Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[Kaymyth she/her]

cramps

No, wait.  That doesn't quite get my point across accurately.

 

CRAMPS

[Jondesu he/him]

According to my neurologist, we've exhausted the medication options for my head pain. Next (and only) possible option is Botox injections, directly into my scalp. Where it hurts already. 8 of them in one go. And even though I'm (somewhat) willing to go through the pain and risks associated, I have to wait and dread until December 22nd before they can do it.

Did I mention that Botox carries a risk of paralysis?

[marsoupial they/them]

Oh, @Jondesu, that's terrible. I hope everything turns out for the best. 

I rusting hate diabetes. 

I'm sitting on my floor eating carrots because my blood glucose is five-ninety and I have ketones. I feel sick, and just had to stab myself, and now I have reached the realization that I am at a constant risk of slow, painful death.

Yay.

[Sunbird she/her]

@bleeder Oh my Stormfather. I'm cringing just thinking about how awful you must be feeling right now. I had to watch my diabetic cat suffer through ketones and it was heartbreaking. He would collapse on the floor, panting and howling in obvious pain, and I hate to think that that's how you're feeling.  *hugs*

[Voidus]

3 hours ago, Jondesu said:

According to my neurologist, we've exhausted the medication options for my head pain. Next (and only) possible option is Botox injections, directly into my scalp. Where it hurts already. 8 of them in one go. And even though I'm (somewhat) willing to go through the pain and risks associated, I have to wait and dread until December 22nd before they can do it.

Did I mention that Botox carries a risk of paralysis?

What kind of pain/headaches? I've had botox suggested to me before and I am quite glad I managed to find an alternative.

[Silverblade5 he/him]

My girlfriend now has a concussion(I think it was from hitting a table leg when blacking out) and may have lost her voice for a month.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Silverblade5

[Jondesu he/him]

1 hour ago, Voidus said:

What kind of pain/headaches? I've had botox suggested to me before and I am quite glad I managed to find an alternative.

I've had a 24/7 constant headache for 2 years, 10 months, and 12 days now. It's defied all classification (some say tension or stress headaches, others a kind of persistent migraine, and one called it a "new daily persistent headache", which is fairly useless except as a description) and resisted all meds and treatments so far, completely. Nothing touches it. What did you find as an alternative, though?

[Mestiv he/him]

1 hour ago, Silverblade5 said:

My girlfriend now has a concussion(I think it was from hitting a table leg when blacking out) and may have lost her voice for a month.

She lost her voice as a result of this concussion? how does that work?

[Mistrunner]

Not exactly a bad day, but I guess kind of a sad thing?

Today was the last football game. It was a good season for the band- we played well in the stands, we did well at contest- but now it's over.

Football games were the only time I actually talked to people, and man does that make my life sound somewhat depressing.

It was a good run. I'll miss it, though.

[Voidus]

9 hours ago, Jondesu said:

I've had a 24/7 constant headache for 2 years, 10 months, and 12 days now. It's defied all classification (some say tension or stress headaches, others a kind of persistent migraine, and one called it a "new daily persistent headache", which is fairly useless except as a description) and resisted all meds and treatments so far, completely. Nothing touches it. What did you find as an alternative, though?

Got lucky on one of the triptans as a preventative and oxygen as an abortive, they're rather specific for cluster headaches though.

[Delightful]

Ok. I need a rant. 

 

I thinj im low on vitamins or something, since moving to israel I've been way more active by necessity so I'm more muscular and it feels weird in a sudden change awkward teenage way and I'm always hungry and always tired and I have people around but I don't regularly see people I'm close to face to face so I'm sad and lonely and I need hugs and I'm tired of ring tired. And I have to wake up at 6:30 so I'm getting tired at like 8:30 and that's not my natural sleep pattern and it's weird and I don't like it and also I want to watch some tv to escape and relax but my high speed internet didn't roll over at the end of the month so I'm still stuck on slow internet and I called customer support ans they can't help me yet and I can't even watch Bruce for 30 seconds cause it won't load and I'm sad and lonely and tired of being tired help. Oh and I'm scared and depressed about The us elections even though I don't live in the us?! Cause it's all over my fb feed and it's all anyone talks about?! 

[Erunion he/him]

1 hour ago, Delightful said:

Ok. I need a rant. 

 

I thinj im low on vitamins or something, since moving to israel I've been way more active by necessity so I'm more muscular and it feels weird in a sudden change awkward teenage way and I'm always hungry and always tired and I have people around but I don't regularly see people I'm close to face to face so I'm sad and lonely and I need hugs and I'm tired of ring tired. And I have to wake up at 6:30 so I'm getting tired at like 8:30 and that's not my natural sleep pattern and it's weird and I don't like it and also I want to watch some tv to escape and relax but my high speed internet didn't roll over at the end of the month so I'm still stuck on slow internet and I called customer support ans they can't help me yet and I can't even watch Bruce for 30 seconds cause it won't load and I'm sad and lonely and tired of being tired help. Oh and I'm scared and depressed about The us elections even though I don't live in the us?! Cause it's all over my fb feed and it's all anyone talks about?! 

/hug. 

More active by necessity? IDF or just busy? (If IDF maybe go to a medic?)

