Certified Gay Disasters

[Hmmm lies she/her]

1 hour ago, AonEne said:

As Faerie Braids said, there's no timeline, and experimenting with social transition or presenting as a girl in whatever ways feel good and safe can help you figure out where you're at. There's a reason the joke is cracking out of your trans egg - many trans people do not realize until later in their life, even if they know of transgender people conceptually, that they're trans. It often takes a lot of thought before suddenly you just realize and break out of that egg. There was a time in my life where I didn't think I was trans either. And know that you can examine doubts without letting them make you anxious or sad - if you want to wear feminine clothes, do it! You can keep thinking on it and giving it time while still doing things that make you happy now. Even if it turns out that you are a guy who wants to present femininely or crossdress, it's fine to take some time to figure that out and tentatively try out thinking of yourself as different things. 

I think that's what happened, I like that analogy. It's strange, the day I realized, and most of the day after, I was panicking constantly. But now... everything feels normal, as if nothing has changed. Because nothing has changed. This was always the way I was, and will always be the way I am. It honestly feels kinda underwhelming, but I suppose I'll take it.

[King Oreo]

hellooooo! I'm transmasc and I like boys (achillian) so here I am

[Koloss17 She/They]

21 minutes ago, King Oreo said:

hellooooo! I'm transmasc and I like boys (achillian) so here I am

Hello hello!

[Hmmm lies she/her]

Hello, fellow disasters! After a tough week or so, I have determined that I am 100% transfem, despite doubts I had. Unfortunately, defeating that anxiety made way for another level of anxiety, worry that I won't be able to be a real woman and my life will suck. Not really an improvement. Oh well, at least I know who I am.

Please give me encouragement.

[Koloss17 She/They]

2 hours ago, Hmmm lies said:

Hello, fellow disasters! After a tough week or so, I have determined that I am 100% transfem, despite doubts I had. Unfortunately, defeating that anxiety made way for another level of anxiety, worry that I won't be able to be a real woman and my life will suck. Not really an improvement. Oh well, at least I know who I am.

Please give me encouragement.

Hey! Let me tell you this: you will be a real woman. You are a real woman. The concept of “real” is arbitrary and stupid. But if you want to define it as “passing” or “being treated as though you were cis”, I can assure you that it is very possible. It might take a while, and you will almost certainly have a phase of not passing. And that is okay. You need to fail to improve, and transitioning is no different in that regard. 
 

I have a lot that I can share about my experience, but the biggest is what I call the Passing Pyramid. It highlights three core elements of external appearance that generally judges how people decide your gender in their heads. There is no three that I feel go above the rest, but so long as you have two of the three aspects, I think you will generally pass among generally supportive folk. All of these big three apply to any gender, but I’ll focus on the trans femme lens.

1) clothing. If your dress sense is more typically feminine, like wearing bras, dresses, or generally female cut clothing, you will be perceived in a more feminine way.

2) secondary sex characteristics. This can range from a feminine hair style to body fat distribution to breast growth to how well shaved you are. Hormones make this part a lot easier, but you can certainly make strides without it.

3) VOICE. I know voice training can be daunting, and it is very frustrating that hormones don’t help a feminine voice. However, it is a fairly crucial part to transitioning. I recommend private voice lessons if you can afford it, but if not, there are plenty of online resources to help (they will just sadly not be personalized). I highly recommend Transvoicelessons on YouTube, as she is one of the most experienced voice trainers in the field for transfemme voices.

If you would like to talk or for me to offer more personalized advice, you are more than welcome to hit up my DMs, either on here or on Discord (TheCosmerian). I wish you all the best, and know that if nowhere else, you have a supportive community here.

[Hmmm lies she/her]

Thank you. But honestly, it's not so much passing that scares me (even if voice training does kinda), it's coming out to people who have known me as male for years. It'll probably feel so weird having them call me my new name. Right now I'm only out to my parents, a friend of mine who's NB, and strangers on the internet. Also, I'm worried I won't fit in with other women, despite the fact that I've never fitted in with men, and also am completely antisocial, so I'm not sure what my brain is so worried about. But the point is, I would be way more comfortable being out to people who never knew me as male.

Although, right now I don't feel too anxious or dysphoric, it comes in waves, and right now, everything feels pretty good, which, it did not when I wrote the above post. 

[AonEne he/him in an enby way]

 Totally understandable to be worried about that! I hope coming out to your parents went well. Coming out takes a lot of bravery, but I can promise you it will get a little easier with time. 

I can't promise you that you'll definitely fit in with other women, but I can tell you that it doesn't matter. Everyone is unique, and being trans is only one way in which you're unique. I know it sounds trite, but it's true; some women are blind, some women are Latina, some women are left-handed, some women are trans. They're (you're) all women! And in that way, you do fit in with everyone else. 

Hell yeah feeling good! 

[ShrubSeph he/him]

I got asked out on my first date with another guy two days ago (at least I'm pretty sure it was a date) so yippee! We went and saw a musical and it was great.

