kais

I'm still toying with this. I put him in, and then deleted him, and now I'm mulling. Apparently I am the only one (aside from Ne) who dreams of melting people. I'm going to embrace this weirdness. Early early versions of AFD had more sections about stuk, and how other people viewed it, and how irritating it was. They got cut long before I ever found my way to RE, but that was at least one part of the universe I had moderately figured out. @industrialistDragon probably remembers them. Thank you, as always, for the feedback, and CONGRATS on the book launch! Hoping to see mine in the mail soon!

Ugh, it was a slog! I mean, I loved it, but I also hated it? I saw we rated it about the same on Goodreads. The worldbuilding was beautiful and the gender and sexuality diversity made my heart so happy but...there was fundamentally no character development. There was tons of setting dump (which I don't inherently dislike!), too many POVs (bordering on George RR Martin level of 'here's a POV character to drive a plot because I'm a poor writer, now watch them die), and the only character I ever really connected with was the Zezil's (sp?) husband. He emoted. No one else emoted! The Stars are Legion is on my TBR pile, so I'm hoping for more gender and sexual fluidity, and maybe a little more character to go along with them.

Nothing is ruined! We all write parts of stories that end up getting axed. I routinely delete thousands of words from any give manuscript in progress each time I do an editorial round. We have to write the world to know it, and sometimes the getting there just isn't necessary for the readers. The process is still valid, and we love having stuff to crit here, regardless of content or level (though I could live the rest of my life without reading another fridge scene). You're one of us now. You can never get rid of us, no matter the writing. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

As I also have a pie making problem, this resonates with me on a deeply personal level.

Nope! I've toned this down on both accounts. More brooding now, and maybe a little circumspect. Solid point. I wonder if I should stick the uncle into that first family scene. My big plan was to have the next short deal directly with him, and I don't know if including him in the first short would add or detract. Will try and see how it goes. Okay, making a note to be much more clear on this. Time for yet another rewrite!

Overall I love Moth, as always. The general storyline is fine, with some comments below. The only real problem I saw was that there doesn't seem to be an arc to this chapter, either. It has the start of one, but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop when the end came. It feels like we're missing the last page or two, with the something happened and now we have building tension step. The easiest thing to do would be to have Moth think on how she needs to escape the android to make the delivery, and have her question how to do that (as that would tie in with the start of the chapter). Then have her try to escape doing something particularly destructive or dangerous, and leave the chapter with something like 'that stupid android had better not follow her' or something more colorful. That would give us tension and a hook to keep reading, too! Looking forward to next week! As I go - I love Moth, but this isn't the most rousing of intros. Could she be doing something borderline illegal or maybe just mischievous? Maybe defacing the stonework or peeing on a bush or... I don't know. Smoking? - I think this chapter should start at the 'A crumpled tissue' line, as that is where the action starts. It's a stronger section, too, because of the semen innuendo - typo on tissue on page six - An ice cream calzone sounds awful. - The aunt relents to let Moth go into this very dangerous situation, very easily. I feel like it would be more interesting if Moth had to work for it more - Warm evenings full of summer dresses and... You are so close to really nailing this line! I think you need another adjective for the summer dresses. They're....airy, fun, light, carefree, colorful, freeing, etc. - Moth quip on page eight. Oh, how I've missed Moth - I have a deep concern about a lacquer that is still offgasing after years, unless this is a refinished panel? - feels like we're missing a beat at the end