Check your diet - are you getting enough protein? Also take multivitamins? 

But ouch

/hugs

[Delightful]

2 minutes ago, Erunion said:

/hug. 

More active by necessity? IDF or just busy? (If IDF maybe go to a medic?)

Check your diet - are you getting enough protein? Also take multivitamins? 

But ouch

/hugs

Not idf, just crazy busy and walking a lot and carrying groceries because no car. I'm gonna see if I can work out how to see a dr...

thanks

[marsoupial they/them]

6 hours ago, Delightful said:

Ok. I need a rant. 

 

I thinj im low on vitamins or something, since moving to israel I've been way more active by necessity so I'm more muscular and it feels weird in a sudden change awkward teenage way and I'm always hungry and always tired and I have people around but I don't regularly see people I'm close to face to face so I'm sad and lonely and I need hugs and I'm tired of ring tired. And I have to wake up at 6:30 so I'm getting tired at like 8:30 and that's not my natural sleep pattern and it's weird and I don't like it and also I want to watch some tv to escape and relax but my high speed internet didn't roll over at the end of the month so I'm still stuck on slow internet and I called customer support ans they can't help me yet and I can't even watch Bruce for 30 seconds cause it won't load and I'm sad and lonely and tired of being tired help. Oh and I'm scared and depressed about The us elections even though I don't live in the us?! Cause it's all over my fb feed and it's all anyone talks about?! 

*hug*

[Silverblade5 he/him]

Spoiler

 

Hello?

Sorry my mom came in

That’s alright. I saw what you wrote earlier, and thought it was a good answer to what I had asked before you left. So I cut and pasted it. Can you think of any other answer though?

Nevermind. I’m going to reread it, and see if I can come up with some comments.

What question.

Favorite and least favorite thing about me.

When you smile you seem not kinder person but a different type of kinder. And I've never seen you fake smile.

What kind of impression do I give when I am smiling? Do you ever think my smile is fake?Or am I just that good at faking?

You’ve never seen my mom trying to get me to cooperate with taking a picture.

Do you think you’d be able to describe the different types of kindness you see in me? Between when I smile and when I don’t.

Well when you do smile it's this kindness that almost screams out HI I'M APPROACHAbLE.

When you're not smiling it's this sad kindness that says you will be there for me

What about when I’ve already been approached? What then?

Really? It just shows that you are open and nice

Like I said before, sometimes the reason why I’m loud is because I’m internally trying to drown out the voices inside that says that I’m wasting my time, that people will be mad for what I say or do, that my actions will only hurt the people near me. Maybe that smile is an expression of that.

I believe it is.

Guess for me,  it was just a matter of time, distance, and shouting the bad voices into submission.

I really wish I could come up with a way to help with the first two

You hear voices too? I thought I was the only one

Yep. They sound like my stepmom, telling me I’ve screwed up again. They sound like my Dad, telling me that I’m going to slow, that can’t understand simple instructions, that if he knew I’d take this long he’d have just done the thing himself and not asked for my help. They sound like my step mom telling me that I can’t do the most basic task. They sound like my dad  asking me why he’d ask me for help with help like mine.

That sounds terrible I'm so sorry.

The internet has been very helpful in drowning this out. Putting myself in a fandom so that I have a chance to excitedly talk about something without being  told to shut up. Where the things that I say are actually listened to. Surrounding myself with examples of past success, and forcing my face to reflect that.

Can you guess what my voices say?

Yes. Would you rather see that, or what I think they sound like?

You say then I'll tell

OK.

You’re worthless. Ugly. You can’t do a single thing right. Every conversation is a waste of time. All you ever do is waste time. You can’t do a simple task. You’re an embarrassment. You are a poor reflection of your parents. No one will ever care about you. You’re too immature to be likable. You can’t even act your own age.

You forgot KILL YOURSELF

Continuing.

People don’t like you. They’re embarrassed by you. They don’t care about you, and never will, so why bother trying?  You would not be missed. Your absence will make people feel better. They’ll be glad you’re gone.

All true thought

I’d miss you. You add to my life. I care.

K. Right now the voices are screaming in my head all that… and they are winning too.

What normally makes them be quiet?

Cutting

Do they ever quite down when you do something you’re really enthusiastic about?

Usually yes but I'm talking to you right now and that's something that makes me the happiest and it's not helping. I am so close to ending my life.

And yet you’re also so close to reviving it.

What

You’re so close to turning it around for the better. The fact that you even thought about asking me out proves this.

Okay… but that was then not now. Now I wanna die and I'm close…

Can you make it until tomorrow?

I'm not sure.

I think you can. I know you can. I believe that you want too. That you want to be able to talk to me again and geek out over something cool.

Then why do I have a bottle of pills in my hand.

Because you know that we’ve both really opened up tonight. Made ourselves vulnerable. And that scares you, because despite knowing who I am, you’re still in a position where I could really hurt you.

I'm scared that you will hurt me yes. Tonite I said more about the REAL me than you could ever know

That’s right. You helped me learn many new thing about you. You’ve helped me figure out what I really like about you. You’ve told me what really scares you.And I like you all the more because of it. Because I’m learning something new about someone I like.

