rdpulfer

- I'm very curious at the setting, where there is graffiti on the wall, and yet the opening pages seems more in keeping with a traditional fantasy setting. - I really like the business of cursing people. Especially when the intention seems to making the target feel regret instead of pain. - The dialogue works, but it doesn't flow well in places. Sometimes it seems the priestess has too much personality, and other times, not enough. - That said, I'm curious to see how this curse goes, and who is the protagonist of the story.

- It's probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it's forgotten the difference between solos and magnetars. It might be good to include a little description to help set the scene, even if its clear they are both vehicles of some sort. - The sudden shift to all italics confused me during Oz and Pascal's scene. - There's a lot of names being tossed around, and this far into the story, I'm a little worried we're getting too many characters, especially as we switch settings. - Still very interested to see what happens next, especially with the revelation about the enzyme and the Board's sudden interest in Oz.

- I really like the first line. - Having a bit of trouble picturing everything since you mentioned the character has wings, which I'm guessing makes them humanoid. Would have liked more description on the people, since the world also seems to be semi-modern. - There's a lot of information to slog through, and even when the siblings start interacting, it's still at a fairly slow place. I know this is the first chapter and all, but you might want to pick up the pace at some points. - The last line, much like the first, is very strong.

- I have to agree with Robinski about the language. It should serve a purpose for the character. If he swears all the time, it limits the effectiveness. - "I keel you" sounds like a Jeff Dunham routine - very exaggerated. It doesn't really make the character sound very threatening. - Well, at least these guys are honest about their intentions. - How has Mark never been in a forest before? That seems rather strange. Overall, I'm interested in where this is going. Really, I'd like to know more about Mark. Typically people in his situation are a little less candid with their reactions. Curious to see what happens next.

Yay! Something new for Kammerite! I'm really looking forward to this. - If he's so dangerous, would revelers talk so candidly behind his back? - It should be "Great, they're laughing at me" - And it should be "Inquisitor, you're meeting..." - There's a little too much infodumping from Rakella, especially when Lumi enters the room. I think the reader can gather as much from Kang's reaction, and besides, it's more interesting to see why he's so nervous by her appearance. - Having read Essence of Fire, it is really cool to see Kang developed into a full-fledged knight, yet still with a good share of nervousness and quirks. - "You have herd of me" should probably me "You have heard of me" (unless there are clones involved - Overall, I really like this as a sequel to Essence of Fire, furthering Kang's development as a Knight while still keeping him rough about the edges. I can't wait to read more.

- I like the bit about the skirt length adjusting to her commands. You might want to describe it in a bit more detail - such as the sound the fabric made as it stretched - just so the reader knows its happening without any action from her other than verbal commands. - The moment where the Hunter grabs the kid feels a bit awkward - it's like one moment she's facing the chamera, the next moment she's in his arms. It feels a bit too cartoony. - I do like the idea of adjustable fate. - I also like the dialogue between the Hunter and the child. - i really like that there's a personification of Fate in this world, along with others, such as Luck and Destiny. Reminds me of Neil Gaiman's Endless. Makes me really excited for this world. - Epsilon and Child seem to bond a little too quickly. It's like they become partners in the first chapter alone. - I like the world and the dynamic between the two characters, still really interested to see where this is going and what Child is trying to prevent.

- Do the walls of the spherical chambers change? If not, why would the main character feel the need to verbally comment on them, even accidentally to himself? - Not being able to read to the Prochita's words feels like a bit of cop-out, coming from someone who is guilty of using this technique in his own story - The queen's decision doesn't make much sense either. - Honestly, I want to know more about the setting and the characters, but if I was just reading this, I don't know if felt engaged enough with the characters to keep going. I look forward to seeing more in the next chapter.

- The first line is a little awkward. Its feels a little too long and unnecessary, especially since we don't know who is talking until later. - I like Ellora spilling the beans, but I feel it also could be cut down just a bit to make it more impactful. - Jakob's interplay with Reil is also effective. - Ellora's conversation with the corpse was weird. I didn't know if this a quirk of hers or if we were supposed to think this is odd. This could just be Weekly Reader Syndrome. - Though I do like Jakob reasoning to her with "summer". - Ellora's backstory is good, but I'd like to see more reactions from Jacob to break up the infodump. - Overall, it's a good story. A lot of the issues I have could be from just jumping into the middle of the story. But I am interested to see where these characters are going.

