kais

Here's where I stall. I have lists, oh how I have lists of great books with female leads, most of which are either queer or PoC or both. But those kinds of books are inherently political, as those bodies are political. Black people can no more leave racial injustice from their books than lesbians can leave the patriarchy. The only books that get to be nonpolitical are white books, since white straight cis people are the only ones who can pretend politics don't affect them. So I can list, but they will all be strong books that tackle strong themes with strong women Unrelated - OMG that kitten is adorable!!

I tend to map out the romantic arc of any book first, then build the world and the A/B plot around it. So for me, the emotional beat is critical in each chapter. I want to see the character's growth (or regression!) clearly in each chapter. In a more romance focused book this will look like a very standard meet-dislike-like-love arc, where each chapter brings the characters forward in this larger arc. In a spec fic book where romance is a B or C plot, the emotions usually have to do with the action involved. So how is the character coming to terms with events, are they showing progress, even if the plot itself isn't? Often times the A plot may not move in a chapter (like say, a walking talking chapter) but the emotional arc will, getting the characters to the mental place they need to be for the events in the next chapter to happen. Anyway, that's my process!

My method is the same as @Mandamon’s and @Robinski’s. Though I’ve been curious about other software for a while now.

Overall A cute chapter with a good progression. A few notes below, mostly on, again, the clear narrative distinction about M's complete disinterest in T. Generally though, I thought it worked well, and M has a very cozy romance thing going with Mi. As I go - pg 3: here's another place where we get negative feelings associated with T, and positive ones with Mi. M intrudes on T's mind. Watches her dreams. T has a bad dream about a spider. M does not seek to comfort anything, and instead runs to Mi, likely to seek comfort. but she also wanted to run into his arms and make new memories <-- whereas all she wants to do is get away from T - pg 5: all the asking for permission to touch lines, but this: He ran his hand down the back of her head as images of a mattress on a plywood subfloor filled his mind <-- feels far more suggestive and intrusive than a hand holding - pg 6: Maybe, wrapped up in his arms, she wouldn’t think too much <-- note how she didn't even consider this with T - pg 8: Could the entities you record come from another dimension <--- WRS? When did she pretend to accept his paranormal musings?

Overall This story is well written and engaging. I was very invested in the girl and the leaf from the beginning. However, I'm not sure what the arc of the story is. Was the girl supposed to learn a lesson? See things from another point of view? She clearly is very mad at her mother and idolizes her father, but how does this relate to the leaf and the troll? She stole from the troll which, in fairytale land, generally means consequences, but this seemed to fall sort of flat on that expectation. I think it will be a really strong piece with a bit of editing to clarify the arc. Is it a fairy tale with a moral? Is it a coming of age tale? Is it an emotional revelation tale? I think answering these questions would help a lot. As I go - pg1: the start of this story had good characterization. I immediately settled into S and her mother and the family situation. The dialogue with the troll, in contrast, sort of wanders and lacks a strong hook - pg 3: Because mum wouldn’t listen <--- WOW there the kid is clearly Team Dad

Up for Monday pending space. Would love two slots again if possible, as I've given myself a few days extension due to having a chapter for a science book due at the end of JUNE when I thought it was the end of July... *headdesk*

I think because this incident was the 'hook' for me into the series. So this has always been the dangling question in my mind, how does he get back and how does Earth play into this? It did? Why? This is an aspect I completely missed and brings up more questions for me. Yes, but I think the battle and such would be a lot more powerful if we understood the reason as it was happening. Getting the DL after the fact takes a lot of punch out of the events for me

