kais

Truth! I've been seeing more and more agent guidelines saying don't bother submitting if it's been published anywhere, including just a blog post or Google Docs.

We didn’t have a full five subs this week so it’s probably cool, but @Silk should make the call.

Overall Strong opener, but the tension drained as I read along. I think I need more buy-in about the society before I am concerned for it or its members. Your Questions I'm not sure. I don't have a good sense of time for this piece. It's not confusing at all, but I am familiar with the world. Promises about the system beasts (are they the same things that were sucking down symphony power in your last short?) and some illuminati conspiracy stuff, which is intriguing. Murder! Intrigue! I don't have a feel for the main character at all. I'm not invested in him yet, but I have a fondness for the world, so that doesn't at this point, bother me. Ahhh, that explains a lot. Will reserve judgement until I read the back half then! I had a similar problem. I know you're trying to reintroduce the world, but it did drag. Yup. Agree again. This was also one of my issues. Nothing really driving tension during the investigation. Same here. A bit more personal description would be nice. Overall though, a good strong start to a new novella! As I go - good cold open! - page three: AH we finally meet your namesake, @Mandamon! - page four: you've got redundancy with your kicker here. Suggest cutting - page five: for me, being familiar with this universe, it's reading slow. I know you're doing this more mystery style, which isn't one I usually get into, so take these comments with a grain of salt. I think part of the slowness is also the backstory, but it's def necessary for the new readers - page eight: it might be nice to get just a little bit more info about the Society before the break here, just so the name drop means more. I think it would help with tension, too - page ten: I'm having a hard time carrying about the names of the society being stolen because I don't yet care about the society. I need more build up, I think

Overall Interesting start, but seems to lack a through line. What is the purpose of this chapter? I enjoy E (notes below), but what is her motivation? Her objective? What is she trying to accomplish in this chapter? It seems like the chapter is truncated almost, like there is another segment missing. Other than that, just the comments below. If E is a lesbian, and you're up for talking more about how to write her in a slightly different version of male gaze that'll read authentic, let me know! I read her like this, too. And either she is a True Power Femme, or a female Q. Same. Apprehension at first, but all was well! As I go - interesting idea to have a full flashback chapter, but I'm game - pleased to see a POV change pushed back a few chapters. I'm invested enough in the world already to be curious about a new POV! - page three: okay.... interesting lead with the character giving a blowjob for a ... job. The CSO appears to be female (hoorah!), but it took me a second read through to catch that because you used the term 'blow', which is generally not how a lesbian would refer to that particular act (in the US, anyway). Options could include (and we'll see how many of these get bleeped out--to the admins, please don't shoot me!): (hidden text so as to not scar the innocent) - page seven: while I'm engaged, I have some concerns about our power femme here being the villain. That treads on some really bad history, especially in the sort of pulp crime noir genre you're echoing with the series. - page seven: if our lead is in fact lesbian (and not just willing to do anything to get ahead), I'd suggest something other than 'daddy issues'. While generalizations can be made about women going after men like their fathers and men going after women like their mothers (in the heteronormative model), it would stand to reason then that a lesbian would go after someone like their mother. In my experience though, power femmes like our main protag here tend to either attract other power femmes, or passive butches. If you wanted to make a more 'community' line, I'd suggest something like 'Butch / femme issues perhaps, but...' - LOL@ Jurassic Park reference! - they used cassowary DNA? Those things are mean! - I find the description of M on page ten not very realistic from what we know of E. She describes him like a straight woman would. - page 11: so is E like, a female version of Q? I find this hilarious - page twelve: arc?

Hei @Chuck Hossenlopp - did you request a sub spot for today in the email and submissions thread (top pinned post)? Did I just miss it?

Looking specifically for help on how to better streamline this section, and whether the ending lands well. All other comments most appreciated. This is a draft zero, so apologies for that. Please abbreviate all names and places. Thank you!

