hawkedup

I had a really hard time critiquing this. Badass opening line. I had to read the first page or so twice to wrap my head around the opening. It’s very Bonfire of the Vanities. Alone, I actually really like it. But. Coming back after finishing the story I’m not convinced it’s strictly necessary without some sort of thematic follow up. It makes some of the stuff that comes after it (which is easier to follow) read as redundant and yet doesn’t feel like foreshadowing. It feels like she despises these people and doesn’t hint at her deep desire to get back “in”. It also belies the more simplistic prose of the piece going forward. If this internal dialogue comes back at the end of the story, it might pay off, but it doesn’t. I like how she describes J. You can tell they have that work relationship that’s both intimate and and impersonal. It works. Except Jane ends up being inconsequential which is disappointing. I don’t think that the sub-chapter cut works very well. The whole section about her mom could be summed up by adding a quick telling line at the beginning of the text message. This in addition to the line, “I’ll bet they’ve never had to care for someone losing their faculties,” should be more than adequate. I like the text messages. They really work. C’s character isn't concrete enough for such a short piece. My first time through I thought she was all over the place, and I think this works against you as the story progresses. Her reaction to M coming out of the bathroom is jarring. Before this moment I was really connecting with C because I’ve worked in those low level industries my whole life. The interaction works, it’s not clear enough that this is premeditated. I like her describing people using coffee house terms. It’s unique and perfectly situated to the setting. It tells a lot about C as well. About halfway through the story my mind started drifting. It’s not that the characterization is bad because it’s not, but the story feels like it’s lacking direction. Having now finished the piece I see why you did this. You’re trying to subvert our expectations. The note I wrote as I read was: “I’m assuming at this point that she’s gonna kill or blackmail M and you’re trying to underlay the twist by making C sympathetic.” Sure enough, this ended up being the case, but the “twist” ends up feeling typical rather than inevitable. (To be fair, this was the only note I made on my first read through so that should tell you something.) I like the secondary twist but it’s so rushed that it feels subversive for the sake of subversion more than anything. I almost strictly read fiction with supernatural elements (mostly epic fantasy but still) and even then it felt like it came out of left field. When he wakes up handcuffed to the radiator (who has a radiator anymore) for the first time in the story I feel actively propelled forward. The bad part about this is that it happens on page 8 of a 12 page story and by page 10 the momentum actually stops. C stops driving the story and instead becomes a passenger. What happened to C’s quick thinking internal dialogue/descriptions/analysis from the beginning? You built this character and make us like her for her mind but then that doesn’t play a part again after page 10. At this point I’m hooked and expecting her character to carry me through, but her character almost vanishes completely. Anyway, I hope something from all that helps in some way.

Done. Just read the thread. Looks like most of what I pointed out was already covered. Though I do want to reiterate that I'm not as bothered by the generic fantasy aspect as the others seem to be and I wouldn't be discouraged. As this is your first novel, that's probably going to be better for you in the long run when you're writing your third, fourth, fifth, etc books. You can use this time to hone your skills when it comes to pacing and plotting and character and setting.