Congratulations on your first sub! It's a big milestone for sure. Overall I'm not sure what the arc was to this chapter. We get introduced to the sisters but only the first one seems to have some sort of goal. I thought the prologue was extraneous, but I really liked the first chapter before the POV switch. I was immediately interested in the MC and was curious about her costume. The sister I didn't care much for--she seemed whiny and I lost interest in the narrative when it switched to her POV. She isn't doing anything really, other than being sisterly, so her POV seems not necessary. Still, a good start! And major kudos for submitting! As I go - pg 1: she would see her looking up at from the floor, <-- missing word in here? - pg 2: which by now was beginning to peel off the blade in flakes <-- because...decay? How long has she been dead? I'm confused as to the set up here - pg 3: I think the epilogue should be cut. It is confusing as to whether she is alive or dead, and it doesn't seem to help the story at all. If this is a journey about how she ends up in that room, it'd be a lot more fun to start off without knowing how it ends - pg 3: there's some awkward sentence structure in here but I'm not going to pull it out and make comments. I'm assuming this is a fairly early draft? Always time to take care of punctuation later (or wait for @Robinski...) - pg 3: There was nothing especially unique about C’s bunks <-- I'd suggest not telling us about it then, since we are in the critical first five pages of a book - pg 4: pale-as-Lune skin <-- I don't know what a Lune is, but +10 points for describing white skin tone - pg 5: If our MC is in disguise, wouldn't talking to her undisguised sister blow her cover?? - pg 6: POV switch in the first chapter? I do not recommend this. We need time to get invested in one character before you switch to another. Give us at least a few chapters with your first MC before you switch over. As it is, the momentum I had with our first MC is now lost, as I don't know anything about the sister, nor do I yet care - pg 8: Rehashing the same scene from another POV is also not generally encouraged. We already have this information.

Overall The fight scene went well and the romance with Mi is building just fine. I like the little bits of backstory we keep getting about M's family, too. I thought her mental powers seemed supercharged in this one, like they came from nowhere, but maybe that's WRS? My biggest issue is how the love triangle is being set up. If I picked this book up in the bookstore and didn't know you, I'd consider it almost wlw phobic. I've tried to point out sentences below that showcase what I'm talking about. It just seems like every interaction with Mi is emotional, contains desire, mystery, friendship, trust, while every reaction with either of the girls is intrepidation (sp???), concern, broken promises, worry, unease, frustration. If we reversed this, it would be a very quintessential 'learning you're a lesbian' story, but with the genders set the way they are it...doesn't work. I know that's likely because you know M will end up with Mi, but at this stage I'd say every thought about the girls and most every interaction needs to be changed or just cut (though I agree the girls add an important dimension to the piece, I think it could stand alone without them). As I go - pg 1: relieved that A wasn’t there <-- this is another one of those places that makes it clear M isn't interested in the girls. She spent all the time before this worrying over Mi and looking after him, reading him, and the first note we get about the girls is avoidance - pg 2: could just hook up with different people all the time or why she needed to sleep with someone every weekend <-- here's another one. Worry over Mi, ask Mi questions, be concerned, think about the girls and get irritated - pg 2: questioned whether or not really wanted to have sex with anyone and wondered how much of wanting to try it came from hearing other people think about how much they liked it. <-- this is great! It might help if it came a lot earlier though in the book - pg 3: M's 'that sucks' seems very under-emotive for the amount of tragedy Mi just dumped on her. She likes this guy, has been worrying over him constantly, but the best she can do when he talks about the death of a beloved parent figure is 'that sucks'? - pg 5: After what happened with T, Mel didn’t want her interactions with him to get too physical. <-- here's another one. Happy hand holding emotions, bonding emotions, then negative emotions surrounding the girls, to the point where they are now interfering with her relationship with Mi - pg 6: I'm having a suspension of disbelief with the purple goo of Between. It just seems...too much? The world constructed thus far as been very urban fantasy grounded. I'm cool with the Between, too, but making whatever you want with purple goo, makes this a higher level fantasy than I'd sorted it as and really makes me step back and go, huh what? - pg 7: Unsure what pop culture is being referenced, but I have never thought trolls were fairies. - pg 8: wait, her mental shields can change and be like spaceships??? - pg 9: HAHAHA storm trooper dig - pg 9: mind into a temple of doom....here again I'm confused as to the sudden abilities she has. It's always just been shielding and now she has all these powers seemingly out of nowhere - pg 12: did she trap the thing in sunshine? Doesn't that mean she won?

I had a very similar issue. The ease didn't bother me so much as since S didn't understand it, I didn't understand it, so I had no idea what was happening YES this. I'm left with confusion, mostly. There are too many moving parts and they didn't sew together seamlessly and I really was looking forward to that.

