kais

Overall L's line is moderately engaging, and I liked her backstory. I'd like to know more about her. The Dr's is still really generic and I didn't feel any threat from the goons until the very end. There's also a lot of very generic feeling going on here, and I find myself wondering what sets this story apart? I also don't remember what the through line is, but that may just be WRS. I completely agree with this. The Dr. is still generic. L is starting to have a voice. As I go - oooh, nice epigraph - unsure how walls could be made of petrified wood that was sliced thin. How was the slicing done? I have tech questions - 'with nary an explanation' makes it sound like we're in a fairy tale - the sentient intestines that are moving of their own accord are very weird - pg 4: he poured that much disinfectant in the wound and the man didn't scream? He must already be dead - pg 5: we keep hearing about all the things the thugs will do, but we never see anything. We don't get words or actions, we're just told. This leads to lack of tension. I feel no threat from the goons (who have tribal tattoos and that strikes a very bad chord) - pg 7: the chest plate out of pelvises is the first showing we've had that makes me feel like the goons are dangerous - pg 7: fun fact - paper yellows with age with air and light exposure due to the lignin. If it was in a sealed pack, it wouldn't yellow - pg 8: wait, why is he leaving now? What was the catalyst? - pg 10: L's backstory is much more engaging - pg 14: I think I would like L's journey to the do's more if I hadn't had the dr's POV yet. He could reveal his backstory as he stitches or something and that would have a lot more tension - pg 17: why would 100 bastards hurt? I don't follow the analogy

Overall Structurally, this was fine. In terms of forward progression and tension though, it seemed all talk and no action, no movement, no tension. I liked the strong start and the journey through the crystal was awesome. Once inside though it was a lot of talking and I think not enough time spent with each new idea and reaction from S. I think I would have liked less information, and longer on each information piece, complete with reactions. Still, solid draft! Yes to wonder, but not enough? I wanted to be bowled over with this hidden room and I felt just mildly interested. I think more deep discussion, more reaction, as you noted. The revelations make a sort of sense, but I kept waiting for there to be deeper discussion, and it stayed surface. I think I just need some really deep, thoughtful exchanges to really connect with what is going on. I'd be completely fine with it. As I go - so are house of time people called prophets? - pg 1: THAT'S RIGHT S! HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND! (ahem) - pg 1: this jealousy seems a bit out of nowhere? Like the relationship is shiny and new, yes, but the raging jealousy seems juvenile. However, this could be a very teenage boy response so potentially spot on. - pg 3: intrigued by the gender-as-role system here. Decent parallels in many Earth societies so curious to see where you go with it - pg 5: he pressed. There was resistance, then not. I would love more explanation and description here. I want to feel what S is feeling and see what he is seeing - last paragraph pg 7: pronoun slip? - second to last paragraph, pg 10: second mention of mentor joining the web--redundancy

Nah, I can bop out so you can have a slot, @molah

If there's still a spot left I'll take it, but happy to skip, too.

