kais

Well, I think you basically have two options. 1) no fighting, because there are no stakes, and work on emotional development instead (which your characters could use in this piece for sure). 2) allow for damage that looses abilities. If they can't die, but can be injured, there are at least some stakes. Work out some type of system where certain types of damage have permanent effects that echo through the whole piece. No recovery. If Character X gets her arm chopped off, it doesn't grow back, and that two-handed katana now can't be used and X has to learn a new sword, which means she is now a terrible sword fighter. Character Y gets speared through the kidney and now has a dialysis machine he can't go anywhere without and he keeps getting tangled in the cords, and this amazing hero is now mostly useless except maybe as a brilliant tactician (see, character growth! He has to give up fighting but his mind is still good and now he leads!). Basically, actions have to have consequences, and those consequences have to be permanent. It doesn't have to be death, but you have to give us something.

I'd like to submit on the 7th if there is space

I just sent a new proposal to my nonfiction editor so...yeah. Time management -100. But, maybe another book baby! The nice thing about nonfiction is that you don't need a finished product to get a contract. Maybe I'll just set myself a three year timeframe for the book and not stress out. (hah, yeah, right)

Thanks @Robinski and @industrialistDragon! I think I'll go with 'long-tailed boat' and see if that works better.

Yes. Does it work, or should I have S sit on them or something? That's an easy enough fix T is supposed to be facing away, and looking over her shoulder at S. Will try to clear up I am officially soliciting the hive mind here for help. Photo of boat above. Suggestions on how best to describe it for a primarily US audience? Have fixed, I think. Thank you for the feedback, as always! Yup! I put in a specific number of people, but unsure what to do after that. I refer you to the photo and beg for help! Eh, sometimes. It's rare, but with all the piraña, if the anaconda is hungry it might go for it. It's a bit of a stretch (I only encounter them in the center of lakes, usually, and they're pretty tame, even if you kick them...heh), but I'm going to take just a smidge of creative license here Ah, good catch, because people unfamiliar would have no idea of the strength requirements for a binder. Have edited. Check. Editing now. On it! This is me being an idiot and forgetting we are in a time before electricity. Duh There will be more on this later. It isn't meant to be super clear now unless you're 'in the community,' but our tailor friend here is a transgender male. I'm trying for a slow explanation throughout the book between the differences between being trans nonbinary and trans binary. We'll see how well that works out. Hoorah! Thank you for all the detail work! Looks like this chapter works for everyone, so on we go! New stuff next week!

The canoe holds about thirty and requires both a captain (at the lead, to direct, especially for floatsam) and someone to work the motor and rudder. ETA: the Thai ones that are used for people transport can hold more than one hundred, I think, so they do come in different lengths and widths, but are always this canoe shape. Maybe 'longboat' would work better? Except that is very specifically a native design.

Solid concerns. I think the end deals with this well, but I look forward to your thoughts on it when/if we get there. For sure! This next week I'll do a new interlude that I've just added (so, new to everyone), then probably will jump ahead a few chapters. Do you want me to send you the ones inbetween, or just the whole working document? Thank you for the comments! Was it not clear enough that a lot of those were S's personal biases? Hrm. Might need to think on this one. Only if people fall overboard! Could I ask you to revisit this thought in two chapters, when we get more information? The two issues are tied directly together, so it's important they are discovered together, but if it isn't working, I'll need to do something about it Yay! Thank you for the comments! S does not use pronouns (and let me tell you, trying to write the whole book without them was a pain), but for our purposes here, 'they' is fine. So... it works in showing that S has a hard time controlling and dealing with emotions? Yes? Or is it too confusing? Ooh, I like it. Adding now. Okay, several people had issues with the boat. This type of boat is a real thing, that exists in numerous developing countries I have lived in. I am clearly failing at describing it. I've got a picture below. Anyone have thoughts on how I can better discuss it? Okay okay, I've taken this part out (but these darn things are always leaking, it seems) These things topple at the drop of a hat, so even standing up to pee can flip everyone into the water. I've added a line about this Yup. It's not too difficult with this style of boat. Suggestions on how to make it seem less weird? added! Other people had this issue, too. I've clarified. Yup. I think I got this taken care of too, when I edited for why S was dunked. Thank you! These were great comments and very helpful! Gender neutral language. (This canoe is on the Madre De Dios river in the middle of the Peruvian Amazon, if anyone is curious. It's the boat I have to use to get to my field sites, four hours nonstop from base camp, which is 1.5 hours from the port town. River is infested with everything in the story minus the piranha, which are in the lakes (and are delicious)).

