hawkedup

This chapter introduces a new POV and returns to the generals from L's first chapter. Thanks for reading! Noteworthy mention: This is the first chapter I wrote fresh (3.0 is a tabula rasa rewrite of 2.0) since joining the group. I think it's safe to say that I've already gotten a lot better. (But miles to go before I sleep). Anyway, thank you for that!

Yeah, nobody picked up on it at all in her first chapter and based on everyone's comments it seems I over-corrected hardcore in this chapter. I'll definitely work on finding a better balance and showing more than telling as I go forward. Thank you for reading!

Same as last week. I have something to submit but will take lowest priority slot.

I had a lot of the same issues as the others. I disagree that this is a better introduction to the world, though. The first chapter wasn't perfect but the foundation was sound and the pacing and world building happened at a really good pace. This chapter is all over the place. The lack of physical descriptions doesn't bother me much with such an early draft. 5 senses descriptions are literally the last things I add to my own stories. However, the descriptions you do give seem to work against themselves. Why are the 4 profs so inept? Are the hydra's heads all at exactly the same level? Why does it take so long for T to look over the edge where R falls? The logistics of the fight scene don't mesh. An archaeological dig for dragon bones is probably the coolest concept I've seen in a while (to the point where I'd be 100% OK if this is what your story revolved around) but it's just pushed to the side and made to feel unimportant. It doesn't feel like the characters understand their own motivations. Like R. In this chapter we learn that she's a hired bodyguard who is great at her job but isn't, who misses the city but doesn't, who doesn't mind being idle but does. She's on the run and should expect an assassin but doesn't, should be prepared but isn't. The introduction of tech threw me and I never did get my head wrapped around it and I think it's because of what has already been mentioned. Immortality tech? We already have the elixirs that reset anyone to factory settings. Not sure why we need another form of immortality or really why the tech needs to exist except to add yet another genre (steampunk) into the mix?Everything her tech does could be explained with channels or vice versa. I was totally on board with a western setting with Greek mythology as the magic system/history, but the steampunk in addition to all that and so early in the story felt like it jumped the shark a bit. I had to force myself not to skim the fight scene. I feel like you were going for Princess Bride, though, which is cool, and I think you have the writing chops to pull it off in future drafts. In fact, most of this stuff can be cleaned up fairly easily with revision. The tech was really cool even if it felt out of place. But I have questions. When T puts a battery in R's neck why doesn't she have some sort of HUD that tells her she has a battery again? I don't think she should be surprised by such a thing. Also, if it's that easy to put a battery in is it equally easy to take a battery out? Also, is this planet either A] flat or B] really really huge? Even with tech aid, the curvature of the earth would prevent you from seeing HUNDREDS of miles.

Thanks for the feedback, guys! I'll do a quote and respond later on the other stuff, but right now I want to tackle the elephant. First, I want to say thank you. A little background: I myself am on the spectrum. I've had a hand in raising multiple autistic children as well as being a councilor for others, though I haven't had a formal education on the subject. So, I appreciate you looking out and many of your suggestions (and links) that I've already started applying to the character that will help me going forward. I'm really happy this group is conscious of such things. I've never actually tried to write an autistic (term used very loosely here) character before so I know I'll make some mistakes. Do try to keep in mind that Z is very much at the beginning of her character arc. Some of the stuff you guys have pointed out are things she simply hasn't yet realized about herself because she doesn't have access to the tools that we do. @kais Picked out the one word I had the most trouble using: This is a perfect example of where Z's mindset will end up as the story progresses. At this point in the story, she *thinks* she is inept and there's nothing in her immediate world that would suggest otherwise. Besides cliche Hollywood autism, another thing I want to avoid is the "Politically Correct autism" stories that seem to be all the rage lately. You know the ones. Where the characters just seem to pop into the story fully actualized and have no room for growth because they aren't allowed to be flawed or insecure. Hopefully in the end this isn't any type of autism story and just one about a girl.