- So every human who becomes a Rex universally believe they have been picked by a god to be the next stage of evolution? It seems a bit too specific. It might be better to show this attitude in a newly-turned Rex more than anything else. - I was initially confused - I didn't figure out there was another Rex pointing a gun at Oz after he restrained Raj. - The Eleanor reveal works really nice. - Overall, it's a good chapter, but some of the action feels a little rushed and confused, muddling some of the major moments within the chapter. The scope feels a little too big too.

- I like Oz and Hayden's flirty interaction. - Krieger is the "possible" heir? That sounds a bit confusing. - The reveal of Hayden's father feels a little flat to be. It might be too soon to drop this bomb, especially because we just learned her father was the first Rex. - I do like the world-building - especially all the thought that goes into planning a city so close to the equator. - Oz's reaction to Johnny also really, really works for me. - Okay, the hook at the end is just awesome. I really, really want to read more.

The FBI is definitely a lot more believable, Kuper, and there's also a lot more information on how the FBI operates readily available. But don't feel too bad - I've seen "Interpol" used in tons of movies and TV shows interchangeably with law enforcement agencies. It's another one of those Hollywood myths

- I really like the concept. - I don't believe Interpol has the ability to make arrests. I think they are more of an inter-agency network that helps law enforcement organizations from different countries collaborate. I'm not sure if the CIA can make arrests either, at least officially. - I like the twist of Nakamoto having a double. - As I said, I really like the premise, but at least in this chapter, it plays such a small role in the story. I would liked to seen more of the bar's supernatural element, even if it just in the background. - That said, I really liked the pacing of the story and the action of the flashbacks.

- This could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I didn't know Sara could "will" her armor around her. This may be a hold over from one of my first comments, but I'm curious what the capabilities of the angels are, especially where technology is involved. - "She sang alone" . . . I love this . . . it's very sparse yet very haunting. - When the Fallen star rescues her, I think the scene is more told than shown. I'd like you could have a lot more suspense, especially given the galaxy-sized opposition she's up against. - I also like Lucifer's arrogance. It's one of his most traditional traits, and this Lucifer is definitely very proud. - Sara's Fall from grace was a little confusing, as was Uldomiel's subsequent conflict with her. If Lucifer is gone, are Fallen angels really that much of a threat? - Overall, I really liked this story. It definitely kept my interest.

- The conversation between Moon, Eclispe and Salene feels a little disjointed with him talking to Moon and explaining stuff to Salene at the same time. It makes the infodump stand out a bit. - That said, I really do like the concept of equilibrium. - Still struggling to understand the world, and the relationship between Guardians, Witches, etc. - I do like Moon's denseness, especially with Salene's sarcasm. - Interested to read more!

I'd also like to submit next Monday, if there are spots available. I just got back the result of an entry to a short story competition.

Welcome to the group! - As previously noted, your command is English is excellent. I would recommend moving your description up on the first page. "She was beautiful" doesn't do much to hook the reader, but i think your description certainly well. - Very interested in Veil and Mus, though I'm very curious how a large white mouse has an American accent. - It took me a while to realize Mus was a mouse - if I read that right - and not just someone she was talking to while a mouse was circling her feet. - Overall, I'm very interested in the world you are building. I'd definitely like to read more.

Yay! I'm all caught up! It only took me two weeks . . . - I really like the emphasis on historical accuracy. - I would have liked a little more lead-up to Washington's presence in the room. At first, he is just called "impossible" and a "monstrosity", but some description might clue in the reader before the infodump. - I enjoy any team-up that involves a zombie George Washington. - I would have liked to see more of Royall and Washington's interaction before they got into the thick of things. - Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. I am worried some of the dialogue is too long. Some of this works because that's just how they talked in the time period, but too much might annoy the reader.