Argh, yes. A number of people commented on this. During my last round of edits it would seem some things got lost in translation. Will fix. It was just supposed to be a bit of color but if it is tripping people up it can be removed easily enough Woo! Glad this is coming through! Hrm. Ponderable. I'll think on this one Wonderful! I'm on the right track then. Thank you for the feedback! I ended up taking the second one out. Flowed much better. Good catch! Yay! And she gets to have a name again! Fair! Hoorah! Thank you for the feedback. So glad its working better.

Whew, thanks for these, @industrialistDragon! Very comprehensive. I finally got through all of them! This is now the spiffiest chapter one ever!

Welcome back! Overall Your writing gets better and better, but some persistent issues remain (such as the death that doesn't stick issue that I bring up every time). Props for an excellent gender balance though in your characters, per usual. My main issue with the piece was the dialogue, which seemed to all have the same voice, and seemed forced. Noting what you said about cutting stuff down, I wonder if just a simple read through and tweak wouldn't fix it up? As I go - life flower or white flower? Confusion here - bit infodumpy at the bottom of page four - I keep reading 'Focus' as "Force', and getting Star Wars vibes - page six: the dialogue here, and with the little girl at the start, seems stilted. None of the characters have a distinct 'voice', I think, which is most of the problem. Who they are should come out more in the words they chose - page seven: how does he get up and walk away if he gave all his energy to the dying girl? Surely his energy doesn't just replenish in a matter of minutes. If so, he really isn't giving anything up to heal, is he? This is the same issue as with your people who die but don't really die, from previous subs. Just need the consequences of actions to stick, to make the cost actually be a cost - page twelve: the dialogue continues to have the above issue. If I stripped the dialogue tags, I would have no idea who was saying what. Everyone talks the same, and it seems forced - WRS? I can't remember the buy-in for these characters. It's making it hard to care about the outcome of this fight. - page fourteen: need some type of mark to show we're switching scenes and POVs. I was confused there for a minute - page seventeen: I've mentioned this numerous times but again, characters who cannot die make for boring characters. Without stakes, why do I care about the fighting. If they will just regenerate, why fight at all? - I'm not sure what they are talking about on page eighteen

Hello again! Overall Well written, as always, but I'm not sure what the point was? The story seemed to lack direction and purpose. I agree with @industrialistDragon that you could cut a lot of this, probably up to 50% of it. I'd also like to see an actual start of an arc within it and connect with the protagonist well before halfway through. I think it has promise, just needs some tidying up. As I go - if the botanist is female, then she isn't a 'classman'. Same goes for the manager - you've got tense jumping on page two - page four: okay, I'm ready for the story to start. The asides are getting a little too info dumpy and are stealing any tension build up we might have otherwise had - page five: botany is not a proper noun - page eight: while I enjoy the tech, since I have no interest in the protagonist, it is hard to get invested. I also don't know what the direction of the story is, what the protag's goals are, or the general purpose of the narrative. For subbing, you want to get those things front and center pretty early - page eleven, and I now have enough information on Ed to care about him - page twelve: always write out numbers. - page fifteen: wait, that's it? I'm confused. Aren't we basically where we started?

Welcome back!! Overall The writing was just fine, but the story lacked buy-in. By the third page I really wanted to know who our protag was, and why he was doing the things he was doing, because without those things, I just don't care about his actions. I think you need more motivations and backstory, seeded in here or there, if you want the reader to connect with the protagonist. The gender ratio around the palace also has me concerned, but it's just the first two chapters, so I'm going to just raise an eyebrow for now. Carry on, and thanks for submitting! As I go - redundancy on 'keep wall' and 'keeping', and then 'keeping up appearances' - I love how well you built expectation with the vault, just to have him fall - page three: starting to get a little long here with what the man is doing, considering I know nothing about him and am not yet invested in his struggle - page four: screams of fathers, husbands, and brothers? Are there women anywhere in this land? If not, I hope you get into reproduction because I would be fascinated. - oh wait, no, there is a mention of a mother and screaming. If the death of his mother is this man's motivator, I'll be back later with links and a firm head shake. As it stands, if there are women in this world, why are none of them guards or otherwise hanging out at this castle? - on page five, the exposition about the baron seems out of place. Might need a better transition - page six: yes, definitely hard not to skim since I'm not invested in this character. I need to know why he does the things he does before seeing them, so I know why I should be reading

Hmm, I don't know! I'll ask the graphic artist when I get the first cover mock up. It's a good point!