What do you really like about me

Besides what I said last time, you’re a person that’s been through what I’ve been through. You’re a person that actually understands me, and that I am able to understand partially as well.

Cool… i don't know how to respond to that.

What about you? What have you learned about me tonight?

That you aren't scared to be vulnerable with me. I like that ALOT.

*hug*

I um did something terrible. I blacked out and now I can't find the pills. I either took them or… disposed of them? Probably the first one though…

When was this? How long ago?

I'm not sure. It can't do much harm though it's just ibuprofen. As long as you help keep me awake for a few hours then it would have gone through my system.

Were you in your room when you blacked out?

Yes. Hello? I need you to keep typing Alex.

Here. Were you in your bed, at your desk, or on the floor when you woke up?

Floor? I think… it's kinda blurry I can't remember

I need you to look around right now and try to find that bottle.

I'm holding the bottle. It's empty.

Did this blackout happen when we were talking?

Ya I think so no.

Did you ever use the restroom during that time?

Do you remember ever throwing something away?

No. I haven't left my room in a while I think and I have no way to throw stuff out in my room.

I’m about ready to have Austin call poison control. I’m really worried that you did take them instead of disposing somehow.

Do you have any idea on how you would’ve disposed of them?

Trash can. Or put them back under my bed where they were previously.

Think you could check under your bed for a spill?

Um… i found a few pills…

How far under were they?

Not that far. Just by the rim.

Alright. I’m beginning to think that you’d dropped the bottle when you blacked out, it rolled towards your bed, and the pills fell out then. I’m feeling slightly better now. Do you have any idea how many pills were in there before?

Um 20-30

Do me a favor. Clean up the pills, counting them as you put them back in the bottle. Use the flashlight on your phone to check further under your bed in the areas you can’t see easily. Then, tell me what that number is.

None of that's gonna do me any good. My vision is doing  the see two pf everything thing right now

In that case, I need an answer right now. Should I have Austin call poison control?

No. I'm sure I'm fine. Just keep talking to me k? I feel like me having a panic attack is gonna help right now.  

Alright. However, if I go 10 minutes without hearing from you and you can’t get me that pill count, I’m calling regardless.

What did you do for dinner?

Steamed broccoli with cheese

Nice. Ground turkey with rice.

Ew I hate rice. Except with sauce. Barbecue sauce.

I'm only counting 10 pills and that's me dividing it by 2 cause I was seeing double and counted 20

Can you try touching them and putting them in the bottle one by one? This might be more accurate.

That's what I did.    Yes.

And you counted 10 when doing that?

That still leaves at least 10 unaccounted for. Unless you were also seeing double when you made the initial estimate.

No I couldn't have. It's a new bottle and I it says 25 pills. No I checked my whole room

Did you only check your bed?

Even the under the dresser? Yes

Were they capsules or tablets? Can they be easily crushed?

No not easily crushed. Capsules

No chance of being flattened under your back and into the carpet when blacking out then?

I already checked everywhere for every possible option!

That’s it. I’m not taking chances. I’m calling Austin. I’ll let him decide

Wait wait wait I found at least 5 more pill…

Where?

Under my pillow. \

Ok. You also checked your blankets, right?

Ya …

OK. I feel slightly better now. If you feel anything that’s different from usual in any way, you tell me ok.

I will. I swear.

Thank you.

Is it normal for your throat to feel like it's swelling when you're having a panic attack…

I don’t believe so. Do you normally notice it doing that right before blacking out?

Not usually. I feel like I can't breathe but never the feeling of swelling.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction before?

Yes.

To what?

One of those really weird long long long ingredients that's usually at the bottom the list. Started with z .

Check the label. Tell me if there’s anything like that on there.

There is

I don’t care what you think about your parents. Go to them right now, tell them about your throat.

I can't get up off my bed. Everything is spinning way too fast.  Hold on, my epipen! If I can get to it

I’m calling Austin. Nothing will change my mind now

I managed to get my epipen. I injected it or whatever you do with it. Shot myself in the leg or whatever.

Bull crap. I’m talking to austin right now. He says you don’t have an epipen. Do you really have one?

Yes I do. It's just not a common ingredient so I never mention it.

Alex, because this is a matter of pills, I won’t believe you unless you take a picture and text it to me

Picture? Of what? The epipen? You know I don't have my phone.

Is there a brand name on it?

I don't know. I already put it back in the box under my bed.

Regardless, you said that one of the ingredients looked similar to something you’d had a reaction to in the past. Epipen is not a cure, it’s only meant to buy  time to get treatment. TELL YOUR PARENTS AND SHOW THEM THE PEN.

I'm sorry okay! I'm freaking out and I feel like you are too but you typing in capitals is like yelling and I just can't handle that right now

I’m sorry. I am freaking. I’ll feel a lot better if you tell your parents.

I can't! Cause then I have to explain why I had the pills… and all that stuff.

Alex, in my eyes, your life is on the line right now. If you don’t tell your parents I’m going to have Austin call the hospital.

I don't care if my life's on the line… remember? Remember why I took the pills, to end said life.

But I do. Your phone is going to be called soon.

Fine fine I'll tell my parents. Just don't call my phone please I beg you.

I'm going to the hospital… yay. Keep talking though I need you right now

Austin is in now.     Where is he?