I had already asked him to prom (he said yes) which is in a few weeks and I'm super excited!

[King Oreo]

2 hours ago, ShrubSeph said:

I got asked out on my first date with another guy two days ago (at least I'm pretty sure it was a date) so yippee! We went and saw a musical and it was great.

I had already asked him to prom (he said yes) which is in a few weeks and I'm super excited!

Wahoo!! I hope you two have fun 

[Hmmm lies she/her]

I just had a cool experience earlier. I was feeling a bunch of dysphoria and anxiety, but I played some music, and with pure force of will and determination I managed to reset my mental state back to "good".

I... didn't know that was an option. Previously I had thought that if you had bad feelings you just had to wait them out. But this seems better.

 

Soon I'm going to go shopping for some fem clothing. I won't be able to wear it in public, really, but I'll still take those doses of euphoria.

[Kajsa she/her]

ok hello lovely people

i'm new here

and i have a question

i'm sorry if this is, like, awkward asf

so i've been straight my entire life, right? right ok

but for a while i've been questioning things

help

how do you know?

Edited April 15 by Kajsa

[Koloss17 She/They]

49 minutes ago, Kajsa said:

ok hello lovely people

i'm new here

and i have a question

i'm sorry if this is, like, awkward asf

so i've been straight my entire life, right? right ok

but for a while i've been questioning things

help

how do you know?

Here’s the neat thing: ya don’t. 
 

Sometimes, it’s clear as crystal. When I was first vibing as agender, I felt like I was okay with wanting to relate to feminine things, but right now I only wanted to move away from masculine things.

Then one day, I saw this image of a fantasy character in a card game, and I went: “her. I want to be her.” It was that snap moment. 
 

 

But at the same time, it took me quite a while to realize I wasn’t cis. I ended up having to ease into the label of agender, tried it out, and only then deciding I liked it (until I discovered I was a trans woman in the above paragraph”.

Some things are worth easing into and trying out, and some things you just realize in a split second.

[ecjhtheedgedancer]

2 hours ago, Kajsa said:

ok hello lovely people

i'm new here

and i have a question

i'm sorry if this is, like, awkward asf

so i've been straight my entire life, right? right ok

but for a while i've been questioning things

help

how do you know?

Just try things out and see what sticks! I started out identifying as a straight, cis greysexual and have ended up at genderthil panromantic aroflux asexual. Find what seems right. 

If you have friends who will support you and are questioning your gender, you can try asking them to call you [pronouns and/or name] to see if it feels right. 

Also, research different genders and sexualities. A few years ago I didn’t know asexuality existed. Google can be a lifesaver (but make sure you’re using a safe device, possibly in incognito mode).

 

As for knowing for sure, as Koloss said, sometimes things just snap, but if that’s not what happens to you, don’t worry. Always remember, however you choose to identify, you are valid, and you are just as “qualified” as anyone else.

 

It’s not awkward, don’t worry, we’re happy to help.

 

Good luck and have fun!

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

2 hours ago, ecjhtheedgedancer said:

genderthil panromantic aroflux asexual.

May I ask what that means fully?

Edited April 16 by Thaidakar the Ghostblood
Forgot punctuation

[Crowstavern They/she/he]

Hello other disaster gay people,

I’m genderfluid and omniflux :)))

I’m glad to have found a community here in the shard full of similar people! I hope that I could grow to understand my identity even more.

17 hours ago, Kajsa said:

ok hello lovely people

i'm new here

and i have a question

i'm sorry if this is, like, awkward asf

so i've been straight my entire life, right? right ok

but for a while i've been questioning things

help

how do you know?

For the longest time I didn’t know anything about this stuff. I grew up oblivious to it. But things changed once I got older.

I remember just going through so many different labels as I was learning more about myself. I had plenty of time to figure it out and start during Covid. 
it takes a long time to figure out and see what works for you. 
I eventually settled on genderfluid because it described what I had felt undue for so long. Sexuality took a bit longer. 
Try things out is my advice, see if you like guys, girls and anyone in general. Look inside and find out. I wish you all the luck! It’s hard but I believe you’ll find out.

[ecjhtheedgedancer]

On 4/16/2024 at 12:11 AM, Thaidakar the Ghostblood said:

May I ask what that means fully?

Genderthil - gender is fluid between female, feminine, nonbinary, and masculine identities, but never or rarely fully male

Panromantic - romantically attracted to people regardless of gender

Aroflux - fluctuates between alloromantic and aromantic

Asexual - don’t really feel sexual attraction 

[Block he/him]

36 minutes ago, ecjhtheedgedancer said:

Aroflux - fluctuates between alloromantic and aromantic

If I can ask, what does alloromantic mean.

Spoiler

Also, hello. I’m a straight guy (not a human, I am a skinwalker)

 

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

46 minutes ago, ecjhtheedgedancer said:

Genderthil - gender is fluid between female, feminine, nonbinary, and masculine identities, but never or rarely fully male

Panromantic - romantically attracted to people regardless of gender

Aroflux - fluctuates between alloromantic and aromantic

Asexual - don’t really feel sexual attraction 

Thanks so much for helping me understand!

side question, what would you say is the difference between asexual and aromantic, or are they interchangeable terms?