Catching up before reading this week's submission. Good start! I want to point out that I didn't have any problem at all with the mixing of a western setting with ancient Greek mythology. I thought you did a good job blending the two. The only real critique I had was the amount of slang used felt a bit excessive. Page by page comments are as I read: 1/2 - Sets the scene and tone well enough. I feel like just from this limited interaction I have a basic grasp of these two characters and what their life is like, though I'm assuming one of them (Uncle D) will probably be dead before the end of this prologue. - So I don't like the name J. It was a cliche western name even before Toy Story. 3 - A little confused as to how much of a threat the hydra is. It's dangerous but using a channel is overkill but J can do it on her own... I'm beginning to suspect it's just red herring to get these characters to the actual threat. Even so I'd like something more concrete with the hydra. 4 - "he downed the entirety of the flask, a pinkie raised" - I don't know what you were going for here but the pinkie raised thing got an literal LOL from me in a good way. - "for fear of her uncle asking her how she knew what grain alcohol was like." - Kind of a weird tidbit considering the type of job they do, but I kinda like that D would have an issue with her drinking alcohol but not with her fighting monsters. I think it's something young people can related to. - Smelling the dead cow is cool in world side effect of the magic/channels, but makes me think he doesn't use it very often? I feel like that's not a mistake you make twice. - I like the glimpse of the magic system we get here. 5 - Nitpick: I want them to ride something cooler than horses considering this is a world where mythological creatures are real. 6 - Are you choosing names that are famously tied to western novels/movies on purpose? It's slightly distracting. - Camel Rock? Like THE Camel Rock? I've been there before. I was sad when it lost it's nose. Does that mean these people are in Pojoque? - I'm starting to get the "Old wise mentor showing his soft side before he dies" vibe for sure now. 7 - Yeah. I really want some more conflict between J and D. So far it's really just him acting out of character and J noticing, but I think this is really taking away from the characters. Does he know there's something more dangerous than the hydra out there? - Since I'm 99.9% sure he's about to die, I'd personally rather see him and J acting normal. - Okay. This is way bigger than real life Camel Rock. - The growl--Grrr-sucks the tension out of the scene. 8 - "The hydra was dead..." - Cool twist. Well placed. Going back to what I said before about not knowing the threat level of the hydra works against you here, though. Could build early that hydra are very dangerous so this moment has more punch. 9 - "... trigger, the recoil sending her onto her backside and very nearly tumbling over the side of the ledge to the ground twenty feet below." - Wait does she even know how to this thing? - Is it just me or is the BKR Randall Flagg? - Wait. Your magic users are called Channelers? I liked the potions being called channels, but that's a little on the WOT nose. 10/11 - And D to the rescue. Decent fight scene followed by the death we all knew was coming. - Why didn't D drink an elixir real fast before interfering? 12/13/14 - "She downed all three down at once." - Oh dang that's cool! - So from that moment forward all my comments are basically: "Cool!" No complaints about the final pages. Good ending. Overall: - I think you have your pacing down and the world building was weird enough to keep me interested while being grounded enough that I never felt pushed out of the story. - My biggest criticism is that I really felt like I had read this before. I knew every big beat pages before it happened. You can get away with this in YA sometimes because your audience hasn't read as much and/or doesn't care as much about such things, though. - I do want to give special emphasis to Uncle D's character. You have a huge inciting incident with the BKR. Except leading up to this you have a smaller, inciting incident with D letting J take the lead. I thought maybe D knew what was coming which would've justified the double incitement, but it's obvious that he didn't know. So, that whole plot line starts working against itself because we never actually get to know the real D. Does any of this make sense? It's as if the whole J taking the lead sub-plot is only there to get J into the right place so D can sacrifice himself to save her. Yes, it is YA and you can probably get away with it, and I know we aren't supposed to do prescriptions, but I think it would be a much stronger opening if we see J and D on a normal day, with D being the dick J seems to think he is. That makes his sacrifice a] a little less predictable and b] carry more weight because you see his dickish nature was covering a heart that cared for her. Alright, onto this week's submission! Once again, sorry about the late feedback.

EDIT - Just realized I put the wrong date on the e-mail! I'm sorry. Should I re-send? This is Z's second chapter. Previously: Z eavesdrops on a town council meeting where it is revealed there is a demon on the loose in the area. To her surprise, a boy named R and a girl named M (who are both with her while she eavesdrops) knows where the demon is. Thank you for reading!

