintessential lesbian films that could introduce you to character tropes, if you want to study. And of course you don't have to stick with the tropes, but they'd give you a firmer foundation to work off of - page six: 'spooning' and 'friend' clash in this context. Yes, people cuddle without sexual attraction but in this case we know the two women are attracted to each other, so 'friend' really sounds like you're trying to avoid saying 'lover' - page 9: LOL at the boxer shorts quip - page fourteen: I'm still completely confused about the old man plotline. Also there are so many POVs in this chapter!

Same ole same ole. Pacing, age, are they working. This is a completely reworked chapter, mostly plot, and I’m hoping it comes off with the appropriate amount of ‘deconstructing S’s worldview’ and not just ‘plot-y info dump’. I moved this chat with the innkeeper scene to before the bedroom scene, so the tension from M and S’s talk feed directly into the tension with Sam. Hopefully it helps. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Also sorry for not responding to comments these past few weeks! I'm hoping to play catch up this week, if things calm down.

I'd like to go on Monday as well, pending space

Overall This was my favorite chapter thus far, and it looks like others have echoed that as well. I liked our protag a lot in this one and really enjoyed her emotional ride. The pacing was good, the descriptions and wonder were good, and I snagged very few times. Nice work! As I go - epigraph: the idea that the walls are decaying with white rot fungi has me more hooked than anything else. I'm going to write this fan fiction and YOU CAN'T STOP ME! - page two: I enjoy vindictive mom - page six: love the idea of them riding the drill! especially piggyback! - page 7: he made us? Is this sentence missing something, or am I confused? - page 13: wait, they have 4-6 days left of rations and no easy out with the portal? Why aren't they turning back, especially with a kid in tow? - page 15: oooh! Top of waterfall thing!! - I like the end!

Hi! Welcome back to RE! Overall I'll echo @Mandamon, in that you've already nailed the main issues. Exactly all this. I need a lot more emotion, and more stakes than just 'death,' and motivations would be amazing. I need to feel the need for the revolt, so I can get behind it! As I go - page 1: a lot of redundancy with the word 'die' in that first paragraph - page 2: I remain disoriented. Where is he? - ah, I see. Prison ship. That should probably be in the first paragraph. How does he know though that there are only 16 other inmates? - page two: I'm not really invested in this escape plan because all I know about these characters is that they're navy deserters - page three: I don't feel any real...anything, for the taking down of the enforcer, since I don't know enough about the world to know if I should A) like them or hate them and B.) how powerful they are

I feel you on the behind thing. Ugh. Overall I don't have much to comment on this time around. It's mostly action, and the pacing is just fine. I think it all comes off a little too easily, but in fairness it is rural Canada, and people are pretty easy going. I don't understand how the call comes through at all. Did someone hack eighty? Also, like @Mandamon, the life of crime bit seems a little implausible. I think I need more desperation from them before being okay with just randomly punching people. But generally, I liked this! As I go - page six: road hot pokers? red hot pokers? - page six: missed change to make a quip about gentlemen, I think, after the hangnail comment (which I loved) - rolling along at a good clip here, and the only thing that comes to mind is that it all seems...really easy.

Same ole same ole. Pacing, age, are they working. Also would like to know if Moms is still skewing spooky or not. Last Time: M convinces S to put the offered apprenticeship on hold to help find their missing mothers. On a remote forest path, they are attached by bandits. M runs off to pursue and S ends up face to face with Mother This Time: Moms is Moms Next Time: Guilders are wandering around without skills, and our duo have the first of several uncomfortable conversations Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Thank you!

I'd like in as well, but will happily bow out for someone else (I think I make five?).

Oh yay, more time travel! Overall This one was a bit slow, but I think with some work could really pack a punch. If you had an opportunity in chapter one to tell us about all the Horrible Things that happen when someone uses time travel more than once per day, it would raise the stakes in chapter one AND give more impact to chapter two. Please keep subbing! Time travel is always such fun. I'll echo all three of these as well. As I go - starting a chapter with a sparse room description isn't a great hook. Might try for something more dynamic - the chapter really starts on page 3. The rest just seems like atmosphere and worldbuilding. For the sake of pacing and tension, you might consider working the first three pages in somewhere else, and starting on page 3 - page four: I think I need a lot more backstory on WHY they were restricted to only 1x per day reversals, for this page's impact to land well. Right now I'm just thinking... so there aren't any real repercussions, like ripping space time or anything. So yeah, why is this such a big deal?