In but not typing. If your phone was called, that was him.

Great. Just great. Whatever.

Was it called?

I don't  Know. I left it at Tarahs  house earlier.  Hi Aus

Do I need to call the hospital alexander?

It would be pointless considering I'm already on my way there

Your already on your way their? So you went to your parents yea!?

Okay alright well I don't think I am still needed here Alexander if anything else happens text me call me make me notice alright? I will be going to bed soon I will leave Do not disturb off. Im heading off the doc

Thank you Alex. I know you probably hate me right now, but I care about you.

I know you do. That's why I don't hate you right now

I’m really glad about that. Are your parents saying anything to each other right now?

I'm not sure I lost all ability to hear half an hour ago. Still can't talk unless emergency or really freaking out.

How is your throat feeling?

Can you breathe OK?

No not really.

Do you remember where you injected the epipen?

My leg… upper thigh.

Ok, good.

I’m having trouble thinking of something to talk about. Do you have anything in mind?

No. anything at all works for me

nope. Lying down.

Can you see out the window right now?

Darn. Have you seen any movies lately?

I went to the movies today w Tarah.         Shut In

What did you watch?

Never heard of it. What was it about?

Idk. I forgot.

Do you know if you liked it?

I liked it. It was a good movie.     Um ya.

Do you remember any of the things that it did well?

I'm getting really tired all of a sudden…  is closing my eyes a good idea? Or bad?

I honestly don’t know. Keep telling me about the movie.

I can't keep my eyes open. My moms shaking me.

Alex?

Alex?         I see a bright bright bright light… everything's fading to grey

Alex?

Everything will be fine.

I just blinked and now I'm in a hospital bed…? I hear loud blaring noises. The machines are going off. People are coming into my room… hospital room

You’re going to get better Alex. I know it. God will make it happen.

 

What…

WHAT A stormING MINUTE! ALEXANDRA stormING WHITE.  What the hell do you think your doing. Scaring the rust out  of us. HOW ARE YOU TALKING TO US! IF YOU WERE IN A HOSPITAL ROOM THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A DEVICE TO TYPE ON! Don't give me the Bulls hit that you have an iPad or your mom's phone or somthing cause what this seems like to me is that you are making a reason to talk to us!

NO I'M stormING PISSED. REALLY! YOUR USING YOUR MOM'S PHONE HUH WELL FROM WHAT I HEARD SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO US!

Aus, let her respond!

Actually smart guy.  I AM using my moms phone so shut the hell up.

Alex, I know what might calm Austin down. Whatever you’re using to talk right now, take a pic of where you are. Text it to us.

I can't. I'm breaking the rules just by using the phone Alexander.

POINT stormING PROVEN. WELL GUESS WHAT I STILL CARE JESUS CHRIST. YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A stormING PANIC ATTACK FOR CHRIST'S SAKE HOLY rust.

Also… Austin is only slightly right. I'm not in a hospital. I never had the allergic reaction. I DID take those pills and I was hoping I could make it so you would both hate me for lying and I could kill myself know neither of you would care

Alex, while I'm slightly disappointed by this, I still forgive you, and I still care, and I’m going to keep caring.

NO don't you get it! I don't want you to care! I want you to be pissed like Aus is and go away even though you know there is a high chance I will kill myself tonight.

Well then I going to have to disappoint you then. This time, I don’t feel to bad about it.

Aus? Alex?

I’m still here. Even though you don’t want me to be I am.

You are a great boyfriend. Which makes me feel bad for lying. And makes me feel bad for leaving you like I will be tonite

Alex, I forgive you. When we talk in the doc tomorrow, we will act like this didn’t happen.

Alexander. You are missing the point.

I

AM

KILLING

MYSELF

TONITE

Tell me exactly how. Not just pills or knife. Every detail.

Hi Aus.

 

Didn't format this time. Might do so later. tl;dr: We had a nice chat about what we like about each other and the voices in our heads that made us not like ourselves. She blacked out with a full bottle of ibuprofen in her hand. Woke up with it empty. She was able to recover 20/25 pills. We both think she took the other five. She used this to fake an allergic reaction. Another guy came on. He caught on that she was faking it. She came clean. She was hoping that when we found out, we'd be so pissed, that she'd be able to kill herself knowing no one cared. She stated that she was going to do it tonight. Now the other guy is trying to contact parents.

EDIT: He wasn't able to get in contact. Neither of us know her address, so we can't call police.

Edited November 13, 2016 by Silverblade5

[Delightful]

26 minutes ago, Silverblade5 said:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Hello?

Sorry my mom came in

That’s alright. I saw what you wrote earlier, and thought it was a good answer to what I had asked before you left. So I cut and pasted it. Can you think of any other answer though?

Nevermind. I’m going to reread it, and see if I can come up with some comments.

What question.

Favorite and least favorite thing about me.

When you smile you seem not kinder person but a different type of kinder. And I've never seen you fake smile.

What kind of impression do I give when I am smiling? Do you ever think my smile is fake?Or am I just that good at faking?

You’ve never seen my mom trying to get me to cooperate with taking a picture.

Do you think you’d be able to describe the different types of kindness you see in me? Between when I smile and when I don’t.