It's not. I'll definitely get in there and play up her reaction beyond a simple gasp. So "shadow" is a term used to describe anyone who doesn't have a soul lantern. It can happen multiple ways. Brain injury like you said is the most common. Most shadows are "put down" (if you don't count the ones at "shadow farms" mentioned in epigraph 1). This is explained in L's first chapter, but based on all of your reactions to the shadow in this chapter I'm wondering if that explanation shouldn't come closer to L's interaction with her in this chapter. Or at least be reiterated. Yes and yes. L's next chapter goes into this further. Bear with me on this. I'm hoping the payoff pulls you through this early confusion. I think you're right. Normally I don't bother with this till 4.0 but that rule came into play when I didn't have anyone to critique and give feedback so going forward I will be doing this. Well, they can't use magic to fix broken bones, but did I give the impression magic isn't used to aid healing? I'll fix that. I'm glad you pointed this out. I might just cut it entirely. No, I was trying to convey petulance and impatience. I'll go back in and fix this because they aren't actually eating slop, just food that is lower in quality so L thinks of it as slop. He's in on it. I'll try to make it seem less author intrusive. Good catch thank you! I'm having trouble with this little aspect of the story as well. Off hand refers to the hand they use to hold/manipulate their soul lanterns while main hand is the one they would use to write and the like. I was refraining from saying right and left but might have to give up that little quirk. Based on your feedback I cut the V down to nothing in the first chapter. This is something I plan on paying off later but at this point I just want the reader to be aware of the V so it doesn't seem out of left field later in the book. Hopefully it works. Thank you all for your feedback! I'm actually quite encouraged by everything you had to say. The problems don't seem so fundamentally huge as they did a few weeks ago.

Hey @Alderant! Sorry about the late reply. Work and home life have been absolutely bonkers this week. Luckily for me, the others are as awesome as always and covered most of the issues I had with the piece so I won't bother going over them again. Here we go to your questions: How do you feel about the conflict? Why? - I like the concept of this prologue. It reminds me of the first prologue in WOK where you don't really know what's going on but you know it's important and will come back at some point. Unfortunately, I feel dispassionate toward the conflict(s) here and I think it's because while there are a lot of details, it really feels like you are being intentionally vague. This wouldn't be a problem if I had a better grasp on one or two aspects of the prologue. Like if you left some of the bigger stuff vague but really honed in on a primary conflict. There are multiple conflicts going on, but even the one I feel should be the strongest (when he kills his daughter) I'm left scratching my head. I have a daughter. You have daughters. This moment should be gut wrenchingly awful, but the emotional impact is lost in the shuffle. Is what I’ve written interesting? What about it (if anything) is interesting to you? If not, why? - Definitely interesting. An epic fantasy built on a formerly technologically advanced world isn't exactly unique or groundbreaking, but melding the tech with the magic feels fresh, and that's what is really important. What questions does this makes you ask (if any)? If the answer is no, why? - This goes back to my previous point about being vague. After reading this all I have is questions. I don't really know what is happening outside. I don't fully understand what is happening inside. I don't understand the characters motivations. When I am given some sort of answers they only feel like half answers. I hate to say it, but reading this reminded me of watching LOST. There really is a lot of good there, but in the end I just felt frustrated. Is there anything you feel I do well? If nothing, how can I improve? - Do well: You can definitely build a scene and suspense. Improve: Give us one concrete plot line/conflict, preferably the father/daughter conflict. Most importantly, does this intrigue you enough to want to continue reading? - Definitely. I especially like what you said in one of your comment about writing a fantasy world for your daughters.

I would like to submit as well, but give me lowest priority. If there are 5 others I will wait.

I'll take this into consideration. I definitely don't want other fans of WOT to immediately think of my book as derivative, especially not on page one. Yeah I'm having a really hard time finding a balance with exactly how authoritarian the G-K and the Church should come across to the average person. Everyone (most everyone) considers the G-K a savior but more and more people are figuring out just how non-benevolent a leader he is. Not to mention the BIG TWIST (dun dunn duuunnn) that I have planned for later. I think you're right in that maybe I shouldn't use such a concrete word or at least clarify that while actually speaking the Old Tongue is illegal, small infractions especially in rural areas aren't punished. Thanks again for pointing it out and going into it. Yeah you don't have to worry about that with me. I worry about coming across as defensive, but I promise I will never harbor any hard feelings toward someone who is taking time out of their life to help me become a better writer.

