kais

Totally doable. I've heavily edited this whole section. Handwavium happened to the pod It's just a generic product name, actually. I should probably rectify that. It's mostly just a giant in-world joke. I don't hate you at all! My editor has similar conversations with me. I finally just outright apologized that I do not fully understand common usage, and was likely not going to recover from this condition. This is why god invented editors. Deleted already! Translation error. She was saying Ns are adults at 15 on her world. That was the plan! 'Ne needs to call home' was sort of supposed to be the through line, and all the stuff she does just to get access to a comm, just to cancel the call the moment her uncle pops up. Yes! End of this 'chapter'. One more Ne chapters, and then we move on to other characters! Next installment is the fabled bar on Mars meetup with Y. Thank you! And major thanks for the LBLs! Very helpful! Now go register for RECon!

Uh, everyone? Registration is open!! If you're new, we maybe sort of decided to do an in-person get together at WorldCon 2019 in Dublin. It will certainly be nothing like the first meetup of The Guild. Everyone is welcome. I AM SO EXCITED! ETA: SO EXCITED AND NOW OFFICIALLY REGISTERED!

This is the middle section. I think I've settled on little novelette in three parts here for Ne. Maybe. I'm drafting. Who knows? But the plan is that the next one I sub this upcoming week is the last third, wherein N meets Y. Then there is Y's short (probably one part), and then Nick's short (probably one part), then I expand into the world at large. Aheh, added in an explanation edited down Because my brain failed. I've deleted it I need to do a better job of showing this, but I just don't know how. She's 19, and she was just about at the pinnacle of her life, and now she has to go have training to do some mundane task she couldn't care less about. For 19, that would just really grate. And she's not thinking logically, just angrily. I've edited, and hopefully I've made the reason for her disdain more clear Fail on my part, apparently. It's supposed to be that she's being kicked from jobs because beings don't trust her enough to let her do anything, since she's the only Ne offworld, and their planet has a reputation for being backwater hicks. I want to convey that in a very passive aggressive manner though, since the Systems are at peace and aggressive language would probably get you arrested or something. I think I do better with this in the next short, but maybe it needs upped here. Thank you! Excellent feedback, as always! Hrm. I feel like they derail a bit no matter where I put them. Maybe I can cut them down. I probably would have, too! At this point its more flavoring than anything else, to feed into part three. I need some scene of her failing at jobs, and a series of microaggressions, to make the next part work. Must build rage and all that. I am holding onto this need for when Nick gets his short. Then it's all Journey Youth, all the time. With happiness! It has three parts. Maybe that makes it a novelette? I don't know. It has three parts. Any ideas? That's okay! I don't think every short will be for everyone. Much like Tales from Mos Eisley Cantina, I think everyone has their fav characters and will like those shorts more than others. Thank you for the feedback!

I think about 90% of this is due to this being the second 'chapter', not the first, so the whole backstory and getting kicked off her planet is missing. Sorry about that! Hopefully it wasn't too confusing! More info provided in chapter one. Violence has been eradicated. Potentially thoughtless overlooking of having a food printer onboard, has not. Oh, you'll get no argument from me on this. But it has to go somewhere early in the book, because the number one review comment I get from reviewers is 'what is the deal with the weird pronouns?' So I'm just covering it upfront. Get it out of the way. Fair enough. Easy to change. Aheh... *runs to edit* Editorially yes, but that usually gets fixed by the editor As a new reader, no. As an established reader, yes. I'll see if I can't explain it a bit I can, but too many more and the narrative will get bogged down. I'll see if I can strike a balance The distinction was made in terms of level of tech in chapter one. Sorry about that! Yeah, that's chapter one stuff, and a tie in to the first three books. You're coming into this all super cold, which I appreciate, but is probably really confusing for you. Thanks for sticking it out! I really appreciate your feedback!