Just under the wire, and I am SO excited to see how this trilogy concludes! Overall Hmm, I have mixed feelings. I still really want to know how Earth comes into play with this, and how S got here. I was really confused in pages 26 through about 40 in terms of what was actually going on. I liked the wrap ups and such, and the action, but I think I'd have enjoyed it more if I understood more of what was happening as it happened. Mostly I remain grumbly about Earth. I did like the Ori/R wrap up. That was a really cute beat. I'd have liked more of an arc with Re, since he was a decent sized player in this. The proposal was adorable, and I look forward to those three having more adventures in the future. As I go - Hmm. I think that epigraph here on the first page is problematic in terms of the language it uses. The 'taking responsibility for other people discriminating' has some uncomfortable parallels to our current world and the racism therein. - pg 5: The two fingered ward <-- is there supposed to be a hyphen in here? This sentence is confusing - pg 8: they stand around a debate for three hours before moving forward? Aren't the E eating the Nether or something? This standing around business really kills the tension, and it was superb at the start. - pg 14: The creatures blocked off all escape. Many would die. <-- this would be a lot more powerful if it just said: The creatures had blocked of all escape. It's stronger if we're left to intuit the deaths - pg 23: we shake away all the worms infesting it <-- this is a really strange metaphor for me because worms do not climb trees, generally speaking. What about beetles? Crows? Cats? - pg 26: randomly wondering in here--S was two house when he came to the Net, but now her has two new ones. Does this make him a four house maj??? - pgs 26-31: I'd had some growing confusion up to 26, but here now at the scene break on 31, I am completely lost. S arrived and fell and was caught by the twins, check. He's sending the El back to their universe, check. How he is doing that, I am not clear on at all. - pg 32: so why were the El eating the Net? I'm still not completely clear on the motivations. The 'voice' wanted to destroy creation, yes? Start over? And the El were aiding by...eating things? Eating the Symphony? - pg 38: I'm not certain what the rocket ship is foreshadowing. Is it that the villain also came from Earth, like S? - pg 40: Our apprentices—if we can even be calling them that any longer—will not miss us <-- at this stage are they apprentices anymore? Those three did a heck of a lot more than the 'masters'! - Ori talking about romance is weird. - pg 41: the 'come with me part' landed great though. This is very Ori - pg 42: The music I started at the root will eventually cause damage to the Nether. I don’t want it to hurt you, too <-- I have no idea what he is talking about here. I think likely because I don't entirely understand what S did - pg 42: Maybe there’s a way to shield it from the tremors running through <-- shield what??? - pg 44: awww with the proposal! Though it strikes me that S is kind of young, yes? He's....20? - pg 46: I think I'd like a bit more wrap up with Re. I've always enjoyed his morally grey character and I'd love to seem him have a bit of a moral debate here, or show some additional growth - pg 48: I appreciate the succinct explanations in here, but I think more clarity during the event would have been good, too. - pg 54: still really enjoying the breakdown explanations, but would like more of this earlier - pg 55: wait for what now??

Making it in just under the wire! Overall Better than last time for sure, and there's some good tension with the mysterious artifact. But the first chapter lacks any sort of arc, and most of the worldbuilding is done through exposition. It's a lot of names and events and people and they're hard to hold on to because I'm not yet invested in anything other than the artifact, and the boy who had it. I think that kid had more development than the other characters, so I'm sad he died! As I go - pg 1: I believe the rules of writing state that if a character has an apostrophe in their name, it must be fantasy, either high or sword and socrery - pg 2: A tribesman stood feet away <-- how many? Two? Two hundred? Vague - pg 2: irradiated..<--??? And then they all died from radiation exposure? - these first three pages have a lot of words and definitions and names, but no real buy in. I don't much care about the battle because I don't know the characters at all, or the world, or the stakes - once we get to the boy it becomes much more interesting. I'd say you could cut much of those first three pages - pg 8: the intro to this chapter here was smooth and the tension from the artifact carried the generic bar scene until about page eight. Now we have new characters, with new names, and worldbuilding dialogue but I want to be shown it, not told. Right now it won't stick because my interest is the artifact, not yet any of the people. - pg 11: Not sure what the arc is of this chapter. It was mostly dialogue, but even that didn't actually advance the chapter. This read more like a 'flesh out the world' exercise, and while it did that a little, it was mostly through exposition. In revisions, might help to think about what forward momentum you want the chapter to have, then outline the start (here, already strong, there's a cool magic artifact!), middle (meeting people? worldbuilding?), and end (EVENT! or REVEAL!)