Hi @The Kraken's Daughter! I enjoyed this submission. You have a real natural (as in it feels natural when reading it) grasp of pacing/progression and story structure and your prose flow very smoothly. In my opinion these are the the absolute hardest part to get down when it comes to writing. My biggest failing is structure, so I'm not a little bit jealous. My page by page comments are from a cold read as I go so keep that in mind. 1- Sea monster. Cool. I want to see what this list of hers looks like on the page. Would help with character build. 2- For some reason calling these people "friends" seems forced. Not a fan of magicked-up. 3- I like that you open up with the mystery of the sea monster and A on the hunt, but as of right now this first section almost feels superfluous. A doesn't pop off the page enough to carry the scene. We need a bigger hook, something that puts me in her head. 4- So, what you're saying is that... he's smarter than the average boar? Why does nobody else stick around? Seems off. 5- "But as I said, you have already heard the story." Ok considering how adamant Kr was on page 2 about this guy's story, this is really really disappointing. I'm not so sure about the word frills here. I'm picturing a Gyrados. 6- I'm not convinced by R's story and I'm not sure why A does buy it. Does she know something we don't? There should at least be one very specific detail that stands out to her (and to us) that convinces her. 7- This dream is very specific. Is it more of a vision? Or just a flashback? 8- "...but she had never before shown any interest..." Wait how long has she been on this ship? Time jump? 9- “I just don’t see why you’re willing to put your whole scheme in danger just for—” This is a good intro to conflict but it's coming a bit late. P-e-r-r-i-n will always be a WOT name to me. "The sky was glorious." Cut this and go straight into the description, which is glorious. I'd like to see more description like this throughout. 10- "And why would your second mate let something slip about a plot?" - I like that the slip may have been intentional and that A picks up on it. 11- I like that he lied about the route. This is a good building moment. “H just doesn’t see it that way, is all." I'm disappointed that the first hint of real tension is resolved so easily. 12- "Can I kill such a magnificent creature?" - Boom. There it is. I knew you'd hit us with it eventually, but this is the hook that needs to happen up in the very first section. 13- So 1] This straight up flash back makes me dislike how the previous one is set up like a dream. 2] I like that it adds a level to the character and world that has desperately been missing up to this point. But 3] It doesn't flow as well as the current day plot line. "unwise to stare at shadows during the spirit hour" Tell us why. 15- So this is a good mid point but there are definitely some things missing, primarily tension. I feel no threat from the monster or the crew. Overall: Despite the lack of conflict I never found myself wanting to skim. I actually really like how you handle A's attractiveness. It feels natural rather than forced and would like to see more hints about this. A definitely needs to pop off the page more. Introducing her quest to kill the monster on page one I think will help with this greatly. Thank you for submitting! Looking forward to the next part.

Thank you, I'll definitely look into it. I'm trying to have the "voice" match the POV, but now I'm not so sure that I'm accomplishing this. I'm sad that they come across as unfavorable since it was an intentional nod. WOT is my favorite series, and one of the many ideas from my "Ideas" file that came together to make this story was: "What if the Old Tongue from WOT was Spanish?" I'll see if any alternative speaks to me while I push forward. I'm curious what your thoughts might have been if I hadn't included the word anathema. My defense is that while speaking the Old Tongue is anathema, specific words being peppered in as part of local vernacular isn't "speaking" the language. Sort of a small defiance without actually breaking any ecclesiastical law. Your reaction seemed to spill into the entirety of the chapter, though, so now I'm thinking a possible reword or simple deletion of the word entirely might be for the best. Like you said, I could spend some time showing how people who actually speak in the Old Tongue are treated. Thank you for taking the time to point this out and elaborate on it. Thank you this is very helpful. In early drafts I feel like I do way too much internal dialogue and thoughts and you pointing this out makes me think I over corrected in this draft. This is the plan. They play a huge role later and in the next chapter we see what happens to someone without a soul lantern, but I take your point and will see if I can make them more interesting earlier. Right now my rule is: Italics if the word is specifically identified as a word from the Old Tongue like fiesta; No italics if the word has become common vernacular like pueblo. Thank you for this. I do want them to come across as seeming younger than contemporary teenagers, but 11 (or 6-8 as was also pointed out) is definitely not what I'm going for. Thank you! I was really hoping to elicit exactly this. Good catch. I thought I put in there that she was a widow but I must've missed it. Thanks! I had a comparison originally I promise! lol Generally about 40, though it hits some people sooner and some people later. (Let's say + or - 2 years.) Thanks for all the feedback! Before I started submitting here, I was feeling really down about this story but I have new vigor going forward. Thanks again!