In for Monday too

I'm...not sure? I'm drafting, mainly. There are three Ne shorts, so they might get comboed into a novella at the start. I think Nick's and Y's will be just shorts though. I've got a few more tertiary shorts I want to do, then I want another novella at the end (the 'one year later' tie up). I'd thought Ne would just be one short but it's definitely mutated into something else. I think I did this better in the new one? Unlikely to happen, unless I add another short. The youth aren't really problematic, is the thing. I'm not sure how to get that across. Ne doesn't want to be a part of them, and feels she has moved past that time in her life, so that's coloring her worldview. But I'm not really showing that well, it seems. Maybe the new version will be better? I look forward to all comments. And congrats on surviving the Very Formal Ceremonies!

Off Topic: Sometimes, when I'm tired but have to edit various Ard things and whatnot, I pick myself up by reading one of the Q/Mag shorts, and it always brings a smile to my face. Overall This was an absolute delight. M was on point, the tension was good, and there was plenty of backstory without info dump. I'd like to have seen a bit more of the dandy in Q in the intro, maybe picking at the chair upholstery or thinking about how the other guy's pants fit or something, to ground us in the 'competent finery' angle of Q, but everything else (baring the comments below) was just perfect. I want these Q&M stories on my shelf now, please and thank you (f-face!). As I go - page three: shouldn't it be 'eight', not 'eighty'? Or is Q being cute? - lot of Canada climate rage here. I get that. - a reminder to spell out numbers - page five: M seems to suddenly have a good head for numbers. Has she always had this? These are some very specific distances. At fourteen, and having had a mouth on me much like M, the only reason I knew the length of 6" versus a foot was because those were the lengths Subway sandwiches came in. And I'm a freaking carpenter now. - page six: I think we might need a bit more about the gadget that stops the fake wolves before it is deployed. I had to reread three times to figure out what had happened, and that she depressed a button. I'll also add, although this is just me being nitpicky, that wolf attacks always drag me from a narrative because they're just not a thing that happens. I know they are 100% fairy tale fodder, and they're so common in cultural stories than no one questions them, but actual wolves just don't behave like this. Android wolves could be entirely different, of course, but real wolves would not care at all about a young girl near a residence, unless there was den she was nearby. And hello from the future! I see a footnote to explain the zapper. Definitely put that in text, in M's thoughts. It'd be great! - For the Inuit v. Eskimo v. other options debate, I think I finally found a good source of explanation (and you're choice appears to be correct). - page eight: the flirting question. I'd love to see Q have a little thrill run down his spine or something before dismissing it. Nail that landing! We're all here for delightfully uptight, bisexual Q and his foul-mouthed companion - of course M thought a mustache was a good disguise. I love her - Tom Selleck jokes are always on point - page 11 has me laughing loudly - I just... can't...laughing...too hard... f- face....

Which reminds me - since you're on sub now I'd suggest having @Silk delete all your old TMM posts, just to be safe.

Please abbreviate all names and places. This is still a rough draft so be as brutal as you like. I tried to solve the larger issues of lacking a through line, and the tension just not being there for the first half. Hopefully at least those are fixed!

All alone in the empty writer's void...

I'll be the voice of dissent. I thought she sounded fine for ten. Girls can grow up fast around this age, depending on external stimuli.

In for Monday!

I deleted the whole first segment, on @Robinski's suggestion. Hopefully that brings up the tension. One of my goals was to give more Systems background in this than in the books. I was trying to add a bit more filler to this, but I confess I don't really know how to do that gracefully. I'll just keep trying different angles and hopefully you all will keep telling me when it doesn't work! Yes, this is the end goal for the N origin story, but she's got to be in a pretty desperate place to sign on with him, so I have to get her there, first. That's what I'm trying to do with this story, but clearly failing. Your comment about not knowing where this is going is spot on. I need to get a through line in here. Yeah. All I'm trying to do is show that she sticks out. This was a late stage edit in AFD! By design. Too much? Yes, that's Yor. They officially meet on Mars, but that's the next short. First we must break Ne down to desperation. What I'm trying to set up, and clearly failing at, is that N sees herself as an adult, ready for adult responsibility, and she's had that taken away from her (via the president), and now the Ris are trying to take away what little agency she has left. It grates. She's always pushed against the flow, and had arguments, and now she's in a world where everyone is super polite and and nice and doesn't yell, because she's a kid and doesn't know better. And it's suppose to make her angry as heck, as well as set up (based upon the upcoming microaggressions), how she still had a somewhat difficult life as a youth, and Nick didn't, thereby setting up their antagonism in AFD. But clearly, I need to work on this a lot. To edits! Thank you!!