And me! I'm in for Monday. ETA: I see the unholy triumvirate is back. BWAHAHAHAHAHA

check and check Hmm. A sentence appears to have mysteriously vanished. Thanks for catching that! It's actually just placeholder timeline for me right now. I plan on deleting. That was why it was in yellow. Good catch! I'm trying to be better with the ship in this short, since he's modding it out and the Buran would be completely useless as a tramp transport without heavy modification. Is it too out of place with how the first three books were? Have edited It was meant to be ridiculous, and mostly a running joke, so I'll call this a win Many people commented on this. I'll go back and bring it out more. Late edit to book one. They have claws now... I think? I need to go reread book one Good catch. Will edit. This is hard to balance. If I go too much into his backstory, I might have to turn this book from a book of shorts into a full blown prequel. Which I could do, but that might be overkill? My thought was that this chapter would be first in the book, then Ne's three chapters, then Nick's chapter. I might end up cutting Ne's middle chapter, too. Unsure at this point. Basically I need to finish writing the book and then I can figure out how to organize it and what needs cutting and what needs expanding. UGH writing! Thank you for the excellent comments! Running gag? I mean, this is way better than anything I had come up with. I love this. Let's roll with this. In all honesty, it was a small thing in book one that enough people found amusing that I just ran with it. I look at it like I look at long hair. It's a pain in the butt, it serves no real purpose, it's highly unsanitary and dangerous in many professions, but it's a fashion statement, and a cultural statement, and has immense meaning so... it stays, even if it's silly. My fault. I think I forgot to mention in the email that this is book four of a series, so coming in cold like this has to be jarring. I'll but a bit more backstory buy in in, as noted by all the previous commenters. Yes! It's kind of my nirvana... Has been edited Debating this. I don't want to drag the short down (it's already over 5K), but maybe a few more nuggets... In fact we have three books explaining it! I love the comparison to two-minute noodles. Perfection. Thank you for the comments!

Hrm, good to know. I wanted to have the back half to fill in his history with the Ris, but maybe it's not needed. Will see how the next submission goes. It's supposed to be insinuated throughout the series that its the Ards doing it. I think I make a big call out to it in book three? Maybe I need to be more clear. I have an Ard cameo in the second half of this, so maybe that helps? I don't know. I'll go rethink. Thank you for reading, as always! Okay so A) that is the best analogy ever. EVER. B). I'm...not sure how to up the stakes in this for new readers. I'm in between a rock and hard place here with not wanting to alienate new readers, but also knowing this is book four in a series, is a book of shorts meant to just be a fun sort of read, and that I can't mess with character personality too much. Where does the heist fall apart for you? Could you ID the page you lost tension? That might help me better address the issue. Yes, that was the vibe I was going for Hmm. Will try to streamline a bit. They're a set, xe and hir, and have been used throughout the trilogy so they're pretty set. But yes, Ris are an agender species. LOL. Well there are three books before this that go over it pretty well! I'll try to bring his motivations out more. They're there, they're just buried. My fault. Thank you very much!

Welcome back! The forum is definitely picking up again post NaNo and winter holidays

Truth. I would never take students I didn't know on a research trip. I despise taking any students on a research trip, and when I do, it is 99% for grunt labor. Students are a liability, first and foremost, and do little if any actual contributions to the work. Now, if the students in your work had gone several times before, that'd be different. The most useful students are the ones who have worked in my lab for a few years and been on the Amazon trips a few times. After about the third year they know the drill and can help corral others, but I'd never allow tagalongs, not even from my favorite students.

I dig it, but watch your regional growths. Mahogany wouldn't grow in the same forest types (or climate) as oaks. Apologies to you and @Mandamon. I didn't mean to insinuate that a young girl couldn't be an expert fighter. More, I'm confused as to her state of mind and the... bloodlust? That might not be the right word. But it doesn't ring true for me. I think if I had some backstory it might. It wouldn't ring true for a fourteen year old boy, either, for that matter. I have a hard time reconciling youth of that age with the level of sheer destruction being shown here, without remorse. It's like we're in the head of a villain with a huge backstory about how the world has driven them to this point over fifty years. It's hard to see that in someone so young. Of course, if you gave her a backstory with a lot of violence in it, it would make perfect sense (or even just a love of fighting), but right now it just... it doesn't sit right. I've tried to rectify this tear in the space time continuum