Well when you do smile it's this kindness that almost screams out HI I'M APPROACHAbLE.

When you're not smiling it's this sad kindness that says you will be there for me

What about when I’ve already been approached? What then?

Really? It just shows that you are open and nice

Like I said before, sometimes the reason why I’m loud is because I’m internally trying to drown out the voices inside that says that I’m wasting my time, that people will be mad for what I say or do, that my actions will only hurt the people near me. Maybe that smile is an expression of that.

I believe it is.

Guess for me,  it was just a matter of time, distance, and shouting the bad voices into submission.

I really wish I could come up with a way to help with the first two

You hear voices too? I thought I was the only one

Yep. They sound like my stepmom, telling me I’ve screwed up again. They sound like my Dad, telling me that I’m going to slow, that can’t understand simple instructions, that if he knew I’d take this long he’d have just done the thing himself and not asked for my help. They sound like my step mom telling me that I can’t do the most basic task. They sound like my dad  asking me why he’d ask me for help with help like mine.

That sounds terrible I'm so sorry.

The internet has been very helpful in drowning this out. Putting myself in a fandom so that I have a chance to excitedly talk about something without being  told to shut up. Where the things that I say are actually listened to. Surrounding myself with examples of past success, and forcing my face to reflect that.

Can you guess what my voices say?

Yes. Would you rather see that, or what I think they sound like?

You say then I'll tell

OK.

You’re worthless. Ugly. You can’t do a single thing right. Every conversation is a waste of time. All you ever do is waste time. You can’t do a simple task. You’re an embarrassment. You are a poor reflection of your parents. No one will ever care about you. You’re too immature to be likable. You can’t even act your own age.

You forgot KILL YOURSELF

Continuing.

People don’t like you. They’re embarrassed by you. They don’t care about you, and never will, so why bother trying?  You would not be missed. Your absence will make people feel better. They’ll be glad you’re gone.

All true thought

I’d miss you. You add to my life. I care.

K. Right now the voices are screaming in my head all that… and they are winning too.

What normally makes them be quiet?

Cutting

Do they ever quite down when you do something you’re really enthusiastic about?

Usually yes but I'm talking to you right now and that's something that makes me the happiest and it's not helping. I am so close to ending my life.

And yet you’re also so close to reviving it.

What

You’re so close to turning it around for the better. The fact that you even thought about asking me out proves this.

Okay… but that was then not now. Now I wanna die and I'm close…

Can you make it until tomorrow?

I'm not sure.

I think you can. I know you can. I believe that you want too. That you want to be able to talk to me again and geek out over something cool.

Then why do I have a bottle of pills in my hand.

Because you know that we’ve both really opened up tonight. Made ourselves vulnerable. And that scares you, because despite knowing who I am, you’re still in a position where I could really hurt you.

I'm scared that you will hurt me yes. Tonite I said more about the REAL me than you could ever know

That’s right. You helped me learn many new thing about you. You’ve helped me figure out what I really like about you. You’ve told me what really scares you.And I like you all the more because of it. Because I’m learning something new about someone I like.

What do you really like about me

Besides what I said last time, you’re a person that’s been through what I’ve been through. You’re a person that actually understands me, and that I am able to understand partially as well.

Cool… i don't know how to respond to that.

What about you? What have you learned about me tonight?

That you aren't scared to be vulnerable with me. I like that ALOT.

*hug*

I um did something terrible. I blacked out and now I can't find the pills. I either took them or… disposed of them? Probably the first one though…

When was this? How long ago?

I'm not sure. It can't do much harm though it's just ibuprofen. As long as you help keep me awake for a few hours then it would have gone through my system.

Were you in your room when you blacked out?

Yes. Hello? I need you to keep typing Alex.

Here. Were you in your bed, at your desk, or on the floor when you woke up?

Floor? I think… it's kinda blurry I can't remember

I need you to look around right now and try to find that bottle.

I'm holding the bottle. It's empty.

Did this blackout happen when we were talking?

Ya I think so no.

Did you ever use the restroom during that time?

Do you remember ever throwing something away?

No. I haven't left my room in a while I think and I have no way to throw stuff out in my room.

I’m about ready to have Austin call poison control. I’m really worried that you did take them instead of disposing somehow.

Do you have any idea on how you would’ve disposed of them?

Trash can. Or put them back under my bed where they were previously.

Think you could check under your bed for a spill?

Um… i found a few pills…

How far under were they?

Not that far. Just by the rim.

Alright. I’m beginning to think that you’d dropped the bottle when you blacked out, it rolled towards your bed, and the pills fell out then. I’m feeling slightly better now. Do you have any idea how many pills were in there before?

Um 20-30

Do me a favor. Clean up the pills, counting them as you put them back in the bottle. Use the flashlight on your phone to check further under your bed in the areas you can’t see easily. Then, tell me what that number is.

None of that's gonna do me any good. My vision is doing  the see two pf everything thing right now

In that case, I need an answer right now. Should I have Austin call poison control?

No. I'm sure I'm fine. Just keep talking to me k? I feel like me having a panic attack is gonna help right now.  

Alright. However, if I go 10 minutes without hearing from you and you can’t get me that pill count, I’m calling regardless.