Overall Pacing was good in this! There were a number of emotional beats that didn't land for me, described below, and very similar to what @Mandamon wrote above. After E decides to take action though, I thought things really got moving. I am surprised that the police didn't realize they were deer bodies, not human, so might need some better turn of phrase there. Nice work! As I go - page four: Yeah, Morton can just get punched any time now. Any time. - page five: change in gaze, here, with the 'terrible waste of chiseled cheekbones' - page six: wow, she slides in stealing fast. I have whiplash. She cares for the other woman, right? And she hates Morton? So wouldn't E's first instinct be to think M had done something, instead of her girlfriend? - page seven: I'd think E would fight that suspension more. A LOT more, since she just saw her girlfriend torn apart - page 8: Even with T being an employee (and romantic entanglements aside), as a scientist who has had employees injured, everything STOPS. Machines shut down, rooms shut down, OSHA comes in and it's a huge thing. Emotionally it stays with you a long time, so the whiskey part seems super spot on, but not the 'T doesn't count' thing - E's name is spelled 'eye' on page 8 - page 9: being mad at T seems... not likely? Maybe? Wouldn't E be mourning? Basically emotions seem not intuitive through here - page twelve: not sure 'swarthy' is what you want to use here. Suggest instead being more specific - good ending!

Overall Generally, smooth going. Some quibbles below. I'm still not as connected with the main character as I would like to be, and I suspect it is for a lot of the reasons @industrialistDragon noted above. And hey- congrats on the fully funded kickstarter!! As I go - page five: the emotion about being as famous as mom is the first time I've really gotten a sense of why our protag is on this journey. I like it. More of this, please - page seven: just as reading through this bit, I was thinking it would have been nice to have a bit more drama about meeting the other group. Mom's research is being poached and if that was me, I'd be suuuuuper angry. Like, back off, I will cut you, angry. - page nine: oooh, good! Suspicion! - page twelve: would love a bit more description about what climbing through cotton feels like - page fifteen: Wouldn't she have a bit of inclination that the rubbing sounds from the night could have had something to do with the harness? I like the grief, of course, but she's already suspicious of Sneaky so even if he isn't up to no good, wouldn't her mind stray there on its own? Maybe? - page 18: the delay on determining who cut the rope kills tension, I feel like. I think it might be nicer to have an accusation right after the fall, from our protag. Really amp things up - end of chapter: the beauty of being above the clouds doesn't feel as compelling of a chapter ending as maybe it could? I think if I got a greater sense of overall wonder from the characters, especially the protag, this would have more punch.

Hi @LarkinTyvell. Welcome to Reading Excuses! You're welcome to sub (following the guidelines of course), but we do generally ask people to do some crits before they sub the first time. Get into the groove and all that.

An interlude and chapter six. Chapter has become shorter in order to help with pacing, but otherwise it’s mostly the same as before. Pacing and age are the main concerns, as usual. Some changes have happened in earlier chapters, the most important at this point being that S is now the one who discovered how to make bone oil (pyridine), and shows R how to do it before they part ways (it’s plot relevant later). Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Thank you!

Overall This chapter failed to really grab me. It had good points of tension in it, but I think it was bogged down by the 'wonder' aspect, that will likely only appeal to readers of the series. I think you could probably cut about half of this submission out and you'd have a pretty tight chapter. Yes. Although the attention span of adult readers can be just as short! LOL As I go - page four: so I appreciate the wonder, but we seem to be gliding only on that. There's tension missing. - maybe the chapter would be better served starting at the section break on page five? - page seven: I'd like a bit more time in our protag's head about how she things she's completely messed up by dropping the anchors. It's a good chance to build her age and inexperience, and it gets sort of skimmed over - page 10: the bit about making her stronger is fun! - page twelve: I like the poacher part. Adds some good tension - page 13: jellyfish in the underwear? So she's...squirming and screaming from being stung? I'm a bit lost here - page fifteen: anyone my age would have been able to hear it already. Does this need changed? Sam was, what, 19, when he heard it for the first time? And this girl is 12, we decided? - page 16: lol at the 'definitely a boy' comment. Very age appropriate

