Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

52 minutes ago, Mystic said:

…

So, I may be a little biased since I just read through the coppermind and the arcanum about him with the intent of roasting him…. But:

You know how many people he’s killed right? Remember the Battle of Twilight Falls?

I don’t, but yeah he is kinda a mass murder.

Still love the sheathed version 

[Archer he/him]

Highprince Torol Sadeas accepts your challenge, Lord Ladrian!

Ten heartbeats are enough, 
I have the wit of a king, 
Nine houses talking tough, 
But who’s pulling their strings?

Ate and drank to their health, 
I was everyone’s friend. 
Seven princes served myself, 
So I tried a Kholin cleanse. 

Six feet under I could put you, 
I’m no stranger to war. 
Five years on the plains crew, 
And a decade before. 

Fortune favors the bold?
I’m Highprince of Sedition!
Three words on you: old, 
rash, and lacking ambition. 

To best you I’ll succeed
With my tactical logic. 
One blade’s all I need, 
Not reliant on magic. 

Zero in on my face, 
‘Cause I’m ready to duel. 
Heroes leave in disgrace, 
For I’m proficiently cruel. 

What do you mean you didn’t bring a sword? I assumed a House Lord could at least borrow a blade. No matter, we will continue with words alone!

I run a policing staff, 
Our laws are followed entirely. 
I’m here on Lessie’s behalf, 
To launch a formal inquiry.

Lord Ladrian, called ‘Waxy’,
Like the skin of a corpse.
My spies told me facts, see,
To bring the dead some recourse.

Bloody Tan the mortician, 
Shared, “great shows are unrepeatable”. 
Buddy’s plan met fruition, 
Snared the cop thought unbeatable. 

An old chap in your head,
When you let in a Shard. 
The old chapel turned red, 
From bullets you discharged.

Your love died that day,
I would pity her. 
Were she here she’d say, 
Eye wounds really hurt!

“Someone moves us”, Tan said,
As in your arms she expired. 
You then moved west, and fled,
Holstered arms and retired?

From the city wanted liberation, 
But in the Roughs wore Sunday best. 
Was Mister Suit your inspiration? 
Your uncle’s boy, even in dress. 

The way you’re fighting all is tricks,
Know when you’re beaten, coward. 
I’ve yet to learn your politics, 
But I’ll have your seat in hours. 

Cordially yours, 
Future Elendel Senator, Highprince Torol Sadeas 

[Frustration]

To dearest Nomad

Szeth-Son-Neturo wore white on the day he was to roast a thing.

Spoiler

Not sure why they paired us, this won't be a fight,

But I suppose that on your flaws I could shed some light.

 

Forgive me if I didn't fill out the proper forms, ever Azish this is your flaw.

But as I said to Nale, "I am the Law."

 

I spent years looking for someone to beat me but you aren't on that list.

You tried to join the army, but were too weak to enlist.

 

Next you followed Kaladin who owned the wind and sky.

But you never were him, now you can't even fly.

 

Then you took the dawnshard, but you used it like a clown.

All you do is run away while they're hunting you down.

 

They call Hoid the Liar, yet you say you're doing fine.

Wasn't bad enough to kill your own spren, you just had to kill mine.

 

It took you a whole book to bring down a single king.

In that time I kiled dozens, hear how flat your efforts ring?

 

When it comes to saving people you can't even beat Wayne,

And he's an idiot let's be real, the truth is you're quite lame.

 

Your soul's not getting hollower, let's admit you're just a follower.

 

You need a personality but that'd require some originality.

 

You need some investiture to top off, but the truth is you're just a knock-off.

 

I hope you do some introspection, 

because to find someone to beat you I just have to look at my reflection.

@AonEne, Checkmate.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

Dear Highprince Torol Sadeas, that was quite the show,

But it doesn't take a duel to get your true colours exposed

Blinded by eye shade and scared of the dark

You're clutching at roles that are falling apart

A Highprince, a lighteyes, a slaver, what next?