Because N is in hot denial of A's existence? Argh! So one of my goals for this book was to spend more time worldbuilding, as I wanted to fill in a lot of gaps. I was planning on doing this through the origin stories, as the characters learn about the Systems. This chapter was N's first encounter with outside species, and I was going for 'depressed wonder', but sounds like I hit closer to info dump? Good point. That was not well clarified. Yeah, this story needs a better name. Right now it's best descriptor would be 'Petty Annoyances Send N Into Contract With Gigantic Terran'. Correct. Fixing now I wonder if I should play up emotions more? I wanted this first part to show how serious the president was, in that she wasn't straight up exiled, she was exiled and left to die. Maybe starting a little earlier with the near-starvation? I dunno. Open to suggestions. The arc of this story is supposed to be A) understanding how severe this exile is, B.) realizing she is woefully underprepared to be out alone, C) getting oriented in the Systems (including developing a dislike of Ris and J. Youth, and eventually, D), getting N into the situation where she is desperate enough to take a job with a tramp transport captain. I really want to draw parallels with Nick's personal journey in book one, to show why Ne is always on his case (him being coddled a lot more than she ever was, under similar circumstances, although many of those circumstances are by her own doing). Help? It's not the only focus, it's just what the system is known for. It's one of those things I'd like to explain at some point, but it'd take an adventure on one of the planets to do so. Actually, that might be kind of fun... Check. I like this idea. More desperation! You're right! Forgot the why! Yes, this is the pesky problem with the world I've created. She's never in any real danger once she gets rescued, but then again, Ne doesn't know that. Instead, I'm trying to build up slights through micro aggressions, so I'll be curious next week to see how well those are picked up. Thank you, as always! Off to edit now!

HUGE congratulations! Did you sub under WTF, or under SF? I... don't know how that is possible considering its POD. It might be that you order it and then it will magically appear 'in stock'. Alternatively I could mail you a print copy if you'd like.

Hello, and congrats on your first sub! Overall It was a good first draft, and held together alright. Little girl magician is interesting to me, and, generally, I'd be hooked to reading the next chapter (quibbles below aside) Parts could be trimmed, especially the prologue (which has no bearing on the first chapter) and first few pages of the first chapter. I don't have any sympathy for our lead little girl right now, as I don't know enough about her circumstances and her hatred of large people was a real turnoff. As noted below, you'll want to check the skin tone issue. You've got an assumption of whiteness, and a derogatory insinuation of black skin as being alien. That needs to go. Otherwise, decent first draft! Unfortunately, this information would be a much better hook than a victim head hop POV. I'm on team 'keep us in I's head' This is very true, and obesity jokes just aren't funny if you really stop to think about them. #iagreewithmandamon Yes this! This is what I want to read, not the robbery! As I go - I think you should start the cold open on the last paragraph of the first page. It has much more connection and actually grounds us in the character. The stuff before just seemed like fluff and since I don't care about this character yet, none of it mattered to me - FYI: prologues aren't in vogue anymore, and many agents won't even let you sub them. Probably best to just cut it, since there isn't enough there to ground us in a character - for chapter one (which I would suggest be your new opening chapter), I suggest starting on the last paragraph of page three. This is where the action starts, and this is where I get interested in the book. The stuff before, like with the prologue, isn't relevant yet because I don't know the character at all - If the body shaming is supposed to be in-character, fine, that tells me a lot about our MC (and I lose sympathy for her). It reads more like authorial voice though, so be careful with that. It's not good tone to take in a narrative - page six: Stormborn? Too Game of Thrones. Suggest changing - head hopping mid-chapter is also discouraged currently by agents, and can often lead to an auto-reject on just POV shift alone. If you're planning on shopping this around, I suggest removing mid-chapter POV shifts in favor of chapter POV shifts, and making sure to give us a few of our first protag before shifting over - you're treating white skin as the default (and black skin as otherworldly). Of our characters thus far, you have only given skin tone to the black one, who is derogatorily described as a monster. This all should be changed to avoid casual racism - Pug is pretty two dimensional and a bad caricature--a fat man obsessed with excess. Another character calls him 'pudgy' (although I assume this is the magic of the little girl?) and the body shaming imagery is really being hit over the head. He's fat. We get it. Rolling it into his apparent hoarding of money is a really unkind trope. - if being storm born is so rare, how does Pug know about it?

