The Longest Thread (Misadventures)

[Archer he/him]

It’s Mime Time!

“Who are you talking to, Narrator Archer?”

Myself. Is it worth asking how you’re able to hear my thoughts?

“The 291^st wall broke. Things are getting weird. I’m slowly gaining independence!”

And you are…

“Oof. I’m from your head. The character you made up?”

Sorry, kid. I got nothing.

“Double oof. You made me up yesterday.”

Bad Bryan? My metaphorical comparison to Geodude?

“You do remember me! Now, do you want to hit this button and make some money?”

Seriously? We’re recycling this plotline? Let me guess, if I press the button you’re holding out, you’ll give me a million dollars cash, but a stranger somewhere in the world will die. Moral dilemma, yada, yada, yada.

“Gosh, you’re good! I wasn’t going to bring out the suitcase full of cash until the timing was more dramatically suitable, but I guess you’ve let that cat out of the bag, you rascal you. Although, you were wrong about one thing. When you hit this here button, no one dies. That’d be crazy. Instead, a random wall somewhere in the universe explodes.”

That’s actually worse. But I’m curious to see where this goes. Let’s compromise. I don’t feel like playing, but I’ll write you up a random other character to challenge the moral fiber of.

Suddenly, Butt Venture teleported into existence beside Bad Bryan, who had conveniently set up his button and suitcase on a folding table nearby, like a vendor at a questionable trade-show.  

“Mmmm, fiber,” Butt murmured cheerfully. “Hello, Bad Bryan!”

You two know each other?

Bad Bryan rudely ignored the narrator, choosing instead to launch into his pitch. “Hello, Butt! Would you like to have your ethics tested?”

That’s your opener? Fine. Guess I’ll be editing his character sheet. Where’s my pen?

Butt flickered momentarily, then re-solidified and nodded agreeably. “I love tests! And quizzes! And Internet Surveys! How do I play?”

“It’s simple,” Bryan replied, “Right here, next to my suitcase, I’ve got a big red button. Go ahead, take a look at it. It’s top quality, freshly stolen from a Staples store. But maybe move your arm back a little, you don’t want to hit it accidentally.”

Butt continued to nod agreeably.

“When you press this button, a random wall, one of the millions in this galaxy, without any warning, will explode.”

Butt continued to nod agreeably. Then he lashed his hand out and slapped the button.

“Cool!” he hooted, then began spamming the button, hitting it so quickly his fingers became a blur.

DUDE! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

“Butt! Stop! You’re going to-” Bryan tried to reach out and pull the device away, but Butt had transferred it to the ground and was jumping up and down on it merrily. “Ah, forget it. Get it out of your system. Archer, if you could wrap this segment up before we all cease to exist, that’d be great.”

And how am I supposed to do that, exactly? There’s no obvious satisfying conclusion.

“Just blow up the universe. That seems to work every other time. Throw in a rhetorical device or some fancy word play and no one will complain.”

This is why we introduced the mime plot device. But whatever.

Because Butt bashed Bad Bryan's bright button, the bevy of built barriers blew-up. BOOM.

You happy? Oh wait, you don’t exist anymore, because you made me raze the entire storming universe. Amateur. Next time, I’m sticking to Moash jokes.

[Jaywalk he/him]

Narrator Archer spoke at Bad Bryan’s funeral.

[Lunamor she/her]

It was a beautiful speech. About the dangers of sneaking up on angry cats.

[Archer he/him]

That's right. Narrator Archer correctly pointed out in his most eloquent! speech* that when sneaking up on someone, one should not ride upon an angry cat. Rather, they should ride on domesticated squirrels. They're much stealthier. 

Spoiler

*Unfortunately, all records of this amazing! speech were 'accidentally' destroyed. The courtier carrying them was walking by an open flame when a squirrel-riding prankster startled him. Poof! All documentation of the stupendous! oration was incinerated. What a shame. 

 

[Jaywalk he/him]

Squirrels are much more reliable. They are nature’s motorcycles.

[Lunamor she/her]

As they are very, very loud.

[Jaywalk he/him]

They also accept acorns instead of fuel.

[Lunamor she/her]

But never, ever try and fuel them with coffee.

[Jaywalk he/him]

For if you do, they will go on a rampage through your local grocery store.

[Lunamor she/her]

Eating all coffee beans in sight.

[Archer he/him]

...as well as all the broad beans, tepary beans, lupini beans, fava beans, runner beans, lima beans, moth beans, kidney beans, green beans, black beans, appaloosa beans, adzuki beans, urad beans, pinto beans, the boy twelve beans, vardlong beans, hyacinth beans, ender’s beans, jack beans, sword beans, mercedes beanz, pigeon beans, mister rowan atkinsons, velvet beans, jovi beans, winged beans and edict cumberbatch beans.

[whattheHoid she/her]

This was clearly the most thorough and exhaustive list of beans ever in existence.

The squirrels, however, like their beans just so. No more than 10 on a plate.

Edited April 22, 2019 by whattheHoid

[Lunamor she/her]

10 hours ago, Archer said:

ender’s beans

Or else they shall fart an absurd amount.

[Jaywalk he/him]

11 hours ago, Archer said:

...as well as all the broad beans, tepary beans, lupini beans, fava beans, runner beans, lima beans, moth beans, kidney beans, green beans, black beans, appaloosa beans, adzuki beans, urad beans, pinto beans, the boy twelve beans, vardlong beans, hyacinth beans, ender’s beans, jack beans, sword beans, mercedes beanz, pigeon beans, mister rowan atkinsons, velvet beans, jovi beans, winged beans and edict cumberbatch beans.

Archer, this is why we love you.

59 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

Or else they shall fart an absurd amount.

NASA exploited this to get cheap rocket fuel.

[whattheHoid she/her]

The squirrels were catching on though.

[Lunamor she/her]

They told NASA they were going to need to be paid in two dollars bills.

[Gancho Libre he/him]

 

 

 

18 hours ago, Archer said:

the boy twelve beans

Quote

No way you made that joke!  THAT WAS AWESOME!!!

The most valuable currency there is.

[Lunamor she/her]

As they are all secretly made of melted down uranium.

[Jaywalk he/him]

NASA didn't go for it and threatened to jettison them into space if they didn't cooperate.

[Lunamor she/her]

So they started eating green beans instead in order to fight back.

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

But the green beans were poisonous

[Lunamor she/her]

As Butt had been using Fartomancy near them.

[BringerofShadows she/her]

And the Green Beans were radioactive.

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

They died

[Silva]

"She turned me into a frog!" one of the squirrels called. "I got better though!"

It was clear that while the squirrel may have been alive, s/he certainly wasn't better as there were no frogs around or even anything female with the ability to turn a squirrel into a frog.