Previously: L is a chambermaid at the royal palace. She is also a spy for a group called the Faceless. At some point in the past she swapped faces with someone so she could disguise herself. She is on her way to her morning duties when her friend J surprises her. The surprise is in an area that is off limits to servants. When they hear important officials (generals) coming, they hide in a shed. L uses her magic to eavesdrop and learns that the generals are planning to take down the Faceless. --------------------------------------- I didn’t want to re-re submit L’s first chapter. Here are a few key changes I made based on your critiques: - The V-o-i-c-e only has a single ambiguous line. - General C has been mentally aged from a toddler to an older child. It is also clear now that he was once a military strategist but that his mind has been wiped recently. - General Y is more caring toward Gen C. - Food descriptors have been removed entirely. - L is more methodical and holds her immaturity in check better. Thank you for reading! For the first time in years I feel like I'm actually getting better as a writer and that's thanks to all of you.

I'll have to check my wording. Their hands only touch the water when they pull a soaking chile out to clean it. The numbness mostly comes from the chiles themselves because they are as cold as the water. As for why no implement: It's simply because doing it by hand is far more efficient. Really just her. He works on an avocado farm. Small town syndrome. People keep their doors unlocked at night. Walls are to keep animals out more than intruders. That sort of thing. I'll try to clear this up. Well they'd still pay for food and drink and lodging (if they come in from out of town) and there are carnival like games. I'll see if I can't throw in a line to clarify this. Thank you! Can you elaborate on this? I'm very interested. Thank you for reading!

I will also take a spot if there is one open.

This is a good point, thank you! Small town syndrome. I'll see if I can make this clearer in 4.0. The color isn't a conscious choice (in almost all cases). It's like a group mentality thing. People know that the God King's color is blue and if they work directly for the God King then their lantern has a higher chance of being blue. I see your confusion. I'c is already Z's personal god and so therefore she doesn't have to make the choice. I'll make it clearer! Good to hear! Thanks for reading and for the feedback! (For some reason it won't let me tag you guys.)

Seconded

G is easily my favorite character so far. Do you have big plans for him?

@molah If you highlight a specific sentence or words you want to quote a little icon that said use quote will pop up.

Alright. Good stuff. Jumping right in. 1 - This opening feels too formal considering the tone of the rest of the story that I've read so far. 2 - "And he was always left to deal with the mess." I'm a big fan of starting sentences with conjunctions. But this one doesn't work very well." - Isn't petrified wood brittle? - "The hut was one room large..." Awkward phrasing. - G pops off the page way more than L or P did in the previous chapter. 3 - Does the young man not have tattoos? - As he's thinking about how he's safe because he's the doctor I'd like him to base this on past experience. 5 - Why would the blade be rusty but the hilt polished? I can't imagine anyone treating their knife this way. 6 - Maybe this is sexist, but do men wear shawls? - Capital It will always be Pennywise. 7 - A lot of interesting sounding stuff is happening off screen. 8 - So this was a good opening. At 8 pages it didn't feel like it dragged and I never skimmed. 8.5 - "with on" Dropped word. - I feel like L is a weathered veteran type of person who would be beyond blisters. - (Later she isn't given anything by G for her feet.) - Once again, interesting stuff implied to have happened off screen. 9 - I still don't like the mental logs. Even under the best of circumstances such a thing is a crutch, and without some type of recording device or notebook, it's even worse. 12 - I have a hard time believing that someone who understands multiplication would have this much trouble with numbers. Having trouble believing there could possibly be that many people is one thing, but with the numbers themselves? Nah. 14 - I'm digging it. This chapter feels well put together, and so far I haven't seen any glaring overarching problems. The dialogue definitely flowed smoother here than it did when it was included in the first chapter a few submissions back and the world is more visceral. 16 - I don't think he'd say poop here. Feels out of character. Something more medical? - If it's so rare how is he reliant on it? And why can he give it away? - What happened to the overly talkative P? I feel like he'd have actually gotten worse once he was around someone he knew and liked. 17 - Why does she so readily give her name to G? Overall I think this was a strong submission. The pacing was good and most of the problems I found were minor. I'm more interested in the story now than I was after reading Chapter 1. You'll notice some gaps between my comments. That's because I was so engrossed in the story. Kudos because it's not like me to give up the critical eye for pages at a time. My biggest thing is that so much cool stuff happens in the form of exposition. I want to SEE it happen.

@JWerner Can you resend it as a .doc? I have issues reading PDFs and if I try to convert it to read on Google Docs it completely jacks up the formatting.