I mean that's the HOPE

Overall I don't think this scene helps any with the f/f romance. If anything, I think it hurts it. I've outlined a lot of specifics below. One thing I do want to note is that the beats in your make-out romance scenes seem to go backwards. They should build UP, not start up and decline. We need tension first, then intimacy that continues to gain traction. I've put sort of a measure by measure guide below. Thirded. I think its fine to have a triangle, but the f/f line needs a lot more humanity to it. I can work with you on it, if you want? It just isn't hitting f/f beats. The f/m hits beats, because it follows sort of gendered movements. With the girls there's no...it's like everything has been removed and none of the unique attributes that go with lesbianism have been included. The closest it got was the 'eat you for dessert' quip, which was, for me, the most wlw this book has been thus far. This 100%. I think I flagged it in my comments as well. M's dialogue and reactions are on par with someone just past pubescence in terms of comfort/discomfort. Not being ace, I'm not sure if this is a hallmark of the identity or not (like how people bounce off of douchy masculine acting in f/f relationships when it's actually a part of the culture). It might be that you just need to get a lesbian reader to help with those scenes, to sell the authenticity. As I go - pg 1: eating breakfast sandwich after breakfast sandwich <-- so I'm in a T spike right now and I relate to this so, so much - pg 2: A was the type of person who never let the conversation lull, who always had something to say. <-- this is very telly - pg 2: See, here it's A waving T over, not our MC. It would make M's interest much more believable if she was making ANY overture towards T - pg 3: Why is M jealous that they slept together? She's shown no interest in either of them and even if she had, they weren't dating - pg 3: She had led them on then ditched them <-- well, I don't know about 'led on' but she definitely ditched, which is why I have such a hard time with the romance angle on this. Even here, where she is supposed to be interacting with them, she's just thinking about Mi - pg 3: And in some weird twisted way, it made her want them. <-- this makes me like her even less. We have no foundation of interest, so this just makes it seem like she wants whatever she can't have - pg 4: You already did. <-- er, I think M is entirely at fault right now - pg 4: I'm so confused. Does she or does she not want to be with both of them? Earlier it seemed yes, now it seems like just T? There's no consistency here - pg 5: “Um, who do you actually have feelings for?” <-- dislike. T is trans, check, so we're looking at likely having been raised as a boy, yes? So masculine socialization with a newer layer of feminine. If T weren't trans, I think this like would be more "Um, so M, do you like me? Us?" As a trans woman I'd expect a bit more directness because of upbringing, so maybe "Do you like us, M?" Either would be fine, but the line you have is...distinctly unromantic in its awkwardness and bluntness - pg 6: Do I have America’s a!@? <-- THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING THIS - pg 6: the boxing match is the first time I've felt any type of chemistry between these two, but the dialogue still seems so stilted. They're talking like they're very, very young and awkward in some places, more like high schoolers. I'd expect M to be cooler with the lines, at the very least. Parts of it are great, like Do I have America's..., but then the rebuttals fall flat. I think they just need some tweaking to really make them work - T saying no to wrestling and just wanting to eat ice cream without offering a secondary activity or comment (or we could get one ice cream, and wrestle for it...) also stops the romantic progression. It reads like she is giving a hard no to continue the flirting - pg 7: so they ARE going to wrestle? I thought they were just getting ice cream? Confusion - pg 7: The kiss intensified <-- no telling. Show me intensity! - oooh wrist pinning! - ear nibbling, meh, not so much. It takes the mood back down - pg 7: A surge of hormones hit her head <-- not sexy - pg 8: All the places she wanted to put her mouths and hands, how she wanted to move to the bedroom before anyone came in, and take all their clothes off. <-- this is another example of the wording not being right for the mood, and the flow clashing instead of working together. Another explanation below All the places she wanted to put her mouths and hands (YES! High note), how she wanted to move to the bedroom (YES! another high note) before anyone came in (Acceptable medium note,), and take all their clothes off (to put her mouth on the implied areas, their clothes would ALREADY have to be off. This is back at level 0) Sex scenes, generally, move in a sort of pattern. If we think of it like numbers from 1-5, where 1 is verbal foreplay and 5 is sex, generally, a spec fic romance book would go something like this, assuming a standard three beats in a scene: first encounter: 1,1,1 second encounter: 1,1,2 third encounter: 2,3,4 fourth encounter: 4,5,5 fifth (or final): 5,5,5 But this sentence alone goes 4,3,2,2. It's a deescalation instead of an escalation, so it steals tension instead of building it - pg 9: the malfunctioning telepathy sending her into tears in the shower is another knock on the f/f part of this. She's constantly telepathy on with Mi, and fine. T sends her into overdrive. She wants to cuddle with Mi. She wants to run away from T - pg 10: falling for three people <-- since when has she fallen for the roomie? - pg 12: I want to eat you for dessert <-- actual line my gf has used