That's cool, but we'll need to be given some indication of that since you've set this in Generic European Fantasyland (at least from what I can tell ATM). What country were you thinking the hispanic and indigenous people were from/what culture(s) are you drawing from? For instance, if this was Peruvian inspired there wouldn't be horses so much as llamas, kittens would be guinea pigs (and would be raised for food along with bunnies), and the textiles would be described very differently. You could go into any number of pre-Incan societies for words on rulers that weren't so European military. If it's Generic European Fantasyland but with hispanic and indigenous characters, then tell us more about their clothes, the foods they like, how they maybe have accents (or maybe not!). How did this large enclave get into, say, the British Isles? And there's the problem right there. You call out differences and so therefore set a default, which is generally not great. It's fine if you want everyone to be hispanic except for some (Japanese?) characters, but it's very othering to assume default and then just describe the people that are different. It's a problematic way to write. Overt bias: 'Gay people are gross and shouldn't be allowed outside.' Implicit bias: 'I love having gay friends!' Overt bias: Black people are in prison more because they are more prone to violence Implicit bias: I don't like to ride the bus in the south side of town (wherein the south side is the poor/black/whatever side) Overt bias: A woman's place is in the home Implicit bias: Who is watching your kid while you are on your business trip? You can check your implicit bias here: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/education.html But why? If most of the characters are hispanic, those words wouldn't be unusual to them. Not-italicizing Spanish words in this case would help with establishing the world Two things here 1) being in a marginalized community does not absolve you from racism or other forms of bias. Your family uses food-based descriptors, okay. But in material that is reaching a wider audience, when POC as a general whole have come down upon food based descriptors, ignores all of their work. I gave you links earlier and I think it would be good to read what those people have to say. Now, if you want to describe white people with food, go right ahead. Always okay to punch up. My favorite is 'skin like uncooked dough.' 2) being published or not, we are a diverse group of people who are reading your pieces. Using food descriptors is problematic. We have made you aware of the issue. We have provided links. This would be a good time to discontinue use of such descriptors. Otherwise you are ignoring the emotional energy and time we have taken for education, and you are telling other POC on the board that what you want to write is more important than the implications of long standing racist issues in writing. To put it another way--you'll have likely gathered from my writing that I am all kinds of queer. If Pretend RE Member 'Sally' submits a piece wherein her character uses the word 'dyke' outside of some sort of 1980s queer culture think piece where a middle-aged lesbian is reclaiming the slur, I'd provide links to Sally about why such a word is charged and not best for just random inclusion in a piece of fantasy. This word causes active harm. It carries cultural baggage. It has a place, but not as Sally presented it. Sally then responds that she will continue using the word because it works for her story and she has a friend who uses that word. Or Sally has two moms and they use it. It's a part of her life but Sally herself is not queer and has no ownership of that word. Sally is not being respectful of the history of the word, of the emotional labor that went into attempting to educate, and to continue using the word moves from implicit bias into a thoughtful-purposeful act. The first time it was used was implicit bias. The second time after education? That's something entirely different. Now, there is a work around. If indeed you want to relocate the world to a cultural surrounding where food is a primary centerpiece, and all the characters get described that way, and it is made clear in the narrative that this is of cultural importance to the story and that it advances the story, and that this is an ownvoices aspect, it could work. The issue here, now, is the othering being done by only food-coloring the non-majority character.

Wait, I'm first? How did that happen? Wooo! Overall Well I was grumpy with the M start because we had such good tension going, but then it was short and gave good information so I'm fine with it. The E part felt a little... too much? I think I have growing concerns over the 'insanity' part of this and the wildnes., It seems too unfocused and more like a caricature than a real state of mind. I think picking something real world to model after might give it more credibility and more impact. Right now E seems to have left realism and gone into straight fantasy, but your books have always walked that sci fi/fantasy line so I'm having a hard time with it. Action wise it was good. I was hoping for more escaping though! As I go - epigraph: a lot of redundancy on the word 'stories' - pg 2: it's very hard to be invested in this when so many exciting things have been happening! I want to get back to the Ari - pg 4: oh the Earth question is being answered. Okay, interested pg 8: would like more general description of where they are and E reacting to it. How does she feel? - pg 9: wait, so is Z also a magus? Confused about this section.

Hooray for revisions! Something tells me I'll be in this boat after this week's sub, too. Heh. Overall Generally, I didn't have enough world buy-in to feel tension there at the end. That info-dump halfway through needed to be sprinkled earlier. The chapter started really strong and then sort of devolved, I think, into more generic fantasy and info-dumps. I think what it needs is just some tightening and realigning of narrative structure. It isn't that you don't have cool stuff going on, it's just that the narrative keeps getting in its own way. The major issue I have is with the implicit (and bordering overt) bias in the piece. You've got some problematic descriptions with ethnic minority and neurodiverse people, that must be cleaned up. I've provided some reading links. Do let me know if you have questions. This is miles better than the first time! I think another good clean up should really get it into shape. As I go - +1 for two prologues turning into one epigraph - confused as to why she has to cut her hair? - I kind of miss the ominous IN THE FACE SHE STOLE vibe from the last one, but this whole section works better all around. Good hook! - pg 5: our MC is bordering on the Not Like Other Girls trope - pg 5: Is L actually Arya Stark? - pg 6: red flag going up with the only hispanic named character being a servant - pg 10: so page 1 had a great hook but now I'm left wondering what the through line is. Kittens are awesome but what is the point to the story? Why do I care about our face snatching MC? - pg 10: wow that's quite the info dump. I think I'd rather find the information out organically - page 11: wooooooah okay. 1) do not describe people using food. It's bad form at best and racist at worst. Here is a great site for alternatives! 2) 'slanted eyes' falls into the same issue as #1. Here's another page about how to code that better. - pg 12: wait is this narrative...making fun of someone with a lower than average IQ? - pg 13: of course she does yoga