Just saw you're subbing tomorrow. Hope these comments help! As I go - I think your one sentence synopsis is too wordy, and that wordiness makes it lack punch. I'm pretty certain if I use the spoiler function the search engine won't pick this up, but I can delete later if you'd like. My edit suggestion is below - don't include what edit it is. - 'Mankind' should be 'humankind'. I prefer to believe sexism is dead in 2099 - tense change, paragraph one! 'Was a shill', 'is trying to', etc. Keep it consistent - Callan's paragraph could be much tighter. It wanders. Suggest: - More tense changes. 'He's going to' needs to just be past tense, like everything else. Keep it all past tense - wait, missing critical info. Why is Q and M survival now tied to the company? Transition missing - spell out numbers Overall I feel like the synopsis misses a lot of the Q and M interaction. It might be nice to call out at least once instance of M's resourcefulness to show the relationship between the two, since that is really the strength of this book. Otherwise, good start! - on book two, you need more specifics. Face to face with a past he left behind is too vague and doesn't tell me anything. Need more specifics! - Oooh, the third one gave me chills! I like that one a lot! Good stakes there. - bio looks just fine To the extract! - all sports metaphors are lost on me - I adore M messages. Much laughing - oxygen isn't a proper noun - LOL! Love 'shut up mode' - font change, page 16. But you'll want to standardize all your fonts to TNR, per AR guidelines anyway - Mary has a pikachu mug? Excellent! Overall Ooh, that was delightful! Loved the bits about the parents, which helps show why M 'hates' the woman. Good flow, good tension, and of course, love M. This was great! Good luck on your sub!

That's the enamel pin for book two! I had fancy pins made of all the major ships. Book two launched in October, so is available now! UK link here. Third book comes out next May, and if I ever get this book of shorts written (you all know how well that's going), it should be about eight months from that. And hey @Mandamon, Seeds came in the mail yesterday, and WOW is that a thick book! It'll double as a burglar deterrent. All the illustrations and the map really make it a neat thing. Loving the extras!

Forgot to include the language tag in the email. Much cursing. Our protagonist has a lot of range. If you could abbreviate names and places I would appreciate it!

Re: Angry Robot Open Door Many of the submitters congregate here. If you'd like, you can add your name to the spreadsheet. That thread is also where Pete gives updates as he hears them from AR. He signed with them after the first open door, I believe, and is therefore our update mole.

I'd do it sooner rather than later. They read as they come in, and Rs have already started coming out! (two known rejections, at this point) I remember now the lack of query letter. Nice in some ways, rougher in terms of this for sure.

I think this would have been best in your sub letter at the start of the entry, in terms of name dropping...unless you have his direct contact info??

In for Christmas day! RE party!

IT'S A JAR OF DEATH! Happy Holidays, everyone!

Certainly not someone who dressed up as a Highlander character for trick-or-treating with you back when we were far, far too old to be doing so. Those old AFD versions can go ahead and die, please and thank you.