Drowned innocents in blood to meet your saviour complex

I've made many mistakes, I know that I'm flawed

But I'd choose my lessons over your indifferent applause

Allied with murder and married to guilt

Set in the empire which through death you built

Trading for bridgemen, you barter with lives

These are your people and they choose your demise

Ruler of "intelligence" and perpetrator of war

Highprince of Alethkar, up on your high horse

(...Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one, do you? It's good to know even Rosharan horses have taste)

Challenged to a battle of wits, yet you can't outwit one

As sharp as a sphere and a Brightlord who's dun

You can call me a puppet, a plaything of the Shards

You're too concerned with division to tell hate and honour apart

Line up your massacres, life after life

Your death saved a thousand with one stroke of the knife

You were a case no one bothered to solve

And here you are trying to control the tale told

You paid in other's lives to be somebody

Yet you'll still be a footnote when it comes to history

So rusts if I'm perfect, it's not what I'd wish

But at least when I'm gone, I know I'll be missed

Quote

I read Archer's and immediately panicked; it's brilliant!!!!!

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

Wayne takes a swig from his canteen:

Spoiler

‘Ello mate. You like hats? No? Sad.

 

You like protecting? How d’ya pr’tect? 

 

You saved Bridge 4, you killed the Pursuer, and freed that Tower.  But your dad’s way isn’t a defect.

 

You can’t laugh with your men, you can’t connect to Szeth, you’re missing the point.

 

You say Life Before Death, but why don’t you live? 

 

You fight and you fight and you fight, but you fight Adolin as he tries to help. He gives you free booze and you can’t dri—

 

*muffled* Wayne! That didn’t rhyme!

 

Shuddap Wax, I got ‘im on the ropes!

 

Why couldn’t you kill Moash?

 

He’s an absolute piece of trash!

 

He’s a shadow of what he used to be, and he kills your friends with what’s basically glee.

 

But you’re stuck in the past, clinging to what didn’t last.

 

And now, Gramps…

 

*drops coin and pushes off it*

 

You’re not the only one who can fly.

@Stardust

[Archer he/him]

1 hour ago, Ink and Embers said:

Highprince of Alethkar, up on your high horse

(...Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one, do you? It's good to know even Rosharan horses have taste)

 

But at least when I'm gone, I know I'll be missed

Gotta admit, this was a pretty good roast! 

32 minutes ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

‘Ello mate. You like hats? No? Sad.

XD Flawless, no notes

[Ashspren]

Great roasts so far, everyone! @GG0z @Stardust @AonEne please post by 12pm EDT!

Edited Friday at 04:56 AM by Ashspren

[Stardust She/Her]

*Me panicking as I realize that I didn't account for it being EDT*

Here is Kaladin's roast! It's not quite as completed as I wanted, and some parts don't flow as smoothly as I want. I just ran out of time in the end. But I am still quite proud of some parts of it, and I hope you all enjoy!!!

Spoilers for all of SA and Misborn

Spoiler

*As the spotlight turns to Kaladin, he scowls, then picks up the mic* 

 

I guess it’s my turn to throw some heat

I’m Kaladin Stormblessed and I can’t be beat

 

*He turns to face Wayne, looking mildly amused*

 

So it’s you I’ll be facing- is this a joke?

With one bar I’ll leave you in the smoke

 

But I guess even you need your chance to feel strong

When in reality you’ve been the weakest all along

 

I’ve always been a leader

With a noble heart

The ideal light eyes, if you will

Though I didn’t look the part

 

You? You’re lower than low

You’re a common thief

Taking things and calling it a ‘trade’

It’s a recurring motif

 

You say it was a mistake

But it’s one you still make

 

So maybe I’m not perfect, I’ve fallen to the ground

But at least I can say my arc comes around

 

You have no growth, you keep falling short

Clearly helping people is not your forte 

 

Out of millions of people, an honorspren chose me

You should just be glad your powers are hereditary

 

Not that your powers are any good

Let’s be honest, they’re a joke

You can heal a bit?