Congrats on your first post! Always happy to have new people on the board. Overall Generally, I was confused. I don't know what this piece was supposed to be. It's one part military, one part wonder-sci fi, one part space opera, and one part Star Trek fan fic. For a short story it would be best to stick with just one subgenre and one or two tropes. Otherwise the piece ends up scattered. I'm also missing buy-in. We don't get enough on the star to be excited it made a friend. When was it established that the star was lonely? Why would anyone care? Why would the star care at all about beings so small? I would need a lot more emotional buy-in from this work to really get invested. With that said, it has good bones and I think if it got cleaned up it could be a really cool short! Glad I wasn't the only one who saw this Agree As I go - 'Lovelace' is the name of the ship in the very popular space opera series Wayfarers by Becky Chambers. Definitely should find another name. I realize its also a historical ship name but since the Wayfarer's series is so recent and so popular, it'll ring a lot of bells you probably don't want rung - so is it pulsing Fibonanci or Pi? Which one? - names with an apostrophe in them are very fantasy, just FYI. - pg 3: we knew on the first page that the signal wasn't random. It seems silly to confirm that here. Slows pacing down - pg 4: It's becoming hard to stay focused. I don't have the sense of wonder I would need for this to stand on its own without characterization and social interplay, and I don't know enough about the characters to be interested in them. There does not appear to be stakes other than renewable energy, but since I have no idea if Earth is running out of energy, this doesn't matter much to me either at this stage. Lacking investment. - pg 7: oh, that's a nice twist! Definitely needs to come earlier though, since a lot of getting here was fluff. This would work as the hook on page one nicely - pg 8: wait, there's conflict in the galaxy? An attack? this seems to come out of nowhere - pg 9: alien using a human metaphor seems weird - pg 11: confused. Is this a wonder-at-the-galaxy science fiction, an action space opera where we stop some colony uprising, or something else? You're setting up a lot of tropes and then not following any of them. Also I'm getting a very strong Star Trek vibe - pg 12: I don't understand why the star cares at all about humanity. If the star is lonely, that needs to be established - you have a Scottish engineer? Is this a Star Trek fanfic? Cool if it is, just wondering - pg 13: I don't understand why the crew is getting into fights. What is the conflict? What are the stakes? I'm so lost - pg 14: there's military on board? This is far from a military sci fi so this looks like another truncated trope

Up for Monday as well if there is space

I wonder if you could sculpt this more into Sensory Processing Disorder--Sensory Seeking? If shifting sets off sensory seeking behavior and the input needed is not met it would just spiral into progressively more and more disruptive behavior. Since this is a Known Thing it might make it easier to write, and would give you a decent resolution option too, since occupational therapy is a great way to deal with it (give them some way to get input, via risk taking measures, obstacle courses, etc., in human children). @industrialistDragon just had a conversation about this, actually. When you think of the 'boys will be boys' phrase, or 'she's rough and tumble,' those are coded phrases that are usually being used to excuse sensory seeking behavior in children (also sexism, but we'll ignore that part for now). In adults, the skydivers, the daredevils, have found ways to meet their sensory needs. But if you've ever seen a child in particular needing sensory input and not getting it, you get all kinds of socially inappropriate, and sometimes violent, behaviors as they try to fill the sensory need. Expand that out a bit and I think it would make a lot of sense for the Ari.