What did you do for dinner?

Steamed broccoli with cheese

Nice. Ground turkey with rice.

Ew I hate rice. Except with sauce. Barbecue sauce.

I'm only counting 10 pills and that's me dividing it by 2 cause I was seeing double and counted 20

Can you try touching them and putting them in the bottle one by one? This might be more accurate.

That's what I did.    Yes.

And you counted 10 when doing that?

That still leaves at least 10 unaccounted for. Unless you were also seeing double when you made the initial estimate.

No I couldn't have. It's a new bottle and I it says 25 pills. No I checked my whole room

Did you only check your bed?

Even the under the dresser? Yes

Were they capsules or tablets? Can they be easily crushed?

No not easily crushed. Capsules

No chance of being flattened under your back and into the carpet when blacking out then?

I already checked everywhere for every possible option!

That’s it. I’m not taking chances. I’m calling Austin. I’ll let him decide

Wait wait wait I found at least 5 more pill…

Where?

Under my pillow. \

Ok. You also checked your blankets, right?

Ya …

OK. I feel slightly better now. If you feel anything that’s different from usual in any way, you tell me ok.

I will. I swear.

Thank you.

Is it normal for your throat to feel like it's swelling when you're having a panic attack…

I don’t believe so. Do you normally notice it doing that right before blacking out?

Not usually. I feel like I can't breathe but never the feeling of swelling.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction before?

Yes.

To what?

One of those really weird long long long ingredients that's usually at the bottom the list. Started with z .

Check the label. Tell me if there’s anything like that on there.

There is

I don’t care what you think about your parents. Go to them right now, tell them about your throat.

I can't get up off my bed. Everything is spinning way too fast.  Hold on, my epipen! If I can get to it

I’m calling Austin. Nothing will change my mind now

I managed to get my epipen. I injected it or whatever you do with it. Shot myself in the leg or whatever.

Bull crap. I’m talking to austin right now. He says you don’t have an epipen. Do you really have one?

Yes I do. It's just not a common ingredient so I never mention it.

Alex, because this is a matter of pills, I won’t believe you unless you take a picture and text it to me

Picture? Of what? The epipen? You know I don't have my phone.

Is there a brand name on it?

I don't know. I already put it back in the box under my bed.

Regardless, you said that one of the ingredients looked similar to something you’d had a reaction to in the past. Epipen is not a cure, it’s only meant to buy  time to get treatment. TELL YOUR PARENTS AND SHOW THEM THE PEN.

I'm sorry okay! I'm freaking out and I feel like you are too but you typing in capitals is like yelling and I just can't handle that right now

I’m sorry. I am freaking. I’ll feel a lot better if you tell your parents.

I can't! Cause then I have to explain why I had the pills… and all that stuff.

Alex, in my eyes, your life is on the line right now. If you don’t tell your parents I’m going to have Austin call the hospital.

I don't care if my life's on the line… remember? Remember why I took the pills, to end said life.

But I do. Your phone is going to be called soon.

Fine fine I'll tell my parents. Just don't call my phone please I beg you.

I'm going to the hospital… yay. Keep talking though I need you right now

Austin is in now.     Where is he?

In but not typing. If your phone was called, that was him.

Great. Just great. Whatever.

Was it called?

I don't  Know. I left it at Tarahs  house earlier.  Hi Aus

Do I need to call the hospital alexander?

It would be pointless considering I'm already on my way there

Your already on your way their? So you went to your parents yea!?

Okay alright well I don't think I am still needed here Alexander if anything else happens text me call me make me notice alright? I will be going to bed soon I will leave Do not disturb off. Im heading off the doc

Thank you Alex. I know you probably hate me right now, but I care about you.

I know you do. That's why I don't hate you right now

I’m really glad about that. Are your parents saying anything to each other right now?

I'm not sure I lost all ability to hear half an hour ago. Still can't talk unless emergency or really freaking out.

How is your throat feeling?

Can you breathe OK?

No not really.

Do you remember where you injected the epipen?

My leg… upper thigh.

Ok, good.

I’m having trouble thinking of something to talk about. Do you have anything in mind?

No. anything at all works for me

nope. Lying down.

Can you see out the window right now?

Darn. Have you seen any movies lately?

I went to the movies today w Tarah.         Shut In

What did you watch?

Never heard of it. What was it about?

Idk. I forgot.

Do you know if you liked it?

I liked it. It was a good movie.     Um ya.

Do you remember any of the things that it did well?

I'm getting really tired all of a sudden…  is closing my eyes a good idea? Or bad?

I honestly don’t know. Keep telling me about the movie.

I can't keep my eyes open. My moms shaking me.

Alex?

Alex?         I see a bright bright bright light… everything's fading to grey

Alex?

Everything will be fine.

I just blinked and now I'm in a hospital bed…? I hear loud blaring noises. The machines are going off. People are coming into my room… hospital room

You’re going to get better Alex. I know it. God will make it happen.

 

What…

WHAT A stormING MINUTE! ALEXANDRA stormING WHITE.  What the hell do you think your doing. Scaring the rust out  of us. HOW ARE YOU TALKING TO US! IF YOU WERE IN A HOSPITAL ROOM THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A DEVICE TO TYPE ON! Don't give me the Bulls hit that you have an iPad or your mom's phone or somthing cause what this seems like to me is that you are making a reason to talk to us!