I wish I could, since I have some new stuff, but I've got copyedits for ASD I have to go through and I maybe just committed to doing a new nonfiction book. You'd think I'd have learned more about time management by now.

Welcome back! Overall As with before, the writing is solid and enjoyable. The text reads smoothly. I think my overall comment is mostly about absolution, which is the theme of this piece, and how it comes too easily to everyone. Forgiveness is one thing, absolution is another, and even forgiveness seems to not really be earned. I think a little more work might need to be done in that area to help it resonate more. In contrast to everyone else, I didn't mind the journal style. Overall though, well done! Your questions I would suggest expanding it. You need a bit more to the story so the forgiveness aspect is actually earned I agree. Though the language was a little stilted, the actual confession was good. Yes this! I'd love a bit more on the blossoms, too! I agree here as well. As I go - 97% of his weight? How is that possible??? Did his bones melt away? I need details, otherwise it just seems highly implausible - first page has a number of minor typos. Might be worth reading the text aloud to catch these things - the conversation between the priest and Trevor comes off just a little stilted. Not horribly stilted, but just a bit - page four: there's head hopping going on here. Unsure whose POV we are in - page five: I am cautiously wary of the abuser apologist tone coming from this area, but it's not too strong yet. I'll keep on - page seven: noting the horribleness of Trebor's crimes, I don't see how consuming a few blossoms really absolves him. The absolution comes too easy, I think. - I don't believe Yra's forgiveness at all. What happened to her was 100% her father's fault, and since we haven't been shown that she has severe Stockholm Syndrome or something, again, this comes off as too easy absolution - page 12: the explanation of Trebor moving the tree ends with 'he did it', which is a bit anticlimactic. I think a little bit more would be nice here - top of page 14 is a little confusing. I'm not sure who Trebor has met in his dreamscape - the absolution of E comes off a little too easy too, I think

Initial thoughts before reading: wait, we're still in the kitchen chapter? Why? It was too long already in the first half. Although maybe if you condensed the first half into something like and then he got a job washing dishes, which helped develop his muscles over the next four years, then this would work? Unsure. Going in to read now. Overall I am in agreement with @Robinski and @Mandamon that this chapter needs a great deal of condensing. Three pages, four at the most, could tell us the same these two half chapters. I see the story there, for sure, but cutting is needed. Don't fret too much though, we all have to do cutting, sometimes even to our favorite parts. Such is writing! As I go - uncle is not a proper noun, and neither is dad - 'beautiful' isn't properly descriptive, for a person. You'll want to be more specific than that. Also, the word 'wore' is redundant in that paragraph - I'm a few pages in (I'd appreciate it if you could page numbers on this, since you're subbing in rtf and not word), and there are numerous typos. It does make this hard to read. Proofing the sub a few more times before submitting would be wonderful. - the dialogue around the 'god child' area is stilted and doesn't feel natural. You might try reading it outloud. That would help with typos, and help you to hear what sounds like natural dialogue and what doesn't - My mind is wandering with all this dish stuff again. It's making it really hard not to skim, and the typos toss me from the narrative when I do manage to get engaged. - the narrative is a bit more interesting once P is out of the kitchens, and it looks like the chapter actually does arc there a bit near the end. Typos though, still abound