These is my blind critique before reading anything from you or any of the comments on your thread so apologies if some of this stuff was already covered. ONE I don’t like her name. I’m from the Southwest and it’s distracting because I immediately think of the Spanish pronoun. If she only sees the five people on the horizon because of the flash how does she see them moving closer after the flash? I’m not really experiencing the setting. TWO You describe the people as being on the horizon moving slowly but they are upon her in just a few minutes. Logistical issue? Tiny planet? THREE The fact that the boy a ) doesn’t attack her and b ) D doesn’t gut him for it takes some of the suspense out of the scene. I already know at this point that no matter what happens she is about to win this fight, but I want to feel some sort of immediate danger. FIVE The logistics of the fight are a bit confusing. I had to read it twice and even then it felt overly verbose, which is saying something since it’s not that long. “All the while she examined them. Studied them, evaluating which of them presented the biggest threat.” The fight would feel more immediate if instead evaluating them in the moment, she already knows exactly who is the biggest threat. It would help play up how big of a badass she is, which I think is what you are going for. Does the two scratches mean she only killed two people since her first campaign? SIX Does she know battlefield medicine? Is medicine rare? Why doesn’t she wrap the wound? Even a common soldier should know that. SEVEN Why is her dialogue italicized? EIGHT I don’t know her very well, but it seems a little OOC. I just don’t see her lowering her weapon unconsciously. The fact that "P" is alive at all is enough reason to think she doesn’t actively want to kill anyone. NINE Okay, I’m seeing she might be poisoned or something from the injury and possibly not fully in control of her faculties so that explains her lowering her weapon. Overall I felt this was a strong opening. I feel like a I don’t know the character very well but I know her just enough to keep me reading, which is perfect. Opening with action is good. She has at least one clear motivation/goal (to get home). Solid. TEN Does her sword not have a scabbard? Why hasn’t she thought about being poisoned? Is the wound just much worse than I think? Is her species particularly weak to injury? THIRTEEN I like their dialogue. Or rather I like the placement of the dialogue. It needs to be tightened up a bit to either make it sound more or less like banter (not sure which you’re going for) but it’s the right spot for it. Shows their differences in personality and upbringing. It’s a little weird he doesn’t know what a million is but knows what multiplication is. He’s annoying, though, and I think she humors him, which is something my little experience with the character tells me she wouldn’t do. Is she lonely? Is she talking to keep her mind off the injury? If not the dialogue really starts feeling forced. FOURTEEN I keep harping on it, but why doesn’t she think about being poisoned? Does she not realize it? She seems too worldly not to consider it. - So some small things and some general prose tightening are needed. I’m not bothered by the generic nature of the story. You seem to have a lot of the fundamentals of pacing down (or at least the fundamentals of a beginning). As a reader I’d be willing to stick it out at least a bit longer until something big happens.

Did I do the prompt wrong? I tried to keep all five ideas under 150 words. Oh well! This is just from the first episode: 1. A world where you have to go to the gym to get fat. 2. Mankind's moral switch is flipped/reversed. 3. A man becomes the god/king of a particular animal (birds). 4. An endless "bus" trip through space. 5. A person who was created as currency.

Here's a thought... Megan [somewhat] fullfills the hopes of the Faithful by being a "good" epic and therefore gives David hope that other epics can also be good. However, what if every time she dies, she really does pull another version of herself from another dimension? This time she might have pulled a version of herself from a dimension where epics don't go mad/aren't corrupted... That would make both Prof and David right because David was right about her being able to be good, but it also means that his faith is misplaced since she is really just an exception to the rule. It would also mean she is a different person than the one he knew, and that there might not be redemption for other epics (except gifters maybe).

If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to go with first person present? Like the others said, you obviously have a good handle on it, but I'm just curious simply because I might think there could be a better way to go, but not if you have a solid reason that is integral to your book.

Sorry about disappearing. So what's the deal? Everyone submits on Monday?

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of using the word "multiverse" either. I'm hoping I have inspiration that'll both a- sound cooler and b- fit better. Multiverse implies something different than what's actually going on (for instance, dark matter is a very real and very detectible substance that has only been around for a finite number of years) but for right now I'm letting it be a place holder until I can think of something like "Cosmere". On the other hand I wanted to change "dark matter" into something else, too, but then the name of the book Dark Matter Memories sort of just fell into place perfectly so I might leave that one.