Also up for Monday

Oooh, time travel! Fun! Overall Generally, I liked it a lot! I think some worldbuilding elements should come sooner rather than later, but as a start it's pretty solid and engaging! Nice work! As I go - really strong start. Generally starting off with a character being bored is a horrible start, but time travel is interesting, so I'm still engaged - page four: great tension but I'm wondering now...is the whole purpose of these time travelers to prevent untimely death? Does that not affect the greater world population somehow? I think a bit more worldbuilding might be in order. - page seven: ahhh, there's the limit to the magic! This might need to be mentioned earlier. Not in full, but some mention on the limits of the magic would be useful - page eight: I've lost a bit of respect for our lead, because I don't know what the consequences are for doing more than one reversal a day. That makes me think there are bad consequences, and she is screwing up someone else's life just to feel better about herself, which makes me not like her. Again, a little bit more worldbuilding might be needed here. Maybe just an indication that it's bureaucracy, or money, that keeps them from doing more than one reversal. Something that won't hurt anyone else. - the ending wasn't as sharp as it could be, I think. You might want to end the chapter a bit earlier, on a moment of higher tension

Overall Good action and good tension! A lot of my issues come from WRS and the edits, I think, so generally I'll just say that I enjoyed this! This also occurred to me #iagreewithmandamon Yes please! As I go - page five: I'm unsure what M is doing. Did she take the gun? - page seven: I'm so unclear on why M is running. What is going on? This seems really illogical - page 8: you've got a 'to' instead of 'too' - LOL at the manual driving! - page 10: why do they have to get eighty? Why is the android so important? Is this WRS? - why did it take until page 11 for the immobilizer to work? Seems plot convenient - page 13: I am so confused about Q's family situation - why does Mor kill these women? Also unclear--missing villain motivations I think - page 16: I do just love M and her quips about Q's clothes - page 17: I appreciate Q's attempt to not gender the android!

Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Chapter five, with not much changed except M and S are now more antagonistic. Hopefully that works. My big concern is pacing, as always, and if S is still working as 17.

If she's 14, I think you'll need to age her up again. 12 I could see, and yes, also bristling at girl, although now I'm trying to think if I cared about that at that age (gender aside). Hmmm. But 11 would be more believable yet. Just definitely not 14. 14 is a whoooole different level of snark.

I'm not late! I'm.... behind. Sure. That's what I am. I blame Wizard World and the mechanical shark I certainly did not ride. Nope. Overall Much better! Good pacing, good action, and solid arc. Some quibbles below but otherwise I loved it! I had the same issue Also my question, As I go - I'm with M on this one. I don't understand Q's motivations for taking the case at all, and I think some internal dialogue from him would help that a lot. Also chafing from the 'lady' comment. Get him, M! - would love a bit more waxing from Q about his feelings on muscle-bound men - page 4: I'm confused. Earlier it sounded like he was riling M up on purpose, but now here it looks like more reaction? - the paragraph where Q talks about red-blooded women would be a good time to stick in something about red-blooded men, too, to keep him on brand - page 6: I'm surprised M doesn't think something more like 'he was straight until the first bit of skirt or firm backside walked by,' since she is always calling him on his closeted love of men - yeah okay, the M scene with the 'stripping' is much more teenage rebellion now. It makes me uncomfortable, but I can remember friends who would do that at that age so... probably appropriate. Also, she has Q as a role model so... - page ten: why is M cuffed? They haven't been charged with anything and that's a BIG no in Canada. If laws have changed it might be worth it to note that - dialogue is flowing a lot better than last time! - LOL @ maternity surplus - the plot has better form in this version, too! - good arc!

I'd like to hop in for Monday as well!