We've had MG stories on here before. I'd say go for it!

The part about winking I think at a guy, then having to fit his hips and balls into a tight airline seat.

Hello and welcome to Reading Excuses! Always nice to see new people around. Overall It's a reasonable start. There's not much voice and it feels a bit generic, including the 'must save family.' The double prologue threw me and seems unnecessary. Still, I'd give it another chapter if picking up this book cold. If I were reading this at a bookstore I would want more meat in my first chapter--more sense of awe or a more gripping through line (in place of the standard FAMILY). What is wrong with her family? Why do they need her help? Does her magic have anything to do with it? Her magic sucks her energy, tell me about that. Did she steal some poor woman's body? Tell me about that! I had both of these issues as well So while I didn't mind the world introduction since this is chapter one, I do agree that the very interesting elements are buried. Definitely agree. I don't think that first prologue serves any purpose. As I go - pg 1: prologue end "I love you both" sets me on edge immediately. It reads like a man is going to leave his wife and child and go do something incredibly stupid that he thinks is heroic but is actually really selfish. Although it may not end up being that at all, the trope is so well established that when I see phrases like that, it's an automatic red flag for me. - page 3: after all the time spent establishing how cold and hungry these people are, I am supremely doubtful that 1) they would care that someone was peeing on them, unless said person was on the outside and could be readily elbowed because the urine would soon freeze and 2) that they would then turn on him as a mob. They're all freezing and starving. They don't have the energy to beat up someone, or shift the mass of bodies. Being truly, unbearably cold means not wanting to move for basically anything. It's a place where you seriously contemplate just never moving, even if your life is in danger, because the cold hurts. - pg 5: if it is snowing, it isn't likely all that cold out. The coldest days tend to be when the sky is bright and clear, especially at night - pg 5: so the thing here isn't a prologue, because we already had one, and it isn't a chapter. An interlude? Those don't usually come before an actual chapter. I'd recommend revisiting this narrative structure. Prologues are somewhat out of fashion to begin with and two hits me as very strange - pg 10: 'tower with her charge' is she a prostitute? Unsure what this is implying - pg 10: is she doing this yoga naked? - wait, she's a servant but she has her own room? - describing your main character via them looking into a mirror is a bit overdone - pg 12: double 'that' on your last line

I hope you are having an amazing time at the Magic Kingdom, and I expect to see photos on Twitter! Overall Good, solid pacing and good reveals. That second kiss scene was HOT and you can sign me right up for a novella where S and I go on their first date. The only thing I really took issue with (other than a few red flag social issues, as noted below) was the ending, which felt a bit deflated, to me. Otherwise, awesome chapter. As I go - pg 1: should 'ree' be capitalized? - pg 1: dying over the kraken - I'd like to see more of this side of the N through Sam's eyes, like a few paragraphs at least of wonder and anxiety, before he remembers he is with other people - pg 2: he leaned into S for a kiss, then we get a 'and afterward'. So did the kiss actually happen? The readers demand to know what Ari lips feel like! Does he taste of sadness and captivity?? Is he kind of not into it, and then S is like OMG HE DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE???? - pg 2: 'fewer mushroom themes'--> DISLIKE. Need more mushroom themes - top of pg 3: people are holding tables? Or tablets? - pg 4: 'remember how I feel for you'. Reads stilted. S has EMOTION. Something more S, maybe, like "remember that I really like you." - pg 5: oh. Woah. Hello yes, that was hot - aeir/aem are cool neopronouns! - pg 12: should we be able to guess what a 'pruner' is? - pg 13: I laughed, loudly, at S's 'how do Ari reproduce, anyway?' - pg 15: ghetto, or reservation? Suggest picking one word and staying with it because they both have very strong emotional draws for different groups - pg 16: so the Ari...bred out mental illness? Or is it being established that they have actual violent tendencies that don't come from mental illness? This section needs some cleaning, I think. It sends up some red flags for me - the ending might need a bit more punch. There was so much tension in the rest of the piece that I feel deflated at the end instead of eager to move to the next chapter. Could it end with an Ari-related reveal maybe?