I'm glad he's safe and sound now! Being prodded near my rear with ice would not make me a happy snake/person

Also up for the 22nd, and if there are two slots available I’d love to snag another, as it will be my last week subbing before this goes to my agent

@shatteredsmooth I can read it in about a week and a half, once I get Rosewood to my agent.

Overall The ending was interesting, but I felt like it took too long to get there. Most of the story lacked any kind of arc or motivation of our MC. While the worldbuilding was great and I had a much better feel for Temp this time, I still felt adrift in what the purpose was. Themes...darkness vs. light, beauty and youth, power and crones, these are what jump out to me. Also something to do with outsiders, but I'd need more plot to really settle on what theme that might be. As I go - pg 1: I feel like I already know Tempt better in this sub than last time. Solid description - pg 2: his eyes were nocturnal <-- I find this confusing. Can eyes be nocturnal? I feel like that word doesn't fit with eyes. Maybe 'were adapted to the night' or something? - pg 4: I was content with the worldbuilding until here, but now I really need stakes/motivation for our MC to stay invested in the story - pg 7: still not sure what our MC wants or what the plot is - pg 8: some insane maniac <-- note, while these words may very well be in character, they are becoming less desirable in publishing (ableism) - pg 14: at this stage this is more of a character sketch I feel like, than a story. I still don't know what the arc is or what the MCs goals are, but the worldbuilding is nice and I am enjoying that. - pg 17: the guy with the cut arm just got up and walked out!? With that much pain???

@Sarah B this one is from last week

Late to the party here Overall I'm not sure what the arc to this chapter is. It had some great beats, especially around pg 5, and some good movement, but it lacks any sort of formed structure. I was waiting for a big punch, like the king isn't who he says he is, or something along those lines. If the arc is just our MC's emotions, I think those need to be drawn out more, as does their relationship with P, as that seems to be an emotional counterpoint in the back end of the chapter. I know that 'day in the life' chapters are necessary sometimes, but I feel like we've had almost entirely these kinds of chapters, and I keep waiting for the plot to really go. Thirded! As I go - pgs 1-3: this is a very slow start. I think you could condense these three pages into one and get a lot more punch for the page, especially in terms of the colors of the clothes and what they mean - pg 5: this page is working well! Love the little snippet we get of her doing name checks - pg 7: the limits to her power in terms of her skin breaking and such is a cool detail that I think could have been in that page 5 snippet, and then the intervening pages between there and here cut. There are great nuggets of character and worldbuilding throughout this chapter but they get so bogged down in extraneous details that lessen the tension. - pg 9: I really want her to namecheck the king - pg 10: Worldbuilding issue: when animals talk, what defines 'fey'? I feel like pretty much everyone we have met is fey at this point, so the tropes behind this word don't work quite right. I think I need a definition (and maybe there was one, but WRS?)

Definitely in for this upcoming week. And apologies in advance on crits. I'm back on deadline so I'm falling behind. But I WILL catch up...after I get this new book to my agent.