- Okay, first off, I like that she has six wings, like the traditional Seraphim. As previously mentioned, I'm an angel nerd, so I'm hooked. - I also like the description of her angelic weaponry - in particular the sword with the power of a dwarf star! - I'm getting a Cthulhu-vibe from the Elder Thing and I'm digging it. - i also love the action. - I would like to know more the technology. After all, if they are angels, while do they need technology, or perhaps more specifically, what do they use it for? - Ugh. I can't wait read the second part!

- This is probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but was Calgary in the previous submission? Oz mentions meeting him as a kid, and i get that he's his adoptive father, but it's a little weird when he calls him his not-father and we have no idea who he is. - I'm trying to figure out how the Brides figure into this world of the Rex. Again, this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it seems like there is much more that needs to be explained before they are all ushered off to their rooms. - Maybe I'm confused, but it's took me a while to realize Oz knew Eleanor previously. i thought they were just meeting in the first chapter. - I like the world you are building. I think I just need to understand it a bit more.

- I had a hard time figuring out the setting at first. The kebab and coffee put it in a more modern setting. But if it's not a real world setting, what is it? - Okay, what does a moonwolf look like? And is this different from how he looks in his human state? It's confusing when Moon is fighting one, especially after just talking about hunting one in the forest. - I do like the moon centric channeling system. - As previously noted, the frustration with the main character's hair is kind of annoying after a while. Unless it's actually a sentient, living being separate of Moon, I would suggest cutting it down. - Okay how is a moonwolf different than a darkwolf, since you mentioned the man Moon fought was probably a moonwolf. - I do like the suspension as Moon realizes something is tracking him. - I love Salene reminding Moon that her mother will kill him if she dies. - I like the honorific exchange between Moon and Eclipse. - I like the humor in the closing dialogue, but I feel like the last line needs more. It feels like an excuse for infodumping more than anything else.

Slowly catching up. I'm reading this from work, which I feel is the equivalent of a crowded New York subway. - I understand it's supposed to be sudden, but the man with the gun comes in way too soon on the first page. Maybe it's because it is told to us instead of shown. - I am very curious about the gunman's exchange with Oz's father, as well as the ominous mention of his mother. That got my attention. - Rex seems a little awkward since it's used in plural throughout the section. Maybe Rexes would be better, even if it's not grammatically appropriate. - Really getting a Shadow Over Innsmouth vibe from the Rex I like it so far. - I think you are skipping over the action beats a bit too much. Don't tell us the diner exploded. Show us it feels and looks. - I like the world you are building. i definitely want to see more of it!

I'm slowly catching up! - I like the line about the regent being a bear. I'd have to seen a lot more details about what happens when one of the guests turns into a bear on a half-moon. - I'm a little worried the humor and wonder of this piece is a bit too understated, especially if you are going for a Monty Python-esque tone. Not much of the first few pages caught my eye until we get to the bit about what rats can carry and what doves can carry. - I've never heard squirrels as being described as admirable, and i love it. - I love the last line. - Overall, I think it's a great piece. I just think the fantasy elements need to be brought up sooner, to keep the reader interested.

- I like the ambiance the main character feels when he "loses" someone. It's an interesting idea since it really does mean they are literally in a better place. - The parenthesis after "We've done this before, we've never lost" feels a bit awkward. - Magdi's crossing hits hard, but feels like it needs more reaction from Harth. - "If you think I'll balk you ARE mistaken." - I did not see that ending coming, but it definitely works, and definitely says what it needs to.

Slowly working my way up through all the submissions I missed last week. - I like the Ursula Le Guin quote at the beginning. - Not sure I like the name Joebob, but it could just be subjective. - I like the action and the description of the first few pages. - I definitely like the world being set up here, and I'm interested to know more about earning a soul and "making a Meal".

- I like the first line a lot. - I am intrigued with the opening, as a dead soldier finding himself tasked with more fighting. - "To keep the hoard at bay." I think you mean hordes, unless they are being attacked by a large stack of money (which really would be pretty awesome.) - I'm really, really liking the set-up. The cryptic fate of the previous commander. The main character's incredible task. The Purgatory setting. - You used hoard again on Page 3. - It might be good to know who they lost, even if it was just a character we saw sparingly. - I really like this set-up. I'll probably get caught up by the end of the week.