Hoorah and welcome to RE! We're straightforward, but a fun group once you get to know us. Always glad to see some new faces! Overall I had a hard time with this. The piece is filled with sexists, borderline misogynist tropes. I've link to some of them in case you're unfamiliar. While the world is interesting and the end showed some good emotion, I'd have never read past the first paragraph had I picked this book up in the store. My suggestion would be to have a cruise through the tropes and take a long look at how you portray female characters in the narrative. If you need any help or want to bounce ideas around, just let me know. I look forward to your edits! In terms of prologues- they're not in fashion anymore. Of course you should write what you like, but note that if you are planning on subbing this to agents, most won't take a prologue at all and will have you submit starting with the first chapter. So if you are planning on eventual publication, you might consider whether the prologue is truly necessary. Agreed. I didn't connect with him at all until the last page. Yup. All this, but with links, below! As I go - First sentence in and I think the official RE fridge counter is about to be reset. Related: opening with a dead woman is a very quick way to get me to put down a book. - Narrator voice isn't done so much anymore. Not that it's inherently good or bad, but it's rare enough these days that it'll make it tougher to get an agent. Just a heads up. - So early for female on female antagonism. This would also be another strike for me - Redundancy on 'queen' there in the second to last paragraph of the first page - page two: he knocked this woman up before he ever knew of the queen so he's been married...a few months? - seeing a lot of typos here in these first few pages. Have a read out loud. That usually helps me find a lot of mistakes - POV is confusing. Did we switch somewhere on page two to third limited? - page three: If you want the reader to hate the king, all is well. If you're trying to drive empathy for him... the dialogue needs to be rethought. He's yelling at his wife who is rightfully angry at him for adultery, and making this about her being a shew and too emotional. The king is being emotionally manipulative. - 'Beautiful' means relatively little. Give us some window into the king's view of beauty - She was too pure? She wasn't like other girls, was she? This is another dangerous, borderline misogynistic trope. - He was weak, and he let all of this happen by giving into his own desire, breaking his morals, and granting her wish of remembrance by giving her a son. So wait, is she pure and innocent or is she a seductress? The tropes are hopping now, and neither are even remotely flattering. - The king's dialogue on page four is pretty stilted - Kristina is having a lot of legit emotions here and the king is gaslighting her on every one. - She’s a bit… unstable at the moment, as you probably already know. She's unstable because she has emotions? Not okay. The king can have emotions, apparently, but when a woman has emotions, something must be wrong with her. Hardcore gaslighting here, not even borderline abusive. Full on abusive. - page six: wait, there are two illegitimate kids? An older boy and a newborn girl? Is that right? That might need to be better spelled out earlier - His wife was slowly killing him with each mistake he made. He should just be allowed to get away with breaking the vows of marriage? No one should hold him accountable, or just his wife shouldn't hold him accountable? This guy is a real piece of work. - page eight: wait, confused again. The newborn is a boy? Were there twins? I think I need it spelled out like page one, the specifics on this kid - page nine: So Lana is six weeks older so she's...the wife's kid? Yes? - page ten: of course Kristina loathed Emma. See earlier link. - the end few pages are interesting and the world is coming together, but the issues above painted the whole story in a pretty sexist light

Errr...can't help you on this one. Everyone has the same name on this planet, and they just use titles or modifiers. It's explained why in book one and I was hoping that the common name issue could be picked up in context from the first short but...maybe not? It gets muddier later but it is about tree clearing. The whole series is about one particular species of tree. I don't know how to make this more relevant without a huge info dump at the start. How bad is your disconnect? Does the exile part keep you interested enough to get more world in the next chapter? Yes. Why indeed? If this question is being raised, all is well! Hoping this comes through in the next short. I guess for new readers I'm relying pretty heavily on a general disdain for plantation forestry and deforestation, and/or a connection with oppressive religious policies. I'll see if I can be more specific on some things. Good to know there isn't much buy in from new readers. Will edit. Thank you so much for all the comments!

Well drat. I blame my most recent read, MIRROR EMPIRE, for this. It was super exposition heavy. Okay. I'll go through and see what can be trimmed out. You're probably going to have to suffer through this again next week now, too. I've edited a bit but he is doing this all on purpose, which is discussed in the end of the third book. I want this to be enjoyable for those readers while misdirecting new ones. Maybe too much misdirection? Good call! Added. Hmm. Will rethink. Edited! That was kind of the idea. Maybe I need to back it up a bit? Excellent comments. Thank you! Hey, I'm just glad to see you around these parts again! @industrialistDragon noted this too. I'll take a few out and hopefully that will help. Point taken. Have edited. Huh. We have conflicting feedback on this. I'll take another pass anyway and see how it looks. There's payoff to the subplot, but it's the end of book three. In theory people are coming off book three right into this book of shorts, and these actions are highly relevant. But to a new reader, maybe just confusing? He should seem like a bit of a jerk, but not wholly unlikable. I was hoping the sibling banter would diffuse some of that. Argh, okay, was wondering about this. The next short is going to deal with it but I don't want this to be so jarring that people don't read it. What are your thoughts? Okay to explain in second short, or do I need a little bit more religion in this one? Thank you so much! Always great to see you on the board!