NO I'M stormING PISSED. REALLY! YOUR USING YOUR MOM'S PHONE HUH WELL FROM WHAT I HEARD SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO US!

Aus, let her respond!

Actually smart guy.  I AM using my moms phone so shut the hell up.

Alex, I know what might calm Austin down. Whatever you’re using to talk right now, take a pic of where you are. Text it to us.

I can't. I'm breaking the rules just by using the phone Alexander.

POINT stormING PROVEN. WELL GUESS WHAT I STILL CARE JESUS CHRIST. YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A stormING PANIC ATTACK FOR CHRIST'S SAKE HOLY rust.

Also… Austin is only slightly right. I'm not in a hospital. I never had the allergic reaction. I DID take those pills and I was hoping I could make it so you would both hate me for lying and I could kill myself know neither of you would care

Alex, while I'm slightly disappointed by this, I still forgive you, and I still care, and I’m going to keep caring.

NO don't you get it! I don't want you to care! I want you to be pissed like Aus is and go away even though you know there is a high chance I will kill myself tonight.

Well then I going to have to disappoint you then. This time, I don’t feel to bad about it.

Aus? Alex?

I’m still here. Even though you don’t want me to be I am.

You are a great boyfriend. Which makes me feel bad for lying. And makes me feel bad for leaving you like I will be tonite

Alex, I forgive you. When we talk in the doc tomorrow, we will act like this didn’t happen.

Alexander. You are missing the point.

I

AM

KILLING

MYSELF

TONITE

Tell me exactly how. Not just pills or knife. Every detail.

Hi Aus.

 

Didn't format this time. Might do so later. tl;dr: We had a nice chat about what we like about each other and the voices in our heads that made us not like ourselves. She blacked out with a full bottle of ibuprofen in her hand. Woke up with it empty. She was able to recover 20/25 pills. We both think she took the other five. She used this to fake an allergic reaction. Another guy came on. He caught on that she was faking it. She came clean. She was hoping that when we found out, we'd be so pissed, that she'd be able to kill herself knowing no one cared. She stated that she was going to do it tonight. Now the other guy is trying to contact parents.

EDIT: He wasn't able to get in contact. Neither of us know her address, so we can't call police.

Can you call her, keep her talking? 

Find a way to ask her address asap. Try .....white pages I think it is? Or yellow pages?

school might have her address on files. DO you know anyone else she knows who would know?

Edited November 13, 2016 by Delightful

[Silverblade5 he/him]

3 minutes ago, Delightful said:

Can you call her, keep her talking? 

Find a way to ask her address asap. Try .....white pages I think it is? Or yellow pages?

school might have her address on files. DO you know anyone else she knows who would know?

No. Even if I did, they'd be asleep right now. 

She's also been off for about 30 min now 

Edited November 13, 2016 by Silverblade5

[Mestiv he/him]

I really don't like what this girl is doing :/ it starts to look like she has very serious addiction to being the centre of attention... she is holding herself hostage so you give her attention and it is never enough so she starts lying to get even more.

I don't want to say that she's doing it off bad will or that she doesn't need help. She needs a lot of professional help, because right now it's getting only worse. It's just a situation that's typical for psychological / emotional abuse, threatening to hurt myself if you don't do what I want (give attention in that case).

[Delightful]

12 minutes ago, Silverblade5 said:

No. Even if I did, they'd be asleep right now. 

She's also been off for about 30 min now 

Her life is more important than their sleep. You could also call the police and see if they have some way of finding her address that you don't?

And yeah mestiv does have a point. Either way she needs professional help.

does she know about suicide hotlines/kids help lines?

Edited November 13, 2016 by Delightful

[Quiver he/him]

Having one of *those* days. The kind where I feel I'm wasting my life, at best, or have already ruined it along the way.

I feel like I've hit this dead end. I'm creatively stagnant. I don't get a chance to do anything anymore.

And I think about all the silly nerd stuff I'd like to do -make an ANV, Web comics, cosplay- and didn't when I was younger. I can't do that now.

And I still can't drive. And still haven't the courage to go out anywhere, let alone date someone.

I just...wish I could start over, I guess. Feel like I've wasted everything. All I ever did -in school and after- is work. Heck, I have, maybe, two offline friends, and I never see them.

Urgh. Self loathing, yay...

[Straw he/him]

Silverblade, get the police involved. Under US law any person deemed a danger to themselves will be taken into protective costody and be sent to a mental health institution for further treatment. The government will also do a evaluation of any and all possible dangers to that person's health. Silverblade, I know you want your friend near by but at this point federal custody is the best option.

[Delightful]

2 hours ago, Quiver said:

Having one of *those* days. The kind where I feel I'm wasting my life, at best, or have already ruined it along the way.

I feel like I've hit this dead end. I'm creatively stagnant. I don't get a chance to do anything anymore.

And I think about all the silly nerd stuff I'd like to do -make an ANV, Web comics, cosplay- and didn't when I was younger. I can't do that now.

And I still can't drive. And still haven't the courage to go out anywhere, let alone date someone.