Overall Wow. This is a completely different story than the one I read last time. You did a hell of an edit! L has enough voice to move us a bit farther out of 'random generic fantasy' and the robber boy now acts much more appropriate for his station. The whole piece has voice, which is a huge change, and I really cared about the characters. My only real niggle is that, looking back, I couldn't tell you what L's motivation is after this first chapter. The chapter ended so strongly, however, that I'm willing to keep moving forward even without. So, carry on. Looking forward to the next chapter. As I go - letter at the beginning is much, much better - Ooo, L has voice now! - pg 2: most petrified wood is just wood colored, FYI. I'm confused where the other colors in this petrified forest are coming from - pg 2: the 'I'm on my way to-' passage is very info-dumpy. I don't really need this just yet. She could deliver it in dialogue a bit later, if needed - oh, the raiders are less generic, too! - pg 4: 'D, let's get her' isn't very menacing. He sounds like a cartoon villain. I don't know what age group you are shooting for her, but if it's adult, an actual acute threat of bodily harm would work well. - pg 5: the road tax thing is better. Good hint and violence - pg 5: L speaks with the same wordiness as the ruffians, but in her head she was a bit more curt. Just notes for next edit - pg 6: you don't need to state that he is being abused. You've shown it very well - pg 7: the abused goon is much more endearing in this version - pg 8: YES the italics telepathy whatever works much better this way. Creepy. Love it - pg 12: LOL @ 'timid little dandelion' - solid ending

Oooh, it's going back? Cool! Good luck!! Overall Much smoother all around! I think you've got a few editing artifacts, which I've highlighted, and a bit of issue with the end cap tie ups, but otherwise it's very smooth. Nice work! I really hope this time the AR team picks it up! As I go - I think it should probably be 'THE fourteen-year old loudmouth (not all caps, obvs) - lucrative Synapatic Mapping could from life: missing word. Transform maybe? - 'learn that C does not seek...' I think you need at least one more specific in either this sentence or an additional new one, as it rolls from 'he wants vengeance' to Q ends up in a robot body. How did we get from point A to B? What was the triggering event? - synopsis end: I think it might lack emotional tie up. Q wins and M is fine, but what does Q learn? A lot of your book is about his emotional journey, as well as M's emotional journey, and the end to those is what is missing here. Something like 'Q and M find they can harass life more easily together than apart' or something akin. Something to show how they have come together. pg 3: the change between his awesome suit, then itching his crotch, remains highly amusing, though does serve to downplay his 'sexy' level - same things happen in the next paragraph. We get suave and crass at the same time. It's different than our last Q for sure. Not necessarily bad or good, just pointing it out. I think I personally liked him when he was suave on the outside except with M, who made him lose him composure, but I'll see how this goes for sure - pg 4: you have a font change on doing it - the build up to the envelope drop seems much better built in this version - pg 7: love the bit about the handmade clothing! It really brings me into the world - pg 11: his interaction with the disinterested woman seems strange now, since the set up with the waitress made it seem like Q stayed away from women due to wife baggage. I think you may need to clean that a bit. One sentence would probably do it - end bit leaves me a bit wanting. I do love the flirting, always have, but the chapter doesn't seem to wrap up with a full arc. It might just need a sentence like "We need to talk about those shoes." Q leaned over to take the lady's hand. Job well done.

If it's full up I can step out for the week, @Robinski

I'm so excited to see the edit of this! Overall Love. The pacing was perfect, the characters perfect (noting the length), and the twists remain surprising but not too weird. Please submit it somewhere immediately. I think you fixed 98% of the issues, and the first version barely had any issues at all. Nicely done! I would read this as a vampire book series for sure, and I generally hate vampire books. I agree with @Mandamon. It's a great twist because you have so deeply subverted vampire tropes. Please don't water it down. It's perfectly delightfully creepy as is. As I go - pg 4: I love that she is still randomly vulgar in her thoughts. - vitamin pyramid scheme. Love - pg 6: YES SEDUCE HIM AND DRUG HIM DO IT - Heavy-lidded customers clutching their pastries become phone-mugging, clock-watching, sandwich snatchers of noon. This line is hands down amazing - pg 13: this warm glow that runs down her legs... is she urinating? Is this an orgasm metaphor? I'm unclear. - confused about her presenting herself to him. What is that about? - solid ending!