Overall I thought it started out strong, but you lost me in chapter two. I need more backstory on the girl, I think, before I can get behind the fight scene at all. I'm also not sure what you're trying to go for in terms of sympathetic characters, and I'm left with a lot of 'meh' about the girl at the end of the second chapter. Keep at it! I did enjoy chapter one! As I go - that first line is still not a good hook. Generally, you should start each chapter and end each chapter with a hook, to keep people engaged and reading. This is especially true for first chapters of books, otherwise known as 'the cold open'. - page one: +1 for good wood choice for a bar top. If it were me I'd have gone with a white oak, but white oak has better uses, such as whiskey barrels, so I assume red oak was what was left over. I approve of this world and it's well thought out use of oaken materials - page three: common wood names aren't proper nouns but oh my god are we going to have a conversation about wood species? I am right here. - page four: why is the design more fierce on the women? Is this a breast allusion? It feels awkwardly male gaze, but also confusing, like maybe I'm not getting some joke - the end hook of chapter one is a good one! - 'tensed' is not a proper noun - page five: allusion to rape needs a warning in your sub, please. Not a fan, and it doesn't really serve a purpose here. Why not just burn the mother, too? - page five: 'smelt' should be 'smelled', unless there are fish involved that I don't know about - page seven: 'armor' is not a proper noun - page seven: this is a girl who is delighting in the idea of charging a man twice her size, after already being cracked on the side of the head? This just doesn't ring realistic for me. From the way she was described earlier on, I got the feeling that she was twelve, maybe thirteen. There's a whole lot of sore and awkward going on with a thirteen year old girl, and this sort of battle lust just seems... out of place, unless you do some more build up and backstory - page eight: So chapter one spent a decent amount of time building sympathy and tension around this girl who was about to get arrested, but the way she is fighting and acting in chapter two makes me view her as the villain. I don't know if this is what you are going for, but it kills the tension for me. She also seems to have aged up a lot in these two pages - the drowning doesn't really build any tension as a chapter end, because I don't care about this girl anymore.

Welcome to RE! Overall The writing is nice! There's a good flow and rhythm to it. The content is a bit lacking, unfortunately, in terms of buy in. There's also a really poor gender balance in this piece. Keep at it, and know revisions are what turn manuscripts into books! You're a fine writer for thirteen! My major suggestion, noting this piece and your age, is to see beyond your immediate sphere when imagining characters. Remember that women and gender minorities exist. You may not notice them on a regular basis, but they were historically a major part of every war, every battle, every kingdom. In any given army there are bound to be a number of women fighting as men, or as women. There is always a caravan trailing armies, made up of cooks and prostitutes or wives, etc. Their stories are just as interesting, and often moreso, than a standard man's, because they are the often untold stories. As I go - page two: fault line magic? Okay, I'm interested. The first page was a bit slow though, all things considered. For a cold open on chapter one, you might consider something more dynamic - page three: a reminder that women make up roughly half of any given population, and should therefore also make up roughly half of any story, baring obvious settings like boys' boarding schools, etc. There have been a large number of characters mentioned thus far, and page three is our first mention of a female in world, and she's a mother. - page four: I'm bored. I don't know enough about our lead character to care about this war, or his feelings about it, or what it means for the land. I need more buy in before politics and attempts to tug at my heartstrings - page seven: the boy's death doesn't do anything for me, because I do not yet care about this world

I'M SO EXCITED! Overall I'm not connected enough with the client to care that he was in danger or murdered, which meant tension didn't build with the fire. I think I might need a bit more emotional tie in. Is Q excited for the job? Is M? What does it mean for the client to be murdered? Might the fire spread? Basically I think I need more emotion, and more urgency. But the bones are great! As I go - 'they got up late' isn't the most dynamic of chapter openers - LOL, the ole Alucard joke - page four: I'm kind of sad Q hasn't taken this opportunity to try high winter fashion. I was expecting a peacoat at least! - 'face-sucking cold' is an excellent description of parts of the north - page eight: while I do love all the settings and the dream of winter boots with clickable yak tracks, at this point I'm getting a little antsy for the plot - you've got a double 'the', top of page ten

