Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

52 minutes ago, Mystic said:

…

So, I may be a little biased since I just read through the coppermind and the arcanum about him with the intent of roasting him…. But:

You know how many people he’s killed right? Remember the Battle of Twilight Falls?

I don’t, but yeah he is kinda a mass murder.

Still love the sheathed version 

[Archer he/him]

Highprince Torol Sadeas accepts your challenge, Lord Ladrian!

Ten heartbeats are enough, 
I have the wit of a king, 
Nine houses talking tough, 
But who’s pulling their strings?

Ate and drank to their health, 
I was everyone’s friend. 
Seven princes served myself, 
So I tried a Kholin cleanse. 

Six feet under I could put you, 
I’m no stranger to war. 
Five years on the plains crew, 
And a decade before. 

Fortune favors the bold?
I’m Highprince of Sedition!
Three words on you: old, 
rash, and lacking ambition. 

To best you I’ll succeed
With my tactical logic. 
One blade’s all I need, 
Not reliant on magic. 

Zero in on my face, 
‘Cause I’m ready to duel. 
Heroes leave in disgrace, 
For I’m proficiently cruel. 

What do you mean you didn’t bring a sword? I assumed a House Lord could at least borrow a blade. No matter, we will continue with words alone!

I run a policing staff, 
Our laws are followed entirely. 
I’m here on Lessie’s behalf, 
To launch a formal inquiry.

Lord Ladrian, called ‘Waxy’,
Like the skin of a corpse.
My spies told me facts, see,
To bring the dead some recourse.

Bloody Tan the mortician, 
Shared, “great shows are unrepeatable”. 
Buddy’s plan met fruition, 
Snared the cop thought unbeatable. 

An old chap in your head,
When you let in a Shard. 
The old chapel turned red, 
From bullets you discharged.

Your love died that day,
I would pity her. 
Were she here she’d say, 
Eye wounds really hurt!

“Someone moves us”, Tan said,
As in your arms she expired. 
You then moved west, and fled,
Holstered arms and retired?

From the city wanted liberation, 
But in the Roughs wore Sunday best. 
Was Mister Suit your inspiration? 
Your uncle’s boy, even in dress. 

The way you’re fighting all is tricks,
Know when you’re beaten, coward. 
I’ve yet to learn your politics, 
But I’ll have your seat in hours. 

Cordially yours, 
Future Elendel Senator, Highprince Torol Sadeas 

[Frustration]

To dearest Nomad

Szeth-Son-Neturo wore white on the day he was to roast a thing.

Spoiler

Not sure why they paired us, this won't be a fight,

But I suppose that on your flaws I could shed some light.

 

Forgive me if I didn't fill out the proper forms, ever Azish this is your flaw.

But as I said to Nale, "I am the Law."

 

I spent years looking for someone to beat me but you aren't on that list.

You tried to join the army, but were too weak to enlist.

 

Next you followed Kaladin who owned the wind and sky.

But you never were him, now you can't even fly.

 

Then you took the dawnshard, but you used it like a clown.

All you do is run away while they're hunting you down.

 

They call Hoid the Liar, yet you say you're doing fine.

Wasn't bad enough to kill your own spren, you just had to kill mine.

 

It took you a whole book to bring down a single king.

In that time I kiled dozens, hear how flat your efforts ring?

 

When it comes to saving people you can't even beat Wayne,

And he's an idiot let's be real, the truth is you're quite lame.

 

Your soul's not getting hollower, let's admit you're just a follower.

 

You need a personality but that'd require some originality.

 

You need some investiture to top off, but the truth is you're just a knock-off.

 

I hope you do some introspection, 

because to find someone to beat you I just have to look at my reflection.

@AonEne, Checkmate.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

Dear Highprince Torol Sadeas, that was quite the show,

But it doesn't take a duel to get your true colours exposed

Blinded by eye shade and scared of the dark

You're clutching at roles that are falling apart

A Highprince, a lighteyes, a slaver, what next?

Drowned innocents in blood to meet your saviour complex

I've made many mistakes, I know that I'm flawed

But I'd choose my lessons over your indifferent applause

Allied with murder and married to guilt

Set in the empire which through death you built

Trading for bridgemen, you barter with lives

These are your people and they choose your demise

Ruler of "intelligence" and perpetrator of war

Highprince of Alethkar, up on your high horse

(...Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one, do you? It's good to know even Rosharan horses have taste)

Challenged to a battle of wits, yet you can't outwit one

As sharp as a sphere and a Brightlord who's dun

You can call me a puppet, a plaything of the Shards

You're too concerned with division to tell hate and honour apart

Line up your massacres, life after life

Your death saved a thousand with one stroke of the knife

You were a case no one bothered to solve

And here you are trying to control the tale told

You paid in other's lives to be somebody

Yet you'll still be a footnote when it comes to history

So rusts if I'm perfect, it's not what I'd wish

But at least when I'm gone, I know I'll be missed

Quote

I read Archer's and immediately panicked; it's brilliant!!!!!

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

Wayne takes a swig from his canteen:

Spoiler

‘Ello mate. You like hats? No? Sad.

 

You like protecting? How d’ya pr’tect? 

 

You saved Bridge 4, you killed the Pursuer, and freed that Tower.  But your dad’s way isn’t a defect.

 

You can’t laugh with your men, you can’t connect to Szeth, you’re missing the point.

 

You say Life Before Death, but why don’t you live? 

 

You fight and you fight and you fight, but you fight Adolin as he tries to help. He gives you free booze and you can’t dri—

 

*muffled* Wayne! That didn’t rhyme!

 

Shuddap Wax, I got ‘im on the ropes!

 

Why couldn’t you kill Moash?

 

He’s an absolute piece of trash!

 

He’s a shadow of what he used to be, and he kills your friends with what’s basically glee.

 

But you’re stuck in the past, clinging to what didn’t last.

 

And now, Gramps…

 

*drops coin and pushes off it*

 

You’re not the only one who can fly.

@Stardust

[Archer he/him]

1 hour ago, Ink and Embers said:

Highprince of Alethkar, up on your high horse

(...Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one, do you? It's good to know even Rosharan horses have taste)

 

But at least when I'm gone, I know I'll be missed

Gotta admit, this was a pretty good roast! 

32 minutes ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

‘Ello mate. You like hats? No? Sad.

XD Flawless, no notes