Quick heads up - the sub guidelines request attaching a document. This is especially helpful for those of us without continuous internet, who may read on planes and such. If you could submit by attaching the document in the future, I would appreciate it! Overall I had to DNF this one. You hit a lot of tropes early on, and I didn't get a sound sense of setting, which is pretty normal in a draft so I could deal with that. Your use of females, however, was very concerning to me, and I had to stop reading. I think some time looking at tropes, as well as how you use women in your narratives, would be useful for your next draft. Keep at it! We all need to revise, so no shame in that. As I go - I think your opening line could be stronger, especially for your cold open. Not being terrified isn't much of a hook - Man, I was terrified - This should probably be shown better. He seemed sarcastic, not terrified, especially since the opening line said he wasn't scared. - He’d been the strongest supporter for the genetic modification supersoldier program when they’d first started it. This should come much earlier. Like, second sentence or at the very least, second paragraph. Taking too long to ground the world can mean you fail to hook readers (and agents!). - another contradiction - our protag says he was dragged into this, but only a few paragraphs up he said he joined willingly (if not ignorantly) at seven? - I think I'm on page five-ish (no page numbers, and in Google docs), but I'm not connecting with Ben or his father at all. Ben seems mostly whiney and I don't have enough background yet to know why I should care about him. His father doesn't seem to emote at all. - Where are we, exactly, when Bianca comes up? I don't really have a feel for setting yet. Bianca comes out of nowhere - Wait, what? There's blood in Ben's room and someone is talking about revenge. I am so confused. Too many characters introduced in one chapter, and I don't have any motivations so the actions don't make sense - Bianca...took her shirt off to fight? No no no. That's not practical. It'd be just as distracting if Ben did it. Heck, it'd be more distracting, potentially, if Ben took of his pants, but he's not doing that. I am not on board with this. I wonder now if Bianca will pass the Sexy Lampshade Test - Little girl tied up in corner? No. I'm afraid I'm going to have to bow out of this one. We're hitting too many tropes on the head too frequently, and your use of females is concerning. I'm very concerned about where the narrative is going, noting our adult female is shirtless and our young female is a victim.

Oooh, a short! Overall I'm unsure. I think I need to see the love between these two, instead of being told about it. I'm not convinced they're in love, rather, it seems like for the woman this is keeping a master happy who doesn't beat her, and for him it's a lot of lust. The premise of the story is interesting, I think it might just need some tweaking. The end also left me a bit confused, and seemed a bit on the side of dubious consent. Title: I'm not quite sure how it relates to the story. Maybe something a little more tied in? Yes this. I think the relationship needs some work, as it seems more like the master trying to talk away 'sleeping with the slave girl' guilt than anything else. I think it has promise, just needs some edits! As I go - the third and fourth sentences of the first paragraph have a strange flow to them. They might need some editing. The thought is in the right place, and I love the opening line! - first sentence of the next paragraph has too many adjectives, me thinks - page two: 'dopey' with sleep sort of kills the imagery you were setting up earlier - the paragraph that begins with 'queen of the sky', I'm not sure what happened. - Page five: "That’s love and..." What she's describing doesn't really seem like love. Seems more like wanting to keep the master that doesn't beat you, happy - page five: I dunno about this. He puts the intonements into her mind then just reaches in and grabs them at will? He'll ask first, right? Otherwise we're getting a little dubcon here. - I'm not clear how she becomes the master? It sounds more like they are both giving up a sense, which will likely affect her more than him.

Sorry all, I swear we won’t be going back through too many of these early chapters. Just enough to make sure the new stuff I put in is working right. Chapter two, again. I cut a huge part of it out from last time you all read, I think, and did some tweaking to the rudder master. If you have the time to pick it apart, I would appreciate it. Thank you! Destroy at will.

I'll go back and check. A number of people commented on this. I've cleaned it up, I hope. Thank you for the feedback!! @M.Puddles - wow. That's a ton of LBLs. I won't respond to each individually but thank you for all the time you put into this! S's language is awkward by design, although some of the passive voice areas definitely needed to be cleaned up. Your LBLs will give me a nice outline of where to focus the scrubbing efforts. Thank you!

@Vreeah, thank you for the thoughtful comments! It's always great to get personal thoughts as people read. It helps me tweak things. Originally S was going to leave in the morning, and now walks there during the night to catch the same boat. I'll think about the going back to the house thing. Hmm. It goes on the waist later, after the bandolier is taken at the inn. Aheh. Typo. And here I thought it was clever! I'm trying to have S curse very little, if at all. That's M's job. Check. Will condense. Thank you for the thorough picking apart! I've made copious notes. Good call. I've added in a line about this. Thanks for reading yet again, @Mandamon! I've done some rejiggering in the first fifty pages, trying to get this thing ready for sub, and it's nice to have new eyes and experienced eyes on it!

No no, I agree, too. The problem with 'waiting until part II,' is that readers may put the book down before then. Agents, especially, if you're lucky, give you 10 pages. If you don't hook them, or leave them feeling confused, they're not going to continue.

That was a very fancy way of saying yes, you make balloon animals and are awesome at it.

Yes. In the same way that this is also true. Live the dream, friend.

In for the 24th, please!