Overall Great pacing and tension throughout. I was never bored and enjoyed the battle and the new little bubble facet a lot. My only real issue came at the end, which fell flat for me. What did S actually accomplish? Did he or did he not foil The Voice? Why is he now going back to his friends, and not earlier? I feel like I missed a critical resolution, yet there doesn't seem to have been one yet. Other than that though, a great chapter! Yes, this! As I go - pg 2: all the species? My, that escalated quickly! Go team! - pg 3: this hand squeezing between Ori and Ril is deeply on brand and feels very authentic - pg 5: drop what now?? - pg 11: very into this battle, and not a lot of comments. Enjoying the action and the descriptions a lot - pg 12: wait, Ori is still shot from the spacecraft issue? Wasn't that, a year or more ago?? - pg 18: OMG eld bowling is just as fun as Mmnnu bowling!! I LOVE IT - pg 19: and she realized anger clouded her judgment <-- that's the dark side, that is - pg 22: He wasn’t even her fourth concern <-- I think I know what you're trying to say here, but it comes off callous and a bit nebulous - pg 24: THE EDGE!!! - pg 31: I adore that S's panic attacks are what give him the strength to fight - pg 34: and now to <-- typo, I think that should be 'not' - pg 35: HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CYCLES <-- the voice likes to repeat this a LOT - pg 36: the end of the chapter seems to lack punch. I'm not entirely certain what S is doing, though I thought the tension was good and pacing excellent. Why is he just now wanting to go back to his friends? Has he accomplished something? How did he foil The Voice?

Overall I enjoyed this chapter a lot. I feel like we always get more emotion from R than we do a lot of the other characters. I imagine he's a lot more fun to write. The action and pacing were good and there were some very tense moments where I forgot to take notes entirely. Since we are nearing the end of the book, this is exactly the kind of pacing I'm looking for. I had this same issue. It didn't make enough sense to land for me. As I go - pg 1: well I'm glad someone can take out those things! - pg 3: there's great setting and action in these first three pages, but they're choppy and don't read smoothly. An editing pass would likely smooth things out - pg 9: great tension through here. I enjoyed R running up the side of the wall, the falling, and the mystery throughout these pages - pg 15: so wait...did the twins ingest that Ari? I know what the one person explained but I feel like it can't be an exception thing. Either it's okay to either your brethren or it isn't. - pg 16: okay so they're not supposed to do it, but the Ari didn't exactly stop them, either. So why bother chastising them? - pg 20: so everyone can kill them now? I feel like I missed something, or maybe WRS?

<--- is also a pickle lover. Will fight for pickles.

Overall Decent fluff here! I still don't feel convinced that M is anything other than just interested in Mi. I had no problems with the video games, but I'm older than you and remember those games fondly. But I thought the pacing was fine, and we moved along well noting this is a paranormal romance piece. Carry on! As I go - pg 1: wow she really came hard on the invitation thing, and I love how he met it with humor - pg 2: I love the distinction in how she acts with the girls vs. Mi. However, noting her past interactions with the girls, I find it highly HIGHLY unlikely she would have said that - pg 4: If he didn’t stay too long, her and T would never need to know. <-- this is another one of those lines that just cements that she has no real interest in T. If she did, she'd not be deceiving her like this, or she'd have a LOT more guilt about it - pg 5: I bet you never ever look like a mad scientist at all.” <-- I don't understand this sentence - pg 5: The creamy deliciousness curled like wood shavings as she ran the spoon up the inside of the almost empty tub <-- This imagery ruins the ice cream for me. I've eaten my fair share of curly wood shavings (hazard of the profession) and while I get the visual you are going for, the TEXTURE of wood just...ruins the ice cream for me - pg 5: was no longer on the verge of a major panic attack <-- woah. what happened to flirting??? Hard turn there! Is she uncomfortable? Where did this come from? - pg 6: and he's cool with talking tech and not suggestively eating more ice cream?? Having suggestively eaten ice cream while trying to seduce a woman, I can tell you that talk of tech, even cool supernatural tech, would NOT be on my mind. - pg 6: Their hand looked like a knot <-- what is happening here? Another random turn. Why is he doing this hand pressing to cheek thing? - pg 6: It was all he wanted to think about <-- yes, this seems realistic. So why isn't she as into it? I'd find the romance line more convincing if she was actually into the romance, though she shows more interest in M than the girls for sure - pg 7: ahh, conveniently low energy! Love it. Though I'm surprised she let him open the app - pg 10: But now she realized he hadn’t picked a side <-- she has clearly picked a side - pg 11: You can be as naked as you want <-- for how pro-verbal consent M is, this is super forward. Why doesn't she feel uncomfortable?