Up for the 27th as well

@hawkedup have you emailed @Silk to get on the list serve? You won’t be able to submit until doing that and getting Silk’s confirmation. Also note that newbies always get priority!

This current thing I'm putting through, I sent the first chapter through three or four times before moving on. It's hard, but it is so, so worth it. Remember too that you don't have to agree with everything we say. These are just reactions and suggestions. In the end it is your story. You decide what works, what doesn't, what you keep, and what gets rewritten. It's hard at first, being on the board, but we're a good community of people who really care about each other. We're really glad to have you here, and hope to see more of this fantasy!

In an unknown author, it would be frustrating. With a known author it does kill tension sometimes but I have a bit more trust. I don't mind changes in POV but want at least a full chapter with the character, preferably two, before changing, so I can settle and get invested. If the stakes are high enough, like in this one and the Ari one, it is less of a big deal because sustained tension.

Overall Loved it. fantastic tension that sustained throughout. Only thing that bugged me was that we now have to wait, when I would have like R to be the hothead that he is and just make the portal and go. If you're doing a rewrite so this is 'apprentices' focused, I think that would be a really nice twist, if R just decides to take action. Apparently I just want more people barreling through portals. I need someone to be reckless. I don't remember this, either. As I go - I know nothing about the house of grace, I feel like, so I appreciate the epigraph. It makes me wonder though if we have met anyone substantial from that house? Is it part of this dimension of the Net? - pg 1: ah I see R remains highly unlikable (but quite readable) - pg 4: +20 for tension - pg 9: +40 for sustained tension - pg 10: gaaaaaaah I want him to just make the portal and go!

Welcome to RE, and congratulations on your first sub! Standard warnings apply- we love newbies and no one on here is out to be mean. We want to be helpful and constructive, as most people on the board have dreams of Big Five publishing, and hard critique is how to get there. So welcome to the journey! Overall Fairly generic fantasy setting, with buy-in coming a touch too late. P really really got my dander up there towards the end, enough so that I would put this book down in a bookstore. He acts contrary to anyone who wants to keep living, and I dislike his growing forwardness and L's frailty being levied against each other to show a powerful woman making bad choices to prop up emotions for a man. Agree. Hard agree. Another agree. I dislike her because I don't know her, and she's a warrior woman in a standard European fantasy. This is one of my favorite tropes. I should be in love with her. The issue is that, in this chapter, we the reader are functionally P. So if he doesn't react to telepathy or whatever, then we don't, either. So the reader is left to assume she is doing nothing out of the ordinary, which makes the italics really weird. This was exactly my thought As I go - the starting letter is written more like dialogue than a formal correspondence to a general. It immediately makes me step back from the narrative - 'dark grain' makes me think wood, not cobblestone - pg 1: we're getting a lot of description of L, which is good and I like it. Going down to the shift level though, I'd like to see an additional mention of undergarments or not. Ignoring them sends a concerning signal about not understanding how armor and female bodies work. A simple fix would be something like 'tight shift', or you could mention a wrap underneath, or really anything that showcases the author knows she has something under there that needs support or indicating that no support is needed because small breasts, trans woman, whatever. - would suggest giving L some haircolor and skin tone descriptors early. As the marauders come in you've got them described basically as Dothraki, complete with dark racial coding, which is problematic. So we either need to change their hair color or show that they aren't the only darker people in the narrative - lol with the poppy face - pg 7: confused with the italics. Telepathy? Needs to be established in world earlier, and we need a better reaction from P - the marauders are really vague and tropey. May or may not be an issue, just flagging it for later - pg 9: I care more about P than L at this stage. He has more character and backstory than her already. Is this his story, or hers? - pg 10: this is the first time we get a note about the motivation of L, and it comes far too late. That through line, or at the very least first arc plot, should be established in the first few pages. I don't know if you are gunning for eventual publication or not. If not, carry on and write what you love. If you are looking at publication, know that you'll get five pages, tops, to hook an agent, and editor, a reader, and through lines are something they generally want to see. Some sense of purpose and buy-in and why are we here and why do we care. I care more about L now knowing she needs medicine. I care a great deal about P because he was forced in Generic Gang no. 7. But I think this could have been established all in the first page, keeping tension high and the narrative moving forward. - pg 12: weird change here. He begged to come along, she relented. She fell and now he is acting like she owes him something for... almost offering her a hand up? Showing her to C Point? She didn't want him there to begin with and didn't stab him out of mercy. P is being really forward and if I were L, I'd run him through right now. His entitlement is showing - pg 13: P is really irritating and obnoxious. I don't know what value he has. Why hasn't she killed him yet? - pg 13: "let me carry you." Seriously? No. I want to jump into the story and take his head off myself. He comes across as so entitled it hurts. How about offering her a shoulder, or he finds a sturdy stick? She holds his life in her hands, why is he being so forward?