I just...wish I could start over, I guess. Feel like I've wasted everything. All I ever did -in school and after- is work. Heck, I have, maybe, two offline friends, and I never see them.

Urgh. Self loathing, yay...

You can do all that stuff now!

ok let me tell you a classic Jewish story. It's about a guy called Rabbi Akiva. "Love your neighbour like yourself"? He's the one who made it a big deal. He had thousands of students, he was a major Jewish leader, like up there with Moses, Maimonides, the big guys. 

He was a shepherd until he was 40. He wanted to learn but he never had the opportunity. He spend forty years penniless and illiterate and frustrated. He'd basically given up hope, till one day he was out with the sheep, and he saw water dripping onto a rock, boring a hole into it. And he just stopped, and stared, and was like OMG water has very little substances or force how the heck did it get through a solid rock??"

(I'm paraphrasing :P)

So he's standing there amongst his sheepthinks well, if water can get  through rock with enough time, surely I can get learning through my head. So with the encouragement of his wife Rachel, he went off to learn Torah. 

24 years later he returns to his hometown with 24000 students in tow, admired and respected a strong a man of great empathy as learning. 

 

so the point goes like this: Rabbi Akiva is a person who existed. He was 40 and illiterate and became one of the nations greats. 

Quiv, you're younger than forty, you can read and write, you have access to the internet you have food and shelter and a job. So. It's not too late to do whatever awesomeness you want to. Dream big, make a plan, go out and do it. Self-defeatism doesn't help. 

 

Ps I asked a friend for help remembering specific details. She says, if you think you can't then you can't. People turn their lives over at 50, older, after retirement. You have no excuse. 

[Straw he/him]

3 hours ago, Quiver said:

Having one of *those* days. The kind where I feel I'm wasting my life, at best, or have already ruined it along the way.

I feel like I've hit this dead end. I'm creatively stagnant. I don't get a chance to do anything anymore.

And I think about all the silly nerd stuff I'd like to do -make an ANV, Web comics, cosplay- and didn't when I was younger. I can't do that now.

And I still can't drive. And still haven't the courage to go out anywhere, let alone date someone.

I just...wish I could start over, I guess. Feel like I've wasted everything. All I ever did -in school and after- is work. Heck, I have, maybe, two offline friends, and I never see them.

Urgh. Self loathing, yay...

Try starting with something simple that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Examples:

-Have you ever heard of Duolingo? It's a free program that allows you to learn a language in short sessions.

-Try cooking something every month.

-Learn to play the harmonica.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

3 hours ago, Quiver said:

Having one of *those* days. The kind where I feel I'm wasting my life, at best, or have already ruined it along the way.

I feel like I've hit this dead end. I'm creatively stagnant. I don't get a chance to do anything anymore.

And I think about all the silly nerd stuff I'd like to do -make an ANV, Web comics, cosplay- and didn't when I was younger. I can't do that now.

And I still can't drive. And still haven't the courage to go out anywhere, let alone date someone.

I just...wish I could start over, I guess. Feel like I've wasted everything. All I ever did -in school and after- is work. Heck, I have, maybe, two offline friends, and I never see them.

Urgh. Self loathing, yay...

Who says you can't do that stuff anymore? 

Look, time marches on, but all that happens to you is you get older. There's no law saying that nerdy stuff is solely the domain of teenagers. If anything, older nerds have the resources and skills to do it better; just look at all of Kaymyth's cosplays. Look at her Victorian Twilight Sparkle gown. There's one word that fits, and that word is "amazeballs." 

You're in the same place I was, a few years ago—still at home, with a lot of things left undone—but now I've moved on. It just took time, and an exit strategy on my part. There's still a lot of things I haven't done, but that doesn't mean I'm entirely unable to do them. 

Don't judge yourself too harshly for what you haven't done. Do a few fun things that make you feel more accomplished. One thing I did, while still at home, was changing my style, exchanging the sophisticated hippie look I'd worn since I was a teenager for a more grunge-type look. I went to Plato's Closet, bought some secondhand clothes for cheap, and rocked my new look until I moved out. It was a small thing, but it really did help. 

Your life isn't over. There's a lot of things you haven't done, but all that means is that you'll still have the pleasure of doing them for the first time. 

[marsoupial they/them]

4 hours ago, Quiver said:

Having one of *those* days. The kind where I feel I'm wasting my life, at best, or have already ruined it along the way.

I feel like I've hit this dead end. I'm creatively stagnant. I don't get a chance to do anything anymore.

And I think about all the silly nerd stuff I'd like to do -make an ANV, Web comics, cosplay- and didn't when I was younger. I can't do that now.

And I still can't drive. And still haven't the courage to go out anywhere, let alone date someone.

I just...wish I could start over, I guess. Feel like I've wasted everything. All I ever did -in school and after- is work. Heck, I have, maybe, two offline friends, and I never see them.

Urgh. Self loathing, yay...

Why can't you cosplay, or webcomic? What's stopping you? 

Be silly and spontaneous. Go out and walk the streets for a little bit, get some fresh air. Find a duck pond. Count the ducks, name the ducks, and give them all backstories. 

Quiver, life is beautiful. Take a chance or two to go see it in its full splendor.