Thanks for the feedback guys! I was beginning to see that there was no way I could get feedback on my whole book here so I jumped ahead to the end of part 2 (the scene you read is toward the middle of the book). This may have been a mistake, but what can you do? Do you guys think it would be better if I stepped the narrator our of the characters heads a bit more? To answer a few of your questions about the parts I skipped. Emily got to Kara's apartment, gave her the duffel bag and gun, and activated a safety lock-down that allowed Kara to stay "hidden" for three days and then her and Ricard flew off. The next we hear about Ricard, he is flying the Jester to the showdown you just read. Dun dun duuunnnn... (I currently have how the Jester got to Ricard and Emily as it's own part later but thinking of just dropping it in here.) Um... During the three days Team Magenta sets up a "foothold for humanity" for all the people they were able to save on the streets (everyone inside the buildings except for Kara have disappeared). This isn't really plot important but I feel it shows that Team Magenta aren't professionals and that sometimes that's a good thing because they save a bunch of people when they don't have to. Isaac periodically checks on Kara until Kara finally leaves lock-down after 72-hours. She runs into Abri and then Isaac saves them from attacking nanny bots. This is a pretty action only 15-20 page part that comes right before this one. The Jester and other Sapphires kill the Professor, but it's part of the Professor's plan to get Six Sapphires later. The way I'm using dark matter is one of the things I'm most proud of. Yes it started out being all very Michio Kaku, but it's evolved into something that I find far more fun to write and read. I'm taking Clarke's phrase, "Magic is just science we don't understand yet," and taking it one step further. Magic and science, at least in this once case, are the same thing. On the one hand dark matter can be manipulated with tech, but on the other hand over the years people have found that it also reacts to certain sounds. In a lot of dimensions, this was and still is mistaken for magic. The incantations during this part of the book are actually foreshadowing for the next part of the book where Jaime takes Kara to a dimension that still believes in magic. In Book 2 they go to a high fantasy world where there is no real science at all and only "magic". I'm a firm believer in Sanderson's Laws of Magic, so I have a very specific explanation for all of this all worked out, why dark matter can do certain things and not others, where it comes from, why it reacts to sound as well as tech, and so on, though I'm remiss to put it into the story since the characters don't actually know the truth yet. What do you guys think?

For some reason I didn't get this...

Since a lot of your feedback can and should be applied to the next batch of chapters after what you've already read, I'm skipping ahead to the end of Part 2. This batch of chapters focuses on the minutes leading up to Kara's extraction. What you need know: The sixth Sapphire failed to possess Kara Howill. Instead, it was sucked into the city network via that giant satellite dish I mention in the first Emily chapter. This is why the "machine uprising" seems so limited. Because it is. The Jester has dubbed the creature in the machine "Gomer". On her way down the stairs of her apartment building, Kara runs into a woman named Abri who is actually a defective android who the Jester has programmed to kill Jaime. While on the stairwell, they are attacked but saved by Isaac. This is a pure action/chase type scene that leads into what you are about to read now. Also other stuff that isn't relevant to this specific section. This is also the first piece I'm submitting having edited it with your guys' previous commends and feedback in mind. Tear it apart, please! Oh yeah, Kara has a bit of a potty mouth in this one.

Thanks Rob that was very useful! I want to pick your brain about the pipes bursting. What was going on in my mind was that these pipes are pumping water up countless buildings, each one housing as many people as a small city, and when the power went out, that water would come back down, thus bursting the pipes. Is that just way off? If so, I'm just gonna drop it entirely.

I thought about this all day at work, lol. I'm thinking maybe if you lead with the laundromat then some more personal info showing how she prefers watching laundry tumble to partying right before bringing out the fairy. This would be my train of thought: "Hm. Laundromat, weird place to have a story. Kinda Doctor Horrible. Oh, so here's Penny. She's kinda a loner and not "cool" enough to be out partying. I totally get that, I mean based on this great description I totally sympathize with her, sometimes the mundane world really does provide more wonders than--BAM! Fairy." Brushing off the personal info in paragraph one loses the bam factor. Just a thought.

Yosh! Just finished Thriller Bark. Bink's Sake is my new favorite song. Onwards to the Red Line, New World, and Fishman Island!

It looks like Sunday is lining up but here is my schedule every week just in case. Sun 10-630 Mon Off Tues 2 - 9 Wed 2-9 Thurs Off Fri 2-9 Sat 1-8

I work 1-8 every Saturday. Does someone have a spreadsheet going? lol

Mountain. Should we review each piece separately (either via video or text) and in separate groups and then set up a weekly sort of entire group writing discussion where we talk about certain topics (this will require a weekly group discussion leader)? That way, if you can't make the hangout, you can still watch it later, and nobody loses any input on their writing. In my experience Sunday evening general works for most people. It can start around 7 and go til question mark, so even if you aren't around at 7 you can still join later.

I'd love to join, guys! I have been looking for a Sanderson-like writing group for a very long time.

Just wanting to confirm I have a slot this coming week? So what's up with this alpha group and how can I learn more?