Well I can do that too,  [imitating Wayne] ya’ bloke 

 

I take one breath of Stormlight and heal with ease

To do a fraction of that you have to walk around sick

And you think your Slider powers are cool? Please, 

I can do much better than that- my powers literally stick

 

Though, I guess you got a new power

Now you can fly! 

I can do that better

In fact, I claimed the sky

 

You’re trespassing on my area, kid

When it comes to powers, you’re just outbid.

So why don’t you go home, back to the Roughs?
Oh, that’s right, you ain’t that tough

 

You try to act cool with all your disguises

All your speed bubbles and games you’ve played

But the truth behind your lies is

You’re just afraid

 

You think you’re a hero
But let me put it this way. 

Bomb: One

Wayne: Zero

 

Let’s face it, your praises will never be sung

Because everyone knows, you’re a murderer who should’ve been hung. 

 

*Kaladin drops his mic and gives Wayne a triumphant glare*

This was so hard, but it was so much fun!!! Thank you so much @Ashspren for doing this again! And @Ascended Grubberfly, great job on your roast, I was laughing so hard. 

And the rest of you did a great job as well, you made it look so easy!!! 

[Stardust She/Her]

GG0z can't access this thread- his browser keeps crashing, so I am submitting his rap for him.

Nightblood's Roast!!!!

Spoiler

You’re an ancient lizard sitting on a rocky throne

Spent ten thousand years hiding all alone

Got a mind full of wisdom but you’re frozen in place

I’m a black-blade blade, drawing blood from your race

You write letters to Hoid like a pen-pal teen,

Safe in your mountains, never wanting to be seen

I'm the sharpest in the Cosmere, slicing through the cognitive

You're just a relic who forgot how to live!

 

You call yourself Frost but you're breathing out fire

A giant overgrown iguana ready to retire

I destroy the evil, make it black smoke and ash

One chip of my edge and your whole legacy will crash

 

You like a non-intervention policy, keeping hands clean

But you're the laziest dragon that I've ever seen

Vasher draws my steel and the whole world shakes

You just sit in a cave baking birthday cakes

You hoard shiny metal, think it makes you a king?

If you try to touch my hilt, you won't feel a thing

Except a sudden urge to cease to exist

You're a myth, you're a fraud, you're a target on my list!

*Just to clarify, he wrote it all, I am just posting it in the thread for him

Edited Friday at 03:27 PM by Stardust

[Ashspren]

Thank you so much to all the participants! These were truly incredible roasts, and our voters have a tough decision on their hands. (And @Stardust, thank you for submitting on @GG0z's behalf!)

As @AonEne has not submitted, @Frustration wins by default. I will say, the introduction of "Szeth-Son-Neturo wore white on the day he was to roast a thing" is a winner in my eyes, anyway––that was truly inspired. 

Everyone, including the audience, has until Monday 7/13 at 12pm EDT to vote on the winners! Vote using this link.

[Mystic He/Him]

9 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Thank you so much to all the participants! These were truly incredible roasts, and our voters have a tough decision on their hands. (And @Stardust, thank you for submitting on @GG0z's behalf!)

As @AonEne has not submitted, @Frustration wins by default. I will say, the introduction of "Szeth-Son-Neturo wore white on the day he was to roast a thing" is a winner in my eyes, anyway––that was truly inspired. 

Everyone, including the audience, has until Monday 7/13 at 12pm EDT to vote on the winners! Vote using this link.

*Shamelessly votes self*

[Ashspren]

Sorry for the delay, everyone-- was stuck without WiFi for a bit. 

The winners of Round 1 are Kaladin, Nightblood, and Sadeas! @Stardust, @GG0z, and @Archer congrats on your victories. 

@Ascended Grubberfly, @Mystic, and @Ink and Embers, thank you so much for playing! You wrote some incredible roasts, and I'm sure Wayne, Frost, and Wax would have been proud of how they were represented. 

Our semifinal round is as follows: 

• Sadeas vs. Szeth  ( @Archer vs. @Frustration )
• Kaladin vs. Nightblood  ( @Stardust vs. @GG0z )

Best of luck everyone! The deadline for your roasts is Friday 7/17 at 12pm EDT. 