Hi, and welcome to RE! Overall I was very confused during the first few pages. Things got better once it was established that they were gaming, but the science part that followed had a lot of problems. If you're going to put forward a character as being a scientist then you're going to have to do a lot more deep research on the subject matter, as well as presenting the information in a way that shows us that you understand it (for instance, making sure genus and species are in italics, and that genus is capitalized and species is lower case). I think the story has reasonable bones, and I was interested in where it might be going, but I think this chapter will need a great deal of cleaning. Edits are what make the story though, so keep at it! Agree completely Yes, this. Too many names, not any investment for any of them. Same here. I think maybe you're promising...an archeological adventure? My gut has me worried you're promising some evolutionary revelation regarding Jewish heritage and I am not excited about that. This is a good point. I was so upset about the science that I didn't realize I had no idea what these kids looked like until I read this comment. As I go - that first sentence, and the whole first paragraph, is bogged down with adjectives. Try limiting yourself to one per sentence until you get a better feel for how to use them - I don't understand this 'I said, no Driz said' thing. What is going on? - Not a fan of the super heavy male gaze in this first page - Wait, Driz is our narrator? I'm so confused right now - page two: what tense are we in? I think we're bopping between present and past. You'll need to pick a tense, and a 'person', for this to begin to make sense - end of page two: Driz isn't Driz and I have no idea who is who or what is going on. If this were a book in a bookstore, I'd put it back and go read something else at this point. - page four: so... they're playing D&D? That should be a apparent a lot earlier - page five: I think science is pretty set on neanderthals being their own species, not an 'ethnicity' - page six: this science doesn't shake out. If this person is writing a thesis, then they should know that if the species name is different, then it's a different species. Race is a social construct. The line even different species of... makes no sense, because the character is indeed talking about different species. If we have Homo erectus and Homo sapien, these are different species (note the same genus, but different species name). The change in species name has nothing to do with race or ethnicity or any of these variant words we use to describe the way phenotypes show themselves. Also note - species is never capitalized, but genus always is. - wait... the line about genetic mixing and culling is... not how this works. That's not evolution works at all. Homo sapiens have been the only humanoids on this planet for a very long time. If you want the science in this to sound legit, you'll need to do more reading - page six: If you're going to do anything with a lost tribe of Israel, I'm going to have a lot of comments. Just heads up on that.

Please abbreviate all proper nouns. This is a rough draft, so apologies. L for language. This is the first half of the short, so you won't have the complete arc. Hopefully that won't be too irritating!

Sorry. Will clarify. Argh, this is a typo! It should be a dredger. Thank you for catching! I've paired down the questions considerably. I could string the conversation into more standard bartender, but I'm afraid it would make the intro piece a little long, and I think the consensus is that it's already too long? Level of experience... with sex? Could you elaborate on your confusion with this part? Well, darn. I'll try to get this fixed. Yeah, this is a common issue I have with first drafts. I'll slim it down with edits. Holdover from previous version, where he did go away. Thanks for catching! Excellent, thank you. I'd planned on expanding it out a bit anyway so these will help. Thank you for sending the LBLs for all these shorts, btw! Really above and beyond here! I'm okay with that! No worries! Thank you for the feedback! On to your LBLs! ATM, I'm good with this. I was trying to walk that line between is he decent or is he scummy. Might push him closer to scummy later. I guess in my mind, in the Systems, the patriarchy that leads to a lot of this type of behavior is under a bit more control so when these things happen they're not so... generally horrid and more start of reasonable and maybe slowly evolve to more base actions. Anyway, everything's up for edit so I'll have another go! Thank you all!

In for Monday as well, pending space

The idea was that N is pretty sheltered and this is her first time really out and about in the systems. Lot more than the three genders she has on her world, and she's trying to mentally sort it out without getting anyone too angry with her. It's from the second part (you may have not read it). She hates being a journey youth, basically. Could also be WRS maybe. LOL okay okay. Will cut If you're referencing the first terran then yes, it's bad flirting. I've edited the start of the short to indicate N's minor celebrity status, so hopefully this whole interplay makes more sense now. Good point. Will add. Messy enough to throw you from the narrative? Her thoughts are pretty messy here, so I was trying to be true to that. I don't want it to be a turn off, though, either. I'm actually hoping to let this hang in this short, as it leads right into the next one Could you elaborate on this? Last chapter we left with N angry and closing off an avenue of communication with her homeworld. This one she gets some hope and decides to someday return home. Is there something specifically that needs to be brought out more? Thank you so much for your comments! It gets at least one call out every book, and is sort of a running gag. All of these call outs won't stay in here, likely. I'll edit them down eventually. Okay, have edited to try to clear this up. Edited to call this out early on in the short I cut this waaaaay down Huh. I really missed the explanation on that, didn't I? Have added in and I think it helps a lot. Thank you, as always! How soon until we start seeing some new stuff from you on here, @Mandamon? I'll try to fix this. Hmm. I don't want him to be so sleazy he seems out of place in the Systems peace. Will ponder this one. I'm not sure how to help this, short of giving the shorts a plot continuity outside of Ne gets exile and has to meet up with Y sometime. I'll be curious to see what you think of Y's short, which I'll sub this upcoming week. Thank you for all this! Hope you're feeling better!