Thanks guys, this makes me confident that I'm close to a red pen edit (which is my final edit and the point where I go back and just make everything tighter by getting rid of filler words and superfluous dialogue/detail). I see what you guys are saying about the actual end of the world scenes needing more oomph. I also think sometimes the POV character's train of thought is being confused with narration, which is something I need to work on. The jokes are hard because it's important to me that Jaime and Vibali know what they are talking about, but sometimes the reader doesn't (later, I try to throw in a couple references that even I don't fully understand). For instance, do I explain that Suave is a type of shampoo? Or how do I let that be known through the dialogue even though the characters wouldn't speak that way? I'm starting to think I need a bit more tell in the dialogue, a way for readers to say, "I don't really get this reference, but I get why it applies based on the context and explanation." I'm hoping that as we approach part 2 you'll feel yourself connecting with the characters a bit more if for no other reason than when writing this I didn't really feel I knew the characters voices until the end of Part 2 and most of the dialogue you have read so far has been retrofitted in a later draft. Cohesion is key. Valuable input as always! Jagabond, would you be interested in doing a quick read over of the first 20 pages? I don't want you to critique it or anything, but I'm worried some of your concerns have already been addressed, and I'd like to know what you think of Team Magenta after seeing them on a different mission and at home a bit before the events in the last two submissions. If you don't feel at least a bit more connection to them, then, then I know something is fundamentally missing. I understand if you're too busy.

This flows well and I like how you use your words. You're to the point but intelligent. Having said that... On page 4, the fairy calls the narrator “man”. I understand this is vernacular, now, but imagine my surprise when panties were mentioned later! When it come short stories, I'm a firm believer in the “less is more” mindset. If a detail isn't specifically important to the story, it should be cut. If it is important it should be mentioned a maximum of 3 times. Before I say anything else, I break this rule myself a lot and I would urge everyone to break every rule, so long as they know their doing it. However... A lot of the information you provide has no relevance and I'm sorry to say, kinda hurts your story as a whole. An example: It doesn't feel as tight as it should and it's because of details like finals and her partying buddies. I mean, this can be left in the story to add personality or whatever, but you LEAD with it. I'd look for more examples of this in future drafts. Ask yourself, “Is this piece of information relevant?” If Yes, leave it in. If no, “Should I cut it or make it relevant?” And go from there. On somewhat the same spectrum, the things that are important get too many references. Example: Something like the quarter should only be mentioned a few times. You use the word quarter 11 times in your story (once per page) when inserting quarters, quarter joke with fairy, and realizing it really is Canadian is where your focus should be. If it were me, I'd try to only mentioned quarters a total of 5 times and see what that got me. This will force you to cut some of the weaker stuff in between and make the stuff around it pop. When I think of ways to summarize this story, I always end up back at “Woman has conversation with a fairy.” I don't know about you, but that sounds a bit weak to me. I feel like a story, especially one this short, needs a focus. Yes it's fun and whimsical to just throw two opposites in a room and have them interact, but I feel this story would be much better if it's focus was, “Woman helps fairy get a date” or something. I want to feel like there's a purpose, even if the purpose is secondary and sometimes real life doesn't have purpose, but as a reader, I read to find some sort of purpose in a purposeless world and I don't think I'm alone in that.

It's not necessarily that you have too much dialogue but that around that dialogue there is a lack of progression (or illusion of progression). Perhaps if you focused the time jumps on one specific item or theme? The headphones could work. Or a single relationship, probably with Sun. Right now the flashbacks cover a lot but don't really zoom in on something that makes the NOW sections pop more.

This is a really strong chapter. I really get a feel for the characters and the setting in a way I didn't during the last chapter. There is good focus and direction and conflict. Sophia is fully actualized, going from friend who helps a stranger to possible bad guy and then redeemed by the end of the chapter. I'm interested to see how she plays in to the climax of the book. I'd feel better about her being so thin if she has just taught herself not to eat too much rather than her starving since she is a thief and I doubt she'd really be thin because she couldn't get food, but that is basically my only qualm with her. Though, at first I think she's much younger than you later say she is. Perhaps its the word teenager that throws me since any teenager living her life would probably be a bit less childish, but that's just me. As for Varus, this is the first time I've met him and he jumps off the page. I like that he is a soldier and knows life through a soldier's eyes but doesn't come across as cliché or dumb or stumbling through a royal's world where he doesn't really belong and all that. Of course he has his doubts, but he is still a very active protagonist and that works well. One thing that didn't ring true was when he felt uncomfortable when Murena opens up to him. To me, he can only be uncomfortable if, as a soldier, he never had any friends. I think it's wrong to imply that soldiers don't open up and they only let their pain be shone when they are injured. Sure, in public, but I think it would add more to the character if he didn't understand because he had no friends, or he did understand and never expected to hear it outside of the privacy of a bunk or trench (not that there were trenches, but you get what I mean). The conversation with Murena goes long at the end and sort of takes away from the punch of the chapter. I'd also really like there to be some sort of hint or hook that leads me into the next chapter (just please no James Patterson hooks).