This is part of a long running gag through the series. Could very well be. I'll go poke it with a sharp stick and see if it moves. Argh so, here is the bind I'm in. I WANT to say 'the Ne president', so it's clear he's the president of the planet, but then it's redundant in the paragraph with Ne's name. Yes, I did this to myself by having a species without individual names but I'm three books in and can't change it now so...ugh. I'll continue limping on my shot foot. It's the cold open (start of the new book). I'm trying not to bog down the first few pages but maybe I went a little too fast? 'Zie' is a gender neutral pronoun, so would no be capitalized. Because book three! This is supposed to be a good in-world gimme for the series readers, but I don't want him to come off too smug, either. But fundamentally he knows where this is going and he orchestrated most of it so yeah, he's pretty smug. We have a winner! I've already spelled out so much that I didn't want to spell this out, too, and was hoping people could pick it up from context. Hence the reference to the child name, and the edited modifier at the end. Since you figured it out and you're new to the world I'm hoping it's okay! Edited I'll DM you! There are, in fact, three whole books about N. Thank you so much for the thorough critique!

Hey hey, I finally got back to this! Did version two clear up the rushed feeling by chance? I don't know? I don't remember Tales from Mos Eisley Cantina having much backstory either, but every story had the same end point, so that was different. I don't know what to do here, except that this book of shorts is quickly becoming a N origin story novella, for better or for worse. Ah well. I'll keep writing and see how things shake out. I had some name typos in this. Apologies. Her actual name is 'Daughter of the....', but generally they're all known as Ne. I think the new draft cleared this up a bit? Maybe? I think the current plan is to use this as a launching board for perhaps another trilogy, if the sales go okay. There's going to be a 'one year later' novella in the back that starts setting up new conflict. Well, in my mind there will be. I'm only 20K into this new book so who knows. Thank you both! On to this week!

Just as a quick FYI - We leave names abbreviated because we don't want Google picking them up, because most of us are on a publishing track. Using character names in crit won't harm a story, and plagiarism is really hard to do through a public forum and email server like this. If you do get your story published though, and readers Google it, you don't want their search bringing them back to 17th Shard and a decade old crit on like, draft two. This site indexes fast. For instance. @industrialistDragon used the name of a planet in my book in last week's crit of my work. The very next day, when I did a Google search, the entire thread was in the top five hits. So there are reasons to be careful, but plagiarism is way down the list. :)

Please abbreviate all places and names. This is a (longer) revised edition of what came through last week. Hopefully I fixed most of the issues, although I still haven't been through everyone's comments from last week. I'm catching up, I swear!

There was an unfortunate incident on a wet boardwalk in a spruce forest. The antagonist was a pointed wooden post about six inches off the ground.

Same. All for one and one for all!

I was not forewarned that this Alaska trip would involve mandatory boat rides across ocean. Skiffs are tiny and I think I have well established my issue with boats and motion sickness. It was a hard, hard week. Bonus, while I did lose consciousness during the trip, it was not from knocking my head against the wall of the skiff due to choppy waters. I was warned that could happen ahead of time. o_O

I don't know why I do this. I drop that darn n off almost every time. @Mandamon used to joke about it in line edits. This is the consensus. I've change the intro to this short entirely, and this is now a much slimmed down middle section. Will resubmit on Monday and see if it's any better! I made one but for the life of me can't remember it. It's in one of the books though! Hah! I've dealt with this, I think, by adding a front section. Will see next week! Hmm. I was going more for that sort of native privilege of upper class youth. Sort of an 'occupy wall street' mentality. She's used to being untouchable because of her uncle. Hopefully the new intro to the short will help. I feel like I'm pinning a lot of hopes on this new intro now. Thank you so much! Excellent comments, as always.

In for Monday, pending space

Yes! My current plan is to have shorts at the start (mostly origin stories and how the crew met), a few secondary character stories, and half the full back half of the book be a novella for 'one year after'. I think that strikes a good balance? I don't know, but hoping you all will tell me after we slog through it all! The question then is whether to start with the shorts or with the novella. I've seen it done both ways and wonder if the origin stories make sense first because they fill in gaps? Or lead with the novella and have the shorts as a treat at the end? I'd love to hear people's thoughts.