[ecjhtheedgedancer]

On 4/22/2024 at 10:01 PM, Thaidakar the Ghostblood said:

Thanks so much for helping me understand!

side question, what would you say is the difference between asexual and aromantic, or are they interchangeable terms?

No problem! Happy to help.

Asexual and aromantic are not interchangeable. The easiest way for me to explain this is probably: 

Picture a book written for younger teens, like KOTLC or Percy Jackson. The romance in these books is very chaste and not very suggestive. The characters are probably experiencing primarily romantic attraction. Aromantic people don’t really fall in love, but can experience sexual attraction. Alloromantic is the opposite of aromantic.

Now picture a book written for older teens or adults, like Fourth Wing or Colleen Hoover books (I assume, I haven’t read them). Spicy books. Not a lot of simply romantic, cute, cuddly scenes like in KOTLC. These books are really mislabelled as romance novels, and the “romance” in them is often based on sexual stuff. Asexual people can experience the cute cuddly stuff, but don’t really experience sexual attraction. It’s not necessarily people thinking sex is gross - many ace people actually enjoy sex - but there isn’t that… pull??? To have sex with people??? Idk I’m ace through and through. Allosexual is the opposite of asexual.

Sorry for the long-winded rambling, hope this helps!

Edited May 1 by ecjhtheedgedancer

[AonEne he/him in an enby way]

On 4/22/2024 at 9:26 PM, ecjhtheedgedancer said:

These books are really mislabelled as romance novels, and the “romance” in them is based on sexual stuff.

I do disagree with this - while they're separate attractions (that happen to be in the same direction for many people), that doesn't mean every instance of sexual attraction in a book is devoid of romantic attraction as well. For a lot of us weirdo allos (and some aspec [asexual or aromantic spectrum, for our learners in the thread] folks too!), there are instances where sex or sexual attraction are inherently romantic, or where primarily romantic attraction does have a sensual element to it. In a lot of these spicier books, it is still romance happening. Heck, a lot of pure smut has romance in it, despite it not being the focus of the genre. There's also a marketing element as to what kinds of plots or tropes readers might expect to find in romance books. 

That's a tangent, sorry, I like talking about this stuff. Ever since I figured out I wasn't ace anymore a few years back I've found it all kind of fascinating. Humans! Your explanation was good  

[Hmmm lies she/her]

Referring to my egg self be like

Spoiler

 

[Koloss17 She/They]

8 minutes ago, Hmmm lies said:

Referring to my egg self be like

  Hide contents

 

Biiiiig mood

[Hmmm lies she/her]

  

3 hours ago, Koloss17 said:

Biiiiig mood

Heh, I am actually clueless how I stayed in the egg this long. While in the egg, I had the very cis male experiences of:

• Wanting to wear fem clothing
• Thinking that if I were born a girl, I would be a cis lesbian
• Wanting to show up at a future wedding also wearing a white dress
• Being annoyed that I wasn't born a girl, and therefore not a cis lesbian
• Constantly writing my main characters as female, and also headcanoning multiple of my own characters as transfem
• Wanting to have lesbian sex(?!?!?!?!)
• Being annoyed that I also 'wasn't' transfem (Not sure why I decided I wasn't)
• Thinking that female genitals would be better than male genitals

The only possible reason I stayed in the egg this long was that I didn't know enough about trans people at the time. But, then, after March 16 when it cracked, every Google search made me more and more sure I was transfem.

[Koloss17 She/They]

4 hours ago, Hmmm lies said:

  

Heh, I am actually clueless how I stayed in the egg this long. While in the egg, I had the very cis male experiences of:

• Wanting to wear fem clothing
• Thinking that if I were born a girl, I would be a cis lesbian
• Wanting to show up at a future wedding also wearing a white dress
• Being annoyed that I wasn't born a girl, and therefore not a cis lesbian
• Constantly writing my main characters as female, and also headcanoning multiple of my own characters as transfem
• Wanting to have lesbian sex(?!?!?!?!)
• Being annoyed that I also 'wasn't' transfem (Not sure why I decided I wasn't)
• Thinking that female genitals would be better than male genitals

The only possible reason I stayed in the egg this long was that I didn't know enough about trans people at the time. But, then, after March 16 when it cracked, every Google search made me more and more sure I was transfem.

I mean, repression is one hell of a drug. But yeah, folks really need to be educated younger, because boy does knowing that you can actually be who you want to be helps.

[Block he/him]

On 4/22/2024 at 9:26 PM, ecjhtheedgedancer said:

Alloromantic is the opposite of aromantic.

If alloromantic is the opposite of aromatic, couldn't you just, not specify that? I'm assuming that alloromantic means that you feel romantic feelings, so if you just don't specify that I feel like it's just already implied. Could someone help explain this to me?