I had a lot of trouble critiquing this one, so I apologize in advance for it not being up to what I consider my own critiquing standards. This is the trouble with an online forum. I think this story deserves a red pen and a face to face, but I'll give it a go... I like what you're trying to do with the flashbacks, but I'm not sure it really works until the end. Sometimes I feel like your writing gets in the way. Here are a couple early examples: As much as the first sentence shows off your skill with words, I'd cut it and jump directly into the Dirge since that is the focus of your story while downtown is merely a backdrop. With a story this length, you need to get to the point and I think jumping directly to the Dirge will help the reader later, especially when the exposition dialogues and time jumps start happening. The first paragraph on the second page is that it's awkward and lacks focus. It really takes me out of the story. I think this is what the paragraph is saying, but at this point in the story I'm not entirely sure. I feel like with your skill in language it should only take this one paragraph to understand what the headphones are, why the are important, what the static is, how it affects the Dirge, and how turning the headphones up or down changes the wearer's mentality. As of right now this paragraph might as well say: “He wore headphones that, thanks to the Dirge, he was bold, or crazy, enough to adjust.” As the story goes on I feel it sort of plods because, let's face it, there's way too much dialogue and not enough progression (or illusion of progression). I feel like I'm getting a history lesson instead of reading a story, and that makes the actual “now” story of Marcos in the subway lose some of its flair. For instance, throughout the second section I'm confused as to what the characters know and don't know. I can't tell if this is only partially maid and butler or all maid and butler. I'm wondering if you really need this so early. The ending to the third section is really great. Hooked me big. Why are all your time jumps approximations? By about the halfway point I feel like the story is losing its focus, not because it isn't about the Dirge anymore, but because we're getting lots of characters and names that aren't making the story any better. I'd like to see the time jumps more streamlined and condensed. Even toward the end of the story, I'm not sure exactly what the Dirge is. I mean, I can't hear it. I can't feel what it would do to me if I did hear it, and I think that needs to be fixed. Your reader needs to know the Dirge as well as your character. Keep in mind that this could be a very easy fix, using one or two repeated identifiers or descriptors will give the Dirge a more concrete illusion, allowing you to leave most everything the same. On page 14, I love the description and detail of the ladybug screen saver. Tells a lot about both characters and creates a clear picture. I wish there was more of this throughout the story. Compared to this paragraph the detail throughout feels bland, and that's not right considering it is a description of a digital picture that isn't even on the screen at the moment.

Previously: (Forgot this in the e-mail, sorry!) Team Magenta is a group of interdimensional travelers whose job it is to extract "targets" from different dimensions, people like them who have a strong enough dark matter signature to slip between dimensions. The hard part is getting to the target before the Sapphires can do the same. If the target falls into Sapphire hands, it means torment and death. Team Magenta's newest target is named Kara Howill. She is what most people would consider a crazy cat lady, and according to a Sapphire known as the Jester, the harbinger of the apocalypse. (She is going to one day form a bridge between dimensions and bring about the end of the multiverse.) Now, the Jester, Team Magenta, and Kara's sister Emily all converge on Kara's location. Meanwhile.... Hey guys. So my book is separated into 5 parts of about 80 pages each. This submission brings you guys up through page 60 and almost the end of Part 1. Here is how the parts breakdown just in case you are wondering. Part 1 - Mainly Introduction (but hopefully not boring) Part 2 - The extraction of Kara (this section has almost no infodumping and is the book's first big climactic part) Part 3 - Kara's first mission as part of Team Magenta (Jaime takes her to exorcize a lesser monster from a possessed child) Part 4 - Return of Abri (a shorter part, more of an interlude, revolving around an android you haven't met yet who the Jester programs to assassinate Jaime) Part 5 - The final showdown with the Jester and freeing Kara's home dimension from Gomer (the entity in control of the machines).