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

10 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Sorry for the delay, everyone-- was stuck without WiFi for a bit. 

The winners of Round 1 are Kaladin, Nightblood, and Sadeas! @Stardust, @GG0z, and @Archer congrats on your victories. 

@Ascended Grubberfly, @Mystic, and @Ink and Embers, thank you so much for playing! You wrote some incredible roasts, and I'm sure Wayne, Frost, and Wax would have been proud of how they were represented. 

Our semifinal round is as follows: 

• Sadeas vs. Szeth  ( @Archer vs. @Frustration )
• Kaladin vs. Nightblood  ( @Stardust vs. @GG0z )

Best of luck everyone! The deadline for your roasts is Friday 7/17 at 12pm EDT. 

Wayne shall remember this insult!

May your next drink take like bendalloy!

Good job Star!

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

13 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Sorry for the delay, everyone-- was stuck without WiFi for a bit. 

The winners of Round 1 are Kaladin, Nightblood, and Sadeas! @Stardust, @GG0z, and @Archer congrats on your victories. 

@Ascended Grubberfly, @Mystic, and @Ink and Embers, thank you so much for playing! You wrote some incredible roasts, and I'm sure Wayne, Frost, and Wax would have been proud of how they were represented. 

Our semifinal round is as follows: 

• Sadeas vs. Szeth  ( @Archer vs. @Frustration )
• Kaladin vs. Nightblood  ( @Stardust vs. @GG0z )

Best of luck everyone! The deadline for your roasts is Friday 7/17 at 12pm EDT. 

Go Archer!!! That was awesome!!!! Good luck everyone!!!!!

*Wax notices Wayne running off and has to follow him urgently*

[GG0z He/Him]

15 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Sorry for the delay, everyone-- was stuck without WiFi for a bit. 

The winners of Round 1 are Kaladin, Nightblood, and Sadeas! @Stardust, @GG0z, and @Archer congrats on your victories. 

@Ascended Grubberfly, @Mystic, and @Ink and Embers, thank you so much for playing! You wrote some incredible roasts, and I'm sure Wayne, Frost, and Wax would have been proud of how they were represented. 

Our semifinal round is as follows: 

• Sadeas vs. Szeth  ( @Archer vs. @Frustration )
• Kaladin vs. Nightblood  ( @Stardust vs. @GG0z )

Best of luck everyone! The deadline for your roasts is Friday 7/17 at 12pm EDT. 

I made it onn!!! 

I won? Star won't be able to compete since she is at a camp

Thanks and sorry, Frost

[Mystic He/Him]

5 minutes ago, GG0z said:

I made it onn!!! 

I won? Star won't be able to compete since she is at a camp

Thanks and sorry, Frost

Congrats

I’m definitely trying again next time though

[Archer he/him]

34 minutes ago, GG0z said:

I won? Star won't be able to compete since she is at a camp

has anyone ever seen them in the same room together 

36 minutes ago, Ink and Embers said:

Go Archer!!! That was awesome!!!! Good luck everyone!!!!!

*Wax notices Wayne running off and has to follow him urgently*

I really liked yours too! That is a poetic exit though 

[GG0z He/Him]

1 minute ago, Archer said:

has anyone ever seen them in the same room together 

I really liked yours too! That is a poetic exit though 

Who? Me and Star?

[Mystic He/Him]

1 hour ago, GG0z said:

Who? Me and Star?

I feel pretty confident they’re not the same person 

[GG0z He/Him]

19 minutes ago, Mystic said:

I feel pretty confident they’re not the same person 

Definitely not

*looks around suspiciously*

[Ashspren]

8 hours ago, GG0z said:

Star won't be able to compete since she is at a camp

Okay, how long will she be away? I can extend the deadline if it's short term. 

If not, how do we want to handle this? I'll leave the question to the remaining participants. My suggestion is to do a 3-way roast between Sadeas, Nightblood, and Szeth.