Overall Much enjoyed! The middle sagged just a bit, but I think if you cut some of the recap at the start that would take care of it. The usually grumbles below. Nicely done! YES! And made it all the more frustrating when they didn't choose the jobs I was the most interested in! As I go - I actually think just the first backstory paragraph is fine. The stuff after probably isn't necessary, and without it I think it would serve as a decent hook for new readers! - LOL! Yes, androids staring at walls WOULD weird people out! - page four- we already got a description of M's hair, but you haven't given either M or Q a skin tone description yet I don't think. - page five: yeah, here we get the whys of M's attachment to Q again, and much more succinctly, so I think the beginning stuff could definitely be cut - page five: eeehhhh, this characterization of the ex wife, being brought up against M, is reading a little too saint vs. slut trope (it must have a different name on TV Tropes, because I can't find it). I think the only thing you'd need to fix it would to be more specific about his gripes with the ex, and maybe find one he could share with M. Ex: His ex had wiped his bank account clean and lied to his face about where all her shiny new sports cars were coming from (make sure she doesn't spend the money on something horrifically cliche, like a man or makeup or clothes, cause then it's still a bad trope thing). At least when M lied she was stabbing someone else in the back. Also he could probably grow to like it. Maybe. He'd calmed down a lot since his marriage. - you've got an extra semi colon on page seven "...mean it wasn't;..." - Disney has a planet? Can I go? Please? You know what's scary? I can totally see Disney having a planet. - page eight: OMG I so do not want the professor to be a love interest. I want her and Q to end up being best buds who wingman for each other as they try to suss out sexualities. Pleeeeeeeeease let this be a thing! There is so much gold here my stomach is flipping. - oh boo. The professor is already out. Drat - our waitress on page eleven doesn't have skin tone descriptors, either - page thirteen: Did Q just... pseudo-tone police M? "don't curse' is right up there with 'you should smile more and people would respond better to you' in the catalogue of 'douchey things men say to girls and women that one of these days women are going to stab them in the eye for." - the tying to Shakespeare is great! - oooh, good end line!

Hey hey! Welcome to RE! Overall The prologue left me.. confused. I don't know what its purpose was, and I don't know much of anything about the characters. I'm guessing the narrative would work better if you cut it and inserted the relevant information into chapter one or later. The first part of chapter one also did not appear to have a purpose. What is the plot? What is the through line? I don't necessarily need them all spelled out, but a hint as to what they are, at this stage, would be nice. Think of it from a subbing standpoint. If an agent requests a section of your book with your query letter, it's usually the first 5K words. You have to be able to hook them in 5K, and that includes an actual hook, and some idea of the through line of the book. They have to be able to get the flavor of your work, and an idea where it is going. Right now, this book appears to be about idyllic pastoral life, and just that, alone, doesn't really make for a compelling read. I think you could trim a lot of the description and backstory out, cut the prologue entirely, and get to the meat of the work quicker. You have a great descriptive style that shouldn't be lost, but it needs to be reigned in somewhat. Unless you're just writing for you. If you're just writing for you, carry on! As I go - prelude: not a fan and generally, neither are agents. Most won't even let you sub them with your sample pages. It's either chapter one, or cut it. - woah, too many names in that first page. I don't know who any of these people are, and I don't yet care about them, so I'm likely to just forget all of this - [insert name]? - dark things coming and heroes needing to be gathered is pretty cookie cutter. You might want to be more specific - generally speaking, you should start and end your chapters with hooks that make the reader want to keep reading. Lines about dandelions do not fall, generally, into this mold, unless the dandelion is about to do something questionable - you've got a lot of commas being used where periods should go, making a lot of run on sentences. Read your work aloud. That should help ferret out a lot of these things - I'm on page six and I still don't have a hook, or an idea where this is going. I've been given a lot of info dump that is blurring in my mind, and a lot about pastures and sheep. It's hard now to keep interested - page nine, and still no through line, or hint of plot. I don't need to know how her parents met at this juncture. This... it just seems like a lot of filler, or the part where you are writing out the world for yourself, as you try to build it. In a book, most of this would be cut out. It's an important exercise for an author to do, but most writers don't want this level of detail without a reason.

Please abbreviate all relevant proper nouns (names, places). I'm hoping Yor doesn't come off as problematic in this (although he is sort of problematic by nature). I'm also hoping the various microaggressions actually land for people. Tear apart as you will. L for language

If any of you are looking to stay longer than the con, I used to live in Ireland so would be happy to provide tourism suggestions.

@Silk you have to come! You’re our fearless leader!