Hi @molah! With (exceptions) my page by page comments are done as a dry run and made as I read. 1 - I'm not a fan of the title. Not because it's long but because a] All The Words Aren't All Capitalized and be b] Spoilers. - (And c] It's not really accurate. The story isn't about the day itself so much as the how.) - Do we need it pointed out that the corridor is natural? - Steel feet. Interesting. Robot? - ‘Mooom. Are we theeeere yet?’ The robot is her child? - Is she claustrophobic? - How does she know it's a huge cavern if she sees only a wall of blackness? - Why isn't all of D's dialogue italicized? - Not a fan of the SW reference. Took me out of the story and it's alienating to people like Gave from the Office. 2 - As a general rule I'm against sound effects but it does help set the atmosphere here. - (But it's only used once so now I'm wondering if it's necessary at all.) - "The cavern was an elongated dome resting on a rise." Huh? I can't picture this at all. - What's casting shadows? - Oh stalagmites. - Why would there only be one column? 3 - "began climbing" to "climbed". I'll only point it out once, but active tense throughout, especially in such a short piece. - "Was she even on Earth anymore?" Not feeling this line. Redundant. - Okay, I'm on page 3 of 7 and only now is there any indication that the italicized dialogue doesn't belong to D. I'm guessing she's having flashbacks or something. This should be clarified immediately on page one. - Not sure why she giggles. - Since I just figured out the italicized dialogue is flashback this is confusing because the last line seems to respond to her joke and it also seems to be coming from a different person who isn't her child. 4 - Her outburst feels out of place, like the giggle. Are her emotions being manipulated by the pillar? - Now there's narrative mixed in with the flashback dialogue. Feels uneven. - "hearing voices again" So the flashbacks aren't being caused by the pillar? 5 - Wait. So the pillar IS affecting her? I feel the story should pick a concrete lane. Either have the flashbacks be a part of her OR have them be the product of the pillar. - The flashbacks have started to feel like info dumps at this point. 6 - I feel cheated that there's just a shot to get rid of the voices. Like they were only there as a literary device. Why didn't she take the shot earlier? 7 - Good ending, but I want to know a] why the magic worked and b] how she knew it would work the way she wanted. Overall: So I see what you were trying to do. Explore the complex emotions of losing a child and give an example of the lengths a mother might go through to bring the child back in as few words as possible. The first part I think works. Perhaps it is because I have children, but I don't need much for me to identify with that emotion. The lengths a mother might go through part falters because the only risks we see are condemnations from the past for trying what she is trying. There is no immediate risk. No immediate threat. And no obvious consequences besides voices she hears already anyway. It also doesn't seem like she's doing anything anyone else couldn't do. Your prose are solid. I like that the story is focused and always feels like it's moving forward (minus some of those later flashbacks). And I really like what you're trying to do with the story and with very little revision you could get it there pretty easily. Unfortunately, it didn't really provoke any substantial feelings. I felt her loss in that I have children and know how I would feel if I lost one of them, but the story itself doesn't convey these feelings to me. I didn't find myself rooting for her to succeed, which I should have. I think the bones of a fantastic story are here, but the fat needs to be trimmed away and the meat needs to be meatier. In such a short piece, about such a sensitive topic, I should've felt like I'd been kicked in the balls.

Hey, everybody. So a little background here.The Turn of Ages is going to follow multiple plot threads that take place in different parts of the world (Rossendar City, the "pueblos" and the Front) before coming together at the end of the book. The original plan was to start with L's first act and then switch to this chapter. The reason being is that I wanted to pepper in world building using an urban character/setting where the "old ways" were mostly forgotten before showing a rural setting where the "old ways" are more prevalent (as shown in this submission). After all of your comments on world building last week, though, I'm wondering if this chapter might not be a better introduction to the world. I think this switch might also help strengthen L's chapters, too, since they will be happening at a time when the reader has more information. I'm particularly keen to know if you guys agree with this assessment or not. You DO NOT have to have read L's chapter to understand this one, though there are some obvious and intentional parallels between L's story and Z's story. Please keep in mind that this is written toward a younger audience (I want to share it with my children as soon as they start reading for real) but I am hoping for an "all ages" type of story where anyone can enjoy it. Thanks again!

No forgiveness necessary. You're correct and I'm glad you did point it out. I haven't read the early chapters of this book (hence why I'm not critiquing) but just from this one chapter I see exactly what you mean. @Mandamon did work to earn the trope first.