Ummm... did I send the working document??? Darn it all. Sorry everyone! Please just read the first part and ignore everything else! ARGH!

@MasterJack you should also PM @Silk, as she moderates the list.

This is so true! My theory is that, with the new trend, esp in SFF, to keep things snappy and moving along, we cut out a lot of the 'home' moments. But readers still want those things, and most of us end up writing them, even if they get cut later. A number of authors have found that people will revisit the world just for the shorts and cut scenes (I guess this holds for movies, too, eh?), hence, this book. The tricky part for me will be still making the sections arc, and making them accessible to readers unfamiliar with the world. I was hoping to find a balance similar to Tales from Mos Eisley Cantina, from the Star Wars Legends Expanded Universe series. But I don't know how well I will pull it off. Shorts like this are fundamentally a mixture of cut scenes and author fanfic. Should I pretend it is anything more than fan service? Input much appreciated.

More Moth and Quirk? Yes please! Overall It's a lot tighter than last time! A few areas still could use some work, as noted below. My main question is, what is the purpose of the first Quirk chapter? It doesn't seem to have an arc or purpose. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem to do anything other than introduce Quirk, and for subbing it probably needs some larger goal, like he delivers something or meets someone (moreso than he already does, or make the meeting he does have more important?). Looking forward to seeing Moth again, too! Nice work! As I go - solid first paragraph with a good hook - Might want to put 'planet' or something in front of 'Groombr....', to give the reader some idea of the where this person's memories are going. A few more specifics in that one sentence would help a lot. Ex: Mining planet Groom 34A1, what a F it had been for everyone, not just the miners on his crew. - FOX is still around in 2099? *cries* - I have been advised by numerous agents not to head hop in the first few chapters of a book. General wisdom given to me was to get readers well invested in one character before introducing another, especially as an unknown author. - Oh wait, this is the same character, isn't it? You need a way to tie that first segment to the second because even having read this before, it took me a minute to realize it was the same person. Wait AGAIN, and hello from the future. It IS a different person. So much confusion. I actually think it would be a lot more fun to stay in the first POV during the body switch. It would be a great hook. - page six: so if he has a scrotum already, what is he trying to purchase? The full package? The joke is unclear this time around - still love that first class line - 'stick up' still in use in 2099? - arc? I enjoy the descriptions and such in this chapter, but unsure of its purpose

@MasterJack maybe check your spam folder? @industrialistDragon has confirmed it went through. If you DM me I can just send it to your email, if nothing else. Anyone else not get it?

Look! It's the first day and I'm doing a crit! BACK ON THE BANDWAGON! Overall Interesting. I want more backstory on Shy, and the stones thing (I am not yet even remotely invested in the plot because I don't know anything about it), and more emotion from Shy, but generally this is going in an interesting direction. I'd like to see Shy developed more as a character though, definitely. Yup, this. #iagreewithmandamon As I go - Redundancy on 'room' there in your first two sentences - For a woman so blasé about death, I find it hard to believe she is wearing a skirt. Unless you're going to build her as more of an old school 'women wear skirts and I can't be bothered with pants but if you drop a crumb on my floor I will beat you' type of matron. Basically, from what little I know of this woman thus far, her skirts confuse me BUT that doesn't make them wrong. Just makes me have questions. As long as those questions get addressed before she ends up in some battle, I'm good - wasn't TonHar female in the last one? Am I confusing names? - First part of page two: we don't get a lot of emotion from this woman. I need more emotion. Not like, crying, but is the sandstone cold and it hurts her arthritis? Is she upset about the dirt on her highly impractical but perhaps family heirloom skirt? She doesn't seem to much care about bodies, so is she just sick of having to move dead people around? - the hairstyle aside makes the woman seem younger, imo. I'd expect her to have irritation more over hairstyles, and changing them - might make one of those masters in the room at the end female or some gender other than male. Just your friendly gender balance reminder. Ladies be about half the population (unless your world has skewed birthrates, which could totally be a thing)