Overall I'm left wondering what the actual arc is for this piece. Is E supposed to come to terms with killing people? The end made it seem like E enjoyed killing, then the sister convinced them it wasn't all fun and games and then the went merrily on their way. Is that what you were going for? I didn't feel like there was closure in the ending, and I'm left with too many questions, such as: - if the aunt was to be a major plot point, why did she not get more airtime, especially at the party? - what is the purpose of murder bots if people can still walk willy nilly through the castle when they are on a rampage? - why did E not get deeply suspicious when the sister's room was untouched? - why would E every think that U had done all this, especially with U's reactions? - why does E think a knife will work against murderbots? - why was the sister not able to overpower a frail old woman? - what was the point of the parental death? - why is there magic in this world if it doesn't really relate to the story? Reader expectations not really met on this front As a suggestion, your writing is strongest in cozy social situations. You might consider turning this piece into straight intrigue at the party, no running around the castle and no big battles except maybe at the very end. Set up this emotional arc through royal party dialogue and emotional dissonance. I think it would make a stronger story and the reader would be more invested, since the party is really where I think most of us had the most investment. Give us some scenery, some world building, some political drama between siblings and the burden of ruling. Give us the pain of E not being able to rule, and the corresponding guilt that a sister that loves ladies and gowns has to bear the burden when older sibling would prefer she be able to stay carefree. Give us super shade by the evil aunt, and demeaning dialogue to U, and conspiratorial dialogue with E. Maybe a coronation ceremony where you raise the tension up up up, then everything falls apart. That would be amazing. Action and description The blocking was wonky for a lot of this. I need more description all around, to make much sense of why things are happening Reaction E remains fairly cold in all chapters except the intro one, where the party reactions were good End Suggestions both above and below. As I go - pg 3: a knife doesn't seem like a decent weapon against bots at all. I am unconvinced - oh, now there is a blaster. Where did that come from? What happened to the knife? - I appreciate that the father is also dead. Less fridge-ish, though still a little o_O - pg 6: how do they know it isn't U's blood? Confused - tense change, bottom of page seven - wait, so U is in the secret room doing... what? Watching the consorts be tied up? And Eld person is with U? Or following E? I'm very confused on blocking and what is happening - pg 10: so the aunt is the villain and was trying to get E to think U was? I have no idea what is happening right now, because U being the villain was never forecast and made zero sense. I also don't know enough about Eld to be concerned about her actions. - pg 11: agreed that the E and aunt fight paragraph needs work. You should block it a bit more, and season the narrative before it with more about the aunt. Since she is only described as an old woman, and no one has shown any real emotional attachment to her, I don't understand why someone doesn't just kick her in the shins and topple her or something - that 'coming to terms with killing people' arc did not land, and the last page feels rushed and forced.